somaesthesia
10-25-2010, 02:56 PM
Hello everybody, I'm new to the forum.
I'll start off with a bit of my story.
I'm 19. My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 10. In the same year, my father lost his job and we went bankrupt. Ever since then, my entire life has been focused on being normal (for the most part).
My mom was always there for me, but when it came to her own emotions she wasn't really into getting emotional. She was extremely strong and never cried (about her diagnosis) and continued to work until I was 16. My father is a functioning alcoholic. You know, the kind who have nice jobs, go to work every day, and then drink a bottle of hennessy and take their anger out on the family. He was sober until I was 10 (same year).
Basically, I was a pro at ignoring all my "serious" problems. Instead of worrying about my parents, I was a hypochondriac. Instead of focusing on the harder things, I payed more attention to what my boyfriends were doing wrong.
I had the same boyfriend through high school. When I was 15, I was put on anti-psychotics -_-. Mistake. They tried seroquil, abilify, and zyprexa. I'm completely convinced that I was stressed and my hormones were raging, like most 15 year olds. After a summer of gaining 40 lbs and not feeling any better (by this time I had turned 16), I stopped the medication and started going to therapy once a week rather than twice a month. This helped soooo much. For about two years I felt good. NORMAL.
In those two years, I had one bad month. I got an underaged tattoo (haha) and, of course, the guy messed up. So in return, to deal with that traumatizing experience, I decided that I had Hep C. First I convinced myself that I had HIV, but I know about blood born pathogens, and HIV is a very, very delicate virus. I was much more concerned with Hep C. My mother comforted me and told me I didn't have it. I got blood work done (because it was about time anyway, I was sexually active) and everything came out negative. The results took about a week, and before I got them, I saw a therapist, who told me this was all just anxiety. When she said that, when she told me I was not going crazy, I didn't have another anxiety attack.
Until a month ago.
My mom died last march. I thought I was fine. I was so busy taking care of business...there was a lot to do. Take care of my dad, do all the house work and cooking my mom did, pay the bills, etc. I felt like I turned into my mom. That made it ok. She was with me.
Around the 6th month anniversary of her death, I started feeling sort of down. I thought to myself, "uh oh, time to get busy." So I signed up to go volunteer. School had just started and I was thankful for that. But in late Sep, I had a breakdown. I woke up with a panic attack and could not be left alone. My dad had to call of two days of work (which is really hard in his job) and I was passed between him and my grandmother. I spoke on the phone with an emergency on call therapist, who did nothing. My dad forced a therapist to see me (because everyone was giving me the run around) and she didn't do anything. In fact, she seemed to find it funny that I was obsessing about being addicted to sex (which I am not... at all). I understand that it is sort of a stupid thing to worry about, but I have a thing for incurable diseases and disorders. That's my thing. That's what my brain picks on when I'm having a hard time with anxiety.
I got put on citalopram during this time. I was on my third day when I saw my current therapist. I THINK I started getting better before the meds had a chance to work. When I had the breakdown, I could not function or be left alone. After I saw my current therapist I felt much better, although still pretty bad. This was on my third day of the drug. After about two weeks I was feeling a little bit more stable, but then I started having vivid nightmares everyyyy siiiiingle niiiiiight. It's horrible. If I'm lucky I'll sleep through the nightmare, but half the time (more recently) I wake up in a panic attack. I'm getting quite discouraged by psychiatrists and the meds they throw at me.
I don't expect anyone to actually read all of that. I just couldn't stop after I started hahaha
Is anyone else experiencing vivid nightmares?
Sometimes I wake up (I think) from being half asleep (I think) because I think about something so random it scares me. For example, last night, I was falling asleep (I hope) and all of a sudden I started singing "Christine, Christine, Christine" in my head (I don't think that's a song, I was just singing the name in my head, I think), which scared the crap out of me. I then preceded to have a panic attack because I convinced myself I was crazy. It seems as though my anxiety levels are so high that ativan is no longer working. I very rarely take this, so it is not a tolerance issue..
