Hello there

[iamalive20]

I don't know whats going on. My mind is stuck in a dark place where all I think about is death. Though its not me dieing, its the fact that something has already happened. I wrote a list out of what terrifies me so I could talk to my mom about them. The talk helped, but I still could not wrap my mind around the logic. Here is the list.

Scared that I've some how died, and that I'm just watching my life play out.

That I've already lived this life, and now I'm self aware.

That the world has ended and I'm just watching how my life would have played out if the world had not ended.

That the rapture has happened and I got left behind.

That I've died and that I'm in Heaven or Hell.

These thoughts all started when I decided the brilliant idea of trying a few drugs. I tried mushrooms about 7 months ago with Syrian Rue. The Syrian Rue blocks your body from breaking down the mushrooms and makes the trip more "intense". I don't really remember that night at all, other then the fact I wet my friends bed, and had that feeling, that I some how died, or that I caused the world to end. But, since I didn't really remember that night all to well, it didn't bother me. About a month ago I smoked some marijuana with friends. I smoked out of a bong, and it hit me really hard, i started coughing uncontrollably. It felt like my throat was bleeding. When I sat down, i lost all control of my body, I was looking around with out actually looking around, walking around, though i was not the one walking. Of course my mind went to those dark places, I had died and I'm watching my life play itself out. I didn't physically recover from that night, till the following day. Mentally, maybe a week. But, eventually I knew i was alright.
This past Tuesday I had another episode, or flashback as few friends have called it. I was sitting in the drive thru with a friend, and all of a sudden, I had that feeling again, that I had no control. That mentally wore me out, my mind started racing, I didn't know what was going on. My mind felt foggy, like I wasn't all the way there. That Wednesday or Thursday, i stopped all caffeine intake. I was doing a little better, and to get my mind off things, I went to the movies with some friends on Friday. We saw Hot Tub Time Machine, and I was having a great time, laughing hysterically, giggling like a little girl. But all of a sudden, i had another episode, when the theater got really quite, and the same sorta frame played over and over, it felt like i had no control and I had yet died, and was watching my life play out. I had a panic attack, and had to have my friends drive me home. I had an appointment set for this Wednesday to see a family doctor. But yesterday, the worst of the worst happened. I was sitting in class and I couldn't concentrate, my mind was set on thinking about dark things. I left class and I drove my friend to the store to pick something up. While waiting in my car, everything seemed to just total up and i broke down. I called my mom crying saying something is wrong something is wrong. She told me to calm down and go home and talk to dad. That's when i started to Hyperventilate, my face became all tingly, my extremities were becoming numb. I got home and told my dad, who took me to the hospital. At the hospital, they told me what i already knew, that i had a panic attack and that i started to hyperventilate. While waiting in the hospital that's when my mind came to the "rapture" bit, which scared me, terrified me. I'll be watching TV and they will say things like, "why am i here" "there's no escape" "made mistakes" and i all think they pertain to me, even though i was only watching motorcycle racing.

I'm scared, I can't shake this feeling. My mind cant wrap around the logic, even when i type stuff like "You are alive nate. The world has not ended. You are OK. You are not in heaven or hell your on earth, you’ve never lived this life before, this is the first time." I still can't get it out of my head.

I would love to have somebody to talk to about these things.

I'd would love responses. Some insight if anyone else has felt like this, and how they overcomed the fear.

Thank you.

[rpewing]

I can relate...I don't think my feelings ever got that intense, but my first panic attack was also drug-induced, and I also experienced many of the same feelings you felt over the next few weeks (while also having panic attacks at random times).

I think the best word for it is "derealization" where it feels like nothing is real anymore. From what I've heard, it's a common side effect of having panic disorder; I always tried to explain it to people, but it made no sense to them. Eventually those feelings will go away, but I think your real problem is your panic attacks and that feeling may be playing some part in inducing them.

The situations where you're having them are textbook as well, at least for me; drugs (which I never used again after my first attack in 2001), any situation where you might have to wait, have a feeling of being trapped or embarrassed, etc. I've been there; in fact, I was there 9 years ago and I was there again just a month ago. These attacks can be induced from anything from being stuck in traffic, to eating in a restaurant, to being a movie; in fact, the last severe panic attack I had where I "relapsed" and had to start taking medicine again happened while I was watching Avatar. After bad ones, your mind can't concentrate on anything but the anxiety, how you can't feel right, you feel like you're crawling out of your skin, etc.

The second panic attack I ever had was terrifying. I was stuck in traffic on the interstate with no way of turning around (the median was blocked off), my cell phone was dead, and I freaked out. I hyperventilated to the point where my face and arms were totally numb, and I ended up having to go on the shoulder and throw the car in reverse to turn around. This was the first and only time in my life that I ever thought I was going to die, and not knowing it was a panic attack made it that much worse.

The only way you can overcome it is to stop being afraid. Once you realize panic attacks for what they are and that they can't actually hurt you, it's a big step in getting over everything. The problem is that the sensations are so intense, it's hard and near impossible in some cases to tell yourself that nothing is wrong.

