scared to live but scared to die!?!

[nervousbutterflies]

I am sooo sooo soo nervous for next week. On monday is my 19th birthday which is not good because it will be the anniversary of when my panic attacks came back. On tuesday i start a new job as a nursing assistant at a nursing home. On wednesday i start school at the community college! WHAT A BAD WEEK! im nervous about starting the new job because i DO NOT have experience as a CNA! The girl hired me on the spot but i feel like she might have made a mistake because i have panic disorder and anxiety disorder. What happens if i have a panic attack on my first day on the job. To top it off my shift is 6am-230 pm! i never worked a shift that early in my life. I also have a seriously bad ciggerate addiction and i dont know how i am going to go that long without a ciggerette im gonna be such a mess. Now on Wednesday when i start school my first class starts at 10am. I have to drive about 20 minutes to get to school and when i get there i dont know how the heck i am going to find my classroom or anything! I AM SUPER NERVOUS!!! every night i start crying and freaking out thinking about next week. I also start to think about how screwed up my mind is and how i am never gonna be normal and i will never be able to do normal things with this condition! I want to get help but i cannot afford it at all. I hate the thought that people have to pay tons of money to be "normal" and on top of all of that i am paranoid that i am going to develop schizophrenia because the onset of it is 20! I feel like i have it because i have delusions that my boyfriend is cheating on me and i am always just so paranoid!!!! I am also worried that i will not be able to be a nurse when im older becuase of the problems i have now! i am so worried about the future because i am getting older:((
HELP! am i the only one with this much problems?
am i crazy? or just think too much?

[Charmbracelet81]

I totally understand, 100%. I don't view my college graduation day as a good time, because that's when my panic attacks started. I am a manager of a child care center and I am nervous every single weekday before I even get to work, hoping I don't panic because I have to see and talk to people all day long..like be an actress, but suffer on the inside and it sucks so bad. I worry about never being able to continue my education because I now connect school with panic. I worry about things that are weeks in advance, and when the day actually comes, WHEW, I am over the edge. Unlike you, I have been in cognitive behaviroal therapy for a year now, and while it is helping, I still have days where I am extremely nervous and panicked and just break down and cry. I cry about "why me" and "I miss the old me" and "I will never get better, NEVER!" Just know these thoughts are normal and I understand. *hugs*

[forwells]

Howdy nervousbutterflies :D

I am going to give you a bit of tough love hear .

Stop worrying . You are worrying about a whole heap of what ifs , what may happen . This is no good .

First off yes the one year since you had your first panic attack is worrying you but its not the date but the fact you still have them and i guess you think that they shoudl be gone and you are questioning weather they will ever go . Well they will , mine did and yours will.

The other stuff you are worried about , anyone would be bit worried but because of your anxiety it is blown out of whack . You wait and see you will get past the school and the job and you will wonder what you were worring about .

One more thing about this i want to point out is excitment and fear have a respones in the body very much the same and the only difference is your thinking . Are you sure that it is that you are not in some was excited about this new phase in your life .

The lady would not have hired you if she did not believe you could do the job , believe in yourself.

What you are feeling is just anxiety and the stress you are feeling dealing with it . Try and relax , do some meditations and talk to your boyfriend and ask him what he thinks about what you are worried about .

i have delusions that my boyfriend is cheating on me anxiety again . I use to have this about my wife , now if you knew my wife you would be rolling around the floor laughing that i could even think that . :shock:

You will not get schizophrenia this is just your anxiety talking and is a fear of many people with anxiety along with a few others .

You have anxiety and it is not a disorder , something you have to live your live with . It is nothing more than a stage in our lives were our stress is out of control . Once you get that stress under control it will settle . Yes is will take a while but it will settle and you will go on to live all your dreams and a happy and health life .

cheers kev :D

[ThePhoenix]

I have to agree with Kev, you are freaking yourself out with over thinking things that will never happen! You are thinking about a whole range of of what ifs and that is just inviting anxiety in!

You will be fine, dont try to talk yourself into an anxious or panicked state! :D

Good luck!

[jusroc]

don't worry.
just tell your self that everything will be alright.
.
also.
.
these old saying apply.
cross that bridge when you get to it
and
whats the worse can happen?

Often, we worry about things that will never happen.
Also.
Some of the things we worry about, if they did happen,
would not make a big difference to our lives.
.
Life is interactive. One door closes and another opens.
If something happens, then I am open to other oppertunities.
.
You just got to learn to roll with the punches.
Meaning, take life as it comes and do your best.
If things go wrong, then work out what your options are from that point onwards.
.
I think that all you need is some confidence and belief in your self.
Just got to realize that you are capable.
I imagine that if you have got the job, then the person who gave you the job thinks you will have no problem doing the job.
.
And when you start. don't worry about not knowing everything, as who does, just do your best and I am sure you will be fine as you will pick things up as you gain experience.

One book that may help you is a book called "Fear, friend of exceptional people" by Geoff Thompson.

Very good for people who suffer from fear of all sorts of types.