My story - Maybe it will help someone and perhaps someone can help me.

[Anxi]

I have been a long time sufferer of anxiety. I am able to talk about it now because it has happened a long time ago and I've spent a long time and a lot of effort working through it. I was really good for a while but lately I have been suffering setbacks.

It started about 30 years ago when I was in my early teens. In grade 7-9 I was horribly bullied by some kids at school. Out of the blue I began displaying obsessive compulsive behaviour and a very bad case of hypochondria. I also developed a stomach ulcer at 15 which didn't help the hypochondria one bit. Back and forth to the doctor I went for about a year. Abruptly, both the obsessive/compulsive behaviour and hypochondria went away.

A few years later, in my early 20s, I started getting panic attacks and and an PVCs. When I wasn't having PVCs and panic attacks I was suffering from IBS. It seems my anxiety always manifests itself as a physical ailment. I had several high stress jobs and things would get worse till I quit. For periods in my 20s I would suffer from insomnia and night terrors. Oddly enough, despite all the physical manifestations of my anxiety I rarely would suffer from more than one thing at a time, which is a blessing. Also at no time did a doctor ever officially diagnose me with anxiety, just treated my symptoms.

In my early 30s I began to get very depressed. I finally asked my doctor to refer me to a psychiatrist who immediately started me on various anti-depressants and prescribed Ativan for my immediate anxiety relief. It took a while to find the right AD because I was getting nasty sexual side effects from all the SSRI's. He tried me on Remeron which seemed to work fine with no side effects. He wasn't a chatty fellow and I really needed to talk, so I found a nice psychologist and went once a week for about a year at my expense. I also joined an anxiety group that turned out to be a scam, but I got a lot of relief just talking to the others who were also being scammed. Its a long story but it tuned out to be a type of pyramid scheme. I also started meditating which really helped a lot.

I had a couple of really great years. Very little anxiety or symptoms and felt the happiest I had ever been. I got off the Remeron after about two years and stopped seeing the shrinks. I kept up with the meditation and life was grand. I also discovered pot which helped with my insomnia.

A few years ago I started having issues again. I had been running a very demanding, stressful business for the last 10 years and it was the focus of most of my stress. I decided to sell my business and move to a rural area to get away from the high cost and stress of city living. So, over a year ago I did just that.

Life was great for a bit. The work related anxiety was gone and I loved owning animals on this small farm I bought. However, a new type of anxiety began, I started worrying about money in a bad way. Despite having more than enough savings to last a few years, I'm worried about it anyways.

My PVCs returned with a vengeance, worse than ever before and panic attacks too. To the point I throw up. I had to quit smoking pot because it made my PVCs really bad. Then the insomnia returned. Back to the doctor I went. In addition to the PVCs I have high blood pressure. The doctor prescribed a beta blocker which has pretty much cured both my PVCs and high blood pressure. Yay. I also went back on Remeron which really doesn't seem to be helping this time around.

Now a new calamity (LOL) has befallen me. I developed Diverticulitis. Ended up in the hospital on antibiotics but managed to make it through without needing surgery. The bad thing is a stomach ailment like this is a bad thing for a borderline hypochondriac. Every pain or change it bowel has me terrified the Diverticulitis has returned. I've managed to not run to the hospital or doctor so I am dealing with it. It is causing me to have minor panic attacks with nausea and sweating but usually I can keep them under control.

So this long story really does have a point to it. Number one, despite my anxiety which can be debilitating at times, I have held down some really well paying jobs and ran a successful business for many years. I was able to turn a tidy profit selling it as well.

Number two, there is hope for anxiety sufferers. For a time I was very happy and the anxiety was almost forgotten.

Number three, treating anxiety is often a multi-pronged approach. For me, a particular combination of treatments worked for quite a while. I have no idea how to approach it this time, but I guess that is why I am here. Maybe this place will help me find the right combination again.

There is hope for us.

[Gladys]

Dear Anxi,

I'm sorry for your episodes of anxiety. I'm hoping that you can describe your symptoms in more detail. The reason for this is that I'm sure it'll help you and the site members as well.

I say that because despite your life's challenges you have been successful in terms of your career. You also know that you can be happy in between bouts of anxiety. So many members (including myself) allow ourselves to be ruled by our anxiety. You haven't.

