When spouse invites guests against my wishes

[CindyE]

What do you do? I don't even feeling like having people I love come over that often right now! Hubby is very aware of this, and he has mentioned often that he doesn't even like entertaining all that well. However, from time to time, he mentions having holiday dinners here, which freaks me out. I have done them here, but not often. We have the smallest house in the family, and usually his sister has it, because they invite her hubby's family, too. My hubby has his own issues, and I'm about at my wit's end. This weekend at a bike rally campout that I really didn't enjoy much, he (while drinking) invited this heavy-drinking couple and their daughter and niece to come visit and spend the night! Maybe they won't come, I think they caught on that I wasn't excited about it. Hubby was pressuring me about it, in front of them, and saying "c'mon, tell them they have to come visit". That really makes me uncomfortable, and I suggested meeting somewhere for dinner instead. That wasn't good enough, so I finally said "Look, I don't want to make any big drunk plans. Give me a break." He does not get it. I'm feeling pretty upset right now. I think the woman of the couple understands, as she does not like being around her husband when he drinks too much, and has told me she rarely invites guests to their home, too. I am not a big drinker, I enjoy a couple of beers or wine, and don't really like being around drunk people. I usually end up getting stressed and acting like a b!tch. Hubby's occasional binges are all I can handle! How do you deal with this?

[markko]

Hi Cindy,

I know where you're coming from. Have a similar situation myself...

Drinking is their way of coping with low self esteem and social uneasiness. Heavy drinkers tend to like to hang around other heavy drinkers as it justifies their actions. The other half will always be made out to be the "unreasonable" and "antisocial" one to divert attention from the real situation.

Basically no one but the problem drinker can help them with this and they have to be ready to deal with it in their own time. In some cases that is never. The only way to help them is to stop taking responsibility for their actions. It's difficult to not be embarrased by it but that is effectively what you have to do.

I sympathise with you completely. It's a nightmare. Start looking after yourself. I have and things gets better.

Good luck,
Markko

[CindyE]

Thanks! Turns out I worried for nothing, at least for now. They never did come. We recently became friends with another couple, and then they started wanting to encourage too much partying too! I was kinda rude last time they were around, maybe it worked, they haven't been back! Pissed me off, as the wife and I had some long serious talks, and had gone walking and shopping together. She knew the situation. Sometimes it just doesn't seem worth it to have friends. I only know of one good friend right now, that we can trust, and does not encourage drinking. Hubby is laid off right now, but so far he has behaved pretty good. He knows he has problems with alcohol, and we talk about it, but I don't know if he will ever totally quit, or get help.
I really thought my anxiety was getting better, but now I worry so much, about stupid things. I don't know, i guess it's just a stressful time of year.
Take care!