jk
10-16-2006, 11:37 PM
Hi,
I am 30 year old stay at home dad of 2 boys ages 5 and 17 months. I work on Saturdays and Sundays photographing weddings and social events. I suffer (mostly) seasonally from mild to moderate depression (not offcially diagnosed) and daily and somewhat chronic low grade anxiety. I clench my jaw and grind my teeth in my sleep. My father was diagnosed and treated for bipolar disorder (cognative therapy & zoloft) and was 'cured' or at least is not in therapy. My mother while never diagnosed with any particular disorder is prone to paranoia, uncontrolled crying in response to certain situations and extreme feelings of guilt. They divorced when I was 10. I do not drink regularly, maybe 1 or 2 glasses of wine a week. In general I have found that alcohol just doesn't agree with me. I have a strange and probably rare relationship with tobacco. I am one of the FEW people I know who smokes only 1 or 2 days a week (when I work), and I don't crave nicotine during the week or on days that I do not work. I smoke a pack a month. I have under my lifetime substance belt....MJ, LSD, XTC, opium, cocaine, and ketamine. I have a particular affection for prescription narcotics and semi-narcotics (tramadol) but do not have a script and do not pursue them on the street or by other means, I just have a hard time with them if they happen to be in the house for legitimate purposes. I've tripped a dozen or so times, done E a half dozen, Cocaine precisely 4 times, and K only once, I left all of these in my past 7 years ago. I have used MJ occasionally in the past 7 years, but can go a whole year or more between experiences. Last winter I got some from a friend to get through the winter blues and holiday stresses, but it ran out in March and I have not pursued it. Even when I have access I am not a daily user, I use it more medically and have taken to eating it rather than smoking. My wife neither knows nor would approve of my MJ useage, and while I do not feel guilty about self medicating, I do not desire to live life in subterfuge.
Which brings me to why I am here. The changing seasons and shortening days have brought on the blues once again. I have seen my GP, and he is worthless. I can tell him how I feel and he just shrugs it off, offers no suggestions and says 'well that seems normal to me!'. Maybe I do seem normal sitting in his office, not stewing over our checkbook, or hashing out all the ways my wife could be attacked or be injured in an accident at work, or worrying about our language delayed 5 year old's emerging dyslexia, or the dark circles under our 17month old's eyes. But all that is going on inside, all at once...from the time my eyes pop open till I tire myself out surfing the internet and crawl into bed. I went for a consultation with a therapist in the same practice as my father's therapist. He only succeded in making me cry, and used profanity in an alarming way, while instructing me to THINK and FEEL how I felt about my parent's divorce, my abuse and how it relates to my wife's inconsiderate late arrivals home from work while stomping my feet and grounding myself. I'll never go back there again, I have nice little places for those things like any good emotional packrat, and while sometimes I find it neccessary to look into those dark corners. Pulling those abominations out and poking them with sticks is not my idea of healthy progress, and I'm certainly not going to pay for it.
So what do I want? I want to be a better parent. I want to be the involved, available, caring, tolerant parent I am when I am having a good day every day. The few times I have been stoned around my children I have found that it is VERY easy to be this parent, but I don't want to be a STONED parent. I don't want to be the militaristic, snippy, sarcastic, esteem destroying parent I can be when I am stressed out and frazzeled because I am worrying about things I can not control (like my wife not coming home from work on time). I have an insaely stressful job, I'd say it ranks close to that of first responder's but without the drama of lives lost. I have absolutely NO problem dealing with the stress of shooting a wedding, I thrive on it. But 6:30 on a weekday, trying to cook dinner, referee wound up children, and sifiting through worry, resentment and anger at my wife not being home yet I am a basketcase.
So how can you help? After much research on the available pharma, I have decided I would like to try to manage my anxiety with benzos (which I have never tried). I think I am a perfect candidate. I need something fast acting but not particularly long acting, and I have a demonstrated ability to use help only when I really need it. So who do I go to? I have good insurance. I have no desire to enter talk therapy. I want a doctor who can recognize that I have a good handle on my situation and desire only a little help to smooth out the rough days. Is there some magical way of finding the doctors I hear everyone talk about that prescribe almost anything just by inquiring about it? Sorry for the book, and any suggestions will be both considered and appreciated.
