Feeling terrible - possible suicidal thoughts inside.

[blancheneige]

Hey guys. I'm a 20 year old girl. I live between my home in Portugal and my second home, where I study, in France.

I have an anxiety disorder that consists of anguish, occasional depressive crisis, occasional panic attacks and a lot, a LOT of fear. I've been feeling like this since I was 18. It all started with panic attacks. I started off with Paxil, then quit it because it blunted my emotions, then tried trazodone and amisulpride, then quite because it didn't work, then tried inderal, then quit because it didn't work and I'm currently on Lyrica and fluvoxamine. But those are just details.

Here's what matters: I'm feeling TERRIBLE. I've been having multiple anxious peaks with depression and this horrible symptom: an overwhelming fear of losing control that translated into a fear of doing something I don't want to - say, suicide. I spend hours and hours obsessing about this. This terrible fear that I might lose control and jump out of a window or swallow a dozen pills. Note: I don't want to die. I want to live. This is a symptom. But it's terrifying.

My life is terrible right now. I have no activity, I live (alone) very far from my family and I have absolutely no friends. Plus I have this disorder that prevents me from being happy all the time. I'm SO afraid this might be way too much pain for me to take and that I might committ suicide. Again. I don't want to. I'm just afraid I might.

Sometimes during my depressive peaks I get so depressed I see no light, I see no hope. I know I can reverse my problems but it would take so long and I don't know if I'm strong enough. My family tells me all the time that I'm not strong enough for anything. They treat me like a child.

Please tell me this is nomal and that I'll get over it and that I'm not suicidal, please.

[laura75]

Hello

I can relate. I to obsess thoughts that are total bizarre to most. Very scary, daily minutely. I think you need to find your self a therapist someone to talk to a starting point. Which is what I have done. Patience is the worst waiting for help, but as I stated to another boardy the best help comes from with in. Keep moving, do what you do everyday stick to a structure and each day it gets better. Yet start the process of finding help from a therapist and surround your self with friendly people you can share with don't be ashamed use the gift of girlie gab to release some energies of anxiety. Be patient with your self this is a little valley you'll be back on a mountain in no time!

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Hi hon, I feel so bad that your family doesn't seem to understand. You need to gravitate to people in your life that know you and are supportive. Do you know why your family talks this way? If they don't get it, then try to explain to them again what your problems are and then if they don't support you, you need to find someone, anyone (friend, doctor, spiritual advisor, etc) who will help. Don't give up. Life is worth living and you are so young. You need to find help...do it now. Force yourself to get out and talk to people
so that you are not alone. You will feel more 'normal' the more you talk to people and ask for help. Talk to me. I would like to help you.