Anxious_ doll
08-28-2011, 11:46 AM
Hi there,
I'm 26 years old from the West Midlands, UK. I've suffered with severe anxiety from the age of 19. I no longer take medication for it as I wanted to start taking control of it naturally, and it has been under control until this past week. I'm not quite sure what has triggered it but I've just been feeling complete dread, fear, and guilt. And feeling the urge to tell my partner things that i don't really need to tell him ;( But if i don't tell him i feel sooo guilty and i start shaking and my heart races and the anxiety just takes over me ;( the things that i've been telling him are about me flirting with other guys in the past, or if if i've liked someone. I've just been telling him everything and i don't know why or where its come from. Our relationship hasn't always been good, with split up a few times, i mean it's been bad, really bad to the point where we've ended up fighting etc, we split up in april and i thought i'd lost him for good, i was absolutely devastated. then he came back and i was over the moon and we've been good ever since. This is all i've ever wanted, for us to be good and loved up and now i have it, it's like i want to wreck it all by telling him about guys and girls that i've liked (i'm bi/curious/). I'm not sure if i'm making sense typing this cos it's not making sense in my own mind but i hope you can understand cos i feel like i'm going insane. I'm constantly thinking about all the times that i've looked at other guys and flirted etc and the times when we split and i ended up sleeping with a guy i know, and i also slept with his mate. he know's all about this, i told him straight away when we got back together cos i felt bad. I've kissed my girl friend that i had feelings for, whilst we split aswell. I've done soo many things whilst we've had our splits. But i've only ever had one, one night stand with someone random whilst we were together and that was at the very start of our relationship 5 years ago, we weren't living together then and things weren't that serious but i was besotted with him and saw a future so i wish i hadn't done that. That was the only time i've ever actually cheated on him. He know's everything i've done, i just can't help but be honest with him. I know they say 'some things are best left unsaid' but i can't seem to do that, it makes me feel like i'm cracking up. The other day i wrote a note to him telling about all the people that i've been involved with. It was a massive urge and i felt relieved after he'd read it, even though he'd already known half of the stuff, i felt like i needed to tell him every single detail. and then after he'd read it, new thoughts entered my mind about other people i'd forgotten to tell him about and i felt fear and guilt all over again, my heart started racing like i was gonna have an anxiety attack then i felt the urge to tell him (i did tell him and he said it's not as bad as i'm thinking it is) and now the same thing is happening again cos i'm remembering when i got chatting to some guy online that i thought was nice looking, i wanted to attract his attention and notice me. He'd made a forum online about the best metal guitarists and drummers, so i'd got a whole list of random names from my fave metal bands to impress him and then he ended up adding me online and i was chuffed, we didn't always speak but we developed an online friendship, then after a few months he just vanished offline deleting his account, and i felt abit gutted. but i'd forgotten all about him until now. It's like it's intruded my mind, it actually is intruding my mind cos i don't want it to be there, and if i told my boyfriend about it something new will only enter my mind and i'll feel guilty and scared all over again. it's like a vicious circle. and recently when me and my partner got back together, i was on my way home with my daughters and little sister and i noticed a pest control guy, he was nice looking and i got my daughters to go over to him and ask him if he'd caught any rats just so i could have a closer look at him and chat, why the hell did i do that?? i love my partner like crazy, but it's like i love the attention from other guys. the same thing kinda happened again but this time, this nice looking guy called me to hand me a leaflet, and started chatting to me about a flower fest event that was being held around my area, he was probably just been friendly but his charm ended up making me think 'oooh his nice' lol then when i went to the flower fest, (i'd put on my make up before going out) i felt all flirty around him and even got him in a picture with my daughter planting a flower so i could look at him again. I didn't feel guilty about it though until now, at the time i thought it was all harmless, but now i feel sick with fear with all these thoughts entering my mind and want to tell my partner again and i don't know where this has all come from. why am i feeling this urge to tell him things??? Is it my anxiety and intrusive thoughts doing this to me?? I'd soo never cheat on him but i can't help thinking what if these guys had shown more interest? would i have been able to stop myself? it would of been my fault if something had of happened. i feel thankful that nothing has happened but feel guilt for even having a wandering eye.
Oh another thing that freaks the hell out of me is, when me and my partner had a split a few years ago he met another girl, and i was heartbroken. he was only with her for a about 2 weeks but it broke my heart, now i can't get it out of my mind, i'm constantly thinking about them kissing, and her giving him a lovebite and him hugging her in bed etc. The most weirdest thing of all though is i wanted to find a girl that looked just like her to date. why the hell would i want to date a girl that looks exactly like my partners ex?? Am i sick in the head???
I apologise for the long rant and bad grammer. :( but thanks in advance for reading my weird post.
