Joseph1
10-15-2009, 09:11 PM
Hello,
I have been dealing with what I am finally beginning to accept is anxiety disorder. I have been for some years now, on and off, going through the stomach pains, fears about diseases- cancer, hiv- you name it, if I read the symptoms, I thought I had it even if it didnt make sense, and panic attacks. My first panic attack scared me deeply. I cannot even do justice to the fear and sensations I was going through. All in all, that first one lasted about an hour, up and down. Basic symptoms were a falling surge sensation (best way I can describe it) and fast heart rate, dizziness, and feeling like I was going to die/lose my mind/disappear (if that makes sense). I thought the first one must be food posioning or something because I just simply have never experienced anything like it. Stomach pains followed and had this dull pain for several months, could not eat much, but mentally and physically I felt pretty much as I had before just with this stomach pain. Sometimes it was really bad, but it was always there and dull and sometimes moving into my chest. I went to the doctor and he tried to convinced me I had anxiety disorder- this after a series of blood tests, ultrasounds, etc. that turned up all normal. He gave me paxil and clonazapam. I DONT like pills, I just dont like them, scared of the long term effects, and really dont think anybody really knows why they work or the long terms effects of taking them. But I tried it because I had done everything else, and plus the doctor wouldnt give me anymore tests until I tried the meds. So I took paxil and within a week my stomach pains were gone and I had a generally happier feeling, usually I am moody and grumpy because I am too lost in my head and the constant dialogue I have going on there. But I felt GREAT! I had before gotten annoyed by the most insignificant things. Chewing, I could not be around anyone who chewed loud and had nasty feeling about animals (not liking them) and generally about people. This all went away, and I felt great. I felt too, like my mind was somewhat freed from the "noise" that is a constant part of my life, rushing thoughts, never ending images. But it had some bad effects. Sexual problems. I thought I could deal with this, but soon my old feeling began to come back, after about a month on paxil. I stopped taking it, which wasnt easy because of the electric shock sensation and headache, but I got off it. Stomach pains remained gone. I went back to my "old" self, so I was told. I was told I was so nice and a change was very evident while on the paxil. I never took the clonazapam because I was scared of it. Now some time went by, maybe a year. All told, I lost more than 20lbs through the whole ordeal. But I was pretty much back to normal, although my eating habits were altered and so I remained skinny. I weighed about 175 and went down to 155. That seemed to remain constant for a year or so. Recently, I was having panic attacks once in a while. This scared me since I had been free of them for so long. They came usually at night, and I would start picturing myself dead as an old man (I am very frightened by death, time going by so fast, meaning of life, God? etc.), lying on my death bed. This has been very strange. One attack came during the day, and I think it was triggered by indigestion maybe, but I thought I had been posioned, and had an attack. This attacks make my heart race very fast, and as I said before, the feeling of losing my mind or dying is unbearable. I resort to walking fast, head looking down to the ground and waiting for it to pass. If I stand still, I get very dizzy and the surge sensation of falling (similar to going over a roller coaster, which I dont like). They go up and down. Now I had maybe five of them, maybe once or twice a week. Then I had the mother of all attacks. I felt pretty much ok. I was watching a movie when BAM! Now I must preface this with an explaination of my day. I have been and still am very scared of the swine flu, and the tv and such made it more and more scary for me. I spent that day thinking alot about it and reading about it on the internet. So anyway, here I am watching a movie and this attacks comes and I FEEL fluish, like really bad. I start shaking and feel cold, so I go to take a hot bath, but when I get out the shaking start again, really bad, like I was naked outside in winter or something. I decided ot go to bed right away because one, I was cold and shaking, and two, I thought if this was another attack maybe, just maybe I could fall asleep and it would all pass. I was wrong. I lay there with my heart going CRAZY and these rollercoaster sensations coming ever minute. I couldnt lay there, so I got up and went to the other room, tried to walk around but it was too strong. I kept trying to go back to bed and this continued for many hours. I finally took a benedryl and some stomach relief medicine and finally feel asleep on the floor around 4am. So about 6 hours. It wasnt constant, up and down sensation...everything I thought it was going away, it was like boom in my chest and I was right back in it, heart beating fast, tingling in the face and ears and finger-the works! The next morning I woke up feeling very bad. I have never really been throgh depression, but that is how I would describe the next few day. I felt