Feeling Awful About Myself

[gman]

I feel so awful all the time … I suffer from depression and social phobia, and lately it seems to be getting worse. I have been isolating myself from everyone I know for a while now because I feel so self-conscious about everything, but lately I have been so depressed and lonely. I am tired of living like this, but I have no energy and no enthusiasm for anything anymore it seems. I was married for over eight years but my wife left me a couple of years ago, a lot of it had to do with my emotional distance …. ever since then I have been going straight downhill. I have lost some good friends because of this anxiety / personality disorder. It is like I want to be alone but at the same time I am lonely …. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone though so I just keep to myself. I turn off my phone and just watch TV and movies and surf the web all day. The anxiety is just building inside and I just don’t want to be all alone anymore. I have been on Lexapro for a while now but it doesn’t seem to be helping much …. granted, if I don’t take it I feel even worse but it doesn’t seem to be really helping the depression or anxiety much. I am just pushing everyone away because it seems like I just don’t feel comfortable around people anymore. I just don’t know what to do with myself anymore. Thank God my dog is still here.

[quallagirl]

I feel like avoiding people as well. I am scared of getting close to people from fear of being rejected. I hate small talk but it seems like I always have a magnet on my head for some people to just start yappin. Of coarse I talk back because I don't want to be rude.

My anxiety is causing me to be like this which eventually leads to depression because I feel alone and like no one understands me. Heck, I feel like this is also holding me back from getting a job I have experience in. Now I feel like a failure. You are not alone when it comes to going through this.

[gman]

I also find that it is very difficult for me to engage in small talk with people. I am so quiet these days that I am afraid I come off as arrogant, which is the farthest thing from the truth. I'm just terrified of opening my mouth and saying the wrong thing.

My anxiety problems hurt me at my job, too. If I have a meeting or conf call at work, I get so stressed out the night before. I build it up in my mind so much, and the funny thing is that it never ends up being as bad as I think it is going to be. But I continue with these self-destructive thought patterns. It's like I am setting myself up to fail. It's hard for me to concentrate and I find myself losing track of what I'm working on, or unable to mentally engage myself with my work.

What you say about feeling as if no one understands .... that sums it up. I'm afraid to tell anyone how I really feel because I don't want them to think I'm "crazy" or lose confidence in me. So I go through every day putting on a mask for the rest of the world while I am dying on the inside.

[quallagirl]

Have you tried getting therapy? I was for a while and it seemed to have bost up my self-esteem. Also, a support group may help. At least you are surrounded by people like yourself.

Tonya

[gman]

I go to see my psych once a month, but all he ever seems to want to discuss is "are the meds working?". To tell you the truth I can't really tell. I do know that I feel even worse without them (to the point of not being able to function), so I guess they are doing something. But they don't seem to be solving the problem. Of course I know they are not a magic bullet.

I don't believe that meds alone are going to do it for me. But I don't want to have to leave work to go to doctor appts all the time either. i wish there was a way I could go in the evenings or on the weekends, but I know most docs don't work those hours.

I think it would take me a while to open up in therapy. I did have a good thing going with my previous psych, but then he retired. I just know that something has to change, and soon.

[quallagirl]

The psyc that I take my son to is avaliable during the weekends. Maybe you should shop around to see if you can find one that will. After all, you don't seem to be happy with the one you are currently seeing.

Tonya

[dtrotter]

You just have to get yourself out to the society again. You are over thinking by isolating yourself in the room. This will only get things worse. I suggest you see a counselour or a psyhologist. try to avoid the medicaiton at all cost.

[gman]

I really appreciate all of the input from everyone. I agree that I need to get out into the world again, but it's just so much easier said than done. I have no self confidence and don't feel like I have any interesting contribution to make to a conversation, etc. It doesn't seem to take anything to stress me out anymore. I graduated from college Magna Cum Laude with a degree in Information Technology and now I feel like I can barely even handle the stress from my job, which isn't even all that intense. I am constantly afraid that I am going to be "put on the spot" and won't know how to answer a question or how to do something. I second guess everything I do and say and don't trust my own judgment. I don't ever believe any kind of praise or positive reinforcement I receive, yet I have no problem with being extremely critical of myself and I always feel like I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop, for something bad to happen. I'm always on edge. There is a sense of impending doom. I live in my own head so much that its hard for me to relate to others. I am always so on edge and "scanning" the environment for threats that it's hard for me to concentrate on anything. I almost never feel comfortable. I hate this feeling.

Lately it seems the anxiety is worst in the morning, especially if I have to go to work. This morning it was so intense I just wanted to call in and not go, just roll over and stay in the bed. I just felt completely and utterly keyed up and edgy. Mondays are especially bad, but every weekday I feel this way. I'm afraid I am going to get to work and there's going to be something stressful happening that's going to reveal my problems to everyone. Of course there usually isn't, but every morning is a battle. The current state of the economy makes all this worse .... I feel like I have to keep all of this covered up and not let anyone know that I am having these problems. I'm afraid my boss and others would lose confidence in me and find some way to get rid of me if they knew how I am really feeling, especally since there is no shortage of people looking for jobs these days.