I am 30 year old stay at home dad of 2 boys ages 5 and 17 months. I work on Saturdays and Sundays photographing weddings and social events. I suffer (mostly) seasonally from mild to moderate depression (not offcially diagnosed) and daily and somewhat chronic low grade anxiety. I clench my jaw and grind my teeth in my sleep. My father was diagnosed and treated for bipolar disorder (cognative therapy & zoloft) and was 'cured' or at least is not in therapy. My mother while never diagnosed with any particular disorder is prone to paranoia, uncontrolled crying in response to certain situations and extreme feelings of guilt. They divorced when I was 10. I do not drink regularly, maybe 1 or 2 glasses of wine a week. In general I have found that alcohol just doesn't agree with me. I have a strange and probably rare relationship with tobacco. I am one of the FEW people I know who smokes only 1 or 2 days a week (when I work), and I don't crave nicotine during the week or on days that I do not work. I smoke a pack a month. I have under my lifetime substance belt....MJ, LSD, XTC, opium, cocaine, and ketamine. I have a particular affection for prescription narcotics and semi-narcotics (tramadol) but do not have a script and do not pursue them on the street or by other means, I just have a hard time with them if they happen to be in the house for legitimate purposes. I've tripped a dozen or so times, done E a half dozen, Cocaine precisely 4 times, and K only once, I left all of these in my past 7 years ago. I have used MJ occasionally in the past 7 years, but can go a whole year or more between experiences. Last winter I got some from a friend to get through the winter blues and holiday stresses, but it ran out in March and I have not pursued it. Even when I have access I am not a daily user, I use it more medically and have taken to eating it rather than smoking. My wife neither knows nor would approve of my MJ useage, and while I do not feel guilty about self medicating, I do not desire to live life in subterfuge.
Which brings me to why I am here. The changing seasons and shortening days have brought on the blues once again. I have seen my GP, and he is worthless. I can tell him how I feel and he just shrugs it off, offers no suggestions and says 'well that seems normal to me!'. Maybe I do seem normal sitting in his office, not stewing over our checkbook, or hashing out all the ways my wife could be attacked or be injured in an accident at work, or worrying about our language delayed 5 year old's emerging dyslexia, or the dark circles under our 17month old's eyes. But all that is going on inside, all at once...from the time my eyes pop open till I tire myself out surfing the internet and crawl into bed. I went for a consultation with a therapist in the same practice as my father's therapist. He only succeded in making me cry, and used profanity in an alarming way, while instructing me to THINK and FEEL how I felt about my parent's divorce, my abuse and how it relates to my wife's inconsiderate late arrivals home from work while stomping my feet and grounding myself. I'll never go back there again, I have nice little places for those things like any good emotional packrat, and while sometimes I find it neccessary to look into those dark corners. Pulling those abominations out and poking them with sticks is not my idea of healthy progress, and I'm certainly not going to pay for it.
So what do I want? I want to be a better parent. I want to be the involved, available, caring, tolerant parent I am when I am having a good day every day. The few times I have been stoned around my children I have found that it is VERY easy to be this parent, but I don't want to be a STONED parent. I don't want to be the militaristic, snippy, sarcastic, esteem destroying parent I can be when I am stressed out and frazzeled because I am worrying about things I can not control (like my wife not coming home from work on time). I have an insaely stressful job, I'd say it ranks close to that of first responder's but without the drama of lives lost. I have absolutely NO problem dealing with the stress of shooting a wedding, I thrive on it. But 6:30 on a weekday, trying to cook dinner, referee wound up children, and sifiting through worry, resentment and anger at my wife not being home yet I am a basketcase.
So how can you help? After much research on the available pharma, I have decided I would like to try to manage my anxiety with benzos (which I have never tried). I think I am a perfect candidate. I need something fast acting but not particularly long acting, and I have a demonstrated ability to use help only when I really need it. So who do I go to? I have good insurance. I have no desire to enter talk therapy. I want a doctor who can recognize that I have a good handle on my situation and desire only a little help to smooth out the rough days. Is there some magical way of finding the doctors I hear everyone talk about that prescribe almost anything just by inquiring about it? Sorry for the book, and any suggestions will be both considered and appreciated.