dead, like a raw feeling I cannot describe. I had constant weight in my chest and stomach. I could feel my heart beating all the time. So I called the doctor again, and got an emergency perscription for clonazapam until I could see the doctor. I took half of this pill and felt better, somewhat, and slept a little. The bad feeling, however remained. I went to the doctor and met a woman who gave me some worthless exercises (breathing slow and imaging a good place) in fact it induced the panic feeling. The doctor and I talked after this woman left, and I went through the feelings. Now, I am 24 years old, and have gone through alot in my little life, most people cannot believe how much, but I am very composed and want to live a life of meaning and have climbed out of the place which I came from. I am doing well in this respect, I am a realist painter, a student, and doing quite well. But I am poor as it is now, and really have no health insurance. I tell you this because I have to go to walk-in clinics, and the type of dialogue I have with the doctors is insufficent. I want to know if my symptoms make sense, I mean IS this anxiety? Do I have a heart condition, or cancer? I could not go into that, because he didnt have time, and so he gave me a prescription for wellbutrin and clonazapam. He is a good doctor, just has many patients, and cannot sit around and wait for me to go though my story. So I am on this medicine. It is not as good as the paxil. I was expecting the same result. It in fact had increased my anxiety at first and then I leveled out. Time passed and I am feeling sort of my old self. I am not sure if the medicine is working or if it has naturally passed. I have been on it for a little over a month. The side effects are bothersome. Dry mouth, rapid heart rate from ANY physical activity, and a strange dry cough. Also ringing in the ears, which I always had, but it is VERY loud now. I have no one to talk to about these side effects however..it says to tell your doctor if you have ringing in the ears, but I am not sure if it is serious. Wellbutrin seems to have the effect of caffine, without the jitters. I have since been off caffine since I really dont need it anymore. Sleep has be bothersome too. I wake too early, and rewake several times at night. The other thing that bothers me is the weight loss, which is the topic of my post...sorry to have jabbered on above, but I feel I have to get this out. I come from a very skinny family. Very thin. Now I have never been "heavy", but I was know to have a little belly and big cheeks, but skinny everywhere else. I used to eat a lot of junk food, and very unbalanced diet. I am working all the time, but do little exercise. So I weighed about 175 and am 5'10 pretty much. So it was a little much, and it showed since my arms and legs are thin. Since that first attack, I have gone down to 146 which is what I weighed at the doctors a month ago. He was concerned about it, but of course, didnt go into it. I am very thin now, I mean bones in places I didnt know I had bones. I have to say, that before I was concerned about having a big belly and cheeks and looking kinda bloated. So I kinda made an effort to eat less. But I didnt go crazy. Now, I have these panic attacks, these bad symptoms, weight loss, and of course, this stimulates my negative thoughts. I think I have cancer or some disease or even hiv, which quite frankly is impossible- but I typed in dry cough and that came up so I got worried about it. Now Before I really didnt see it. Now I am starting to see the pattern and realize that maybe this is anxiety. I mean it makes sense....but there is that little thing in me that is not connected with my thinking but more with my feeling and that tells me something is wrong. I am worried all the time. Today, I had this feeling in my chest although as I said before, things have been better. I look in the mirror and think something must be wrong with me. CAN you lose that much weight with anxiety...I mean I always read about people GAINING weight with anxiety. So this bothers me so much, that tonight, when I have so much to do and am behind in my work, I am writing this because I have no where else to go. I do not know anyone with the symptoms I have, although friends have said they have had panic attacks...they have a few of the symptoms, but not all, and not he constant chest pain, awareness of heart, stomach pain, fatigue. I am only 24, and frankly, I am a "change the world" kind of person. I have so much I want to do..so many great things I want to accomplish. This is in the way. I cant function as I should, and it is wearing me down.
Please if anyone can shed a little light for me, I mean, does this sound like anxiety? Is that much weight loss possible? The going crazy part? Will it go away. Anyone with some positive insight would be a great friend! I am just scared..I never cry but I feel so broken down that I feel like crying even though I cannot. I have felt at times it would be better not to live than deal with this. It is not just these feeling on there own, but perhaps what may be causing them. I often find myself in deep though about life and the shortness of our life. I think about the meaning of my life and sometimes see that maybe there is none. I am not depressed, these feelings make me worry! I love life, but feel trapped.