Sorry for the long post. The last bit is the most important.
I'll start off with a bit of my story.
I'm 19. My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 10. In the same year, my father lost his job and we went bankrupt. Ever since then, my entire life has been focused on being normal (for the most part).
My mom was always there for me, but when it came to her own emotions she wasn't really into getting emotional. She was extremely strong and never cried (about her diagnosis) and continued to work until I was 16. My father is a functioning alcoholic. You know, the kind who have nice jobs, go to work every day, and then drink a bottle of hennessy and take their anger out on the family. He was sober until I was 10 (same year).
Basically, I was a pro at ignoring all my "serious" problems. Instead of worrying about my parents, I was a hypochondriac. Instead of focusing on the harder things, I payed more attention to what my boyfriends were doing wrong.
I had the same boyfriend through high school. When I was 15, I was put on anti-psychotics -_-. Mistake. They tried seroquil, abilify, and zyprexa. I'm completely convinced that I was stressed and my hormones were raging, like most 15 year olds. After a summer of gaining 40 lbs and not feeling any better (by this time I had turned 16), I stopped the medication and started going to therapy once a week rather than twice a month. This helped soooo much. For about two years I felt good. NORMAL.
In those two years, I had one bad month. I got an underaged tattoo (haha) and, of course, the guy messed up. So in return, to deal with that traumatizing experience, I decided that I had Hep C. First I convinced myself that I had HIV, but I know about blood born pathogens, and HIV is a very, very delicate virus. I was much more concerned with Hep C. My mother comforted me and told me I didn't have it. I got blood work done (because it was about time anyway, I was sexually active) and everything came out negative. The results took about a week, and before I got them, I saw a therapist, who told me this was all just anxiety. When she said that, when she told me I was not going crazy, I didn't have another anxiety attack.
Until a month ago.
My mom died last march. I thought I was fine. I was so busy taking care of business...there was a lot to do. Take care of my dad, do all the house work and cooking my mom did, pay the bills, etc. I felt like I turned into my mom. That made it ok. She was with me.
Around the 6th month anniversary of her death, I started feeling sort of down. I thought to myself, "uh oh, time to get busy." So I signed up to go volunteer. School had just started and I was thankful for that. But in late Sep, I had a breakdown. I woke up with a panic attack and could not be left alone. My dad had to call of two days of work (which is really hard in his job) and I was passed between him and my grandmother. I spoke on the phone with an emergency on call therapist, who did nothing. My dad forced a therapist to see me (because everyone was giving me the run around) and she didn't do anything. In fact, she seemed to find it funny that I was obsessing about being addicted to sex (which I am not... at all). I understand that it is sort of a stupid thing to worry about, but I have a thing for incurable diseases and disorders. That's my thing. That's what my brain picks on when I'm having a hard time with anxiety.
I got put on citalopram during this time. I was on my third day when I saw my current therapist. I THINK I started getting better before the meds had a chance to work. When I had the breakdown, I could not function or be left alone. After I saw my current therapist I felt much better, although still pretty bad. This was on my third day of the drug. After about two weeks I was feeling a little bit more stable, but then I started having vivid nightmares everyyyy siiiiingle niiiiiight. It's horrible. If I'm lucky I'll sleep through the nightmare, but half the time (more recently) I wake up in a panic attack. I'm getting quite discouraged by psychiatrists and the meds they throw at me.
I don't expect anyone to actually read all of that. I just couldn't stop after I started hahaha
Is anyone else experiencing vivid nightmares?
Sometimes I wake up (I think) from being half asleep (I think) because I think about something so random it scares me. For example, last night, I was falling asleep (I hope) and all of a sudden I started singing "Christine, Christine, Christine" in my head (I don't think that's a song, I was just singing the name in my head, I think), which scared the crap out of me. I then preceded to have a panic attack because I convinced myself I was crazy. It seems as though my anxiety levels are so high that ativan is no longer working. I very rarely take this, so it is not a tolerance issue..
Sorry for the long post. The last bit is the most important.