TheShortBus
12-07-2008, 05:37 AM
well first off i made post last month about how everything all started with my anxiety, but its realllly kind long and noone seemed to comment on it at all :/...
any way, if you took the time to read it since the last bit of it i had been doin really good until about a two weeks ago..
i attend to a vocational type school and im studding to be an electrical systems tech, and i have to be there mon-thurs from 8am-3. almost like bing back in high school, so its kinda lame but by doin this i had planned on getting my associates in 13 months...
well that has all kinda gon down hill with my problems now :/... live 20 miles from school and have to be up around 6 to get there on time. not a big deal except i had a lot of trouble sleeping lately.. there have been times that when my alarm goes off ill still be stairing at the ceiling awake...
so not only that but recently my anxiety has come back full force.. it started with one of my girl friends bringing over one of her friends to hang out. we had talked but never met before. well shes a very attractive girl and we really hit it off. but the hole time we were hangin out i had horrrible social anxiety. i felt like i was 10 years old talking to a little crush or something.. once they left it got a little better, but then my room mate brought a few guys over i hadnt met before. they were really cool and we sat down and watched a hockey game. but then it came back even with them.... just i get all tence and nervous about everything. i watch everything i say and think about it before i say it.... im usually a very outspoken person even with a girl may be trying to empress or something. so just found it really weird that that went on. i used to be like this alot when i was verry younger but grew out of it by the time i was 14 or so...
well that was about 3 weeks ago and its only seemed to get worse... well to get back to my schooling... i actually had to kinda drop out/take a break from my current classes. the school was really cool with it and say i can come back when ever im feeling better. but i only seem to be getting worse.. there were days that we were working with fiberoptick communication wire (which is verry small and hard to work with as it is). well i could hardly twist two wires together.. my hands just kept shaking so bad that it started to really bother me and sent me into a panic attack to where i had to make up an excuse and leave class.... this kinda thing only seemed to get worse. i mean i just started to get really OCD about every little ach in my boddy and trying to pin point some sort of illness on it.. this is what i did before and made my self think i had cancer and all this stupid crazy stuff..
well then i went to the doctor. even though hes just a normal doctor and doesn't really specialize in the mintal kinda stuff im goin through, so i can tell he thinks im a little loopy when i explain everything thats goin on to him. but for some reason i always seem to feel soooo much better after talking to him. and all he ever really says is well you need to keep takin you meds and i promis it will get better, you just need to give it time. hes a really cool guy and i seem to leave refreshed every time i talk to him... well only if i could take his advice and tell my self it will get better with time and just keep takin my meds..
well it all started to get even worse on thanksgiving... i had been perfectly fine up until that morning. i took my meds and hopped in the car with the family to drive to eat with my cousins. i live in atl. and we were goin to chatanooga so wasnt a bad drive at all. expeshially for me cuz im used to 10-15 hour drive for work some times... (sorry i tend to ramble...) anyywayyyyy... we didnt get but 10 min from my house and i just started to feel really weird. i just kida kept to my self and didnt say anything at all. well it got to bad that i guess i upset myself and my stomach started hurting so we had to stop so i could find a bath room. once that was over with we didnt stop once on the way there and i felt the same the hole time. i didnt feel like talkin or anything. i was just in my own little world and everything i looked at on the road seemed to bother me or made me think about somthing else that led to thinking about somthing else bad and so on..... my thoughts were just really ocd like or somthing.. and its scarry. well once we got there i didnt go away i saw my family and wasnt even all that hungry... i just kinda picked at my food... yes on thanks giving... we had a hole table of food half of it filled with sweets..... kinda depressing i didnt find any of it to look good at the time.. well i ended up falling asleep on the couch.. and i wasnt even tired.. longgggg story short i was like that the hole time we were there and my family noticed me acting weird but i just stayed to myself.. oh and then i got got a freakin tickit on the way home... damn state patrol doestn have anything else better to do... its the freakin holiday go be with your family...and i was goin 13 over stop being so anal....... sorry ramble moment... :p
