thesleepofreason
02-24-2006, 06:45 AM
hi, new. sorry this post is so long--
so, it seems that i am developing some sort of onslaught of varied agoraphobia.
i have been dealing with a lot of changes in my life over the last few months--changes that have left me UTTERLY depressed and just generally messed up.
i think the best discription is that i am a car-crash of a human being lately.
anyway, i've been seeking treatment for the depression. i am hooked up with a shrink (is that a derrogatory term?) and i have been recently prescribed meds.
during the intake session, we lightly touched on my fear of crowds.
it's been a life-long thing. i am an artist, a loner, INFP personality *i tested 89% introverted--wow*
i've always had a pretty accute fear of...like being in front of a crowd, giving speeches or presentations, and i generally avoid being in large crowds.
i've always considered it more philosophical than phobic--
that is, a large group in public just seems like the loneliest place in the world to me--an ocean of people all acting like they dont notice each other. sad...makes me feel awful to be there.
so i've always generally eschewed being around places like that, and if i have to go, it was usually an in-and-out asap type thing...
well...since i've fallen into this seemingly death-trap of a pit of depression, i have noticed that fear becoming more and more prevalent--so much so that i become a sort of generalized angry at everyone i see--like overtly defensive to the point of actually being OFFENSIVE--
like "what are you looking at?!"
i mean, of course i dont say it, i only think it--
i get really paranoid about why someone would say "hi" or even look at me. i think i have a scowl on all the time.
i realized this last week when i was at the library...
since november i have really avoided going outside...i am in college and i've not been to school in 2 weeks...
mostly i only leave if i have to go to the store. i live alone and NEVER have company...ever.
the reason i am writing this is because i havent left the house since tuesday--i left that day ONLY to get my new medication then came home.
before that--the last time i had left the house was the previous tuesday for my intake session.
i thought at first i was just trying hard to be "in my happy zone"...my haven where i control things.
i noticed that i've become increasingly concerned about coving the windows and keeping light out (if light can come in, then someone could see in, too. i really dont want that.)
i NEVER answer my phone and get really paranoid if i get calls from numbers i dont know....i dont answer but check online with reverse phone search services to see who was calling.
and, finally, tonight really has we wondering what's going on.
after a LONG period of thinking about it, i decided i was hungry for a hamburger. i really really hesitated going out to get one (drive through ONLY of course)...but eventually i thought " you know what? you are sad and miserable. you OWE it to yourself to go get a burger...it'll be a treat."
so i went but the place was close. i decided since i was out, i'd hit walmart to buy stuff i need.
while i was there, i got really flustered and anxious to leave. i hurried very much to my car and sped home.
i had every plan to go to campus to discuss my issues with the health services, but as i drove home so fast from the store, i was like "ok, body, chill out, we're almost home--i promise not to leave again for a long time."
when i was here, i locked up the door tightly and started to relax.
i avoid turning the lights on because i dont want people outside to see the light on through the window. if i have to turn one on, i quickly do what i need then quickly shut it off.
at the store, i got really dizzy and felt lightheaded.
i dont normally have panic attacks...i think i've had just a few and all recently.
so....what the heck's going on with me?? i'm 25 and all this is new to me.
thank you all in advance. sorry for the length.
so, it seems that i am developing some sort of onslaught of varied agoraphobia.
i have been dealing with a lot of changes in my life over the last few months--changes that have left me UTTERLY depressed and just generally messed up.
i think the best discription is that i am a car-crash of a human being lately.
anyway, i've been seeking treatment for the depression. i am hooked up with a shrink (is that a derrogatory term?) and i have been recently prescribed meds.
during the intake session, we lightly touched on my fear of crowds.
it's been a life-long thing. i am an artist, a loner, INFP personality *i tested 89% introverted--wow*
i've always had a pretty accute fear of...like being in front of a crowd, giving speeches or presentations, and i generally avoid being in large crowds.
i've always considered it more philosophical than phobic--
that is, a large group in public just seems like the loneliest place in the world to me--an ocean of people all acting like they dont notice each other. sad...makes me feel awful to be there.
so i've always generally eschewed being around places like that, and if i have to go, it was usually an in-and-out asap type thing...
well...since i've fallen into this seemingly death-trap of a pit of depression, i have noticed that fear becoming more and more prevalent--so much so that i become a sort of generalized angry at everyone i see--like overtly defensive to the point of actually being OFFENSIVE--
like "what are you looking at?!"
i mean, of course i dont say it, i only think it--
i get really paranoid about why someone would say "hi" or even look at me. i think i have a scowl on all the time.
i realized this last week when i was at the library...
since november i have really avoided going outside...i am in college and i've not been to school in 2 weeks...
mostly i only leave if i have to go to the store. i live alone and NEVER have company...ever.
the reason i am writing this is because i havent left the house since tuesday--i left that day ONLY to get my new medication then came home.
before that--the last time i had left the house was the previous tuesday for my intake session.
i thought at first i was just trying hard to be "in my happy zone"...my haven where i control things.
i noticed that i've become increasingly concerned about coving the windows and keeping light out (if light can come in, then someone could see in, too. i really dont want that.)
i NEVER answer my phone and get really paranoid if i get calls from numbers i dont know....i dont answer but check online with reverse phone search services to see who was calling.
and, finally, tonight really has we wondering what's going on.
after a LONG period of thinking about it, i decided i was hungry for a hamburger. i really really hesitated going out to get one (drive through ONLY of course)...but eventually i thought " you know what? you are sad and miserable. you OWE it to yourself to go get a burger...it'll be a treat."
so i went but the place was close. i decided since i was out, i'd hit walmart to buy stuff i need.
while i was there, i got really flustered and anxious to leave. i hurried very much to my car and sped home.
i had every plan to go to campus to discuss my issues with the health services, but as i drove home so fast from the store, i was like "ok, body, chill out, we're almost home--i promise not to leave again for a long time."
when i was here, i locked up the door tightly and started to relax.
i avoid turning the lights on because i dont want people outside to see the light on through the window. if i have to turn one on, i quickly do what i need then quickly shut it off.
at the store, i got really dizzy and felt lightheaded.
i dont normally have panic attacks...i think i've had just a few and all recently.
so....what the heck's going on with me?? i'm 25 and all this is new to me.
thank you all in advance. sorry for the length.