Help In Returning To Work?

[rampagerose]

I suppose this is the main reason I'm seeking help in others. I can't seem to find employment --or rather, to make myself seek employment. I am a website designer by career. I took two years of school and aced it. I've studied it personally for over seven years. It is my passion and something that really brings me joy to do.

However, I cannot seem to handle working in an office situation. I have my biggest troubles dealing with clients, but usually because of the work I've done in the past I know how to calm myself and make things work with them. I do have a major tendency to stutter when in person with clients, but if I'm just on the phone I usually do okay.

What I can't do is get myself out of bed, off to work, and staying there a whole day. I'm confident in my abilities as a designer. I know what I'm good at and what I need to work on. I know that I deserve a good job and that I can work hard enough to move up in my career quickly. But when working at a top web firm, I can't seem to get my anxiety to calm down fast enough for everything to go smoothly. (Generally speaking.) I only have a maximum of 5 minutes to pause myself, breathe slow, and talk myself down from the panic. Usually I end up crying in the washroom or horribly shaking. Having a limited time to calm down makes me panic worse because of the pressure to return to my work quickly. As this continues, my energy levels drop and my creativity lags, so then my work performance goes to hell.

I quit my last job because this summer was another near-death experience for my mother and I had a lot of remaining anxieties and fears about leaving her alone in the house while I was at work. Eventually it got so bad that I was unable to leave the house and worked from home for a short time before the company said that they could not allow me to do that any longer and I had to come back into the office or quit. I quit.

I am $6000 in debt with student loans. I have to pay for my Internet and my cellphone (which is now around $500). My mom can't work and she has no money, so between us we live on the charity of our family and $600 a month in welfare. I want to be a good daughter. I want to help my family so that they don't ever need to go without. When I am confident and well, I am able to go far. I have the talent and the drive. I am roadblocked by my own mental inbalances and I just don't know where to start to get back on track and MAINTAIN it.

Previously I had kept a job for over a year, but I was abused by my boss and eventually quit to save my sanity.

I'm at the end of my rope, really. I just don't know where the hell to begin or how I'll manage any type of job at all. Even if I just got a part-time job at a mall or a shop somewhere, it's the constant people that make me mess up at it and quit or get fired.

[angel_112]

oh sweety, i feel for you.

i am like that too. i have my current job for about a year and a half now but granted i have taken sooooo many sick days off too.

i don't like being outside or going outside for fear of car accidents, earthquakes etc. but i still manage to go out. i am constantly depressed and scared and always feeling guilty.

however, tonight, as i was browsing through the net, it just occurred to me to search 'perfectionism'. honestly, i realized that i am such a perfectionist because i cannot handle any kind of failure, or embarrassment, or anything that seems to be out of control!!!! do you think you can relate to that too? it is weird but i think that's why i miss so much work, because i don't want to finish projects cuz i feel like i'm going to fail.

maybe we should ease up on ourselves and just be happy enough that we are trying? i don't know, but maybe that is a good start.

[Vicki]

Is it stress related anxiety then? If so do some reading on managing stress. I understand you know you need to take yourself off and calm down but there are many techniques you may not know about that could be helpful. By studying stess and learning to cope a little better you're moving in the right direction even if it takes you a while to be confident enough to apply for work. :)

[rampagerose]

Hmm. Thank you for your replies. Yes, some of it is probably stress related. I do get very upset when things aren't going quite right. Although my biggest fear is still the clients and my co-workers. I hate sitting at my desk all day fearing what others think of me, or when I stutter it's really embarassing, or if I really just make a mess of the day because of my attacks, it's hard to deal with.

I have been toying with the idea of reapplying at my old work. Since I left on a mostly mutual decision and they were sorry to let me go... but I have misgivings about the same problems reoccurring or if they would be less willing to have me because of my problems.

I will look up stress management too and see if I can start practicing some things to make it better.

Thank you for replying to me. :)

[Vicki]

Remember that when we worry about what others think of us we're being too worried about ourselves when we should be focusing on others :) I bet if you actually asked people and they told the honest truth, there are LOTS of people out there fretting about what people think of them!