well i got to feeling a little better that night and me and my dad had planned to go hunting the next morning. we left around 5am and was an hour drive. once again i took my meds that morning and felt weird the hole drive there.... well we unpacked the truck and headed out to the woods since the sun was just coming up. i figured something like this may really help me. just being out in the middle of nowhere in the woods by myself. it was nice and quiet and i even had a nice creek i could hear running behind my tree stand.. well needless to say i think all that was made it worse.. i got all up tight about stupid stuff. i starting thinking about my dad. and hes in his 60's i randomly thought horrible things about him gettin hurt in the woods byhimself and the thoughts just kept gettin worse. so bad infact that i had to go back to camp just to tell myself he was ok.. well found my wayback and he was fine.. i was so out of it actually that i had forgotten that he didnt even go out that morning he stayed to work on a water line in the camp... stuff like that tells myself how much my mind gets away with me that it takes me away from reality.. i ended up goin to our cabin and falling asleep for like 10 hours... and then i woke up still feeling exausted. it ended up raining all the next day so we just headed home. and once again....... i took my meds and felt supper weird the hole ride home.. im starting to think that some what long car rides are affecting me weird..
well it hasnt seemed to get better since then.. just like right now its 6 am and i havent slept. another thing i dont think ive ever mentioned is that i live with 3 of my best friends. and im the only single one.. so it can be a little depressing at times when all the the girl are over here on the week ends cuz they are home from school and what not.. lets just say i dont see the guys a lot and these apartment walls are thinner than you think... my sub-woofer and 100's of gigs of music have became my best friend in this situation.....
speeking of being very lonely, i was taking out the trash the other morning to find a box of kittens next to the dumpster :). an old lady came up and said she would give them a good home so we picked all 4 of them up and took them to her car. well then i went back to taking the trash out and i herd a cat crying. once got left behind somehow :(.. so ive taken him in. hes the sweetest thing and ive named him Scat. having him around has actually really seemed to help me some the last few days. he fallows me around the apt and rides in on my shoulder and head when im driving.
well i thought i was doin a lot better until last night. i just started to think alll kinds of crazy things and felt like i was goin crazyy again.. and kinda feel like that right now. the main thing thats been bothering me is thoughts of death and death and life in general if that makes any since.. im not a religious person so alot of this is hard for me to deal with and understand probably more so than someone who has faith and such thats been in there life since they were young. i guess i call my self agnostic or what ever because i know there has to be somthing out there but there are just so manny beleives that it kida hard for me to cope. for some reason i cant get that hole "what are we", "where did we come from" thing outa my head and it freaks me out.. you wouldnt think it would but it does really bad. and with thinking this i have feeling of not being real and crazy stuff like that. because i try to back it up with where we came from kinda thing and my brain wont tell me other wise... i know that sounds cofnusing but its really the only way i know how to put it in words.
this bothered me sooo bad last night that i had to go home just to see my parents for comfort. mainly because the guys i live with dont fully understand whats all goin on with me so its realllly hard to talk to them about it.. but forsomereason everytime i go home and just open up to my mom about everything tears just come out of no where. it may be for 5 min or it may be for an hour. but im not sure why. i guess its kinda like when i let out my thoughts of everything thats bothering me my emotoins come right with it.. well i took an xanex while i was there to caulm me down and it really seemed to help. and i actaully got some decent sleep that night as well. well once i got back to my apt and hung out and played some video games and watched a football game it all started to come back and 15 hours later here i am... away and rammmmmbleing abuot my problems that noones prolly goin to even to half way through reading all this...
blaaa screw it im just goin to go home and hang out with my dad since im sure hes up by now.
if anyone actually took the time to read all this, do you think i should just pull this page up and let my doctor read it??? not my normal doctor i mean im deff looking into getting some mental help with all this stuff, so maybe if i just let them read all this and my last post it would be easier for them to understand it vs. me havig to try and tell them the hole story. i duno i tend to forget things when i talk, vs when im type like this i kinda get every little detail... hince i ramble a lot..
