Anxiety and Being Cheated On

[gypsylee]

Hey everyone,

Tonight I found out this guy I’ve been seeing has hooked up with some other woman and we are over. Even writing about it gives me anxiety. I’ve had bad break-ups many times but never been cheated on (that I know of). Anyway, it sent my anxiety through the f’n roof then I cried a lot. Feeling a bit better now but can anyone explain why being cheated on causes such terrible feelings of anxiety? I mean I guess it’s obvious because it’s a betrayal but do you think it’s linked to our fears of rejection and that sort of thing? I just can’t believe he would go and do this, so I guess there’s an element of shock.

Cheers,
Gypsy x

[Ponder]

First of all → I am very sorry you going through this Gyspy. I've been thinking on another aspect of this and yes I do think it has a lot to do with fears and rejection. More so related to ours and others insecurities. The way in which these insecurities develop has been on my mind of late. How it has made us so vulnerable. I've actually been pondering on how to write about monogamy - the pros and cons type of thing. Fear, rejection and insecurity seems come up a lot as I think on that subject.

Srry to go on ... and I am just as srry for this negative vibe that's taken hold. I am pleased however that your now feeling able to discuss as well as hopeful knowing just how resilient you have become over the course or 2017 re your awesome progress with your sobriety!!! imo you certainly wont find anything better in anyone else to top that.

Too bad for the other guy ... his loss.

~Dave

[gypsylee]

Thanks Ponder, I’m sitting here crying again.. I just cry whenever I need to these days because it’s so healing.

The last couple of days I’ve had to walk past bottle shops and have almost cried with the willpower it takes to not buy a drink. I told that guy he wasn’t worth my sobriety (amongst my tirade of texts lol).

Man, I just can’t believe he went and did that to me! I’m pretty out-there but I am exceptionally loyal and honest. I have a pretty strong code of honour. One thing I’m thankful for is he showed his true colours early on. I can only imagine how painful it must be for people who get cheated on after years. I think most people need monogamy but I also think open relationships can work if the people are up front.

Wow, he just text me saying he’d like to be friends. That gave me an opening to tell him I now have zero respect for him and “I don’t think so” :rolleyes:

[Anne1221]

Gypsy, so sorry to hear that. I think anything unexpected, that comes at us out of the blue, causes us anxiety. I'm like you in that I trust people but then sometimes that trust gets shattered and it causes me anxiety. You are very fortunate that you found out his true colors early. And guess what? He'll cheat on the next woman too. I cannot believe he had the audacity to ask if you wanted to be friends?!! Translation: "I would like for us to be 'friends with benefits' so are you up for that?"
NO, I don't think so is right. Good for you for not turning to the alcohol!! Keep that up.

[gypsylee]

Thanks so much Anne. I’m really struggling today and he’s been making all sorts of excuses. I should probably block him on my phone at least until I heal a bit. He’s acting like it’s not that bad and “can’t we be civil?” It plays on my terribly low self-esteem. I said “this IS me being civil” and told him I almost lost my sobriety with how much it hurt.

Anne, you gave me the strength to block him on my phone. I’m still in that “I want to hear from him” mode but it’s better if I don’t. My emotions are all over the place it’s ridiculous :confused:

[Anne1221]

Good for you! Glad to hear it. If he hurt you once, he will most likely hurt you again, and you sure don't need that. Continue to be strong, and if not being cheated on is important to you, keep looking until you find someone who will be yours alone and you won't have to share your man with another woman. The fact that he doesn't "get it" about how hurtful his actions were, and that right now it's all about him and his getting what he wants (back into your life and back into your bed) leads me to believe he has some.....dare I say it.....narcissism in him. And what I have learned about narcissists can be boiled down into two words: No Contact.

it sounds like he isn't even apologizing all over the place to you for hurting you. He just says, "let's be civil." So, there's no acknowledgement on his part of how much he hurt you.

[Fashoom]

I think cheating brings anxiety because it triggers our fear of abandonment. Anytime we lose someone we thought we could count on it makes us question "Could I lose someone else in my support system? How do I know who I can trust? Who will be there for me when I need them?"

I hope you have a strong support system of family and friends that have your back. We all need that.

[gypsylee]

I think cheating brings anxiety because it triggers our fear of abandonment. Anytime we lose someone we thought we could count on it makes us question "Could I lose someone else in my support system? How do I know who I can trust? Who will be there for me when I need them?"

I hope you have a strong support system of family and friends that have your back. We all need that.

Thanks Fashoom.. I saw my psych on Thursday and he said it makes sense from an evolutionary point of view with regard to attachment, so yes, fears of abandonment for sure.

