Varjo
08-06-2011, 09:41 AM
It's been a long ride, feels like at least. It was almost exactly a year ago close to this day that I had my first panic attack, I remember waking up from bed feeling strangely anxious but not being able to explain why I felt that way, I remember pouring myself a few cups of coffee and drinking them down and turning on the tv and that's when it happened, first a wave of confusion hit my mind then I started panicking and I couldn't stop panicking. It seemed so random and insignificant but it was about to change my life around. I started freaking out about the fact that I couldn't stop panicking and it was getting worse, I tried to calm down but I couldn't, after an hour of panic I went to lay down in my bed and tried to sleep it off.. I slept, for about half an hour but when I woke up I was still in a panic. For the next month that panic didn't calm down one bit, I was stuck in a constant state of fear and I couldn't understand why. I told my girlfriend about after a couple of days and she was really supportive, she had suffered panic attacks herself in the past and gotten over them.
Even though she helped me through it a lot, she couldn't help me enough. I often pretended to be okay and go along with normal things, but I was always in that state, for months on end there felt like there was no relief coming to me, I went to hospitals, got all medical checks done and they told me that my blood pressure and heart rate were skyrocketing and I should take some medication for it, but I refused. I don't know why I refused, I guess I figured that this is something that my mind is causing and I need to fight the main problem in my head to get rid of the symptoms. And I wanted to believe that I could fight it on my own. I developed many side effects, including derealization, the feeling that everything around me was absurd or unreal and dream-like, very sensitive eye-sight to light, depression, bad nightmares all the time, insomnia, bad migraines and generally just thought that my life was over as I had known it.
I tried my best not to let it get to me, I did things as normally as I could, but I was falling behind in class and my motivation was low so I saw a psychiatrist as I was told to by my school. I was told I could take medication to treat my anxiety or panic attacks but again I refused to, I told them I wanted to see how long I could last without them. Even though everyday was hell for me, I wanted medication to my last backup plan if all else failed.
Then one day someone told me to try another method, they told me to try taking Omega 3 and Magnesium tablets. I thought I'd give it a shot. I started taking both of them everyday, and within less than a month my heart rate had calmed down to normal and my blood pressure was healthy again. It was a huge relief for me, and I realized that my panic attacks had stopped too. Although my everyday fear and anxiety still continued.
Also my depression was getting worse, as school was pressuring me and my girlfriend was starting to get frustrated with me. She tried her best to be there for me, everytime I had bad anxiety at night she'd let me go to her place and she'd comfort me till I fell asleep. She was there for me always and I really loved her for that. But I was getting her down now and taking too much of her time and it was causing problems with us. My anxiety was slowly getting better everyday but for some reason the depression continued and worsened, the idea that I had lost so many months and that I felt I had no longer had control over myself anymore was too overwhelming. I sunk into a very bad state of depression were nothing could cheer me up anymore and I didn't feel like doing anything, I acted distant and cold around all my friends and my girlfriend, I was negative and my motivation was completely gone. Then after some time my girlfriend says she's had enough and that she's tried her best but she can't take anymore and she leaves me, doesn't even want to see me anymore, she deletes me on Facebook and stops answering to calls or texts and really, it breaks my heart. A week later my school tells me that they can't keep me anymore and that they're sorry but they have kick me out of my class.
Of course this leads to a much worse state for me, I leave all my friends behind and spend all my time on my own. One night I'm thinking that this is it, I've lost the person I love, I've made my friends probably hate me, I've lost my education and most importantly I have lost my mind and that it's not worth living this sort of life anymore and then I try to kill myself by swallowing all my strong migraine medication with alcohol. I simply just feel that my life within less then a year has gone from being great into being a complete nightmare and all because of the anxiety. I end up surviving, luckily. A few days shortly after I had tried to kill myself, I suddenly have a awakening kind of moment. I start to think about it and I realize how much my anxiety has improved since it first started, and how it is no longer the anxiety that is keeping me down but in fact my depression and my stubborn mind. That I have already overcome the worst of my anxiety and I did it on my own. I'm healthy and I'm okay but I'm just keeping myself down and I need to change things and get my life together again.
Then I make a plan to be more active, I decide to go on walks everyday on my own and read more books and listen to good music. I start to feel good being on my own, I feel like things are fine again. I can't even remember feeling anxious anymore. I get in contact with my friends again and we plan a trip to Berlin for two weeks, I go with them and the whole trip turns out great, no depression or anxiety, just having a good time with friends like I used to before any of this happened. I can even drink coffee again in large amounts and feel good which I couldn't do for the whole time I had my anxiety. After I come back from the trip I take the incentive to go talk to my former girlfriend, we have a good conversation and I tell her that I'm feeling better and she tells me that she's happy for me and was sorry for the way she left me and hoped we could still keep in contact with each other and sort things out again. It makes me feel a lot happier to be able to see her again and talk to her like everything was fine again.
After that I go to my doctors and get all my health certificates printed and I bring them to my school, I explain to them that I have recovered and I can keep up with my class and that I had a reasonable excuse for my lack of motivation earlier. They are very understanding and say that since I am so determined I am allowed to continue at the school as long as I take some extra courses to make up for what I have missed out and I agree with them.
