Dave's Dairy

[Ponder]

https://i.ibb.co/xh8wLsY/COOee.pngCoo - ee ee ee ee ee ... No this is not a call from the Dardanelles. If that were me knowing what I know now, I'd be hollering "Go Home & Stay Safe!" Since it's now and the world fights it wars somewhat different, I'd say ... "Do what you feel you must, but be very careful what you choose to beleive!" Choice being the key word. Whilst all the people around me seem to be swept away in a torrent of rights and laws, I choose to reject all forms of said control that are 'forced' upon me. One example is whilst now in Australia we are all subject by law to have a wireless device installed next to our beds, I have found a way to remove said device regardless of said law. For me it is the same with the growing division all things CV - I will take the Jab in the end as certification will soon be required in order to bypass the now entrenched ostracization of those not taking their so called medicine. I will not hold ill will towards those that have. I understand that is exactly what the authors want. Fact is I will eventually be one of them ... but never really in that 'group' as I have done well to divorce myself from such engeniered mentality. Such is what leads to the essence that herds sheep as defined in above image.

Complexity of Today's Current Social Engineering:
It's a very complex web but to simplify things, my advice is if you do end up being forced into doing what you don't want to do - to do so believing that you will not become ill. To be sure many will and this does not mean they will die then and there. This is how I will be bending my knee knowing full well we have finally reach an age of compliance of die. A much bigger story that is going on behind the curtain of CV. The extreme of such is not a quick end at all. It's a gradual decline that sees people go without support and essentials. Laughs out loud to consider what food has become today and the availability of what good is left having nothing to do with whether you have a job or not. Which is why I in the end I have decided to take the plunge. That said, I am still waiting for the right time -= one that suits my ability to go into the community and be subject to the conveyer belt which I already struggled with long before this plandemic. I sit in neither camp regarding control freaks, sheep, collaborators/social compliance influencers peddling division which helps spread the fear for those above writing the script/narrative. So much so that the authors/vampires can sit back and let the commodity (food source) squabble among themselves. Lowering the vibration of society with planned intent.

Doomsday Mentality
Are not my own musings adding to the conflict? I guess as much as my diary is public but why should we be muzzled from approaching these issues from one side or the other. This now leads me into the ponderings of those who subscribe to the doomsday mentality. I can understand how it is that those who have chosen to see the control aspect as now fully in place whilst fearing death have come to see as they do. For me it is just the same fear as peddled by puppets on the evening news and then of course by drones in social media. One and the same thing. However, like I have said before ... I do find some of the revelations that come from the various self professed truth seekers at least more entertaining the Netflix. Right now Netflix is completely full of shit. One super hero flick after the other which makes me wonder how much more sheepish can we all get? Alas - after watching a The Age of Truth last night ... the best I came up with was to stop caring at all. pick up my sketching pencils and start learning to draw all over again.

So there you have it. That is my take on all this BS we are experinaceing today. The BS has been going on for a long time and will continue to do so until we all eventually die. So why not in the mean time make the most of what we each have. I figure I will start my own religion. hahahahahahaaa Just kidding - or Not. I let my drawings do the talking once I can actually draw good enough. I'll just do my best to learn how to play along whilst all along having no desire to be part of any group. We all die one way of the other. I find no solace in the bunker mentality. That's not for me either. What happens, happens. Full stop. How I allow myself to feel ... whilst automated to some degree (a lot) small changes in the programming certainly helps. That's why learning to reprogram, disengage and so on is important to me.
_______________________________________

Humor is important. this morning I knock on my daughter bedroom door. "Hello? You still here Darl?" No response??? I knock again - KNOCK KNOCK ... still nothing??? I then begin sobbing at the door and say in a high pitched Monty Python manner "Oh Noooo ... Noooo, not now please noooooo" - Pause - "All I wanted to do was ask if you wanted a cup of coffee!" ... then continues sobbing ...

Daughter: Starts Laughing.

She has been saying how much she wants to kill herself at the moment. (I totally get how she feels feels) Not long out of the psych ward. I have another friend who is currently still in.

Humor is important!
________________

Anyone is welcome to join, completely ignore and or say anything you like. My shit is just mine - having a place to take a dump is a must. I guess that is the next restriction coming to a place near you!

Adios - Until next post. I'm sure they will smell better after a few more goes! Another textual detox before turning into a nice shiny compliant civilian. Srry - I'm not so easy to iron out.

[Ponder]

Highlight of the day - Picked up a desktop creative arts station. The table just falls a little short on the width section but I have found a way around that for now. Once I can get more funds, I'll be looking to build my own sit/stand desk which will keep me going for hours on end.


https://i.ibb.co/rcvzfhZ/Creative-Art-Station.jpg


Once I get my teeth into the practice side of things - I'll should be able to block out most of the world on a daily basis. If only! At least that is the plan. I'll keep thinking of Bob Ross Happy Trees :)

SAL - what did you mean when you said "I'm not even going to continue with my case this year ... Understand if you don't want to elaborate but since you mentioned it in my other thread ... I am all ears!
What's happening brother? I've still got an appeal going on myself. Can be quite draining and feel very much the same way.

I'm sorry if my return and candid ways have interrupted a good mood. That said, I'm still here to help. I've said what I needed saying. Now I am focusing on my art. When ready I'll make that other thread that just deals on drawing. ;)

[salvator here]

Oh, no, you didn't interrupt anything. Its always good to see you, of course, wish the circumstances were different. I know you always try to help me as I also try to help when I can.

I like the way you turned this around.

That was cute with you daughter - got to laugh now and then. That is partly why I write corny ass jokes on here sometimes. Did you mean you or your daughter not long out of the psych ward? Somehow (I don't know how) I managed to keep away from the psych this year thus far. Came close a few times, but if they get me again, it will be a long stay I feel. Yeah, I'll go more into my situation another time. Just draining as you say.

Art is so important was to express emotion(s). Very good to hear.

[Ponder]

Glad to hear re the ... (let's just say) ... 'The Mental Heal Unit' :) Give it that nice clean clinical odorless smell shall we. hehe. Srry. I meant my daughter and a friend whom are both struggling very much atm. All good Sal. Understand your position as stated and whilst back, I will check your thread for when you do write up on such things. Has to be in our time, our own pace and our own vibe. I'll just keep a check on my own wing-bat antics by curbing such things as timing, pace and tone when in other peoples space/threads. That said, I think once people get to know the authors that readers are as much responsible for choosing what they hear as well as allowing forum users to express as they must within said authors space. I'm so glad you still have your own journal going. You've always been a good read within your own space and very respectful when in mine and more often than not quite helpful. Another reason I have returned but no pressure. lol

Currently listening to the 80s and 90s link I posted on very low. Seems not a bad pace for first thing in the morning. Billy Jean is bouncing around in my head atm.

House Inspection Today! Everything has been prepped. The worst we might get is a formal letter to pull out the two or three weeds I missed whilst everything else being immaculate. My wife even placed a vase of flowers from the garden and my lavender plant on the dining table. I also went the extra mile but pulled up short of a welcome mat. My home is not a place where I like people coming and going without my permission; especially my bedroom. I just endure such things as best I can. This context being a renters perspective. I'll leave it at that. I'm sure many understand.

RIGHTO! - Good news is once the inspection is over I am ready to break out the drawing supplies and set up the work station in my bedroom. I got an ear full setting up where I did as my wife has plans to put her scrap booking stuff there once the realestate agent splits. I just put it there because there was nowhere else without making my room look like a sardine can. I'll make it look like a sardine can, also once the agent splits. In fact, half of what is in the shed will spill back into the house once she is gone. lmfao.


Moving on ... Whilst I have quickly put weight back on since breaking my body again, I have been getting plenty of sun:
Interesting image with that fire smoking away there. Pretty common for Australia.

https://i.ibb.co/18bzLbW/Plenty-of-Sun.jpg


Yea ... Getting that bicycle was one of my best ideas of late. So far no accidents on it. Touch wood. That image was about a month ago but I've been keeping the effort up. Whilst I love and seem to naturally feel relatively better under the sun, it is still an effort to ride to these locations and well ... I think most readers in here can sympathies re just being out among other people being more the effort. I can however say it does get better the more I try. I just pick places that are quiet mostly:


https://i.ibb.co/GpVmXzQ/Low-tide.jpg


I should check tide times now. Damn - 10 am this morning. Would of been nice to go now. I'll ride out later this morning then and see if I can take a new photo. Hmmmmm - The thing is I generally don't like to have anything on me and go naked. I'm so sick of all this BS we carry with us everywhere we go. OH - I mean when I go Naked! I just mean not carry all that electrical BS we carry is all. No bags, no weight clothes, no watch, no chains or trinkets and no PHONE!!! Thus the phrase 'Naked.' Often called Naked Running or Naked Sports - the quest to be free of so many device yet they are still selling them under the pretense of freedom - All new non clingy and so on ...

OK - I am going on again. Triggered by the thought of taking my phone or camera with me in order to share as I have above. I can do that. I'm just thinking in what mode I will go this morning is all. When I take my bike I usually take a synthetic camo net in my setup. Such fits in a small hydration pack without the bladder in it. I take it because I don't want my bike stolen and we get a lot of bike thieves in this area. (common in tourist destination which I live) Once I get to my spot I take the bike deep into the bushes, camo it with my bag, shoes and the rest of my 20201 cyborg devices. I don't quite go naked but do go shirtless showing of my latest whale gut and side flaps. So all in all when I get to my destination I have a bit of kit I stash when I want to walk free across that expanse. As fat as I have become, I was slow jogging there for a bit when I had drop 22lbs. I tell ya ... I am so itching to get back into it ... but for now have to settle with my friend the sun and nothing else. Just another 4 weeks then I start it all over again with the treadmill and weights. If at first you don't succeed ... you know the rest.

Righto [Look's out window : 7:00AM] ... that sun is looking good. I need to get some now so I don't fry later. This time of year in Australia you got to layer the exposure and since my diet has been shit ... that method is even more crucial.

I catch up soon ... I really need to get my morning dose.

Take Care - Peace to all.

[IAmCamille]

I agree that you didn't interrupt anything. Anyway, I'm happy that you're doing something that you love. Wish to see your Artworks soon!

[Ponder]

Hi Camille. Thank you for that and also popping in. It's going to be a huge thing for me to stick at it but I will give it a try. Today was a big day with the inspection. By the time I tied up the lose ends I was knackered. I will for sure start a drawing thread and open it up to anyone. At first I will only be doing boring stuff - but I will share it anyways so I and others can see my progression. I will be sticking to graphite drawing for a while before branching out.

I will update some of the other things I love:

This is the outdoor area I started some time ago. Is clean and doing well:


https://i.ibb.co/sHNffP1/Side-Back.jpg


Bellow is the bamboo that I tendered too during our winter. It only grew a little up the fence since I got it but it did fill out well enough. I have a whole season of summer coming our way so should fill out some more. The small one in the larger pot had a couple of stems pulled from my Grandson. : ( ... I bought that one not much shorter than as is. I'm still happy to watch it fill out though. I am not sure if I have enough money this year, but I would like to double up the bamboo along the fence. Thus far I am rating it as a success with potential. They like to be pot bound before moving onto the next size up: I am thinking hard on shelling out some how for more of those. The whole potted garden idea is like little bit by little bit.


https://i.ibb.co/ZfRgQw3/BAMBOO-FILLED-OUT-A-LITTLE-OVER-WINTER.jpg


Bellow ... for instance I took some of the 'love of India plants' I was growing from cuttings and moved them to a spot out the front of my door. I also put mint directly in from of the door followed by Italian parley then the Love of India Plants leading to my letter box as seen from my front door. This front potted garden I did very cheaply. Now the delivery guys do not block my front door and everyone says it looks great. One day I may upgrade those pots to terracotta. For now they are doing good. BUT - tomorrow I must gently water.

https://i.ibb.co/6yssThG/Front-Door.jpg



Now for something completely different - what do you think of my new thongs?
A little something to help protect my feet at low tide when coming across a crop of pointing shells:

https://i.ibb.co/xhnWDwq/My-New-Thongs.jpg

Because of 4 image limit per post I now prep one more to share today's cook up batch then I get ready for bed. Once again it is really good to hear from you Camille | : D

[Ponder]

I have to be honest and tell you guys I just took 20mg of Temazepam. I know that is like nothing to some people. I only take it when I am really out of sorts. I don't like Temazepam much at all and was recently given a script that is still sitting in my draw for diazepam which I find works better for me. I try not to be a downer explaining why I am taking it but just say I am struggling with the requirements in order to be on the damn system I am on in order to receive various supports. Often said system make people more disabled than they need be and then plays favorites with those more malleable and easier lead.

OK - so today I finish another seven meals which makes it 14 meals I have prepared over the last 3 days. It really helps me a LOT doing this for myself. My wife has a helper now as her condition of MS has progressed somewhat but not enough to stop her or I from looking after both our adult daughter and our grandson. The helper is really nice and has taken the time to teach me to make the meals as well. I was able to make a 1.2kg Marinated Chuck Roast go into seven meals. Not only is it more economical but probably more healthy as far as eating beef goes. I have a history of bowl cancer in my family and too much red meat is not good for that. When I am not doing the vegan thing I now eat way less meat than I used to before. That said, the way this stuff cooks up in a slow cooker ... MMM mmm ... If I was not prepping like this I think I would eat the whole thing in one sitting!


This is the meat which basically fell apart just pushing of fork into it witch hardly the touch of a knife. Slow cooked for approx. 6 hours:


https://i.ibb.co/hF4F4rB/Sloww-Cooked-Marinated-Chuck-Roast.jpg



This is after separating as evenly as I could for seven meals. Works out to be 170 grams of meat per meal. This is still considered too much by some and at the very least should not be eaten everyday at this rate. I know that sounds insane but from what I can tell of the science it seems legit. Basically I have 14 meals I should not be eating everyday so will have to make up more batches of my vegan variants. The will be curry meals with coconut cream, pre cooked kidney beans but lately I have been favoring pre-prepped chick peas. I think more about that later ... here is how it looks splitting that meat into 7 meals. My wife usually has hers split into 8 - Oh yea ... the mash is a favorite or mine. I made that with Nut Butter and some kind of lactose free creamy milk ... also added salt for taste and whipped it up good: Admits the juice in the meet is all of the fats collected in the slow cooker - I mean like I did split it seven ways. Come on ... surely that is not bad? Taste orgasmic ... I can say that much!


https://i.ibb.co/PDB2wJc/1-2kg-roast-seven-meals.jpg




Of course I have to add some greens and make them count. I also use a steamer for those as I did for my mash. I usually have way more when not pre-prepping like this. However I think I have fitted in more than my wife gets. I ABOSOULTELY LOVE MY VEGGIES! Just like how I feel when I get sun ... so too I feel the same way when I make the effort to eat enough greens. Again is nothing compared to what I normally have - but I think is enough to be considered healthy? Much better than none and I cooked them just right to ensure there is some form if minerals left in them. Debatable about the condition of our soils which dictates the vit and min levles to be sure ... this I know.



https://i.ibb.co/C8L9fKH/Greens.jpg



And there we have it - Another Seven Meals ready to be frozen. My wife uses the microwave which I totally get. I always do offer here to steam them back to life but she is very much into the convenience. For me I find it sacrilege after putting in so much effort to keep the nutrients in. Veggies in the microwave is like tearing apart the cell structure from the inside out with high power microwaves that nuke all the nutrients as the food heats up. You do know that the microwave was an accident invention discovered by army scientists looking to improve radar technology? Somehow being curious they splattered on egg all over the place and latter perfected the art of cooking popcorn with radar waves.

In the age of convivence this was too good to be true so just like 'Bobs your Uncle!' Someone started the microwave industry with units first called RADAR RANGE:



Click on image to read about it - Apparently True Story? I'll stick with me steamer for good reason. Once you understand have high powered radio waves work, you might head many of the latest warning ... Like the one I linked in my other thread re the Univierty lecture on the truth about mobile phone and radio wave technologies.

https://i.ibb.co/gRnJ8gy/r-ADAR-r-ANGE.png (https://www.popularmechanics.com/technology/gadgets/a19567/how-the-microwave-was-invented-by-accident/)

OK ... I want harp on any more than that. OH - speaking of which ... have you head about 'HARP' ... a controversial Alaska-based research facility that studies an energetic and active region of the upper atmosphere. It actually does a lot more than that ... but is now said to be shutting down due to too many tin foil hat objectors. Interesting stuff.

Righto ... feeling like I can settle now. Forgive my ongoing candid jibs. Yawns. I've tried to keep it balance.

Night guys. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Hey guys - I just blew two takes doing of a video showing a great tool for capturing GIFs. I stuffed up my audio levels. I will try one more time and call it a very late night.

I think these guys are in the wrong career?
https://i.ibb.co/2cCgSMb/Foreplay4.gif

[Ponder]

All good. It was relaxing and given I have been stressing about other stuff I am glad I was able to teach myself some more re creative stuff on my PC. The ScreenToGif tool is a pretty good grab and there seems to be a few videos on Youtube that might offer more clarity re how to use it. I messed up in photoshop by simply not selecting that right file format, however was best just to do with the ScreenToGif tool. I was able to share some settings and get the above clip down to an acceptable size with the software itself.

Is best to skip past the photoshop part where I got lost ... 3rd time I started losing my train of thought. I did much better with the ScreenToGif Ap ... just wiz into that part to get an idea how it works.

I have another big day tomorrow ... kind of ... one of those days where you have something in the middle but enough to throw the whole day out.




I add that video now and try to sleep. ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz Night night.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UQXfhgCuAvo

[Ponder]

Disclaimer: Do Not Read then blame me for your own depression. I embrace my sadness like a drug and accept it as my friend. Read on at your own risk.

I tried that No More Panic Forum but Unfortanley found it overly confronting. I remember when I used to struggle with contention when first joining in here and also at a few other places. The way in which users response at NMP reminds me how toxic such places can be. I feel really compelled to consolidate my point about what a safe space a journal sub section offers regarding online mental health forums. Especially for many of us that become easy targets for intellectual trolls. Seems over at SAS you have to pay for such a privilege. I won't be doing that.



It is a lonely journey looking for acceptance is a world full of competition.

https://i.ibb.co/kHJ3FVv/Spaceship700-32bit.gif



Today I learned how to seamlessly loop online clips. Still very much procrastinating but at the same time making new discoveries. Instead of spaceship sounds I am back listening to → this. (https://youtu.be/mg7netw1JuM) I think tonight I take another pill. I have some background drama going on and it's all becoming a little too much with my no sleeping once more. Until I get some appointments out of the way is very hard for me not to climb the walls. I'm not exactly overjoyed making such admissions.

It's been a long time since I have found my voice.
My little video I did last night helped but at the end of the day to what end? I guess I taught myself a few things more but question where and what I can really do with it all. The vying in an overpopulated world will most certainly see people lost is a sea shallow goals. Everyone of them built on all kinds of deluded ideals. The bright colored balloons that we so energetically blow up to show others how well we are doing from day to day never stay up for long and leave us more depleted when not reaching the holey grail. Always banking and investing for that day that never comes. Alan Watts → Stop Chasing The Illusion (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RGXYK-M26S4&list=RDLVRGXYK-M26S4&start_radio=1&rv=RGXYK-M26S4&t=35)

[salvator here]

Good evening, Ponder. Guess its about midnight there so hope you sleep better. Don't feel bad, I've also had to rely on my benzo lately.

I'm going to try and catch up on everything over the weekend because (honestly) I've been quite 'out of it' and not functional. Yesterday I only got out of bed to piss pretty much. Not good but I'm up and have my appointment with my therapist and don't even know what to say. But anyway, whatever really.

I was hesitant to ask and I'm sorry your wife's condition is progressing. I hope things improve for your daughter and grandson. Can you all celebrate Halloween? I just love that holiday and its so much fun for the kids. I remember seeing your vids and you and him and I can see that strong bond between you both. I just want to say ... you deserve to much credit for keeping your family together during some very rough times.

Yeah, about NMP forum, its nor everyone and they didn't create a journal section. I'm not even interested in joining another forum to be honest. Just these 2 are good enough for me. I even left my computer tech forum because of huge paranoia that was only further causing me distress and anxiety - I'm already paranoid enough :D I just read your posting over there and that member did thank you for what you said. It is hard with new forums and I find this place to more relaxed of the two. As you said over there, hopefully you'll be able to post when something catches your eye because you have a lot of insight to offer others.

Will write more late on. Got to dust myself off for sure today if I'm going to "try again".

[Ponder]

Dude - (hope is OK to use that slang?) Is like BRO -

How about Man oh Man ... I feel ya Sal. So So glad you are still about!!! I so love how those few of us here use the forum as we do. Keep posting over me as you do as it helps me feel like I am not taking up too much space in this void yet the void really is appealing compared to those more busier places that can get so contentious. I too am about to walk out the door ... I think I will ride ...

I just wanted to clarify that I am trying as best I can over in NMP. Me taking as many words as I do might be a trigger for others is all. It kind of also makes me feel more self conscious but atm not really bothered as like you say the person I wanted to connected with touched base and that was healthy over all. I don't want to get into the whole dragging up the past and using it against people and seeing the same old forum BS being dragged on. It really seems that this world is only ever interested in the conflict which is why I guess there is SO MUCH BS on Netflix and so on.

I skimmed quickly on your thread and will be back to comment later because I am interested in what is going on for you. It's all those similarities and even the differences that give us opputitny to work through this hard assed world. Alas - I now go blow up my balloons and go show some color where the sun don't shine whilst leaning forward and riding my bike like a bat out of hell! hehe ... narrr ... I got take is slow. Back later.

Thanks for the updates. I replied again over at NMP - I also offered Nicole $100 in the section they ask for donations ... but only did so if they would consider putting in a Journal section. :)

Sorry to hear about the Distress and leaving your computer tech forum. Is indeed hard to fathom people these days with so much focus on promoting drama.

I now and dust myself off too. The phrase really makes a lot more sense these days for me. Love it.

[Ponder]

Gave up on the video editing. The amount of BS between software and file formats is making the task more of a chore than it's worth. Phone footage is even more finicky. Therefore it was enough that I went and I saw what I saw. Next time I wont mess around with portrait mode. Not much to go on about with tonight. Time for a scrub and watch some mind-numbing footage. ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Pleased to report my injury re weights is much more on the mend now. Touch wood.
Thanks for the kind words re my family. Much appreciated. The little fella is growing up so fast and the education system already having a negative effect. It saps their creativity in favor of molding them for this world's system. Winners and Losers. Users and Byproduct. Is what it is. I got a decent car and lots of things - all the things that people say makes the lucky ... luck to live in a lucky country. I'm telling you bro, when you see the true cost (and it's all around us) that kind of talk is utter BS! Society has a lot to answer for. It never will. It's a runaway train.

I found a kink today in a well meaning signature by a well meaning person. It goes a little like this:
“Don't be afraid of death; be afraid of an unlived life. You don't have to live forever, you just have to live.” - Natalie Babbitt

Allow me to highlight the conflicts:
“Don't be afraid of death; be afraid of an unlived life. You don't have to live forever, you just have to live.” - Natalie Babbitt

My Signature to match:
"Whilst no one really likes to experience pain, I do look forward to my eventual death. Living life as defined by others in a world full of shallow ideals that often thrives with the pointing of fingers through the telling's of others how it is that we should think and feel is unhelpful when proposed that we should live like so through the essence of fear." - Respectfully Imprisoned Human

I struggled to find words but know well enough what I mean. Just because I am still hear does not mean I am going to bow down to this BS way of being. Best I can say is the quote from that American Writer is rife with conditioning in the telling of how others should fear if they do not live well, simply because they must! Most likely believes for those that don't ... they die only to wake up and be judged. Judged for not living well. If it's not the fire, then it's a repeat sentence of having to come back and go through it all again. Either way I see it ... such a standard is outright abuse. I say fuck that shit! Fuck that mentality full stop. That type always loves blaming the individual rather than an abusive system. Most likely a string of religious fiber deep in her blood. If not religious, perhaps your run of the mill pursuit of happiness and white picket fenced ideals ideals. All the BS they teach their education systems, politics and constant marketing. Got to work hard for a living, get a hair cut - everyone jugging eachtoher base on their own suffering. When I was ... bla bla bla All those soldiers ... bla bla bla

BUT - fuck that world. We take what we get and learn to live with less. What is left of the land, air and see is enough for me. We still have eachtoher and for those that don't I remain open to connect. I only need one or two friends that see similar to me. Tomorrow we are taking the little/big fella out. I'm glad his intellect is not so easily spoiled.

The world has gone to shit and pretending it's not just makes that mindset look even more dysfunctional. Now I don't mind having a laugh though. Insanity from that perspective is a welcome dose.

My outlook is to endure ... nothing more. I'm sorry Sal. To me this world is a prison and nothing more. Not one of the narratives out of all I have seen has offered anything up unconditionally. Many claim they do, but they are the biggest bullshiters of all.
______________________________________



I have many tools on the ready. I just need to work on my own last appeal. As you know they have a way of sucking the joy right out of you and very much part of the prison mentality. That aside I put in a good effort today and will again tomorrow. I don't do well when I am taking meds. They might help with the odd night but in the end they fuck me up even more. I know what I got to do. FOOD is another drug I got to stop abusing. All that shit is on me. I've been letting this 'I HAVE TO LIVE' get to me. So fuck it! I am NOT going to live it! Chuckles at that. Fuck your lived life and fuck your MUST. Meh ... I say fuck it all.

The reality is my daughter wants to kill herself everyday and often yells it to our face. My autistic grandson is also having a hard time with the school and often hits out at me. My wife's illness is getting gradually worse day by day and I hate sleeping in separate rooms. I am sick of having to constantly account for a permanent condition already warranted for extra support. Just another mind fuck. I know well why my daughter wants to die, why my wife is unable to connect with me and why my grandson is loosing his creativity. Not every house is the same. Not every box is the same. It's just that those conditioned to chase deluded carrots agree with all those BS labels and judge others using those BS quotes chasing BS dreams.

Sigh ... I really need to get a grip.

All this other shit going on in the world right now? Whilst I will most likely take the jab yet remain open to the many theories, least of all mainstream puppeteers, I've had too much shit going on for way too long and really nothing has changed other than perhaps the leaders now getting caught with their pants down. A new order on top of the one that's been in place since the 70s and 2010s is taking place. I hope they get their shit together and start wiping out more people on a wider scale and that I be one of them sooner than later. Another reason I care less to take the jab. What's in our food is just as bad. Hell even the air we breathe is questionable at best. It's not so much a gamble as it is about time. Either way the world is fucked up and just like my daughter I no longer want to be here. It's not about taking people out quickly - its about making people suffer. Once you understand how the world thrives - especially the wardens ... you then understand why having such a low vibration on a mass scale is so important to them. I leave that for another time.

So ... who wants to join me for lunch?https://i.ibb.co/g3dR4VJ/Lauching.gif


I bounce back in a couple of days if I don't injure myself. Srry for the downer.

[Ponder]

When you see my next list of points re my routine. Now you now why. :)

Feel much better after my scrub. Medication makes me itch just as junk food does over time. It's a liver thing. I've compromised my organs way before my time.

There has been a lot going on Sal. My wife has to explain to her doctor how her night time pills have magically disappeared. She relies heavily on her meds for her immune system re MS. Today we had to get a lock box to lock up our meds. We have also had to get a lock for the fridge as our daughter also eats our meals. We recently bought her a fridge but she has a hard time prioritizing her benefits. It's not as easy as kicking her out. That's not who we are and we certainly not goin to preach the well lived life crap re get a job that we know she can't keep. There was already a rental crisis made worse by CV and her social profile and records are not good. So our situation is a bit stressed at the moment. Like it is at the best of times but lately ... it's very hard. I m sure we will work it out and continue to improve with enduring as we do. Its brutal on the younger ones and epically those that don't fit. Another reason I don't have time for any of the BS re the previous post. We jump the hoops as best we con together when we must, but from our perspective we do not kid ourselves re the hunger games mentality. It's getting more and more like that.

Tomorrow is Sunday morning. about 10pm now. I'll log off with the intention to clean up early and prep some space for a week of walking and some stretching for the weeks ahead. About 2 weeks from now I will try easing my way back into very light weights. I can't beleive how stubborn I am when it comes to that side of things. The bike riding is a keeper that is for sure. Balance is a huge issue of late. I know I keep saying it ... but I will try all over again re my own version of a healthy routine. My mind set may not change, but I will at least be more concise with my take on things. have you noticed how much online therapists are intellectualizing mental health atm? Just another level of how insane the world has become.

Most of my clips today that I was unable to edit were of the birds and the bees. :)

Take Care Sal ... You too Camille. Well wishes to Kirk as well and any of the other gang that might be lurking on. I hope Danuta is as well as can be so too Gypsy. I am sorry if my perspective does not match others peoples reality and somewhat bleak. I do find moments of peace!

Night Night ... ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Edit ...


https://i.ibb.co/jMRnYRP/Well-that-was-an-emotional-rollercoaster.jpg


​
NMP: Active forums sure do take a lot of effort.

Edit - New system of posting without filling up actively bar so much. I'll just try editing in the same posts until the number of characters require a new post.

I have many times spoken out against the church and religion in all it's essence, however I mean no offense in saying that. I only mean to highlight with the following how I often get a lot of wisdom, solace and good vibes watching the following guy regardless of his and I differences. I love how in tune he is with mindfulness. My last share before bed. Night night.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6roNpFz9tw

When your ready Sal - please post away and fill that active side bar up. As you know it's not a my favorite feature re this forum layout. I see how this editing method works out : )

[salvator here]

My outlook is to endure ... nothing more. I'm sorry Sal. To me this world is a prison and nothing more. Not one of the narratives out of all I have seen has offered anything up unconditionally. Many claim they do, but they are the biggest bullshiters of all. I think I would have to agree 100%.

Hope you are sleeping well, and again , thank you for all you've done to help me. I appreciate your friendship.

[Ponder]

Just about to close my eyes now. I know it's an irony that I post a link to an old man sitting in a church having just said such things. But like he says, he is not that well regarded by the heads of church for his own veiws which often define religous icons more as states of being.

Thanks for your words. That means the world to me. You will always be welcome.

EDIT - Could not sleep. Saw a question over at NMP so decided to answer it by making another video.
https://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?245937-How-I-share-Images-in-a-Forum


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVv9n43Mlro

[Enthydr]

Hey, it is nice that you are writing here. Hopefully you overcome what negative thoughts you have.

[Ponder]

Hey, it is nice that you are writing here. Hopefully you overcome what negative thoughts you have.

May I suggest reading my response to Camille. Perhaps we can talk about those ones? I wonder if you might be more open to embracing what we or others may perceive as negative thoughts; Vs overcome? At the moment I am not sure what ones you are referring too?

Could you please elaborate on which negative thoughts? I struggle with only a few words so unable to process your well meaning response.

I can validate all of my posts today as coming from the heart and resultant from the deep hearted seeking I have been doing. I have a great couple of days and could not be more content as today's postings. 100% I am enjoying finding my voice once again.

In the mean time here is a new video where I star as the main character. A REAL LIFE CHARACTER THAT I CAN CONNECT WITH. Minus the Caps - injoke.
Why Your Legal Name Is Written in All Capital Letters (https://esotericknowledge.me/why-your-legal-name-written-capital-letters/)


All good - Thanx Enthydr. Don't mind me, although I still do require a little more context when it comes to such things. But really glad you dropped in. Thanks Heaps. Embracing Fear (demons/negativity) is working atm for me. I just have to keep it balanced which is exactly what I have been doing. No light without Dark and no Dark without Light. A certainly no connection without context. That requires more contact. I hope you keep coming back.



Todays fun was moving the tramp without breaking my back or injuring my shoulder:



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cuU7yBJeeg

Hey Enthydr - You play any computer games, do art, read, chess, astronomy ...
please do consider coming back and let's touch base on a few similar interests hey?

[Ponder]

Sweet as ... got a refund from steam. I spent my fathers day gift voucher on a full pack with Civilization VI.

Hey I am sorry Enthydr if it seems I took you the wrong way. I meant not to have a go at you but was genuinely confused when you brought up the negative thoughts like that. I can only hope it was well meaning but now annoyed at myself not just leaving my thoughts be. Seriously ... don't mind me at all. I've seen you around and have often hoped we could connect more, even if we are a little different. You know I made a new friend over at No More Panic. I sent an email today and think I will follow up. I've been taking a few more chances / risks in just being me despite myself knowing I am not well understood and perhaps seen as a bit of a nutcase. Normal and over rated - but I am trying to bridge the gaps all the same. Anyways I meant what I said about connecting and all that. I just need to know more about others is all in order to do that. Takes time ... more connections. I know is not easy opening up online ... I apologies I seem not to have filters and all that. I seriously meant not to offend.

Anyways I edit this in a bit after looking at some more steam games. BRB

Well that took a while. More shit than Netflix to sort through. I ended up going with a Subscriptions Pack to Crusaders Kings II. For a small monthly fee I get access to the entire collection of DLC with is worth $450Au atm. I can use what is left in my steam wallet and cancel my subscription at any time. Now I can really play the game of society and be as cruel or kind as I wish to be. I'm betting the algorithm only rewards credulity. Alas there are people have a good go of it without all the raping and pillaging. Steep learning curve. The game is currently free and there is a good guide on learning it without all the DLC - Here (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sMtkcXS3QJM&t=213s)


https://i.ibb.co/PZkhYbb/KC2.png

I gave it a go before but just had too much going on. I think for now it will be a good thing. See what happens. Despite the subscription I will be learning with that link above.

_______________________________
________________
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_


EDIT ... In my quest to continue to participate in what looks like might be an active forum to which I am still unsure ... I cut and paste a response I made in there ... which I feel belongs here. It's an revolutionary process - nothing more. I find not right or wrongs in it ... but it felt good writing like so and sheds more a positive light on what I have been trying to say. YES - the continued writing is helping. Thanks again Enthydr ; )

In response to someone whos dealing with existential fear:

I do my best to accept fear is on the rise and in itself the key ingredient to a desired self perpetuating system. I find this aspect quite evident in many well meaning quotes that promote fear of living whilst addressing death. As in fear an unlived life Vs death. That we 'must' live ... Not to debate the message of such quote but more meaning to highlight the fear it still promotes being more my point. I'm sensing it is in the acceptance of coming to see how such a system promotes itself, where in that process of embracing said sensing that one finds open doors that lead to less chaos, conflicts and so on. It's when we start to feel more relieved, less bound and more at peace.

In the same way overcoming is sold of as conquering - it too perpetuates adversity which creates and sells a lot of games. Typically those that flood the market based on fear with a lot of hacking and slashing. So it is with all facets of culture that do more than keep us entertained. The process of identification and invested emotions being part of the conditioning system from birth to grave is a complex web indeed. Best I can say what works for me is to take what we are taught and what most people say and turn upside down and backward and read between the lines.

Overcoming comes through accepting. Success comes from failing which is overcome by accepting. I embrace that unlived life and the fear to which I am told I must experience in order that I may live. Only then does time no longer exist and all those must dos and fears fade. Giving way to a much more peaceful existence devoid of said conflict.

I really don't know and am in tune with the concept that the search for knowledge is just as plagued as the ideals often sold. I'm a slow learner but coming to see how my own resistance and the way it's prodded by a bigger picture are less important than the answers that already lay within. More over how it is that the answers are not beyond or found outside us but already within. By embracing that which is driving the insanity outside ourselves and accepting that big scary picture by coming to one's own terms seems to be key of me. Dis-identifying from the fictitious character (capitalization (https://esotericknowledge.me/why-your-legal-name-written-capital-letters/)) that is created as soon as we are born into this system is a great place to start. Don't fight it. Come to know it. Don't intellectualize it with others people word or warrant a quote because of who wrote it.

Create your own timeless world that does not rely on boundaries that we are taught to identify with, as being us, you and me. Disconnect and become your own author in order to connect. Leave the overcoming for the conquerors and enter into a more timeless world. Sigh ...

OK - reality check .. I'm off to learn how to play Kings Crusader II

hehe. It's all a game. Know your not alone and that more people are tiring of the same old movies and games. The software and programming is slowly changing - but we have to play our own parts with that changing. Respecting others peoples differences helps, but it's more helpful not to let that those differences bind us. I am not allowing myself to live in toady's PC (political correctness) world - yet find solace in learning to change the programing.

Best of luck with what games you play.

~ Ponder
__________________________________________________ _______________________________

EDIT - Back from OUT and ABOUT

Fist a bite to eat - I know - One too many : )
https://i.ibb.co/WVML5FC/One-TOO-Many.jpg

My second stop along the way with super zoom camera. Looks like it could be a father and son getting some head space. At least to me it does:
https://i.ibb.co/470tjj4/Head-Space.jpg

This was my perspective. Sitting up on an esplanade some distance away. I like the catch!
https://i.ibb.co/WsKySnC/Head-Space-Perspective.jpg

[Ponder]

Cont... from above re getting back from bicycle ride ... I was riding by and this scene just caught me eye. Snap Shot whilst I sat there listening some more to Alan Watts which I will share not before moving on with me day. This one looks better taking up the screen:

https://i.ibb.co/XWLGwcQ/LOOKING.jpg

Here it is. This lecture was really good from my perspective and everything I was saying in the last couple of posts. Yet is hard to hear unless you have heard it many times before and even then I am finding new gems all the time when I come back for more:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D9hV105I828

Back later in the evening to add edits to this ... now I have more charactoers in a new post that allows for much needed room when I wish for it. asljf;slakdjf;laskdjf;laskdjf;laskdj : ) -

[Ponder]

Meanwhile the world carries on.

I remember looking for my Dad when I was four years old. I'd open the door to the truck and step out and climb down the ladder,
walk past the bottlo "That's Keny's Kid isn't it?" I then walked around the front street and into the front door of the pub ...
looking up past the stool looking for the man with the long white beard. "That's Keny's Kid isn't it?"

Gif should be loaded now. Glad I can laugh about it now. : )

https://i.ibb.co/d7tmWrC/Just-For-Laughs-Small.gif

[Ponder]

Struggling to get back into the swing of things. Ate KFC today. Not a good sign for me presently. My wife got sick from it. I am bloated as and my skin crawling again. I'm not drawing yet. Going to pack those things up and put to the side for now. Weekend is about on us so just going to wind down with some sensibility hoping to go back into yet another Monday of 'Here we go again!' with the withdrawals from coffee, sugar, salt, bread and you know the drill.

I've been learning the PC Game Crusader Kings 2 and still having trouble adding another game to my collection that is not the usual crap I find on Netflix.