I’ve been distracted by another member of the male species haha, but so far it’s just been talking. Many hours of talking lol. I know it’s exactly like going from one drug to the next and hooking up with this one is not a good idea, but hey I do love talking to the opposite sex until the sun comes up and having that mild sexual tension hanging over our heads. Well, mine at least lol. Aside from that I have a reasonable support system yeah.. Being cheated on is NOT FUN AT ALL, especially when they choose that person over you to be in a relationship with :(

[Im-Suffering]

Thanks Fashoom.. I saw my psych on Thursday and he said it makes sense from an evolutionary point of view with regard to attachment, so yes, fears of abandonment for sure.

I’ve been distracted by another member of the male species haha, but so far it’s just been talking. Many hours of talking lol. I know it’s exactly like going from one drug to the next and hooking up with this one is not a good idea, but hey I do love talking to the opposite sex until the sun comes up and having that mild sexual tension hanging over our heads. Well, mine at least lol. Aside from that I have a reasonable support system yeah.. Being cheated on is NOT FUN AT ALL, especially when they choose that person over you to be in a relationship with :(

Forgive my two cents dear, but it's all I have! I'm so sorry to hear about this.

To be "cheated on" you must first believe it's possible (not in general per se, but to you personally). You have certain stored beliefs about men, relationships and so forth. You also have related not fully healed trauma and negative experiences in your past.

In a sense, you get what you expect. You may keep your feelings private and not post them here, but I want you to think back, before this relationship. Intuitively, you knew (feeling) some time ago that if it weren't cheating (in your future), it would be another betrayal, whether trust, acceptance, abuse, etc. I am saying, inside, you knew (again, gut feeling) this would happen - at some point in one form or another, yet again. You were afraid of it for periods of time, to an extent keeping yourself tucked in tight, and also preventing not only healing, but the chances of a mutual loving relationship. When you finally did step out, your fears we're realized. This 'gut feeling' may not have been verbal to you, but rather a sick stomach, fear, worry, anxiety etc whenever you pondered the topic. Or it may have said loudly 'dont do it again, stay away, you'll get hurt', dismissing that, you try again. Certainly there must be a Mr right?

Not while you expect Mr wrong. Again, this expectation may not be verbal, but feeling. You become ill as certain triggers pop up.

Then like a childrens innocent game of hide and seek, when your fears materialize, you cry afoul. Forgetting your feelings, wiping them away with hope. But hope and wishes dont work that way. To quote religion, 'God knows your heart', you understand. With free will to explore the ups and downs of life, you are given to what you feel. You can always trust your feelings. Not words.

Sometimes a sick stomach say in a new job, can be good, because it is new and you are overcoming, however sometimes a sick stomach can be a warning, of changes and choices. So it is up to you, to know how your belief system triggers your feelings. Another verse, 'know thyself to be true' is appropriate here.

You may say to yourself 'I cant trust men', feel sick, but push yourself to date one. Here you knew your belief, by the conscious words and feelings way ahead of time. When you can truly FEEL the opposite (and this is just a simplified example), you will experience the opposite.


Talk to you later I do wish you a good day

[martin05]

Im-Suffering -- is there any way to know when a trauma is fully healed? Can all traumas be fully healed? I was just reading Ponder's post on his diary thread about his brother's death. I can't imagine that is a trauma that will ever fully heal (if you'll forgive me for making assumptions, Ponder).

Thanks.

[Im-Suffering]

Im-Suffering -- is there any way to know when a trauma is fully healed? Can all traumas be fully healed? I was just reading Ponder's post on his diary thread about his brother's death. I can't imagine that is a trauma that will ever fully heal (if you'll forgive me for making assumptions, Ponder).

Thanks.

lets not say fully healed, lets say assimilated. its not that one is crafting an identity in his life, because identity is temporal. atleast this life, this you.

your unique individual experiences, forge an overall identity, that you will take with you when the body is gone. say, the spirit is more than the sum of its parts, you are much more than martin, you understand. you are today 'playing martin', in a sojourn, but martin is part of a larger identity thousands of years old. you will however remember martin, and all of his eccentricities, you can remember many identities, when you say 'this isnt me' or you find familiar surroundings, or meet someone who you say 'it feels like i know you forever', and you do.

You will take remembrance of the good and the bad. this life is like a master craftsman's tool, building a personality, learning lessons. This is what you set out for, this is the plan. Ponder has a hard go of it, but.. what has become of him is precious because of, his experiences.

