Bursting Point

[silence]

hello... ok here goes:

i've never spoken to anyone about this really as I am so good at acting fine that i am making things worse. im pretty sure its going to be one long bluuuur (with no punctuation and hideous typos) of release.. i apologise in advance, but I've been suffering from something for 2 years now...

Firstly i'm starting to become some anxious that I am anxious about not really being anxious and it being something far worse. I am constantly worrying about the slightest pain or strange feeling in my body, i worry that i have cancer, diabetes, respitory diseases... i come up with all kinds of things that must be wrong with me and worry about this constantly. I am having terrible problems with indigestions and my stomach doesn't feel right... I never feel hungry but I overeat with worry, sometimes becuase of this I am sick in the night... which makes me worry I have something terribly wrong with my stomach. It also is causing me to gain and lose weight in strange patterns but I always feel bad about my weight.

I get exhausted quite easily but can't even think about sleeping when i do sleep its hard to wake up. Becuase of this I have been late to work and have missed lectures at university. Missing the lectures has caused my lecturer to threaten me with being kicked off of my course which causes immence worry, and my boss warning me i will be fired if i am late.... now that wprries me becuase I have maxed out two overdrafts to the sum of £3000, and now I owe the university £1300 so without money I cant afford to live or eat or pay rent... this causes a lot of worry.

I worry about my family a lot, i spend a lot of time imagining how terrible it would be for them to die and then I feel like I need to see them to check on them, but this also causes me to believe that i will not live much longer, I just can't imagine how I could possible be alive without dying of ilness... bird flu has been playing on my mind, a lot of my friends are ill and this makes it a lot worse.

I feel like I am always at my wits end, the slightest comment or action that i disagree with sets me into a rage, I end up pissing off my friends and family and my friends have even mocked me for my bad temper (they dont know whats going on).

I have absoulutely no concentration... doing my uni work is a complete joke, I sit in front of the screen trying to think of ideas for my stories and scripts but every other second a worrying thought is in my mind. this worry causes me to chain smoke excessively which costs a lot of money and makes me fear that i have already ruined my body beyond the point of no return. I cant read and my reactions to questions are slow... this makes me appear slow and stupid when really I have barely heard the question or I am reading a question on a piece of paper but only seeing letters on a page not words and sentences.

My mother suffered from terrible anxiety and panic attacks when i was an early teen and once was taken to hospital becuase she was certain she was having a heart attack... I have no idea why 9 years on I have suddenly started experiencing the same thing.

Im at the point now where I really wont to explode, I don't get suicidal or enter manic depressuin but sometimes I just dont want to exist becuase the sensation is so strong and overpowering, in fact the reason I am writing this now is becuase the feeling is terrible at the moment and I am absoulutely sick to death of this. Im pissing off everyone I care about, ruining my education, grinding my finances into the ground and general turning my life into a complete f*up without any real explanation I can think of.

I want to know that other people have felt or are feeling like this so it is not just me, my main concerns are the problems with my stomach, i am desperate to know that the terrible indigestion and strange lack of hunger (almost bloatedness) is due to this as for a while I remember feeling fine again during a months period of no anxiety (it swiftly returned)

I notice my anxiety is ten times as bad in winter than in summer, I at night I fear every single person I see on the street. I cant sleep without a light on so that I can see everything in my room if needed.

I had better stop writing before my fingers fall off, i actually feel a little release now.. :)

Silence...

P.S. I apologise for this essayesque post.. it really was written straight from the brain to the fingers. And I havnt the concentration to read what I have said.

[brickyard_red]

Welcome Silence. I'm so glad you are here. Please first off know that if you are ever feeling suicidal , please please please get help. I know you said that you really didn't feel this way, but that you didn't want to exist anymore, that I can totally understand. And like you I never tell anyone how I'm really feeling because I don't want them to freak out and send me away!

I believe that the lack of concentration, loss of appetite/gain of appetite, paranoia and anger issues all stem from anxiety and depression, which go hand in hand.

Look at some of the resouces in the resources section here and take some of the tests and see what you come up with. Also, if at all possible, please see your dr.! I really think they will be able to help you.

Again, know that you are not alone in what you are feeling and experiencing and also know that I'm glad you are here.

Cath :)

[Bridgie]

Hi Silence and Welcome to the forum! Know that you are not alone in feeling what you are feeling. When we suffer from anxiety, sometimes things just seem like they are spinning out of control.

I understand about the stomach thing, sort of. I have this pain in my stomach all the time and I think I probably have stomach cancer or something. My doctor wanted me to get a test where they make you swallow a tube, and I said NO WAY! So I totally don't go to the Dr. anymore.

I felt like you at one point where I thought I was going to die all the time and worried about everything. My Dr. put me on Zoloft, and that helped relieve those feelings, but didn't really help with the general anxiety. I stopped taking it after a while.

Try to focus on one problem at a time. When you lump them all together, it seems overwhelming and you feel you are losing control over everything.

Good luck, and anytime you want to get something off your chest, we're here to listen! :)

[silence]

thanks so much for the replies I feel better already for just hearing that somebody has heard my problems :P

I'm going to try and sort out my problems one by one and see if that starts to ease things. I find it too easy to put off the doctors (I always find an excuse for myself) which is ridiculous, but then again I really really want to avoid taking any kind of medication for this.

I need to go to work now but I will be back :)

[Littlebobo]

Hi Silence, I just wanted to say that i am a new here and spotted your post and i can so understand what you are going through, I am only just waking up to the fact that i have had anxiety for years but always just thought that i was a bit of a hypercondreact or drama queen as i get very worked up about the slightest thing.

For example i recently started a new job and was sure that they were all talking about me this morning, I have to shake it off though overwise it dominates my thoughts and that just drives me nuts !

I also have a friend how i abuse constanly and get very angry with all the time - they are possibly the only person that has any real idea of what i am going through i have tried to tell my family and my boyfriend but they just dont really understand and i just end up feeling alone and trapped.

A few years ago ( before i knew i had anxiety) i self diagnosed myself with Chrons disease, then bowel cancer and ended up going for all kinds of scans and only until i was given 110% definite i was not dying was i happy well as happy as i could be.

I often find myself going through the eating phases and just before the doctor diagnosed me with anxiety i was signed off for chest pains and stomach pains, i ended up getting an inhaler to help with my breathing and spasmodal to stop the cramps. When i get down i tend to eat a lot of junk which then in turns makes me feel worse and then i go full circle and eat nothing which means that i am always frustrated by my weight.

Only really in the last few months have i discovered that i am not alone and you dont need to be either, I have a few appointments lined up with my doctor and he is running tests to make sure that everything else is okay so am sure that it will be, anyway get to the doctor they will help.

If you need anyone to talk to we are all here ;)