What Are You Thinking About Right Now

[cloudy black]

that its all quite hopeless

[cloudy black]

there really is no answer to that but if it makes you feel better then .....

[Worriergirl]

Why won't anyone help give me advice

[gypsylee]

I'm thinking "I'm gonna get my kicks before the whole shithouse goes up in flames!" (Jim Morrison)

[rebeccamcclellan]

I'm not thinking anything.:p

[NAJ]

That I have no idea how the things in my life right now that cause me anxiety will turn out in the upcoming weeks which causes more anxiety.

[MainerMikeBrown]

Right now I'm thinking that I'm glad that AnxietyForum.net exists so maybe I can help someone on this forum a little.

[TAJO11]

The meaning of life. Seriously, I am.

[salvator here]

The brutal holidays season. So painful and pure agony and I wish I could just sleep right through it. I want to hurl every time I see commercials promoting family gatherings.

[salvator here]

I learned this year that I am inadvertently standing in the way of my care. I don't trust people at all and medical professionals are no exception. I question things too much and come across as non compliant. When I was in the hospital last over the summer I didn't take part in groups and kept to myself in my room and didn't engage with others much. I don't trust people. There is only 1 person that has my best interests at heart and that is myself - only one I can trust. Basically the medical system gives up on my because of this. Nobody is interested in finding a different approach to helping me because they have guidelines and I don't fit into the typical patient mold. I don't want to socialize and I don't feel there is anything wrong with this given my special set of circumstances. I don't really like to have to rely (totally) on medication. I was told that I fight the system and this is not true.

So its just back to relying in myself to find a way to get through this. Always have; always will be!

[salvator here]

I'm trying to stop thinking right now :mad:

[IAmCamille]

I'm trying to stop thinking right now :mad:

lol, hahahaha

[martin05]

I'm thinking she is Camille ^

[Ponder]

▲ I'm wondering where Martins been? ▲

[martin05]

Haha, been a bit unwell. On the mend now though.

[Ponder]

Glad to hear it Martin. It's a boost for myself and others when your about this place.

[ataylor2889]

I wish that I didn't have to go over to my boyfriends instead him come over here because I live with my parents for now and he lives with his POP but it always makes me anxious when I'm over there. I feel better when I am at home where I am comfortable.

[nathalia1011]

im thinking about how life is really beautiful but sometimes it is really fairly unfair but still keep going.

[jonathangilbert]

I'm thinking about the meaning of life.

[Lou03]

Why I can’t get the app for this website cus I’m in the UK

[MainerMikeBrown]

Right now I'm thinking that I'm sick of winter weather and want spring and summer to finally arrive here in Maine.

[krishuang]

thank you very much

[salvator here]

Feeling a bit weary from being stuck in the house for too long. Should try to get out today.

[salvator here]

Gonna be a really nice day - should get outside and get some sun on this pale corpse Lol. Finally tapered my way off effexor yesterday (YAY!!!) and slowly coming back around to feeling human again :)

[Imperfect]

What a chore it is to get a 25 post count so I can start adding links. :)

[salvator here]

Strange intrusive thoughts daily of walking through the city in NY (haven't lived there or even been back since the millennium), I'm unable to tell the difference between that and when I'm disassociating, hasn't been harmful though and at times, I quite enjoyed the feeling again. This happens to me and as long as I don't act on anything or cause me harm, I accept it. Also have similar that of being in Vegas. Oh well.. I get to go to the casino and it cost me $0.00 :)

[salvator here]

Funny.. still going through this and was talking to a man panhandling on the street yesterday and he said almost the same thing word-for-word about NYC. I Couldn't go back, I wouldn't last a NY Second in this shape lol

Really wish I could say things were going much better since the last time I was on here, but the quite the opposite sad to admit.

Holiday seasons are pure bloody hell in all honesty. Halloween is nice I guess, nice to see the kids in costumes.

[MainerMikeBrown]

Now I'm thinking that I hope everyone has a fun and safe Halloween.

