I'm new here

[Bingly]

I found this forum today. I was looking for something like this. I know there are others out there like me and it's relieving to me to find a community out there where anxiety can be discussed. So, thank you for making this site possible!

I'm 28 and have been struggling with anxiety most of my life. Almost two years ago, my Dad died of cancer at the age of 46. I don't think I've been able to recover fully from the situation. Watching him pass was traumatic and I've been struggling ever since to come to grips with what happened and how to move forward optimistically with my own life.

I could write a pretty long story but I'll try to keep things short. A month before my Dad passed, I became a father to a baby girl. I knew my Dad was passing away so it was difficult to be excited about being a new parent. It was definitely a difficult time for me. A lot of ups and downs and I just couldn't get a good grip on it.

When my Dad passed away, I tried to be a rock for my Mother to lean on and she recovered very well. She has already moved on to a new relationship with another man, which is sometimes uncomfortable to be around. It gets easier though every day.

My relationship with my fiance has suffered tremendously because I simply haven't been myself since my Dad passed away. We are fighting often and I'm struggling daily to help heal myself and help keep our relationship healthy and happy. I think I am losing the battle and I'm afraid if I can't go back to being the man she fell in love with, our relationship will fail.

It is a lot of pressure because I too want to be myself, be happy, make my fiance happy and get life back to normal but I don't know where to turn for help. I have been anxiety medication before (Klonopin and Paxil CR). Many years ago I talked to a psychologist and I didn't get much out of it. I don't have health insurance so I am concerned about spending money out of pocket trying to find a professional to help me. Also, when I was on those medications, it turned me in to a zombie. I felt like ALL of my emotions were turned off. It was kind of depressing seeing myself from the outside turn in to this person that just stopped caring about anything. I'm not sure I could go through that anymore.

I've become a bit of a hypochondriac. I think I am "cancer" destined. Whenever I get sick, whether it be a cold or a flu, or anything, I believe it is an early warning sign of cancer and I become paranoid. I am fighting with panic attacks almost daily, especially in the evening hours for some reason. Other friendships and relationships have suffered from my anxiety as well. I've lost friends and pushed away some people in my life. It is difficult for me to trust others around me. I could get in to detailing why that is, but that might be for another post entirely. :)

It is not uncommon for me to think of my own funeral before I go to sleep each night. That's when my anxiety sets in extremely hard. I often think I will fall asleep and not wake up. I have a cold right now and I have all this congestion. I am constantly thinking if I fall asleep, my throat will close up and I will not be able to breathe. I realize all of this is nonsense but my fear is very real. My heart is always racing and it puts me on edge. I've lost much of my sense of humor and my old personality feels gone to me. All I want to do is hide under the sheets of my bed sometimes.

Thanks for reading my story. If you have any suggestions for a case like me, I would really appreciate it!

[Headcase]

Hi,

Mate I read your story it was like reading my own.

I am 32 & have very very similiar circumstances in my life and can definelty sympathise with your health worries.

I too am still looking for the answers to a better life, my relationship with my wife and family is at its worst at the moment and I am just hanging onto it.

I find the anxiety consumes me and I often block out what people are saying to me because i go into a deep worring type trance? My wife gets upset because she says I dont listen to her and I often get woken out of my trance by the kids yelling at me for something. This often causes the big arguments with my wife and its all because of the anxiety.

I wake up worrying about my health and worry every ache is cancer.
I also get the panic attacks coming and going daily.

I get IBS with aches in my stomach which make the anxiety worse. This is a viscious circle as the IBS and pains are caused by the anxiety in the first place.

I dont want to go to work and when I do I dont actually do much, so i am also just hanging onto my job.

I also dont feel like doing much around the home either and this also upsets the wife.

I also have the terrible funeral thoughts occasionally but I try really hard to ignore them as they are really not nice to think about.

I hope at least you may find some comfort in knowing someone else is going through a very similiar thing?