any way, if you took the time to read it since the last bit of it i had been doin really good until about a two weeks ago..
i attend to a vocational type school and im studding to be an electrical systems tech, and i have to be there mon-thurs from 8am-3. almost like bing back in high school, so its kinda lame but by doin this i had planned on getting my associates in 13 months...
well that has all kinda gon down hill with my problems now :/... live 20 miles from school and have to be up around 6 to get there on time. not a big deal except i had a lot of trouble sleeping lately.. there have been times that when my alarm goes off ill still be stairing at the ceiling awake...
so not only that but recently my anxiety has come back full force.. it started with one of my girl friends bringing over one of her friends to hang out. we had talked but never met before. well shes a very attractive girl and we really hit it off. but the hole time we were hangin out i had horrrible social anxiety. i felt like i was 10 years old talking to a little crush or something.. once they left it got a little better, but then my room mate brought a few guys over i hadnt met before. they were really cool and we sat down and watched a hockey game. but then it came back even with them.... just i get all tence and nervous about everything. i watch everything i say and think about it before i say it.... im usually a very outspoken person even with a girl may be trying to empress or something. so just found it really weird that that went on. i used to be like this alot when i was verry younger but grew out of it by the time i was 14 or so...
well that was about 3 weeks ago and its only seemed to get worse... well to get back to my schooling... i actually had to kinda drop out/take a break from my current classes. the school was really cool with it and say i can come back when ever im feeling better. but i only seem to be getting worse.. there were days that we were working with fiberoptick communication wire (which is verry small and hard to work with as it is). well i could hardly twist two wires together.. my hands just kept shaking so bad that it started to really bother me and sent me into a panic attack to where i had to make up an excuse and leave class.... this kinda thing only seemed to get worse. i mean i just started to get really OCD about every little ach in my boddy and trying to pin point some sort of illness on it.. this is what i did before and made my self think i had cancer and all this stupid crazy stuff..
well then i went to the doctor. even though hes just a normal doctor and doesn't really specialize in the mintal kinda stuff im goin through, so i can tell he thinks im a little loopy when i explain everything thats goin on to him. but for some reason i always seem to feel soooo much better after talking to him. and all he ever really says is well you need to keep takin you meds and i promis it will get better, you just need to give it time. hes a really cool guy and i seem to leave refreshed every time i talk to him... well only if i could take his advice and tell my self it will get better with time and just keep takin my meds..
well it all started to get even worse on thanksgiving... i had been perfectly fine up until that morning. i took my meds and hopped in the car with the family to drive to eat with my cousins. i live in atl. and we were goin to chatanooga so wasnt a bad drive at all. expeshially for me cuz im used to 10-15 hour drive for work some times... (sorry i tend to ramble...) anyywayyyyy... we didnt get but 10 min from my house and i just started to feel really weird. i just kida kept to my self and didnt say anything at all. well it got to bad that i guess i upset myself and my stomach started hurting so we had to stop so i could find a bath room. once that was over with we didnt stop once on the way there and i felt the same the hole time. i didnt feel like talkin or anything. i was just in my own little world and everything i looked at on the road seemed to bother me or made me think about somthing else that led to thinking about somthing else bad and so on..... my thoughts were just really ocd like or somthing.. and its scarry. well once we got there i didnt go away i saw my family and wasnt even all that hungry... i just kinda picked at my food... yes on thanks giving... we had a hole table of food half of it filled with sweets..... kinda depressing i didnt find any of it to look good at the time.. well i ended up falling asleep on the couch.. and i wasnt even tired.. longgggg story short i was like that the hole time we were there and my family noticed me acting weird but i just stayed to myself.. oh and then i got got a freakin tickit on the way home... damn state patrol doestn have anything else better to do... its the freakin holiday go be with your family...and i was goin 13 over stop being so anal....... sorry ramble moment... :p
well i got to feeling a little better that night and me and my dad had planned to go hunting the next morning. we left around 5am and was an hour drive. once again i took my meds that morning and felt weird the hole drive there.... well we unpacked the truck and headed out to the woods since the sun was just coming up. i figured something like this may really help me. just being out in the middle of nowhere in the woods by myself. it was nice and quiet and i even had a nice creek i could hear running behind my tree stand.. well needless to say i think all that was made it worse.. i got all up tight about stupid stuff. i starting thinking about my dad. and hes in his 60's i randomly thought horrible things about him gettin hurt in the woods byhimself and the thoughts just kept gettin worse. so bad infact that i had to go back to camp just to tell myself he was ok.. well found my wayback and he was fine.. i was so out of it actually that i had forgotten that he didnt even go out that morning he stayed to work on a water line in the camp... stuff like that tells myself how much my mind gets away with me that it takes me away from reality.. i ended up goin to our cabin and falling asleep for like 10 hours... and then i woke up still feeling exausted. it ended up raining all the next day so we just headed home. and once again....... i took my meds and felt supper weird the hole ride home.. im starting to think that some what long car rides are affecting me weird..