I'm 26 years old from the West Midlands, UK. I've suffered with severe anxiety from the age of 19. I no longer take medication for it as I wanted to start taking control of it naturally, and it has been under control until this past week. I'm not quite sure what has triggered it but I've just been feeling complete dread, fear, and guilt. And feeling the urge to tell my partner things that i don't really need to tell him ;( But if i don't tell him i feel sooo guilty and i start shaking and my heart races and the anxiety just takes over me ;( the things that i've been telling him are about me flirting with other guys in the past, or if if i've liked someone. I've just been telling him everything and i don't know why or where its come from. Our relationship hasn't always been good, with split up a few times, i mean it's been bad, really bad to the point where we've ended up fighting etc, we split up in april and i thought i'd lost him for good, i was absolutely devastated. then he came back and i was over the moon and we've been good ever since. This is all i've ever wanted, for us to be good and loved up and now i have it, it's like i want to wreck it all by telling him about guys and girls that i've liked (i'm bi/curious/). I'm not sure if i'm making sense typing this cos it's not making sense in my own mind but i hope you can understand cos i feel like i'm going insane. I'm constantly thinking about all the times that i've looked at other guys and flirted etc and the times when we split and i ended up sleeping with a guy i know, and i also slept with his mate. he know's all about this, i told him straight away when we got back together cos i felt bad. I've kissed my girl friend that i had feelings for, whilst we split aswell. I've done soo many things whilst we've had our splits. But i've only ever had one, one night stand with someone random whilst we were together and that was at the very start of our relationship 5 years ago, we weren't living together then and things weren't that serious but i was besotted with him and saw a future so i wish i hadn't done that. That was the only time i've ever actually cheated on him. He know's everything i've done, i just can't help but be honest with him. I know they say 'some things are best left unsaid' but i can't seem to do that, it makes me feel like i'm cracking up. The other day i wrote a note to him telling about all the people that i've been involved with. It was a massive urge and i felt relieved after he'd read it, even though he'd already known half of the stuff, i felt like i needed to tell him every single detail. and then after he'd read it, new thoughts entered my mind about other people i'd forgotten to tell him about and i felt fear and guilt all over again, my heart started racing like i was gonna have an anxiety attack then i felt the urge to tell him (i did tell him and he said it's not as bad as i'm thinking it is) and now the same thing is happening again cos i'm remembering when i got chatting to some guy online that i thought was nice looking, i wanted to attract his attention and notice me. He'd made a forum online about the best metal guitarists and drummers, so i'd got a whole list of random names from my fave metal bands to impress him and then he ended up adding me online and i was chuffed, we didn't always speak but we developed an online friendship, then after a few months he just vanished offline deleting his account, and i felt abit gutted. but i'd forgotten all about him until now. It's like it's intruded my mind, it actually is intruding my mind cos i don't want it to be there, and if i told my boyfriend about it something new will only enter my mind and i'll feel guilty and scared all over again. it's like a vicious circle. and recently when me and my partner got back together, i was on my way home with my daughters and little sister and i noticed a pest control guy, he was nice looking and i got my daughters to go over to him and ask him if he'd caught any rats just so i could have a closer look at him and chat, why the hell did i do that?? i love my partner like crazy, but it's like i love the attention from other guys. the same thing kinda happened again but this time, this nice looking guy called me to hand me a leaflet, and started chatting to me about a flower fest event that was being held around my area, he was probably just been friendly but his charm ended up making me think 'oooh his nice' lol then when i went to the flower fest, (i'd put on my make up before going out) i felt all flirty around him and even got him in a picture with my daughter planting a flower so i could look at him again. I didn't feel guilty about it though until now, at the time i thought it was all harmless, but now i feel sick with fear with all these thoughts entering my mind and want to tell my partner again and i don't know where this has all come from. why am i feeling this urge to tell him things??? Is it my anxiety and intrusive thoughts doing this to me?? I'd soo never cheat on him but i can't help thinking what if these guys had shown more interest? would i have been able to stop myself? it would of been my fault if something had of happened. i feel thankful that nothing has happened but feel guilt for even having a wandering eye.
Oh another thing that freaks the hell out of me is, when me and my partner had a split a few years ago he met another girl, and i was heartbroken. he was only with her for a about 2 weeks but it broke my heart, now i can't get it out of my mind, i'm constantly thinking about them kissing, and her giving him a lovebite and him hugging her in bed etc. The most weirdest thing of all though is i wanted to find a girl that looked just like her to date. why the hell would i want to date a girl that looks exactly like my partners ex?? Am i sick in the head???
I apologise for the long rant and bad grammer. :( but thanks in advance for reading my weird post.