[salvator here]

The costumes I got to see were awesome this year :)

[MainerMikeBrown]

I saw some cool costumes myself, salvator.

[salvator here]

Upcoming holidays already because everywhere you go, its already Christmas. Makes me sort of want to not go out in stores right now. I know.. I know.. I said I wouldn't become a scrooge, but really?! Its not even thanksgiving yet :rolleyes:

[salvator here]

Sort of obsessing about a few appointments next week, a bit worried honestly, but trying to push it aside until Monday. The appointment is only a rheumatologist for the inflammation and to refill medications Monday; but I have to see both my therapist and APRN this week and I clam up every time because I don't appear compliant (which I suppose is true to some extent).

Otherwise, was a nice day, and get this.....I actually enjoyed the music and decorations, more the winter (Santa and Frosty) type. Was a good day and felt GREAT both physically and mentally for a change :)

[salvator here]

Double HA!!

I really need to just create another journal for as much as I abuse this threat for my own use.

Not too bad today, stayed up (sad that that is a huge achievement for me), mood was strong considering everyone is in holiday killer death mode. Road rage was bad, glad I'm just the passenger. People are supposed to nicer the happiest time of the year. Okay, let me stop :rolleyes:

I didn't allow people to penetrate my bubble and it worked **thumbs up** for that.

Still unsettled with myself and trying to get used to the fact that I can't go back and take what I learned when I really needed it them. Had I known what I know now, I'd be in a different place - no necessarily a better place though because I get the feeling my mania would've lead me down a different path to destruction. Nobody ever taught me, I got here on my very own without help from anybody, so I should pat myself on the back for that. I'm proud of that fact the I started my learning process in 2013 and really grew in the last 4 years. However, much of what I learned should've been instinct for a 16 year old boy and I was a child still.

Just blew a circuit and can't think so will write again later.

[salvator here]

Going to be nice weather tomorrow, should try to wind down and just be grateful things didn't go worse...because they could've gone MUCH worse. Want to walk maybe 1 mile if possible. Downhill is ok but coming back uphill is tough.

Anyway..

Hope everyone found something to do that at least distracted you from your troubles over the weekend.

[salvator here]

Waled today and it was nice. Weather was cloudy and brisk in the 50s and felt pretty good. I take it back though, uphill is easier on my back.

So far so good today :)

[salvator here]

^Oookps, meant WALKED today :rolleyes:

Oh well, still along the lines of what I'm thinking about, soo..

Alcohol!

Funny, I can go into a liquor store as I did today and not get any sort of craving for it. I can see and touch the bottles without problem. What triggers me is when I remember I could escape from reality and put myself into a coma. I cant ever touch it again or that would be "it" for me, this I know.

Going to create a journal this week about putting the past behind me and focusing on the future. I need to do this because I keep trying (in my own mind) to pretend to go back to a time when things 'seems' stable and fine. They weren't at all though looking back knowing what I know now.

Not a bad day overall just a little manic but better than the doldrums I suppose.

Ok, should step out of this thread for a while.

Hope everyone is at least remaining hopeful about the future and managing ok with everything. I just live day-by-day now and try now to worry about whats up ahead. Try to not look at everything on my plate and deal with 1 thine at a time and only what I can handle at the moment when I'm feeling strong enough.

[Ponder]

Train Simulator
Cities Skylines
Family Court
NDIS
Train Simulator
Cities Skylines
Sniper Elite 4
Far Cry 4
Train Simulator
Cities Skylines
Food & Water

[MainerMikeBrown]

Right now I'm thinking about what a heartbreaking loss the Patriots suffered earlier today in Miami against the Dolphins. They lost on the last play of the game.

So it's sort of tough to be a Pats fan right now. But maybe they'll do better next week.

[salvator here]

Reflecting back on 2018; bittersweet!

[MainerMikeBrown]

Right now I'm thinking about 2018 and how it's been for me as well, Salvator.

I'm happy to say that it's been a good year for me.

[salvator here]

Right now I'm thinking about 2018 and how it's been for me as well, Salvator.

