Can't seem to get ahead...

[AliasEQ]

Hey family. New members. Old members. Hope you're all doing good.

I've been having it rough the past 4-5 months. Problems, pressure, losses etc. fuelling my anxiety. 2 weeks ago, I just crashed. I couldn't continue my routine. I'm in all truth tired from the same cycle. I'm litterally physically mentally tired of everything.

I turned 23 not long ago. I don't know why but it felt like a reality check. What have I done this far into my life? What have I achieved? What have I learned? What goals do I have? Am I happy with the path in life I'm taking? Do I want to continue? Is it worth it? Do I want to live? Do I want to die? I'm just not satisfied with my life. I'm 23 years old and it feels like I've experienced what life can offer. I just don't like it. It seems like from here on, it's all just struggle and misery. Survival. But for what?

I lost the girl of dreams. Childhood friend. Maybe she felt something for me too. Maybe she didn't. I'll never know. It's completely my fault though, I couldn't take the next step. Too much of a p*ssy. And now she's marrying another man. It broke my heart but it is what it is.

I hate my job. I'm no good at it. Not interesting enough to learn. Can't quit because I don't have any career goals. And how will I survive without a job? I will eventually get a new job and just start hating it. I couldn't work last week because I couldn't find a reason to continue. Why continue the struggle? I have nothing to achieve here it feels like. I can't even find a reason to survive. Then there's the fear of losing the job. Who will pay the rent then? What will pay the food? Anxiety going through the roof when these thoughts hit me.

I don't know. I see all these people at my age. One is married, the other one has his own family and buying a house, one has finished sculpturing his character and has come far in his career and I just keep comparing myself to them.

I'm tired of everything. Staying up late every other night and drinking to numb it all doesn't help either. Still struggling with addictions. Seems like you get rid of one problem, life hits you with two new ones. I'm incapacitated. Confused. No idea where to go from here on.

Elias

[MadHatterAbi]

Hello there.
I'm 24 and I totally understand your struggle. I have constant thoughts of the future - can I achieve more? Maybe I should change my job? Maybe try something totally different in life? No plans, no character development, no dreams. First of all, we can't compare ourselves to others. Maybe they are happy at the surface, but we don't know what is happening inside, how much they had to give up to be at the point they are now. Everyone has their own path in life and we should stick to it.

Our generations is really struggling with money and I understand. I earn almost nothing and I'm struggling everyday, but I'm trying to go forward, not going backwards. You need to fight with your addictions - it's a vicious circle that's for sure. Try talking with some friends, family, therapist maybe? Or you can share your thoughts here. It's much easier if you share your thoughts and let the feeling flow. I'm taking therapist's session lately and crying and resting helps me sort my thoughts a bit.

[MrsMargo]

How are you doing? It takes a lot of courage to push through hard times. Never give up. Never stop trying. Good things are coming your way.

[AliasEQ]

Hey, thanks for reading and responding. Appreciate the encouraging words!

I have a problem with comparing myself to others. Maybe it's because I'm jealous. I couldn't do it, I couldn't sacrifice things to get ahead in life but they could. It's an extremely arrogant perspective and I'm constantly working with myself to get rid of that mindset. After all, it's only hurting me and no one else. I never show jealousy neither do I act upon it. I know it's stupid but yet I fool myself and it's genuinely because I'm weak at the moment.

Therapists are a no-no for me. I've been to many now. One started googling my problems in front of me. One told me I had a permanent problem(derealization) that wasn't really permanent - I'm now completely free of it. One just sat there and listened and never gave any proper advice - thinking I'm there to whine and b*tch about my problems. I wanted to solve them. I didn't go there to talk to a wall that eventually reflected my own words to me and referred to them as "advice".

I am struggling economically. I have debt on a loan that I haven't even taken. I don't really know what you call it in english, but we have a thing in Sweden that acts like an enforcement officer. It's a part of the municipality. Apparently I've taken a loan for a car. I've shown papers from my bank and the transport agency. They refused to remove it because the bank I supposedly took a loan from is an official bank with "good reputation". So, now I'm constantly working, 10-12 hours a day just to be able to repay that. If I don't repay that, the debt only gets bigger and bigger. This has completely ruined me and it's really hard to wake up in the mornings with this sh*t on my shoulders.

It does sooth the soul to be able to share my thoughts. I greatly appreciate any advice, any mindset, any perspective to get through this hardship. Because honestly, I've been feeling as if I'm only losing in life. More problems, more responsibility and I'm not sure how much I can take any more.

Today was my first day back to work. The anxiety I had for going back after not being there for at least 2 weeks was the worst. In fact, I'm always anxious when it comes to going to my job. Simply because I don't like it, I don't like the people. I hate them. That's why I hate working. Not because of the actual work(in this case, I actually don't enjoy the work so much) but because of the people and the false aura they create. This "bubble" where everyone holds up a mask, talk nice to you and then talk sh*t behind your back. Or the people that takes on a role that doesn't fit them. Unfortunately, because they're higher up than me, I can't do anything about it. I just accept it all and later throughout the day, I process the anger and I'm just irritated the rest of the day.

Anyways, my boss called me just before I was going to pack up and go home. He saw that I've been working in intervalls(one day sick, one day working) and he asked if something was going on. I lied and told him that I was legit sick, nothing that's screwing with me mentally. His words asked if I was okay but his voice sounded like "should we fire you?". Maybe that was just my perception of it though. I don't know. I think I'm getting fired. I don't know whether to be happy or sad.

[Dahila]

Proffesor it was like that in my situation, Today job market is so difficult. I was so worried I made myself sick at the time. They did merge with another company and let go of all "unsubstantial staff" well it did not help my anxiety. You need to f*** it that all you need to do, One door closes another opens especially when you are young and talented :)
What helped me, when boss was asking something like that or giving me shit, I imagine the person having problems with obstruction and sitting on the toilet bowl. It helped a lot

[AliasEQ]

"I imagine the person having problems with obstruction and sitting on the toilet bowl"
- You always manage to put a smile on my face Dahila :D

I appreciate and love you from the bottom of my heart :)

[Dahila]

"I imagine the person having problems with obstruction and sitting on the toilet bowl"
- You always manage to put a smile on my face Dahila :D

I appreciate and love you from the bottom of my heart :)

I do too, Proffesor deReal, it helps just try it, I had and abuser for the boss, I made 6 year there :) it helped in the worst moments

[MadHatterAbi]

I compare myself to others as well, it's pretty normal. How they are so successful and I'm not? They are travelling and seeing the world, why I can't? Because my anxiety keeps me locked in my small safe space. I'm aware of that, yet I still struggle.

That loan thing... how is that even legal? That's just terrible. I hope it can be better later on.

About your work and people in general - in most companies people wear masks and are not sincere. It's just a part of adulthood. In times like this I always try to ignore that kind of people, don't involve myself with them more than I have to. Only at work, not care about them at all. It's really difficult because in general I try to be sympathetic and helpful, but some people just don't deserve anything from us.

I really hope that a new path will appear in your life, because I'm sure you deserve more. You can do it! Share all negative feelings with us and try to cope with what you get from life :)

[MrsMargo]

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream. Les Brown

[MadHatterAbi]

That quote... it's going to be my favourite quote now :)

[MrsMargo]

That quote... it's going to be my favourite quote now :)

I love too