Fear of being alone

[Charlotte]

I am new here and want to find out how I can overcome my fears of being alone. Last year, my dear mother passed away at the age of 80. I still have my Dad but he is 86 and I know he won't live forever, even though he is in pretty good shape for a man of his age and is very vigilant about going to the doctor for regular checkups.

Dad and I share a house. I am single and childless. Lately, I have become so terrified of the prospect of my Dad dying and leaving me alone that I have made myself extremely anxious. I have panic attacks, upset digestion, depression and every time my Dad says he's not feeling well, even if it's nothing serious, my heart starts pounding and my mouth goes dry. I have lost about 15 pounds in just a few weeks because I have no appetite and am so tense and worried.

Mornings are the worst...having to get up and face another day for fear something might happen to my Dad is almost more than I can bear. The only time of day I look forward to is bedtime so that I can curl up in bed and escape through watching TV, reading and sleeping. Having to wake up next morning to face another day of "what ifs" fills me with dread.

I have a job and lots of friends, but friends can only do so much. They can't move in to keep me company and hold my hand after Dad passes.

How can I stop this anxiety? I've admittedly been through this many times before for various reasons, as I have always been prone to anxiety and depression, but I don't want this dragging on for weeks or months. My productivity at work is suffering and I can't afford to lose my job.

[Gladys]

Dear Charlotte,

Sorry to hear about your fears. You have so much to contend with and though I can't help much, I do understand what you're going through.

I'm over the age of fifty and when my mother died, it was the end of any close family for me. I got married ten years later and it ended when he died. So I understand your worries.

First of all, I have to say that your Mother was lucky to have such a lovely daughter and your Dad is lucky to have you. With all the ups and downs of family life, you realise how much you treasure your Mother's memory and your Dad still.

I've got a feeling that you're very close to your Dad, and your Mother's memory. I have to tell you that I was the same, and though I had friends, they could never compete with my home life.

Now I'm on my own, but for me it's not frightening and I can rationalise why. I can see the value of being my own person and having to consider only myself. Yes, I would have liked a family, but we do the best with what we've got.

Try to cherish your Dad, while he's here, because you can't stop time passing by worrying about it.

How does your Dad feel about your anxiety. If you haven't told him, he'll have noticed you're losing weight, then he might worry.

Why is your job suffering. Is it through lack of sleep? If so, get that sorted out. You can't stop worrying about the future. If we were all content with our lot, we wouldn't be writing on this forum. You can, however, do a lot to combat the symptoms of anxiety. For instance, just because you have no appetite, it doesn't mean you can't eat. Breakfast will set you up for the day and you'll feel like you're doing something about your anxiety.

Keep writing here too. Sometimes we need to vent our worries. I do it and I hope you will too.

Best wishes



Gladys

[Charlotte]

Thanks for your thoughts, Gladys. I do know I am not alone. I just hate feeling this way. Right now, I long for someone to lean on...there are times I just feel as though no one understands and that I have no support. I haven't told my Dad about my anxiety because I don't want to worry him.

I actually sleep well -- for me, though, sleep is an escape. I spend about 12 hours a day in bed, although only eight or nine of those hours sleeping...the rest of the time I am watching TV or reading. It's the only place I feel relaxed and secure. I find it very, very hard to get out of bed in the mornings and face another day -- if it was up to me, I'd probably just curl up and stay there, but I force myself to get up. I know that I can't give in to my emotions, as that will only make them worse.

My job productivity suffers because I find it so hard to concentrate...for example, I should be working right now, but here I am on this forum instead, looking for answers to my anxiety.

I just want to feel better again, and to be able to feel enthusiasm for life.

[Gladys]

Dear Charlotte,

Yes, there are plenty of people like us, and as the world evolves, people stay with their parents for longer time periods.

I have a feeling you're used to people asking you for advice and help, rather than you leaning on them. That is a skill to learn. I was like you once. It's hard to be cared for when you're used to caring for family and friends.

You sleep well, and that's good, even if it's through depression and anxiety. Like I wrote before, that set's you up for the day. I know you don't think it's going to be a good day, but I'm like you in that respect.

The thing about anxiety is it can be as big or small as YOU allow it to be. A focus elsewhere really can be a haven from all the anxiety. So to me your job seems really important, not just for financial reasons. It's your focus. I know it impinges on your anxiety, and highlights it in your mind, so you have to decide whether you want anxiety to rule your days completely or your job. You know you don't want the anxiety, so you have to have a day filled with other things. It's for you to find the motivation though.

I talk about anxiety ruling my day, because that's what I do now. I'm not proud, because I know there's a different way of doing things. I realise, too late that anxiety is strong. If you give it an inch, it will take a yard, and that means letting it take over your whole life.

I can't ask you not to worry about the future, you're human and you really can't do otherwise. What I can do is hope you'll choose everything else over anxiety. In reality, anxiety is just a series of emotions that live alongside every other feeling we have. Those feelings are just as important as the ones we worry about.

You obviously love your Dad, as he does you. Although you may not want to worry him with your own anxiety. Let him see that you'll always be alright and able to cope. Whether you work in a factory or in an office, your Dad wants to know that you can live independently of him. Although, God willing, that won't be for a long time, don't let him worry about you too.

Best wishes


Gladys