I'm happy to say that it's been a good year for me.That's good to hear Mainer :)

[Ponder]

https://i.ibb.co/zb2394H/giphy.gif

[salvator here]

My evenings bring along some extreme lows even on all the medications I take. I told the APRN today about it when I say her and all she could say is check in to the hospital if its gets worse. Honestly, by now, I should be used to this, but it still stings and I find it hard to accept it that there really isn't any help for me. The same revolving door in and out of psych wards with no real aftercare (just bills bills and more bills I can't pay), maybe its different if your rich. I'm well into my 40s and I'm pretty set into my ways by now and I don't see how this is going to change and they understand this about me, they label me as non-compliant. At times (most times) I feel beyond help, like its just too late.

Today was very bad (physically and mentally) and I was severely depressed all day. Honestly I felt suicidal. They don't care either. I'm seen as another dread of society and a waste of the resources. I think I'm just so tired and simply worn out from this ride (life). Always struggled and never got ahead.

Maybe tomorrow will be different. Its 1:45 AM and my mind is racing and fuming. Should just unplug everything. Could be the upcoming holidays but I cant be sure anymore.

[salvator here]

Going for a walk today and just forget everything that's on my plate. Enjoy the moment and fresh air. Outside without other people around me, the environment soothes me and comforts.

[Ponder]

Where abouts do you walk Sal? What places do you go to keep is a low key event?

[salvator here]

Depending on my energy level, I might only walk down to the end of the entrance of the project building and back. Today I walked to the dollar store 1.23 miles there to buy a soda and back home. Most times I huff and puff my way back. But it is low key, in that very few people travel along the walk. Sometimes only a few cars. I can take a break 1/4 way there on a bench. Today a guy complimented me on my shades and that way nice.

EDIT: and I didn't feel depressed while out today.

[Ponder]

........................ :)

[salvator here]

Tonight was the most beautiful full moon, the clouds covered it just right and I was glad to be out at night for a change. It sort of lifted the depression for a while.

[salvator here]

That I'm too aware for my own good; even my therapist agrees. He said its because of this that I torture myself much more than people oblivious to their disabilities. I constantly worry and pine for, and become jealous of others that are able to function and enjoy the (so called) "normalcy" and enjoy life without limitations and constant battle with their own mind. There was a time when I was in fact oblivious to some extent, and while I was always shocked by everything, I was able to get 'out of my own way' long enough to enjoy life. Now, I overthink everything and not a second goes by that I'm not very aware of that my mental illness, and how it affects my day-to-day experiences.

[Ponder]

Thanks for the read Sal. Srry have not been well enough to get right into it.
Yes ... many people take stability for granted. If only they knew how hard it could be ... if they had been dealt cards similar that what we have had to endure or see.

[salvator here]

I should do that wait and see approach this year. Rather than react right away, wait until I can see clearly before I react to feelings. Maybe my resolution for this year.

[Ponder]

Waits a while before responding. :)

[AnxietyFacts]

How is possible to not think anything at all? If you are thinking of nothing you are still thinking of an entity known as "nothing" which is technically "something".

[MadMU]

I'm thinking about how I want to sleep... 4 hours of sleep is just not enough... I need more...

[MainerMikeBrown]

Now I'm thinking that mud season is right around the corner here in Maine.

And I'm glad because we've had a lot of snow on the ground here this winter.

I say goodbye to winter!

[MainerMikeBrown]

Now I'm thinking that I wish that it got up to 50 degrees (F) here in southern Maine today like the meteorologists said it would.

[MainerMikeBrown]

Now I'm laughing at myself because I can walk long distances, but I can't run far.

[salvator here]

I should try to find way to let go of things that are irrelevant to my current situation. Instead, I let things bother and ruin my day that haven't applied for many many years. I wish I knew how to sift through the BS in my head that is still got a hold on me.

[MainerMikeBrown]

Now I'm thinking that I'm glad that this summer has been a good one for me so far.

I hope the rest of the summer will be as well.

Wish me luck! Thanks.