Oh yea ... I've still been spamming 'Just For Laughs' which has not yet gotten old. Even when you know most are acting - it still has a positive effect ... at least for me of late.


____________________
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_

https://i.ibb.co/fFgD4pm/Just-For-Laughs-Unfaithful.gif

[Ponder]

Hmm some thoughts I came up with from somewhere else - I cut and past then think some more as interested in such:

People of all ranks labels and mindsets are going batty.
I would ensure that any film we create on current issues highlight all facets of insanity and not just one group. Moreover, highlight the way in which such limiting mindsets seek to divide and conquer.
Global Corporations implementing 'The' One World Order that's been on the books since the 50's after WW2
Milatrary Think Tanks experimenting with chemical weapons/'tools'
World nations centralizing power on Local Levels under the same OWO/UN agenda.
News Reporters creating topics designed to divide
Lower class, upper class does not matter ... they all wave flags based on topics of life long ideals that they have been forced fed and have more endured than ever really understand.
Flag Flyers on all levels screaming hatred towards those not under their banner or simply not subscribed to one doctrine or the other.
Key workers not invested being demoted where those indoctinated up their level of biased thinking with those in the middle more depressed then when trump was in. Not that I or millions of others really cared. All sides on the front amount to the same thing. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/christian/jesus-leading-flock-of-sheep-smiley-emoticon.gif

With all that mass control going on in the background I would focus on the advances currently being the made behind the curtain of main stream media ... regarding the technical sciences that most drones are not considering; too busy uploading. CV is shadowing a space race with lots of controversy. Then there is the narrative about America's struggle to maintain it's dominance ... a desperation on their part to start yet another war. Possibly WW3. Has to be in the movie as current affairs has plenty for a script. On the other hand - China is simply focused on moving forward and doing so at a very VERY fast rate and doing so with success!

Other events/advances include Neuralink and Starlink Sat tech makes for a very VERY interesting surrogates styled theme/genre. You know ... the movie with Bruce Willis. Wireless technology as much as they wish to play it down and as much as society wants it for convenience sake, (← a mindset deeply imprinted) that opens up doors to some really interesting narratives with such rapidly evolving and implemented tech all combined with the space race now going on + of course CV drama being just one of many ploys used over hundreds of years for something always bigger going on. (CV context nothing to do with real or not - that's just a welcomed distraction which make it the ploy)

I absolutely agree that a movie should be done. One that embraces many of the 'theories' and most of all especially those that would be powers and the masses of drones compulsively deny. I would even put in a an extrateristal presence which brings to mind that amount of focus now being disclosed from the US military and their main stream puppets - but go one further and make that more about interdimensional perspectives. This facet should also highlight the same deception and perception management as above with all kinds of cults and chaos in that mass of drones. Lets not forget religion as well but may use that to open up some more enlightening aspects of hope that tie back into the interdimensional port holes now popping up with whatever mind opening lingering ending?

Graphically the Poster for the Movie should lead with an enlarged Sci-Fi looking syringe with a green glowing liquid of who knows what. Decaled around the syringe could be Elon Musk's new Mars Rocket, his 40,000 Starling Satellites and Emanating from behind the syringe should be Elon's most prized creation his Neuralink Brain chip! On the sides we can also have a world map depicting US staging forces (black uniforms of course with their now Space Force logo but more depicted as SS) to which are now in place all around China's off shore perimeters. Will need images of China's glowing success of moon and mars landers + new space station with their just released statement about their manned mission to the moon. It's especially important to show the China flag and both the moon and mars with the US aggressively seeking war. Lastly graphics of interdimensional ETs, earth cults and government alien disclosures somewhere in all that.

TITLE? hmmmmmmmm I think I shall call it - I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA.

I am still trying to fathom how much of all that has come to a POINT (play of words thinking about that syringe) in just the last two years! The technological advances currently in place seemingly building up in terms of mass control which I suspect could be linked to digitized pharmaceuticals, implants and enhanced worldwide wireless control. The mind boggles with just how much things have changed. David Adembra came into this world when there was 2 billion and now its nearly 8 billion and he is still breathing. I sure as hell hope I am not here when it's 12 billion (as is experientially increasing) as I think I am only a little over half Adembra's age ... well ... that story and context is more about how much the world has lost to it's so called advances which is another level of the movie I would be sure to incorporate. Perhaps that being some kind of message coming from the interdimensional port hole that the Americans wish to destroy it in their conquest to rule the world in the same way they are currently demonizing and beating the war drums against China for their own success in rising to power and so on. Just so many ways to go about it ... but yea ...

That's how my movie would go with no attempt to sell one way of being Vs the other ... other than just expose this earth and it's era for the Chaos and toxicity that goes far beyond the staging ground of whatever virus ...

What do you think? How long to make that movie and what kind of budget we need?

EDIT → Food for thought - currently Falcon 9 rockets on average have been delivering 60 star link satellites pre-launch and have been launching close to every two weeks. His next rocket rapidly under development as I type being the Starship which will ride on the back of Super Heavy (more than Twice as powerful as the Saturn V rocket -) will unload 400 satellites per launch with projected faster turnaround time from weeks to days. Massive changes are coming and I for one as enamoured with the tech am just as worried as the implications that Einstein considered when assisting with the atomic bomb.

"I fear the day technology will surpass human interaction. The world will have a generation of idiots." - although that statement somewhat altered pretty much sums up my thoughts where idiots are pretty much bots programed by psychopaths'.

[Ponder]

My closing thoughts for the day whilst still enduring this plain ... is just how vast a realm that one be that which encompasses psychopaths and the insanity that plagues this earth and how that in itself be the very source of power that drives our wheels. In terms of Alan Wats and his lecture 'The Difference Between You And Your Ego' as linked a few posts above, the matrix narrative gives way to a more spiritually woven philosophical take on Yin and Yang where the content is secondary to that of the whole. When I say 'gives way' I do not mean to imply that the prison planet soul sapping theory is incorrect by any means at all. The context in giving way, more meaning that the spiritualist philosophy gives reason as to why there is a dark source that exits at all. I'm just not sure it holds water in terms where many of the whole take that to mean we need or justification the presence of evil at all in order to experience peace. The whole "you can't have the dark without the light or vise versa" makes sense enough at the level of seeing, but at the level of suffering it's a rickety scale for sure. Pain and Pleasure - yadda yadda. The varying degrees of reasoning typically the same pending one's level of progression in this game/play/prison/school or whatever. The examples of thought themselves typical to one's progressed level. None of which by the way appear to offer any escape - unless found by simply playing along and staying in your matrix pod. Chuckles on that one as my laughter implies I'm picking sides. Whilst I don't know either way, yes it does feel like there is a system very much that is all about conquering, oppression and control. Today it is administered differently than hundreds to thousands of years ago, but still very much the same in terms of suffering.

Yawns - big day learning how to be deceitful and killing in the name of progress in Kings Crusaders II so that my lands will grow - has been draining work.

Until next post. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Cheap as chips and real fun to play:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YI1fLFEc-A4

It's not perfect but has way more pros than cons. It also plays well and looks slick on a 32:9 Monito (super ultrawide) and works well with an XboxOne controller.

You can pick it up on Steam for approx. $5 Australian *Whilst on sale.

[Ponder]

Off for a morning ride. The world might of gone to shit, but I'm OK with making do in my own space. No one is stopping anyone from creating their own. Is all in the VOID.

Halfway through a tutorial in learning Crusaders King 2 which has been a huge effort. I have made plenty of note but feeling bogged down so sense the morning break in the sun will do me some good. Then I come back and start learning some more. I'm trying not to give up as getting frustrated because I want to play rather than learn. Something like that. Everyone want's to be king I guess. The realization of just how self centered we really be is very much in this game. My first priority when I get back is to spread dissent then wait for a cause for war!

Business as usual. Oh how I relish hating this world.
___
Edit ... One hour later - Outdoor skirmish completed - mid morning gaming session earned! Will contemplate midday excursion.

;)

[Ponder]

The Digitization of Society in the Midst of Another Digital Boom:


Wired or not, amounts to the same thing. 2021 & Advancing.
But @ What Cost?
https://i.ibb.co/hmmfLMm/Digitization.png


I never grew up in a wireless age as it's known now. Microwaves hit mainstream market in 1967 (https://www.google.com/search?q=what+year+did+microeaves+hit+the+market&rlz=1C1YTUH_en-GBAU967AU967&oq=what+year+did+microeaves+hit+the+market&aqs=chrome..69i57.8938j0j15&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8) only two years before I was born in 1969; Five months (https://www.google.com/search?q=when+did+man+land+on+the+moon&rlz=1C1YTUH_en-GBAU967AU967&oq=when+did+man+land+on+the+moon&aqs=chrome.0.0i512l10.6203j0j15&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8) before the history books recorded the landing of two humans on the moon. I'm sure many of you have heard about how the size of computers back then being the equivalent to todays phones, but taking up the space of a full size room. What I am acutely mindful of that perhaps today's younger generations are not so aware of, (including many of us that have forgotten) is the pace at which this tech has evolved and the negative impact I have both seen and experienced regarding human interaction. The first cell phone ever invented (https://versus.com/en/news/cell-phone-history) was a Motorola DynaTAC 8000X back in 1973. The phone was priced at $3,995, USD which is the equivalent of $10,000 USD today. This was the first time a digital phone signal was sent through the air via the ARPANET (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ARPANET) system,



Phone tech had not evolved that much over the next 12 years as check out the size of this next phone that was released in 1985

Click → here (https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Fc8.alamy.com%2Fcomp%2F GC8D82%2Ftechnics-telephone-mobile-phone-siemens-mobile-phone-c2-one-of-the-GC8D82.jpg&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.alamy.com%2Fstock-photo-technics-telephone-mobile-phone-siemens-mobile-phone-c2-one-of-the-110824114.html&tbnid=oagkloC4w1XH0M&vet=12ahUKEwiSqozUp_7yAhUVD3IKHRWZBwYQMygaegUIARCI AQ..i&docid=rypqZ_Eniq2_xM&w=890&h=1390&q=Siemens%20Mobiltelefon%20C1%20price&ved=2ahUKEwiSqozUp_7yAhUVD3IKHRWZBwYQMygaegUIARCIA Q)to see it in it's suit case form

https://i.ibb.co/k1JmPsx/suitcase-phone.png



Cellphones never become popular until the 1990s and even then they were the size of BRICKS. Whilst the so called space race is said of triggered a rapid technological advance from the analog into the digital (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Analog-to-digital_timeline) age, this evolutionary pace has not been as exponential as it has been today. I will also add that whilst today in our current year of Coran Virus, that one itself being one for the history books, there is also another so called space race going on between China & the US. The US military in strength is currently encircling China's Boarder regions. This has many people all across the world very concerned. Even those within the US.

Its the digitization currently booming right now that has my attention in the midst of what does indeed, seem to be another 1969 space boom all over again. Although somewhat overshadowed with so many other distractions that people did not have back then. Allow me to share two images that shows clearly the way in which people today are fed their News ... Or should I say their instructions?


https://i.ibb.co/8P6HPHx/Digital-age-1.jpg https://i.ibb.co/bWFn6hP/digital-age-2.jpg

Before moving on. I think the context of what I am saying is lost because I allowed those Memes to stay as is. There are two ways to view those above images re the digitized age. [Not my Memes by the way - I require more words to make a point & find Memes more hostile than anything else]

The first way to view it: The Meme's (Words on Images) I left because it shows a Divide that's deeply embodied within today's social media. To me the one on the left shows just how disjointed & disgruntled older people can be towards younger generations while that on the right, the depressing realization of today's reality no matter one's age. This issue effects everyone no matter what group or age.

The second way to view it: Take away the Meme and what do you see? I'll go with college based geographic location for these photos taken and whilst yea, it makes sense that individuals born 20 years ago (give or take) are of course going to be entrenched like so. It's all this sector & my kids have ever known. The latter being the essence of what I share and in context with the post.

Here is the kicker - the eye opener as I see it. The phones back in the 90's where very much still bricks and the gaming consoles only capable of reproducing X,Y & Z pixels. Let's say most in the pics above are in their 20s - Hell, that's only 10 years they were born after those phones the size of bricks and gaming consoles with large blocky pixels. The pace in 15 years from the 1990 - 2005 was insane in terms of computer technology and I was a part of that as built all my own computers and still do. The pace evened out thereafter but was and has still been rapidly evolving behind the scenes where marketing now stockpiles and releases slower for economic reasons. There are also control reasons why tech is held back but that is another story and not one involving a tin foil hat. : D - BUT yea - the rapid growth in technology in the last 30 years is quite insane and it's about to take another giant leap with huge consequences for society. At least from my perspective and as alluded to here.

Point & Case - we have all been hooked! Meme on the right is starting to make more sense, although relates to us all and not just one group. Everyone is as good as chipped. Now I mean not to imply any less of those born into the wireless age which is a zone all in itself, but I think this delivery I am making here will hit home for those around my age who's childhood did not revolve around a smart phone and internet connection. That said, this digitized age we ALL now find ourselves in [very much embodied with the very first image of this post] and with current events being as I have outlined above - one can only imagine what is to come next and just how quick this next evolution will take place.

Edit - once again before I move on - this take really sheds light on my thinking when I talk about 'perception management' re the hierarchy structure of society in terms of corporations, governments and media outlets of all kinds. How this trickles down into education and entertainment with the digitization of peoples relations playing a very large role. The phycology and marketing ploys something that those who've been around have also seen evolve though software and applications changes and the inbuilt narratives/pop ups/tick boxes ... that go come with each years device and all relative to the advancing tech. Those born into it will never know unless they heed what con-text remains from those who write about this process of control. Very interesting stuff. In this light I see society degrading in a much more potent way. Just think of how much we had already lost before we were born and what our great, great, great grandparents saw before the world wars, although that pace of change somewhat slower compared to today. Much is still the same, but this evolution we are living though is altogether on another level where the advance cybernetic wearable tech is outpacing multiple generations within one life time and thus validates the concerns of Einstein and other great scientist regarding humans inability to keep up ...

Einstein passed away (https://www.google.com/search?q=when+did+einstein+die&rlz=1C1YTUH_en-GBAU967AU967&sxsrf=AOaemvL9yrS5VPMudewMKMnZlCigIRluQg%3A1631623 696434&ei=EJpAYcr5GdH8rQGhz6-gCw&oq=when+did+eintst&gs_lcp=Cgdnd3Mtd2l6EAEYADIJCAAQDRBGEPsBMgQIABANMgQ IABANMgQIABANMgQIABANMgQIABANMgQIABANMgQIABANMgQIA BANMgQIABANOgcIABBHELADOgQIIxAnOgUIABCRAjoECAAQQzo LCAAQgAQQsQMQgwE6DgguEIAEELEDEMcBEKMCOgoIABCxAxCDA RBDOgUIABCABDoICAAQsQMQgwE6CAgAEIAEEMkDOgUIABCSAzo KCAAQgAQQRhD7AToECAAQCjoGCAAQFhAeSgUIOhIBMUoECEEYA FDTVFjCZmDV4QVoAHACeACAAZYCiAHkF5IBBjAuMTEuNJgBAKA BAcgBCMABAQ&sclient=gws-wiz) just as the digital revolution was getting started (https://www.google.com/search?q=when+was+digital+technolgy+invented&rlz=1C1YTUH_en-GBAU967AU967&oq=when+&aqs=chrome.0.69i59l3j35i39j69i57j0i67l5.2492j0j15&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8) ...

"I fear the day when the technology overlaps with our humanity. The world will only have a generation of idiots." Albert Einstein - [ I know - sorry I can't help but keep bringing up that quote : D - Replace idiots with BOTs. This includes all of us. So nothing personal.]
Technologists dislike this quote and whilst they have debunked as in not being worded like so (https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/einstein-technology-quote/) by Einstein himself, the way I look at it, it's very relevant to this post.

[Ponder]

Morning Drama - Dog Attack ... I'll just attach the statement and photos with some filtering and smudging for legal reasons more than anything else:
_______________________
I Bla bla bla of bla bla bla was riding my bike at approx. 9:00am of the 15th of Septh 2021 mounted a gutter off bla bla bla with my bicycle to make a turn and enter into a reserve/lake area. Please refer to the provided map.

https://i.ibb.co/5sHDhNq/Map.jpg

Two dogs appeared out of nowhere barking aggressively at me. They stopped their advance but continued barking wildly when I stopped riding my bicycle. Unsure what to do, whilst they kept wildly barking, I dismounted from my bike, but as soon as I did, they rushed towards me snapping towards the front wheel of my bike. Before they could quite reach it, I jumped back on my bike yelling out loudly. The black dog that is possibly a Kelpie Cross Bread
backed away whilst the blue heeler stood his ground but no longer barking or snapping. I yelled out again, both the dogs then retreated into a shed that had gym equipment.

I decided not to go that way and instead headed off down bla bla drive. When I later came back about 20 minutes later, I saw a young girl walking by. It was then I decided to knock on the front door of bla bla bla to inform them of what just took place and my intent to make a formal complaint.

I knocked on the door and waited. There was a car present but nobody answered. I realise the resident since being contacted about this incident stated that he was at the shop whilst the attack took place. I have to question that whilst the shop is within walking distance accounting for the car being present, why would anyone leave their shed door open with gym equipment and other valuables in plain sight of passersby's, not to mention having dogs. This is not the first time I have seen this shed open with no one present when passing by.

https://i.ibb.co/YBn24Nr/Lake.jpg

https://i.ibb.co/Jtd8M2s/House.jpg

I decided to go home and grab a camera and take photos to assist in my report and also help me remember what address as I was then struggling to remember as somewhat extremely anxious and shaken from the event.
I would like to note that I have seen this gate left open a number of times before with nobody around when passing by, but this being the first time I saw the dogs and was attacked. To me this classifies as an attack causing fear and trauma and that the dogs actually ran towards me with the intent to cause harm and in my opinion would have done so If had not responded as described.

https://i.ibb.co/4f27FG6/One-of-the-dogs-that-attacked-me.jpg
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LOL what can I say. The other dog did not come back out. That one there be the blue heeler. They actually make good pig dogs. I have a hole in my right leg from one, some 30 odd years ago when working on a cattle station way up in north Queensland. I was just new on the scene where that dog at the time just thought he would let me know I was in his space. Blue heelers do a have a rep for biting at the best of times; but when you least expect it. The black dog not picture was actually the wilder of the two. A council official turned up at my house to take the complaint. She took photos of mine from my computer screen to date them with her own setup and formalities and took the above statement and made it official by way of printing out, slapping on stickers and having me sign across the page and sticker.

... and that was my relaxing morning bike ride along the lake. Laughs out loud. What a fucking morning. I think I will go out and try one more time ... although now just past lunch.

Hope you guys are having a better day. ; )

[Ponder]

If it’s not some guy with a pick axe out my front door, it’s two pissed off working dogs pent up in a suburban yard who’ve been let out whilst the own wanders off to the nearest shop. All good - is life in the suburbs as usual. Praise the Lord. Sadly, these dogs make for good icons on the back of pickup trucks but the town dwellers fail to understand the appropriates needs of such rural breeds. Generally, they require about 100 suburban yards to roam around in order to regulate. To be honest I know how they feel and don’t blame the dogs at all. I mean not to be critical of the owner either, but merely state the facts as I did in today’s report which I feel had to be made given the circumstances and risk to others.

Life goes on – I managed a couple more photos for the day as I gave venturing out into the wild one more try. : D - This time literally shooting the breeze sitting on a bench with the sun out in front and to my left as is more a late afternoon shot.


https://i.ibb.co/5GHDt9b/Beach-2.jpg

This one the park land adjacent the beach:

https://i.ibb.co/WpMCdWH/Beach-Park.jpg

Well that's another day done. Despite this mornings drama now all over with, I'm grateful I am making the effort to keep getting out of the house. My previous post about the digitization of society I enjoy very much. I'd love to continue but today's excitement and push to get back out has exhausted me. I think I will watch a video and go to bed and prep for whatever awaits tomorrow.

All is as good as can be - ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Night Night.

[Ponder]

Internet Speech Will Never Go Back to Normal. (https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2020/04/what-covid-revealed-about-internet/610549/) Very interesting article that explains a lot. The algortytm/s are set to become even more controlling and will not be easing up anytime soon. Is getting harder for me to find content that offers up anything different than the usual garbage that those in control don't mind us seeing.

In other news ...

I've been asked to build a $6,000,au Computer. Just the box! This should be fun. That's about what I spent on mine when I got my small payout a couple of years ago. I'm not sure now is a good time to buy as prices are very high. Unfortanley just like with the controls on speech, I don't think we are returning to that previous world. I best start making a list. If I am quick about it and he can order the parts sooner than later, we can build it together when we go away next month. lucky bastard! hehe. At any rate this will be a fun project I can start today.

That's about it ... I should go for a ride though and get some sun.

[Ponder]

I thought about uploading a photo of something nice I ate but then I saw this:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uSh5voSUhrs

[Ponder]

Been busy messing about recording and uploading a few quality tests of a tomb raider game 'definitive edition'

Here is a 16:9 1080P quick Benchmark of the game that should look OK on a 1080P Native Screen: All recordings are done on the same PC as I am playing. This impacts the game play somewhat and or the recordings are not quite as smooth as in-game ... that said, my PC did a good job all things considered.

Just click on the video frame bellow to see that one: Unfortanley there's a fair bit of image degradation during the YouTube upload. Good enough for a quick watch though for those interested.

https://i.ibb.co/pKCW0L1/Shadow-Tomb-Raider-Definitive-HD-Benchmark-mp4-snapshot-02-28-485.jpg (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cQhfggmrpA8)


The next one is a link to the same size format but a longer playthrough with me having no idea what I am doing. No commentary:
The image quality seem to upload not too bad on this one, although is dark in some places which is my error during recording. That said the lighting is really great in many sections of this one.

Just click on video frame bellow: Not sure what she is looking at or thinking about there?

https://i.ibb.co/rQkcdjF/Shadow-Tomb-Raider-Definitive-HD-RTX2080-mp4-snapshot-05-06-970.jpg (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Biiuyr9-_Mo&t=489s)


I'll post a couple of 32:9 Super Ultra Wide clips as well, however I'll just text link a clip of me playing on my 32:9 monitor so you can get a better feel for what it looks like to actually play with such a wide monitor. I absolutely love it! Waring a headset for VR Goggles might be immersive, however doing that for hours everyday is pretty bad for the eyes let alone for the brain. That said, I am getting a good does of radiation to be sure sitting in front of my monitor as is. In this clip I am just playing a new survival game called Valheim. Like the tomb raider one I have no idea what I am doing. The camera I am using is also not that great with dynamic range so the image is quite dark in some areas and quality grain. That said it shows clearly the immersion factor which is why I am including that link. The following 32:9 game clips will not show the same way they do for my monitor unless you have one. If not, the text link I now show will give a better idea of why I play super ultrawide like so:

What's it look like to play on a 32:9 Monitor → Here (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=64-qjOIHYmo)

It really does such that I can't find a game as graphical and immersive as these on a AAA level without having to constantly kill.

Here is the 32:9 Benchmark of Tomb Raider:
Is actually a nice smooth result ... I was happy with that result as turning up the AA like I did saps the card at this resolution. Just a little over 2K resolution I beleive being super ultrawide and all. I much prefer the super widescreen aspect ratio over 16:9. Again just click on image to see that video

https://i.ibb.co/qdkvwVm/Shadow-Tomb-Raider-Definitive-Benchmark-3840-X1080-mp4-snapshot-01-29-798.jpg (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j2YsS2lPfJE)


This is the 32:9 playthrough - without AA setting and looks pretty clean despite being overly sharp giving off a lot of unwanted sparkles here and there. I had no idea how to climb the rock and next time I might turn up the brightness levels although I do love the light in the dark feeling with this one:

https://i.ibb.co/K2r34nw/Shadow-Tomb-Raider-Definitive-3830-X1080-NOAA-mp4-snapshot-15-32-364.jpg (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oxWv1FtQg7s&t=262s)

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Big Day Today. Time to overhaul my room and in that process de-dust my computer. Doing so can be a major overhaul as I usually brake down my parts to get all the dust out. I can't believe how used I got to my PC sitting in the corner without noticing just how bad it was getting re the dust. And that is off the floor with vacuuming twice a week. That said it's been like 12 months since I did it last instead of my usual 3 months. All good though. Temps have been good as far as the parts go and they have come up looking pretty good! I am really bushed ... going to have a late night wash and see if I can sleep. I guess the slide show I made is already turning over. If you missed the start it wont take long for it to start again. I figured doing it this way was better as you can only link 4 images per post. This way I can show more in the one post. Tomorrow I have more to do with my com and also continue sorting out my room.

Until next one:


https://i.ibb.co/BGNgGy7/Cleaning-Dust-from-my-Computer.gif

[Ponder]

HUGE DAY again. Today I took out all the dust screening behind that various top, front and under brackets and restored those to as new. I also took out the system fans bar one that otherwise needed the motherboard pulling out. I cleaned that fan well enough. Pulling the motherboard out involves a lot of rewiring and cable management. Given that the dust was very dry and no moisture present, once I brushed and blew out the interior the system was more then clean enough to warrant leaving the motherboard in place. All the in/outs back to new as well. I was actually surprised just how well it call came up and very relieved I could get by without having to to a full system breakdown. That said, I'll do just that next time around and work out a better system of cable management on the back panel. That said, I've got it well enough that air flow and little cable is present where it matters in the front of case. Pics another time as I am yet to reinstall CPU cooler and GPU.

I also manage to rearrange my bedroom. I moved my bed further away from the computer I have a little more space to breath kind of thing. I still have two tables but worked out something a little more efficient in terms of space. Whilst the house I live in ATM is big, I have others taking up what's left in the the house so all I really have in my one room for all my personnel computer activities when not building for others. I do that in another designated space.

Yadda yadda ...

So yea hey ... no one wants to join on in with the forum in any section. I kind of get it. I'll move on as I normally do when the time is right and no doubt others will come back as is the pattern to chime on on their own level whatever the be. No ill meaning in that. I relly don't know why it is like that but is as it be. For now I will continue in my stride and see where this leads.

I do do well fleshing things out like so. It's a lonely world to be sure, but no sense in trying to pretend or please others. Although pretending to self can work at times. As long as the next time I pretend my should is fine I don't break it again. I wonder when I can return to weights or if I should even try. It's on my mind as I continue to do all the wrongs things with my eating and drinking. Still getting sun regardless but would do well to get back on my bike.

YAWNS ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Tomorrow:
Therapist - Support hours - finish room and reinstall hardware into my main computer. Go for walk - get sun - drink more water. Get more sleep.

ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz

The VOID is OK ... all good. ZZzzzz

[Ponder]

Glad that is over with. Had to be done though. The internals are once again as new. Just have to add the power supply cover and hope I connected all the wires into the right motherboard headers. It was good that I took a couple of days to do it. Top cover, rear and underneath are all as polished as the front grill. I/O /Connecters all free of dust. I did this just in time as summer here brings a LOT of humidity and that would of set the dust in like crust if I had not caught it in time.

https://i.ibb.co/C77j8Vz/0-Squeeky-Clean.jpg
________________________
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Hooray! First go and we have lift off! Cable management is above acceptable. Power supply cover helps to contain and eject its own heat source as well as and keep above air pressure better regulated. The front radiator fans brings air in whilst the top fans help eject the hot air out. The rear fan assisting with that as well. All up it's a fairly clean build all up and great case for my needs. Temps are all A+

https://i.ibb.co/T4Kq3q5/1-Power-supply-conver-on.jpg

___________________________
_______________________
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One last closer look at my handy work. I've thinking about saving for my next graphics card but doubt I will be getting a ROG STRIX again as the price on that branding is insane Vs the exact performance of others. Also I an not a fan of the Asus Software when it comes to light control and or anything for that matter as a lot of Asus software conflict with just about everything. Yadda Yadda. For now ... my system is more than good enough. Looking after it like this will ensure it keeps me happy for some time to come.

https://i.ibb.co/jW1m0YX/3-Power-ON-Clean-GPU.jpg

__________________________________________
________________________________
______________________
__________
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The other thing I did which took all weekend was clean up my room and move things around for a better feel. I've got enough room to now move my com chair to the side pushing in to make way for one of the low lying outdoor lounge chairs so I can watch whatever in peace during the day during those times I am not playing with my grandson and he is tearing up the loungeroom. lol Chuckles at not only that but how I also lost my TV time to a marathon of Bob Square Pants and all other like wise things. School holidays are on and I really needed to up my game re my retreat. That said we go beach tomorrow hopefully in one of out well know secluded spots. I'm really knackered now. Might grab the outdoor lounge chair and kick back with something or other. It's been a productive weekend with a good start to the week.

Next target is just a huge. To reinstall windows 10 on both my laptop and my desktop PCs. But for now I need to take a well earned break. I might do a couple more benchmark tests to before testing my new recording setup. No rush. Just going to have to make sure I get out for fresh air from time to time because now it really is tempting just to stay in my room with this current setup.

Cable management inside my computer is better than in my room. lol. I'll have to work on that. Nothing a USB hub and a longer DP cable can't fix. But *&^% it - I'm impressed enough.
https://i.ibb.co/VBkg6V8/4-New-bedroom-setup.jpg

Until next post.

[Ponder]

I got caught up in the following graphically intense phycological horror game - I made a seven minute clip that details the 1st major encounter. I figured since the most graphical games mostly include violence, may as well have a decent sitting. It was actually quite riveting for the video game.



Hellblade Senua's Sacrifice Cinematics 1st Encounter
No Commentary:
https://i.ibb.co/0thS3m3/Hellblade.jpg (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DYiZVLJInVg)

[Ponder]

Enough playing games. At least for this very moment. Last night I literally went back in time and whilst my memory is quickly degrading and I attempt to make sense of it all, I'll do what I can to make this post more about the essence of what I saw; what I felt felt. Lest my attempt comes off as deceiving verses accepting. It's so much harder now that my body is awake, to focus with unobstructed intention as to what I was then observing, sensing, connecting. To that which I was so willing / allowing. Damn it! That connection now broken. I really should of just got up instead of going to sleep. YET - there is something weird about the way I be. That something which yearns to remain free and strives to reject all that this world has to offer. It might account to some degree and give reason to whatever revelations I'm still processing. It's frustrating at best, knowing just how many distractions we suffer when in a waking state and just how addictive and designed those be. GGGGrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr It was such a nice dream and to truly escape despite the deeply felt loneliness ... there was really something to be had from that dream.

Like right now, I look out into the main of this forum and can't help but sense just how alone I really be. I concede that I'm acutely aware that for whatever reason, there are the bots ... also called people, that no matter how I presently perceive, that moreover ... there is this ever present algorithm that facilitates a format, in a way the does more to feed desires and wants, than it does to promote any kind of personally accepted connection. I also acknowledge the zero responses and zero postings and how this current state of flux plays into the void ... that I am myself directly experiencing. It's OK! I think that fact very much be fundamental to the way in which many of us process this time line and how in that, that so many of us feel separate. This being very more the case when in the presence of each other. Yet to be so close and so distant whilst being pulled in separate directions as was the dynamic the more I closed the gap to making sense of last's night’s dream and also as it be right here and right now.

That's it - best I can do. The more I cling to details, the more I seek the story, the more any sense of freedom starts to wane.
______________________________________________

I went back in time in (probably my best ever lucid state I have ever been) and have come back to see just how out of place this world is and all those in it really be. I really feel the details at this point are as distracting as any would-be programmer would have us beleive. I'm all about how not to be influenced and very much going in an opposite direction to everything and everyone around me ... in this ... whatever.

Alas I am still here. Until next post.

[Ponder]

I'm just coming up for air but really need to slow down. I've finished the heaving researching campaign in order to get the most appropriate computer parts for my friend's upcoming build. Four thousand dollars so far not even counting the monitor and graphics card. His graphics card he is getting this week some time. Another three and a half grand. The PC market is insane with prices atm and sadly this whole covid BS seem to be dragging on more for the exploitation of upscaled prices throughout all facet of the consumer chain. Hell ... our rent went up fifty dollars a week! Like I am only building this computer for my friend, not buying it. He owns a successful business and no doubt deserves his dream PC but at the end of the day, I and my wife are just pensioners living off our wits with buying and selling over the years with family helping out here and there. That said, a fifty dollar a week rise in rent we have never ever seen in our life time at all. I've said it before and I;ll say it again, the response to covid is more toxic than the virus itself.

Now I'm not angling to pick a side to that drama either way. God forbid! But the fallout surrounding covid is full of sharks everywhere. What families are left together down in the lower sector really need to huddle together. Not something we folk in the west are akin to. Thankfully my wife and I have been big on that. Our daughter is chipping in - she has too or we need to get a border in and she knows it. To be fair she has it pretty good as far as a a roof over the head, an extra fridge, aircon bedroom, free power, internet and all that. Once and a while I'll drive by the rest area that's turning out to be more like a homeless shelter and point them out to her. I only gently remind her about how lucky we really are and she knows well my backstory and has a bit of her own which is why she is still with us. It's fucking hard on the young one. I've said that many times now. It's true. The world is full of nazis living all around us. The US and its allies have pretty much indoctrinated that mentality in a roundabout way but I won't go there anymore than what some of you probably already get.

arrr fuck it ... I've done well enough to keep myself from too much exposure of late. You got to love that online shopping! Even if you go to pick it up at least that's still less time out in the maze!

So what else is happening? Hmmm I ended up reinstalling windows on both my PCs BUT do you think I could work out the Ethernet LAN Network. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr So many glitches with the updates dropping and conflicting with the ethernet connection. Requires resetting the TCP/IP and all the *&^ing rest. Sigh ... Looks like I will have to research a PCIe option for recording instead. I think it might even be as lossless of over the Lan re OBS. Yadda yadda ... gobbledygoo. I've also been overclocking my computer for the fun of it. Looking into water cooling Vs maybe just upgrading my GPU ... although nothing near what my friend is buying. You lucky bastard BEN! hahahahaaaaaa. Narrr is all good. I will enjoy the build and it's only fair that he should take the lead. I don't think I will be catching him any time soon but will enjoy straggling behind with some bling bling in my computer case instead.

Well I got a lot to do to bring both my PCs back up to scratch with all the software and so on. yet I just let that happen naturally. I really need the head space tomorrow.

The last two times my therapist was not available and that was perfectly fine. It will be good to catch up not having seen him so often this time. ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz

Hope I sleep well tonight. I'm conceding to that fact I have done a really good job for my friend and in that process brought myself up to speed on PC hardware in 2021. Although now I am spurred on for a bit of a minor upgrade myself I just want to go back to the experience of playing the games. Heads Ups ... The PC world with its software and hardware is starting to do what phone companies do with obsolescence. That's another thing I learned from my most recent spout of PC/Software this year. I know it's always been around, but the speed at which they are doing it now is a bit of a worry in terms of 'The Gap' between the classes and so on. I guess it's easy to see with many facets on Youtube. People doing self promotional videos living it up in their big boats, RVs, flying first class with a $20,000 fair one way and all that.

Yea ... I think there really is something to that 'keep it simple; stupid!' mindset when it comes to what we already have.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzz I'm still looking for a game I can sink my teeth into without killing anyone. Is so hard when looking for a nice graphical one that is not an indie or cartoon. Not that I don't like those games. I do and have a few. A new farming simulator is about to be relased soon but I just don't know. I might go back to star citizen for some exploration and avoid the greifers as best I can. I'm sure I will be back to hacking and slashing in one variant of diablo or another soon enough.

righto ... I'm about to drop off my perch now.

Peace as best any of us can find it. ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Night night.

[Dahila]

Hi I did not read the posts, but all pictures are incredible, Did I ask you Dave why you did not become professional photographer? You are much better that the professionals I know. Much better,

[Ponder]

Hi D, it's really great to see you again. Many others have asked about you and wishing you well. You have been on my mind from time to time; fond memories re many of our chats.

Thank you for the kind words about my photography potential. There was a time I could of gone down that route but for the same reason it takes me so many words, photography can become a bit of a trap. I find the technicality to it, detracts an otherwise fantastical experience that I often found and occasionally still do at times that I enjoy losing myself in. These days I just enjoy using cheap cameras and or my phone without too much focus on gloss. The amount of gear I have in my room is hard enough but when into photography like I used to be, well let's just say my camera gear was too much for me to keep a track of. Getting harder for me as I get older. A recent test I did regarding my level of diagnosis/s has shown my cognitive ability to be more than a decade in front. I'm still clued in, but very fragmented in the way I think when under pressure. The other thing about professional photography is the competitiveness as it relates to this day and age. Everyone has to be a super star kind of thing always looking for validation. This is heavy in the photography world (+ many others) and very much saps the essence from both the experience and presented subject. Pixels, type of gear, composition, format and so on becomes too much.

The rate of technological change in that field is very much a challenge (for me) and whilst I do like keeping up with computers, something has to give. That makes it hard for me to engage online when seeking answers which is why I am mostly self taught in all I know. Hmmmm - there is an intimacy I have with taking photos that goes beyond all the need to have anything perfect and I would say that is more with words. In both I struggle to be sure but pleased and thankful for your encouragement.

For now I keep myself happily frustrated in my computer techy world/mode.

I am one again really pleased to see you pop in and hope your able to find whatever time you can in helping to keep the forum active.

Sal has been away from the forum for a couple of weeks and I do hope he is well as can be. Others have also been quiet as well where I have just been tapping away using the forum as a good grounding as it currently be for me.

I now get on with me day. :)

[salvator here]

Hi Ponder ... I've missed you very much and have been thinking about you. I'm sorry I've been MIA. Just struggling I guess. I don't know, same shit different day :)

I'm so very happy to see you; Dahila. I've never forgotten the advice you've given me. I've missed you.

I just popped back in today without reading much so I'll spend some time to catch up. Haven't been at NMP either forever. I love to see your pictures and what your up to.

[Ponder]

I get it Sal. I've had a little mini break myself and it's not because of some great vacation. lol I'm just happy you have touched base as was worried it might of been one of my behavior bouts or something I said. I have not been out much myself and feel very much the same way about people despite wanting to connect with like minds.

I've been losing myself in a few games and still learning how to record them. Here is a good bash I did in Need for Speed Hot pursuit remastered. Just a private video where I am running a few rendering tests:

Here is a link to it. It's unlisted the whole recording process is becoming a new hobby for me. Since I really don't know what I am doing I just share with my few friends for now. The new computer I am soon to build for my friend has me wanting more power despite learning to live with what I have. I'm human, what can I say. : ) For now I just work with what I have and try to do things I enjoy. Play games and record them ... This was not a bad run for an old fart like me. I did it in reasonable time as well.

https://youtu.be/nGqT00UtMlc

Catch up later guys. Be well as can be.

