soshy
02-09-2006, 01:12 PM
I have a history of ulcers…since a kid. Anxiety/fear when it comes it hits me in the stomach. Knots up and keeps contracting. I've been sick for about a week...I don't even know anymore. I keep drinking Maalox and chewing Tums. No health insurance, no money. I don't make a good patient. When I'm sick, I get scared/phobic. I usually can control the ulcers, but with my situation I have little resources. I can just see myself in the er. I don't do er. I hate er. As a social phobic, I have to be in control of my atmosphere so I can leave if I start to panic. I'm afraid if I do end up in the er I'll panic so badly I'll end up in a psych-ward (my family's dream).
I moved in with a sibling after my life spiraled down. I knew my sibling drank. I thought some on the weekends and at gatherings. I don't drink - makes my anxiety worse. I'm the only one in the family that does not drink - they think I'm weird.
The only positive outcome of social phobia for me has been keeping my distance from possible problems. I can't handle people who drink often or especially if they do drugs - scares the jeepers out of me.
I keep secrets. If someone tells me something, I never repeat if they request. I keep things secret even if it's nothing. Being mute about situations did ruin the life I worked so hard for; a normal life without social phobia and all the panic along with it. I had made it! I still had some anxiety, but I told myself everyone has anxiety so in comparison to how I was before, little bits of anxiety here and there never escalated because I felt like a had won millions of dollars by not being subjected to the torture and cruelty of social phobia....a little shyness is ok.
The person I chose to spend the rest of my life with changed. I kept quiet. He became a person I would never associate with; or, a person you hear about and say to yourself, "Why the heck is she with that guy? She must be nuts to stay in that situation. She should have stopped seeing him after the first date"! I was with him 7.5 yrs. The last two years were a nightmare. He cut off all our friends. I had to stop all communication with loved ones. He was a monster that showed no red flags in the first five years. He was well liked by colleagues and friends. He was so charming and kind. I don't know how or why this happened and I was there. I told no one. I had to start lying to keep my situation a secret - because those were the rules. There was no way out. Calling the police was out of the question - that was rule number one - because he was finishing his residency and any negative indicator would ruin him. His perceived reputation was all that mattered. We worked at the same medical facility and kept our relationship a secret also. I was breaking. I was breaking inside. I was panicking at every noise, or what was going to happen when he came home. I had to quit my job because mentally(panic attacks) and physically I couldn't go in and I had physical marks that were too hard to hide or excuse without becoming an issue. Nowhere to hide/run....I had given him access to all of my assets and moneys....my car, checking account, savings account, my credit cards. I had been supporting him with all of his bills anyways. We were to be married and I thought (before he changed) marriage is a personal arrangement but also a business arrangement. About six months after handing over the control of my financial life to him, he started changing. I asked him if something was bothering him because he seemed so different....quiet. We stopped going out. The laughter stopped. Soon after, the nightmare began. I kept quiet. The panic was so bad...I didn't understand....did I do something?....How could this be happening? What was happening? Why did I not see this coming. What was coming? What was he planning? How long will this last? What are people thinking? I miss my loved ones...I need someone to help me, but they will get hurt if I speak. I am now a disgusting mute. All my work to escape social phobia, all those years afraid for my face to be seen but had conquered SA and liberated a form of natural/functional normalcy, all of it annihilated. What would have happened it I did call for help? That question still scares me. He would have done anything to keep his reputation polished - I still believe that. The neighbors heard him screaming at me and things breaking. They hadn't seen me for weeks, but knew I was in the house ( I wasn't allowed to leave the house). They called the police. I was so scared. I wouldn't file any reports. I lied and said I fell down the stairs. He doesn't know where I am. I pray he will not contact nor find me.
Now - living with my sibling. I love him. I worry about him. I didn't know he drank this much. Another secret. It is so crazy in this house. There is no abuse here. It's just a dead end. I have a roof over my head but nothing else. Food, clothing, transportation is null. I hate drunks. I had no idea it was this bad. The rest of the family has no idea but they drink too: how much? I guess I don’t know that either!. Everyday drinking and a lot. Passing out. Memory loss. I have no idea how he gets up for work – he does go to bed around eight pm, wakes around six-thirty am…maybe that keeps him going. Plus I do all the house work which he complains about - I don't know why..is it too clean?. His house has never been so clean and organized. He yells and argues about ridiculous things – crazy, crazy, crazy! I have to keep my jaw from not dropping when I look at him. I did have a choice to go to a safe house, but I really thought this was better and he wanted me to come. Wrong again?
