I need help to understand...

[Shuswapgal]

Hello all :) this is my first time visiting this forum. I decided to give this a try because I am going through a hard time right now and I'm hoping that there are people out there that can help me to understand the anxiety issues that my fiance has been going through.

We have been together for nearly three years, this past year has been really hard on him and it's gotten to the point where he is throwing up every single morning. This past week he has been unable to make it into work and I'm at the point where I just want him to suck it up and just get to work.

He recently went on anti depressants and has been back to the doctor every two weeks since begining his prescription and she has upped the dose each time. So far it has been a month and it does not seem to be working, well not how we had expected anyway. He is also taking gravol to try and curb the nausea in the mornings.

I believe that I also have my own anxiety issues, but mine are not the point where I am physically ill or unable to function, so I understand to a degree but now I feel like I am at the end of my rope. He has missed 5 days of work in the past two weeks. This stresses me out because not only do I have two children whom I receive no child support for, but he has two children of his own that he does pay support for, as well as all of our other regular bills each month. It's unfortunate but I cannot fit the bill for everything and now not only am I worried about my man and his health and anxiety but now I have a new burden, financially we are going to be screwed and of course Christmas is around the corner.

The other thing that is getting to me is the fact that he may not even have a job to go back to next week if he is well enough to make it. As the recession is still in full swing, there are not a lot of jobs out there right now. So when you do get a job, you need to hang onto it with dear life and now because the project they were working on is nearly complete and they don't have anything new to move onto, where does that leave us?? He cannot collect employment insurance either.

So I am pretty much freaking out, he's sick and can't go to work and where is the money going to come from to pay all of the bills and put food in our cupboards?? I am angry, disapointed, hurt, worried, upset, so many emotions and I don't know what to do.

I'm hoping that maybe there are people out there that have been through something such as this and help me to understand better and maybe suggest some steps to take to help my family through this tough time.

Thank you all :)

[Belle]

I'm so sorry you guys are having such a hard time. Severe anxiety can unfortunately affect work life, and I'm sure the stress of it all is not helping much in making him feel better. Medication has it's place in treating anxiety and it doesn't. The fact that he's physically ill means medication is something he needs, however it takes time to see changes, sometimes it'll get worse before it gets better. Sometimes up to 3 months is what you can expect before you see improvement.
Until then, some therapy so he can learn to deal with stress and how to cope with what he's feeling is a must, medication isn't a cure alone. Anything to lower stress levels, doing some fun stuff to get his mind off it. Letting him know everything will be ok, assuring him you're there to help him and there is no pressure and to just do what he can and if he can't work everyday, that's ok, you'll find a way to manage until he feels better.
I know it's a hard to say, but life, family and health is much more important than money and bills. I know when you have no money and the threat of losing your job causes stress so it's a big cycle. But knowing there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you can get through anything together as long as you have each other may be an encouragement for him.

I do really feel the stress of how he's feeling, his frustration, his fear of not being able to work and the fact he just wants to stop having anxiety so life can be normal, is making things worse. He wants to do the best for his family and maybe feels he's letting you down and is blaming himself and feels a little useless and worthless. You're doing the best you can in helping him and hopefully he can see that so is he and these things do happen to people and the only way forward is to look positevly and actively in trying to change the way he's feeling. But everything takes time with anxiety.

I hope things get better though.

[angelmum63]

Hi there,

sorry to hear about ur predicament. i'm wondering if he needs to know that it is him that counts... re-assure him that he is who is important and that u will do whatever it takes to see him through this. he is more than likely aware that things have spiralled out of control which my guess is contributing to his anxiety - the last thing he needs.

be patient.... it all does work out in the end.

and good on u for finding out more about anxiety... knowledge is power.

it will all work out!

[Shuswapgal]

I'm so sorry you guys are having such a hard time. Severe anxiety can unfortunately affect work life, and I'm sure the stress of it all is not helping much in making him feel better. Medication has it's place in treating anxiety and it doesn't. The fact that he's physically ill means medication is something he needs, however it takes time to see changes, sometimes it'll get worse before it gets better. Sometimes up to 3 months is what you can expect before you see improvement.
Until then, some therapy so he can learn to deal with stress and how to cope with what he's feeling is a must, medication isn't a cure alone. Anything to lower stress levels, doing some fun stuff to get his mind off it. Letting him know everything will be ok, assuring him you're there to help him and there is no pressure and to just do what he can and if he can't work everyday, that's ok, you'll find a way to manage until he feels better.
I know it's a hard to say, but life, family and health is much more important than money and bills. I know when you have no money and the threat of losing your job causes stress so it's a big cycle. But knowing there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you can get through anything together as long as you have each other may be an encouragement for him.