I do think seeing a counselor would help, but the idea of missing work for appointments really bothers me. I don't know how I would explain such frequent "Dr. Appointments" and I am afraid this would just give me something else to stress/obsess about and impede on any forward progress I might make in therapy. But I do feel like I need it. Perhaps I need to find someone with evening or weekend hours. I don't know how hard that will be to do, though.

Dtrotter you mentioned avoiding medication -- I am already on Lexapro and sometimes it seems to help, sometimes it doesn't. Have you had bad personal experiences with meds? I have a history of depression, anxiety and panic attacks. It has been a long time (years) since I have had a full-blown panic attack; lately I experience free floating generalized anxiety rather than the extreme peaks of panic attacks. Anticipatory anxiety is the worst. I build everything up in my mind so much that avoidance is becoming more and more common. I have been on Prozac, Paxil, Wellbutrin, Luvox, Zoloft, Remeron, and others, as well as some benzos (Ativan, Xanax, Klonopin). Trying to stay away from the benzos now because of the rebound/breakthrough anxiety they seem to cause. Can these meds cause concentration/attention problems on their own, or are these problems more likely a symptom of my anxiety/depression disorders?

I just wish I could calm down. I feel so jumpy, like I've just downed black coffee or something. Lately I am beginning to chew on/pull at my cuticles around my fingernails again too. I am convinced this is a symptom of my anxiety disorder. I go through stages where I will bite/chew/pick at the cuticle skin so much that it would gets raw and bleeds. This would in turn give me something else to feel self conscious about. I also have a habit of hair twisting when I am alone, just another way of dealing with the anxiety.

[gman]

Well I just made an evening appointment with a therapist for this Thursday at 7PM. I think this will be a good thing for me. Not having to worry about being gone from work for my appointments will be a weight off my shoulders. I really hope I can make some progress. Living with this constant fear is not really living at all, it is merely existing. Things have to change.

[dtrotter]

Well I just made an evening appointment with a therapist for this Thursday at 7PM. I think this will be a good thing for me. Not having to worry about being gone from work for my appointments will be a weight off my shoulders. I really hope I can make some progress. Living with this constant fear is not really living at all, it is merely existing. Things have to change.

I glad you have taken up the courage to see a therapist for this. I hope everything will go well for you.

[Stevus]

Hi gman.

I really can relate to so much of what your saying. I was scanning anxiety/depression forums to see if there was someone who felt like i do and i came across your post which i thought was really quite similar to how i feel at the moment. I'm a total nervous wreck too, i could count the amount of times I've left my parents house on 2 hands in the last 10 months. It really does feel horrible, so i really do know how the extreme anxiety/depression/social phobia feels. I have had all the counselling and stuff, it did help cure my self loathing but i have deteriorated in other areas still. If you have set thoughts from bullying or something like that then counselling is really useful as it makes you question the truth behind those thoughts, but if you have much deeper pain then i think the best thing to do is find someone you can relate to. I am here if you want to talk a little deeper gman. I would love ot hear more from you

[gman]

Hi gman.

I really can relate to so much of what your saying. I was scanning anxiety/depression forums to see if there was someone who felt like i do and i came across your post which i thought was really quite similar to how i feel at the moment. I'm a total nervous wreck too, i could count the amount of times I've left my parents house on 2 hands in the last 10 months. It really does feel horrible, so i really do know how the extreme anxiety/depression/social phobia feels. I have had all the counselling and stuff, it did help cure my self loathing but i have deteriorated in other areas still. If you have set thoughts from bullying or something like that then counselling is really useful as it makes you question the truth behind those thoughts, but if you have much deeper pain then i think the best thing to do is find someone you can relate to. I am here if you want to talk a little deeper gman. I would love ot hear more from you

Hey Stevus,

Thanks so much for your post. Today has been a very hard day for me. My nerves were so bad this morning that I called in to work (haven't allowed myself to do that in months), and that didn't help much because now I just feel so guilty about giving in to my feelings. I have been going to see a counselor, and she has been helping me to see how my feelings are rooted in events from my past, but my problem is that even though I know my feelings are irrational they still have this hold over me.

I laid in the bed practically all day today just thinking, the anxiety is at such a high level right now that I don't even want to eat anything and leaving this apartment requires every bit of energy I have. Sometimes I think that if I did not have to work I would really never leave. The really hard thing about this disorder is that you feel like you have to hide it from everyone; I'd rather people at work think I am physically ill than suffering from this anxiety. Feeling this way has my self esteem in complete tatters. I can't enjoy time with my friends or time alone. This is a sad existence.

[Stevus]

Hi gman, good to see a reply from you

It is crippling I know, I think if my parents threw me out I would slowly starve to death on the street. They are my life support, and that is very scary for me. I can sense that your quite panic stricken, try and accept your situation a little bit; but that’s hard if you think you’re a failure/waste of space. Try to found out what your main fear is. Loneliness and prejudice is the cause for my worries, and that I can’t do anything about it because I feel like a different species to everyone else, very frustrating.

What were you like when you were married btw? And how long ago were the days when you weren’t being plagued by these thoughts? Can you tell me a little more about yourself perhaps? Like your name and age. I’m Steve and I’m 20 years old :)