[salvator here]

Sort of going over the day and things I would've done differently; All-in-all, though, the day wasn't too bad and nothing bad happened, all I can expect. Went for a short walk just up and down the hill to get some sun. I like the feeling of sun on my back. I stopped walking and it gets harder to get back up after a while. Need to brake the cycle sometimes I guess.

[salvator here]

Wishing you the very best Mike and glad to hear you've enjoyed summer thus far. Its really what you make of it and you deserve the credit for taking control.

[salvator here]

This summer flew by and I can't believe we're at the end of August already. I managed to get out of the house almost every day - and that in of itself - is an accomplishment. Many many years I could've leave the house. Hard sometimes I guess but worth it. Some regret that I didn't go in the pool. Just didn't trust the chlorine was managed correctly.

[Dahila]

Sal all this is progress, does not matter if they are small steps. I hate public pools and disgusted by it ;) Chlorine makes my skin red and itchy

[salvator here]

Thank you, Dahila. I tend to be extra hard on myself I guess.

[Dahila]

yes, you are not kind to yourself and you should , a bit of love toward yourself is needed :) . Sending you a very warm thoughts

[MainerMikeBrown]

Now I'm thinking about all those affected by the latest hurricane which destroyed much of the Bahamas. I hope the world can help them, as they really need the help.

[salvator here]

Thanks Dahilia, I apprentice it. Means a lot to know you care.

[Dahila]

Sal; Always :) ...............

[MainerMikeBrown]

Now I'm thinking about how pretty the autumn leaves are around where I live right now.

I'm also thinking that I'm a little surprised that the leaves have changed as much as they have already. Usually, the peak leaves in southern Maine are in the middle of October. But this year the peak may be earlier than usual.

[Dahila]

same here is like fall leaves falling, windy, rainy but the call for 30 Celsius for Tueday :((((

[MainerMikeBrown]

Now I'm thinking about how sleepy I feel right now.

[salvator here]

Maybe not good for me but I can't help it. Thinking about the past and the things I used to be able to do then without the horrendous anxiety getting in the way. I don't know, I guess I was a bit wild in my 20's. I don't want to do those things anymore though I've grown up a lot since then. Nostalgia isn't really very healthy for me and constantly ruminating about 'what used to be' and 'should've done this and should've done that' Ya know.

[Dahila]

Must be something in the air Sal, I am doing same thing :(

[MainerMikeBrown]

Now I'm thinking that I'm glad I wasn't sleepy today, as I only got six and a half hours of sleep last night.

Many people can get away with sleeping six and a half hours at night. However, I usually need my full eight hours, for whatever reason.

[salvator here]

Must be something in the air Sal, I am doing same thing :(I suspect that there is a fine line between reminiscing and ruminating about the past. In general though, when I think about the past, I get sad. I decided to put away some of the old photos I had laying around reminding of a time gone by and it helped immensely. I won''t throw them away though but walking down memory lane huts too much.

[Dahila]

I am kind of getting upset everytime I think about past, for my low self esteem, my anxiety, my mistakes, my ruing life of other people and taking abuse without complaining. It is screwed up , they say what you can not change do accept it, I can not for the last week I am back to my dear insomnia just as soon as I turn the lights off , the nightmarish past comes back,
I can not change it, but still the regret, the hate, the sadness all this exist and ruins my so shaky balance

[salvator here]

Been struggling with insomnia here as well and it makes things so much worse when we can't sleep. If not for sleep meds I would be screwed. The mind races and the past comes back as well as worry about the future. Trying to take it day-by-day. We deserve a break form the torture because well all make mistakes, nobody is perfect. Perhaps (I"ll only speak for myself) I've not fully accepted everything in the past. I can't change what happened. My therapist talks about radical acceptance - meaning I don't have to like it, and it doesn't mean its fair or right and accepting it is for me (My own sanity) not for the people that have wronged me. I try but can't seem to do make it work for me I just try to distract myself when I feel the past haunting me. I also have to accept my part in certain situations. IN some cases I was too naive and walked right into the hands of people with bad intentions. Looking back I should've seen the clear warning signs.