I had a good support system around me; my family and friends all know and understand the situation, so they help me as best they can. There's a high risk for becoming too dependent, however, whether it be on people or medication, so your ultimate goal needs to be "I can handle this", not "I can handle this if someone is with me" or "I can handle this if I'm taking this drug". Don't get me wrong, medication such as SSRIs can help, but if you get on benzos such as Xanax that have a high addiction risk that numb you to the anxiety, you'll develop a tolerance and a dependency that is very unhealthy and will leave you worse off in the long run.

Also, understand that getting over this isn't going to happen overnight. The more you worry about how you feel and how your life feels like it's never going to be the same, the worse you'll get. Any positive step is a good thing, regardless of how small, and any setback can be overcome.

I'm not a doctor, but speaking from personal experience, I can tell you what I did wrong the first time around and how I'm applying it now to help me recover much more quickly in the present time. I hope it helps.

[Jamescc]

"Scared that I've some how died, and that I'm just watching my life play out.

That I've already lived this life, and now I'm self aware.

That the world has ended and I'm just watching how my life would have played out if the world had not ended.

That the rapture has happened and I got left behind.

That I've died and that I'm in Heaven or Hell."




The more you "try" to push them away, the longer they linger and the stronger their impact! When we welcome and give room to unwanted thoughts, they lose their significance and quickly diminish. When you impose a false sense of importance upon a thought, it will often appear more serious than it actually is!

Eventually, thinking becomes automatic, it becomes a habit. All day, every day, these thoughts seem to enter your head before you even think about them.

Look at it this way, when people meditate, they stop thinking for hours on end, until it becomes a habit and they can go on all day without a worrying thought! This is why they feel so refreshed!

Not you, your thoughts just carry on and on and when your mind is tired, like it is now I’m sure, it grabs hold of every thought pulling them in and making them stick.....

Why are some thoughts bad? When you are in this anxious state, emotion seems to be tenfold, everything magnifies and a little problem becomes massive! Something that you could dismiss when you were healthy, can stick around all day!

The actual thought is irrelavant.. I thought I was a peadofile for about 6 months, every child I looked at, I had a panic attack.. I was so scared.

Obivously, i'd never do anything for gods sake! but thats why it scared me.

CBT cured me.. THERE JUST THOUGHTS FOR GODS SAKE!


I wish I could talk to you... Feel free to email me on

[email protected] m


I'm not a proffesional, but I have been through it all, and completely recovered!

[iamalive20]

When i tried to sleep last night, i honestly couldn't fall asleep. The whole night when ever i closed my eyes I would have these vivid dreams or thoughts, they didn't make much sense, but it's all I could think about. When I woke up this morning, I tried to fall back asleep like I always do, and same thing, I couldn't fall asleep but when i shut my eyes I had those vivid thoughts again. This ever happen to anyone else?

[forwells]

Hi iamalive20 :D

As someone that is also recovered from the anxiety side of things i have to agree with Jamescc . It is all about holding onto these thoughts .

I still have these thoughts , mainly when tired but as i know what they are and that they are only coming from my tired mine i can let them go .

In order to recovery you have to learn that these thoughts are what ever one has but it is only people with anxiety that hold onto them , the reason behind this is that anxiety makes a person focus inwards on what is happening in there body . Panic attacks are soley from this .

See what happens is because of the stress over your use of drugs you had a bad turn , now every time you feel a small symptom that you think is going to start that trip again you panic , you dont need to see the panic because your body has learned to do it automatic , it learns this the same way that it learns to ride a bike without thinking .

Anxiety is all about a learned response to a danger we believe is there , but the mind cannot tell the difference between a real danger and a thought of danger and this is what you must stop .

To end those panic attack you have to just face it , yes it sucks but if you can stop and think for a split second when they start and say to yourself , i know what you are and i know you will leave then you will not feed this panic with more chemicals being released and it will fade fast . Over time the more you do this the easier it becomes untill on eday they dont come .
Now another thing Jamescc said is meditation , this is something you have to learn , meditation is nothing more than learning to clear the mind . Start slow and work from there , It works and it is the main reason i recovered . Look at breathing also as breathing is something the body uses to calm the body . Also eat , and i mean eat right , If you cant eat then hold your nose and drink some yucky homemake veggie jucies . Your body when stressed uses a huge amount of things. Much more than a clam person and take some supps.

You are not going mad , you dont have some horrible diesease , you are not losiing your mind , i have been there also and all it is is a overwork mind that has lost the abilty to calm itself down .
Cheers and good luck kev

[Namrata]

When i tried to sleep last night, i honestly couldn't fall asleep. The whole night when ever i closed my eyes I would have these vivid dreams or thoughts, they didn't make much sense, but it's all I could think about. When I woke up this morning, I tried to fall back asleep like I always do, and same thing, I couldn't fall asleep but when i shut my eyes I had those vivid thoughts again. This ever happen to anyone else?


Hi, it actually happens when you are getting stress of some problem that yo are facing or may be any kind of tension that you are facing that may get worse in future. But, please it will be better for you to just stay calm and relax and dont think about any negative thought. Always stay positive and I will suggest you that when ever you find problem in falling asleep just meditate for a while by diverting your mind in some thing else as it will keep your mind positive and will help you to get better sleep.

Thanks