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[onesickfish]

hello peeps. I'm 19 and female and from norfolk england and I don't know why i haven't saught out a forum like this before. I've had an anxiety disorder and suffered from panic attacks and depression for five years.

I can pin point the exact day that everything started, I was taking my SATS exams and I had my first panic attack. The experience was terrifying, nothing like that had ever happened to me, I was so easy going and confident, school had never phased me, I loved being sociable and enjoyed being centre of attention. As I walked into school I can remember thinking "I'm going to die". I called my mum who was understandably upset to have her daughter crying down the phone saying she was dying, (my god i'm such a drama queen). She picked me up straight away, and as soon as i got in her car I calmed down.

In retrospect I presume the episode was some kind of a breakdown, perhaps brought on by stress (I took my life far too seriously at 14!!) or by the mass amounts of junk food and alchohol I was consuming at the time (I know thats bad but i never considered drinking a problem because I was skinny,healthy,and full of energy)

Since then things only got worse, I've always been brought up with a 'deal with it' attitude. Hard on myself and everyone else. I booked an appointment with my doctor the same day. He gave me my first lot of medication - without asking questions or offering me strategies for coping or suggesting counselling.

No medication he put me on was strong enough though, and i kept going back to see him, asking for a higher dose. After a few months I had lost weight and my appearence had changed so much i didnt recognise myself when i looked in the mirror. I was getting depressed about not feeling able to go to school or see my friends or go anywhere. My doctor then perscribed me venaflaxine 150mg. Being on them was so strange, like being so sedated that you feel out of your own body. I had some other unpleasant side effects too like dizziness and nausea (the exact symptoms I panic over) I decided this probably wasnt normal and that i wanted to
get off them.

Woah was that a mistake, I only found out later that no one under 18 is supposed to be perscribed venaflaxine, and that 150mg was the strongest dosage for an adult with severe depression. It took me a long time to get of them, a lot of that time i spent in bed because i was so dizzy and off balance, i had some pretty strange withdrawl symptoms/side effects like a metallic taste in my mouth, stomach cramps, chills, and insomnia and the fatigue that comes with it. The biggest problem was the depression that it left me with. I did no revision for my GCSEs because i knew i wasn't going to be here to do them.

To cut a long story short (because this is already longer than most of my essays) The only thing that helped, was being refered to a cousellor, and later going to cognitive behavioural therapy.

I'm doing ok now, i have days when i'm on top of the world, and others when i dont want to ever get out of bed again. But i guess everyones like that right?? :unsure:

[shoe]

onesickfish, thats terrible that the doctor prescribed you something that made things worse! I have a feeling some doctors don't know half the time what they are prescribing, or at least the extent of the side effects. I'm glad CBT therapy worked for you. I haven't done CBT yet myself because I think I can't do it alone. I still think for me (a social phobic) that getting some type of group behavioral therapy would be best. As of now, I'm coping using benzodiazepines and trying to keep somewhat active.

Like you, I still have bad and good days, although my 'good' days are more just 'average' hehe. Just curious.. on your good days, are you able to do most of the things you want to do, or do you still feel somewhat limited?

[onesickfish]

To be honest before I started CBT i did think that it wouldn't be for me, but then when I was at my worst i believed nobody could help. I don't really know what its like to be a social phobic, but i can imagine that it feels incredibly lonely. One of the nice things about going to the sessions was talking to a friendly person (therapists are people) in a relaxed atmosphere. I don't know if that would help?? And when you say you don't think you can do it alone, is there anyone who can help you carry out the strategies learned in CBT? For example, I used to be pertified to go to the cinema, or in fact anywhere where you have to sit in rows facing the same way. My brother came with me when i tried to go, I wasn't always successful, (we must have seen the start to spiderman three times because i had a panic attack and had to leave) but to know he was there made all the difference.

On my good days I sometimes amaze myself. I know its unlikely but im actually a theatre studies student. When I'm onstage i can switch off, I manage to convince myself that the throwing up because im so nervous before a performance is normal stage fright and just get on with it because i can't let other people down. In fact seeing other people just as nervous as you is strangely comforting!! Recently i've been to several auditions for drama schools, and surprised myself by getting call backs for some of them. I still feel panic creeping up all the time, there isn't a day go by when im not on the edge of a panic attack for some reason or another but now ive put in place coping mechanisms. Some of which are really simple, for example im always afraid that I'll pass out, so now i always carry on me chocolate and fizzy drinks, because if i feel panic coming on i can just say to myself "I'm not goping to faint, i'm full of sugar- i'm not going to faint, im full of sugar".....and sometimes it actually works!

But in answer to your question, i still feel limited all the time. Despite looking back and seeing how far I've come, the very fact that I have to plan my day around meals to keep my blood sugar up and where the nearest toilet is and whether i have an 'escape route' (a lift home) feels very limiting.

When you say you're keeping active do you mean that youre taking exercise?? Because thats something that helped me alot. Something to do with all those yummy endorphines no doubt.