I have been dealing with what I am finally beginning to accept is anxiety disorder. I have been for some years now, on and off, going through the stomach pains, fears about diseases- cancer, hiv- you name it, if I read the symptoms, I thought I had it even if it didnt make sense, and panic attacks. My first panic attack scared me deeply. I cannot even do justice to the fear and sensations I was going through. All in all, that first one lasted about an hour, up and down. Basic symptoms were a falling surge sensation (best way I can describe it) and fast heart rate, dizziness, and feeling like I was going to die/lose my mind/disappear (if that makes sense). I thought the first one must be food posioning or something because I just simply have never experienced anything like it. Stomach pains followed and had this dull pain for several months, could not eat much, but mentally and physically I felt pretty much as I had before just with this stomach pain. Sometimes it was really bad, but it was always there and dull and sometimes moving into my chest. I went to the doctor and he tried to convinced me I had anxiety disorder- this after a series of blood tests, ultrasounds, etc. that turned up all normal. He gave me paxil and clonazapam. I DONT like pills, I just dont like them, scared of the long term effects, and really dont think anybody really knows why they work or the long terms effects of taking them. But I tried it because I had done everything else, and plus the doctor wouldnt give me anymore tests until I tried the meds. So I took paxil and within a week my stomach pains were gone and I had a generally happier feeling, usually I am moody and grumpy because I am too lost in my head and the constant dialogue I have going on there. But I felt GREAT! I had before gotten annoyed by the most insignificant things. Chewing, I could not be around anyone who chewed loud and had nasty feeling about animals (not liking them) and generally about people. This all went away, and I felt great. I felt too, like my mind was somewhat freed from the "noise" that is a constant part of my life, rushing thoughts, never ending images. But it had some bad effects. Sexual problems. I thought I could deal with this, but soon my old feeling began to come back, after about a month on paxil. I stopped taking it, which wasnt easy because of the electric shock sensation and headache, but I got off it. Stomach pains remained gone. I went back to my "old" self, so I was told. I was told I was so nice and a change was very evident while on the paxil. I never took the clonazapam because I was scared of it. Now some time went by, maybe a year. All told, I lost more than 20lbs through the whole ordeal. But I was pretty much back to normal, although my eating habits were altered and so I remained skinny. I weighed about 175 and went down to 155. That seemed to remain constant for a year or so. Recently, I was having panic attacks once in a while. This scared me since I had been free of them for so long. They came usually at night, and I would start picturing myself dead as an old man (I am very frightened by death, time going by so fast, meaning of life, God? etc.), lying on my death bed. This has been very strange. One attack came during the day, and I think it was triggered by indigestion maybe, but I thought I had been posioned, and had an attack. This attacks make my heart race very fast, and as I said before, the feeling of losing my mind or dying is unbearable. I resort to walking fast, head looking down to the ground and waiting for it to pass. If I stand still, I get very dizzy and the surge sensation of falling (similar to going over a roller coaster, which I dont like). They go up and down. Now I had maybe five of them, maybe once or twice a week. Then I had the mother of all attacks. I felt pretty much ok. I was watching a movie when BAM! Now I must preface this with an explaination of my day. I have been and still am very scared of the swine flu, and the tv and such made it more and more scary for me. I spent that day thinking alot about it and reading about it on the internet. So anyway, here I am watching a movie and this attacks comes and I FEEL fluish, like really bad. I start shaking and feel cold, so I go to take a hot bath, but when I get out the shaking start again, really bad, like I was naked outside in winter or something. I decided ot go to bed right away because one, I was cold and shaking, and two, I thought if this was another attack maybe, just maybe I could fall asleep and it would all pass. I was wrong. I lay there with my heart going CRAZY and these rollercoaster sensations coming ever minute. I couldnt lay there, so I got up and went to the other room, tried to walk around but it was too strong. I kept trying to go back to bed and this continued for many hours. I finally took a benedryl and some stomach relief medicine and finally feel asleep on the floor around 4am. So about 6 hours. It wasnt constant, up and down sensation...everything I thought it was going away, it was like boom in my chest and I was right back in it, heart beating fast, tingling in the face and ears and finger-the works! The next morning I woke up feeling very bad. I have never really been throgh depression, but that is how I would describe the next few day. I felt dead, like a raw feeling