I understand Dahila, I really understand and I get it and feel you on everything you said. Trust me.

Thinking of you.. *hug*

[Dahila]

Thank you Sal, the problem is the meds do not work on me, clear mind does, A lot things are happening in my life and as soon as my routine is interrupted there goes my sleep. eh
I have no ability to forgive myself , that's the problem

[MainerMikeBrown]

Now I'm thinking that I'm glad I got my electricity back about an hour ago.

I lost power for about an hour. The likely culprit was windy weather.

[salvator here]

Sleep is so important for us isn't it, its a time for our mind and body to reset. I can get by on 5-6 hours of uninterrupted sleep, but much less and I feel wrecked the next day. Usually my sleep is pretty broken up though. You're right D, hard to unwind sometimes when things are in turmoil.

Yeah, I get nervous when the power goes out. Glad only 1 hour Mike you were without it.

[MainerMikeBrown]

Thanks, Sal.

I don't get nervous when the power goes out. But it is a pain in the butt for me.

[Dahila]

If you do not know me by now ;)

[MainerMikeBrown]

Now I'm thinking that I'm glad that I got up out of bed early today.

[Dahila]

I am thinking of turning computer off and go to bed

[MainerMikeBrown]

Now I'm thinking that I don't know what I want to do today. I haven't figured it out yet. I'm sure I'll come up with something though.

[Dahila]

hehe I do not want to do anything today but I have to pack 11 sculls (bath bombs) pack and label, I do not feel like doing anything at all
sunny beautiful day

[salvator here]

Took it easy today I guess. Got to see a waterfall today and it was nice. Took a break from walking because it was raining. Going to rain all week in fact with high winds.

[Dahila]

waterfalls are my favorite places, It calms me the sound the sparkling water.

[Dahila]

I wish everyone a safe and happy weekend, It is Thanksgiving on Monday in Canada.

[MainerMikeBrown]

Now I'm thinking about how awesome the autumn leaves look around where I live right now!

They're so colorful this year.

[salvator here]

I hope you have a nice Thanksgiving, Dahila.

Glad you're enjoying Autumn, Mike.

Take care :)

[Dahila]

thank you Sal, I know yours is next month , I think you are in US, but maybe wrong.

[MainerMikeBrown]

I'm looking forward to this year's Thanksgiving here in the U.S.

[Dahila]

Yeah it is an important day as in Canada and in US. Right now I am thinking how much I do appreciate my life , even it is not easy, Every Saturday I am exhausted due a lot of contact with people. the rest of week is almost complete solitude, Contact with people is really stressful even they are awesome
I think the forum became our chat room Mike and Sal, which make me very happy. I am thankful for you guys

[salvator here]

Yes I'm in the US.

I'm thankful for the forum and to be in the company of you both - Dahila and Mike. Sometimes the highlight of my day is reading postings here.

[Dahila]

So is mine, I do not feel alone so much , and we are keeping forum alive ;)

[MainerMikeBrown]

It's good to be in the company of you both too, Dahila and Sal.

[Dahila]

thanks Mke at least we have each other, I am very happy Sal is with us, posting almost everyday. Do not stop Sal we will support you :)
We support each other, I love coming here every day :)

[MainerMikeBrown]

Now I'm thinking that I'm hungry. I'll be eating supper soon. I never had lunch today.

[Dahila]

did you have a nice supper Mike?

[MainerMikeBrown]

Yes, I did, Dahila. Thanks for asking.

[Dahila]

I am thinking about going to bed to have prostate position. I got up at 6 left for market at 7 came back not long ago. I had stuffed myself now I can not to go to lie down with the book :( I am also planing what I will do this week in workshop; It is a lot. The weather suppose to be nice and I need to clean my rock garden for winter time. Only weeds left ;)

[MainerMikeBrown]

Now I'm thinking that the corn chowder I had for lunch today was the best corn chowder I've had in a long time.

