Anxiety with girlfriend, help wanted

[Pieturli]

Ok first of all I do not have a diagnosed anxiety disorder. I have symptoms of pretty much all of them (panic attacks, the obsessive thoughts of OCD, general worrying of GAD) but they are not chronic enough to be considered disorders. Anyways I suddenly have a crippling fear that I would somehow want to dump my girlfriend. It started with me suddenly feeling like going to hang out with my friends and somehow it got blown out of proportion.

I'd like to ask you guys if you think its possible that anxiety causes a sudden fear of losing interest in a relationship. And by crippling fear, I mean CRIPPLING FEAR. I seriously feel like crying from just the thought of ending the relationship

[luvmirage]

I think that maybe you have been spending too much time with your significant other, just from the sound of wanting to hang out with your friends. you stated it as if it does not happen very often. if this is the case, then once you experienced how much fun it is to be with your friends then maybe it is making your relationship appear to seem closed in? the more you think about something like that then the more you will feel the need to leave. i do not believe its anxiety, i just feel that your not used to this feeling and are not sure how to deal with it. do you really love this girl? what are you truley afraid of? being alone?

[Pieturli]

yes I'm sure I love her. And I really dont know what I'm afraid of. It's just the thought of ending the relationship feels so bad. I dont want this to end, and the irrationality of all these fears made me think it's my anxiety acting up. I certainly feel anxious enough, but I'm wondering whether this whole freakout is caused by anxiety or just made worse by it. I do hang out with my friends a bunch. Me and my girl actualyl had a fight about a week back, partially about her not wanting to hang with my friends, though she later made it clear that she was overreacting due to her birth control pills and menstruation. I was basically just suddenly hit by powerful fears about the validity of our relationship. You know, I started wondering whether I actually wanted to be with her. It seems feasible that this is a normal part of life, but my anxiety just made it blow up. I certainly hope so, as I do not want this thing to end.

[brittypixi]

I actually do believe its anxiety as I have gone through a similar situation, just as MANY other people on this forum have. People have doubts, but anxiety can blow it WAY out of proportion. Yes its POSSIBLE that you don't want to be with her, but tell me this. If you love her, and your sure of that and you don't want this thing to end then how could you not wanting to be with her be true?

[doonbuggy]

The common misperceptions abobut love is that it's perfect, nothing can destroy it and if you're in love it's that happily ever after story you always hear. Then comes anxiety and what seems like Snow White turns into Alice In Wonderland.

I can completely understand the situation you're in, and I'm a year down the line from you.. And guess what I'm still with my girlfriend. :D And guess what? God damn yes I love her, and no anxiety or ROCD going to convince me otherwise.

It makes it even more difficult knowing that there's someone else involved... The thought's that you could be in denial will probably often stem up. But it's about knowing the truth, it's a defence mechanism from your body at what seems to be something you fear. If you love someone very much then the possibility of losing them will certainly be a fear, thus one day you think about it maybe, see something on TV, had an argument with them and suddenly out of nowhere your hearts racing faster than roadrunner on speed.

The trick accepting it... and thats the way to fight it. If you fight it full on its a battle you're never going to win. My advice is everytime it enters your head "I don't love my girlfriend", "Did I just look at her and think she's ugly?", "I don't like being with her anymore", just shrug your shoulders and say, "that's cool, because all it is is irrational thoughts stemmed from my anxiety." It takes time, it takes practise. DO NOT sink into failure if you get it wrong once. Man I've got it wrong about a thousand times, and I still do a bit. But I'm 99% there... And with even more time I will be there. :)

Just keep going mate, do not give up. Because it's one decision I don't wanwt you to regret in years to come just because of anxiety.

And Remember... Love isn't perfect. Love is loving the imperfections.

Take care. :D

[brittypixi]

Thank you doonbuggy! You have always posted very nice replies that are always VERY helpful! What is ROCD though??

[doonbuggy]

ROCD stands for Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

To help I've dragged a direct quote from a website which explains it very well.