I do really feel the stress of how he's feeling, his frustration, his fear of not being able to work and the fact he just wants to stop having anxiety so life can be normal, is making things worse. He wants to do the best for his family and maybe feels he's letting you down and is blaming himself and feels a little useless and worthless. You're doing the best you can in helping him and hopefully he can see that so is he and these things do happen to people and the only way forward is to look positevly and actively in trying to change the way he's feeling. But everything takes time with anxiety.

I hope things get better though.

I'm so glad that you took the time to reply to me, thank you so much. I knew that there would be other people out there that understood somewhat of what we are going through and already you have shed so much light on our situation and I really appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. It's been really, really hard and there are other things that I didn't mention that are also making the situation much worse.

He has an ex that he has to deal with and two kids that we see every second weekend. So not only is he having a hard time getting to his job each day, but then he has his ex that does the exact opposite of what we want and is just very, very difficult to deal with, so that just adds to everything that we are already experiencing.

I do have to say that I'm still not one hundred percent sure that what he needs is medication and now I'm having these feelings that I have pushed him into it and I am worrying that it was maybe not the right choice? Now when I look back, he seemed better before the medication, but when he started to get so sick again, each morning, I knew that something had to be done. So this is the step we have taken. He will also be talking to a counsellor soon and having meetings over the phone. I really hope that this will also help.

One positive thing is that he did not throw up this morning, and this is the first time in weeks, so this might be a good sign. I have been trying to be as supportive as possible and boost his ego when I can. But I am not always that way, I have gotten angry and upset on occasion because a year ago he would get sick and still go to work and I don't understand what is so different this time?? I guess just the stress and feeling overwhelmed because now suddenly I am the primary bread winner really freaks me out. There is just no way that we can pay all the bills and have food on the table if he isn't working as well. The other thing that is rough, is the fact that he has to pay nearly 900 dollars in child support each month and if we miss a payment, they charge a peanlty and then the amount just keeps getting bigger and bigger. This is a huge stresser in our relationship as well. So it's been really, really hard.

I agree with you that our family health and well being are more important than a job and paying the bills, but I just keep thinking that we have worked so hard to get to where we are at now and I am afraid to lose everything. I know that I am probably just having my own anxiety issues and am freaking out ahead of time, but I find it really hard to just live in the now and not think about the future.

This time of year does't seem to make things any easier and having four kids to buy for, over the holidays is insane. But you are right, I just need to be as supportive as possible and do my best to just try and help him through this tough time he is having.

I do feel today though that I have maybe pin pointed why he has missed about 5 days of work in the past two weeks and I'm pretty sure that it stems from a conversation he had with another plumber at the job site he's currently working at. I believe that he asked someone who is still an apprentice and not a journeyman about something that they were working on, just to be sure and now he feels that he is not up to par with what he feels he should be as a journeyman plumber. I guess when he asked the question the guy even said to him " you don't know this?" and he did know, he just wanted to be sure. So now since this apprentice knew the answer, he now feels like he's not good enough and now he feels like he shouldn't even be a plumber. He has been doing the same job for almost 8 years now and recently graduated, but small things like these have thrown him right off track and it really worries me.

Last year, it was a way different situation, he would come home bragging about his work and how he had no leaks and how so and so did and what not, it's such a shock now and a big change to hear this manly man of mine, talk about himself as if he has no value in this world anymore. It worries me and it has put a strain on our relationship.

Well I've gone on long enough and I really do appreciate your input and I will just keep plugging along and will do my best to be as loving and supporting as possible so that we are able to make it through this rough patch we've hit in the story of our lives.......

[Shuswapgal]

Hi there,

sorry to hear about ur predicament. i'm wondering if he needs to know that it is him that counts... re-assure him that he is who is important and that u will do whatever it takes to see him through this. he is more than likely aware that things have spiralled out of control which my guess is contributing to his anxiety - the last thing he needs.

be patient.... it all does work out in the end.

and good on u for finding out more about anxiety... knowledge is power.

it will all work out!

You are so right!!! And I'm sure I have just made things worse. I find it really hard at times to just stay positive and reassuring though. It has worn on the both of us, but at least I know I can pick myself back up, he really needs my help to get back to as normal as possible. I'm really glad that you brought this up and I will do my best not to contribute to his anxiety.

Be patient is also right, I am definitely not a patient person, I mean I have gotten better over the years but yeah it's definitely one of my downfalls. Thank you for your kind words and I will do my best to stay positive :)