[Ponder]

I've been smelling a lot of smoke lately that no one else smells. Not a good sign I hear. I think that about sums things up for me at this point.

[salvator here]

I understand the smells nobody else can smell. Hate to presume, but, by any chance, are there any people around you that use a wood stove? I had a problem with that at one point because the fumes carry into your house. Sometimes, also, mold can cause this.

[Ponder]

I'm pretty sure its neurological. No burning off nor people using wood fires as that season ended months ago now. There are many reasons it can happen. I'm really too tired to worry about it. Just making a note I guess. Every day I say the next day I will sought out my routine ... but truly have 100% been in the doldrums before, in and after said thought. I'm riding with it but my body is getting sicker so at some point I will either break or make.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz Tonight I crawl into bed earlier at least. That there is a little ray of hope.

Sorry many of us are not doing well at this time. Keep posting guys. It's helping some ... regardless even if we are sharing the pain. I'd rather that than fake bubble and fluff!

We can try a dose of healthy pretending soon enough, but as you know ... we need to find the strength even for that.

I am all or nothing. Tomorrow I will *&^ING TRY AGAIN. Grrrrrrrr The reboots are getting so much harder!

Wishing you all well. That I at least feel is true enough.

[Ponder]

Despite being in the doldrums I have still been getting things done. I packed up my Super Ultra-Wide monitor and have since left that master race. hehe. A couple of days ago I completed putting together my wifes mechanical stand up desk. There is a control box, a number of leads and power board under the desk so you only have on cord to contend with as the desk raises and lowers. I'll come up with an idea for that single cord later but such things really are for the maladjusted. lol Apparently that model can take up to 140kg of stuff sitting on top. I won't test that any time soon.

Today's major task is to begin the task of creating an eBay add for my computers awesome graphics card. That said, eBay is getting expensive to sell on so I might also list locally + the market place. The good news is I already sold that monitor. Is good that I look after my stuff and keep the boxes and all. It's also good be back on my laptop.

I got in a successful walk before the heat got too much, watered my plants and about to have a game with a long distance friend. Nothing toxic in the way of food as yet and hopefully I can keep to my intentions regarding that.



https://i.ibb.co/D9C1F9r/Packed-Up-Monitor.jpg

https://i.ibb.co/CQ8Pw4b/20211001-190645.jpg

That's it for the start of my day. I talk more later about my plan to save and acquire the means for X, Y & Z ... but more specifically about what my next project will be.

[Ponder]

Hahahahahaaaaa I love it!!!! Yea - how you like them *&^%ing apples!!! http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/rolling-on-the-floor-laughing-smiley-emoticon.gif (http://www.sherv.net/) arrrr man ... Thx Pedro. That was awesome. In case anyone is wondering:

Stay in bed till much too late
Scanning situations vacant
The face in the mirror looks withered and old
My skin is grey
I can't go out
I'm always cold
In the doldrums
On the dole
In the doldrums
On the dole
Counting down lonely hours
Drinking lots and taking showers
I no longer dream about the rest of my years
I'll check the letterbox - does anyone care?
In the doldrums
On the dole
In the doldrums
On the dole
But the benefits arrive and life goes on
The benefits arrive and life goes on
The benefits arrive and life goes on and on and on
The benefits arrive and life goes on
The benefits arrive and life goes on
The benefits arrive and life goes on
The benefits arrive and life goes on
The benefits arrive and life goes on and on and on
The benefits arrive and life goes on and on and on
The benefits arrive and life goes on and on and on

Nailed it! Indeed - I love the music of the Chills. Not something that can ever be reproduced these days. Made me feel young again.

Thanks Pedro. :)

[Ponder]

Another productive day with another sale on the horizon. Now is indeed a good time re PC hardware. Knowing what to buy when and when to sell is key to riding such a boat. The doldrums are not quiet enough for me. I'm always spinning something on the side within the realm of family. Good luck means testing that one! All good - I'll be spinning out that tiny payout for a whiles yet. I did not think I would be upgrading so soon. Truth be told, this is all being put away in a safe place for a whiles yet. I'm hoping to make it the longest time I have ever sat on such a nest. Hard task for me. I might even gamble with a couple of choice buys and cycle straight away, BUT, doubt I will.

Tomorrow I do up an add for my current power supply as it will not do for my next upgrade.

https://i.ibb.co/gZrpy08/Webp-net-gifmaker.gif

Starting to feel a little better about things ... I always enjoy buying and selling.

[salvator here]

That's great to hear you're feeling better :)

[Ponder]

hehe, feeling better means I have more energy to bitch about this fucked up world. Hope your having a better day as well.

[Ponder]

Doing up eBay adds has been exhausting but in a good way. I have slept well the last couple of nights on just about on the nod now. I downloaded that movie you thought about Sal and going to watch in bed on my phone. For now I make cuppa then take a trip to the lounge room. LOL arrrrrrrrrrrrr ... it's like that these day. Going in the back yard is another trip in itself and I don't mind breaking things up like that at all. I've become a full blown hermit of late Sale : D hehe ... I don't mind either.

[salvator here]

Same here ... hermit extraordinaire as well lately. I talked to my therapist today and she wants me to make the first move around people and try to be engaging. Are you kidding me, sometimes I can't even speak sometimes and all I can do to not fall in public sometimes. Hard to explain, but I'm also fine with it. Your fromt door with the plants is beautiful though and look soothing from your pictures.

I did get out today and walked and didn't run into a single person - just the way I prefer it :)

I hope you enjoyed the movie - I'm gonna watch it again I think.

[Ponder]

Sometimes we just go along with them because it's good just to have someone listen to us. They will recommend from a well meaning place but that does not mean they always know what is best for us. Glad you like the plants - they help me a lot.

Check these vibes out - I thought you might like? I stayed with it from beginning to end:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yd2pj8lF1Js

Yea I watched movie thanks. I think I will look up one with a more spirit theme to it. They tend to chill more a little more. It was good to have something to watch last night. TY :)

[Dahila]

I hope everyone is good. I am very busy because every hour I take a dose of MMS, Jim Humble.
I also take DMSO plus IOdine and trace minerals. The amount of energy I have is unreliable
My anxiety seems to be ok too, Stil meditating using my tuning forks unweighted and weighted. Awesome sound is the key to universe :) I am happy to see you gents
Sal with time the struggle is less and less

[Ponder]

Hello again D. Glad you have found something that works for you and that your feeling good. I made up a more detailed response but lost my post. All good. Basically, I am OK with the declining health but wishing everyone well in whatever it is that they seek. I'm not sure the struggling is as negative as it may read, but more a case of accepted solace. Best I can say is that I'm ok with the smell of smoke, whatever it may mean. What will be will be. :)

Whilst I myself care less for humanity, bellow is one goal I still have. An open case water cooled PC. Mine may be of a different color, differently illuminated, different angles and maybe an acrylic case for better dust management. I am a long way off saving up for all the parts. In fact, I'm still selling the ones I have.

https://i.ibb.co/BrbynKS/Water-cooling.jpg

[Ponder]

Another item hits the market in my quest towards me new goal. I got this just before covid and since prices have gone up there is a good chance I will get most of my money back. It exactly what is happening with my graphics card I am currently selling. I only hope by the time I have saved up enough, that the market might settle down, but something tells me that the insane prices that have now widened the gap is not going to change whatsoever. The prices of houses and rent is insane and whilst those whom already own their own, remain unaffected (housing wise), I am certain there are millions upon millions of people that know exactly what I mean.

https://i.ibb.co/cQTdXYr/bloggif-615fad3f8ac49.gif

I'm now starting to run out of things to sell. Not quite - but getting there. I will try one more time with my weights and associated gear ... and if I hurt myself yet again ... I will sell those. I'll be keeping my mountain bike and super zoom camera. Those I would regret selling. That said, now is a good time to sell things that are not being utilized or otherwise taking up space more than anything else.

Time for some lunch and a grandpa nap. ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Today I did well on eBay. I actually made more back on one of my computer parts I bought back in 2019. You know ... that blood money I got for being fucked over when I was entrusted into care as a child. I'll keep spinning that money for a whiles yet but not doing so well when thinking about this whole economy BS and how enslaved many of us have become. You see, I am one of the many that really does not have the privilege to forget about such things. To be sure I walk in a thin line as speaking like such can be prickly for those who feel emotionally invested with their things.

I say FUCK our things! Easy come easy go. For me that is the best mentality. What I despise ... and sad to say I really do despise with so much HATE ... is how society attaches itself to property and how it seeks to justify and then judge. The system we have that values itself way above human life - PFFFT to the medical system so many claim we should be praising. Grrrrrrrr

What has really done it for me lately is when the realestate comes walking through our living rooms taking photos of our personal space. I'll never get over that. Feels like when I was homeless and people would look down on me and given we live in a world that judges people on what they own ... need I say any more. yet I could care less about what the fuck I supposedly own. Fuck ownership point blank. It should be enough to take notes when walking through, but to take photos consistently in my bedroom and or my home is very much like living in an oppressively George Orwellian Society. You don't have to worry about such things if you are fortunate to own your own. Sigh .. but of course you will always here some great story about how much one struggled and how it is that others in contrast have not worked hard enough. You get the drill. I won't be hearing any of that shit. Many of us on this side of the fence switch off pretty quick to the kind of dribble. Talk about entitlement issues. Too fuckiing shay on that one.

Sigh - How you going you government fucks ... having a good read are ya? LMFAO ... I have passed this website and my name off to those cunts as well. I hope they read from time to time. How could a mere fucked up peasant like me who has people regularly come and take photos of his bedroom really give a fuck about so called privacy. ITS ALL BULLSHIT! GO FUCK YOURSELVE YOU FUCKING ROTTEN GOOD FOR NOTHING FUCKS! YOU FUCING HEAR ME!!!!!

Sighhhhh ... that's much better.

Seriously when they treat people like that, we may as well be living in the street. I literally feel as though they have come to take a photo of my soul. I wonder how home owner would like it if the tables were turned and we march through their house with some BS excuse that we must take photos for the next people who will undabouglty own thier house once they are dead. I'm just getting started with how we really live and how it is that so many of us are walked all over with such BS authorities. Bend over they say - everyone bends over and just takes it up the fucking ass these days. Lest they lose all their things they are so heavily invested in.

I'm still wheeling from all that legal shit re act vs impact. Whatever happens re my own supports that being carrot on a stick - I WILL NEVER CONFORM TO THIER SYSTEM OF WHAT THEY WANT FROM ME. NEVER!!! i HOPE YOU CUNTS ARE READING.

You make me sick you fucking cunts. Government henchmen hiding behind the human services label. Nothing but just another conveyor belt where people end up as green slim to be fed on.
____________________________________

Now don't take any of that personal. I know there are those of you that own your homes. Congratulations. Well done. But I stand by my distaste for the conditioning to that which those subscribe in their perception of all those around them. This is exactly why I avoid going outside. To stay the fuck well away from all those mindset that project like so. I play along whilst those cunts come invade my home. That'' fucking right - MY HOME! You want to debate that?

Go right ahead ... I will fucking tear you apart on that score my friend. By agreeing with you on just how fucked it is that none of us in this BS shallow pretentious existence do not have a home. This place is 100% a fucked up prison no matter how you look at it. How you like those fucking apples friend? your probably feeding off my pain with a smile or two? Yup ... is how we all operate this day and age. Oh but that's just your perspective because of x,y and Z. Ya reckon? Give that bitch and or bastard a prize! Well fucking done. Same shit, same channel, same fucking thing! Too fucking shay!

Your absolutely fucking right. Come into my room and take photos of my space. I say fuck this existence to the tenth degree.

Sigh.
__________________

We still friends are we? Hmmmmm Love, light and so on? Namaste ...

I could never be happy with a billion $$$ because I would still see all that shit.

Sigh ... so what else do I have to sell. How much can I horde! Fuck this world and everything it represents. I spit on all the world flags and all the associated ideologies. I embrace that wells within me ... if your going to fucking feed then feed on me. COME ON CUNTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What are you waiting for? Let's get this over and done with. You want to arrest me ... fucking arrest me ... FUCKING SHOOT ME!!!!! yea .... licks lips knowing too well how everyone loves their jobs. Criminals in uniforms feeding back with just as much hate ... around and around she goes ... come on cunts ... hurt, hurt, inflict more pain ... how much you got to give. COME ON CUNTS ... MORE .... FUCKING MORE i SAY!!!!!!!!!

sIGH .. and meh.

Is what it is.

I see you when you come back to my private space and take more photos of my only last resting place. Hissssssssssssssssssssssssss I sit here and fester, thinking of all those human slaves outside my door doing your bidding .. come oh come and feed on me some more. Fuck this existence point blank. BOOM!

Until next post.

I'll get over it ... but needs to of been said ... to of been ejected lest I fucking rape that bitch that comes into my room with siad fucking attitude. Oh yea ... I am fucking seething tonight with the BS game we all play. Literally fuck society to the max. Fuck those dogs who are let lose to enslave us as they do. Yes ... Oh fuck yeaaaa .... Fuck holding all this in. Hisssssssssssssssssssssss ... fuck this world and fuck the one you live in as well. PART AND PARCEL OF THE SAME FUCKING PROGRAM.


sIGH ... This post was constructed under the influence of the following:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8N-eLvmheSE

FUCK WHAT WE HAVE BECOME!!!
https://i.ibb.co/gZVq4Q6/Fuckheads2.gif

[Ponder]

No I wont delete that. Fucked If I will bury my head in the sand as puppeted mainstream journalists who would script it as so and of those who are not so easily controlled. Such front line articles / pop ups and notifications are for mainstream sheep who embody last post gif as displayed above. Fuck you and your things. Fuck me and my things. Fuck every god damn fucking thing. Genuinely smiles as that tact.

It was a strange day today. My phone was buzzing of the hook ... if I had a hook. I got a text from the so called emergency channel telling me to go get vaccinated. HUGE MISTAKE! That little inkling of an idea to do so instantly vanished and now I have once again resolved myself not to out of sheer defiance. I would rather choke and drown on my own fluids than be fucking controlled anymore than I already am. I already said I was hospitalized not so long ago with Pneumonia and given the inhuman treatment of how people are treated this day and age ... I WELCOME DEATH ... in contrast with living this BS life in this BS community which has zero unity! What we have is a prison system based on hierarchy.

I got several fucking add texts asking me if I want them to stop harassing me to test them the word STOP in capitals. hahahahahahaaa ... like really ... then of course there was not fucking option to text back!!! JUST FUCKING SHOOT ME ALREADY!

Meanwhile my daughter is struggling in her room and I don't blame here one iota. Let those with ears hear and those with eyes see. Of course those fuckers above could care less, blinded with by their property.

My grandson is being hit and choked by another boy who keeps saying sorry only to repeat offend. Sigh. The soft and gentle ones always make good targets. Yet we do not blame the boy who is hurting our grandson. That said, we have had once again had to raise these issues with the school. Is all behavioral. We have at least built up trust with our grandson to communicate with us so we can fight his fight. This the other boy obviously does not have. EVERYONE ELSE IS TOO BUSY TRYING TO OBTAIN PROPERTY!!! That there is that fucking bain of it all. Not enough attention for those that matter at such a young age. The principle of education is a fucking tainted as money is to economy where human lives take a back seat with entry into the institutional baby minding centers now typically at six months old ... even younger. Yea - I hear you say "got to get a job ... both parent and all that in order to do what? buy a fucking home? EXACTLY!!! of course most of today's generation grew up on such child minding centres.

How fucking quick is was for pervious generations to give themselves over to this way of being. Oh bring on the comfort ... Less stress. So much so you even the unemployed now hand over their kids so willingly ... so eagerly. Just another level to the changing system of enslavement where the conditioning of society has been cultured ever so masterfully. The age of automation and AI has been with us for decades with such implementation of social engineering. We as biological machines now having been ushered into a new ear of ... go watch it ... go read it ... A Brave New World. No No ... is OK - Automated response to that is tin foil hat with a conceriacy flag not popping up. Just take a look at any bus full of kids on the way to school. A good honest look at that will tell you just how Pink Floyd got a hole in one with todays outcome.

Kids on a conveyor belt coming out the other end as no more than drones with snorkels sucking up one end and ejecting out the other over and over. Products and consumption. Nothing is wasted. Even those that don't fit ... end up on another belt just on a different level ... so it is from the wealthiest to the homeless. THIS IS THE WORLD IN WHICH WE LIVE. Yet it is said those who do not conform are in denial. It's not denial - the truth is more and more people are simply fed up and do not want to LIVE point blank. I say that is a good way to be and that we need more people to feel this way. The only people in denial are all those basking in their investment calling those beneath them in denial. It's as simple as that.

I have blocked the emergency channel on my phone because I am one of many that no longer trust ANYTHING that is said beyond my front door. It's as simple as that. Trust NO ONE! we live in a society of people policing people. me personally I no longer give a fuck. It's just like when I was living in the gutter back in Kings Cross. Most street kids (not the ones that had homes to go to) that had no where to sleep don't give two fucks what anyone thinks. This is how I have become in this world all these years later even though I have a roof over my head. But as I just described I don't consider the home I am in my home as every 12 weeks we have someone come in taking photos of everything we have in said fucking home. Therefore it you do not own a home ... what you live in is basically a prison. That is just one side ... as I also see it, the whole baby minding centers and education system + welfare officers and admin is as oppressive as you can get. FUCK THE FOOD AND HOUSING when it is as I describe. More and more of us want to be dead and I am all for that. 100%. It's just a shame its so hard to follow through with and thus we now discuss THE LEVLE OF IDEATIONS!!!

Now that is a reality check. The level of societal ideation is skyrocketed and all this industrialized mental health care buffering ain't going to cut it. It's just another belt in the chaos machine. WE DON'T WANT TO BE IN YOUR FUCKED UP WORLD YOU SELFISH FUCKING CUNTS!!! We are not the problem ... the problem is you and your fucking ideals! I so hope the US pushes China over the edge and Nukes start flying sooner than later. I so hope that the manifested hate of the west comes back in droves with all kinds of biological terror that sees a real fucking plague. Oh man ... if they only really understood just how hated by so called citizens these winners of society really be. The pot is simmering ... something is going to give soon enough. More than likely corporations will start another false flag to ensure we all keep hating one another and so and on. Those distracted lap up the BS reports and hate with an unmatched vitality as we others lack the strength and status to be heard ...

The internet is now fully controlled - the algorithms now see that influencing sustains the economic way that has enslaved as it's done. Hook line and sinker it is now. Not much can be done. I know my words fall on deaf ears but I really don't give a fuck what others think. I will continue to write as I have done. I have my ups and downs but lately I have feel it is time to spell this fucking shit out regardless. Given the why we are treated in our home there is NOTHING the government can take from me that will make me give a fuck. We are treated like prisoners regardless of these so called comforts and that for me was the last straw. New laws have been passed in the fucked up luck country that is making us one of the worlds most dictated and mind controlled in the world. There is a hatred being indoctinated between those who have been vaccinated and those who have not ... but this kind of separatism has been playing out of decades now. It's only just being upp a few more notches. Centralization of power whilst always been a thing is now in overdrive with fuck all community services left. Everyone is against everyone and if your not pretending to be someone your own your own. people in families are turning on eachother out of fear of not fitting in. Everyone is being programmed constantly as soon as they engage with their phones.

I am 100% that guy that says FUCK SOCIETY ... I don't need a shirt to say it because it is so easy to see it on my face. More and more people are looking like that everyday. The only thing is you don't know what side of the fence they sit on which makes it like that movie invasion of the body snatchers

This is your society that you work so hard in order to say you own this or that. Fuck anyone that tries to get in the way of that.

https://i.ibb.co/sQqsb56/220px-Donald-Sutherland-bodysnatchers-scream.jpg

Have you been vaccinated? Are you contributing? Are you answering your phone? on and on ... fuck that and fuck those who are into that.

Adios ... until next post.

[Ponder]

OK - Psychosis over with. On with a brand new day.

Today I sell more things. I have decided the weights have to go. I would do far better to lift the rocks in my head. :)

The treadmill I will keep, as to the elastic bands. I should of purchased the latter first.

That's it. Me too going to have a chill day. Good plan.

[Ponder]

Productive Morning - Another add done! Whilst I am fast getting rid of stuff - I will be keeping my commuter bike and treadmill. The two things I rely on very much. The Bike is my transport and the Treadmill for my sanity as well as help with moving lymphatic fluid from time to time (to some degree / no longer really trying to lose weight - at least at this stage) when I care less to go out. My wife ordered takeaway today ... it was nice but I must admit I don't feel that well after eating it.

At any rate - here is to a probable in on my lasted add. The last I don't think will see any time soon. Hopefully before Xmas lest I drop my price at the last moment. The difference will by my hiring fee for having tried these items before knowing if they were for me.


I've become so unfit I got up a sweat creating all these shot - yesterday I started walking on the treadmill and went for a bicycle ride. I was going to again today but will wait till much later when it cools down.

https://i.ibb.co/C1wxXGQ/Facebok-Add-Weight-Set.gif

[Ponder]

It was when glancing the facebook columns after checking for marketplace messages that I came across a post about the benefits of church and autism. My initial reaction was, "WTF is this doing in my feed?" I thought fuck it! I will respond, no one else has. After deleting the first time around and then content with a reasonable statement to the contrary, I hit enter. Some time later I found myself in chat with not one, but two individuals counseling me on the virtues of sin. You may be wondering depending on your own viewpoint with such things, why did I allow myself to even engage at all? Most likely because that which lead me to delete my fist scathing post (before hitting enter) the spirit in which I recoil from this earth and all on it ... is not at all personal. That's a key point to my survival, at least in terms of sanity. My take on depersonalization being different to that of health professionals.

How often do people turn their hatred of whatever negative experience they have suffered and throw it back into the face of others? I see this very nature in people as the very essence of invested emotion as it is to invested money. I use the word money as a point of reference because for thousand and thousands of years, it's been valued more than human beings. Identity fits very well within these dynamics. Money, Human Beings, Emotion & Identity. From the top down:

Money the currency of secularism. Sin the currency of Religion. Both often hand in hand.



MONEY/SIN


HUMAN BEINGS


EMOTION


IDENTITY



I'll come back to the situation where I'm being counselled on the virtues of sin. Those four key words above in that order top down is the lens in which I see this world. Additionally the detachment factor is another dynamic to this puzzle.

My take - is to take the person out of the human when thinking in terms of depersonalizing. Humans may once of been beings, but they (I shudder to say we) are far from that in today's world. That world no more than the amalgamation of complex systems that dominate what we say and think. I think in terms of that evolution itself over time with are so called advanced world. That process over time combined with the evolution of human identity to which we are all today programed artificially in a system that relies heavily on invested emotion. More so the control of other people's emotions. If that is confusing - read the table above in that priority.

Money is used to dominate the control system. It's the framework that drives people's values above all else. This is our world and despite blinkered sectors whom are invested in the art of deception ... the 'veil' ... a term that contains the letters that spells e-v-i-l ... is rife in today's complex digital world. I know many people think I am nuts talking about such things ... but it's as real as the screen your reading this from. It plays into how this program is run.
_____________________


SIN - sigh ... Man this program is so corrupted OR so well written to ensure it's creators keep us in. Yawwwwnnnnnn.

Oh boy. ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz So I reply to this form of currency called sin to which I was tonight being counselled in:

"I see it differently. I came into this world perfectly fine. It is this world that is corrupted. It's attempt to label me as broken is just part and parcel to the branding process of ownership where humans are capitalized like bank notes are spun from a press. This state of being perceivably different eons ago before the tainted and twisted teachings of today's mainstream narratives. So it is that humans beings now come into this timeline on this plain of existence. This sin you talk of is no more or less akin to the concept of money, property and ownership. Sin being as much a concept as money is to slavery."

I said it somewhat differently - talking more about corporations and establishments which is a language more understood by religious types. The pastor who was brought into the conversation thanked me for my input whilst the well meaning disciple who was shepherding this unsolicited session later sent me a voice message offering up prayers for my suffering and thus sin.

Alas - it was what it was and lead me to thinking about that table above.

So many invested peoples philosophise in a way to justify their investments. To me, whether it be captisimlm, socialism, communism - I see all those forms of governing run in much the same way when it comes to those four key points in above table.

The essence of what I present here is more about disconnection from what it means to be human in today's world. An artificially programed bot that is everything but the essence of being. A controlled commodity that was once free before entering this corrupt world.
__________________________________________________ _____

To be sure it goes deeper than that and can be perviced on many levels and often is. That said, despite the many intricacies with that being very much spun with the aim to make more complex ... Prison planet theory is looking very good. Concepts that seek not to label beings as in need of overcoming for having existed at all tend to follow the path of reincarnation, we are here to suffer in order to learn, just another hierarchical ladder system and so on and on ... well my time opening myself up to all of that seems as much a flawed currency do pretty much the same with signage imprinting one must do this or that ... one must go here and there, one must think and feel a certain way ... just more disempowering programming.

SO - is it any wonder people are more lost than ever before? From a programmer's perspective this is key to spinning a GIF on an eternal loop with no end in sight. A round and round she goes. So far Alan watts comes close defining a lot of this and puts some kind of tangible grasp onto something what it really not. Yet I have to admit his way it just his way and whilst he has many subscribers I find some resistance to his take. I'm not quite sure what yet I know it's not personal. Or is it? arrrrrrrrrrrrr ... time to detach from my own sense of being in a world that seeks to have me connect with anything but!

Righto ... I best get of this loop of my own. Not sure I made a beginning, middle and end ... but fuck all those formalities. That exactly what I am trying to break. That is exactly what keeps us from being.

Night night. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzz




https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8OPcb5x6YM8

[Dahila]

yeah I do not care about my weight anymore, Do not care about sin or money, I have enough for myself, I have everything so why do I need the money for?
eh fb presence not present there at all. Keep strong Dave, do not listen to toxic people

[salvator here]

I don't need much money and never had much anyway... just to enjoy a coffee or tea a few times a month ... usually 30 dollars left for enjoyment. Little things please me. In fact; I'll get in a strangers car for a piece of candy ... Just kidding :)

I would take a break from social media for a while to reset because it is toxic. I don't use it at all. Been struggling with depersonalization pretty badly lately, as well. I don't know.

Wishing you well.

[Ponder]

Hi D - Glad you popped in. Thanks for the wise words. I will heed them.

Hi Sal - everyone's definition is a little different I guess. For be - taking the identify out of people actually works well for me. That's how I depersonalization as a good thing. I think that is different to the text books they use on byproduct.

I'm just using FB to keep in touch with family and to sell things. The rest of it is a trap. *&^% the algorithms and the ideals that create them.

Yea - I am doing well enough today. Just waiting on courier to pick up my CPU water cooler. It's getting replaced.

Other than that I have downloaded Season One of ROME HBO 1080 versions. Looks really crisp on a 1080P Native TV.

Here is an interesting Segment that says quite a lot:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xH0kO5qcPf8

There is just so much shit on netflix and the like these days. My son was the one that reminded me of Rome HBO. Given I have not seen this series since its release, it's turning out to be a breath of fresh air when it comes to watching this version of events. Don't participate ... just spectate. : )

[Ponder]

Have to admit I just binged watched season one. Tomorrow I aim to do some much needed yard work.

More sun for longer and at more bouts ... even just in my backyard will do.

ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Nigh tnight.

[Ponder]

Time for some grounding:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_m-8LsneRU&t=7s

[Ponder]

It's overcast but cool which I am liking. This summer I am not ready for given my weight gain but I'm sure I can swing it that I will still be breathing come next winter; although brief as they are where I live. I wish an ice age would come pronto! Hyperthermia going out on the nod better than suffocating in the heat. I best start making healthier decisions if I wish to avoid such things.

OK - time for rays of sunshine to emanate from my ass. If yourrrr ... happy and you know it CLAP YOUR HANDS! http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/hand-gestures/clapping-happy-smiley-emoticon.gif If yourrrr ... happy and you know it CLAP YOUR HANDS! http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/hand-gestures/clapping-happy-smiley-emoticon.gif If yourrrr ... happy and you know it CLAP YOUR HANDS! ...

arrrr fuck it - I much prefer running a bus over such shallow mindedness.


https://i.ibb.co/ftVd3L1/gina-linetti.gif

Have a great day all! http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/evil/devil-roasting-smiley-emoticon.gif

Still working on a topic of interest for myself. Have been in need of a long term nap. ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Coming Soon

[Ponder]

https://i.ibb.co/BrNSQNj/List.png
I'm tinkering with the idea of writing more consistently regarding my daily routine. I do remember clearly how this really worked well for me. I think I just need to mix things up a bit and make the entries a little more interesting.

Changing Things Up:
Not sure how this will look on a phone but I think if I center [or not] it at no more than 750pixels it should turn out readiable without the need to scroll horizontally.

BBcode can be rather limiting compared to HTML. I have only just discovered the table feature in advanced settings and think I will see if I can get creative with it.



__________________________________________________ ___________________


https://i.ibb.co/dQ6TThd/Abstract.png
Just a random image that got my attention whilst skimming in images. There is a lot going on here. Vulnerability with a scattered flock. More words are needed in a world with too few.
Please forgive the fragmented posting. I really am just experimenting. Getting a feel for how the table ebs and flows.

Knowing me I will get bored of it real quick and either keep the format for a while and find my usual topics of interest, or, just resort to 'normal' methods of communicating. ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz haha and lol


__________________________________________________ ________________



Birth of Thought
​Stanisław SzukalskiDate: 1916; Poland
Style: Impressionism
Genre: sculpture
https://i.ibb.co/TYMckDL/Birth-of-thought.png

[Ponder]

Before I share on low vibrational states and how it is that we become easy targets, I share the following photo:

This is a digital photo I took outside my house with camera propped up on my brick letterbox, facing towards the busier end of my street. Although I live in a quiet street I do not enjoy walking past other peoples homes or being in town at all. Lately I have resorted to walking at night in order to avoid people and traffic. Dogs barking can be an issue at this time, just as they can be early in the mornings. I find is best to just walk as quietly as I can which suits me fine as of late I don't have the fitness to push myself and to be honest when I do, I often lose sight of the importance in simply finding space.


https://i.ibb.co/G5XPvfy/Evening2.jpg

Having a bicycle kind of helps me during the day when I do find the desire to go outside the house. The bicycle helps because my speed is quick enough when coasting that I don't get caught up in eye contact. This helps me not to engage. This brings me to the topic at hand. Low vibrational states and that being OK and not something we should fear of feel guilty about; as is commonly themed and used to demean those not doing so well. The thing to understand with being in such a low state is how it makes us easy targets. The best analogy with this in mind, is to think of 'The Pecking Order.' A social hierarchy where the bigger, stronger, and more aggressive chickens bully their way to the top of the flock by pecking the others into submission with their pointy beaks. First they strut about, fluff their feathers, and squawk, but if that doesn’t get the point across, they peck. It can get violent. Sometimes blood is drawn; occasionally, the opponent is killed.

It's really no different in our human society. Very much the same in fact. Let's replace 'bigger and stronger' with more powerful. Humans intellectually acquire power in all manner of ways that have little to do with benevolent virtues. We live in a self centred society that hides behind double meanings used to deceive people into believing that self promotion is not only well justified, but essential to a well lived life. Fear is commonly used to instill such a value system and often done so in the education system:

“Don't be afraid of death; be afraid of an unlived life. You don't have to live forever, you just have to live.”― Natalie Babbitt, Tuck Everlasting

I've mentioned it before and I'll mention it again. But before I do - if you can't follow along at this stage with where I am going, then I would submit you probably won't. At least not at this point in your journey. You may never, just as you may never understand me.

Why should we even fear at all? It's this mindset that sells so well and thrives within group mentalities aimed towards pecking others who do not fit in. This mindset knows well, how to demean those who struggle living life. Those sitting up the top on the higher rungs perched well above, writing the narrative for all those below to live by - lest they be programmed they must fear; be afraid - you are nothing if you are not living by our standards. There is no live and let live with these ideals. It's purely does as I say, do as I will. So it is that the narrative directs people to police as 'they' 'will.' From there we get many sub groups where the common theme is the need for identity followed by more standard, guidelines and rules.
______________________________________________

Back to the Pecking Order - Hmmmm - OK - allow me to bring up that other picture that got my attention today: I think now is a good time -



https://i.ibb.co/dQ6TThd/Abstract.png
___________________________________

Shame and guilt the tools of suffering. By which the wearing away of one existence gives way to another and thus around she goes whereby those who see themselves as winners feed off those feeling so low; those less able, too tired, vulnerable and exposed. God forbid we look after those.
The true nature of self in conflict with unnatural states of being. Governed by those that seek to impose fear in response to those who are seen as compromising. That which is pure and innocent is made to feel immoral and sinful. Weighed and measured within a system ruled by cast iron beaks.

Nature only corrupted by streams of thought that seek to dominate all forms. Where does this prevailing corruption come from?

https://i.ibb.co/TYMckDL/Birth-of-thought.png



Yawns - This write up inspired by those this afternoon whom chose to laugh at me because I did not consent to reply in turn. I was walking down the street before the sun went down. I was in a low vibrational state that was easy to see. Because I did not respond with a wave to some negative energies that picked up on my own, this little group of men started saying hello to each other looking my way poking fun at me. This is why I connect with words so well when saying in the above "By which the wearing away of one existence..." as I truly feel I have reached my end in this world.

I have no desire or point of reference to go when I step outside me home. So it is that if I wish to move my feet without jumping in my car or on my bike, that I pretty much only do it at night. I literally feel like a walking target because of how low I feel. Feeling low is something we are taught to be ashamed of. This brings to my mind the deception within so many self help movements that go as far as to deamen one state of being Vs another - yet it is in that act of demeaning that they themselves sink so low. It's just that negative state is buffered by an ego that is said to be healthy. Yadda yadda - motivational gobbledygook that becomes competitive in a violent world where said destruction is reasoned as natural. The natural order of things being a statement that sets the foundation for a prison that's been playing out for eons.

What's the answer -

Currently I am riding with the low. When they started laughing at me singing out hello repeatedly, I did feel triggered/hurt and feedback with a reactive goodbye and momentarily thought about flipping out - but then resided back into my usual low state of being where eventually I decided to write this. Being low is not nearly as bad as they say. It's just another state of being. People don't like it when your OK with being whatever wherever. So for now, I do what I can to avoid people and have no issue with doing such. In the same way I choose not to respond, (which obviously will piss some people off) I choose to dismiss that avoiding people, places and things is some kind of dysfunction. To the contrary, I consider society as the dysfunction where my certifications are no more than a means to an end for compliance sake. So it will be when I am hemmed into taking 'The Jab!' The same way my low vibrational state reflects the image of that which is in conflict with me - so too, it is with how I present when forced to comply. It is at this point those caught up in the game of society start violently pecking.

You can't find me on either side of the coin. Nor will you catch my sitting on a fence. I'm basically off the charts, yet just as caught up in this mess as much as anyone else. I worry that my therapist might get worn down. arrrrr I now smile.

Do I have enough characters left to explain? The whole theme here for me is that it's OK to even want out! Whatever that may mean. Truly - it is perfectly sane to be completely fed up with all this world has to offer. It's perfectly sane to see the bullshit for what it is. There is nothing wrong or sinful about feeling so low. If only people would back the fuck up and allow people to go through what they must. But NO - In this society it's all about your 'capacity!' hmmmmm thus comes the motivational hierarchy set to inflate identities that leads to all kinds of divisions and conflicts that ultimately plays into the images above.

The irony I find, is how rife these delusions can be found online. No doubt including my own.

OK - Last sigh ... thanks for listening.

To finish on a good note although nothing wrong with the above: I am glad I was able to write as I did.

In about two weeks I will be going away for a week where I'll be helping my friend with his computer build. That I am looking forward too. :) I'm no longer selling him my monitor as after further research I decided I would be doing myself a disservice. I have still got other options to acquire some more funds for my own projects. It's just going to take me more time is all. One step at a time. I don't mind looking to find reason to exist within my own buble - It's just that I will never participate in this toxic society on a level that is willing. My compliance will always be forced and therefore anything I sign is null and void. I spit upon my birth certificate, drivers license and bank cards and forever always burn flags of all nations in my sleep. To be sure the real answer is to do away with such resistant thoughts. Be party to no side or concept other than be ready for one's eventual death ... to die right now ... in the here and now ... to not fear not living or pay no mind to such limited thoughts. Every life is lived no matter how long or short. Beware of people who advocate the opposite - especially those that promote fear.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EssqdKudYio

[Ponder]

Went for a walk this morning in full view. I revisited the spot where I was made fun of. Now I am content to avoid it. Chuckles at that.

Today is a good day. My Computer's CPU water cooling unit has landed in Taiwan three days after leaving Australia. [Courtesy of DHL] That's like better than some places I send locally. lol

My friend who has spent like 10 grand on his parts, [which I researched for him] is loaning me money to take advantage of a good deal now. Whilst I would like to wait for next gen tech, the availability is a huge issue (and looks like it will be so up until at least 2023 - personally I think it is the new norm) which is driving prices up the longer I wait. Basically for now, I am looking to purchase a highly revered brand and well sort out model one tier down than the current best. The resale value of such a purchase at this time warrants this decision as even just a few weeks in my friends parts have increased in value due to unavailable stock. (After selling my latest GPU which I owned for 19 months - the person who just bought that paid more than I did) That said, it helps to know the make and model and what to avoid. I also lucky because my friend is giving me high end RGB fans, nodes, cables and so on. I even have enough to upgrade my power supply and acquire a GPU sag bracket.

One last day of researching then I can start looking forward to my CPU cooler making it's way back. (recall on that model - LED issues is all) I'm pretty sure the return journey will be longer than 3 days and perhaps some red tape holding it up in the factory. All in all though - I have something to be excited about. Back into the research.

Adios. :)

[Ponder]

Badass Grandpa
​

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cTXG0cpy0go

[salvator here]

............................:D

[salvator here]

Went for a walk this morning in full view. I revisited the spot where I was made fun of. Now I am content to avoid it. Chuckles at that.Ok, I read every word. I've been avoiding certain places that brought me pain as well ... no sense on revisiting expecting a different outcome if the circumstances haven't change. Although, its not the space/location, the atmosphere is beautiful, and that picture at night is nice, sadly, its some people. Not all, but some people are sharks and smell blood. Hard to explain.