I feel that I maybe shouldn't be just congatulating you and address the anxiety issues you have. But I'm hoping that you'll get another reply that will do just that.

Best wishes

[Anxi]

Hi Gladys, thanks for your reply.

I am glad you did congratulate me and recognized that overall my life has been good, and my career successful. One of the very reasons I posted the brief history of my life was to show that despite my sometimes serious anxiety problems, it can be overcome and there have been some very happy times indeed.

On the flip side, if I hadn't been burdened with anxiety I can't help but think of what I could have accomplished. There is no doubt that it has held me back. However, the past IS the past and there is nothing I can do to change it. Things were tough at times, I'd be on a job and start to have a panic attack and I would just excuse myself and deal with it. Sometimes I would just have to get a little air and I would be fine. I just learned to cope.

Symptomatically, it has changed from year to year, sometimes month to month. The big change in which preceded my longest period of being mostly anxiety free was the fact I was able to discover the originating cause of the my anxiety, the bullying at school. For that I thank my therapist. The drug helped me get a handle on my symptoms, while the therapist and I went to work on causes and methods to overcome. Things were great for a while.

In recent years, my business put me under considerable strain. It was a highly competitive, demanding business, and could also be physically exhausting. The economy was getting worse and the struggle to grow or even maintain was getting more difficult. Deciding to sell was partially motivated by this. The sale of the business and the move to a whole different lifestyle was also difficult. I believe that most of my anxiety now was triggered by those stressors. Although I have little cause for worry or anxiety now, I believe I have fallen back into my old patterns because of those external stresses.

Now I have infrequent panic attacks, maybe 1 every few days to 1 a week. I usually have a panic attack if I worry about my stomach and the Diverticulitis. Any little cramp, twinge or even gas makes me start worrying the diverticulitis is returning and all that entails. Most times, I can get it under control, but sometimes I'll get literally sick with worry and throw up. I am taking 25 mg Atenolol for my PVCs and moderate high blood pressure and it is very effective for both for me. Prior to the Atenolol the panic attack would cause my heart rate to go to 130+ and cause nearly constant PVCs. Now I just get sweaty and barf, which is not very fun.

If I am not worrying about my health I am usually worrying about money. I really don't have reason to worry here, although currently unemployed I have decent savings and had planned to take a year or so from work since I hadn't had a vacation in 10 years. This is now my vacation but here I am worrying about what I will do in the future. I also worry about random other things, like my animals when i leave the house or whether or not I will get broken into while away. Just silly things really. I feel as if I could get rid of my worrying my life would be perfect. It is draining all the joy out of my life. I've tried meditating again, but I haven't been very successful. The little hamster wheel of worry in my brain keeps interrupting. I have an open prescription for clonazepam but I rarely use it now that the Atenolol has gotten my PVCs under control. I am hours away from a good therapist out here.

That's pretty much everything in a nutshell.

[Gladys]

I can relate to the worry about leaving your animals. About three years ago, I phoned my friend up at about 11.30pm. I was beside myself with worry. I remember saying "The cat's not come home yet." Of course my friend thought that was highly funny and said "But the cat hasn't got a watch." To your other concern about being broken into, I like that caution. I'll always pay special attention to locking up my home before I go out and I'll try to clean up. I think that's because I don't want burglars thinking I live in a dirty home!

Your fears have a rational basis, and though you may feel your reaction is inappropriate because it's extreme, I'd be worried if you didn't worry about the things you wrote about. Having said that fear is a good motivational tool sometimes, I'm aware of how draining it can be. I'm against giving my energy to anxiety. I have no choice to worry though. I believe in the genetic and environmental factors for anxiety that exist, so I cut myself a little slack sometimes. Maybe you don't need to be so hard on yourself either.

You have good coping strategies for anxiety. I believe that you'll find the therapist you want, and work hard with them. I just began seeing a therapist and I don't have any where near your motivation (at least not today!).

I'd be interested to know if you're anxiety free times have coincided with another focus, or just relaxation from any particular focus. I ask that because I feel that, for me focussing my attention on something other that my fear is the key to me not worrying so much. If I can't focus on something else, it's quite often because it's not really so interesting that it has grabbed my attention. Is that the same for you?

[Anxi]

My anxiety free times often were when I was too busy with business to be able to spare the brainpower for worry. My business was very technical and demanding and during those periods of intense concentration I didn't worry nearly as much. There simply wasn't time. I did what I had to do and did it to the best of my ability.