[Dahila]

oh it must be good ;)

[MainerMikeBrown]

A friend of mine made the corn chowder. He has no past culinary experience. But he put together a corn chowder recipe that I thought was awesome.

It just goes to show you that you don't need to be a great chef in order to put together a delicious chowder.

[Dahila]

I am thinking about; what to watch now?

[salvator here]

Trying to unwind and destress and prepare for bedtime at a descent time for a change. Being up late and only getting 5 hours every night is wearing me out.

[Dahila]

I am trying not worry about election results, but my effort is not working

[Dahila]

The worst happened, The election in Canada were a huge fraud, I am completely down and sad not knowing what happen next day. the prices went up hour after election. Election Canada admitted that the send by "mistake" 120 thousands voting cards to people who are not Canadian citizens ...........we have thousands of illegals
Hell

[MainerMikeBrown]

Now I'm thinking that I should go to the mall on Friday since I haven't been there in a long time.

I might go to the bookstore near the mall and purchase a book or two.

I'll play it by year.

[Dahila]

I am exhausted but I had done a lot today and had a nice conversation with person I like a lot ;)

[salvator here]

Been worried today because my doctor wants me to taper off my zyprexa because he feels the benefit is not outweighing the side effects anymore. While I agree, still, get nervous about coming of certain meds. Zyprexa is one that is noted for having withdraw symptoms. I'm going to feel it (Maybe) and I worry because some days are all I can do to just get out of bed and get dressed. I lied and said I only had 1 weeks worth but I actually have more pills so maybe I can taper very VERY slowly. My doctor said to cut in 1/2 and go off it in 1 week, yeah right. I'll try for 2 weeks and 3 days worth of pills. antipsychotics are hell to come off and I won't start any new meds after this fiasco. Sick of med roller coaster. IN all honestly I'll be glad to be off this toxic med though for good so maybe that will give me hope and to remain positive about it.

[Dahila]

ween yourself slowly very slowly I had done it with gabapentin and took for me like 2 months not withdrawal at all. I am just on Clonazepam 0.5 mg a day

[salvator here]

Thank you, Dahila, your support means a lot to me.

[Dahila]

np Sal, I hope you have a good Sunday :)

[MainerMikeBrown]

I ended up going to the mall this past Friday like I was considering doing.

I ate at a restaurant that's in the mall. It was a buffet style restaurant. The food was nothing special.

But I still enjoyed going to the mall anyway.

Now I'm thinking about the Patriots/Browns game at 4:20 EST today that's in Foxboro. The weather is very rainy in New England today. So it should be fun to watch the game.

[Dahila]

jeez Mike you are brave, I only go to the mall when there is not other way to get something, and in very early hour so not many people there, I hope the game was good

[MainerMikeBrown]

Going to the mall comes easy to me. It's different for everyone.

[Dahila]

yeah I hate crowds, I can not take when people rub against me, I need my personal space. I was always this way

[MainerMikeBrown]

After a while, I get bored walking around malls.

[Dahila]

yeah it is boring, People move like ants in their direction, who knows why they move so fast .......

[MainerMikeBrown]

Now I'm thinking that I'm glad I got power a couple of hours ago. I was without power due to some nasty weather.

[MainerMikeBrown]

Some of the smaller ponds in my area are starting to freeze over. So I'm thinking that those who like to go ice fishing will be happy soon.

[salvator here]

Can't believe how numb I feel.

[MainerMikeBrown]

Now I'm thinking that I'm glad I had as good of a day as I had today. My dad and I went down to Portland (Maine) to see a race car exhibition show. We had fun. Lots of nice race cars on display there.

[IAmCamille]

I'm thinking about summer vacation. I'm missing my family back home and I wanted to spend a month with them.

[IAmCamille]

Thinking about spring break. I wanted to unwind and think less.

[MainerMikeBrown]

Now I'm thinking that it's going to be weird seeing NFL quarterback Tom Brady play for another team next season. He's been with the Patriots for twenty seasons, and has had great success with the Pats.

[salvator here]

The past.....

