Toxic parents and anxiety

[fallingthin]

I need some help accepting that my mom did some things to me as a child that really caused my condition to flourish and become a rancid festering garden of fear and guilt.
When i was young a few of the things that she did that stick out: forcing me to use a bucket outside instead of the toilet inside because I was perceived to have broken the already malfunctioning commode; my mom, as a form of discipline, once tried to drown me in a lake which is a very long story; my dearest mother took my clothes and made me go to a public school wearing a private school uniform everyday for several weeks because "i couldn't keep my clothes off the floor in my room"; she attempted to toughen me up for the real world by calling me racial slur and constantly disrespecting my more than reasonable boundaries(saying things i told her i didn't like,doing things i didn't like, etc.); my mom said "parenting is no fun if you can't beat your kids," she also said "no one else can hit you but me, and if someone else does I will beat you myself."

My mom more recently lied to me more times than i can count.

I still feel disconnected and can't really believe she tried to hurt me. How do you come to terms with that?

[fallingthin]

Thanks. I read Lost Child and A Boy Called it a while ago. Thats abgood and helpful example.

[hangingon]

I was watching a show today (about adult marriage infidelity) where they talked about how when we are children we learn by rules. We learn the rules our parents teach us, the ones we learn by watching them, and the ones we make up ourselves to deal with our environment. These rules are formed in the back of our brains when we are very young and stick with us. We need to learn what those rules we have ingrained into our personality are, and in case of the bad ones, convince ourselves that it is good to break them. The tough part is learning what the right rules are and how to follow them. That is what I am working on now. You won't be able to believe that your mom will fix what went wrong, that rarely happens, it is up to you to become okay with taking the journey to your happiness yourself. As many people have shown, it is possible and is worth it.

[fallingthin]

hanginon: hmmm...that gives me something to think about