Problems with my wife.

[12noon]

Hi,

I'm new to this forum, but need some answers.

For the last 3 years now my wife has started dodging parties and telling little white lies to get out of going out of the house and it's getting worse.

For the last 3 years i've been wanting to go abroad on holiday and my wife keeps finding ways of it not happening. I've saved up to go away twice and somehow she's found a way to spend the money i've saved, but this last week i got the money together again and sort of nudged my wife into the travel agents. What happened was a string of excuses why she couldn't go away and we ended up walking out of the travel agent looking stupid. It was then that i started putting two and two together and working out what was going on. We had a bit of a tiff about the travel agent when we got home and she explained to me that she didn't like going out of the house. She started crying and didn't understand what was wrong with her, but she knows she's got a problem.

My problem is that i think she's developing agoraphobia and i don't know what to do about it. I don't even know if i should tell her what i think might be wrong. I know i can't tell her mother and father because they would make her worse.

What steps can i take to get her to the doctors or somewhere without looking like i'm bulling her into something she might not want to do ?

She's 40 years old. She works in a shoip just round the corner from home (we live in the middle of town) but she says she feels safe at work.

Please give me some idea of how i should handle this.

BTW 4 years ago we went abroad twice. The second time was to Tunisia and i remember her not wanting to go out of the hotel grounds. It could be that that started things.

[FunPie]

Wow, this is complicated, because we are not just trying to figure out what your wife has, but also getting her to admit her problem to others, and presenting it in a way to where she will not be offended. Keep in mind that I do not know your wife, so any advice I will give is 'ad lib'.

First off, there is no guarentee that she has agoraphobia, judging by the info you have given, but it is a definite possibility. Agoraphobia is closely associated with panic disorder (even if they are seemingly unrelated, almost all agorophobics have panic disorder), so unless she is having panic attacks that "come out of the blue" without reason, she most likely does not have agoraphobia. Even if she have it, I suspect some other anxiety is a very likely canidate, social phobia can come up to mind. ( does she not mind going to places if there is little social interaction?)

2nd off, if this is going on for 3 years without anyone saying anything, it is probably about time to say something directly. The good news is that she acknowledges she has a problem, so the hard part is over.

In other words, tell her that you think her condition is(with tact), and ask her to see a therapist or a self-help book that uses cognitive therapy (there are some great ones that worked for me) She already knows there is something wrong with her, so you probably won't hurt her feelings too bad if you bring it up, she just needs direction. There comes a time where we need to spare our partner's feelings for a brief time for the betterment of the rest of their lives.

3rd, while this sounds like a classic case of anxiety, what she suffers from isn't uncommon. As much as 28% of the population will go through a severe anxiety disorder in their lifetime. If she fears having a mental illness (sometimes a reason why people avoid help), tell her that she can take comfort in knowing that 1 out of 4 people she meets can relate to her.

[12noon]

It's hard trying to put the full picture into words, but other things that i didn't say in my first post because i've just gotten used to some of them are : -

Her younger brother has been in hospital for years and it's only these last few years that he's been let out. He's now in one of those homes where the staff are trying to get him to live a more normal life. He's on loads of tablets and to me seems to have the brain age of a 10 year old. He repeats the same questions over and over. I wasn't around when it started but was told he was normal in to his teens but witnessed someone being stabbed and ended up in his own little world.

My wives parents are natteres. They are good kind people, but i'm guessing that they made their son worse in the early years and might have had an effect on my wife. They constantly visit their son at the home and insist on my wife visiting. They also have plans for my wife to look after him once they are gone. The inheritance is another issue.

My wife constantly cleans the house. She will spend a few hours each day cleaning the same parts of the house that she did the day before. She will not give t a rest even on a Sunday or when no one has been home.

My wife is always getting cold breezes blowing on her in the house even though i'm red hot and having to sit in a t-shirt and shorts.

My wife tends to make her self sick when she feels sick.

I'm going to see if i can sit her down and have a talk to her tonight after i get home from work. Wish me luck.

[FunPie]

Interesting. I could be overanalyzing, but perhaps she is afraid of witnessing a horrible event and become mentally disabled like her brother, and has therefore shielded herself from experiencing such an event? If this is the case, this sounds similar to what I have, fear of psychosis, or agateophobia. (I'm not guarenteeing anything because I'm not a therapist, I'm just throwing in some possibilities) If this is the case, she needs to know that her brother's case is an extreme case, and unlikely to happen to her. (and honestly, it doesn't even sound like her brother has PTSD, but possibly a traumatic event triggered some underlying mental problem. Most people with PTSD are mentally sound)

You haven't described any random panic symptoms, so I assume she does not have panic disorder.

The good news is that agateophobia is very easily treatable, and those that fear going crazy are the least likely to go crazy. I still think that agoraphobia is still up for grabs. (also very treatable). Cleaning may be indicitive of OCD, but many people are just clean. Making ourselves sick when we feel sick is a common problem for people with anxiety problems, nothing too abnormal.

Anyways, good luck, I wish you and your wife the best of it. You and her will be fine.

[12noon]

Had a bit of a chat and she says she will go to the doctors, but she also told me that she went last year and the doctor said she had depression. He wanted to give her anti-depressants and to see someone but she didn't have them, didn't see anyone and left it at that. As far as i know.

As for panic attacks i'm not sure. I know last year we were stood at the bus station and i had to almost pick her up and bring her home because she said she had gone red hot and wanted to take all her clothes off. I just thought it was a hot flush though and thought no more about it.

I think i've missed all sorts because i've either not been looking for anything or been at work and missed it. I know in future to take more notice though.

Thanks for your help.

<edit>

Just thought of something else. She only likes programs on TV like "last of the summer wine" and "open all hours". She will watch the same programs over and over. It's almost always on UKGold on TV when i get home from work and if i want to watch a film or something she doesn't like, i have to watch it when she's either in bed or out at work.

[FunPie]

Glad to help. I'm a big fan of reruns myself, but IMO that alone doesn't indicate anything drastic, we humans are pretty predictable. It sounds like your wife had a panic attack, but I doubt she has panic disorder. In Panic Disorder attacks are random (without cause) and very recurrant, and can also occur at night in most patients. If she had it, you would know.

I would recommend seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist instead. (if you haven't already) If by doctor you are refering to physician, the average physician is not suitably trained to recognize mental illness. I hear they go through less than 6 months of psychiatric training in their career, which is why drugs like Prozac are so rampant in the general population. (as many as twice as many prescriptions are signed in proportion to the population that is estimated to have depression, obviously there is a lot of misdiagnosis going on) The University of Rochester did a huge study on it.

Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) has been proven to be just as effective as drugs in treating anxiety disorders or depression. It is drug free, without the nasty side-effects of many prescription pills. I think there are dozens of people on this forum that can vouch for me. That is not to say drugs are not effective, but I would personally stay away from them, they can get costly in the long run. Plus, I never was a fan of taking medication, so I may have a personal bias.

In my opinion (but a highly supported one that can be backed by evidence) a physician is no more fit to give a diagnosis of a mental disorder than you or me. When I was getting trained as a marketer one of the things was trained for was how to recognize the personality traits and possible mental disorders of various people. Trust me, the 6 months of training that a physician has is not sufficient by any stretch of the imagination.

[12noon]

I went through the list that's posted in the message at the top of this part of the forum with my wife last night and all though she didn't like looking at the list, she felt better after she had looked because she could tick off a lot of the symptoms. She is going to see about getting some professional help.

Thank you for helping me.