[salvator here]

Worrying, what else :(

[salvator here]

Getting ready to unplug everything and try to go to bed. Its about 12:30 AM.

[salvator here]

Going over my day in my head. I don't know. Hard to get up and get going. Stayed out most of the day. Glad I'm home though.

[Dahila]

home sweet home , I am thinking about going to bed, My day is long already

[salvator here]

Yes.. home sweet home - indeed!

Was out most of the day and got some sun and fresh air. Walked though the village with coffee from starbucks. Anxiety was awful but I pushed through it and I'm glad I did. Glad to be home now :)

[MainerMikeBrown]

Now I'm thinking that it's good to be alive and emotionally/physically well.

[salvator here]

Yeah, we do tend to take life for granted, sometimes, don't we.

I don't know about always being emotionally and physically well, for me, some days are better than others so its hard to make an overall judgment

But, being alive is certainly better than the alternative :-)

[salvator here]

Rough day, no other way to put it, some days I wish I had a reset button Lol...oh well, that's my reality, best to find a way to accept it and not let it get me down in the dumps. Perhaps I'm too self aware these days, I don't know, sometimes miss that 'happy go lucky' old me.

I still am convinced I was born nine months premature, or something!! HAHA ;-)

[salvator here]

No plans this weekend, just thinking about somewhere to go and enjoy the scenery tomorrow :)

[Dahila]

wondering ; should I go to be or watch another episode of French serial about the hospital ?

[salvator here]

Sort of sad Halloween is over. I got a chance to see the decorations in town and kids in their costumes - they were so cute - was nice to say again :)

[salvator here]

How badly I need to sleep! Haven't had a good night sleep in so long, can hardly recall. There is a direct correlation to sleep and my state of mind. Rough night = Rough day. I wake up lately feeling like a cadaver.

[salvator here]

Still going over in my mind the nightmares I had last night.

[salvator here]

4 more days left till xmas.. ugh :(

[Ponder]

Thinking about poor Santa:

https://i.ibb.co/DptS6MR/santa.png

[Ponder]

Perhaps a little too much? Thinking I should of got pressies for the rest of family, but have just settled for my name to be on the card for our grandson. I'm pretty sure my wife took care of things with the rest. I just generally just smile and pretend not to be surprised when I am thanked for the presents. Xmas has worn out quickly over the years. In fact it's only become a thing once more since my grandson was born. Birthdays hold more meaning, but even then I am not so switched on. I much prefer to focus on relations in between such celebrations. I also don't do funerals. Although I love my mum very much, she already knows I won't be going to hers either. We already had that talk. Way too ritualistic. I'm a very private person when it comes to face to face or public events that include family affairs.

OK - think about santa again - something a bit lighter ... but not light enough for Santa!

https://i.ibb.co/zbzs399/alien-santa.png

[IAmCamille]

I miss family and friends. I wonder if we'll have the same celebration next Christmas.

[salvator here]

Somebody is picking me up today to go to the dollar store :D :D :D

[salvator here]

Oh man.. it was fun, picked up a few items and got an iced coffee; but the anxiety, at times I couldn't quite focus...I'm very glad to be back home now.

[Ponder]

Thanks for sharing Sal. I went out to a shop that sells awesome pies. I prefer at the moment with the hole sign in CV19 thing to just buy something quick then bring it home. Once it is less of a chore to go out re the line ups, sign ins and waving the phone ... I will maybe start hanging out longer then. That said, a trip to the markets might be worth it ... also when things quieten down a bit. I too am not overly joyed with crowds.

Enjoyed reading about you having a good time. TY.

[salvator here]

wondering ; should I go to be or watch another episode of French serial about the hospital ?Thinking of you, Dahila, and hope you are doing ok, and no reply needed :)

[Ponder]

Yes - I too thinking of Dahila.

[IAmCamille]

Hello. I hope everyone's fine. I'm thinking of the plans I have. I hope I can start them soon.