Now, no doubt this has not been much comfort.. in the current moment. Remember, it is not so much the troubles, but how you, what you, and will you do, be, act, and become. Emotions such as anger, resentment, jealousy, cruelty, hate and so forth are temporary, whereas if you can come to terms with what happens in your life, enlighten through it, and remain connected and loving..even tho, so to speak.

Do not repress, express, but hold dearly to the light and your connections with spirit, and others spirit. Continue to do unto others, keep your grace, pray for your soul, pray to your God, pray to stay connected, with empathy, compassion...no matter what, even from the pits of hell. And you will have survived this rough journey intact and for the better.

Hate remember is love turned inside out, hate is a form of conflict resolution. Hate forces mediation to return to a loving connected state. Hate is the separation from love and the spirit urge to return balance. If hate is repressed, as you see in the world, and for a time with Ponder, it turns on you like the plague and you blow like a pressure cooker.

So. my friend, accept the trauma, as hard and painful, agonizing and anxious it may be. Look for the lesson, look inside yourself for the beliefs that you hold, and try your best, to change what you can, and ride what you cant as God stands before ye in your defense.

Always keep your love, keep your connection with the world, say in the hardest of times 'what would love do now'? Dont beat yourself up, hate if you must, cry in your pillow, use anger to bring you back to spirit. After a good hate, after you beat up your pillow, after some time of a good cry, you come to the light.

You dont need to heal trauma fully, you just bless it as part of your experience. and pray, stay good, stay in love. If the trauma was a choice you made (rather than say a death in the family, etc), find the belief in you that created it, examine it, then you can change it.

with love, I feel for your journey, and I send you good energy.

Thats all I have for now, I hope you understand this post its off the cuff, im not going to reread and edit so some may be incoherent :)

[martin05]

Ah, right, yes. Assimilated makes a lot more sense.

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

[gypsylee]

Forgive my two cents dear, but it's all I have! I'm so sorry to hear about this.

To be "cheated on" you must first believe it's possible (not in general per se, but to you personally). You have certain stored beliefs about men, relationships and so forth. You also have related not fully healed trauma and negative experiences in your past.

In a sense, you get what you expect. You may keep your feelings private and not post them here, but I want you to think back, before this relationship. Intuitively, you knew (feeling) some time ago that if it weren't cheating (in your future), it would be another betrayal, whether trust, acceptance, abuse, etc. I am saying, inside, you knew (again, gut feeling) this would happen - at some point in one form or another, yet again. You were afraid of it for periods of time, to an extent keeping yourself tucked in tight, and also preventing not only healing, but the chances of a mutual loving relationship. When you finally did step out, your fears we're realized. This 'gut feeling' may not have been verbal to you, but rather a sick stomach, fear, worry, anxiety etc whenever you pondered the topic. Or it may have said loudly 'dont do it again, stay away, you'll get hurt', dismissing that, you try again. Certainly there must be a Mr right?

Not while you expect Mr wrong. Again, this expectation may not be verbal, but feeling. You become ill as certain triggers pop up.

Then like a childrens innocent game of hide and seek, when your fears materialize, you cry afoul. Forgetting your feelings, wiping them away with hope. But hope and wishes dont work that way. To quote religion, 'God knows your heart', you understand. With free will to explore the ups and downs of life, you are given to what you feel. You can always trust your feelings. Not words.

Sometimes a sick stomach say in a new job, can be good, because it is new and you are overcoming, however sometimes a sick stomach can be a warning, of changes and choices. So it is up to you, to know how your belief system triggers your feelings. Another verse, 'know thyself to be true' is appropriate here.

You may say to yourself 'I cant trust men', feel sick, but push yourself to date one. Here you knew your belief, by the conscious words and feelings way ahead of time. When you can truly FEEL the opposite (and this is just a simplified example), you will experience the opposite.


Talk to you later I do wish you a good day

Suff, I do appreciate you taking the time and energy to write this but to me it’s a simple case of that guy hurting me before I could (supposedly) hurt him. He was very insecure and jealous, and was almost 20 years older than me, so I had quite the upper hand. I have no idea about this new woman but I’d put money on it she’s a “safer” bet than I was. I’ve often experienced this but after things have ended — the guy ends up in a long-term relationship with a woman that is quite a big “downgrade” if I dare say so.

But it is because of my terribly low self-esteem that I fall for these guys in the first place, or that I get so attached so quickly. I am forever trying to work on that but it’s pretty hard-wired I guess.

Thanks,
Gypsy x

[sm3392]

That is awful

[gypsylee]

Thanks for bumping this up. That WAS awful. I’m pretty much over it now and it’s really helpful to look back on things and see how we overcame them.