Anxietyiscruel
10-09-2009, 10:23 AM
Hi,
I have been suffering from acute anxiety for the past 5 months, in fact it kind of ruined a trip round south america for me. I saw a phsycologist on wednesday and she said I have slight OCD, mostly obsessive thoughts and they are not getting better, in fact they are getting worse. Here is my story amd hope someone give me some comfort and support.
I did a ski season last winter and had a really wild time. I slept with many people, all of whom i regret and wasn't always safe ( i kick myself every day for this). I was always under the influence and have some pretty horrible experiences to live with for the rest of my life. My first was I got so wrecked with some of my guests on a bar crawl and ended back at their apartment and i didn't even remember ending up in bed with one of them, apart from brief flashbacks. I left the next morning highly embarrassed only to hear a week later the brother of the guest i slept with filmed us, i felt at the time totally disgusted and violated and then a further rumour of a third party involved killed me! I remember absolutely nada of sleeping with a second person and i have never felt such self loathing. I didn't do anything with anyone until a month later when i left with a french guy who said we couldn't go back to his apartment as he was with his sister so we did some stuff in a stairwell ( totally horrible i know). The next day a brief moment of horror flashed before me when i thought he was really young as he was with his sister. Highly unlikely as I was in a bar surrounded by friends and I forgot about it. Then after hooking up with a friend abut 2 months later, his flatmate took pictures which when I approached him as being totally inappropriate he deleted. I forgot about this because as soon as I returned I got obsessed by the idea of the idea of having HIV, was tested at 7 weeks since last exposure and because I was told by one nurse it wouldn't be conclusive i freaked out for the first 6 weeks of my trip in S. America and then as I became so obsessed i had to be tested at 13 weeks did so at a private clinic in La Paz. It came back all clear, this should have been the end of it all. It wasn't, I became obsessed at the idea i was tested with a dirty needle. I drowned my sorrows in drink and i hate myself for this slept with an Irish guy who swears we used a condom, i didn't believe him and took 6 weeks to get over that. I had 2 good weeks of a 3 month trip!
I came home and didn't fret about anything until I realized I felt I couldn't have a sexual relationship with anyone due to HIV risk, even with condoms. This again passed until one morning I woke up with a the fear that no one would want to be with someone as tainted as me as i have had 9-10 partners and I have sworn I don't want to sleep with anyone now until I have found somebody who I trust and who trusts me....lesson learned. My parents know all about this and have said don't let this get me down or destroy me I am stronger than this!
Then horribly 3 weeks ago whilst people talking about people sleeping with underage teenagers it bought back memories of that boy who was staying with his sister and what happens if he was under 16, i felt physically sick. Everyone again, including my mum and GP said it was highly highly unlikely and if so wasn't my fault as an under 18 shouldn't be in bar!
Because I have faced those fears I have been worrying about things such as murder and pedophilia and today has been the worst in a while.
My new one is i think i am a sick person. I can't remember what age I was about 10-11 (maybe younger or slightly older) so my sister was about 8 and my brother 5 or 6 and I grew up quite late. I remember playing mummies and daddies or some other make-believe game and as my brother was the only boy and i was the oldest girl I would be mum and brother dad and we would pretend to have sex and we would be fully clothed, basically one of us lying on top of the other and then I would have a baby- my sister. This only happened a couple of times. I grew out of it shortly later once i started secondary school. I would think about it in the past 4-5 year and think did i do something wrong and then brush it off saying this was just child play. But now with my anxiety I have panic attacks that I abused my brother and I also have vague memories of being turned on yet i remember not knowing why i felt like that. I can never ever remember touching him in an inappropriate way and we have the best relationship ever he is 18 and i'm 23.
Do you think I was inappropriate here or as i used to believe its all child play .
I have never ever had these thoughts up until now but I then started to think did I sexually abuse my brother at any other point in my life. I wrack my brains for hours and hours and hours and can never remember doing anything like that. Then at work tonight I saw the parent of a friend of my brothers and thought what happens if i abused their daughter. I don't know what to make of these thoughts, would you remember doing something as vile as sexually abusing someone. They are so bad I have thought of suicide. It has completely ruined my life I am meant to go to thailand in 3 weeks and then snowboard for another season and can't be excited about either, I can't ever see myself ever being happy again.
Only sensible and useful answers would be appreciated as I am in a very fragile state at the moment, so much so I have resorted to taking my dad's diazepam and crying all night even at work. Is this my anxiety or my past catching up with me?!
