I cant take it anymore, please help me! :(

[Milla]

hi,

my name is Milla, im 24, im from peru and suffer from Anxiety disorder since i was 6.
My mother suffer from anxiety and depression and as a child i had no support. My father was never there because they broke up when mum was pregnant, and mum was aways sick. My familly never held together at all!
I was always a very anxious child and always thought something horrible was about to happen, i had many panic attacks etc...
When i was a teenager somehow i got better (i always been a bit anxious) but didnd disturbed my life. When i was 19 i moved to germany and there i really felt like home, i worked, had places to go etc... then i met my husband, he's british and two weeks ago we got married. There is were my anxiety started again!
I fear something is wrong in my marriage, i dont know how to make this feeling go away. I always have a next thing to worrie about and never realx. the feeling something is wrong with my marriage, something horrible will happen, I will lose my husband because something must be wrong!
I have problems with a certain number and because we got married on that day, i think my marriage was wrong, and that will go wrong at some point! I cant sleep because i awalys have nightmares about something bad happening, i cant eat because im all the time anxious and i concentrate this in my stomach. Im so skinny now that you can acctualy see the bones showing. Im very sad. Is really annoing :(
Since I was a child i never wanted to be alone, and now i love and depend so much on my husband that i fear all the time to lose him and have to stay in a hell and probably comit suicide, so i think all the time that i will lose him, and i have to comit suicide! So i cant live my life anymore, all the time Im think about this 2 things, and im going crazy, complelty! Im 24hrs anxious, i dont have any patience to do anything, i dont know anybody in the here and the psychiatrist told me i have to control my mind because the med he give to me was just for short period and i sohuldnt take anymore. I feel that i have no support, i feel that im already dead! Im crying now because i dont know anymore what to do! even if everybody say things are fine, this make no sense for me, coz they are wrong! so I keep living every single day nervous! 3 months ago i was sure i had cancer and would die soon, than aids, than brain tumor! My OCD is back, and i feel depressed :( I dont know what to do! Please help!

I need some support because i dont think i can take this anymore, and i fear that my husband will be the one to get tired because im really a boring and annoying person :(


Please help me! please help me! please help me!



PS: does anyboy here live around northamptonshire, or leicestershire? I really would like to talk to people.

[Milla]

Sorry, one more thing.

I also fear the houses and the weather in britain! I cant go out, because it makes me feel scared, so i stay the all day alone in the apartment looking to this computer screen! I never met someone the fears houses or countries :(

[Topcat]

Hello Milla

Im sorry you are having such a bad time at the moment, I can really understand your anxieties about everything as I have had the same anxieties and worries myself.

I started having panic attacks when I was 4, my parents broke up and I found it really hard growing up and think that is why I am so insecure now, which is probably similar to yourself.

It is a shame that getting married as triggered your fears as the security of being with someone should make you feel safer but I can understand your fears, I find it very hard to get really close to people as I am scared that I wll lose them, so I always think that if I keep my distance and not let my true feelings show then I wont get hurt so much, but obviously that still doesnt stop my feelings taking over bouts of anxiety/panic about life (especially dying and illness) so you are really not alone in your thoughts.

I think you should explain to your husband how bad you are feeling, he obviously loves you and I am sure he will want to help you to feel better. You need to see a doctor and ask to be treated for your OCD, I also have OCD and depending on what I am doing have some good days some bad. Years ago I used to be quite agoraphobic and never went anywhere but now I find I feel my best believe it or not when i am at work, my mind is occupied and I dont have time to worry about what might happen or what I might die from!!

Unfortunately I live near London otherwise I would try an help you more, try to go out each day even if its only a short distance, to a local shop or something and if you can, please seek some professional help :)

[Milla]

Hi Topcat,

thank you sooooo much for answering me :)


I also think is a shame that im like this, i fear everything in life, and wen i think that something will go wrong, im always completly sure about it and nobody can change my mind :( if i see something is wrong, i aways think that there is no goo solution, and thats it!
since i was 13 i belve i will have a brain tumor, and even when everybody says it can happen or just not happpen, i belive for sure that will, im just waiting :(
My husband try to help me, but i think he dont know anymore how. I dindnt want to keep taking realx medicine to dont go crazy, i want to get better without this crap! i fear to keep taking Valium and never be able to control myself with ut it. I feel really so bad, the think i did in life haunt me, like monsters and i people people will punish me, i fear i will die in a horrible way, and i fear not haveing my husband. I also fear going crazy and being like my mum forever :(