I cannot describe. I had constant weight in my chest and stomach. I could feel my heart beating all the time. So I called the doctor again, and got an emergency perscription for clonazapam until I could see the doctor. I took half of this pill and felt better, somewhat, and slept a little. The bad feeling, however remained. I went to the doctor and met a woman who gave me some worthless exercises (breathing slow and imaging a good place) in fact it induced the panic feeling. The doctor and I talked after this woman left, and I went through the feelings. Now, I am 24 years old, and have gone through alot in my little life, most people cannot believe how much, but I am very composed and want to live a life of meaning and have climbed out of the place which I came from. I am doing well in this respect, I am a realist painter, a student, and doing quite well. But I am poor as it is now, and really have no health insurance. I tell you this because I have to go to walk-in clinics, and the type of dialogue I have with the doctors is insufficent. I want to know if my symptoms make sense, I mean IS this anxiety? Do I have a heart condition, or cancer? I could not go into that, because he didnt have time, and so he gave me a prescription for wellbutrin and clonazapam. He is a good doctor, just has many patients, and cannot sit around and wait for me to go though my story. So I am on this medicine. It is not as good as the paxil. I was expecting the same result. It in fact had increased my anxiety at first and then I leveled out. Time passed and I am feeling sort of my old self. I am not sure if the medicine is working or if it has naturally passed. I have been on it for a little over a month. The side effects are bothersome. Dry mouth, rapid heart rate from ANY physical activity, and a strange dry cough. Also ringing in the ears, which I always had, but it is VERY loud now. I have no one to talk to about these side effects however..it says to tell your doctor if you have ringing in the ears, but I am not sure if it is serious. Wellbutrin seems to have the effect of caffine, without the jitters. I have since been off caffine since I really dont need it anymore. Sleep has be bothersome too. I wake too early, and rewake several times at night. The other thing that bothers me is the weight loss, which is the topic of my post...sorry to have jabbered on above, but I feel I have to get this out. I come from a very skinny family. Very thin. Now I have never been "heavy", but I was know to have a little belly and big cheeks, but skinny everywhere else. I used to eat a lot of junk food, and very unbalanced diet. I am working all the time, but do little exercise. So I weighed about 175 and am 5'10 pretty much. So it was a little much, and it showed since my arms and legs are thin. Since that first attack, I have gone down to 146 which is what I weighed at the doctors a month ago. He was concerned about it, but of course, didnt go into it. I am very thin now, I mean bones in places I didnt know I had bones. I have to say, that before I was concerned about having a big belly and cheeks and looking kinda bloated. So I kinda made an effort to eat less. But I didnt go crazy. Now, I have these panic attacks, these bad symptoms, weight loss, and of course, this stimulates my negative thoughts. I think I have cancer or some disease or even hiv, which quite frankly is impossible- but I typed in dry cough and that came up so I got worried about it. Now Before I really didnt see it. Now I am starting to see the pattern and realize that maybe this is anxiety. I mean it makes sense....but there is that little thing in me that is not connected with my thinking but more with my feeling and that tells me something is wrong. I am worried all the time. Today, I had this feeling in my chest although as I said before, things have been better. I look in the mirror and think something must be wrong with me. CAN you lose that much weight with anxiety...I mean I always read about people GAINING weight with anxiety. So this bothers me so much, that tonight, when I have so much to do and am behind in my work, I am writing this because I have no where else to go. I do not know anyone with the symptoms I have, although friends have said they have had panic attacks...they have a few of the symptoms, but not all, and not he constant chest pain, awareness of heart, stomach pain, fatigue. I am only 24, and frankly, I am a "change the world" kind of person. I have so much I want to do..so many great things I want to accomplish. This is in the way. I cant function as I should, and it is wearing me down.
Please if anyone can shed a little light for me, I mean, does this sound like anxiety? Is that much weight loss possible? The going crazy part? Will it go away. Anyone with some positive insight would be a great friend! I am just scared..I never cry but I feel so broken down that I feel like crying even though I cannot. I have felt at times it would be better not to live than deal with this. It is not just these feeling on there own, but perhaps what may be causing them. I often find myself in deep though about life and the shortness of our life. I think about the meaning of my life and sometimes see that maybe there is none. I am not depressed, these feelings make me worry! I love life, but feel trapped.