Glad you having a good day and hope when you wake up things will continue to be gratifying :)

EDIT: Will be also going into more detail over the next few days on my journal about things going on and I can VERY MUCH relate to what happened to you there. I don't feel safe sometimes even walking in public. Hard to explain.

[Ponder]

Thanks for the acknowledgements Sal. Much appreciated. Only write as you feel. I've been out of sync of late but starting to readjust. My research episodes can be intensive and I'm only just now relaxing after weeks of super focus on one main thing. The background drama known as this world is not something I like to return to when coming down. I really am thankful that you have been around. I hear you too. I said as best I could in your thread.

What you said in your thread has made me think more deeply regarding time and space. I've been very sleepy of late and that's OK. What is probably not so helpful is the way I inherently fight it. I now am pushing myself to take naps but do so in a way that I feel won't negatively impact my main regeneration cycles. I would do well to focus more on stepping into said space without all the distractions that we often bring with us when shutting down like so.



https://i.ibb.co/MNnjSfV/Regen.jpg (https://ibb.co/mzJYT0q)
I really do sometimes think it's best to allow oneself to be assimilated by one's thoughts in order to just let those clouds float by. Yawns. ZZZZzzzzzz As is the common teaching to a good session of allowing oneself to simply just be. I go lay down now and give it a shot. The technology is already inside us. We got this ;) ZZZzzz
I've got plenty to write about but actually need to go take a power nap. I need a few naps in order to catch up. I might settle in for a good shutdown period now that I think about it. Hopefully I can be more coherent when I come back. : )

[Ponder]

My take on ASMR - I got bored so came up with the following:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nH2y0KrvMpc&t=684s

[Ponder]

Not much to report of late. I have sold a few more things towards my pc water-cooling goal. It will be a modest outcome compared to those who can afford more, but that said I have done well to achieve what I have thus far. My CPU cooler will be here any day. I have someone coming around later to buy a camera and my treadmill still listed on the Marketplace. I think the treadmill is going to be hard to sell. My plan is to pick out cheaper parts just to get started with water cooling and then maybe upgrade those parts later. It's been good to have an interest again that does not require going outside! It's going to be another scorching summer!!!

[Ponder]

Stop teasing me :)

[Dahila]

just 6 Celsius today. feels like 2 so do not complain Pedro, and it is dark early ............

[Ponder]

If you knew what the extremes of summer can be in Australia, then you might understand more my desire to freeze! hehe Such is the irony of life.

Dude - I am sorry about the conflict that many of us face when mixing with others point blank - regardless of labels and names. That said, if it helps to point those labels out and name names, then by all means express as you feel. I only suggest to ask yourself, how does that really make me feel? I know it makes me feel good for a split second, but then I feel like crap a moment later. For me, I consider what I am told is complex chronic PTSD - or whatever variety/level one may identify with - that the very nature of these things feed off one another. Not just the concepts and all its associated symptoms but more importantly ... → the human beings AKA biochemical machines! Another prime example how how depersonalization works for me - a good dose of healthy disconnection brother. Perhaps could be seen as indifferent, but not so for compulsive mindsets that work differently ... such as myself or my grandson for whatever reason. Yet we can be so much more smarter than what we give ourselves credit for. I chose not to say others because we have to stop thinking about what others think. At least in terms of their own shortcomings. It does help to be mindful of how we do affect others though.

Forgive me if none of this makes sense. I'm getting to old to react the way I used to. I've learned how draining my own way of being can be regardless of whatever I try to do. There is no magic cure that so many places and people try to sell. It takes a lot of internal work that only we can do. Lately I have had to deal with people re the Market Place as it relates to me selling my things that I often do. I can't deal with people who make no effort to be polite, punctual and so on. This day and age - like holly fuck ... wtf is the problem with people? OK - I just leave it at that because I am sure many already can relate just on that score. BUT - Not everyone is like that. I do my best to hold out and fully respect those who given an ounce of respect and do my best to tolerate when they don't. More often than not I cut off communication lightning quick when people are not polite, punctual and so forth. That is not a retarded trait ... rofl ... it's just how I roll beuse more often than not I will fuck it up if I allow myself to continue under such conditions. hehe. That said _ I am always learning and realise holding on to how others mistreat myself and one another only make me literally get very sick, very fast an unable to maintain a semblance of sanity in a very very unstable world. The way I write about the latter is also something I am learning to do so ... more mindfully.

Bes I can share for now. I feel what your saying bro. Just consider how we feed back is all I am saying and I am trying to say it in a way that helps. Truly - I mess it up often - avoidance can actually be a good thing at times, just as my definition of depersonalizing as explained above. The more healthier aspect to it ... not the marketing lable of depersonalization. Disclaimer - not meaning to denote those who have a better understanding of the more debilitating side of that terms. The way I think is back to front is all.

Today I start the process of selling my gaming laptop as yet another step toward my PC water cooling project that I have always wanted to do. Come to thing of it, all that in the above has been helping me to communicate with others on Reddit which I though I could never do. So far it is working.

Take care guys ... be as well as can be. Don't let others or even yourself get in the way of ... just being ... being ok with whatever is. I don't know .. and as usual we got to be OK with that too: faults and all.

[Ponder]

just 6 Celsius today. feels like 2 so do not complain Pedro, and it is dark early ............
Miss you - Hope you and yours are well. Only just read after hitting enter. All good. :)

[salvator here]

New England is nice ... been in the 50's and rain this week.

Thinking of you all here and hope you're well.

[salvator here]

Don't let others or even yourself get in the way of ... just being ... being ok with whatever is. I don't know .. and as usual we got to be OK with that too: faults and all.Thank you, Ponder, I'll try. Hard sometimes to accept our faults or shortcomings. Most often I think I get in my own way.

[Ponder]

Hey Sal, I apologize if anything I said was unsettling. If I ever 'try' to make a point, it's more about allowing rather than trying. I know it might not be for me to say, but I figure we don't fixing so we should not try. We got to stop trying, because more often than not, it's the striving that gets in the way. I seriously would do well to make more of an effort to move my body more but the more I try, the more I feel drained. Little steps - it will come together for me soon enough. Be mindful about taking the steps but none of what I said was meant to highlight wrong or right in anyway. Is enough to know we can make things harder than need be. That acknowledgement is effort enough. Is OK for us to be tired as well. Not saying we should settle for less or be content in such states but allowing what is sometimes helps. That is all. Let's not try, but rather just be. Again I am sorry if I am not making sense and I get the well meaning concepts of thriving and striving - but my lingo on such is quite the opposite.

I have coffee in the morning and think on you and all your recent telling's re that coffee visits you candidly reported on. I sold me treadmill so going to have to start walking more - or walking full stop. I have to quickly put back my gaming computer, sell this one I am on and redo my room whilst prepping to go away next week. I've been full steam ahead, but at the same time it's not like I am trying to do these thing as some kind of betterment program. no offense, but &^%$ that mindset.

I am also thinking about ditching my therapist. I just think it's coming to a head. I can always pick up the concept late on if I feel the need. I want to have a break and just see how I go without it for a whiles. I speak more on that ... perhaps in my next post in here. Not sure when that will be. Busy day tomorrow.

just wanted to say ... no need to try or I meant not to imply that way. Obviously I cam across a little strong and was just talking in general. We are ok the way we are is all - being alive is all about cycles. What goes down, will come back up. No rush. : / )

[Ponder]

Ran into some issues with my system power up and power down ... on and off over again and again type of thing. Seems if could be a Ram issue but needs further investigating. I'll look back into it tomorrow but have to admit I am running out of time at this weekend is already upon me where I have a big trip down south and then once back home with wife and grandson, I will be heading off once again. Early night for me.

https://i.ibb.co/9TPFRV9/20211028-180859.jpg

[Ponder]

Trouble sleeping. Disappointed I ran into some technical issues re my PC above. I've put in too much effort to have something go wrong now. My last item for sale bellow will sting the hardest. I've got good reasons to sell it and good reasons to keep it. If I wind up with hardware issues tomorrow I'm defiantly going to have to sell it.

A sales pic for later if need be:
https://i.ibb.co/dcRpqDC/ROG.jpg

Not sure what the go is at the moment out in the main. I sense some shenanigans going on. I really don't have time for BS at the moment. The drama with my family (Mother, Step Father & Sister) has come to rise again. I'll just generalize it as a case of negative behavioral patterns where I got to stop be lead alone. I've changed my phone number and ended up still having to block. I really got to let go of that shit and leave that door behind me. As previously stated my therapist has been causing me issues as well. No malice from his end. Just bad communication more or less. Reliance factor also creeping in.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz No more going in the main for a while for me. I think I am also going to use the ignore feature for a change.

Night night.

Hope your doing well Sal and D --- My spirits will lift soon enough. :)

[salvator here]

Hey, Ponder, you have nothing to apologize for. I knew you what you meant and didn't take it any other way. Even the phrase "Feel Better" or "Be Well" could be considered an order Lol :)

Yeah, I'm just (barely) managing I guess but could be worse. Just have to bring myself back to reality because I've been too far 'out there' these days.

Nice to see you as well Dahila :)

Hope you all enjoy the rest of your week.

[Ponder]

:) .................................................. ............................................... Thx Sal Sending you good vibes.

I fixed my PC problem - I had to remove some obstruction for the CPU chassis where the CPU sits into. Very fine pins:

https://i.ibb.co/hWzBxHV/20211029-100130.jpg -- https://i.ibb.co/ZNv3zyD/20211029-100623.jpg

Is not like me to miss such things. Must of happened when I was cleaning thermal paste off the cpu and cooler heatsink. My eyes also getting worse.

None the less I was happy when I finally got it all going:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PzEmkRcKElo

[salvator here]

Thank you for the positive vibes and glad you got your computers working :)

[Ponder]

Same ... I was really worried there for a while. Hey man - I am glad your seemingly feeling a little better. :) :) :)

[Ponder]

I only have two days before I go on a big trip. Rush rush here for me. Please wish me well guys because I want to enjoy my time and not get all anxious. So much to do today in preparations. Yard work, wash clothes, pack, reinstall my computer and still put up one more thing for sale. Thanks for being here and touching base when your able. It really helps.

Dahilia - what's been happening ... how is you little stall going these days?

Pedro? Where you been ... pop on in and tell me what you have been up to? You got any hobbies or what do you do to de-stress?

Lemon Sherbet - Pop on in as well ... forget that other stuff - What do you do in the way of hobbies - what movies you into, what stuff you got going on when it comes to much needed distraction. Like the kind that helps?

I wish you all well.
~ Dave

[Ponder]

Just taking a big breath before I head outside whilst the sun goes down and start the process of mowing the lawn. I don't think I have said anything yet but I've been getting chest pains. I'm not the type to go and post about such things or ask for help if my heart skips a beat. That said I am starting to get man boobs, my skin is crawling like never before and it's hard to breath when I start moving. I share a pic showing the massive change from what I used to be. Those that know me, will know what I mean:

One my wife took whilst massaging my grandsons feet.

https://i.ibb.co/dbd5Ms1/Massaging-Joeys-feet.jpg

I've been doing it since he was born and it's pretty much on demand now. lol. I don't mind at all because it helps him calm down and I know what he has to go through at school. He is very different to mainstream kids and has been picked on several times. All good though. The bully types that can't help themselve and or have bigger hang ups are pretty much intercepted now. The kids in the background (on my wall pictured above) have kids of thier own now except the lad on your left there with his arm around my shoulder - all in good time. I don't blame him if he goes childless - that world being what it is and all). I only just become a poppa again as my daughter stuck in the UK (re CV19) just had a girl a few weeks ago. One of my sons just bought a house and the others are pretty much all doing thier own thing. My yougnest daughter still lives at home but we are all good with that. The homeless situation and capaicity to work are seeing many in tough times.

Righto - I best go start moving the yard equipment. Lucky it's light battery operated stuff. Low noise means I can mow without disturbing too much. My mower inside the houses of others would barley sound like someone vauming. Is good for that. That said ... Sigh and double sigh ...

It's the compfort good and the last couple of months without my main computer and doing a huge amount of research that I let meself go bigtime. I don't think that will change on my week away, but when I get back I have some seroius work to do re my mindset and all.

........ Here I go .... trudge trudge ... lol I can still laught about it though. Damn headaches too. hehe rar rar rarrrrr Don't ya just love life when your facing the big hill after rolling down the other side. :)

[Ponder]

Mission acomplished and a bit more ... off to bed.

[Ponder]

I left a link in your recent thread which I hope helps. Now ... about your those things you do, that help you de-stress?

What else you up to?

[Ponder]

Hope this finds you well. I'm heading off tomorrow. The plan is to assist my wife with driving down to Brisbane about 4 hours away. My daughter has an appointment with the city hospital. She is already half way staying with her new boyfriend but ended up in the local hospital having had another one of her seizures. That's exactly what the planned trip to the city was for. I guess she will be turning up with more medical info now. The had trouble giving her a needle because she had clotted blood. Not sure what is going on for her, but hopefully we get some answers whilst down there. We might actually have to return without her. We will be sure to keep her in good spirits and provide whatever money she may need in order to get back home when all is said and done. The little fella has to get back to school and I have some accommodation booked in another town for another planned trip. My wife will be able to liaison most of whatever comes. It's been full on for weeks running now.

I best wind down. I don't exactly like the long trips in the car but will make the most of it.

ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[salvator here]

Wishing you and your family a safe trip; Ponder.

[Ponder]

Taking a break from driving. Just swapped seats:

https://i.ibb.co/KwLDc34/20211101-094821-x700.jpg

[Ponder]

Setting up camp in the Hospital Stay Accommodation

https://i.ibb.co/yWj0Hyn/Setting-up-camp.jpg


Whilst my wife heads off to advocate for my daughter, I have been given STRICT instructions that whilst looking over our grandson not to play anywhere near the stairs The first thing we did was send a photo after they left to alleviate their fears:

https://i.ibb.co/8BqDvBr/Being-careful-of-the-stairs.jpg

Sigh ... there has been more drama with the hospital stigmatizing my daughter because she has a history of mental instability. Basically the played down her symptoms and brought up her history re mental illness which had absolutely nothing to do with how she ended up there. My wife is usually the grounded on among us all, but this time she is not just as disenchanted as us. The notes they took on me in my own house when they were doing the mental health checks after my daughter got out where quite damning. Father is aggressive and bla bla bla. They actually used !!! in their notes. lol My daughter and I thought that was funny. What I was, was pissed that they came to my house/home without notice or regard to the impact on others. My wife saw how the notes were quite damaging and also how such lead to the minimizing of our daughters health condition and the being quite detrimental. It goes deeper than that ... but it's nothing new.

I am glad my daughter is seeing just how callous these people in the health industry are. Especially on the lower levels, but they also exist in private hospitals too. conveyor belt system everywhere you go no matter what tier.

Just got a call - all good ... is what it is and why I stay the fuck away from all government places, staff and so and so. Not sure many here would understand ... at least the 'stigma' side of things and how people out there abuse others based on that.

My daughter is well enough now, understands better the toxic system and being more thankful for the help her mum gives. So fuck the health professional, my wife will sort out what needs sorting and life will go on. That said, I wont be hearing any accolades for front line workers and that kind of thing within my little world. You want respect, then you give it and do away with BS reports.

Better out than in ... On with our little holiday. ;)

Edit ... just thinking more about this with my good friend on the pone. What happened was my daughter herself faced with dare I say Autistic Challengers (diagnosed) as a young person easily led in a complacent work practice (overwhelmed) where they brought up her history of mental health as a means to minimize what they themselves could not understand. In that process that doctor shows his bias with exclamations marks re notes on fathers aggression which actually took place in my own home where multiple individuals live with daily challenges unacknowledged by health workers, which was more a case of frustration with health workers turning up unannounced for days and weeks on end. Point is the way they right the notes is to make it look like the father is being aggressive at the hospital which is not the case at all ... the notes are doctored and they also went on to state diagnosis of my daughters that have never been made. It's total BS is what it is ... stigma, exploitive yadda yadda.

I would rather be dead than go to a hospital ... is how many of us feel ... I know others understand this stigma. Just that many don't write about it in such a way. I got issues to be sure ... but my points still stand.

OK now I get on with me day. Thanks for your patients. I just need to be done with this. No wonder many of us find it hard to move on. Sigh.

[Ponder]

I realize that is a harsh outlook, but understand how it is that many are rutted into such a bleak perspective. It's easy to have a bright outlook and roll your eyes when things are going good, not much in the way of stresses and so on. Yet, I concede that my outlook is as distorted to that I claim of others. It is and it's not. I'll settle for that.

In the background a guy that bought my previous graphics card on eBay tried to scam me by putting in a claim (not working) but after having it out in back and forth communications, he in the end backed down and said his account was hacked and that the card was working perfectly. He was trying to claim $1145au ... what he paid for my GPU. Thank *&^% that is sorted out. I have to now relist some other items as had to take them off due to his bogus claim. Point is, people today are just so deceitful and ready to rip each other off at every point and turn. He just wanted to see if I would give in. Not the first time either. That said, it's just been one thing after the other.

LOL - we also got a flat. Or my wife did when she duct out to that hospital visit. What turned into one tyre replacement ended up all 4 needed doing plus a wheel alignment. $600au Caching! The flat baiscally brought our attention to what we should of been on top of. Better than a blow out on the highway traveling back. Blessing in disguise I guess.

OK - now I think all the drama is over with. I best go fall down those stairs one more time just to make sure. :)

[salvator here]

Just checking in and reading. Hope you all are managing best as can be. Thank goodness you didn't have an accident on the highway.

[Ponder]

Life happens. When doing a thousand km trip, moving from Sydney to Brisbane region we actually blew two tires and replace four. They blew on the highway but obviously since I am still here, we survived that one. lol We just bought the car. It was from a one time owner who had it garaged for 10 + years. Turns out he never drove it enough to changed the tyers in all that time. They looked new but not new enough.

Today (some 27 years later) we survived on the way back from Brisbane. I dropped the family at home, loaded up computer gear, said good bye to the family and headed off to another town where the emphasis on this trip is to show a good friend how to put his long awaited supped up high end custom gaming rig together. I'll be picking up what parts he does not need and testing them on my own rig. It's going to be a full week off from the family fully focused and tweaking both computers, kicking back enjoying the bliss of no family racket. We play well enough in the home, but without a break, life can suck for all involved. Fact is, they also enjoy it when I go as much as I do. hehe. Works well for me.

Thanks for popping in ;)

https://i.ibb.co/qpNs18y/20211102-183729.jpg

[Ponder]

Last shot record for the night - approx. $9000 au in parts [GPU onle $4000] there ... not counting the $2500 super ultrawide monitor. Some of the smaller packages not so easily seen, put the price up by quite a bit. PC Parts a most expensive in Australia compared to the US and it's well known. I'm still running a few things on eBay. I nearly have enough for my proposed water cooling but unsure now as I eye off his NEO display. I'd either go the Neo display or Watercooling. - The last computer I built for my friend lasted close to ten years. So it is now that he is going all out for another ten. That said, the one I built him back then was $2000au. His business has done well and this is like what is was when I built mine with that small payout. He was my boss some ten years ago and we got along well. That's a rehash I know. He really did go on to create his own empire spite much of a failings we both endured in the disability field. We used to camp out a lot before we lived in separate regions. Since then we catch up a couple of times a year.

https://i.ibb.co/R6dgBKT/Bens-Build.jpg

Here's hoping my friend does not rearrange the computer components for when I wake up in the morning. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz night night.

[Ponder]

Before shuteye ....

https://i.ibb.co/fdrDdM6/20211103-010726.jpg

[Ponder]

Woke up this morning to discover there is also no power supply. This trip was months in the making. So today we are on the hunt for an Asus ROG THOR 1200Watt power supply in a hillbilly town in Queensland + that CPU we are missing. Something tells me we have a long drive ahead if we can't get instant delivery. I guess in order to have a successful business you have to as busy as fuck. Now we are paying the price. Part of the fun I guess. A 10 hour return trip might do it if worst comes to worst but will have to do that tomorrow as we are still recovering from the one we just yesterday. Today though, we shall endeavor to scourer this Red Neck City for something at least similar. Parts all hand picked for compatibility and RGB theme.

On with the day.

Edit - No offense intended for those most fortunate to live in a Red Neck City. Mores the power to you! :)

[Ponder]

We still got plenty of wide open spaces Pedro:

https://i.ibb.co/M6dbhY7/20211103-162607.jpg

The locals did not have what we needed. Heading back now on that 10 hour round trip. I picked up some parts of my own whilst there.

If you have an address you can always use google to see the current state of development.

Are we there yet ...
https://i.ibb.co/0cwVpwX/20211103-163510.jpg

[Ponder]

Still going:

https://i.ibb.co/8Y442tM/20211103-184437.jpg

[Ponder]

I hope for the sake of others here on the forum that shit ends soon.

In the mean time - still focusing on my upgrades. Mine is the first computer and the other is what we put together for my friend. Still fine tuning things and the break away from home has been good for all! ;)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3SBrKZ3Gf4Q

Is ok to vent and blow some off steam, but if the current theme here don't change soon, it's not going to bode well.

[Ponder]

WTFE ... Just leave it out of this space. Do what you want in the other but I don't expect anyone will pop in with all that going on.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7uMoiramtPQ

Night night ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Can no longer here myself think under these constraints. You guys can have the forum for as long as you need it. I think I will take a page out of other peoples books and leave well alone. You guys enjoy.

[Ponder]

That's one down, only one more to go.

[salvator here]

...Still fine tuning things and the break away from home has been good for all! ;) Your computers look like so much fun and I'm glad to hear the break away from home is good :)

[Ponder]

Thanks Sal. It's good to be back. He is a video I did as still kind of on the go with not much time for anything else. That said, I will post later with something more uplifting than than of the drama that has been in here of late. Understand if you drop off the radar, but do check on my from time to time and or chime is as much as you want during those periods your more at ease and the environment as not so toxic as has been of late. Righto - off to the shops to get some coffee ... I live you with this quick clip. Sorry about the watermark in the video. I am yet to setup my computer with my editing software as my system is still pretty fresh from the recent reinstall.

Take care - back soon.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=75a-eeMwHbU

[Ponder]

To my good friend Sal, D, and old and new forum members alike. You guys Rock! Chuckles well meaningly. What can I say. Life goes on whether I like it or not. No sense fighting that. Currently I no longer have a therapist. The Support Coordination I currently have regarding the disability scheme I am on, has become as complacent and about as useful as a crochet condom; for lack of a better metaphor. But hey, that's life and I really can't expect much more than that. When I find the energy - (and I will!) - I'll write some constructive emails seeking appropriate support whilst in the meantime bidding my time with that which I cannot change. I'll make some more phone calls as well but with no real expectation other than to reach out for those willing to help. In a nut shell, I am unable to work with disability agencies that do not connect on a human level with their clientele. It's really important for some clients (such as myself) to feel included regarding all aspects of their plan. The bureaucracy under which we all live, well adjusted or not, tends to create more than half the conflicts it seeks to amend. So it is that I am in no real rush to find more agency to replace that once before it. It takes a long time to find quality support just as it does to find people in general whom are worth the time and effort to connect.

My ongoing Computer Hobby. If you did not notice, I have one fan in my system to correct. In order to get the lights working on the rear exhaust fan I need a few more parts. To do that, I need to sell my laptop. It did sell, but the person who won that bid did not pay. Happens from time to time. Like when you sell on FB and no one ever turns up. The guy that bought my graphics card tried to claim it was broken but in the end caved in once we put together a concrete defense, where in the end he said his account was hacked and that the graphics card was working perfectly. I think I already mentioned that latter one. Point is - just like complacent work practices and staff members, there are always going to be trouble makers and difficult people. The good news is I have relisted and have more than enough watchers and current bids. So I will continue to upgrade a few more things on my custom build. More to follow on that as the parts come in as well as more research needed to install and do what I wish to do.

The world has changed to be sure - As much as l like routine nothing stays the same for very long. Our family doctor has also left. We had a good run for a few years now have to start all over again. She was a very good doctor - one of a kind. My response is basically not to go see any if I can help it. Just like with no more therapist. It's OK - That latter, whilst for me it does help quite a bit - is also good to make a change and take a break. As beneficial as my supports can be, the current level of complacency and dehumanizing practices now entrenched in the community has me thinking I would do better do go without supports. The hurdles in which people are made to jump is more destabilizing than the certifications sought. Such insights whilst alarming as any codependent relationship about to break, carries with it a sense of liberation in not having to continually prove and be portrayed at as a broken individual.

Today's Passing Thought:
This reminds me of a slogan or company name I saw written on business shirt. 'Beyond The Spectrum' I commented to my support person whilst out shopping today - "What's wrong with being on the spectrum?"

It's all in the lingo. Sure it's a well meaning company slogan, looking to inspire diversity and inclusion to a wide variety of disability clientele. Yet I find the fallibility of that which drives such industry as it has well become, very much encompassed in it's slogan. Proposing that the spectrum itself falls short and in need of wanting. It's an irony from my perspective. 'Beyond The Stigma' would have more meaning, but not as catchy to imply that one's business can take people from one lessor category and put then in a better one. Sales, Marketing ... I say there is nothing wrong with being on the spectrum. If you want to allude to the stigma, then use the word stigma instead.
_________________

Intention for tomorrow. Help clean up in the morning and install my new CPU Water Cooler. Perhaps make a video t show off a well chosen animation, that can be displayed on the new CPU Block.
This is my Goal ... I will also include a Bicycle Ride just for health sake; weather permitting.

All in all - despite quite a few uncertainties and ironies I see from day to day, all is as well as can be - even when not so well. It's worth sticking things out and taking small steps. I'm actually happy with my latest projects and call them productive all things considered. I know my friend is very happy with his new custom built PC. I am happy I got the chance to build another one and also do some work on mine.

This concluded my journal entry for today. Wishing others as well as can be.

[salvator here]

My dear friend, what to say. Normally, I question you when I see what appears to be a quick harsh decision, but I'll trust you and your judgement and we know what is best for us. I TRUST that the positive energy and forces that be will not steer you wrong and you will find a way to survive and continue doing the things that bring you joy; even those little things are small, they give you drive to live another day. You have a grand purpose and I (personally) believe it is to take care of your family because they greatly need you. Love ... well, I (don't think) its what people think, rather a strong unbreakable bond that no system can take away. You are not broken, but brow-beaten and battered; but 'worse for the wear' here you are. "They" didn't win.

Ok, I will also confess that I'm also taking a break and have put off my case as well this year. Nothing is going to get accomplished and my therapist knows it's an uphill battle and she doesn't feel I'm 'up to' at the moment and should focus on day-by-day more important matter of basic survival.

Sorry, have to stop as I am dealing with huge chunks of memory loss and confusion, so I'll try to write more later, but if not, I"ll continue in the AM. Mercy me ... its only a bit after 7PM and there is nothing left of me, but I want to just post this even if it makes little sense.

Tell you what: Lets just take a brake and remove the shame and get through this strange year and enjoyed hobbies and distractions.

[Ponder]

Sounds like a good plan. See, even the therapists know just how disabling health care services can be in the waring down of applicants, applying for promoted schemes.

I'm all good with recording my hobby activates in here. I'll understand if I don't see you on for a bit re taking breaks. All good.

Thanks for the encouraging words. :) It helps a lot.

[salvator here]

Oh I mean I'm taking a break from going forward with my disability case .. I'll still be here around the forums. You nailed it, I'm worn down too far this year. Honestly, I've been anything/everything but stable this year, sad to say.

I'm glad I said something that helped you.

Totally random side note: Yeah the world has changed and people are so stupid now they would fall for anything. You know people (and search engines) are reading this because you put 'out there' "a crochet condom". We can turn this into a thriving business with sales going through the roof. We'll have to hire people and decide where they [crochet condoms] will be made. All we need is celebrities to jump on board and the whole world will be into this new HIP fashion statement and fetish. Business got started in crazier ways; all it takes is a dream ... or dare I say: a twinkle in the eye (pun intended)

Ok .. so a business name for this new various style and colored crochet condoms business. Something to think about :)

I hope I at least made you chuckle with this one :D :D :D

[Ponder]

HahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA ... just collecting my thoughts here. I really needed that ... Thx Sal. I go savor this induced feeling (very grateful for it Thx Sal : D) ... still rofl ... grab my morning coffee and think about my next post. I need to compose ... BRB http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/laughing-hysterically-smiley-emoticon.gif

[Ponder]

The Irony of Language / DISCLAIMER / Covid19 A Brave New World / The Unvaccinated:

The Irony of Language:
I can't believe I used the word CURED in the title I did. I'm sure I was being sarcastic. I'm referring to the title I made: 'How Walking Cured MY Depression' thread in the depression sub section of this forum. I've always been of the thinking that you can't cure natural states of being. Whilst some of those states are less desirable than others and being in them for unnatural periods of time is detrimental, but to consider that nature is in need of overcoming only plays into the current state of things.

I'm thinking bulldozers both literally and metaphorically where human conditioning is to drive people into to grabbing the bull by the horns and push on trough a narrow corridor, thinking of little else but point A and point B. The latter nothing more than a program that suits only the few at the cost of many and a destabilizing planet to which the billionaire Elon Musk is currently adopting the same mindset to get off this rock. I tend to think that man's ambition is as flawed any marketing scheme. Whilst I sense more capitalist ideals being rehashed that will only see the same failings from one planet to the next, I do wish Elon's aspirations (regardless of marketing) well for the genuine intent many hope those to be; including himself. To be fair, it's not for me to propose I know the mind of any other, other than myself. That said, going by the 'Outside My Front Door' policy, I see only the world in decline like some kind of 80's dystopian sci-fi.
__________________________________________________ ___
DISCLAIMER: This freestyle write up is not meant to be a downer as I myself make a mental note of that right now. I am just looking at things as I see them. The trick is how I choose to express it is all.
__________________________________________________ ___


Covid19 A Brave New World:
Which now brings to mind The Irony of Language: 'CV19' being whatever that means to me (I'll get there soon) and 'Brave New World -Novel by Aldous Huxley' I know I have touched on this before and some people may find boring. I on the other hand can't help but think it's very relevant to today. I don't mean in terms of whatever Vaccines either. Whilst 'Brave New World' entails controlling the populous by means of drugs. I'm kind of looking deeper than just that. Social conditioning can be just as blinkered as pharmaceutical controls.

Like the quest to make everything all smiles and pain free shows up well today's short comings in the following:

https://i.ibb.co/PxMTQz4/Necessary-Present-Bobcat-max-1mb.gif

If you do not know much about the Novel 'Brave New World' go give wiki a Read. It's very interesting and very relevant:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brave_New_World

Soma I think is the name of the drug used in Brave New World and once again I am not so focused on the obvious control mechanism of using chemical constraints to control and make a population manageable. Fact is, that is really nothing new. It is and it is not. The social conditioning/engineering however, that has been going on in the background to Covid19 is much more interesting for those who've been awake to this kind of thing. Such insights do come us as making one feel like they are alone and powerless as such. That's pretty much how the program is designed to have people feeling when it comes to anyone waking up. So what's the answer when you see all this manipulation going on? For me I seek to stop asking questions and expecting answers. That kind of thinking just feeds the program with resistance that's about as helpful as a police officer screaming for peace and quiet. Go figures. I think that sums up society quite well. I've resigned myself to simply see society fail. BUT - in doing so, have no issue with writing about things as I see them. Writting about the methods used to control, how to keep winners winning and losers losing. Every success in society as it be, is built upon the loss of others. The justice system carries with it a vindictive nature that could not be more corrupt. We humans today could not be any more vindictive towards each other in a world spiraling into more and more division.

The Unvaccinated:
On the surface - YEA sure - it makes sense to control a virus with separative measures, BUT - what's going on right now goes far beyond and much deeper than what most sheep are lead to believe. Sheep? Trigger word to be sure, just as Tinfoil hat also be buzzed left right and center. Conspiracy! - Conspiracy! The media cry - bla bla and bla on this side of the fence and bla bla and bla on that side of the fence. Distractions, distractions. Like I don't mind my hobbies, but I'm talking about something else here. This is where I just fall back to my 'Outside My Front Door' policy. Except whilst I care less for both sides of the equation, I do pick up on just how toxic people are becoming. It's an energy thing. How energy works. It's true that both sides of the equation can affect the other. It's why I look to minimize my exposure to all forms of commercial, local and mainstream news and directives. When you look at the energy in it's purist form - reflected in the world outside ones door, that is how you can gauge the true meaning of all the bla bla re the decision making and chosen policies. I'm not sure where you live, but here in Australia the police are very much standing over people when it comes to ensuring rules are followed. The News Readers, also stand over people with a well selected and chosen tone designed to instill anxiety and fear. For some it becomes a drug like a codependent victim who can't leave an abusive relationship. The social stratification talked about in Brave New World hits the mark so well, that it's no wonder that Novel has been banned so many times.

Now whilst I wish to avoid any directives given/forced by authorities, I will give in without feeling shamed but just work on the despair of living in such a world that aims to divide and conquer. Not that I care for going out often, it is annoying that I can no longer have a coffee with my support person because I am unvaccinated. I now find myself confronted depending on the shop when it comes to my so called right to enter. (some shops find annoying because of the hit on business - but it is starting to happen) Even now going to hospital or seeking medical help is met with division if you have not been vaccinated. This aspect I care less for as I detest the medical system and 'generally' only go in a crisis situation. The point is - at least here in Australia at this current time, the whole focus on being vaccinated as conditioned by media and government puppets - is leading to more than just "You can't come in ..." The energy of those show boating their compliance is rather sickening. The sheep mentality and conditioning that sees people acting like police is something that I will never respect ... even when I eventually give into stigmatized coercion.

Getting the Jab - is not just about getting the Jab anymore. The Jab represents the tipping point in that Brave New World. It's no longer about choice. Choice can be sold behind a long campaign of division which in the end is no choice at all. If it's not the Jab, it's both parents working where disincentive and stigma sees less and less people raising families in a natural state. Todays entrepreneurs, tomorrow leaders were raised by self promoting ideals, social stratagems, expectations and all the conditions that come along with today's cultural conditioning.. They know not of what compassion and selfless living is or the importance to having such things. The new generations of today and tomorrow are devoid of such traits only driven by ambition - social scoring and above all else - fear of being seen as anything less. The very essence of social strategisim. That being the conditioning that goes on behind social media, where social media shows just how mindless and devoid of humanity our species really be.

Thank goodness I still have the space in here. Smiles.

Sigh ... I'll be making an appointment to get my Jab soon enough. I getting about as much drained listened to those against it. lol - Neither side has offered anything of hope. Each side is as resistant and tiering as the other. I take the Jab under duress and care less for the claims of what is best. I reiterate, I beleive nothing the main stream influencers say. I follow along as someone being forced into it. I follow along as someone awake among a bunch of psychotics zombies. In once sense afraid to fart for fear of being set upon. In another sense, I could care less anymore because I care less if I get sick and die. As for suffering before death ... such is all this life has ever offered. There have been glimpses of joy and bubbly feelings, but in the scheme of things and reality being what is when waking up, there is not much to lose by playing along. If I do not get sick and die, I will still have to suffer the vindictive nature that is instilled in all of us. Best I can do is work on my own attitude as there really is far worse going on that CV19 itself. The response to it is still more toxic and the social stratagems that have worked well for so long, are now being consolidated with new ones timely being rolled out. These centralization of the world and it's local regions is now complete. For me - there is not humanity left. Just a bunch of actors living on a stage - yet it's very real. Welcome to the Brave New World.

Next ... How To - Live in a Brave New World? I thought I was going to stop asking questions? Oh well.

[Ponder]

Solid day working on my new CPU AIO Liquid Cooler. Way to tired to show that one off at this point. All in all - not to shabby. I know I said I would do yesterday, but given I completed it today I am quite content with that. I also did my cleaning as well. I even emailed some feedback in an attempt to correct some issues re my supports.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Night night. :)

[salvator here]

Great to hear you aren't giving up your supports - they need to know why you are not happy with it. I lack the energy atm to even give feedback other than what I tell my therapist and doctors and they are aware now of my situation and might help me because its become clear as day that I'm badly struggling.

Yeah, My computers keep my busy as well. Love to tweak these old clunkers. Learn something new every day. My rigs usually runs about 46 degrees unless I stress it and its got more than a few issues ... just like me ;)

[Ponder]

Today I actually had to quit one of my supports early because I am just too tired. There is nothing that I have to do or try to be which is fine by me. I am OK with how I am feeling and in no rush to correct it. I'll balance naturally.

My new cooler runs a little warmer but I am not going to fuss about a few degrees under idle. I fluctuate between 35 - 44 Celsius in a hot room during summer without aircon. I've also swapped out the original radiator fans for RGB (lighting) and again, happy to sacrifice a couple of degrees in favor of having a night light.

Hope we all get out energy back soon enough but encourage others to be OK with where they are at. Stressing about it only adds to it. If soldiering on is what you want to do, then by all means. Not for me. I enjoy a good yawn. :)

[Ponder]

Well I am going to push on - regardless of the fuckwit trolling the forum. He and the other are on Iggy. I sense they are one and the same. I won't be having any of that shit in my world from this point on and I'll be fucked if I will let it ruin the forum whilst it is still here. So on that note I suggest others do the same:

https://i.ibb.co/1qKLmXQ/Bye-Bye.png

I post a final time to consolidate and wipe that shit off my slate. No doubt it will pop in because it's just that fucking retarded. This is how it will look when it or they do:

https://i.ibb.co/pvMZpQB/ignored-persons.png

https://i.ibb.co/4p5f084/Ignore-3.png

They / It will only no be referred to in the 3rd person and more so as a very brief reference as to squatting a fly and moving on - if it all. Now fuck that shit and moving on.

As previously stated doing this will also remove their names off the index list out in the main of the forum. Much more peaceful without having to see the continual abuse.

[Ponder]

Righto - here is one I prepared earlier. I was actually going to put it over in the NMP forum but consider that place too mainstream for the stuff I write about and thus thought I might come off similar to the troll that has been toying with this forum. That said, I think I am a little more intelligent. lol Woops - slipped out. Sigh. I guess I am just as retarded but for the most part generally do not like to incite ill feeling if I can help it.

Already I am going on but this is OK. It's actually a good tone for me to express. It is challenging writing about the things that have me down in a way that is not demeaning of others. I am trying to be mindful when I write about such things. So it is that I will share as I really do not mean to pick sides when it comes to such things. I am now referring to this hole Covid business. I have to admit it does feel very business orientated of late. $$$ But like all things - that is nothing new. People will always try to profit off the hardships of others, regardless of one's point of view.