And this is where I am right now, enjoying my last week of my summer holiday about to go back to school. I have not felt that sort of anxiety or depression for a while and it's nice to say that once again things are looking good for the future and I believe I have control over my life. And I wanted to share this story with others I suppose to show that no matter how bad things are, they can turn around at any moment, I thought I was better off dead at one point yet only a short time later everything somehow just came together again. And it wasn't luck that did it, it was me. I hope the best for all of you still struggling with it, I know it's a terrible thing and I hope you find the strength to not let it bring you so down as I let it bring me.
Thing's won't stay the same forever, there's always relief out there. Stay positive :-)
Even though she helped me through it a lot, she couldn't help me enough. I often pretended to be okay and go along with normal things, but I was always in that state, for months on end there felt like there was no relief coming to me, I went to hospitals, got all medical checks done and they told me that my blood pressure and heart rate were skyrocketing and I should take some medication for it, but I refused. I don't know why I refused, I guess I figured that this is something that my mind is causing and I need to fight the main problem in my head to get rid of the symptoms. And I wanted to believe that I could fight it on my own. I developed many side effects, including derealization, the feeling that everything around me was absurd or unreal and dream-like, very sensitive eye-sight to light, depression, bad nightmares all the time, insomnia, bad migraines and generally just thought that my life was over as I had known it.
I tried my best not to let it get to me, I did things as normally as I could, but I was falling behind in class and my motivation was low so I saw a psychiatrist as I was told to by my school. I was told I could take medication to treat my anxiety or panic attacks but again I refused to, I told them I wanted to see how long I could last without them. Even though everyday was hell for me, I wanted medication to my last backup plan if all else failed.
Then one day someone told me to try another method, they told me to try taking Omega 3 and Magnesium tablets. I thought I'd give it a shot. I started taking both of them everyday, and within less than a month my heart rate had calmed down to normal and my blood pressure was healthy again. It was a huge relief for me, and I realized that my panic attacks had stopped too. Although my everyday fear and anxiety still continued.
Also my depression was getting worse, as school was pressuring me and my girlfriend was starting to get frustrated with me. She tried her best to be there for me, everytime I had bad anxiety at night she'd let me go to her place and she'd comfort me till I fell asleep. She was there for me always and I really loved her for that. But I was getting her down now and taking too much of her time and it was causing problems with us. My anxiety was slowly getting better everyday but for some reason the depression continued and worsened, the idea that I had lost so many months and that I felt I had no longer had control over myself anymore was too overwhelming. I sunk into a very bad state of depression were nothing could cheer me up anymore and I didn't feel like doing anything, I acted distant and cold around all my friends and my girlfriend, I was negative and my motivation was completely gone. Then after some time my girlfriend says she's had enough and that she's tried her best but she can't take anymore and she leaves me, doesn't even want to see me anymore, she deletes me on Facebook and stops answering to calls or texts and really, it breaks my heart. A week later my school tells me that they can't keep me anymore and that they're sorry but they have kick me out of my class.
Of course this leads to a much worse state for me, I leave all my friends behind and spend all my time on my own. One night I'm thinking that this is it, I've lost the person I love, I've made my friends probably hate me, I've lost my education and most importantly I have lost my mind and that it's not worth living this sort of life anymore and then I try to kill myself by swallowing all my strong migraine medication with alcohol. I simply just feel that my life within less then a year has gone from being great into being a complete nightmare and all because of the anxiety. I end up surviving, luckily. A few days shortly after I had tried to kill myself, I suddenly have a awakening kind of moment. I start to think about it and I realize how much my anxiety has improved since it first started, and how it is no longer the anxiety that is keeping me down but in fact my depression and my stubborn mind. That I have already overcome the worst of my anxiety and I did it on my own. I'm healthy and I'm okay but I'm just keeping myself down and I need to change things and get my life together again.
Then I make a plan to be more active, I decide to go on walks everyday on my own and read more books and listen to good music. I start to feel good being on my own, I feel like things are fine again. I can't even remember feeling anxious anymore. I get in contact with my friends again and we plan a trip to Berlin for two weeks, I go with them and the whole trip turns out great, no depression or anxiety, just having a good time with friends like I used to before any of this happened. I can even drink coffee again in large amounts and feel good which I couldn't do for the whole time I had my anxiety. After I come back from the trip I take the incentive to go talk to my former girlfriend, we have a good conversation and I tell her that I'm feeling better and she tells me that she's happy for me and was sorry for the way she left me and hoped we could still keep in contact with each other and sort things out again. It makes me feel a lot happier to be able to see her again and talk to her like everything was fine again.
After that I go to my doctors and get all my health certificates printed and I bring them to my school, I explain to them that I have recovered and I can keep up with my class and that I had a reasonable excuse for my lack of motivation earlier. They are very understanding and say that since I am so determined I am allowed to continue at the school as long as I take some extra courses to make up for what I have missed out and I agree with them.
And this is where I am right now, enjoying my last week of my summer holiday about to go back to school. I have not felt that sort of anxiety or depression for a while and it's nice to say that once again things are looking good for the future and I believe I have control over my life. And I wanted to share this story with others I suppose to show that no matter how bad things are, they can turn around at any moment, I thought I was better off dead at one point yet only a short time later everything somehow just came together again. And it wasn't luck that did it, it was me. I hope the best for all of you still struggling with it, I know it's a terrible thing and I hope you find the strength to not let it bring you so down as I let it bring me.
Thing's won't stay the same forever, there's always relief out there. Stay positive :-)