In Relationship OCD, it is common for sufferers to repeatedly question whether their current partner is really the right person for them, and whether they actually love their partner or not. Most people are well aware of the fact that no relationship is without its flaws and bad points, but sufferers of Relationship OCD are often unable to recognise this.

This can lead sufferers to believe that they cannot be truly in love with their partner. In other cases, they can also think that they are somehow too 'flawed' to love another person. Either way, Relationship OCD will often result in temporary or permanent break-ups, and sufferers will often throw away relationships that are perfectly adequate because they feel that their feelings for their partner are not how they should be. This tends to put huge strain on the relationship, which sufferers may also use as a 'sign' that the relationship is failing or has already failed.

If sufferers go on to end the relationship, they will often have no real idea as to why they are doing so (other than the fact that their feelings are not 'right'), and cannot give a good enough reason if pressed.

Even if sufferers know deep down that they do love their partner, they will frequently check with themselves that this is still real. The constant doubts eat away at the sufferer and are often mentally exhausting - as is the case with most OCD symptoms.



Hope that helps. :)

[Pieturli]

This has certainly dulled my anxiety a bit. I was in a very similar situation with my friends a few years back. I know it sounds very bizarre but I moved to the states, and was planning to move back and suddenly got these horrifying fears that me and my friends would suddenly be distanced beyond repair. Me and my friends are super close, so this might be the reason for it. sounds weird huh:D? sounds weird to me too

Anyways I think I'm pretty much getting over this ROCD thing or whatever it's called. I mean, I only recently worried a lot about me hanging with her too much, and I felt that maybe I was neglecting my friends because of it. One problem remains: it seems that anxiety breeds anxiety. Because of my constant doubting and checking for signs of "how good we are doing", it sometimes is quite unpleasant being with my girlfriend. does that make sense? basically because of the constant anxious thoughts I have over her it becomes magnified when I hang out with her. Hopefully this whole thing subsides, and thanks doonbuggy, you really helped out:)

[doonbuggy]

I can fully understand where your coming from, and I think spending time doing other things that you want to do will help. You dont want to consume yourself into your relationship, its not healthy and certainly will not help your anxiety.

Anxiety has helped me a better person, and made me realise this. Me and my girlfriend have now blossomed, and we give eachother time and space to do other stuff. Ands its true what they say, absense makes the heart grow fonder. :)

Anxiety leading to anxiety is what is commonly known as fear of the fear. When you are with your girlfriend you think that you will start to get anxious so then when you are there you do become anxious, a kind of self fulfilling prophecy. This leads to the assumption everytime your with your girlfriend youre going to be down. Thats just anxiety playing its little game, and what you need to do is break this cycle.

Just because it involves love doesnt make it any different form any other anxiety. You need to divert your attention away from your irrational thoughts as soon as one enters your head. It maybe difficult at first, but when you start following through it will work.

I hope I have helped, if you need any advice please dont hesitate to ask.

Take care :)

[Pieturli]

Now I know this sounds like pointless repetition, but I still need a bit of clarity. Can my OCD actually cause me to not want to hang out with her? The ROCD thing started again a few days ago and I sort of feel like I dont want to spend time with, though I think this might be because the ocd is causing me to worry so much that being with her becomes stressful. Any thoughts anyone?


Also, just because I have these feelings of not wanting to be with her does not mean that this isnt really distressing. I had the exact same feeling before.

[doonbuggy]

The difference between real thoughts and ROCD thoughts is all about desire. If you know that you love her and that you want to be with her then this sounds to me like ROCD, it's a constant battle in the mind between what you want and the ROCD.

If its meant to be then you will fight, and no matter how bad it gets you'll pull yourself back together. It depends if you have the desire to fight.

Last week I had a really bad patch with it all. I had a stressful week what with it being examination period and I allowed the thoughts to dominate. I felt so down, but I had the desre to carry on, that I love my beautiful young lady so much, and Im not going to take any crap thats thrown at me.

Theres a difference between knowing that you love someone to fight for it, and just knowing its all coming to an end. If you really want her, there'll be ssomething inside you telling to keep fighting.

Take care.

[Pieturli]

thanks a million again doonbuggy, that helped:D