After this cut and past I will include where I am up to with my new PC upgrades:
_________________________________

I know it's repetitive - but I find going other the things more than once that are plaguing me helps to better regulate. Each time I go over things, they become a little clearer - somewhat at least:

Struggling of Late But Doing OK.
It's no secret about the massive changes taken place over the last couple of years. If things were not bad enough for those of us challenged with social anxiety pre-cv, now is a time that I find extremely challenging just opening my front door. Regardless of opinion which in itself is sickening with regards to show boating compliance and self-policing being more rampant than proposed reports in a climate of distrust that predates today's goings-on, is the dreaded task of standing in a line to be subject to something you would rather not. It's not what I or others believe that is the issue for me, but the overall distrust that society has incurred through its own history of indoctrination and social stratification. Highly recommend people read a Novel called Brave New World by Aldous Huxley (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brave_New_World). Read it with a grain of salt and you'll still come out the other end much more educated than any offerings of societies top universities.

My support person is encouraging me to make an appointment with one of the local chemists so I am no longer considered one of 'The Unvaccinated.' He means well as it's starting to affect our community engagements since I have not yet been injected. My trepidation is not so much about distrust in a society that has proven to be nothing but untrustworthy, but more the stigmatization and margination going on in the community of late. These aspects are quite debilitating for someone with my labels. To coerced by means of opinionated speech blanketed by comments of "congratulations!" by those giving the shots was an ODD moment for me. Of course I use ODD for lack of a better term. The way I see it, any trouble yielded by such antics is generated by those imposing their opinion in such a way upon others whom have only lined up under duress. Therefore, it is not so much an ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) moment - but an adverse reaction that sees one boycott the directive given. It's also something I consider as abuse by those who condone themselves in such a way. I am referring to an incident at one of our local technical colleges where those administering the CV Vaccine where overly excited endorsing congratulations to everyone receiving the shots in a somewhat obnoxious way. Upon hearing this news, I vowed never to take the vaccine. So it's not really ODD because my reaction is carefully chosen and whilst it may or may not be problematic that I yearn to boycott many things when threatened like so, the choice to avoid such toxic interactions is actually for my own protection. Considering the subject matter of which I speak, it's a huge irony ... I know. That said, I place no opinion on the validity of proposed pandemic either way. I do however propose that the dynamics surrounding today's perception management are just as toxic and would do well to line up for its own vaccination. Once those making the rules get a good dose of the demeaning manner in which is being conducted, they might understand better why so many resist. Unfortunately, we live a world that is quick to create labels and in this case is far easier to just say - ODD.

This take of mine all being just one of many harsh realities in many aspects that we ourselves cannot change, which reminds me of the AA meeting I use to attend. (The serenity prayer/affirmation) Although one's take on such an affirmation can be seen many ways. I choose to see more in a Buddhist way with respect to 'giving in for the sake of peace' - vs those who would reason such acceptance is more about giving up and counter to one's overwhelming need to resist. Such needs often more destabilizing than the proposed source of pain itself Yet to consider such things in my book yields more positive results than not. So receiving the jab is not nearly as problematic as it is to that of the response of others in the community who are just as affected by all these goings-on as well as myself; regardless of perception, invested emotion or layers of belief.

So what to do - Mindset ... I've already started with this little write up of mine. I have a support person who will come with me. I am both fortunate and thankful for that. I could even get lucky and have my vaccine administered by someone who is at best professional about it whilst respecting my obvious anxiety. Checking my own demeanour will no doubt help. Sadly, my wife tells me it will be the first of many injections and that it will be ongoing for the rest of my life. I find that to be so sad and unsure if I really want to live in such a world.

However ... I can't leave this write up like that. I have to believe - and believing in things is really hard for me to do ... that there will be a way to live through whatever this new world brings. Moreover, that my ability to create new worlds regardless of that which I cannot change - is something I can foster till my least breath. To accept outside the happiness trap exist a space in which I can always find space - no matter the pain.

Yea - that sounds pretty good to me ... all things considered.
_______________________

On with me Day - Continuing to work on my Custom Gaming PC Upgrade. :) - It seems to be coming along quite well. I need another node for my rear exhaust fan and still in two minds about liquid cooling my GPU/Graphics Card. On that note - I'm still creating new worlds.

https://i.ibb.co/YQRJ6Fy/Animation-2.gif

I've been so busy with selling things, researching what and how to make my upgrades and build my friends custom build that I have missed writing deeply about the things that ... hmmm ... just make my mind wander I guess. Like the world is what it is, but how it is to us can be such a drag when we allow others to imprint as opposed to taking the time to write out own scripts. Something like that. The tone settles after a good rant and then when going back over things you can still see things as the be but the way in which I digest is not as toxic as other narratives would have that be. To be sure it is lonely as hell contemplating and hitting out on topics like these. Anyways ...

I share today's desktop image and go back to researching my next move with my PC. I am either going to liquid cool my GPU (Graphics Card) or I will upgrade some more hardware which I could really use. More RAM is something that would help with regard to digital editing and also with some gaming mods.

https://i.ibb.co/QDNn0f3/Today-s-Desktop.jpg

Once my one track mind has completed it's goals re the hardware ... I look forward to writing up some more on the things that currently plague this world. I hope to do so from a point that is easily read.

I don't like being derailed and have been overly tolerant in here of late. I would love to be all sunshine and bubbles, but sometimes you just got to pull the pin then pick up the pieces with whatever is left. Please ignore that ongoing interruptions in my blog as too the forum. It's not all that bad once you use the Iggy feature. Leaving only just feeds them. I'll be in this space till either the forum is shut down or I am dead. One of the others. I'm a bit retareded that way ... but thus far is has more benefits than not.

Peace out guys. We can have it if we do not focus on the other. It is possible. Keep in touch. ;)

[Ponder]

https://i.ibb.co/4p5f084/Ignore-3.png

[Ponder]

Random Vlog - Touching Base & Keeping it Real


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6WHpfl_9wV0

[salvator here]

Gosh, that was so nice to see you again, thank you. For now, I'll just ignore the nonsense going on here and talk to you.

LMAO ... not your best angle. I'm the type that looks better on low lighting, I guess as the night goes on in the bar I start to look better (the drunker people get). Heeeeeeeeeee. :D

Seriously..

I do hope you will pop in ans visit at NMP every once and a while even just to chat or "Word Association" or smth. I'll remain here so long as we're going, but yeah; derailed is a good way to put it. Oh well, whatever. A bit adolescent to me.

Thank you again and I appreciate that you mentioned the upcoming holidays and we'll get through it somehow together and hopefully some people will return here, though, I wouldn't count on it given the toxic turn this place has turn. As the holidays draw closer I go further in zombie mode and things get unclear and I miss my dearly departed father during this time as he would be here twice a month to visit.

Anyway, hopefully your enjoying your computer projects and will enjoy your time to yourself to do what makes you happy :)

[Ponder]

Thanks Sal. I'll consider NMP.

Really tired tonight so going just hit the sack early ... for a change. Nothing could ever replace our parents, but we can keep up the visits as best we can. :)

[Ponder]

OH - I forgot to add - after changing my fans around and a bit of refitting I got my idle temps down as follows:

That's on start up - after its been sitting a bit it's more like 34 to 37 with animated desktop wallpaper on super ultrawide monitor and a little internet surfing. i9900k is known to run hot so I could not be more content with the results. GPU is also benefiting from the changes I have made. I might setup up on overclocking profile but at this point I see no need. Perhaps 5Ghz for the odd game I know that can benefit from high clock speeds on single core. Cities Skylines being one example.

https://i.ibb.co/ZzkKZSx/20211115-170610.jpg


https://i.ibb.co/929Lp3j/20211115-171952.jpg

[salvator here]

Awesome ... I've been going to bed early myself lately. Just going to find something tonight that doesn't require much thought and hopefully drift off on the couch.

I hope you have a nice day :)

[Ponder]

Not every night has been early. I'm glad to hear you have been getting a couple in though. Tonight is another late one - although 11:19 (at time I start this) is better than 2am where the latter has been too often of late. I hope your were able to let go with the heavy thinking and drift off like you affirmed. My day was not bad thank you. I went out and got a thick shake from McDonalds with my support. We started looking for coffee shops but I do not like it when they say they only have cardboard cups. Going out is not something I do often and the last think I want to do is celebrate it with coffee and cardboard. I'm not sure why, but when I turn down the cardboard the shop keepers/staff look back as if I have offended them. So it was we opted for a thick shake from the drive through instead. LOL @ the cardboard straws though. You can't win. lol. God forbid I have a milkshake like they did in the 50s. hahahaha. Sigh. If only! The world has turned to cardboard my friend. Chuckles at that thought. From one extreme to the other. Oh well ... I had strawberry and it was real nice ... minus my esophagitis freezing up given the effort it took to suck with a cardboard straw. I'm thinking of ordering my own metal straw online. Instead of pulling out a cigar I will produce a telescopic metal straw. I'll also have to start taking my own coffee cup. That's get the staff talking. :)

Anyways. We had a thick shakes at the local botanical gardens. It was nice to get out of the house. I was losing my breath walking and I am not doing well in the heat our global region is known for. I was not prepared for this summer at all.

The money for my laptop has cleared and my mum is sending a cheque. My mind has been busy with all kinds of forum posts asking lots of questions about all the parts I need. The project is good, but it's starting to ware me down. I can be a high achiever at times with many of the things I take on, but struggle with regulating. I yearn for the project to finish but don't want to mess it up.

In other news - Police turned up to serve my wife with a Domestic Violence Order taken out against her by the wife of our grandson's father. His wife is not happy because my wife reported financial information to child support questioning and or exposing deception on their part in the avoidance of paying child maintenance. Long story short - when online and your avoiding child support, be careful about when you own more than one house and selling one of them who you tell publicly. Facebook can be a trap when it comes to showboating publicly. That's pretty much how they got caught out. No stalking involved, but that is the basis of their claim against my wife after child support got involved. Now they claim both my wife and have abused and are a risk to our grandson. Bla Bla and Bla. It has cost my wife a thousand $$$ just for a retainer to get her foot in the door with representation as this time around after a seven year court battle she is completely exhausted - I feel the same. I totally get why my wife is vigilant in her advocating for our grandson re all the past deception. My wife is pretty smart. She takes her role as justice of the peace quite seriously and now whilst that is under threat with these baseless accusations, her delivery of this case to those she is retaining seems to be well met with a confident affirmation that even if the case goes to trial it should be easy enough to squash and at least make the other side pay half the costs back. I think these people are going to be in for a shock.

Sadly I almost had to call an ambulance because my wife's MS took a major hit shortly after all this took place with the police turning up and then having to come up with the money ... so on and so on. I think we are going to fight this one as hard as we did the last seven years - BUT - despite being a much shorter case, I just hope it does not bust us financially. It would be ironic if these people who have been hiding their money and skirting their responsibility to their grandson, use their money to cripple us. Going by the state of their submission, it does not look like they have representation. That said, just like I sold most of my things for my computer project, we can be resourceful and know well how to save further by having the knowledge to work with a lawyers as a team. Doing most of the work for them is key.

SIGH - is still draining and the impact I am worried about on my wife. Nevertheless - I try to keep positive for her, lend an ear a be encouraging instilling strength and so on.

Life just goes and never stops throwing curve balls. We got this though.
_____________________________

I think that is enough drama to report. hehe. There is nothing in what I report that can be used against me or my family. I share without demeaning or being bitter. We are not avoiding taxes or anything like that so have nothing to loose. We have no such money at any rate. Unless I sell my belongings I live off small loans. We own no houses or even cars that exceed bankruptcy price. We do not attempt to live beyond our means as doing so is typically met with futility. As have been the case for those trying to drag us down. Like I say - I think they are in for an uncomfortable surprise. I sense rage is on the horizon for them. I only hope my wife can get over it all in due time as rage has a habit of being contagious regarding such disputes.

This is something common when it comes to money which is what this is really all about as I first described when opening up above. If it's not about avoiding taxes, child support its about when people die and who gets what. That family visit I did last where my sister was going on about her breakup, how much she was owed and then went on about my mum and dads will - it ended really messed up, my last visit I mean. I have resigned myself that I will most likely get nothing and if I do, that it will not be much. I think it is best just to accept that now. What's more important is that I work on relations with my mum while she is still around. The small loans and handouts that she gives me now is not about the money, but gives me that feeling that she is helping me because she wants to. That means so much more. She told me before I left after all that fighting and how my dad held the operation money against me like he did, she says "David, I'll still give you money" or something to that affect. I was a little confused when she said it. She said it quietly whilst we were away from any of the others like a day or two after all three of them tag teamed me. Remember ... all the finger pointing screaming and yelling together at the same time where I had to ask them to please do it one at a time so I could respond one at a time. Anyways - I just figured mum understood when I explained that they should not really of helped me with surgery if they were going to hold it against me and that is something my wife and I would never ever do to our kids. I don't think they heard my on the last count because of how they were all screaming at me. It was all over the WILL garbage. All I was asking was for them to consider that it is not a good idea to hold one sibling above another with such responsibilities. I was concerned because my sister was justifying her need for more because she has not lived a poor life like I have ... something to that affect. She was extremely tactless about it and should never of brought the subject up. In some sense I am glad for it because I really got to see that side of her that is able to be so cold when it suits her. I have never understood how people can so easily turn off to such things or just show boat compassion to meet their own needs. Like how calculative people can get. In some ways my brother was also like that. I've always been the naive one in such things. Granted I have many of my own faults.

Is why I tend to bring things up when everyone does not want to hear about it - just like in public forums and such. I have never been good with secrets and struggle with people being cold and so on. - So I just figured when mum said what she did after the shit storm, she was genuine in the only way the mum knew how and I guess it was on target and not about the money. I'll give my mum that - she has been good with handouts without making it about the money for the most part. She has been very generous like that. My dad has had his moments too but in the end money for him is like his army uniform. The idenfinatcion with status and imo the shortcomings that come with that are just too strong. He can't help it though - it's a cultural thing ... deeply embedded. My sister can't help it either. It is deeply ingrained traits ... just like all my short comings. Is what it is. The games do continue though. So it is that I had to tell my sister it's over. I know after last visit that she will never change and that I am just too old for the negative patterns to be played like so. I will continue in her eyes to live as a poor person whilst she fights to maintain her standards. All are interactions our based on that. Always an air of expected forgiveness to be requested in order to be heard or seen. Religion is the perfect canvas for such pretentious beings.

Righto ... Just have to see the next week out until my wife's court hearing. I might ask mum for another good movie to watch. It was my mum that recommended 'The Electrical Life of Louis Wain' ... I thought I had no-one left to miss, but I guess I was wrong. Just like you miss your Dad, I will soon enough miss my Mum. I do hope this forum and yourself are still around when that happens. :)

Almost one AM ... that took a bit to write. That said I feel I am ready to sleep. Is good to write these things without ranting and raving. Night night ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

OK Moving on - today is the day I start putting together all my research in one foul swoop and start ordering the online parts. This new quest aimed towards a Graphics Card Cooling solution where I will be using fluid running through a loop as the primary means of cooling along side a good case with plenty of air flow. I'll save the in-depth self talk for my next post as I outline the procedure in an attempt not to mess up my order. It's easy to waste money on these projects by not getting it the correct the first time around.

This morning I aired myself out in the back yard. LOL - it felt good. On with the show ;)

[Ponder]

Thanks Mum:

https://i.ibb.co/3hBr4BC/Thanks-Mum.jpg

OOOOOOOOOooooooo the privacy police might bust me. lol ... Gotalovethisforum. This is just Mum chipping in to help with my water-cooling project. She has been very encouraging with my creative pursuits. I'm hoping to go for another visit in February ... or whenever it is most convenient to do so.

I also just got vaccinated so hopping that will make them feel more at ease. I'll of had my second shot before then. I won't go on anymore about that. I'm still struggling with the upcoming restrictions and the need to constantly check in and prove one is 'clean.'

Until next post ... Just wanted to post something positive. I love my Mum and don't care what has passed. I like to think a trait we both share is the ability to let go regardless of ingrain harboring issues most humans suffer with. Is good to share the happy moments and whilst yea there was a cheuqe in there for me, this is more about being happy re the willingness and genuine intent both my Mum and I share. Time is going quickly. Best make it count.

I'm off to recheck my parts list. :)

Until Next Post

[Ponder]

Just whenever you can reply Sal - I got to say I feel like my shoulder as been hit by a sledgehammer on the first night after taking the CV Vac - other than that, so far I am fine. Touch Wood. What was your experience? I know it's different for different folk. Just curious. Understand if you would rather not say.

Night ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[salvator here]

Good to hear!

I'm sort of in the same boart, because I only have a card to prove it, but they are going to force people to have a smart phone which I do not. Honestly, I didn't feel all that well after the 2nd shot, but it was the 3rd (booster) that really made me ill for many weeks. I think its to be expected; really.

So happy to hear you're forgiving of what has passed and you want to visit your mom again. You've given me something to think about today.

"the ability to let go regardless of ingrain harboring issues most humans suffer with" stated as a (shared) trait.

Hold a grudge until the grave, then we are left with guilt for our remaining time. Not good. Got to find a way to make our time count indeed :)

[Ponder]

24 hours in and mostly sore arm. I am new to all this. I've never bothered with the Flu Vaccine and never really felt the need. Most people I know still get sick despite having it. I'm just complying for ease of community access for those few times I do manage to get out. Is hard enough dealing with anxiety as is, let alone having to fall into line with this dystopian dark sci-fi reality of late. LOL ... I have to laugh otherwise look for a piece of rope and ladder ... laughs out loud again. I should make a video laughing about these things. Sigh. It was good catching up with you like so. I mean you responding to it in kind in here really made me feel like making the effort to make the video was worth while. Thanks for that. Life is really too short - but perhaps that is a good thing hey? :)

Anyways ... I hope you found something worth watching. Have you seen that movie The Electrical Life of Louis Wain?


The Electrical Life of Louis Wain

I think I will go find a movie myself but doubt I will find one as good. I just watched one earlier 'Cold Purist (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0phuNQQ_gHI)' with Liam Neeson. I was bored and and was taking too long to find something. It was nothing new but OK I guess. Kill Kill and more Killing. ZZZZ zzzz At least perhaps with a little more style than most hack and slashes. Chuckles then Bang! Your Dead ... onto the next. I don't know. I do like many of Liam Neeson's characters though. At least the way I like to view him with my own script ... Give me more movies like The Electrical Life of Louis Wain any day.

That said, I can't wait to see the next episode of The 4400 ... not sure what the old series is like. I do not like the look of the screen shots on Netflix - but ya never know. I have been surprised before but generally takes something unique, non-mainstream - far thinking and encouraging to capture my attention.

[salvator here]

Hope you're starting to feel better, took me a while. Hate to say it, but I thought chicken soup helped ... Lol!

You're welcome and I always watch your videos when you post them. I don't have the guts to put myself on camera. I hate em and threw away my webcam years ago and never replaced it. Sort of a whole story in itself. Sort of learned a hard lesson, I guess. Was bad. Partly my fault and left me in paranoia city.

Anyways:

I'm looing now for The Electrical Life of Luis Wain and its not on any streeming service I have access to, but will keep looking. I just watched Liam Neeson the other night in The Markssman.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt6902332/

[Ponder]

Going to make a cuppa and attempt a half decent write up. Forgive me if I got confused about the music video you posted. I've always liked Sinéad O'Connor. I am sure there is a beautiful story to it. I go make that cuppa and see what I can come up with. :) Tread lightly in the welcome section. lol BRB

[Ponder]

SOLD. Typical of Netflix not to have it in Australia. I can't be bothered searching the other streaming services that my wife has accounts with and nor do I wish to support them when I know other countries have so much more. Australia is such a tight ass when it comes to such things. Did a quick search and got to healthy hits which I are coming in now. I'll pick the one that has the best sound and get subs via MPC-HC. PM SENT

Just made a personal video for you and will PM the private link once it's processed. I must apologies as I think I was a bit too quick in my descriptions. That said there is a little relaxing music in the background that I hope is at the right volume to make the watch a little easier. If you listen carefully you will be able to find anything you want. The proxy site may be different in your country, however the principle is exactly the same and it's how I get by perfectly OK without a VPN!

I have the movie Marksman you recommended. I even show you how to get subtitles via MPC HC (a media player classic program for desktop computers) .... I find its a great way to add subtitle that may of not been added to the download. I beleive I have actually downloaded the subtitles that MPC HC downloaded to a folder with the movie on a USB stick and when sticking that into my big TV ... I get subtitles as well!!! I find it's great ... I can watch telly softly and still not miss a thing. Good for when others in the house are sleeping. To be honest, there are many times movies have the music and action too loud and I miss a lot of the dialogue. Sub offer way more even for people with good hearing.

I do one more video for that ... I see if I can do it more relaxed. In fact I will have to do some google searches to explain. I'll play some more peaceful music and see where it leads.

I think I will leave this post at that. 1st Video finished uploading but is still processing the HD version ... give it another 20 minutes after this post and I will make available to you in PM

Catch up soon.

EDIT - FFS it appears the algorithm is having a fit because I used words like torrents and proxy ext. Let's see how it goes if I don't use such words but simply show you. Interesting.
UPDATE - False alarm ... it got over it's fit and is available at a lower res for now. You will still be able to see how I navigate the fear factor / pitfalls that lead others to running away. Just watch the video till the end and you will see what I mean. I am currently accessing the BLUE RAY version of Silent Running ... a sci fi from the 70s.

[Ponder]

Scratch the one about sub titles ... having sync issues with that demo ... I PM link to other now and call it a night. ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[salvator here]

I will reply in full later on. I watched your video and it was (truly) the highlight of my day and week. It was so nice to hear from you personally and I appreciate that you took the time to make it for me. Yeah, my algorithm is quite messed up here as I'm all over the place .. "They" don't know what to make of me. Lol :D ! Thus far, I'm OK with what is showing up. I'm hard to 'pinpoint' both online and in real life; sad to admit. I will reply (both) personally and I'll also reply here and 'tiptoe' around such things so we don't freak others out and have people be all like ... "See, I told ya they're doing all sort of illegal stuff here" as one member here once implied. But I'll just say this much (for now) that still has me laughing ... you said people think they would be taken to another planet ... which actually seems like not such a bad thing. Heeeeeeee !

OK will pull myself together as much as possible and get this Lovely Sunday going as its well past noon and Ive just been in sweat pants this weekend. I didn't get out at all but am alright with it.

[Ponder]

Haha - I thought that bs about illegal activity was funny as well. Like that really put the wind up us. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/rofl-smiley-emoticon.gif
When I was homeless I used to walk into the odd police station when having had enough and plead with them to locked me up. Some people just don't know what true suffering is. Yet obviosly there is much unresolved pain with this one. Sad it is continually shared as bitterness. But what can we do?

I think it is best we leave that to the pop corn : ) as we probably already encouraged it too much. What that idiot did and is doing rates far worse than the harmless act of downloading a couple of torrents. Like I am shaking in my boots.

Moving on.

I hope you have a lovely Sunday and it is going well and or that this finds you having a good rest doing things you enjoy and puts you at ease.

LOL about your comment re the algorithm and they not knowing what to make of you. Very funny. I like that. That is a good thing. Trust me, If I could be so bold as to say. I'm glad we can make each other smile and chuckle in a world that is such a struggle. That said here is to a day that sees us with a little more energy. Thanks for letting me have fun with the video. I enjoy sharing how I do such even if you already knew. I ended up teaching myself more about subtitles which is a good thing for me. I often miss a lot of what it really going on even when using headphones. My sensorial issues can make it hard to focus on dialogue with too much action and background stuff. I actually think some movies make it hard for people with so called normally hearing and sensory levels. The gloss is too overpowering these days in a LOT of movies which is kind of sad and shows just how poorly scripts today really be. I think more a case of too many stars in a regressing world. That said, it's worth taking the time to look and listen.

I'm really looking forward to making time for the following movie. Whilst at times Nicholas Cage does not always hit the mark for me, he can pull off some really great plays and this looks like one of them: (have not seen it but the trailer and sneak peek re file looks not too shabby. I love his look in this movie and how it is contrasted throughout. I can very much relate at the core. I like the concepts of the city Vs the woods and the dynamics being played in that.

" 'We don't get a lot of things to really care about' ... Who has my Pig?"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1i-_CRKdh4Y

This too is currently available. Recommend 1080p version at least if you can find it. Oh my - I'm shaking in my boots!

https://i.ibb.co/D4TP6VD/giphy.gif

I also have the Marksman to watch now thanks to you. TY! : D

Please do keep sharing those recommendations. A+++++

[Ponder]

Had a cable arrive from CHINA ... it was a long wait but well worth it. The cable allows me to control the RGB Power Extension cables all through one program.
These are the cables I am talking about:
https://www.techpowerup.com/review/lian-li-strimer-plus-24-pin-8-pin/

No big deal - but fun to play with from a PC Enthusiast Hobby perspective. I made a little video ... my computer will be my Xmas tree over the next few weeks. lol

Sorry about the couging in the background ... CV ... what can ya do. hehe : P

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3tLpzsdtBo

Pretty quiet in the forum Sal - Not a soul posting other than you and me. I think we finally might have some peace. ;)

[salvator here]

OK with me, but I do hope some people might come back when the dreaded holidays draw closer.

Oh, and I'm either gonna take my thread back and 'dust myself off' or I'll "try again" with a new thread as I'm gonig to need thread. I was going to post it over at NMP, but I'm all over the place lately and here I feel like I can let it all hang out (so to speak - not a pretty picture ...;o))) .

Hopefull we'll hear from some others, but I'm totally fine with it just being us here.

Hope all is well and your week is off to a good start :)

[Ponder]

Hi Sal - you got me pondering with your other thread. :) I hear ya man - whatever works I say. Mix things up a bit.

Like I said before I don't have any answers but happy to listen. Sorry if my take misses the mark or seems I am not reading things proper.

When in doubt, just blame it on being blind:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VAwS3QXdcw4

Time stamped another one
https://youtu.be/IBuaBOktNio?t=2512

and this one:
https://youtu.be/IBuaBOktNio?t=3132

One more:
https://youtu.be/IBuaBOktNio?t=3412

[Ponder]

Deleted my response in perception thread due to the ripple effect which makes sense to me. I was worried I might of created unsettling waves and I don't want to do that. There is nothing 'wrong' about anyone's perception. I struggled with that article for many reasons but feel the ripple effect is a hard one to navigate. So I leave you to express without mudding the waters. Hope this finds you feeling somewhat better today.

[salvator here]

Totally understand. I'll try to reply in the AM in your thread. Its 6:30 and I feel numb. Would you believe I didn't save your reply. Sometimes, I save replies when I need to read it later to understand it better. I'm OK that you deleted it and understand. I did read it 2 times myself and I'm glad I did because you helped me with 2 parts - those are actually the only 2 parts that stood out that I was able to latch on to in my incoherent state of mind. As I say, just trying to remember.

1. Sometimes along the lines ... as real as "I". So this is how I took/take that as my mind was/is processing that. What we are told/taught is real and was is (really) real to us is whatever we are feeling. Yeah, I make little sense. Just in case you were wondering (and I'd be you were and partly why you deleted it) , yes, religion ... ugh. Typing and deleted here myself but am going to just hit reply and let go. No need to reply and I will now think about the 2nd thing after a ginger tea. Might help somewhat..

[salvator here]

2. Something along the lines ... don't fight it and I'll take that to mean don't fight those feelings and my perception even if blurred as you said that was expected as we age (could be wrong). This time of the year around the holidays, I don't know. I'll think about this tonight and either create new thread or better address it. May have to share details. I don't know.

to be honest nothing feels real and I guess I mean tangible right now, I'm grasping on to nothing solid I"ll admit that. As I sit her getting closer to 7 I'll need to accept it somewhat in order to sleep. I know I'm not alone and I sometime say to myself ... "is this really happening?" "This can't be real" "This is some strange nightmare", but logically I know this is reality and its hazy and blurry and against what I *thought* I understood.

OK, have a nice day and please don't feel you need to reply, I'm just going to hang in there and just won't fight it, so see, that helped or I wouldn't have said that more than once.

Take care my dear friend.

[Ponder]

Just letting you know I have read and hope it was OK to have left a tiny acknowledgement in the other thread which was just wishing you well and letting you know I'll always be around.

I know you might not reply and take your time - but I will when I have time (appointments today) I would like to talk a little about the derailment process that often knocks us all down but not meaning to assume or minimize anyone else's experience.

I will be back - if only for you to just read. Thanks heaps for your response. I'm super sensitive to hurting others with my own responses. That said, I find it's better to discuss rather than not. We have to be vulnerable in order to grow. I know that sounds whatever ... let's just say triggering for those with thick skin. Be a Man! Be a Solider!!! I am here to say FUCK THAT SHIT ... I like my pink dresses and like to get sensitive from time to time. It's almost a requirement in my world if I don't want to go insane and kill everyone.

I really do hope we can talk soon and or your able to ride this out .. I too detest this time of year and it's only set to get worse. I will be here. Keep reading at least if your not able to post and or I'll be OK either way.

[Ponder]

Heads up ... don't know the time your end (7:14pm here) but settling down with some grounding tunes in the background, a photo or two to share and thinking on with some mindful thoughts towards whatever comes. It'll take me time to waffle on but first going to read you proper now I have time. Back in an hour or so when I hit enter. :) Be well my friend.

[Ponder]

Although I deleted my reply, I am glad you got to see it. I too save stuff and stash it someone in a folder for later. :) I only meant to share my own confusion. Is OK - I'm in good space to share the gist of it without a tainted background to which I felt when reading said article. There is within me a spiritual aspect Sal, but trying to dissect it with the mind often results in disconnection. So it is that philosophical and science debates fall very short for me. Long story short, I rate those approaches as problematic as relgion. The language used with wrong and right set a tone that lost the plot which was about the obscure nature of humanity. There are many concepts that abound to this notion that we are all one but it's not so black and white. It's so confusing because on one hand we are taught about the importance of individuality, whilst on the other there are great influential forces always looking to put people into groups (categories) by this notion of all being one and the same. Yet these groups whilst looking to belong get lost is a sea of identity not knowing who they are or what they really be.

I could see how the author was in fact touching on some of this in his or her own way. The split/multiple personality disorders is not something relegated to only those labeled like so. In today's world many of us struggle with not knowing if we are defined by country, state, education, policy all the way down to the type of clothes, car and things we own. More so what we don't own and not today where we shop, visit, and of course medical compliance / history. People self diagnose according to the social tier, prescribed label. We adopt identities like dressing for vouge. We create identities according to whatever the latest addiction is. These dynamics be akin to the drug Soma in a Brave New World were most of us living today are already hooked into a dependency traps whether we like it or not. The needs and desires that well within us are akin to drugs where the chemical reactions that take place within need not the consumption of pills. In this light - whilst we are all thinking in terms of bad foods and pharmaceuticals - we have already been hoodwinked! This is a different perspective which I have not really expressed or explained. At least not like so.

Those of us that have lived long enough to see the game are hooked not so much by designer foods and drugs, but by something already deeply ingrained. All that conditioning since birth re the conflicts of individuality and hive like mentality - Creativity is destroyed the moment children enter into our education system. Need I say anymore. If I do - its would be how they do it with bright colored rainbows right under our noses. Our society is based on deception. That article hits on a few of these things but lost the plot when it proposed those seeking to give up the I apart from the whole were in fact wrong. Adding to that stating it was wrong because some philosophical and science peer reviews ... bla bla bla and sorry but more bla bla bla - more right and wrong ... dissecting this and that and on and on.

In my view disconnecting from said mind sets is the best thing we can do. None of us are going to discover who we are looking for it in some hive mind that is directed by said ideals put forth but whatever hierarchal establishment. Human Society has absolutely nothing to boast about when you know just how much suffering there is for those to go about telling others how it is. Finding the space is something that really stood out in my own reply. This was put aside and marginalized in that article with the comments as they were towards meditators and mystics. Much the same way the media calls anyone that is opposed to the current status as conspiracy theorists. Only to end by saying because of science it is wrong to believe X,Y and Z. Just on those points alone, it mattered little what pieces made sense. The tone and agenda of the article undermined the title and pretty must lost credit the more I read it.

Our thoughts and experiences as proposed by the author is all we will ever be and to think the I can be anything different is wrong to suggest ... well - that's toxic stuff. Its the stuff that keeps people in prison. A great article for those ruling the roost and don't want things to change. I am saying it's OK to be confused, hear different voices and not know who the fuck we are when having lived in said system. Those of us that don't fit, do not because we know it's not a natural state of being. This brings us to the topic of what it really means to be human which has fuck all to do with being in an inescapable hive. Yet the concepts that are making ground in the way we are being held are very much separate to any concepts used to keep people bound. How to break free? Reconnect within. I guarantee you that will not happen by joining some group.
__________________________________________________ _________

Here - you got me outside for the first time in months. I went to one of my favorite spots - Chilling with the Kangaroos in the local cemetery:

https://i.ibb.co/P4gdkqg/Pulling-up-at-the-cemetary.png

Here is a close up:
https://i.ibb.co/TbcVG6f/Pulling-up-at-the-cemetary-2.png

LOOK & LISTEN comes to mind here. I've been in a huge rut the last months. What better place to say fuck it all and head off to the cemetery to let it all decompose - and focus on what the fuck ever. No amount of podcasts I listen too will give me what I am looking for. It really is a case of no longer looking. Yet that insight can be had from having looked and listened. That being the essence of why no article based on some pretext of science and philosophy will also never provide an answer to that which we have been conditioned. Unlearn used to be a big theme in the 70s - and whilst still prevalent to some degree - the level of dependency and tech we are at, no longer requires designer foods and drugs to keep us bound. Problem, Reaction and Solution are constantly controlled and manipulated whilst one subscribes to anything in society. Today's technology has us like seeing bots created before our eyes. I take a break and write about that ... another level of depression watching one's world altered on such a level. Is it any wonder people get so negative about the future. How can we offer hope in the face of all that? It's episodic at best.

I might have one last bout of grounding left in me. The ability to clean my body once more and write about how to salvage what it left via focused disconnection that is OK with completely letting go. It has nothing to do with running to the hills, but yea - as much as that author seem to marginalize meditators and mystics, for me that answer does fall somewhere in that. I'd just call it something else in order to take the bad taste out of such things that have been flogged to death and long lost their appeal. The images of such things make me sick and are just as confusing as proponents of philosophy, science and relgion.

It is so hard to talk about the reality of the so called whole - because once you understand how the energy works, it can be frightening and despairing at the same time. It can be all consuming where one gets lost in a hole and takes so long to get out. I'm pretty sure that is what happens to us with our episodes.

Time for a Cuppa. Chin up - once we see the BS and understand why so many of us resist - we can start focusing on those less painful bouts with the focus to welcome the simple things back, in what is left of our life. Huge irony ... Huge irony whilst I work towards completing one section of my creative hobby - but not going to get all guilty about that. I know I could just as easily throw it all away but to what end? Once that project is completed (it never ends) I will be moving my focus back into my health and well being. If I don't I will surely be dead in a year or two. I feel it in my bones. That part of me is oh so easy to just say fuck it, but then there is another part that wants to stick around.

[salvator here]

...That part of me is oh so easy to just say fuck it, but then there is another part that wants to stick around...Reading and absorbing today. But yeah, I think we need to stick around and hang in there. Love those pictures and I'm very happy to hear you got outside !!


LOOK & LISTEN comes to mind here

Perhaps I'll do just that now and not allow myself to fall for the stupid shit out there. I should be careful with what I read these days. Still reading your postings and as you can see by my edits hours later, I'm still processing. Takes a while from my "knee jerk" reaction to actually understanding some (most) days for me.

Tell ya what ... even though I started it Lol .. lets sort of shelf it for another time when things aren't this ape shit crazy.

I do want you to find a way to improve your health. Like, obviously we'll never meet but I do care.

PS: I was going to upload a pic of me in a pink dress but with these cankles its not a pretty sight and I'd need to make sure people have a Barf Bag near. ;)

[Ponder]

I think it's time to filter out a few more that just don't get it. In no way am I stereo typing here. I am deeply sorry for those whom may take it that way. Here's to hoping it puts a smile on somebody's face. It took me a lot to convince my wife that I would not tear her zip or fray any seems. I'll make a video later in the day if I get time. I'll be busy ordering my computer parts today but should find a window in all of that. I'll ask the cleaning lady if she can do up my zip before she takes my wife out. Be back late in my day.

Forgive the image quality - it's just a small phone upload currently making its way around Facebook. Sigh ... Friends and family. At least I will know who is who by days end.

It's the closet to pink I could get on short notice:

https://i.ibb.co/b1jQRkm/Dave.png

Your friend always ~ Dave.

http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/kiss/big-kiss.gif

[salvator here]

Eat your heart out Sandra Bullock :cool:

[Ponder]

LOL - Video Coming :)

[Ponder]

As Promised


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49UzoWLCwGQ

[Ponder]

Another day done. I finally ordered my parts ensuring each one was compatible down to the last minute detail. The culmination of a couple of months thought with nothing left to sell. I can't afford to make mistakes. Waiting for the parts to arrive is a relief. As in I am so glad all the researching is pretty much done. I am going to enjoy the rest. It can be extremely hard for me to disconnect and then reconnect where it matters. The dress routine was a welcome distraction. :)


Several different tracks of space music to wind down with spanning 30ish minutes:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=icgGyR3iusU



I couldn't help it. Just had to divvy up a pictorial guide of the parts and double check with the guys on Reddit despite having already purchased everything on the list. Is good to go everything as I also have to read the manuals to each parts as they relate to eachtoher. This is first time I have done a custom water cooled loop. I don't mean to bore you guys with it. Like I said, it can take me a long time to wind down. ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz

https://i.ibb.co/qYR5PLy/GPU-Cusom-Loop-Parts-List.png


Hard to imagine all that gear it dedicated to cooling my graphics card. Then I can safely venture into overclocking and have fun with that - OR - just increase the longevity of my graphics card and learn new creative skills for future builds. I now have some left over parts to begin upgrading my grandson's PC. I only hope the guys over at reddit have good news by way of confirming I have enough parts and the ones I picked will all go together. I'm pretty sure I got it right as I posted on most of them. Too bad if I did not ... I am now completely bust. That is why I spent so much time trying to get every detail right.

Sigh ... what else to do while I wait. I could try tackle a video record of staving myself. Not quite ... being sarcastic for sure. BUT - I would like to try something of a Vlog re getting serious with my health. I'll think more on that.