I’ve always enjoyed babysitting and helping out with his kids. Well, at least the kids like having me here. They know their Auntie loves them and won’t pass out on top of them!
But, remember this is a secret. Oh, my stomach.
I moved in with a sibling after my life spiraled down. I knew my sibling drank. I thought some on the weekends and at gatherings. I don't drink - makes my anxiety worse. I'm the only one in the family that does not drink - they think I'm weird.
The only positive outcome of social phobia for me has been keeping my distance from possible problems. I can't handle people who drink often or especially if they do drugs - scares the jeepers out of me.
I keep secrets. If someone tells me something, I never repeat if they request. I keep things secret even if it's nothing. Being mute about situations did ruin the life I worked so hard for; a normal life without social phobia and all the panic along with it. I had made it! I still had some anxiety, but I told myself everyone has anxiety so in comparison to how I was before, little bits of anxiety here and there never escalated because I felt like a had won millions of dollars by not being subjected to the torture and cruelty of social phobia....a little shyness is ok.
The person I chose to spend the rest of my life with changed. I kept quiet. He became a person I would never associate with; or, a person you hear about and say to yourself, "Why the heck is she with that guy? She must be nuts to stay in that situation. She should have stopped seeing him after the first date"! I was with him 7.5 yrs. The last two years were a nightmare. He cut off all our friends. I had to stop all communication with loved ones. He was a monster that showed no red flags in the first five years. He was well liked by colleagues and friends. He was so charming and kind. I don't know how or why this happened and I was there. I told no one. I had to start lying to keep my situation a secret - because those were the rules. There was no way out. Calling the police was out of the question - that was rule number one - because he was finishing his residency and any negative indicator would ruin him. His perceived reputation was all that mattered. We worked at the same medical facility and kept our relationship a secret also. I was breaking. I was breaking inside. I was panicking at every noise, or what was going to happen when he came home. I had to quit my job because mentally(panic attacks) and physically I couldn't go in and I had physical marks that were too hard to hide or excuse without becoming an issue. Nowhere to hide/run....I had given him access to all of my assets and moneys....my car, checking account, savings account, my credit cards. I had been supporting him with all of his bills anyways. We were to be married and I thought (before he changed) marriage is a personal arrangement but also a business arrangement. About six months after handing over the control of my financial life to him, he started changing. I asked him if something was bothering him because he seemed so different....quiet. We stopped going out. The laughter stopped. Soon after, the nightmare began. I kept quiet. The panic was so bad...I didn't understand....did I do something?....How could this be happening? What was happening? Why did I not see this coming. What was coming? What was he planning? How long will this last? What are people thinking? I miss my loved ones...I need someone to help me, but they will get hurt if I speak. I am now a disgusting mute. All my work to escape social phobia, all those years afraid for my face to be seen but had conquered SA and liberated a form of natural/functional normalcy, all of it annihilated. What would have happened it I did call for help? That question still scares me. He would have done anything to keep his reputation polished - I still believe that. The neighbors heard him screaming at me and things breaking. They hadn't seen me for weeks, but knew I was in the house ( I wasn't allowed to leave the house). They called the police. I was so scared. I wouldn't file any reports. I lied and said I fell down the stairs. He doesn't know where I am. I pray he will not contact nor find me.
Now - living with my sibling. I love him. I worry about him. I didn't know he drank this much. Another secret. It is so crazy in this house. There is no abuse here. It's just a dead end. I have a roof over my head but nothing else. Food, clothing, transportation is null. I hate drunks. I had no idea it was this bad. The rest of the family has no idea but they drink too: how much? I guess I don’t know that either!. Everyday drinking and a lot. Passing out. Memory loss. I have no idea how he gets up for work – he does go to bed around eight pm, wakes around six-thirty am…maybe that keeps him going. Plus I do all the house work which he complains about - I don't know why..is it too clean?. His house has never been so clean and organized. He yells and argues about ridiculous things – crazy, crazy, crazy! I have to keep my jaw from not dropping when I look at him. I did have a choice to go to a safe house, but I really thought this was better and he wanted me to come. Wrong again?
I’ve always enjoyed babysitting and helping out with his kids. Well, at least the kids like having me here. They know their Auntie loves them and won’t pass out on top of them!
But, remember this is a secret. Oh, my stomach.