The longest straight anxiety free time was after I had worked very hard at self betterment. The anti-depressant calmed my symptoms and I did therapy with the psychologist, the group therapy, meditated twice daily and some other relaxation techniques. Things were really great for a few years. I really appreciated the little things in life.

The administrative demands of my business is what really began to drag me back down. Instead of the purely technical and complex details of the work itself I was burdened with crap like sales and accounting and trying to manage employees. It really took me away from the work I loved. it was the price I had to pay to grow as a company.

[Gladys]

I like your coping strategy of having other focus'. I think it's the only way forward for us, although I admit, too much of anything can be stressful.

I had an appointment with a CBT therapist yesterday. She explained the brains compensatory methods for anxiety symptoms. She said that human response to the fight or flight syndrome still existed in us. I think you probably know that.

What interested me was that she reminded me of the compensatory methods we have for battling the symptoms of anxiety. They're Dopamine and Adrenocorticotrophic homones (ACTH). Stands to reason that if you have a decreased level of either of these homones, you're more likely to have anxiety episodes that affect every day life. It also means you would need compensatory drugs for both of those homones. I'm fed up with medicine, though.

I suppose I'm suggesting (to both of us) that we should find out from our doctor if the above is true. It make me wonder if I've been trying to cope needlessly with my fear. Having said that, and realising that fear is a learned behaviour, I wonder, after all these years my anxiety would ever go away, or that it's been self taught(!)

Did I just write some rubbish or does it make sense?

[Anxi]

Everything you said makes sense, don't worry about that :)

While I agree that changes in hormones and neurotransmitter levels are ultimately responsible for much that goes on in our brains, I don't agree that drugs are the end all be all. I do believe there are ways to increase or decrease these levels by other methods other than just drugs. I'm not a big fan of drugs. They can be beneficial in the short term but ultimately we need to learn ways to adjust our thinking.

I am currently looking into TEA forms and just ordered a book mentioned in another thread here on CBT/TEA forms.

http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showthread.php?7038-CBT-TEA-forms-work-for-anxieties

In the absence of a therapist, I am looking at self-help for now. I attribute my initial success with beating down anxiety was the result of discovering where, when and why it started. Understanding went a long way. I had several coping strategies but I really think the best one I developed was meditation. Learning that you have the ability to quiet and control your mind to a degree is very empowering. I haven't had much success as of late, but I think I am expecting too much too soon. Before, I also had the benefit of the anti-depressant which made the meditation work a little easier. I am now restarting the meditation without drugs and it has been difficult to concentrate for more than a few seconds at a time. However, I have remembered that my earlier progress was also slow, now that I have put some thought into remembering.

An important lesson for me to remember is never stop the work. I felt better, got complacent and stopped the effort. When it comes back it is hard to get started again. I think of myself as a recovering addict in this way. An addict has to always be aware and be on guard. Never to stop the work and realize a slip can mean addiction again. I've realized it is almost the same for me.

So in the last day or so I have restarted meditation. I close myself off in a comfortable area and position. Free from as many distractions as I can make it. I light a candle and attempt to focus my attention on the flame as long as possible. When an intruding thought comes through, I try not to focus or think about that thought, just let it cruise right on by. Focusing and counting your breathes is another way. If I can make 10 breathes with out an intrusive thought I try to get to twenty, then higher. There is solid science behind meditation. It changes the chemical and electrical responses in the brain.

An analogy I use to describe how my anxiety feels to me is a hamster in a wheel. My thoughts race around in my head like that little hamster, always running and the wheel squeaking away. If I can boot the hamster off the wheel for even a few seconds, my brain gets a rest. The more time the hamster spends sleeping in the corner the better I feel.

I just remembered another trick/technique for relaxation that was once very effective for me. Try to remember a very happy, anxiety free event or situation. Sit or lie quietly and try to relive that experience through memory alone. Try to remember details like smell, sights, sounds and most importantly the feelings you were having. I remember using this to help me sleep. I would say it itself is probably a form of meditation. Once you get a real handle on it and a good solid memory, use it to replace stressful or anxious feelings. Think about it instead of the thought that is making you anxious.

Coming here and chatting about this is good for me. It is stimulating all kinds of memories of things I used to use to cope. Just the act of chatting about it is almost like group therapy.