petrichor
04-14-2018, 02:28 PM
hello! lately, i have been experiencing some high levels of anxiety. normally, i would rant to my friends but i have ranted about this several times that i feel like i am starting to annoy my friends. so, i'm going to rant here..
after 8th grade, all of my friends and the people with me changed schools since there were problems with our school. so, we all separated basically. i maintained some contact with my close ones. most of the people went to this one school but i ended up going to another...and this particular school...well, it has that bad reputation where people hate us because it is considered one of the best schools so a lot of people think of us as snobbish and whatnot. anyway, as a 12th grader now, i am a completely different person than who i was as a child. as a child, i was pretty, well, childish and naive and annoying. i suppose all of us were. but the thing is, who i was as a kid (it wasn't bad, just the regular annoying middle-schooler) haunts me to this day because my anxiety makes me feel as though i was a horrible person. and i feel like the people i went to school with as a kid remember me as that kid because we got separated and thus, they didn't see me evolve in a mature and completely different person. a couple of months back, i was reunited with some of these people because a close friend of mine was going through something rough so all of her friends at her school and me went to her house in support. i was so terribly anxious. cause they were all this one group in this one school and i was an outsider from a school that everyone hates. some said hello but that was it. there was this one boy who i went to school with - he kept staring at me. he didn't say hello to me - just stared and didn't smile. it wasn't a look of disgust or anything, it was pretty neutral but i felt it was masking the judgements he was aiming at me. i felt completely judged by him. and it really really hurts me knowing they don't know who i am now. i have this urge to prove to them that i am different and mature. but i can't. my anxiety tends to make me feel like a terrible person - has been happening since the summer after 8th grade, when my anxiety developed. i know i overthink and exaggerate but i can't help the way i feel.
this may have weirded you out - possibly confused you, lol. idk. i just...i'm so anxious and i don't know how to cope with the fact that those people will never see who i am now.
i hate anxiety.
after 8th grade, all of my friends and the people with me changed schools since there were problems with our school. so, we all separated basically. i maintained some contact with my close ones. most of the people went to this one school but i ended up going to another...and this particular school...well, it has that bad reputation where people hate us because it is considered one of the best schools so a lot of people think of us as snobbish and whatnot. anyway, as a 12th grader now, i am a completely different person than who i was as a child. as a child, i was pretty, well, childish and naive and annoying. i suppose all of us were. but the thing is, who i was as a kid (it wasn't bad, just the regular annoying middle-schooler) haunts me to this day because my anxiety makes me feel as though i was a horrible person. and i feel like the people i went to school with as a kid remember me as that kid because we got separated and thus, they didn't see me evolve in a mature and completely different person. a couple of months back, i was reunited with some of these people because a close friend of mine was going through something rough so all of her friends at her school and me went to her house in support. i was so terribly anxious. cause they were all this one group in this one school and i was an outsider from a school that everyone hates. some said hello but that was it. there was this one boy who i went to school with - he kept staring at me. he didn't say hello to me - just stared and didn't smile. it wasn't a look of disgust or anything, it was pretty neutral but i felt it was masking the judgements he was aiming at me. i felt completely judged by him. and it really really hurts me knowing they don't know who i am now. i have this urge to prove to them that i am different and mature. but i can't. my anxiety tends to make me feel like a terrible person - has been happening since the summer after 8th grade, when my anxiety developed. i know i overthink and exaggerate but i can't help the way i feel.
this may have weirded you out - possibly confused you, lol. idk. i just...i'm so anxious and i don't know how to cope with the fact that those people will never see who i am now.
i hate anxiety.