I'm just breaking down.

[CloudyThoughts]

I can't help but just cry because lately I'm so angry, I'm overthinking a lot about things like work, school, my life, and love life. And I didn't like what or who I was becoming either. Last night, this cashier was just having an attitude towards me and started talking crap to another worker. I didn't say anything until I left, cussing at her indirectly to the person who I was on the phone with while letting that person know what happened. Normally, I keep my mouth shut because I don't let nothing bother me. It was totally out of my character.

And now, I just felt like if I should be where I need to be at this point. I usually light this specific incense because it reminded me of my grandparents. My grandpa passed away 13 years ago and he was the father figure in my life, so the incense just soothes me and let me vent to him in hoping he can take my pain away. I'm trying to be okay, but I can't force myself to be happy.

[Ponder]

Happy is so overrated, although I'll take what I can get. It's all a process. Yea ... don't force it. Good acknowledgement there. Just steer it so it's not creating more suffering than it should. That way the process will run it's course. Keep writing/posting if it helps.

I react myself at times. A lot. It's good that your catching yourself in that process. I find learning to observe really helps. Observe without judgment is very hard. Very Hard! It is however a great way to help us learn to see more than what we usually do. Good for clarity. OR ... we typically see what it there is, but just need help to process it. Learning to live with what we see. Comes down to some recent posts on the benefits of acting how we would like to feel. Like projecting a big huge cheesy smile overstating just how wonderful we feel (perhaps not so sarcastically :) ) when seeing bitchy checkout attendants dissing on all those around them.

Acting like so goes a long way to dis-empowering the pent up anger that typically is quick to spread all round. Worst that can happen is they miss the point and you walk away feeling at least you tried. Better than taking on another's pain. I know it might not solve our problems ... but it can help.

That make any sense?

[CloudyThoughts]

Thank you Ponder, and I totally agree. Writing helps me a lot and I do it on facebook so at least whoever feels the same as I do, they can take this journey with me but Ive had some people asking me why am I always sad and how this was me shouting for help or how would I rate my self-esteem, so I just started bottling up. This is pretty much my second day here, and i just felt free and that its okay to feel what I'm feeling.
I'm an observant person and just brush everything off, but i just don't know what happened for me to just burst out like that. Yeah, its easy to spread anger but harder to try to keep level headed and beyond. "At least I tried" is the moto.

[IAmCamille]

Last week, I was given a "time off" by my boss at work. He told me to rest and assess myself since I've been very toxic at work lately. And he's right. My anxiety have become so intense and I lost it with my manager. I was just lucky that it didn't cause too much trouble since they understood my "condition". Consequences? Time off and from full time work, converted to part time.

[CloudyThoughts]

Yeah, luckily they understood what was going on. it could have been worse. I've told my former boss before what was going on with me and how it was getting hard for me to get out of bed. Some days I feel so sick like my head feels pressured and my body feels heavy. She told me It was nothing serious and that i was just making myself feel that way. Angry, I just told her I'm going out of town and never went back, I moved back to my hometown. By any chance, do you or anyone else ever get woken up in the morning feeling very anxious? like making you clench your teeth every 5 minutes? it happened to me today and I was feeling like that all day

[IAmCamille]

have you considered therapy? you might also need some medication, i'm not an expert or a specialist. teeth clenching can cause jaw problems and it can become severe. wishing you well.