Best wishes to all.
I have been suffering from acute anxiety for the past 5 months, in fact it kind of ruined a trip round south america for me. I saw a phsycologist on wednesday and she said I have slight OCD, mostly obsessive thoughts and they are not getting better, in fact they are getting worse. Here is my story amd hope someone give me some comfort and support.
I did a ski season last winter and had a really wild time. I slept with many people, all of whom i regret and wasn't always safe ( i kick myself every day for this). I was always under the influence and have some pretty horrible experiences to live with for the rest of my life. My first was I got so wrecked with some of my guests on a bar crawl and ended back at their apartment and i didn't even remember ending up in bed with one of them, apart from brief flashbacks. I left the next morning highly embarrassed only to hear a week later the brother of the guest i slept with filmed us, i felt at the time totally disgusted and violated and then a further rumour of a third party involved killed me! I remember absolutely nada of sleeping with a second person and i have never felt such self loathing. I didn't do anything with anyone until a month later when i left with a french guy who said we couldn't go back to his apartment as he was with his sister so we did some stuff in a stairwell ( totally horrible i know). The next day a brief moment of horror flashed before me when i thought he was really young as he was with his sister. Highly unlikely as I was in a bar surrounded by friends and I forgot about it. Then after hooking up with a friend abut 2 months later, his flatmate took pictures which when I approached him as being totally inappropriate he deleted. I forgot about this because as soon as I returned I got obsessed by the idea of the idea of having HIV, was tested at 7 weeks since last exposure and because I was told by one nurse it wouldn't be conclusive i freaked out for the first 6 weeks of my trip in S. America and then as I became so obsessed i had to be tested at 13 weeks did so at a private clinic in La Paz. It came back all clear, this should have been the end of it all. It wasn't, I became obsessed at the idea i was tested with a dirty needle. I drowned my sorrows in drink and i hate myself for this slept with an Irish guy who swears we used a condom, i didn't believe him and took 6 weeks to get over that. I had 2 good weeks of a 3 month trip!
I came home and didn't fret about anything until I realized I felt I couldn't have a sexual relationship with anyone due to HIV risk, even with condoms. This again passed until one morning I woke up with a the fear that no one would want to be with someone as tainted as me as i have had 9-10 partners and I have sworn I don't want to sleep with anyone now until I have found somebody who I trust and who trusts me....lesson learned. My parents know all about this and have said don't let this get me down or destroy me I am stronger than this!
Then horribly 3 weeks ago whilst people talking about people sleeping with underage teenagers it bought back memories of that boy who was staying with his sister and what happens if he was under 16, i felt physically sick. Everyone again, including my mum and GP said it was highly highly unlikely and if so wasn't my fault as an under 18 shouldn't be in bar!
Because I have faced those fears I have been worrying about things such as murder and pedophilia and today has been the worst in a while.
My new one is i think i am a sick person. I can't remember what age I was about 10-11 (maybe younger or slightly older) so my sister was about 8 and my brother 5 or 6 and I grew up quite late. I remember playing mummies and daddies or some other make-believe game and as my brother was the only boy and i was the oldest girl I would be mum and brother dad and we would pretend to have sex and we would be fully clothed, basically one of us lying on top of the other and then I would have a baby- my sister. This only happened a couple of times. I grew out of it shortly later once i started secondary school. I would think about it in the past 4-5 year and think did i do something wrong and then brush it off saying this was just child play. But now with my anxiety I have panic attacks that I abused my brother and I also have vague memories of being turned on yet i remember not knowing why i felt like that. I can never ever remember touching him in an inappropriate way and we have the best relationship ever he is 18 and i'm 23.
Do you think I was inappropriate here or as i used to believe its all child play .
I have never ever had these thoughts up until now but I then started to think did I sexually abuse my brother at any other point in my life. I wrack my brains for hours and hours and hours and can never remember doing anything like that. Then at work tonight I saw the parent of a friend of my brothers and thought what happens if i abused their daughter. I don't know what to make of these thoughts, would you remember doing something as vile as sexually abusing someone. They are so bad I have thought of suicide. It has completely ruined my life I am meant to go to thailand in 3 weeks and then snowboard for another season and can't be excited about either, I can't ever see myself ever being happy again.
Only sensible and useful answers would be appreciated as I am in a very fragile state at the moment, so much so I have resorted to taking my dad's diazepam and crying all night even at work. Is this my anxiety or my past catching up with me?!
Best wishes to all.