well it hasnt seemed to get better since then.. just like right now its 6 am and i havent slept. another thing i dont think ive ever mentioned is that i live with 3 of my best friends. and im the only single one.. so it can be a little depressing at times when all the the girl are over here on the week ends cuz they are home from school and what not.. lets just say i dont see the guys a lot and these apartment walls are thinner than you think... my sub-woofer and 100's of gigs of music have became my best friend in this situation.....
speeking of being very lonely, i was taking out the trash the other morning to find a box of kittens next to the dumpster :). an old lady came up and said she would give them a good home so we picked all 4 of them up and took them to her car. well then i went back to taking the trash out and i herd a cat crying. once got left behind somehow :(.. so ive taken him in. hes the sweetest thing and ive named him Scat. having him around has actually really seemed to help me some the last few days. he fallows me around the apt and rides in on my shoulder and head when im driving.
well i thought i was doin a lot better until last night. i just started to think alll kinds of crazy things and felt like i was goin crazyy again.. and kinda feel like that right now. the main thing thats been bothering me is thoughts of death and death and life in general if that makes any since.. im not a religious person so alot of this is hard for me to deal with and understand probably more so than someone who has faith and such thats been in there life since they were young. i guess i call my self agnostic or what ever because i know there has to be somthing out there but there are just so manny beleives that it kida hard for me to cope. for some reason i cant get that hole "what are we", "where did we come from" thing outa my head and it freaks me out.. you wouldnt think it would but it does really bad. and with thinking this i have feeling of not being real and crazy stuff like that. because i try to back it up with where we came from kinda thing and my brain wont tell me other wise... i know that sounds cofnusing but its really the only way i know how to put it in words.
this bothered me sooo bad last night that i had to go home just to see my parents for comfort. mainly because the guys i live with dont fully understand whats all goin on with me so its realllly hard to talk to them about it.. but forsomereason everytime i go home and just open up to my mom about everything tears just come out of no where. it may be for 5 min or it may be for an hour. but im not sure why. i guess its kinda like when i let out my thoughts of everything thats bothering me my emotoins come right with it.. well i took an xanex while i was there to caulm me down and it really seemed to help. and i actaully got some decent sleep that night as well. well once i got back to my apt and hung out and played some video games and watched a football game it all started to come back and 15 hours later here i am... away and rammmmmbleing abuot my problems that noones prolly goin to even to half way through reading all this...
blaaa screw it im just goin to go home and hang out with my dad since im sure hes up by now.
if anyone actually took the time to read all this, do you think i should just pull this page up and let my doctor read it??? not my normal doctor i mean im deff looking into getting some mental help with all this stuff, so maybe if i just let them read all this and my last post it would be easier for them to understand it vs. me havig to try and tell them the hole story. i duno i tend to forget things when i talk, vs when im type like this i kinda get every little detail... hince i ramble a lot..