You live in london, i could maybe one day meet you? i was there last weeek just to walk arund trying t relax, and of course didind work!



thanks again for the answer
Milla ;)

[Topcat]

Hiya

I know its difficult listening to people when they say everything will be ok as how do they know, right? Well how can you be so sure that it wont be? ;)

You are right to try an not take medication as that isnt always the answer, have you tried any other ways of trying to relax? Less caffeine, less sugar, more sleep etc.

Rescue Remedy can be very good, and also reading books on the subject has always helped me, there are some fantastic books available that make you realise that your feelings are not unique and that you are not mad

:)

[Emerald]

Hi there,

I actually live in Northampton and came on here looking for help, as I am at the end of my tether... I started feeling depressed then went on paroxetine which gave me major panic attacks. I then went onto mirtazapine which is not helping , been on 30mg now for about 6 weeks. I have to take valium etc too. I actually have a phobia about my house and my partner i can not sit still and feel panicy all the time tot he point i actually pass out. For 3 yrs i have loved my partner more than anything and now can't seem to be with him on my own in the house or can't be in my house on my own. It's ruining my life - can anyone help???
I have seen a phyciatrist on NHS but she was usless i am now seeing a private one and going to contact MIND that may help you - we cld go together

[Emerald]

Hi there,

I just thought i wld let you know that I have been attending Mind in northampton... and it is helping me... why don't you come along with me, i can meet you somewhere and we cld go into together.

[Milla]

hi, Esmereald, i was on mind keterring and they gave me a appontment to 07.05.09 to go there for an interview. :/
what i do till there, i dont know. seems to be very complicated to become a memeber. Anyway i was there yesesterday for "cafe hour" from 11 to 13:00 in the afternoon. I felt nobody wanted to talk to me, so i went out and walked like a zoombie for 5 hurs around kettering.

I think is crap that im under "lorazepam" the doctor gave to me because he said that dont know how to to o help me, but that this is a huge mistake, lorazepam shoud be a short term mecidine.

I was about to lose my mind or commite sucide, that's why im takeing lorazepam, every day and night. was the unic way to sleep again after months of going crazy i can sleep again, but i dont feel like im mysel. I feel like my consious is in this body, but the are not connected togeter. Its a craZY SENSATION, i feel relax and i just dont care about the important this,i got a bit retarded. I wake up, choose a town to go and spent the rest of the day looking at the people passing. I like. without this medicine im literaly crazy, cant sleep, eat, talk, just think about hell. With the medicine i feel aways, i just dont care about a thing, is just walking, the sounds htere almost no time in the universe, i like to be under this drug it makes me stop for a while.
my husband was reading everything about lorazepam,, and said he can not alout me to make a this a long term treatment, he sais is dangerous and never you can get way. This scares me, but the my mind puted me into a hell! so is better to be adcted to somethnig that help.
I dont know any other medicine that help me no to be anxious ALL the time, lesss PARANOID about my future, and if possible that dont make feel depressive. (seems that some medicine for anxiety make me depressed).

is there longterm treatment for anxiety with meds?

else i will go down on lorazepam forever!
better the go crazy all the, you guys can imagine how bad this is.



thank you so much for using you time to try to help me :)



PS: Esmerald, dont you want to send your tel mumber per PM, so we can meet and do something together :D

[Emerald]

Mind in northampton are good...

come there with me on monday - i will meet you outside.

let me know i think i need to be there at 11am on monday..

let me know xx

[Emerald]

i am free tomorrow until 4pm ish - do u want to meet somewhere in town, we cld have a chat and help each other as i really want to help you get through this.

northampton mind saw me within days and were gr8 , use them in future.

xxx

[Milla]

hi esmerald :)

i will be in germany for a while, when im back i cotact you so we can meet the ok?

i send you PM :)


thank you soooo much for beeing so nice to me.

milla

[Emerald]

OK take care be strong and we will sort something out when you are back,,,

xxx :D