Severe Anxiety related to Boyfriend

[Lazysquirrel]

Hello all,

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for about 8 months now. I am 19 and he is 21. He is my first serious boyfriend and we really love each other. I do get very anxious and all of the time it has to do with him. For example, if he says he's going to call and doesn't call at that exact time I start freaking out and crying uncontrollably. It usually doesn't stop until he calls. Or if he doesn't answer the phone. Even if I know he's at work or probably in the shower I still get anxious. I tell myself that I'm being irrational and to an extent I know that. However, that doesn't stop me from crying. If he says the littlest thing I take offense and believe he doesn't love me anymore. He doesn't even mean anything by it and any normal person would think nothing of it. I have to think about each thing he says and interpret it which is most often the wrong interpretation. There is a million other things I can think of but I think you get the point. I take Paxil for social anxiety but am switching to Zoloft to help my OCD. I am also about to see a therapist. I was wondering if any of you feel or had felt the same way as I do. If so, how did you get help? Thanks much

[Fudge]

Hi Lazysquirrel, I'm sorry to hear about your predicament. I too have social anxiety, a bit of OCD and a whopping dose of perfectionism. For myself, I don't take anything, but I do try to find ways to mentally cope when my thoughts and behaviours get out of hand.

One relationship I've had is similar to yours. When I was 23 I had my first very serious one, where I was beginning to get anxious at about the 6 month mark. It seemed like the closer we got the worse I would feel if we were a part. For example, if we didn't talk on the phone after some time or see each other, I would start to pull inward and assume that there was some sort of problem. Most of the time I assumed it was with me, so I would get very upset until the next time I saw or talked to her. At the time I really didn't know what was happening and it wasn't until I got into another relationship that I began to see the problem for what it was. It was only after this that I managed to find a way to cope with it, where now I'm able to hold a healthy relationship for as long as its intended to last.

If I can suggest something, the next time you have your intense feelings try not to think about your thoughts being irrational as this is going to make you feel worse. Try, instead, a way to cope with the thoughts and emotions directly. One thing which helps me is to do an exercise which loosens my grip with my partner long enough so I can deal with my feelings in a better way. You may think this seems obvious, but I basically start by reflecting on my partner which puts them more in perspective of reality. I try to see them for what they really are: Human. I compare my feelings and notions I have for them with how I feel about friends and even family. Sometimes what I'll do is even compare their relationship with their family (how their family sees them) with my relationship with my family (how my family sees me). I do all this to gain some healthy perspective as a lot of the times we forget the simple fact that they're just like everyone else and ultimately human. Remember, everyone is important to someone else, so we're all basically the same when you boil it down. As the songwriter Sting sings: "If you love somebody set them free". This exercise basically allows this to happen because it keeps us from attempting to use others to fill our voids and make us feel happy (which is an impossibility). You'll find that you'll feel a lot more at ease and more secure in your relationship, especially when you have time away from them.

Anyways, hopefully I explained all this clearly enough that it makes sense. It is something that has helped me tremendously to the point where I've been in my longest relationship yet.

If you have any questions, give me a pm!

[oceanney]

Hi,

a lot of the emotions you experiencing are fairly "normal" for a new relationship at your age but are probably a bit "enhanced" because of your tendancy towards anxiety.

What bugs me the most though is that it seems that you are taking medication while not seeing a therapist. What's up with that? Who subscribed the meds? Your general practitioner?