My Story :/

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Hi guys,

First let me ust say how happy I am to have found such a site dedicated to people like me!

About three years ago, I was a heavy drinker, avid smoker and living and working in a very stressful atmosphere. Two traumatically stressful events transpired leaving me with a sh*tload of internalized grief and no closure. Sounds great eh?

About 2 years ago, I started doing ecstacy. Not regularly, but like once every couple months. Loved it! Was kinda just having a great time hanging with my work friends, camping, going to parties..etc. The last time I did it, it had a really bad trip. I hadnt eaten prior to taking it and just flat out bugged out. I was super jittery, felt like i had to go #2, cold sweating, fidgety and faint. Horrible. I locke dmyself in my car and bugged out eating cheese puffs for 3 hours befor ei calmed down and eventually the rest of the night went perfectly fine, like itd never happened.

Cut to 1 year ago, I suddenly, and I mean SUDDENLY, could no longer go on trains or subways unless I was sitting. I could not wait for, or ride on, elvators, escalators, etc.. I could not wait at a deli for my sandwich to be made, couldn't go to a crowded bar, could no longer smoke cigarettes or drink liquor. Many things became triggers, like certain people's apartments or certain people in general. Feeling like I felt on that ecstasy was what i would be. Cold sweat, fidgety, light headed, had to go to #2, had to get out of there quick, wherever I was.

I nipped it in the bud pretty quikcly by getting on Meds right away, but the Dr's barely listened to me and prescribed me Lexipro and Xanax, like I was a textbook and had no individuality at all. I took the drugs. They were lack luster. Not what I wanted, not what I expected. I switched to Effexor, same kinda thing. I let my job which means I left my insurance behind with it, therefore had to cut the meds cold turkey. I've been med free ever since and miserable ever since.

I finally got insaurance back again and have begun seeing a psychiatrist. I really think that the ecstasy I took that night screwed me for life. I feel like there is still some sitting in my body somewhere, keeping me from ever fully letting go of that bad trip I had.

Ive had a very stressful family life from pretty much the beginning of time, but never had any "issues". I could easily pick up and go on a trip or go to someones house or go on a date. Now? Someone suggests going to a BBQ and I have to go to the bathroom. Dating? Forget it. I'm a substitue teacher and I cant even go to a job bc I can't handle it.

What I want to know is:

1) Do you think that ecstasy really triggered something? Is it still in my system causing all this crap?

2) Is there any hope at all?

3) Does anyone else have the #2 problem? Where you get so nervous and anxious you feel like you must find a bathroom STAT.

I dont know... I just wnated to get it all out there in writing. I havent done that before. I get a lot of therapy out of tlaking about my problem and having the people around me aware of it, rather than hiding it and being ashamed. So I liked the idea of getting it all out this way too.

Thanks for reading :)

[lawandorder]

Your ecstasy event and current anxiety are completely unrelated. If the ecstasy did cause it, you would have had all these symptoms within a few days of taking it. Seeing how you had a window of a year with no symptoms, it's pretty much impossible that they are related.
However, the symptoms are. A symptom of your anxiety is needing to go #2, don't get this symptom myself, but this happened when you were anxious when you did e, and its happening now. Everyone gets different symptoms, some of which we can't really explain.
You're in the same loop most of us are in. You 'can't' wait for a sandwich? You 'can't' go on escalators? This is wrong.
Consider anxiety a disease, and its spreading, fast. Why? Because you're avoiding situations to avoid the physiological response. You're afraid of the response. Have you ever done a #2 in your pants? I doubt it. But you fear it as if its a reality.. like you actually will.
Your going to have to start to practice challenging this response, otherwise you'll start being afraid to talk to people, go outside, do this do that.
See a psychologist/psychiatrist to medicate you to HELP you practice... you need a lot of it.
You'll be fine, ofcourse, but it's not going to be easy. who said life was meant to be easy.
take care

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Thanks. I just started seeing a new psychiatrist. Right now we're still in the About Me phase, so prescription for Meds aren't coming anytime soon unti she gets to me and my story a little better.

The #2 is probably the biggest issue I have at this time. I can deal with feeling like m gonna faint. I had this anxiety for nearly 2 years at this point. I've developed some pretty intense coping skills over that time. I go to bars again, I can wait on some lines (yes I can now wait for my sandwich to be made!) I havnt yet been on a train I dont think. And I definietly have not been on a subway. I have only been on an elevator once and I somehow managed but was not comfortable.

The anxiety goes through phases. Sometimes its social based..then I get over tht and it becomes activities based..then I get over that and it becomes trigger based.. While a year ago, I couldnt even set foot inside a bar, I now can, with great ease, but if there is a certina person involved, I cant do it. So its now transferred from the social scene itself to a specific trigger. This is all stuff I talk about with my Dr. Well see how it goes :)

Thanks for the clarification about the E and the anxiety. Ive been stressing over their correlation for years. I hate myself for havnig done that drug at all now and I carry that guilt and anger around with me like a rainy storm cloud over my head.