Again I do feel relieved that I got over this huge research hurdle.

Time to hit the sack. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz night night.

THANKS AGAIN MUM - THE EXTRA BOOST REALLY HELPED! http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/yes/big-thumbs-up-smiley-emoticon.gif I made it count!

[Ponder]

https://i.ibb.co/hWT2G1L/Vlog-Orignal.png (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZxOooQVdsX8&t=6s)Day 1 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZxOooQVdsX8&t=6s) - Reclaiming My Health.

See what happens. Time to start setting a routine more indicative of the healthier mile stones of my past. More so drawing from that which I know works for me. Holding back is not in my nature although being mindful in whatever quest, helps to navigate the pitfalls for sure. I guess to some degree it is about regaining confidence but without all the self importance humanity is excessively driven to. With my traits I do tend to dive into the extremes and fall into said traps. In that regard I may have to make a separate play list for my mystical esoteric rants that I often enjoy to do. In the mean time I'll be working on making these little health and well being Vlogs short and sweet. That said there will be quite a few check ins, just as I will also be posting more frequently in this new quest to regain my health.

Those posts will most likely be long winded as is what it takes for me to detox, unwind and set new paths. Literally this is what I will be doing to my brain. New pathways leading to more energy that will enable me to venture out a little further each day. Perhaps not in distance, but hopefully in time and outdoor exposure. This mean I need not thrust myself into public gatherings, but more pick my times with earlier mornings and perhaps a few quite evening rides. By public gatherings I mean anywhere there is more than 3 individuals and I often prefer they also be lone souls as well. In terms of society, I see no positive outcomes with marketed sea mentality. Also sold of as Unity and Oneness. I am all about separation and disconnection from that which is unhealthily. In this I am often misunderstood. When two or more a gathered it is much harder to make genuine connection - at least in terms of human society. All good - this angle whilst not inspiring for most - I find quite calming. It's going to take time to more 'effectively' articulate.


Waking up this morning to the sound of rain.

https://i.ibb.co/4P57f93/Vlog-Day-1-Reclaiming-Health.jpg

___________________________________
______________
____
_

Sips on Mint Tea knowing full well I have a lot of cravings and headaches ahead. : D

[salvator here]

Good to see your going to start improving your health. Yeah, could take time to detox and get rid of the bad shit Looks like you're off to a good start :)

[Ponder]

Yap yep & thanks again Sal. You have been a huge help. - I hear you pretty clear in your other thread and feel very similar about where we put our focus kind of thing.

I will try to be mindful as sometimes when I get more energy I can't help but write about challenging things. That said, I understand the importance of keeping it balanced. I'll keep my ripples in check

We don't have to be part of society in order to find peace and enjoy doing the things we love. I like to think what we have going here is proof enough of that. It would be nice to have more like minds but I am thankful for whatever connections I have. I pretend the other negative bouts/stuff that has been going on ... no longer not exists: just like Xmas and so on. Seems to working and hope it can for you as well.

Like - What day is it?

:)

[Ponder]

This one will lighten up the mood Sal - Just watched it 'again.'


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7q6Co-nd0lM

[salvator here]

.............................:)

[Ponder]

Glad you like it. Hope to find another like it later in the day. Please excuse me next Vlog entry as I make my way through day 2. Massive headaches and little sleep but I am doing my best to perk up.

https://i.ibb.co/hWT2G1L/Vlog-Orignal.png (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WdWqCjqsxM0)Day 2 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WdWqCjqsxM0)

Not much else to report as I am 100% focused on getting through the next few days which will be the worst of it pain wise.

[Ponder]

Turns out that stopping either both coffee and sugar on their own can cause major headaches. I was into both quite heavily before stopping. No wonder I am struggling with intense headaches. That said, so far so good. Last bout I did this I was still feeling it heavily on Day 3. I can't remember how active I was then but I am guessing it was more than now. That fact combined with hard hard I have been hitting all the wrong beverages and foods, I expect Day 4 might see me still in the intense withdrawal phase.

Yawns ... ZZZzzz Has to be done! I don't like using exclamations marks these days, but figure I will have to pull a few out for the next couple of days.

That's a wrap to my day. I'll wrap up day two as monumental achievement. Just as day 3, 4, and so on will also be.

[Ponder]

I seem to be on top of things thus far. I have no idea where this will lead but have a good inkling of where I would like to take it. Not something I am going to waffle on about at this point. That being still a fragile one. I had a surprise visitor pop through my door while just starting my Day 3 Vlog. I often put him on camera while he makes his own version of what he watches re Minecraft YouTube Vids.

Surprise visitor:

https://i.ibb.co/DrD5C6p/Snap-Shot-Joey-Pop.jpg

Keeping it short until I have more energy:

Still very much in the early stages - basically akin to drug withdrawals. Not funs stuff - but the fruit to bare I know well enough. I just focus on that. See you on Day 4.

https://i.ibb.co/hWT2G1L/Vlog-Orignal.png (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LGjl5_GHlX0)Day 3 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LGjl5_GHlX0)

[Ponder]

I am struggling somewhat this morning but as has been typical of me I will push through because I know when I have had enough of one mind track Vs another. I've really let myself go so far that this time that the pain of living as I have been, is as comparable to the detox journey itself. In that light I really have nothing to lose to pushing on through.

I remind myself I am my own audience but the way I behave is very much influenced by what I allow myself to perceive. This dynamic like many others is not so black and white. It takes a certain level where you can watch different things without being negatively impacted as one may have been before. Whilst I am thinking in terms of how we are all conditioned in todays world with out phones, tablets, TVs and Displays, the context also applies to what we see out our front doors. The way people act and behave without each other. That also affected be each individuals capacity and exposure to both outside and on their screens.

But to ground oneself is to see things in a different light, not be so easily led but also not trying to 'be' in control. That's a different take from taking control when the reigns have been clearly dropped and your heading for a cliff. Trying to be in control is more about being resistant to what is, Vs taking control to avoid obvious downfall. For me, taking control sees me gravitating to more meaningful content that adds something of worth to my life. During those more optimal times when watching less helpful content I will question more what is and why I am watching said content. I'm a long shot from being that way right now but that insight is starting to take place for me once again and I once more attempt to take control.

Like I know 'Just for Laughs' has actors reacting to setup situations or at least plants them where most of the time is can be all actors with a few genuine surprised passer bys. Perhaps they are all genuine - I really don't know anymore. That is kind of another point. But I understand the gist of the humor and allow myself a few good laughs regards of all the questioning going on in my head. The example the same for the Devil Baby I just posted about. Of course I understand there will be others who get caught up on certain aspects of a share due to all kinds of invested emotions, conditioning, culture and so on. Those aspects being many of the society's tentacles that I am personally working towards disconnecting from. It's a life long process and I'm not sure any of us every really get to remove ourselves. Yet, a sense of freedom can be had whilst living said the cage.

With the right mindset the bars grow wider where you can slip on through to another region that offers up new sensations that make living a little more worthwhile and or the waiting for one's end more welcoming. Either of those two versions depending where you are on life's journey. Whilst I chose not to beleive mainstream analytical consensus or in laymen's terms 'evidence based' findings, I will most certainly instead take 'my own' anecdotal evidence over such limiting and controlling fundamentals and decide how it is that I wish to live and die.

To be sure my minds immediately and sarcastically tells me, "Yea sure - that's exactly what you have been doing!" I simply remind it that I've had many bouts of enduring periods Vs suffering. I know for some, enduring amounts to the same thing as suffering. This is where my words may only be understood by a very few, but more important I understand and do so the more I tell myself like so. This is how I find meaning in a world where I see none. To find the desire to move when there is none. These aspects being from the well that I draw from to which I know is 100% counter to all the content prioritized by this advancing world's algorithm. I smile here because I know this talk meets with a lot of main stream resistance. I may even alienate myself further from those few connections I have made online and out my front doors. Not sever connections, but less contact be made as a result of the space into which I allow myself to enter. In fact that mainstream analytical consensus I mentioned earlier that reasons everything with so called evidence based data that is again 100% conditioned and influentially designed, see that anyone outside that pattern of thinking is pretty much on their own.

So it is of extra importance to me that I learn to accept myself fully. Accept the tings I cannot change and above all, accept my perceptions with all of the above in mind. There is really nothing deep about that. It actually makes a lot of sense of my intention is to disconnect. How to do so whilst still watching the screens before my eyes, whilst being in the world programmed as I know it to be has already been answered with the above.

I feel this comeback for lack of appropriate term, is the hardest of all I have been struggling with. I feel not just because of age combined with intensity of experience (although plays a huge part) but more so because of the increasing technological constraints and one's predisposed capacity making one very prone to losing one's self control. The infinity factor (looping/irony/constantly reoccurring/reliving) is that we are often told we suffer like so because we 'chose' this or that. This aspect of choice whilst on one hand said to be the holly grail to fining peace no matter what prison you find yourself in, is on the other hand used to reason why suffering exists to begin with. The latter I find more a convientant take as bitterly projected by many unhappy with their own circumstances and projected by controlling forces to protect the framework of their self interests. This dynamic ever present in all the concepts, stories and ideals ever read, heard or uploaded. "You agreed!" Now comes the sales pitch on how to break contracts you never knew you signed. This is not just a from of control used by new age cults but the same used in our local governments. Choice and Control is one of the most overused phrases in the National Disability Scheme I am currently on. A long time ago for me it used to be Obligatory Conditions as defined by the Government 'Newstart' Employment 'Services' in order to have a right to live. Be assured the last few words is pretty much what it all comes down to in today's existence as defined by today's society.

It's a value system which is nothing new. But the way in which it has panned out and where it is heading has not been the same. Whilst I embark on reclaiming my health, I only do so to minimize the pain of living in such a toxic world. What story learn towards at this stage it none other than my own. I now chuckle because whilst I repel from the way the likes of Eckhart Tolle are lifted and held, I do tend towards the giving up of stories. Especially the one about self. Yet this world could not be any more self centered than it is today.

Clearly I am not into the subs or likes here. Chuckles at that. Is what it is. I love tearing down this world in my own way. I hate it and everything in it. However, I am not wishing to be a part of its destructive ways. I'm careful not to personalize it with people in here or individuals out my front door. Live and let live ... makes sense to me. I'm just not seeing any people really living is all. There are plenty of profiles that attest to living it up and given just how much a profile means to all aspects of the above - I'm finding it harder to connect as more and more people are struggling to live under such constraints. The cost of so called winning in this world leaves behind a very long trail of so called losers. The energy from such plays into the economy that in context to my write up today, highlights the concept of obsolescence where humans today more at any other point in history, are as close to material things where the meaning of life is no more than to be siphoned off as commodities. The infinity factor (reliving) I present once more as no more than going from one slave based society into yet another one ... and so on and on.

Alrighty then ... I smile because writing like so is very much a welcomed escape and actually opens the cage door when viewing it like so.

Forgive me candor on the ending there. Just keeping it balanced and these insights need not be a drag. I personally find such insights key to moving on from an otherwise insufferable/intolerable world.

I did struggle when I woke up and perhaps a little fragmented in my morning Vlog - but feeling much better now ... looking forward to Day 5 - but content to live Day 4. :)

https://i.ibb.co/hWT2G1L/Vlog-Orignal.png Day 4 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUMCjEKafvw)

[salvator here]

Hi Dave ... been reading and waching your vlogs.

Here for you.

[salvator here]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6BArbTSuum0

[Ponder]

Thanks Sal. Well received on both counts.

Forgive me as I need to write the following as no more than a means to squeeze a zit. That said I do hope this finds you as well as can be.
_________________

I just finished replying to a rejection letter/email re support coordination. All I am hearing is that no one has the capacity. A term I think many of us in here know well. Yet when I hear it consistently from government agencies it all begins to lose meaning and or I try not to reason it for fear of giving into to destructive thinking. Since CV hit said agencies have struggled keeping connections on a level that counts which is why I am currently without support coordination. I had to terminate the last rep because they were simply not keeping in touch with either myself or most importantly, front line supports. Which means they really don't know much about my progress / status when it comes to writing up their own reports. Thus my perception of the program I am on starts to take a negative spin. This way of dealing with me confuses/frustrates me and leaves me feeling less of a human as well as highlights my musings on people as commodities.

I have no choice now but to contact the main centralized line and explain how my reputation proceeds me. "No one in the local area has the capacity for me." Of course I will not be as sarcastic as that.

This means I will no longer have a choice in who coordinates me or more concerning no way to be matched up. Matching up clients with workers who have an understanding in the area of presented conditions/challengers goes a long way to success as termed by main stream society. (Success is a tainted word for me and a huge irony in terms of how it's sold in society) I will end up having to deal with someone over the phone or purely online via email with someone who does not understand me. Unfortunately that kind of connection will not bode well and is destined for 'failure!'. (A word I know well) It's a great environment for complacency where these government workers can keep their distance and adhere more to the constraints of policy and procedures that are more designed for budget than they are for promoted goals. The last few years have been dictated by reduced funding where in that quest many individuals have themselves - been reduced. Incapacitated on the human level.

So this afternoon when my support person comes, we'll call up HQ and explain the difficulty and leave it with them. They will no doubt have me end up with some kind of belt driven agency which I will have to accept. What makes this all so hard is knowing what support coordination is. Also having had one for a few years that did her job so well and knew how to connect. So sad the people either burn out are are themselves reduced.

I only have a few front line supports. They have been with me between ten and several years. They'll let me know if support coordination is not assessing reports and instead of terminating this time around, I'll just remain a pain in their side just like what my kidneys are doing to me right now. Just going to have to play it smarter is all. ZZZZzzz Such a drain but getting a little wiser to my situation. You learn as you go where there is always something new to keep up with in terms of changing policies and News. The latter I do not watch. It is typically dictated to me through said supports. I'm fortunate though to have good people next to me. Client & worker matching is important to me. I won't stay long with people only in it for the money. Those type are easy to spot. I feel for them, but human services is not a good place to be if its only about that $$$. Yet we all know that true value of society.

This is why I really need to heal and disconnect from such toxic schemes but life as it is today in 2021 really is a struggle for me without some of the supports I receive. It's just a 'shame' what they make you go through to prove yourself worthy. Like I have said many times before "The process is designed to keep you broken" where there claims of choice and control that promote better living conditions is distorted by the way in which the admin delivers its schemes. These Government schemes are very much employment focused (winners) meant to drive the economy first and foremost 'using' broken people (losers) in-between. On the surface it looks like very utopian, but the reality is far from it.

Of course this take may give rise to those whom are doing much better to draw comparisons with 3rd world countries as a response to my conclusions/experiences. I've heard it all before through many group sessions and disgruntled government puppets; typically working only for the money. Or so called plain people just confused, upset and living in eternal resistance. In terms of human spirit I make my point stand. Far better to only have one carrot for three days but surrounded by people who better understand, than a quest for MORE based on millions of carrots on millions of sticks. I say fuck that shit and fuck the ideals that are conditioned to think like so. If you want to make such an augment, then sell all your things and send you money overseas, lest your reasoning have no meaning. Drop those millions of sticks but send those millions of carrots where you say they will do better? Instead authorities make that more of a charity quest tainted in all sorts of ideology. The same ideology that dehumanizes anyone not onboard regardless of geographic location. The problem with todays world is global and has been since it's advent in technology to which humanity has proven too immature to cope with. It weaponizes such things form machines down to schemes.

Alas I end this by making that phone call this afternoon when supported and be content with the carrots in my fridge. If people actually ate more carrots I think the world would have way less problems.

____________________________________

Chin UP - I go do my Vlog as in keeping to my own plan which is far more important than following a bogus one.


Back soon ... thanks again for the well wishes. I have read you in turn and been listening to those tunes all the way through writing this. Thanks for your patience. Whilst going through this detox I need to write like so. I mean not to create waves. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/bye/saying-bye-bye-smiley-emoticon.gif

[Ponder]

DAY 5 https://i.ibb.co/hWT2G1L/Vlog-Orignal.png (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qwexE68-rl0) Kidney Pain / Broken Anatomy / Ketosis ... Still going

[salvator here]

Watching this right now ... got as far 2:53. Please know without question, I can relate. This is NOT about me. We are suffering from abuse there is no question. You mentioned drinking at the time, I also have fatty liver. Please not about me about you. sorry had to stop for tonight and I WILL respond in the AM. 8PM and there is nothing left of me and I've been curled up in a ball on my couch all day and thought it was Sunday.

I'll stick by you no matter what.

[salvator here]

We will make it.

[Ponder]

I have to convey I am unsure of what you mean in your second last message above. The part where you state 'not about me about you ...' But the fact you can relate regarding the alcohol I understand and yes sir, most certainly the abuse we inflict on ourselves (in this case) does last for life. I do apologize if anything I said was a trigger.

Can I ask what is going on Sal? Is it both psychical and emotional' pain ... or more one than the other? I only ask out of concern is all.

Yea - the pain bouts can't last for ever. I'm going to walk around the house a little.

[Ponder]

I will try to stay awake my end. Hope your feeling a little better?

[Ponder]

Just after 8pm my time. All good if your not feeling well or just plain caught up with something else. I'm playing those tunes again that you linked above. I generally don't do instruments like I don't do lyrics, but I am impressed with the sparingly and timely use of the keyboard in the selection you linked. I'm bang on 2 hours in. It took me about 40 odd or so minutes to complete this post. Enjoyably so. TY. Lovely tunes.

Finding direction???? Finding Strength???? ... and whilst I might next say finding peace, I think by the sounds of it - you and I may do well to settle for just finding less pain.

Take heart because regardless of what we try to do now to improve our situation, growing old will present as many challengers. Hmmm - not exactly a cheery thought but I did chuckle to myself then. Only way I can look at it.

My support person may have to have a back operation and is worried about his job. I've been very supportive not only because I don't want to lose him having had him in my life for several years, but because it sucks to see him in pain. Often we will have to sit when I am out walking or even out doing the shopping. He is worried about the impact he is having on me but I could care less as taking a moment to sit along the way is actually good for me as well. While he it enduring his pain and healing up for the next leg I am using those moments to find calm and think less. I guess the reason I bring him up and his challenges is to let you know I am not only concerned for myself. I do care about others.

So if you want ... take the time to fill up as much space in here as well. I don't mind at all how much text you want to use. Despite all my woeful projections of this shitty world I only share them to validate anyone else who may be seeing the same as I, yet like I say I do my best to later give some answers that may or may not help with bending those bars in order to escape. If only for brief moments. Sometimes that is all we need to better endure those things beyond our control.

I know I find this space in here and my attempts to be free quite healing despite the reality and sadness that often follows. Is all part of the process my body is going through right now. In here it is my mind that runs free, regardless of changing moods, dynamics, rants and outbursts. I always come back to what works. Been here since 2013 and still going strong. The good the bad and the ugly. :)

You have been here for quite some time as well. You have been just as consistent and honest.

I think there may be a chance my pain is subsiding. Its still here but that's OK. What happens happens. At least I got a better handle on it this time around.

Well my friend ... I am getting sleepy. It's been a whilst since I have been up till 12pm and 2am. I do seem to be going to be earlier and earlier and waking up earlier and earlier. I got up at 4am and ended up walking down the street at about 4:40am. I was trying to ease the pain. I still feel very self-conscious when outside but know it gets better with time. Slow steady cycling is better in terms of avoiding casual glances and most types of engaging. That is important to me. I pick up to easily on the energy of others as well as output strongly. I have to be in my own zone to work on my own levels of tolerance. I may present OK on camera but I have issues outside my zone, outside my home. I quickly become non verbal and or overly verbal, stutter, get confused then frustrated. That is why I have supports. Other reasons do include difficulties in sensory issues not always related to chronic complex PTSD. These thing all relate to past experiences and the damage done is not all about me ... what I have done re self destructive patterns. Those things typically spawn from seeds sown by others in our earlier life. Lets not forget those we have also sown. Regardless of that the end result lay with us regardless of blame. What we ourselves choose to do now is what counts. The damage is done either way. We live a pattern of reliving the cycle through continuing bad choices with different drugs. Not all so easy to identify yet there they are just as surely as we be no matter where we go, what we do, what we eat or drink. The very thoughts in our heads as capable of disabling and making us sick and or lifting ourselves up and dying with dignity ... as best that can be in the world as I see.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz yadda yadda ... more freestyling.

Yes Sal - we will make it in this life and the next. We already are just by being here and making do regardless of this weird arrangement that currently exists in this neck to the web. We create the worlds we are in. Your are a special being to participate in the way you have and do. That takes strength this place being what it be, whatever that is. Matters little how feeble we feel because your presence here is so much more than what bends our knees and makes us hit the floor. If you don't get up I will and you always seem to do the same when I am down. Then there are times we are both in tune and running well. We have done well here ...

ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz Now I go get some sleep. :)

[salvator here]

I will try to stay awake my end. Hope your feeling a little better?Oh, I removed your name so you wouldn't get the notification and accidentally wake up if you are sleeping. About 10AM and I finally dragged myself out of bed. lately - from the bed to the couch - from the couch to the shitter and back to bed and so and repeat.

Sorry I missed you and I read your entire posting.

To start, I sleep about 4 hours of quality sleep and do feel recharged for a change and life doesn't seem so bleak ( there's that perception thing again ... I'm feeling better despite that fact that everything is fucked up around me ) but I'll take it and try to appreciate it. I've been paying attention to my plant and he (I guess its a he Lol) seems to give me strength and my music together. Yeah, even a simply keyboard with the right cords (cord progression) can make a difference which is why I shared that with you and I"m glad you found it soothing.

I'll try to write more later today.

[salvator here]

Yes Sal - we will make it in this life and the next. We already are just by being here and making do regardless of this weird arrangement that currently exists in this neck to the web. We create the worlds we are in. Your are a special being to participate in the way you have and do. That takes strength this place being what it be, whatever that is. Matters little how feeble we feel because your presence here is so much more than what bends our knees and makes us hit the floor. If you don't get up I will and you always seem to do the same when I am down. Then there are times we are both in tune and running well. We have done well here ...

ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz Now I go get some sleep. :)Well that is what friends are for too bad its hard in real life as people here are becoming awful and no compassion and heartless and ugly. it isn't even (Just) politics and religion (Religion is becoming complete and utter screwball city here now) people are latching on to the darkness and its spreading.

Just here at AF now as I stopped posting at the other place. Nothing wrong happened but it was just my time was up there I feel. Likely won't even look for another mental health forum. Don't know where else to go to be honest. I fit like a square peg in a round hole.

Sorry, but you said it was ok to freestyle and obviously I'm all over the place as well.

Sorry I've not expanded better as you did ask me what is going on and I know you care. Just don't even know where to start. So much confusion and mixed apposed (don't know the word), say one thing but do another, I don't know, can't grasp on to anything tangible here anymore. I keep saying "here" but things are quite messy anywhere as I see and had to stop watching the news. So much faith based hate. Can't trust. Cant! But what is trust anyway. Just going to post and say I'm thinking of you and I (truly) want the best for you from the other side of the world. Don't know how or why (well I sort of do, its serendipitous) but we met here and it was for a purpose.

Going to do the same and walk around a bit maybe venture out today even if just up and down the stairs. Luckily the people I life around are nice to me. They accept me as is.

[salvator here]

The very thoughts in our heads as capable of disabling and making us sick and or lifting ourselves up and dying with dignity ... as best that can be in the world as I see. :)Somehow, even though I read it, this didn't sink in. I'll try to remember this one going forward. I really can't just leave you hanging as to what is going on. I'm actually not trying to detox; myself. I don't plan to ever touch even a drop of alcohol or forget everything would be over. Just the benzo, Sertraline and the poor food choices. Junk foods. All poison. There are consequences and I know the end result will still be "hangover" and stooping we suffer WD symptoms because all addictive and negative pattern is very addictive. CBT isn't helping me anymore and my therapist is at the point that we just 'wing it' and chat and whatever happens; happens. We do need some supports right now and they don't let me go too far trust me. I guess I'm OK with that part so long as I keep to together enough to not need a 'baby sitter'. Ugh .. a few times this year. Stayed away from the hospital; barely.

Where do we go from here ... not the forum but in life. Yeah, need to somehow maintain some form of dignity. Never know the expiration date. I'm a simple guy.

Heading outside for a short walk just for fresh air - Its 34°F and that should wake me up. Lol.

https://media.giphy.com/media/8uBI4YjfZWXlu/giphy.gif

[Ponder]

hahahahahahahahahaaaaa That Gif is so spot on. rofl.

Hi Sal, sorry for the late reply regarding time zones. I do like it when I can leave a reply that your able to read before bed. I'm not able to reply in full right now but more than pickled to do so later when I am more able. Day 6 is still sapping me and I think it's going to be like this for a while. The heat and rain combined at the moment (been raining for 5 days straight) is very taxing given my current situation. I wish it was like 34°F over here. If I was not so fixated on my computer project I might of somehow got myself a small portable room aircon. That said I hope your not too cold?

I am so glad you have written so much. :) I'm also loving the way you write it. Spot on ... was easy to read as well. Not that your other posts are not. Just saying you really seemed in the grove. I find it's a great way to write. You expanded very well.

I'm going to give a proper read later and very thankful that you took the time to write. I hope it has in some way helped ... as well as your short walk.

Just wanted to catch you before your late night ... which may be the only time I am feeling more able. Your dead right it's always a nice surprise when we are able to cross timetables. Something you commented on long ago.
______________________

Oh I will answer one thing though, having already skimmed before getting up:

I guest what I meant when I said "The very thoughts in our heads (are) as capable of disabling and making us sick and or lifting ourselves up and dying with dignity ... as best that can be in the world as I see."

I just put in the missed word and I'll explain real quick.

The dying with dignity part was a hole I slipped into when making that statement and can see how that derailed my expression. The part about the way we think more in context to we become what we think or at least encapsulated in the tone in which with process and project. If we become bogged down on one tack we take on too much regardless of happy or sad. Both can weigh us down as each is not always as it seems. Balance is key. Just as when I start rambling on with all this goblydoo I would also so well to cut and past a 100 worn out polar bears. :) OK perhaps 1 or 2. Your timing was priceless.

The part about the dying with dignity was more about acceptance. Nothing more than that. Perhaps having some insight into the above re thoughts and perhaps learning how to be rather than think. Somewhere in-between actually living and typing. Or live within the act of experience, even if that be with me typing right now. It's not so much what we say but how we say it kind of thing.

I probably messed up explaining once again. :)

There are a few things you said I may reply on although know you have no expectations ... I just hope your feeling better and that others reading can handle the back slapping. lol We'll keep that in check as well. We don't want to scare away all the readers. hehe.

Sorry that I have to edit so much ... this morning I missed and messed up a lot of words.

[Ponder]

Taking the time to now read good and proper. :) Here is my Day 6 https://i.ibb.co/hWT2G1L/Vlog-Orignal.png (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CiyYJxSendQ)

Thanks for thinking or me re notifications but I don't have any here and or I switch off my phones WIFI and Mobile Data so the only things that can wake me up is an emergency call from family or friends.

Love the outlook re feeling seemingly OK despite everything around being fucked. Plants sure can be good like that too. They definitely help. Yea that link was really something. I go click again on it now.
______________________

I don't have time for those playing games. I'll try to be tolerant but I don't see those who've been fucking with us making a real effort which means we just continue on as is. I once lost the plot. maybe twice, but I know how to make a mends and those who decide there are unable to reconnect - that's OK - I understand. But your right about others toying around without regard whatsoever. We seem to make a good pair when it comes to carving out our own space regardless. I also understand that too can't last forever, but while I am still breathing and this place be here I have no real plans to leave.

I live in a town once nick named that City of Churches. A place full of total BS and it really shows. They even know it.

About finding a place online. We have touched on it a few times. I've always felt there is something wrong with most of the mental health places. Mostly the marketing I guess and feels a bit like the BS in City of Churches. So shallow and full of sheep going with whatever is popular kind of thing. The bitterness also very similar with how control groups quickly attack people for making posts in the wrong section, not titled correctly, not generalized enough or does not fall within mainstream consensus and so and on. Just very petty shit really that only reflect how twisted and out of shape people really be regardless of intellect and niceties. I see straight through it. I also think the problem is just how regressed older people have become with the advent of social media. They act like kids and join in. In that sense there is a huge mass of people that act like so. Quickly lapping up all those identities and live their lives according to the symptoms and traits as defined online. Just like Bible Verses they begin to cite articles that then lead them to becoming whatever.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying there is no insights to be had online, but simply just trying to make a point. People really are so fucked up that they can't keep it real in said places but use that space to fuck either and or kid themselves while fucking with others. That's the best I can say it. I have tried many times to fit in and find real connections but always plagued with the above.

So it is that we are here??? How about that??? : ) - Please keep my email just in case one day this place disappears. I guess I could keep my Vlogs going since I seem to have a better handle on presenting like that. Just saying it would be good to have a safety line is all.

Yea man - so glad you freestyled that way you did. I know it can be taxing but if you just go through the motions enough it really does get easier to do it and it's also one of the best ways to self heal. It has it's moments to be sure.

I do care. Finding a place to get a footing is indeed super hard. has taken me what feels like 2 year (not quite - I foget) since I was road rage with a pick axe. Since then I have not recovered my health or really got a grip. I think now I might.

When you mention or query how we or others may "Say one thing do another..." I actually mentioned something like it in today's video - perhaps different but I time stamp (https://youtu.be/CiyYJxSendQ?t=216) it. "It's one thing to present one way and then be another and thing what the fuck it going on there?" Perhaps this is different. But like to keep it real I think I am trying to say that depending on my comfort zones that are affected by many things I can be two completely different people. Sometimes I write so calmly but when I go out and can flip out and become non functional.

Perhaps different from outright deception when people know they are deceiving others by saying one thing and doing another. That is different to what I mean ... yet confusion can still reign when I struggle being one way Vs another which has nothing to do with intentional deception whatsoever. It is certainly hard to deal with deceitful people and only adds to why there is so much distrust out there atm ... not discounting all pasts abuses through no fault of our own. Yet must be careful not to make the latter an excuse to continually cry poor me. BINGO → I think that is a major issue with many of the mental health forums. Just threw that in whilst it came to mind. Not just kids doing it - but also many regressed wanna be teens in the 30s,40s,50s, and yes these days 60s. I see that a lot in those places. As defined earlier above.

Yea man ... wish I had some stairs to go up and down. That would be enough of a gym. I hope again your short walk worked out ok and you had a good day and when this finds you; rest.

I tried to better explain that little spiel I said in my previous post: The very thoughts in our heads as capable of disabling and making us sick and or lifting ourselves up and dying with dignity ... as best that can be in the world as I see.

To shorten it even more - better said ... 'We are what we think. Accepting the inevitable with what we can't change may help us to better see.' Let's ride with that?

I have been in therapy since 2012. Nice years. Whilst behavioral therapy can assist in breaking negative patterns, it does not in anyway alleviate the root cause or address unresolved deep rooted issues. CBT is marketed like pills and whilst they too can be beneficial as I assume you well know well enough yourself, unless we do the inner work and come to terms with acceptance on a deeper level, no therapy or course is going to help. Think is terms of ACT - Acceptance Commitment Therapy but take out the Clinical aspect of commitment and Therapy as we typically know them. We often BS ourselves with those aspect showing up to such appointments not really and truly being there. Most people are conditioned to think it is the taking of medicine in context to quick fixes that just by participating in CBT or ACT that they are going to be healed.

I am not meaning this is you - just sharing the context with how commodities (people) are conditioned with and by such clinical services. Sometimes we got to throw away the text book and this is what any good therapist will do once they know they are working with complex cases. Or at least pretend to do. lol In the end it is us that further trains these professionals. It' snice when they can acknowledge as much and whilst when they do it may sound like BS - in many cases it can be true. So hang in there ... From your previous writings about your therapy I get the impression you know how to use such. So many people do not. Of course I don't blame them as it really is a confusing world ... a deceptive one full of so much distrust.

Baby sitter ... lol .. I think I understand and apologize if not. Me being someone that pretty much has someone paid to take me out ... made me think about that comment but your talking about yourself not me. I get it. Hospitals admittances and all that. I understand that too. On that level when dealing with public services and servants ... control is the name of the game and your right ... no one needs that kind of being lorded over. It can be extremely demeaning, inhumane and very controlling ... traumatic at best. The excuse is they are overwhelmed.




Where do we go from here ... not the forum but in life. Yeah, need to somehow maintain some form of dignity. Never know the expiration date. I'm a simple guy.


You just said it best.

I envy the cold weather you are having. I know it's easy for me to say - but I am not doing well at all this summer and I have always much preferred the cold.

Take Care ... Catch up in my morning. Once more thanks so much for taking the time to share as you have. In your own time and all that ... don't stop:

Edit ... I got the lyrics wrong. The seem to fit well actually where I can be flexible with my in the now outlook. That said, I do advocate periods of no thinking when at all possible. :)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BME4fB3VJV8

[Ponder]

Vlog Day 7 https://i.ibb.co/hWT2G1L/Vlog-Orignal.png (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EwOeIKacNm4)Laughing at it all & Tired

Not much to say today. It's all in the video I guess. Perhaps a self correction about using me car. I don't like using it since the road rage accident. I do use it from time to time to avoid having to walk out my front door but mostly use my push bike for most short trips, otherwise I am pretty much a passenger for longer bouts. That said I will take over to help on long trips but suffer from the lines in the road that make me sleepy very quick.

ZZZZzzzzzz Might have to have anafternoon grandad nap. hehe.

Catch up later no doubt.

[Ponder]

Just a random video I made. My youngest son was saying how useless his electric mower is, so I thought I would show him how I use mine.

I stayed up so you could watch it during your day ... that said you might find it boring although I did put in quite a few cuts:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0zBJ0VmhQE

[Ponder]

I guess I must be getting bored with slightly more energy. Not such a bad thing but definitely feeling edgy with this increased energy. I can see where there is a concept for dulling people down. I'll try to put that energy into doing the research I need to in order to get water running over my graphics card CPU chip now that most of the parts have arrived. Just waiting on one more.

Notes tensions are running high all round with family members and the world in general. Not the best time for my detox but now is better than never. It really does take a certain level of genuine intent when making concert decisions that actually have the fortitude to make them count. I can't believe this time around it took two years. I only hope I can beat my 2 year record of eating clean. It's so easy to go bust when stress either reaches a certain point or suddenly slams you in one go. Such have been the extremes for me but seemingly getting better each time around despite the building identity of my bouts as I live more days on this plain of existence.

Hopefully the yard will dry out and I can finish the edging.

Shit storm still brewing this time of year and people going nuts but is what it is.

On with another day.

[Ponder]

Too tired - keeping focused on my Vlog marathon eating clean reclaiming my health yadda yadda kind of thing.
Vlog Day 8 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hNryd1Oiir0) https://i.ibb.co/hWT2G1L/Vlog-Orignal.png

ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Vlog Day 9 https://i.ibb.co/hWT2G1L/Vlog-Orignal.png (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVZQRcmjotQ) - Shaved - Plenty of Sun - went out ... now feeling heaps tired. Emotions welling up and not happy out in public at all. That said, still doing my best to hold things together and continuing to eat clean. Here's to Day 10. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Day 10. Morning. Toe is infected. Going to take take a break myself Sal. You know where to find me re the above. Seems this detox has me running into one issue after the other although I could of avoided this new issue by cutting my toenails correctly.

I'll be back as ussual. In the meantime I'll still be doing my Day by Day vlogs.

[salvator here]

I'm sorry, Ponder I've been incapacitated. I'm better now though.

Will watch your videos and respond. I've missed you.

Yes, a break might be good. Take as long as you need and I'll be here.

Its about 2:30PM and trying to get back on on 2 feet and eat and get moving. Been sleeping too much. Wallowing and pitiful me again.

Will sit down and later and watch.

Sal

No need to reply :)

[salvator here]

So I decided to work my way backward and start at day 10. I actually like to do that and reflect even with myself.

Day 10 .. YYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY

You look so alert and focused and you've inspired me to get out of this cycle of self sabotage. Not much to say other that I'm very proud of you and you will continue to do it this time; I know it! Nothing but I enjoyed it and the prunes will help too with getting digestive track and perhaps the belly will start to decrease.

Yeah, just because you are choosing to to live clean and you are what you eat and put into your body doesn't change outlook of the world and other people. Just you getting better and other things could follow because of the ripple effect. No miracles or waiting for around for them, we need to put forth action and you look way better and the skin and eyes are wide open. The toe, I use scissors and do that same and sometimes bleed enough to feed more than one vampire. The shoulder is what it is and work around it and be cautious. You'll walk again when ready. Good you getting sun (no sun here) and I'm freezing my ass off Lol with heating blanket at night to cut back and running heat dries the air and not good.

Again, no need to reply and I'm going to push you off the activity stream on the main forum page (which I know you just love ... haha) and will post more later and into this week.

So awesome to see that level of change in 10 days. Doing well with cravings .. wow ... isn't that shit we put into our body (salt and sugar) nasty. I'm not where you are (yet) and I hope to make that change too, but not yet ready and others things like getting up and staying up would be a good start.

Really can't wait to watch day 9 and 8 and maybe 7 later.
https://media3.giphy.com/media/l378vPa4Cq1p6gb3q/giphy.gif

[salvator here]

Watching day 9 and wanted to just mention, taking into consideration that my computer is mostly held together with duct tape and super glue, the last 2 vids, for some reason, the sound is louder in the left channel than the right, Just wanted you to know in case. Actually, if I reverse the phase, its louder on the right channel so could be YT or smth.

About 8PM and will reply shortly after watching and I'll let you know what I'm gonna watch on netflix.

[salvator here]

Amazing that looks like an aquarium to me.

I'm going to edit as it come to me while I read.

Same! Lots of emotional baggage here to that I'm still not processing well.

Your skin ... no question a drastic difference from day 2 (I think I got 1/2 way through 3), not just because you were scruffy.

Ok, going to find something fun tonight - will let you know.

Just take good care as its 8PM and you know I need to power down at this time or else its pandemonium city here. I'm watching Jaws and might just go with that, we'll see.

[Ponder]

All good Sal - I'm not leaving - just taking a break because I thought you might be doing the same thing. I'll just assume your are my only subscribe. LOL Not that I care for all that, but do hope that is you - if not - oh well ... I have a secret admirer. Thanks for the kind words and the boost. Yayyyyyyyyyy LOL :) TY It helps. Speaking of Fish Tanks ... I picked up a 4 footer today. I am really happy about that. It will take time before I get fish in it but soon enough.

You know the channel now so I will no longer be linking them here. It really is me just spurring myself on and you helping of course. :)

Your computer is doing well ... if not for it we would not be interacting as we do.

