adrball
04-05-2010, 03:03 PM
Firstly a big thanks to whoever had the idea for this site, and for the motivation to carry it through. I've read quite a few stories on here already and I guess I've just had a moment of truth.
I've been living this bloody nightmare since August of last year, although upon reflection I've had many 'bad dreams' that should have given me some clues that this was coming.
My life was fulfilling for such a long time. I got married to my dream girl when I was 22 (15 years ago). I studied hard to get my professional qualifications that has helped me get promotion after promotion at work, and throughout I've been too busy to take real care of myself. But all this has given me tonnes of stress and through analysis I can see now that my life has been ruled by anxiety and lots of avoidance strategy.
I knew I wasn't ready for marriage, but I didn't want to lose her so I did it. I avoided the possibility of losing her instead of talking about my feelings. We jetted all over the world on dream holidays. I love travelling but chose to go only where she wanted to, again to avoid conflict. And I certainly didn't want kids but planted my seed only because I felt that's what I must do. My career has been good - one thing I actually chose without outside influence. But now I doubting whether this was the right choice.
So I married this woman and lived a lie for ages. Until such a point that I thought 'Fuck It' I'm going to do something I want to do for a change. My wife has been suffering with her own mental illnesses (probably caused by me) and I thought that this would be a perfect opportunity to recharge my batteries. So I fucked off to Australia to follow my beloved U2 tour there and had the time of my life. Greater that marriage and having kids.
Things were not right when I came back, she thought I was having an affair. But we got through that and I continued my lie for another couple of years knowing that my attempt to recharge batteries had failed. All it had done was to get me yearning for more freedom. Perhaps escape from the choices that I had made.
Then came a chance moment just happened - last March. My ex-boss referred me to a business specialist because of my horrible tendency to blush at anything. This specialist told that blushing is a natural reaction to feelings of being judged. I've always struggled being with groups of people - eg making presentations. But this woman lit the touch paper that started to help me address my problems. I started to think about how I could live my life in the way that I would like. So I fucked off around Europe last summer to see the beloved U2 again - 16 times. Spending time in line gave my head the time to relax, and think, for the first time in years. And I started to get scared about my future. I thought it could be a mid-life crisis.
By August I was in such a mess that I went AWOL from work. I attempted to take some time out and relocated my work from UK to Paris in the hope that I could rationally think this mess through. But I broke down in front of my new boss. My wife attempted suicide also and it was time to come home. I took 6 months leave off work. I was thinking the same things, in the same way, over and over again. I was scared about returning to work. In some ways I was quite excited that this could be the start of a new me, but I was scared about what my life would look like. I tried Anti-D's but they did nothing and didn't really want to use medication to navigate through this.
What I want to do is leave the wife and kids, pack up and start up a new life and job in South America. I'm scared. I can't talk to the wife about it. I'm sleeping poorly, my body twitches all the time, I can feel my heart beating fast, I want to sleep all the time, I shake when I now try to get to work on a morning. And my anger is unfuckingbelievably out of control. I get irritated being with the kids. I bash things up out of frustration but without feeling it coming. I don't know if this is just a midlife crisis but my anxiety is disabling me and turning me into a person I don't want to be. Has this life of avoidance just boiled up so much I've just popped?, or is it a mid-life crisis giving me these temporary symptoms. I know it's the first.
I feel like I'm a plane waiting to land, but being told my air traffic control to stay in a holding pattern. But I don't want this controller to dictate to me what to do anymore but I don't know how I move my life forward.
Fuck,,, this is all mumbled up.
I've been living this bloody nightmare since August of last year, although upon reflection I've had many 'bad dreams' that should have given me some clues that this was coming.
My life was fulfilling for such a long time. I got married to my dream girl when I was 22 (15 years ago). I studied hard to get my professional qualifications that has helped me get promotion after promotion at work, and throughout I've been too busy to take real care of myself. But all this has given me tonnes of stress and through analysis I can see now that my life has been ruled by anxiety and lots of avoidance strategy.
I knew I wasn't ready for marriage, but I didn't want to lose her so I did it. I avoided the possibility of losing her instead of talking about my feelings. We jetted all over the world on dream holidays. I love travelling but chose to go only where she wanted to, again to avoid conflict. And I certainly didn't want kids but planted my seed only because I felt that's what I must do. My career has been good - one thing I actually chose without outside influence. But now I doubting whether this was the right choice.
So I married this woman and lived a lie for ages. Until such a point that I thought 'Fuck It' I'm going to do something I want to do for a change. My wife has been suffering with her own mental illnesses (probably caused by me) and I thought that this would be a perfect opportunity to recharge my batteries. So I fucked off to Australia to follow my beloved U2 tour there and had the time of my life. Greater that marriage and having kids.
Things were not right when I came back, she thought I was having an affair. But we got through that and I continued my lie for another couple of years knowing that my attempt to recharge batteries had failed. All it had done was to get me yearning for more freedom. Perhaps escape from the choices that I had made.
Then came a chance moment just happened - last March. My ex-boss referred me to a business specialist because of my horrible tendency to blush at anything. This specialist told that blushing is a natural reaction to feelings of being judged. I've always struggled being with groups of people - eg making presentations. But this woman lit the touch paper that started to help me address my problems. I started to think about how I could live my life in the way that I would like. So I fucked off around Europe last summer to see the beloved U2 again - 16 times. Spending time in line gave my head the time to relax, and think, for the first time in years. And I started to get scared about my future. I thought it could be a mid-life crisis.
By August I was in such a mess that I went AWOL from work. I attempted to take some time out and relocated my work from UK to Paris in the hope that I could rationally think this mess through. But I broke down in front of my new boss. My wife attempted suicide also and it was time to come home. I took 6 months leave off work. I was thinking the same things, in the same way, over and over again. I was scared about returning to work. In some ways I was quite excited that this could be the start of a new me, but I was scared about what my life would look like. I tried Anti-D's but they did nothing and didn't really want to use medication to navigate through this.
What I want to do is leave the wife and kids, pack up and start up a new life and job in South America. I'm scared. I can't talk to the wife about it. I'm sleeping poorly, my body twitches all the time, I can feel my heart beating fast, I want to sleep all the time, I shake when I now try to get to work on a morning. And my anger is unfuckingbelievably out of control. I get irritated being with the kids. I bash things up out of frustration but without feeling it coming. I don't know if this is just a midlife crisis but my anxiety is disabling me and turning me into a person I don't want to be. Has this life of avoidance just boiled up so much I've just popped?, or is it a mid-life crisis giving me these temporary symptoms. I know it's the first.
I feel like I'm a plane waiting to land, but being told my air traffic control to stay in a holding pattern. But I don't want this controller to dictate to me what to do anymore but I don't know how I move my life forward.
Fuck,,, this is all mumbled up.