my struggle...

[cosma05]

Hi all,

Another newb here. here's my story:

26 Years old, living in Toronto, Canada.

I've always been a worry hog. It's almost as if it runs in my gene pool. My mom takes anxiety medication occasionally. Luckily, her anxiety was mostly all attributed to her job, which she has now left.

As for me, It's sort of like a double whammy. I suffer from OCD and anxiety. However, it didn't become a problem until early May. I've been dealing with stresses that involved the significant other and the fighting got so bad that I think it was the underlying problem of triggering my attacks. Even though that was dealt with, something didn't feel right..I just felt anxious and I didn't know what caused it. Eventually, days and weeks went by and it got worse. I stopped going to the gym and I felt very irritable. I didn't want to me around anyone. Work was hell, especially trying to mask it...eating and sleeping took a huge hit too...I turned into someone else, it was unbearable.

Then,

I had a diabetes scare after taking a physical... The results weren't accurate because I didn't fast. I was only calm after repeating the test. During the time that I was called in to take the test, my anxiety was through the roof! I couldn't get my mind off the fact that I may have diabetes..It consumed me. A lot of it has to do with the fact that my thoughts are severely irrational. I have a bad thought and it festers and doesn't leave until i distract myself.

I've been on Cipralex (lexapro) since early may. I am very happy with the results, I feel like I am able to live my life. It's hard to decipher whether it's actually the medication or me getting better with dealing with my anxiety and OCD.

I find my mind wandering...scanning for thoughts that make me anxious. Typically, these thoughts are bizarre and completely irrational. I know these thoughts are irrational but it's still not enough to end my anxiety. I tend to worry a lot about my health... I learned to stop googling every little sensation my body feels, it will only end up in causing my anxiety.

This all came out of no where... I was living the life and then BOOM - stricken with anxiety out of no where and i long for the days where it wasn't present. I've always had OCD but it never led to anxiety...maybe it was just a matter of time perhaps. One thing positive has come from all this, I realized that I am stronger than I thought and I can overcome my anxiety, paranoia's and fears...

of course, it doesn't happen over night.

I sometimes question, "why don't other people get anxious, and think irrational". It amazes me, it's almost like they live life without a worry, yet here I am...panicking over the irrational thought of "what if I forget how to breath"...which, I know...is impossible.

I'm on the road to recovery. But I run into the problem of going places. I tend to avoid places thinking "what if I get anxiety". So, when I don't have anxiety, i think about when i'm going to get it... makes me wonder, why can't my mind just be at ease? But I guess that's all part of having this problem and all too normal.

So that's me in a nutshell...

[dtrotter]

Hey!

Dont worry, it is good you know your problem now. At least you can fix it. One day for sure you will be well again :) Rant your thoughts here whenever you are frustrated.

[doingmybest]

I completely understand where you are coming from. I feel like mine comes out of no where too. Sometimes I look around, or when I spend time with friends, I wonder why no one else feels this way too. It is so hard.

But the good news is, you recognise this and I guess that is the first step. Hang in there. There will be good days and bad days, but please know that you aren't the only one. And it can get better.

[Charlene]

Hello Cosma05,

I'm from Canada too and live just outside of Toronto.

I bet you're pretty darn good at hiding your anxiety symptoms from the outside world. When you're out socializing, feeling your body screaming out loud at you, you appear to others to be in complete control. Did you ever stop and think that there might be one or two others out there in the group, drowning in their fears just as you are? Granted, not everyone has this disorder but there are many others who suffer from it and they have learned to hide it just as you have.

Believe that this disorder can be overcome by choosing different thoughts. That doesn't just mean you can say "I choose not to feel this way anymore" and then be done with it. It means you need to reprogram your brain, which can take some time, and teach it to not be fearful of your body symptoms.

Choosing all comes down to making the decision that you want to feel good again. When you teach yourself to become very aware of your thoughts, you can stop the negative chatter and rephrase it with more rational and more calming thoughts.

You got this way, seemingly out of the blue, just "whammo" you were struck with anxiety. But that's not how your brain sees it. Little by little, thought by thought, experience by experience, your brain was weighing out and making comparisons, wiring itself, circuits being fired, literally forming new synaptic connections to suit your scary thoughts. After some time these continuous thoughts were making those new pathways more and more travelled, a path you can't seem to get off of. They have become your main way of thinking, whether you're aware of it or not. And now, presto, it appears as though this disorder popped out of nowhere.

But the good news is that your brain is capable of making new connections at any time. You need to stop thinking those habitual thoughts of "What's that pain in my side? It's cancer, isn't it?" You need to stop listening to those false alarms. The brain makes new connections all the time and is capable of severing those not so frequently travelled.

The brain doesn't seem to care whether it's a wanted choice or an unwanted choice. All it recognizes is you focusing on the same sort of emotional upsets. So in turn, it gives you that choice. You focus on the fears, it gives you more fears to focus on.

Choice is marvelous. We all have the capacity to choose our thoughts. Most of the time, we're just not aware of this power we have.

[cosma05]

Charlene,

you don't know how comforting it was to read that.

THANK YOU!!!

[kwmwriter]

Hey,

I'm from the Toronto area too... and I'm feeling the same way... right down to the diabetes scare.

Reading Charlene's post gives me some hope.

It's great having this network and being able to share some experiences.

[cosma05]

That Charlene is inspirational isn't she!

Hang in there kwm, I've been doing awesome lately compared to how I was in may...I'm getting better at controlling my thoughts and rationalizing. I have no doubt in my mind that I will get rid of it. At the same time, I want to be able to not let it consume me and deal with it properly when I do feel anxious. Especially since living life without any anxiety at some point is pretty much impossible.