Oh yea - sorry about the sound issues. Not sure ... I enable external mic. some of those other videos where on phone mic despite having plugs in external. sorry bor the buzz too. I get better mic in a few months if able too re $ and all that. That said, I am not having the same sound issues you mentioned other than having to turn my volume up and some electrical buzz. Try pulling out and in the 3.5 sound connecter the plugs into your audio in. Thanks for the feed back. I will check my end as well.

Hope you found something worth while on Netflix?

Srry its cold ... I sill advocate freezing to death hehehe ... best way to go ... Naaaaa - I hope you find something to warm you up in both body and spirit. You are sounding uplifted Sal ... I if I am reading correctly. I tried to be in my video as well. The one I just made I mean. Uploading Now - but needs time to process as well.

Yea - I will just check from time to time but have no real desire to post at the moment like I have been.

It's not all about me and I now have another media form into which I can create space just for that. I'll enable comments on my YouTube video just incase anything happens in here and or it may be easier to get my attention in there as well. That space will be more one in which I can control when it comes to trolling and the like. Speaking of which we don't need those likes either ... I have switched those off regardless of YouTube finally turning off dislikes. Zero views is also OK as well. I find just watching myself like writing to myself is also a great way to program good things which again is what I am good at doing.

I am so glad to be getting back on track. I really do appreciate the acknowledgements and please do feel free to let me know what is going on for you too.

Love the GIF!!!

Take Care Sal ... I be back in a few myself. Stay warm. :D

[salvator here]

Guess its about 2 AM over there and I just got up.

Wanted to quickly say, I didn't subscribe as I don't have an account. Does it show any information about your secret admirer? I can only see "1 subscriber' below your channel?!

Yeah, my 2 computers (both dell) are the air I breathe and means to connect to others from far away. This Dell Optiplex 745 is my main rig and my 2nd is a Dell dell dimension Pentium 4. Both are aging gracefully :) and I have them tweaked to get the most of what I have for my needs. Yes I do like emmabuntus linux,but I don't know how to write my own linux drivers for my printer. I don't duel boot and usually just go live dvd and quit and back to windows when I'm done. I know I said "never" to chrome but I eat my words and have started using as well as FF. So much telemetry that bothers me.

Will write more a bit later.

[salvator here]

Glad you mentioned Greek yogurt, I find it to be helpful for me and its 1 thing I want to use to replace chips and candy as a snack and I'm a huge herbal tea guy; as well. Yeah, I do also enjoy black and earl grey and am reading this article about the tannins.
https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/tannins-in-tea#bottom-line
https://www.healthline.com/health/food-nutrition/agave-nectar-vs-honey

[Ponder]

Thanks for sharing Sal. I have to admit out of all articles online I am most skeptical about food science as it rates as one of the most marketing ploys of all. That said, anything that requires more processing than nature intended I avoid regardless of whatever claims. For that resan I believe Honey comes out on top.

People with Diebetects can also use honey regardless of the claims. I think that article was trying hard to sell one over the other. Ive tried them all and will always stick with honey, although picky acording to processing procedures. But I am a nut case when I go clean and trust none of the artlicles anymore. That said thanks heaps.

I'm about to put a del optiplex on my desk as I work on my water cooling project sometime soon. Glad your getting a lot of use out of yours. It would be nice to try linux again.

I do not like the sub feature and that others and I can see views. Many other users like myself wish we could remove them. I am currenlty looking for another hosting site but they are all like that now. Thos that are not have subscription requierments for others to watch them. Go figuer.

Exscuse typos. Just getting up and using phone. 4% left. Have a good evening/night.

[Ponder]

Just got out of bed. I tried the tannin article but it used the word 'trusted source' too many times and kept saying 'health benefits' 'Health benefits' 'Health benefits' 'Health benefits' LOL re trusted source and the Covid info all over it which just made me hurl. Thanks again Sal - but this bout I am not getting into any articles at all. If I talk about food it is more about what works for me from my own experiences and I will do my best not to pass on articles or preach myself. Food science and promotions makes me as sick as junk food. I dislike today's so called influences very much. Again I am sorry for such a response to a well meaning gesture yet again thankful for it. I just want to be honest about my take on such things is all. I was a sheep using that kind of thing before on my prevoius health kicks and I am still prone to reciting likewise gobbledygook myself and don't like doing so. I feel like a hypocrite when I do.

I know what works for me based on my own experiences. Tannins clog me up and make my skin dry out all the more - Once again, whilst I care less for the science anymore - my guess is the tannin taxes my liver. I don't need the 'Health benefits' lol - of tannins. I will look at putting tannins in my fish tank from this point on but that's about it. Maybe on a free day if I ever implement a free day but I doubt it. I have a long way to go before I relax and play that game yet.

Today I must set up my OptiPlex PC and put my huge screen away and replace it with a modest one. That way I can still have a setup whilst taking my time on the water cooling project. In the mean time I need to research a few items to complete a proper tank setup. The waterline in holder well thus far bust too early to tell if it leaks. I show later in the day when I get time.

Sorry for being annual about the articles. I once use to share them myself but I no longer feel confident about 'anything' I read online. I now laugh because I just shared you a time stamp from online. Regarding trust. Trust as defined by Jon Kabat-zin author of 'Wherever You Go, There You Are'

Would you prefer if I do not respond in your newly created thread?

On with my day - if I do one thing that is moving forward ... it will to be have my OptiPlex setup and ready by days end.

[salvator here]

Just got up myself. Sorry, I feel asleep last night on the couch.

Sure, you're always welcome to post in my thread, just, over the next few weeks I might go 'cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs', so long as it doesn't drag you down during this time of healing and recovering, please do. I might not make much sense.

[salvator here]

I think I'm going to not buy anymore agave and find a better quality honey :)

[Ponder]

Thanks Sal :) - lol re agave.

Going cuckoo for whatever is OK Sal. I won't go down or anything. I am fully committed. Just uploading Day 13 now. Tomorrow I reach my mini goal. That said, I am really tired at the end of each day. I'm not full of energy at this stage and tire quickly after any short bouts of energy. Yet to start walking program but will get there. The fish tank was a sudden project that was instigated by my wife for my grandson because I persuaded her not to get a dog. I was still recovering from all the research into the water cooling project to which I now have all that parts. Because of fish tank I have had to put that one on hold. The switching between projects and sudden researching again has really taxed me. I seriously can not wait till I have NO projects. That said, I have to soon focus again to not mess up pulling apart my very expensive graphics card and doing hands on with all the research I have done. I am nervous about that project. I need to count every screw and have it put away with a good record of how it all goes back together so that when I do go to resell, it will look as good as new when Iput it all back together. Selling it with a water block is not an option so need to account for that.

Sryy I am rambling.

I've been watching Lost In Space in my down time between my chores. My plants also take to bit of time because I like those to also be healthy and well. That and the Yard despite the weeds and the week of rain. Please to say I am making progress there too.

Srry if I have missed any other posts ... ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I need to keep focused. Thanks again for your support.
_____________________

How are you doing - cuckoo is good! It makes me feel glad to know your sounding at least OK?

Listening to the tunes you linked in your other thread ... going to just drop a real quick note to play my part in supporting over there as well.

[salvator here]

So good to see you this focused. I only can hope at one point I'll be able to pull myself together, but I'm happy for you.

Yeah, cuckoo isn't so bad ;)

[Ponder]

Appreciate the encouragement Sal but I am not as together as you may think. I mean not to bust a bubble or anything but the truth is I am staring to lose it and said as much the Day 14 Video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yQmhLl5tZsg) I just uploaded. I'll leave the details in that vid as I don't want to be a drag. Just trying to say what a struggle it has been and question my attempt to be clean in such a toxic world. I'll work it out soon enough I guess.

Sorry about the fake drink you got. I read in the watching now section. Is good that you could at least tell. Must of been a pathetic attempt on that drink.

Is good that we both have some things to watch.

Here's hoping to a solutions around the corner for those things that plague us both. It really is about removing the triggers. This I have to come up with regarding my front door.

Take care ... catch up soon.

[Ponder]

I'm watching my food but currently gorging on Netflix for most of the day. Diving back in now that I just got some air. ;)

[Ponder]

I try to move on with my PC water cooling project tomorrow. Just started making up a step by step guide on how to pull apart my graphics card so that I can account for every nut, thermal pad and parts that are dissembled for storage. I need to know exactly how every part goes back together if and when I go to swap it out for a later model in the years ahead. The guide itself will take me quite some time ... then I need to make another one on how to put the water block on the GPU circuit Board without messing that up. Once I nail those guide and have a better understanding, only then will I feel comfortable moving onto the hand on.

I have finally found a coordinator and look forward to restarting therapy 2022. I only hope I can continue with my clean eating all the way trough. Once my projects are done, I think I have have the focus to start a walking regime again - and or cycling. I still have one good camera left, other than my phone. I might start using it - might ... as it tends to bring un-watned attention when using it out in public. It has a fair size lens on it. Using the camera requires a lot of desire. Just not there yet. Phone camera is much easier and even then still requires a spark of some kind.

That reminds me ... today I caught a Kookaburra on my phone that came right up to my outdoor plants and back door. I fed him some turkey meat as that bread enjoys meat. In fact, they often eat small snakes.

[salvator here]

Yes, please, try to continue to look forward because life is quite messy right now. Try to 'drag out' projects and hopefully get outside just for fresh air even just to walk to the end of the street. Sometimes I don't go very far at all until I have to go and hurry back inside. Everything is strange out there now.


...and look forward to restarting therapy 2022. I only hope I can continue with my clean eating all the way trough. Once my projects are done, I think I have have the focus to start a walking regime again - and or cycling. Hi Dave ... watching now. Ok, please remember we are living for ourselves (and family) in this god forsaken planet. I've accepted that I'll never (and do not want) to fit in. The principles and (so called) morals don't match with my being and I recognized it at childhood just wasn't able to identify it correctly and why suicidal thinking became a part of my life at an early age.

Anyway, will continue to watch and reply either after or later in the day.

Hang in there my friend, I'm right here with you.

EDIT: Going to edit this for the next hour and no need to log in or reply - try to relax for bed time.

Good you're still smiling - even faked - could be helpful for you. I think you're laughing AT the absurdity of life - right now and for yourself - poke and laugh AT it because its pretty damn absurd; indeed.

OK, people know better than to surprise me here at my door. Last time I wound up confused in my own home for weeks. If is possible and likely they ARE fucking with you by knocking and trying to purposely disrupt you? Yeah, you could need some support advocate and this is not just a "request'. I do think they are antagonistic and people like to mess with people that are struggling so it makes them fell normal. So juvenile are sheeple.

Yes, I can relate to those that are autistic or on the spectrum. You see, during my years of testing, I can't get a proper diagnosis because of the TBT [Traumatic Brain Injury]. Like you said, people think a bump on the head and everybody falls and not everybody is suffering ... it depends on how hard and where the fall is. As well as other complications of PTSD or mother drinking and smoking (in my case) during pregnancy.

Yes, xmas is already quite weird already, so please give yourself a break during this time and please step back away (as much as possible) to sleep (best medicine) and recover, and for what its worth, I've little desire left in me too. Very fatigued here, too.

OK ( I keep saying that meaning I think I get it )

I know you don't need validation from me, but hopefully you don't mind me doing so as its sincere from me and I can (very much relate). Remember what you said to me last year: Being unstable in an unstable world in 100% normal. You know, I never forget that and sometimes its the only think I've to hold on to.

"Fuck the world" what can I say other than I feel the same. Occasionally (rarely) does somebody get it right and right now, here, people are expecting God or (A God figure) or a politician to save them and make sense of this shit. Now I'm rambling because I'm also struggling and just want to stay out of the hospital because that is what they want me to be locked away and go away.

Please scratch my ramble and give it little to no thought right now. Just knowing you get it is enough for me.

I'm going to be thinking today about you and I WILL be here good bad or whatever, no pressure or worry. Try to enjoy your computer projects and music and whatever you can get from this holiday around grandson. I also wish well for your family and wife as I know they struggle. Lets just get BY it and let the blur and haze pass.

For now, just try to relax and let the sleep do its job. I've nothing planned today other than to clean because its needed pretty badly.

Off topic side note: Hahaha .. for as many times I've edited and typed and deleted text, what must the keyloggers think of me when I do that. Oh fuck them I could care less :D ... I hope "they" get a kick out of me and my "backspace" button on my keyboard.

See, let "them" get their kicks out of our struggles if it makes "their" day. I feel sorry for them because poking fun at us *could be* all they have; they are pathetic ;)

[Ponder]

Thanks ever so much Sal. Validating each other is needed more than ever before. It's because of this worshiping notion and concept of God highjacked and rewritten by politicians that humans and their society are utterly corrupt. Those of us not considered normal are the ones that typically see as much. The rest are blinded. So anytime your able to validate please do so as it will inevitably come back. We help ourselves by helping others. More so helping others you know and understand well. More so connect with. It is painful and depressing that those connections are becoming fewer. Yet look at how long we have been helping each other. That's priceless Sal. Priceless in a world that only knows money. In that regard we are untouchable from said toxicity.

It's hard not to curse but so glad your able to from time to time : ) You do it in a way that I can so relate and respect that your not continually doing it. So many times that is all the sheep choose to see when viewing others and then focus on pulling off their arms and legs with little regard for what makes who we be. In fact, they are taught to act like so in the face of anything that exposes the reality of the world in which they live. We may as well be living in the same time as supremacists and concentration camps. Those elites from said culture that the US migrated to it shores after WWII operate with the same intentions they did back then but do it in a much more calculative and elusive way where today's church goers and voters are all puppets to such schemes.
___________________________________

Thanks for the push. I got in a solid 25 minute brisk walk this morning and it felt good to be truly back on my feet. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/funny/1/walking-zombie-smiley-emoticon.gif

I'm glad you like my insane smiles and laughing it off as best I can. You can be sure it is genuine unlike most interactions of today. Both online and off.

I got a few parcels delivered yesterday within the parameters of who they are suppose to do it. I won't hold my breath, but it they start fucking with me again, I'll continue putting pressure back on them. Especially now that I am looking after myself. Allowing people to treat us like crap is akin to self sabotage. Of course when people are truly powerless, it is as you say - a very fucked up world where humans are showing the true cost of what it means to be human living in what is called society. This is exactly why today they have come up with labels to define what and how they choose to see us. Especially for those cognitively affected / impacted. Far better to blame the individual than give credence to the concepts of a flawed society that exacerbates this miss fortune of others and in most cases actually create the very disfunction it seeks to label.

Regarding your comments on diagnoses: Overlapping of conditions is not nearly explored as it should. The hierarchy of so called professionals in said world being overworked, understaffed and above all narrow minded educational programming all encompassed societal and personal agendas leads to affected individuals being anything but correctly diagnosed. The need to diagnose and the way in which it's done somewhat covered in the last sentence is in itself an insight that most lack. It's all part of the system in which at times we are forced to stay broken and results in individuals that do not fit having to continually have a negative perspective of themselves.

I really wanted to continue this as I like delving into your own situation when you bring it up like so. I appreciate your sharing anytime like so. The term TBT [Traumatic Brain Injury] seems to be similar to what I have known as ABI [Acquired Brain Injury] although can see how how the levels may differ just as traits do on a spectrum. YEP - how hard, how we fall, and all those other factors, symptoms and let's not discount societal influence - although the latter quickly dismissed by most mainstream health workers in favor of doctrine, politics and their own personal programming, bias and agendas.

No wonder we avoid health care professionals.

Thanks for being here Sal. I really do appreciate that. I know it can't always be so but man - you have been a positive influence for me.

Right now I have to go though ... my time is up as I have a busy morning is all.

LOL your ending candor. hahahaa Yes ... indeed they are pathetic and that was so well said.

This reply was easy to write so no stress about me trying any harder than I would otherwise of done. It's always a breeze when we catch up.

Take care and thanks again Sal - YEP - being abnormal is where it's at. Fuck being anything near normal in mainstream terms. That game is not for us. ;) Unsuspecting trolls maybe ... but that's about it. We do not want to fall so low. In that regards we are doing not so bad. Could be worse ... I am glad we are not like others in that regard. I only need one or two genuine people in my life VS those who are fake. You are definitely one of the genuine ones. We all have our moments ... but genuine people always come back and are always there.

[Ponder]

I know I say I would not link it ... but *&^% it - I'm starting to feel good about it.

DAY 16 - Lunch (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=66Bvu40_-Qc).

Still eating Clean - No coffee, No Black Tea, No Processed Sugar, No salt, No Mayo, No Bread, No Biscuits, No Take Away, No Drive Throughs, No Soft Drink, No Chips, No fried Food, No Pies, No Junk Food whatsoever.

17 Days straight: Tomorrow!

[Ponder]

Getting ready to for bed. Bit late but could be worse. Almost 9:30pm. Since I am making an effort with food it only goes to reason I should do it with my sleep patterns. Walking the footpath really sucks with skate boarders not moving over and that kind of thing. Trying to remain indifferent in a positive way is pretty hard when just starting to get out. Is hard not to reflect back the negative behaviors of others who get off on attacking tired and weak targets. It is easy for those already succeeding and thriving to spurt out cliché phrases about the law of attraction ... Laughs Out Loud. Sigh ... They can be as much a drain as those not prepared to give way to pedestrians.

Alas ... I will work it out like I used to. Look ahead, cross the road to avoid such interactions. I'm just going to have to work it out. Riding the bike has advantages in this regard but walking is what I feel I need to get on top of my fitness for where I am at. It pumps the heart in a different way via the calf muscle action. The calf muscle often referred to as the second hear and why we are slowly dieing when sitting for too long.

I have been having a hard time in reddit as well with my researching and the like. Just like on the foot path when people can sense you having a hard time, then pounce to quickly invalidate. Today I deactivated my reddit account. It's just too toxic to be in - at least for someone like me.

I sing off with this clip Sal: The walking I think will help me sleep tonight.

I do hope your feeling better as well. I have been reading :)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=720LQ25GJZY&list=PLV1WuGhvuHE81F0ZTGKpp1o8 D-l6iWhDF

[Ponder]

Day 17 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0puy2JN3H7M) increasing out door exposure with walking 2 hours a day every day form this point on. I have done it before and know how to pan it out. I also know the rewards and how quickly they can come in terms of eating healthy and healthy weight loss. Other than that I am dealing with procrastination.

[salvator here]

Getting ready to for bed. Bit late but could be worse. Almost 9:30pm. Since I am making an effort with food it only goes to reason I should do it with my sleep patterns. Walking the footpath really sucks with skate boarders not moving over and that kind of thing. Trying to remain indifferent in a positive way is pretty hard when just starting to get out. Is hard not to reflect back the negative behaviors of others who get off on attacking tired and weak targets. It is easy for those already succeeding and thriving to spurt out cliché phrases about the law of attraction ... Laughs Out Loud. Sigh ... They can be as much a drain as those not prepared to give way to pedestrians.

Alas ... I will work it out like I used to. Look ahead, cross the road to avoid such interactions. I'm just going to have to work it out. Riding the bike has advantages in this regard but walking is what I feel I need to get on top of my fitness for where I am at. It pumps the heart in a different way via the calf muscle action. The calf muscle often referred to as the second hear and why we are slowly dieing when sitting for too long.

I have been having a hard time in reddit as well with my researching and the like. Just like on the foot path when people can sense you having a hard time, then pounce to quickly invalidate. Today I deactivated my reddit account. It's just too toxic to be in - at least for someone like me.

I sing off with this clip Sal: The walking I think will help me sleep tonight.

I do hope your feeling better as well. I have been reading :)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=720LQ25GJZY&list=PLV1WuGhvuHE81F0ZTGKpp1o8 D-l6iWhDFThank you so much ... I felt like I was walking with you and you were talking to me. Do you know I've not walked with another person in years and years. Only a few people offered to walk with me and I'm too nervous around people and stumble. Ha .. I didn't used to be this way, but, oh well. I've forgotten how to casual conversation and just pointless small talk doesn't interest me. Also been quite some time I've gone into the street, but I will, because I miss it. Yeah, procrastinating to. Not that I mind at all walking by myself and my inner self which I sort of externalize into another person. My therapist said this is okay so long as I don't lose myself and I'm still in the drivers seat. Hard to explain. I'm just nuts; really :D

I closed my reddit and Quora quite some time ago for the same reason. Very toxic and ultra political now from what I see. I mean, people start talking about a game or new device and 3 comments down it turns into troll city. Yuck!

I know we're soft of limiting our places to interact with others and this place is just you and I at the moment. I do often think about Dahila; Gypsy; Kirk; Camille and some people that left us. Haven't yet written to Nicola at nmp because I would need a username change if I were to go back there.

[salvator here]

Struggling with my sleep actually and losing time so that is good your working on that. Very good :)

[Ponder]

Happy to do it again. I look at it the same way. Did you catch Day 17 a couple of posts back (I think you might of reading some of the points you mention) - I put some Jazz in the background for ya and was hoping you would like that.

Day 18 coming later but busy with my grandson who is a little ill at the moment. It's just me and him for now as my wife and daughter had to go to the city for a couple of days re hospital visits.

Thus I keep this short and will check in on those links you posted later. LOL at the joke. Hysterical that one. hehe

Yea it's tough re interactions and people today. It's not just us getting older Sal ... it is much bigger than that. There was a time where that analogy might hold, but fact is the way things used to differ between 1940 to 1950 to even 1960 at the base human interaction was a much much slower transition. It picked up pace a little between 1960 to 1970 to 1980 but going from 1990 to 2000 started to see more insanity in our culture as a human race. From 2000 to 2010 just more of the same and now 2010 to 2020 literally off the rails re human interaction. So it is that 2220 on onwards already into 2022 ... I rest my case. From that perspective putting on age limit on one's capacity is just one variable among so many others that it hardly counts. Not even the young one know who to interact as humans. At least not as humans did a mere 50 years ago. Totally different human race. I came into this world not even of that time I entered.

I wonder if you can understand what I am saying? I hope you do. Failure to interact on this current level where people are at is not something we should account as one of our faults. I much prefer people who do NOT fit in.

Gotogo ... Thinking of you and sorry I can't respond to all posts at this point. I will however for sure check out those links when I get a chance. I also try to fit in my Day 18 Vid ... I wont get out much over the next 2 days or if I do I will be too busy to record as my grandson requires constant watching.

Be well Sal - I am so totally on your level as I understand that to be. Perhaps no levels being the same but I hope you know what I mean.

Take Care

Back soon enough. Thx again for encarougment and I also encourage you to be and do what you feel is best for you. :)

[Ponder]

Early night - going to settle my grandson and help him heal. Might pop back when he is asleep but doubt it. Think I will watch some Netflix laying in bed with him. He is co-sleeper and we are fine with that. Too bad if others are into letting these kids self sooth. Sign of the times they way they come up with these BS terms. Calling people helicopter parents is for people who care less about their kids and more about themselves.

Got to go. here is Day 18 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RauYLcVQD6w) video.
Bluetooth headphones did not work - Audio is crap but will have to do. I at least logged in another day and still eating clean. Excuse the tear in my shirt. Is what it is when I care less to go out and enjoy relaxing in my own home. I leave all that exterior BS for those out in the street. Feeling better but worried I might catch my grandson's illness. Hope not. Here's to him getting better over night. I manage to keep he temps down all day.

I go see to him now.

Take care and sorry for poor quality vid.

[salvator here]

OMG ... that was so cool! I have a huge vinyl record collection and enjoyed that music very much :)

Thank you for your concern about the noise outside. Yeah, The lady down the hall was so scared and the new fella that moved in downstairs was saying it was scary. I talked to him and he is so sweet, maybe 22 and trying to manage here. Mentality of like 12YO and he described the machine (mulch machines) as caterpillars that suck up things. Ha. I did go outside that day and it helped somewhat, but I can see how it would seem scary.

Hope your grandson gets better and sometimes 24 hour virus, but need to wash hands and just be cautious.

Hope you enjoy Netflix and sleep.

I will write more later tonight after I watch your progress. Gosh I remember day 2 and 3 and now day 18. I hate to say this, you said you though you wouldn't make it had you continued that way you were, I think you saved your own life. You look healthy and bright.

[Ponder]

I hope the new guy downstairs is not vulnerable to any outside influences. Thus far I think you have only spoken positively about the complex you live in. I hope he will be ok. Let's also hope that now its been a little time since all that noise happened that nothing new starts up just as you guys have recovered. LOL - as is always the way. Perhaps not always but yea. What's the ambient street noise level like? Something you get used to and or work your own routine around? Is the road narrow or wide outside and what's both the pedestrian and traffic noise like during its peak? Is your street near any main artery or used as a short cut? I'm hoping you are used to it whatever it is that and you don't have too many noise makers in your actual complex. I think I remember you saying it was good like that?

Yea man - I was in chest pain territory for sure before eating clean. Fact is I still have to be careful as there are many stores where something comes loose in the arteries when on a comeback going hard with exercise after letting one's self go for so long. That's when you easily end up having heart attack when exercising. More meaning I am in that category right now if I go too hard at this current point. That is where water fasting can be great for later on; once you lose that weight. I really need to lose the toxins stored in my fat before water fasting as then I will be able to water fast much longer. Due to compromised organs my body shuts down much quicker than other fasters when doing water only. I do love the water fasts though. I feel like a million bucks after doing one of those and food is so much more vibrant ... even the chemically soaked kind. It really is a shame that Fresh Organic Produce in only unaffordable for most. I guess that may depend on where you live OR even if you can afford it, finding a good shop that has enough range of nutrients can be hard. I've seen a few places start up but like variety when it comes to peoples diets. The only one organic outlet that has lasted is more people are wealthy to boot and even then they do not give you a choice but a box with whatever comes. That to me is not good enough. I have varied tastes ad like to have a choice in what comes.

All that said, it's still better to eat fruit and veggies even if they are much more lacking in vitamins and minerals as well as still imo toxic no matter how much you wash them. Fact is, that danger of eating processed food, salts, sugars, process oils and yadda yadda is going to kill one quicker than non-organic veggies. The latter do not get stuck in your system and despite today's depleted soils - still have some iota of Vits & Mins in them. If you eat a LOT of them and do it a certain way (not over cooked - mostly raw and slightly cook) then yea - can be still way better than what you find in refine pills. Walking is the next best thing and whilst I hate to say it ... a certain level of metabolic resistance training - BUT - I take out the word training as I am really done with the term exercise as is now administered in today's society. LOL - just another form of toxicity that does more to damaged the body when view as such. Those that don't see that now, will in their later years. Just another thing that feeds the conveyor belt of the medical industry.

OK OK - enough ranting ... it does help though to keep me on track and find a new gentler path the is going to stick. I have a good plan this time around so that I can include some routine with a little body resistance to speed things up a little bit but NOT going to over do it. My balance ball arrived today which will provide me a good base of remedial exercise where my shoulder is concern. I doubt I could do a sit up or even a pushup with it. :)

Yea man - Day 19 today and Day 20 tomorrow. I'm not into goals setting because of how toxic that feels to me with the NDIS scheme I am on. I told the new coordinator that yesterday at our first meeting. I don't think she understands. I also told her that outside of my shopping for groceries, mental and wellbeing appointments, including GP, Scans, Hearing and Optical visits and perhaps a couple more involving outdoor exposure at the most basic level that I have zero interest in reintegration into society as many of these government engineered goal orientated plans would have it. I have no idea what she wrote down when I put it to her like that but I am sure she will digest it either way. I am not sure that I ever will. I am very close to giving up all those supports once I get better but that is another story. I really do feel like the constant warranting and assessments on top of the reviews is a VERY TOXIC and DEMEANING HUMAN experience that keeps me unwell. I will never change my view on that. In fact I often find the process traumatizing where it is only the carrot on the stick that keeps my in the loop. There is something not right about that. I feel it in my being that I am on the mark with my own assessment on such and I really want to get off the NDIS because of how toxic the admin is and the impact it has on people such as myself. I have been asked to write express as much to one department that deals with human resources on some kind of government scale but I just feel like I would be pissing in the wind. I may or may not do it. Still thinking about it. Perhaps when I am feeling better and before I decide to extricate myself.

As long as I get to keep the basic disability pension which I am pretty certain is guaranteed. I would not be leaving because I am no longer permanently affected (their language is so binding and meant to be that way) but because the system as they currently have it for neurologically and mentally challenged ('stressed' a more fitting term) is more determinantal than what the carrot on the stick really has to offer. The system really is more economically focused beyond those they promote their services too which is why they view the schemes as insurance based. The interactions with disabled people are all based on legal language that adheres only to set goals of an obligatory nature where any deviation will see a client reduced but more so in that very process dehumanized being more my point. You see, they continually pressure people to keep using services based on financial reasons or otherwise your plan will be reduced. This just happened to me again yesterday during a meeting. It really is hard to explain beyond what I have expressed thus far but I will put my finger on it and submit it to whomever is claimed to be the one consider such thoughts - BUT - I think in the end I can be more than what they make me out to be. They say they have the same aims, but it is very much undermined by the way the administer and sell their goals which they say are mine. It could not be further from what makes me me.

Like I say - as long as I can afford rent, food, a rood over my head and perhaps a connection to the web as is now considered a vital connection in terms of how we are socializing on this level ... I think I want to me that my goal. There is far too much on this scheme on am on that is very demeaning and inhumane. Your become more a product rather than a client that is human. Their policies and producers are ruthless in this regards.

Righto - time to go see how the little guy is. Tamps still under control but still has sore tummy and slightly warm.

Catch up later.

[Ponder]

Just a quick one,

He is doing much better now Sal. He helped me with some food prep, brightened up and ended up taking in a bowl of slow cooked porridge and coconut sugar. The latter the lessor of two evils. :)

Hope your day / evening was also better?

[salvator here]

Just a quick one,

He is doing much better now Sal. He helped me with some food prep, brightened up and ended up taking in a bowl of slow cooked porridge and coconut sugar. The latter the lessor of two evils. :)

Hope your day / evening was also better?That is so good to hear - I'm doing ok I guess. I slept a lot today and ate a nice soup dish as well. Not exactly that most healthy as is was potato and bacon stew ... haha :)

I figured I'd offer a hand for others that may want to join us here from the MSFN forum. Perhaps around the holidays people might need support or want to talk with us here anxiety or no anxiety. I'd like to say we're just a normal group here, but I'm glad to say I wouldn't want to be anything at all resembling "Normal" in this world. We are real I will say that much and genuine people. I hope our little forum will pick up soon.

Gonna look for something on Hulu tonight as I've not looked in a while. Should check out shdder as well. I'll let you know if I find something worth watching.

[Ponder]

You for sure let me know if you find anything worth watching. I know subject but do run it past me all the same. I would really appreciate that. I spend so much time looking these days compared to actually watching. Netflix can get depressing like that. hehe

Yea man, I here ya about a little more life in the forum. All the best with that and happy to oblige in an encouraging way and or bite my lounge when needed. Smiles.

If you don't mind, what is MSFN forum?

I installed Zoom Sal ... thinking about some groups online. What ones I don't know. I mean I installed it on my beasty computer before swapping to this one here. I will show this OptiPlex off in my next video. Could you please link your distribution of Linux if not too much trouble?

You made me hungry Sal ... Oh yea - maybe on my next relax day I would be open to making my own soup like that. I am still eating red meat as well. Just no where near as much. I think moderation is good with some foods. Maybe one day I will get back to that level ... but will for sure have to be a dedicated off day that is not often kind of thing. May once every two weeks. Right now though, I am still treading myself as hard care addict in rehab. :) It's working thus far.

[Ponder]

Sorry Sal - Just saw the MSFN post. I think I get it now. All good. I see how that goes before making an entrance or perhaps I should extend a welcome too? Sometimes when so quiet I feel like I am walking on eggs shells :) Glad your here to welcome like so. Good call! Is all we can do.

[Ponder]

Because my other computer is tied up I am now using different thumbnails. In this one I show off my OptiPlex Computer.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleep-in-bed.gif

https://i.ibb.co/wMkzNSJ/You-Tube-Thumbnail-1280x720-px.jpg
*****EATING CLEAN ***** (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bfFTLZC1M8U)

[Ponder]

Family is home - going to take a few days break but will focus on my clean eating countdown for a bit. I am hoping the space will allow for others to come forward Sal. See what happens. Maybe I come back in a weeks time or thereabouts. You know where to find me. Feel free to use PM as well. I might even do so myself. ;)

[salvator here]

Sure, enjoy your break and I'll message you later today just to say hello. Always good hear and see your doing so much better.

I've only messaged a few people on here all these years. Although I'm not shy posting, I am somewhat 1-to-1 chating. Really strange, had a few bad times chatting many years ago and I now have a phobia, I guess and never use the chat rooms. No chat apps at all on my computers since (maybe) 2013. I am very shy in real life. Timid.

I do love my OptiPlex and the Dimension; as well, they've have been with me thought so much. The Dimension forces you to take your time ... haha. I like your monitor too.

I'm still on Emmabuntus DE2 32bits (Debian 9 Stretch XFCE i686) actually, but I'm having trouble find the old link. Will look harder.

EDIT: I think this isi the link.
https://sourceforge.net/projects/emmabuntus/files/Emmabuntus%20DE2/Images/1.06/emmabuntus-de2-i686-stretch-1.06.iso/download

Talk later :)

[salvator here]

I think moderation is good with some foods. Maybe one day I will get back to that level ... but will for sure have to be a dedicated off day that is not often kind of thing. Was going to ask if you could "Cheat" every now and again without trigger. I don't eat too bad compare to some, still need to improved and let up on sugar.

[Ponder]

Hold that thought. I can't go anywherejust yet. Just had a dream that although is fading rapidly summed upquite a lot for me. This is going to be hard because of just how fast I'mlosing the grip. It was hard to make sense of but since I woke up (3:amfrom broken sleep) ... In the time I wiped my eye took a trip to take a pee, Iprocessed that dream rapidly with all kind of insights coming to mind andfigured I best make this post whilst additionally reminding myself why I ameven here.

The Dream:
Is spasmodic and has all the hallmarks but notthat which can be easily decoded by some book. Going to have to freestylethis one.

I ended up in a court room in what they call thedog box. I could not find my way after being directed to find my place asI was just too overcome with it all. Being lost as I was, I wasimmediately mocked by all attending, except the soul who ended up sittingbeside to me. Instead he gave me a hug to which I ask what it wasfor. He simply replied and said that "too many people have diedwhere we are sitting today." He too was lost and terrified.

I don't know man. I just step out of my dream for a moment to give much needed context to what's going on in my head whilst trying tokeep a bead on my dream. This one had too much in it that I think I needto keep.

So many people online keep telling me how to thinkand its all starting to take a toll as I shut down different accounts and nolonger want to participate online at any level. The amount of disdain Iam sensing in others is just over the top - even myself at times I find howeasily I am laughing with the masses at the most stupidest things. Likehow we all laugh at someone being scared because some guy hiding in a bushjumped forward and scared the shit out of someone. Those who do not laughalong on camera are quickly ostracized by the masses. In fact those fewtraumatized who our slower than others to conform quickly do so once theynoticed he camera. Again ... those that don't conform are quicklyridiculed by those caught up in the insanity of laughing at others whom givenin to fear. AKA YouTube videos Pranks and so on.

What I have just revealed is where we are as asociety and if you can't see what I am saying then that's OK - you just won'tunderstand what I am saying or where I am going. To be it worries me verymuch because as a traumatized human in the world I am one of the ones thatsenses such triatic are debilitating the human race. Yet it is being moreand more encouraged in the same way I feel under attack ... as I engage on Day 20 of giving up the drugs. Many will try to put the feeling of oppressionback on me by further demeaning me. Again is why I left Reddit and justrecently yet another place where the same thing was happening.

BACK TO MY DREAM: TRUST ISSUES
Before my mocked entrance into the court room ...out in the holding area I was with my wife and a few others all of whom whereon trial for one thing or another. Apparently my wife was havingrelations with another that cut deep into my soul. He too was in the roommocking and attacking me in one form or another. TRUST is the major themehere and it feeling ever so brutal being so close to home. This one acommon theme to dreams like many elements within the one I had tonight. Main issue there is not so much the broken trust as projected in my dream butmore that which exist in my so called waking life. As you know I sleep inmy own room and have been for years now. I have previously spoken aboutthe difficulties in that transition.

My wife too is extremely exhausted with hersomewhat terminal illness. Whilst they have drugs to help her corruptedimmune system, her disease comprised of something growing in her spinal columnthat slowly drains the life out of here with each passing day. For otherswith whatever level of her illness it can start more in the brain and work itsway down ... however that goes its about as debilitating as all my conditionscombined and I see it in her face and very being day by day. That saidshe does an awesome Job we our grandson where his safety in our care is whatkeeps us going less we fall victims to those conditions this world would haveus solely identify with. Of course is not so hard to disconnect when thephysiological impacts the physical.

At any rate the above explains well the lack of intimacy that I have chosen to continue living with yearafter year. To be sure there many ways of being intimate, but for me it'sbeen a HUGE hit with not being able to touch. I could care less for the sexbut admit like anyone of the flesh and addiction it too is always on my mind... but the major point here is I don't even get any form of touch which makesit extremely hard as I am a very touchy feely guy that likes the way Iam. I do not gel well with those that again, negatively turn the tablesand say all that is a needy thing purely resultant from a life time of abusesuffered early on. Whilst that can be an 'element' it is more often madeinto something it is not like people who flog doctrine to death to make theirown points to suite wrong and right whilst at the same time preaching how tolet go of ego. Think Irony and Insanity with how we are conditioned torelate like so.

[Ponder]

Cont ...
Basically, to keep on track that lack of intimacy via touch, hug, soft hand on shoulder and so on (often pushed away on those rare times I try to connect like so) makes me slowly die over time giving way to depression and a host of other life draining symptoms that all manifest into the same a similar state of digitation as my wife. In some sense she may as well be the other played roll of the criminal next to me who was the only one to give me a hug whilst so lost and afraid - but due to her state and where she is at I would have to say minus that hug.

I would say the feelings of hurt I was enduring in the dream re my wife and this other projected threat by way of her having relations with another whilst I live as I do in my waking life also reflects the manner in which I am viewed by my wife. Sadly it is not much. Just another affected human who is not worth much in the equation. In fact, just viewed as another drain when not being utilized for making life more convenient. I am also doing this myself and I think we all do as we lack the energy. It is the current state of humanity. That said I love my wife dearly and will go as far as I can go with her. I'm just giving context to my dream to make sense of it and the world as I am in currently in it.

Moving On: Back To The Dream:

So with that realization taking place now, but as I sensed it in my dream - that threat and hurt quickly subsides as expressed above whilst I am now lead into the court room. Having been mocked as I made my way in not knowing what or what or where to go ... and after the other guy facing his own end quickly hugs me ... The judge gets up and approaches me.

He starts massaging my head whilst the court room drops to a deathly silence where I eventually drop to the floor face first suddenly naked.

Every one starts to laugh again. Reminding me about Youtube and how we are all conditioned in mass to laugh at people in fear. Yet it goes deeper than that.

A judge presiding over me in front of peer humans all mocking me. In fact it was after the judge returned to his bench and whilst I was laying face down naked face paralyzed with sadness more encompassed with confusion than imprinted fear, that the judge then proclaims that my falling to the floor after his charming was proof I was not normal like all of them. Thus I should continue to be ridiculed like so. I was told I was not even human and did not deserve he same rights as them.

I knew as he spoke and acted as he did that he was completely wrong and understood what was going on. I guess this is when the dream became a lot more lucid where I eventually broke the emotional binds and stood up and expressed just how I had in fact allowed him to induce a calming sensation as he stroked my head the way he did. I knew it was all a display as pretty much everything we do in this waking life is. Especially online. But make no mistake this story comes from what I experienced in my dream which was quite real to me and to be sure much of what comes to manifest in out subconscious relates to our waking moments as well.

So It was in all the intense overwhelming moments where I was lost, sad, confused with all the mocking and ridicule that I decided to allow myself to be put to sleep within the dream as it was all becoming too much ... yet I whilst I momentarily gave in to disconnect from the pain I was also lucid within said lucid dream. Often it is how I operate in my waking state.

I was more clear about what was going on than those being conditioned by the notion that if they too where found to be abnormal that it would be them laying naked, face down after being put to sleep like so.

My attempt to stand up for myself was met with more ridicule where it was then that I actually woke up and got out of my bed and proceeded to ponder how I would remember as much as I have. More happened to be sure in the beginning and throughout but I think I have covered the essence quite well.
_____________________________________________

I take a break now. There is much taking place in here with how I be and how overs typically interact in other places online. Just like my wife I too am finding myself more and more weary with this somewhat pathetic existing known as mankind. I won't be silenced ... I intent to keep writing so whilst now feeling there is something that wants to silence me ... I feel I should not.

So scratch the idea that I am having a break. Yes I am back and forth all over the place with said statements but is how it is. Day 20 off the drugs and playing my cards as they have been dealt. There is so much to be gained in this last attempt I make to live a little longer. I think it is best said like that.

I also think that the video my mother sent me about kids being adversely affected by the corvid vaccine has also affected me. Especially at a time my grandson is sick. There was more to it with more people losing their jobs and others their lives as a result of the CV vaccines. Whilst I don't doubt it, I replied as best I could saying that I don't trust anyone in this world point blank but I could respect everyone's take and feel deeply for all involved. That I have taking the first vaccine under great duress and not happy about current controls. That in that manner I would also more than likely allow myself to be injected a second and third time but not sure after that. For me that will be the middle ground of compliance for compliance sake but will more than likely come a time that I will not allow myself to be injected continually and if it means I get sick then that is also ok but then there is something that tells me I will also most likely not get sick ... yet none of it really matters to me as I see a far far more sinister plan going on that whilst has been going on for our whole existence, that it is winding up quite fast and that in the end this life is not what so many make it out to be. That is is OK to no longer want to be in it.

Only then at such a point can we then make either really let go or not.

That's a wrap ... I see if I can sleep otherwise I go for a long walk.

ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz This is why normal people will never understand me and that is 100% OK with me. I'm just over laughing at others in pain and whilst on the surface appear to conform ... am far from it. Yet my non compliance is a work in progress not to live in resistance as to do so only feeds the demons that wish to judge us.

Knock me out, put me to sleep but I will never fall for this web of description in which we all live. It is the same with the white light, life review and all that BS - I'm not buying that either ... yet I choose not to believe any would be story that claims whatever. They all amount to the same thing; suffering.

I do what I can to just not be in so much pain and connect with only those few who feel and understand as I do. Not going anywhere and not going to be silenced.

You think this is overthinking? Thinking has nothing to do with what I just experienced. It was and is as it was and is. The whole matrix deal is looking pretty close for me at the moment ... but that's too complex for most humans today to even consider. Takes too many characters to decipher. God help those that even try to express anymore than a few lines of text.

Laughs out loud ... re normal mindsets on that front.

Whatever.

I'm awake ... sun is up ... going for a walk. FTW as in Fuck This World ... I will continue coming off the drugs regardless of how lonely at that is proving to be. I think giving up most of the things I mentioned recently may be a good thing. This world only wants us to be chained ... The drugs no longer work for me.

[Ponder]

Was going to ask if you could "Cheat" every now and again without trigger. I don't eat too bad compare to some, still need to improved and let up on sugar.

Just saw that after posting my dream:

I wish I could Sal but the answer really is NO. (sorry I don't mean to be loud but just have to affirm like that often now when confronted all the time in my house with others continually taking is stuff I am still struggling with - that is all) I am an addict. It runs very deep within my family. I am truly as prone to all sensory issues as I ever was as a chronic alcoholic. The best way for me is very much like an ancient monk living in the hills. Metaphorically speaking when in rehab mode.

The cheats I use have to be different and any attempt doing so is a very very thin line and I really can't afford to take another fall, lest I find myself laying naked face down on the floor paralyzed in the insanity of it all. The latter a reference to my dream.

Yea man - you have a good hold as I have read your eating habits and very pleased you are seemingly in control of it. Not easy to do at all. My sensory issues as plays into labeled conditions are deeply ingrained when it comes to any form of heightened experiences. Hard to explain. For not I continue as is like the monk in the hills. :)

I go for that walk now that I just said I would.

Hope you are having a good evening. Chin Up and a little smile in moving on.

[Ponder]

Not going to edit because taking the time is just not appreciated by most reading who often then tell me I over think which I find insulting. This time I leave all the above with all its defects. Srry for the inconvenience. I will in other posts ... but that needed to fly as is. Adios.

[Ponder]

Sure, enjoy your break and I'll message you later today just to say hello. Always good hear and see your doing so much better.

I've only messaged a few people on here all these years. Although I'm not shy posting, I am somewhat 1-to-1 chating. Really strange, had a few bad times chatting many years ago and I now have a phobia, I guess and never use the chat rooms. No chat apps at all on my computers since (maybe) 2013. I am very shy in real life. Timid.

I do love my OptiPlex and the Dimension; as well, they've have been with me thought so much. The Dimension forces you to take your time ... haha. I like your monitor too.

I'm still on Emmabuntus DE2 32bits (Debian 9 Stretch XFCE i686) actually, but I'm having trouble find the old link. Will look harder.

EDIT: I think this isi the link.
https://sourceforge.net/projects/emmabuntus/files/Emmabuntus%20DE2/Images/1.06/emmabuntus-de2-i686-stretch-1.06.iso/download

Talk later :)

Sorry I missed this one. Was kind of distracted when I woke up after my weird dream.
Things are not always as they seem but is good not to dwell on the things that drag us down. Forget about what I said as last night I realized I probably need more journal more than I think. Sorry to be such a scatter brain.

CHAT ROOMS - I guess have their place but not something I myself have gelled well with in the past as can at many times end up a liver version of Reedit. lol Yet - they can have their moments. For some the postings back and forth with time in between is a better option whilst for others the frivolous nature of instant communications is more entertaining, relaxing and or more personal if one can beleive they are dealing with the real McCoy on the other end. At other times we can be more ourselves Vs that in our own homes or out on the street and most certainly Vs grinding the mill.

Just reading now - looks like is will fly beautifully on this computer.
I think I will install it straight to HDD as the windows crack I am using is out of date and I'm now getting pop ups on this particular PC. Whilst I have an up to date windows install USB I will for sure install this and give it a go.

I really appreciate you finding that link but think I will find the 64bit version with an online install guide to HDD using refus.

I opted to go with this one → Emmabuntus Debian Edition 4 – 64 bits (Debian 11 XFCE/LXQt amd64) (http://dl.emma-de4x64.emmabuntus.org/)
Going to use this Install Guide (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yWFqD4aQf2w)

Update have downloaded Iso and Rufus with USB formatted and on the ready. Will have to install after todays windows gaming session with a friend than let him know I am going Linux!!! lol - generally don't use exclamations. All good - he will take a sigh of relief when I get my water cooled PC happening again. That said I do intend to keep the Linux on the side for a number of dedicated operations. Sal - your going to be my Linux IT from this point. LOL Just kidding but I may ask a couple of questions in general though.

O oH ... Just realized its an AMD focused file. Something I do not want. Going to have to search for a Linux distro that is not Intel Biased. Lest I run into all kinds of compatible issues or simply just not as stream lined for intel. Which is what yours is but 32bit.

Technically, i686 is actually a 32-bit instruction set (part of the x86 family line), while x86_64 is a 64-bit instruction set (also referred to as amd64). From the sound of it, you have a 64-bit machine that has 32-bit libraries for backwards compatibility. (https://www.lifewire.com/what-is-i686-2190357#:~:text=The%20identifier%20i686%20refers%2 C%20broadly,processors%20from%201995%20and%20later .&text=The%20i686%20standard%20runs%20a%2032%2Dbit%2 0operating%20system.)
Having trouble finding an intel version that is 64bit and 'not' AMD.

Currently searching on the following with no luck this far.
Emmabuntus for intel 64 bit (https://www.google.com/search?sxsrf=AOaemvID4uL7OhJDY6zV1Ihinxeh_2toIA:16 39522215501&q=Emmabuntus+for+intel+64+bit&spell=1&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiF7IWasOT0AhUKzDgGHZvjDRcQBSgAegQIARAx&biw=1920&bih=975&dpr=1)

I might go another distro Sal.
I messed up the specs on this computers when I said it was a single core when instead it is a 4 core / 4 threads. I have so many computers that I bought. I feel the need to differentiate the charity PC venture that I have kind of given up due to NDIS scheme sucking the life out of me. Long story but those computers are generally older again and I don't use the personally. Other peoples junk we spend time fixing that many in the community later disrespect because they think they are getting something brand new. Another reason I have backed off. Is like a slap in the face spending so much time making a piece of work that others do not appreciate. You have a good thing going with how you are making yours last so long.

OK - back to my dilemma with Emmabuntus. It really is made for older computers than my optiplex 990 but more so because I have upgraded with comparatively up to date parts for it's time.

CPU: ... Intel® Core™ i5-2400
Total Cores 4; Total Threads 4; Max Turbo Frequency 3.40 GHz; Intel® Turbo Boost Technology 2.0 Frequency‡ 3.40 GHz; Processor Base Frequency 3.10 GHz

RAM: ... 16 GB Dual Channel DDR 3 Ram 1333Mhz

GRAPHICS: ... 2GB Dedicated Low Profile NVidia GeForce GT 1030

HARD DRIVE: Seagate Barracuda 1TB 7200rpm SATA 6Gb/s Cache 64MB

______________________________________
I'm going to match up those components to a recommended distro base on my main parts as listed above and go from there. I need to avoid AMD and go with something more compatible (less conflicts) to NVidia 64bit Quad Core (although only second generation but still somewhat higher than the Emmabuntis perquisites)

Wish me luck - might have to pick between Ubuntu and Linux Mint.

[Ponder]

Just joined
https://i.ibb.co/vDvgKmb/Linux-dot-ORG.png
Momentarily. You can be sure I won't last long in there. lol

Will add my specs and see what others recommend with X,Y & Z in mind.

[Ponder]

Soaked for 24+ hours and now ready to be dried. Home Activated Nuts in a Way you can Trust. Much more processable without all the unwanted factory traces elements. Otherwise best left for birds to digest. lol. On that score I notice a huge difference. The goodness gets in further without all the antinuritrant. Sorry ... I did say I would not preach. ;)

https://i.ibb.co/59J0PFt/20211215-110027.jpg

[Ponder]

I am deleted my own link above because you do not need to see that shit. Deleted post due to unhelpful crowed by having to sepll out the BS - They do not allow for original post to be deleted. Obviously thrive on drama. Just playing World of Tanks with long time trusted friend who says it was the reason he gave up Linux. I really put a lot of effort into my post which was rather concise for the technical level involved but in typical fashion most just come back referring you onto irrelevant links and telling you to go to read. So it is that I deleted my thread and basically told the moderator who was holding most of my responses back outlining the above that I did not have time for said BS game.

I'll persist but won't interact on a community level. Nothing has changed with that crowed either. Waste of space and just another drain.

Having a bad day but have started working on my GPU water-cooling project. I fear I should of not gone anywhere near those 'people' over at Linux. Fuck them.

I hope I don't fuck up my graphics cards. Here's to what comes next.

https://i.ibb.co/Gv8CKcT/20211215-144711-1.jpg

:)

[Ponder]

Sorry about the foul mood re the Linux forum. That really fucked up a good portion of me day. I recovered by completing the first step to my water cooling project. Took the other half of me day. Pretty happy with the clean Job I did as getting after using a magnifying glass I could see a lot of residue from the thermal pads and thermal paste on both sides of the circuit board that needed to come off. Results are bellow. I left out most of the steps as I don't have my photoshop working on this computer just yet.

https://i.ibb.co/PcDjHGL/STRIX-RTX-3080-Ti-Back-Circut-Board.png


https://i.ibb.co/CWyF7Fx/STRIX-RTX-3080-Ti-Front-GPU-Circut-Board.png


https://i.ibb.co/d06gx5Y/XG7-STRIX-TRX-30-Series-Water-Block.png

I am still a little worried about this water block as it was missing quite a few thermal pads when putting it back on. I specifically asked if I my card would require backplate pad to which they said no. It was pretty clear to me during the install process that I did. Yadda Yadda. I'm already still messed over the Linux forum so not gong to beat myself up any more. I can underclock the card to avoid any major or permeant damage when doing early tests. I'll run it underclocked if its not up to the job and change it for a more suitable block some time in the coming months.

Next job is to do a complete break down of my other case and start transferring all the parts in tot he new case then prep it for the water tubing measurements ... install pump and reservoir + radiator. That will most likely take me two day.

I'll see if I can get photoshop working in the mean time. Thus far have been using online photo editing sights to get by.

I best go for a walk to calm myself as the recent break to my routine has my head spinning.

Yet to get my Day 20 Vid down, dinner and a few other things.

Still on track. I'll work out the Linux install later on Sal. Gong to take more time as unable to communicate in those forums.

[Ponder]

Twenty Days Of The Drugs!!!

http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/new-year/fireworks.gif


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HNf7_s77i28

[salvator here]

so happy and proud of you. I'm reading today and have read all above.

~Edited and moved to my thread.

Yeah, Linux is something I do enjoy and I do use Ubuntu 16 and Lubuntu 18 (old) too, but, really, not sure I could use it as my 'daily driver' and windows is just where its at for me. That doesn't shock me that the Linux forum is toxic. Just MSFN for me as far as computers/tech goes. Nobody would want me anyway. Still have not written to Nicola and I do miss the people, but was becoming a drain some days. Looking at other forums and I don't at all like what I see to be honest out there and some forums are trigger city for me.

I'm very glad to have you as my friend here. Miss some other people that have left.

Sorry my friend to be a downer on you, but I read everything and can relate to more than you know.

There is not turning back and the drugs will only poison us (which is what "they" want - to kill ourselves) We can't Can't! Refuse! Yes; same here, I can not cheat even 1 sip and I'm done like dinner.

PS: You delicious healthy foods are so inspiring and helped me today to want to put better things into this shell of me.

[Ponder]

Thx Sal - definitely helps to have support. I wish there was something I could do for you?

I really hope you get back into the Needlepoint Stitching.

https://i.ibb.co/6XCLrc6/1.png


https://i.ibb.co/tctTb1H/2.png


https://i.ibb.co/RpSx6j2/3.png


https://i.ibb.co/NTGrMRR/4.png

Another Dolphin one → Here (https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Fae01.alicdn.com%2Fkf%2 FHc262b1840e0745d9becdf2f4385437cdi%2FJoy-Sunday-Dolphin-D952-14CT-11CT-Counted-and-Stamped-Home-Decor-In-The-Ocean-Animal-Needlework.jpg&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.aliexpress.com%2Fitem% 2F32835332632.html&tbnid=0VQN0QEjlS5JiM&vet=12ahUKEwjUheCpj-f0AhUxUWwGHYt0CdsQxiAoAHoECAAQFA..i&docid=g7v4rI7ICOP8PM&w=800&h=800&itg=1&q=Needle%20stitch%20%20Dolphin%27s%20finsished%20w ork&ved=2ahUKEwjUheCpj-f0AhUxUWwGHYt0CdsQxiAoAHoECAAQFA)

Seem to really brighten up the place and after watching a quick video seems relaxing once you know what to do. Even just looking at kits to select seems like a nice past time : ) ... The scope for creating a theme and the like. Don't give me ideas Sal ... But yea man - I really think this would be a good thing if you could somehow budget for it?

Understand the edit and moving around of text. All good. I was thinking about your situation pretty much all morning and sending the best vibes I could. You can be as heavy as you need to be around me at any time. Yea is best to avoid those triggers when we can. I miss some of the others too. People change, move on. Some stay the same and move on. Some may pop back and other may not. I'm just glad your here. No one is holding anyone back.

Narrr Man - not at all. Not a downer in the slightest. I'm glad you understand just how powerful the addictive nature can be. I senses you already knew given your own admissions re struggling with the drink and all - but now having put that one to rest. A+++++ on that.

Hehe - glad your able to get something good out of my ramblings and shares. Lately I am into finding quick dishes that are still healthy as I just seem to be doing more each day and don't want food prep to take up all my time .. that said there are some preps that I am now finding more like a regime that I find myself relaxing during that process. Knowing not to struggle but embrace it and as I am getting better with the timing it's all becoming much easier despite and regardless of my clinical deprive outlook that lingers like so. That is getting slowly better with each day.

But enough of that - Seriously Sal ... do please consider getting into the cross stich / needle sticking. Looks really great and to have something on the wall that you did yourself makes it just that more healing. The scope for choice is amazing.

Take care ... just wanted to encourage you ... help lift you up from the hole you mentioned before. I totally get those feelings man and is no good for any of us to just leave the other hanging there. You're never heavy bro, never will be. I know each of us may feel that way at times but matters little how active this place is and how many others are in here as long as there is two or more reaching out with genuine intent ... that speaks volumes to just how crucial this place really is.

YOUR AWESOME DUDE ... start working out the funds and looking at some choices and show me when you have the energy what kind of images your considering ... also the kit to do the work.

Late man ... I go continue with some of my hobbies and show again a bit later.

I'm as equally grateful that we are friends as well and able to help each other in the way we do. That's what these forums should really be about.

Peace Out. ; )

[Ponder]

22,600 Steps - 3 hours walking, over two bouts today ... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f5NAN9MjeUU

[Ponder]

That sore throat I mentioned in my Vlog had me wake up at 1:30am. I slept for only four hours after falling to sleep around 9:30pm. It is very dry, scratchy and was somewhat painful when taking a breath upon waking up. At this stage there in no pain in my ears and swollen glands that I can tell. My room is somewhat dry and I've been in close prolixity to my grandson all thorough his own illness which still lingers. His was more stomach related however could still have something to do with it.

I've had two eucalyptus lozenges that felt more like balls of sugar. I was quite disappointed that I resorted to such given the last 21 days of abstaining from sugar. I'm just now boiling some fresh ginger and will add honey and let it cool. It does not help me to think of how often I am prone to dry sore throats when I factor in how my biological father died of throat cancer. It's not the type of cancer one would choose if they had to take a pick. Or so I have read which I better stop. Laughs out loud and ouch. I tried to stave it off over the last 24 hours with a couple of betadine gargles; but obviously to no avail.

No doubt the push to walk so far on top of my Grandson being ill, dry room, mouth breather and server deviated septum are all factors. The last two for me make sore throats a common recurrence which worries me being prone to what took out my bio-father. I feel for him as he lived a hard life - that I at least had in common with him. Many of my bouts do include sore ears and swollen glands a head of time but let's just hope those do not come into play for now.

I was suppose to go and get my second shot of the CV vaccine today but think I will have to cancel. The government just reopened the boarders and now we 'apparently' have cases of CV where the town is now all hyped up with mask waring and staring each other down. No an issue if you can switch off but I feel for people similar to me that find that hard to do. The puppets here often panic buy and purchase all the toilet paper. It's becoming quite annoying how easily the media make people panic like so. Fucking going out and waring a mask while I have a throat festering bacteria. Unfortanely I have eaten most of my fresh fruit and veggies. I'll have to settle for the lesser quality stuff when ordering online. It really peeves me how they do that every time. So much so that despite the social phobia I have been going out to get better quality food since eating clean. For now given the mask waring … I think I will resort to online until I recover from this sore throat. Hopefully it will not be a week long bout or even worse bring on flu like symptoms with the protentional to knock me down longer than a week as has been the case once or twice in the last year.

I regret all the text over a sore throat. I really detest this kind of illness as has the potential to go full blown more often than not from my experience. Drinking and smoking heavily for so many years kind of strip most of the hairs from the back of my throat. If only I could do it all over again. I think I'll switch the betadine to salt gargles, stick to fresh honey ginger tea, avoid the sugar lozenges - maybe ask my support person if they could swing by the chemist for better options. Again the waring a mask will only make my throat worse. Even when I am well I feel like I am suffocating with those things on. Have even gotten a sore throat from being muzzled like so.
______________________________

Enough self soothing ...

I have something fo you to consider Sal. If I again made my own forum (like I once did before) would you consider popping in from time to time? Last time you said you could not join another forum but I am not sure if you understood me. The forum was something I made form scratch. There was no-one else in it to facilitate the usual toxic draining banter that may have or may not have had feeling reluctant about joining any other forum. I'm getting to a stage once more that I do not like being here because I feel it is me that is holding others back even though I recently typed none of us are stopping anyone coming back or even new comers from posting. Starting my own can also enables removing people who post inappropriate photos and attack other forum users. Although seems we did a reasonable job at putting that to rest in here all the same. Thing is - I have no problem continuing to be so open, but think having a break form here whilst continuing to keep my online journals and post my videos without casting some kind of shadow.

Liked does logging into a new forum made by me lose appeal because you want don't want to post in two places given you may wish to be here in the hope you'll be here for that day when one of the others come back? Last time I left, I think a couple of others returned but even so the text about the forum was still about how inactive it was. Yet I did not a pattern of one or two stepping in whilst I had gone. Hence my line of thinking of taking up too much space in possibly a place best used by others. If I was to tackle my own space via some forum creation tool like I did before, it would be nice if you could at least feed back every once and a while. If not I guess I will accept it in time.

Sometimes I wonder if the reading activity here is mostly botted. I ponder the importance we place on feedback like so Vs coming to terms with being alone. I sip some more on that and hit enter as I am starting to feel a slight improvement with my pain and just digest this decision openly a little more in my next post ... very shortly. :)

[Ponder]

Further contemplation on moving space, at least in the interim to who knows what may take place I now continue with.

Previous disconnects I have inadvertently encountered in this forum here coupled with my endurance to keep an online journal is the essence of that cast shadow I have been referring to. Adding to that, much of the stuff I write about is often in stark contrast to main stream/cultural way of living. Hence a level of alienation that naturally takes place when I open up without any filters. Filters a very big reason why I do not fit into society, yet the need for filters I view as more destructive and antisocial than what others would make of me. At least in terms of what really makes us human Vs wannabes. The concept of filters I get but for me society uses all the wrong kinds when it comes to keeping things clean. You only have to stand back and take a glace to see that.

Alas my point is I've been holding myself back whilst in turn not wanting to hold others back. I am sensing this is not healthy for me in the long run. I got too much on the go right now but it is my intention to at least see how long I can last back on my own, however again ask you to consider popping in from time to time for continued support. I'd be happy also support you by popping back in here if you find yourself unable to take such a big step, and it is. Validation is so strong in all of us and something not easily understood at its core. Like I don't know but the more I acknowledge that much, the more I surmise the important of self validation in it's truest form.

Recently I made a reference or expressed a dislike to the term 'self sooth' often used by parents that excessively shell out the term helicopter parenting whilst they prefer to leave small children laying huddled in a corner learning to deal with their own emotional problems. I then went on to say how such a parenting style was very convenient in a world that thrives on convenience. Rejection a major issue for those kids as they expected to grow up before their time in a world acts like spoiled kids. All those unhelpful response in the technical forums I recently experience with the deactivation of various 'communities' is based on the same disease where we are all more prone to trigger each other rather than help.

Nearly 4am - getting tired again. I'll do my best to get another 3 hours sleep.

Perhaps a word press Blog is easier and more accepting of my perception and concerns regarding taking up space as I have expressed. Also much easier for you to comment if you so wish to continue supporting. Here's to a quick recovery regarding my sore throat. May I weather well what is to come next.

Peace out.

[salvator here]

Yes ... will reply in full detail to your postings and regarding the continuation here. I view our forum as 'once was' and we are in purgatory on life support. I don't think we are holding anybody back, I just think people don't like forums as much, as you say, world press and other social media is sexier to the younger generation. I do feel old at times. Yeah, that was really weird with that trolling the last few months and I highly doubt people after reading that would want to join here. To be honest. Once that happens the damage is done. And I DO get it, I realized it could be award (I'll go with that word) that visiting here when past friendships and connections are no longer there. Besides even if I join a new forum, my writing style and personality is so distinct that just in 2 sentences would give it way. Let me think about some things. Yeah, think its just bots here, really now. Sort of makes me wonder whom was even real.

Hope you sleep better and I really will write later.

No need to reply and hope you feel better. Sometimes sleep is the only answer :)

[Ponder]

I'll just be going a personal Blog where personal friends can pop in and visit. Forget it being about a forum if that helps. If I were to make it a forum it would of just allso been more about us anyways but with tbe ability to stop the trolling. If your not feeling comfortable in switching (is not about changing who we are) I will just blog instead hoping you may consider popping in the comment section.

My preference is for the relocation option and not just any forum. You can have admin rights yourself to change or remove anyone else.

But I understand if your prefer not. In that case I just move onto Word Press.

I think your analysis is dead on. If anyone picked up this forum in our absense, I am certain it would have the same vibe as the rest just not the traffic. And yea, I think the last trolling session was to sabatage as they did. Not having the ability to boot is what I want to change.

You can name it. Lol

I am still in bed. Srry for typos.

[Ponder]

I also will reply later to better explain.

[Ponder]

Remember when someone popped into my other thread and said 'Dave has potential,' The truth is I'm already there. We all are. The way in which connect is so much more important with the latter doing less to hold me up compared to your own tact which is quite a gift. I will miss that if our connection it lost - but hey, no pressure. Chuckles cheekily. Just kidding. I am sure you will always have that no matter where you go. Whilst some of us have drifted apart, others have grown close together, yet the reality is nothing lasts forever; or does it?

It takes a lot of effort in this changing world to reconnect at that level in which we thrive being ourselves and allowing others to be. No contrasting, measuring and or judging. I'm guilty on all those counts but do wish I could be less human as humans today be.

I got go once more as my ride and support is turning up. I just found out that the masks at this stage is just a recommendation not mandatory ... but most likely be mandatory later today. In that case I am going out to get fresh food and medicine while I can.

I mean not to be an alarmist with my intentions re wishing to move - I only wanted to try my idea if only momentarily. I would rather more private with even less traffic but with the possibility of more people like you and me actually starting to participate.

As for the age factor ... there are plenty of oldish folk like us also subscribing to this world new wave of being. Yet to be sure age in terms of knowing what was once does impact the degradation of today's society. That does not mean we can't still carve out our own sanctuary for anyone of any age.

All we would be doing it moving ourselves, being ourselves with the ability to get creative in a new space just as open as it is here.

I'm pretty sure I can get bots reading us as well. lol

I mean to post as many times as one wants without having to worry about taking up space is also a plus.

once more go to go. Back later ... but already feeling much freer thinking about it like that.

[Ponder]

Relocating ... don't have any place at the moment other than my videos but will link up like I did last time in the event someone is actually real that has been following along. Have no idea what comes next or even if I will land back in here as I have previously done many times before. I kind of hope not. More meaning I would of found something more in line with who I really be. Perhaps best explained in my parting vlog. I'll pass on a link if and when I get one.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5bPavCcmqpQ

[salvator here]

Watching day 22 ... my word, hard to believe its been this long and you look good despite the illness (hopefully virus will run its course and get out of your body) . Yeah, gonna try to enjoy the parts of Christmas like the lights and scents.

Those are amazing needlepoint pictures, I never did anything that big. Still watching and going to edit while I watch.

Yeah, "human" **hurl** people are robots now and nobody is real so hard to find just people that are real. We all have issues and those that pretend to be normal are the worst kind.

Now I'm getting emotional .. you're so very welcome and I'm happy to support you. No need to thank me, I'm nothing special and no saint. Just glad the timing was there at this time in this strange world in this time.

You're doing a great job and unscripted and you speak very well and it so VERY refreshing to see this.

OK ... going to have to watch a bit later and you are now talking about age and I do want to hear about this. Into the vid 23:57 and will enjoy later tonight.

So on that, I also want to thank you for your friendship and your support. Cherished and never taken for granted :)

Sal

PS: had to just watch a few more seconds, and, yes, there are so many robots and puppets playing this silly game all to fit in with the competition to fit in or even blend. The kids today are at risk of losing themselves completely and I wish I could stop it and grab them and shake them. I do understand though, hard to be genuine in this disingenuous, disproportionate, confusing world. People try to mold themselves and do it for so long that I think they actually forget whom they actually are. I tried when I was younger, I admit it, but now, 50 is getting closer and I am not interested at all in fitting in. just inspired there and need to write that. Darn need to write more but lost my though (this happens and I get muddled)

Oh well, no biggie, will pace around a bit and more will come today.

[salvator here]

Continuing on from where I left off.

Yes, you said the best interactions you met under a bridge and people at their lowest point. Its the same ... I relate to them very well a gravitate towards those that are struggling in one form or another.

Will edit as I go along.

Isn't it funny/ironic that the very religious so quickly boast about what they have and whom we are to look up to to to put on pedestal .. when (according to their own teachings) envy and vanity are 2 big sins.

I think its definitely worth a try and I do like that there would be a video section - although - I don't even own a webcam anymore and likely wouldn't post vids myself. Of course, I would have to create a smooth jazz section lol :)

Oh and when I said "unscripted" I misspoke, what I meant was seeing you extemporaneous and spontaneous. Ha. you said you better let up and that made me smile.

[salvator here]

Ok, 22 days have done you wonders and this journey (still not quote sure what this life/existence is about) but here we are anyway breathing and making the best of it when statistically perhaps we somehow defeated the odds.

PS: Please check your spam folder if you didn't receive email because that has happened with some and sometimes not. My IP isn't flagged and is safe and sound, but sometimes some providers are overzealous in what they consider spam.

Good to know you have great focus. Don't mean we won't ever trip up or stumble, we are only human, but this is where I do not agree with AA, 1 relapse and its back to square 1; wrong, get back on track. AA teaches that it is "Character Flaws" that cause this. Are kidding me? While AA and NA does help some and I would NEVER take that away from people, its just not for me. 12 steps and of course the infamous 13th step we come to know all too well if not careful. 1 step at a time and stay in motion.

No need to reply and will see if I can find something to watch tonight.

[Ponder]

Thanks ever so much for the replies Sal. I know we can't maintain so a consistent run but I do enjoy it when we can both keep up with each other like so. hehe

This Linux Install although too my a good half day and a little more on the end ... is pretty much setup now. I did not even have to setup spell check like I had to in Chrome.

I'm extremely fatigued so just going to link the video and hopefully the recliner will help keep my chest clear as I struggle over the next couple of nights. I pretty much got a bout of some virus but looking forward to still getting things done. Just not rushing another 22000 steps in one day any time soon. ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I have your email in the main sections of mine. All good. :)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=inn-I-aEhuw

[salvator here]

Good grief ... what in the world did you catch?

All that sniffling ... that is *snot* good =P

Seriously, hope you feel better. Germs are getting stronger because of stupidity of humanity. I knew this was coming when people were all abusing hand sanitizer and antibacterial hand soap. Antibiotics aren't working anymore. Its like that trade-off ... virus need to run its course and bacteria is another thing. Gut problems throw off the good bacteria to fight the bad. Imagine if you were eating cheesy nacho supreme with hot sauce right now, a simple "bug" could be very serious. That being said: you could try guaifenesin just make sure you get it WITHOUT the addictive DXM [Dextromethorphan] if people ONLY knew what that (really) is. Yep; guilty as charged, been there and done that as well. Avoid it at all cost.

Anyways.

Will I need to be on linux to use the forum correctly, or would I be alright with WIN NT 5.1? If not, that is no problem as I would also likely go with mint - I've used it before. I'll try to find a good distro to match the hardware. Thank you for the demonstration and I might also join their forum at some point.

[Ponder]

I think as long as you have a web browser that yes, you should be able to utilize all functions available under admin rights to be as creative as you want with the forum.

To being a little test ... simply go to the following address and try signing up as the very first forum member:

https://onlinejournals.freeforums.net/

As soon as your in send me email, or use message me in here via your own thread or mine + PM. What ever is easiest.

Once I see your in, I will share admin rights so that you can also play with the forum categories, themes or whatever.

May as well experiment.
__________________________________

Yes I am very sick. Worse today on day 24 ... 3rd being crook. I am concerned about how easily my throats can get sore and will take it up with the GP probably over the phone. Apparently there is a rise in throughout eastern Australia up and down the borders just after they reopened them with NSW being the worse who apparently have very relaxed procedures. I don't know what to believe but going to stay home while I am like this as if there are cases getting about I would undoubted be a candid to pick it up in my current state. Thanks for the good vibes ... it still helps regardless of how sore i am.

I try to keep my spirits up. I installed STEAM (gaming engine) on Linux and very surprised to see quite a lot of games that can be played natively. Including my all time favorite Cities Skylines:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_ZakM26NeU

If you do go back to Mint - you can always go Xfce or MATE as they are easier on system resources. But you already probably know.

I do hope you have a play around at Probaords :)

LOL snot good. hehe Thanks for the tip and I will for sure remember what you said! Appreciate it very much. Your dead on about how poisonous this world has become. I am so glad we are on the same page with that.

We can have a laugh later ... maybe ... as I made a post in Linux about:
How To Remove The National Flag From Log In

(https://forums.linuxmint.com/viewtopic.php?p=2110572#p2110572)I'll be on my best behavior with that one. Just between you and I, you would think they would make the religion a choice.

Take Care ... going to relax with my favorite game on this awesome distro of Linux. Truly is running like a breeze. I even worked out the bookmarking with Firefox.

[Ponder]

I think I have hit a wall ... all things considered still sticking to my eating clean. Worst case was eating two slices of bread with chicken soup. I feel like a got Covid (rolls eyes) but expecting a full recovery in the next couple of days.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gW7VJJjnnUg

[salvator here]

Watching and will edit and post as it comes to me.

Routine has been shot souds so hard on yourself. Remember when I siad we just get right back up like nothing happened as soon as possible. Your body need to fight this "bug" and the worst thing to bring you ammune system down is deapair. Yes ... lessor of 2 evils with bread.

Good choice on the chicken soup. That is good is your bring something up in the lungs. perhaps an expectorant. I'm not sure about natural but will research to find something to break up mucus.

No need to log in or reply, still watching.

Yeah, sleep is the key here and if you can sleep in a chair (which I can not) that will help its already deep sounding. Yeah, sometimes hard to know when to stop projects. Remember, there is not rush to start any project. I'm not going anywhere and we're still here so long as possible.

Funny how moving around is what we need when sick but want to lay around. Moving gets the lymphatic system working. Very hard I know that ver well.

Perhaps, green tea? I know for me that is the 'cure all' but I think it helps a lot. quality yogurt? Maybe you're already doing that?

Ok ... lets count on this as a few more days for your body to rid itself of whatever this is.

Feel better. I said feel better so as hopefully the body will follow shortly. When you start to feel a bit better, you will get the energy back.

[Ponder]

Thanks for the tips Sal. Today I have zero energy to move around but understand the principle. They make you walk in hospital if they at all think you can when you have chest like infections.

So far I have only brought up a couple of small bits of yellow but not enough to warrant chest infection imo. Lots of whist frothy Flem to be sure. The pain in my throat is the most concerning thing regarding stripped throat as having next to no hair lining makes me susceptible to ongoing bad bacterial growth. The constant gargling can also be just as detrimental with a susceptible throat.

I think I will try some cold coconut water for soothing as I need to check the pain and thus deal with my exacerbated anxiety as I continue to climb the walls in desperation and thus unfortunately trigger my trait of fighting sleep. These symptoms are all a run away train I need to put into check. My grandson being home (End of year holidays) makes healing hard as he rules the roost in the living room where the air con is which being summer I kind of need whilst in such a state. That said I could take up their bedroom as they have air-con in there. I just mean sitting in the living room with cartoons and little people yapping at the screen or teenagers on you-tube acting like clowns to little kids will send my crazy any more than five minutes of it. That said it is great to have him home away from school. The kids need a break from that shit too.

Forgive the thinking out loud. Your are right ... I need to easy up on some of my hobbies as I tend to stress in a negative way when doing them sick due to such a focused mind when is said mode. Just so hard to relax when in so much pain and extremely fatigued. I go crawl into the kitchen and might actually try a warm herbal tea first. Have no green tea but will ask anyone going out if they could please for the love of whatever get me some.

Thanks man ... yes - I put off any forum creation about now and stick here with a few updates. Nothing over the top.

PS - Linux still going well. Zero problems other than them enforcing national flags to which the forum was no help. If anything they justify it talking about BS international community. When I am feeling better ... if I can't remove the Australian (any) international flag waving/icon on the Linux Mint Cinnamon 20.2 log in screen (after sleep mode) I am going to try another distro that does not have that toxic shit built into it. I'd rather burn my PC than have a flag on it. Forgive me but to me it's just another trigger whilst I am unwell. I need choice and control when using my PC. I trust you understand this well. Remember the days you actually had to tick a box instead of un-tick.

[Ponder]

Day 25 - Not doing a video this time Sal - Too Sick. I will just say that I am still in control of my eating and leave it at that. Until I get better I am not pushing myself any more than I need.

Hope I start feeling better tomorrow. I will watch a movie before bed - I can't really comment how I am feeling other than just say still sick.

Hope you are doing better than me. ;)