[salvator here]

Hello. I hope everyone's fine. I'm thinking of the plans I have. I hope I can start them soon.Doing well; Camille. Thinking about getting outside before I speak to my therapist today as its sunny and only about 21° should without question perk me up :)

[IAmCamille]

Hey! How are you? I'm thinking about the beach right now. How it would be nice to just chill.

[Enthydr]

Hey! I'm good. How are you, people? Not exactly the beach, but I just think of being away, somewhere relaxing, but I doubt I could do that any time soon.

[IAmCamille]

Convincing myself that I'm halfway to the weekend. so get

[salvator here]

Hi everyone :)

Its going to be in the 60's today - bright and sunny and I'm going out if it kills me today. Sad to say, I've not been leaving the house much at all as of late. I'm working on that, though.

[salvator here]

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-vdrh5UxLrhw/T2iWcKsvPsI/AAAAAAAAJro/BOiFec0er2U/s1600/calendar_may_flowers_hg_clr.gif

[salvator here]

75° F ... bright and sunny here this morning. Must (absolutely must) get out today. Couldn't make it out yesterday, but I'm getting in the shower and WILL (at least) go for a short walk because people need sunglasses when they see me ... this is how pale I've become :eek:

Enjoy your Sunday everyone :)

~Sal

[Enthydr]

I'm thinking of eating. I've been craving a lot for Asian food lately. Have you tried some? Which dish or cuisine you love the most?

[Mindalex]

Yes, I have tried some and I liked Korean food the most. Also, Thai.. they're food are exquisite as well.

[salvator here]

I used to quite enjoy Thai food when my stomach could handle it. Now, things have changed. Today is going to be nice and I'm gonna get outside.

I Hope everyone here at AF will have an awesome weekend :)

[IAmCamille]

How is everybody doing? I'm thinking of having a haircut. Been a long time since I had one.

[salvator here]

How is everybody doing? I'm thinking of having a haircut. Been a long time since I had one.I'm feelin' groovy :) I now have shoulder length hair and I'm gonna keep it - people have commented that they like it and I do too. One day I'll need a trim as its getting a bit wild. Dark brown long hair that I can pony-tail and a grey/white beard and mustache ... Ha! Good luck with your haircut; Camille :)

[IAmCamille]

Haha, that's cool. Haven't got the haircut though. But I'm planning on having it this weekend. Wish me luck. Fingers crossed I don't regret it.

[salvator here]

Yeah, but its wild and needs to be layered at some point, but my phobia is pretty bad as my hairdresser that I had for many years retired. She just knew me and 'got me' without judgment and I didn't even need to talk she did all the talking for me. I don't know I'll find somebody like that again.

Hoping all goes well for you; Camille.

Enjoy your weekend everyone.

[Ponder]

Haha, that's cool. Haven't got the haircut though. But I'm planning on having it this weekend. Wish me luck. Fingers crossed I don't regret it.

Your turn to share a pic.

[salvator here]

Dearest; Camille :)

We; here at AF take "Hair cutting" very very seriously. yes we do, indeed, I say :)

So we'll need to know:

Did you decide go with:

a) the Jennifer Aniston
b) the Sharon Stone
c) the Katy Perry

or

d) ???

We anxiously wait with "bated breath" for your answer...

[salvator here]

Good afternoon everyone (12:30 PM here) and 77° F bright and sunny.

Wishing everyone well this Monday and for the upcoming week ahead.

[Ponder]

I fear they might of cut too much off or got the color wrong with Camille's recent trip to the salon? My thoughts are with you today Camile

Where and temps here are conducive to my health

Have a good day/evening all.

U2 Sal ;)

[Enthydr]

I'm kinda feeling down right now for a reason I am uncertain of. Oh, well. Another one of those days when all I wanna do is stare at the ceiling.

[salvator here]

I'm kinda feeling down right now for a reason I am uncertain of. Oh, well. Another one of those days when all I wanna do is stare at the ceiling.I'm sorry you're having one of those days - hopefully your day will improve.

[salvator here]

Looking forward to getting to starbucks today and trying the new pink drink!

Made with Strawberry Acai Refresher, Starbucks' pink drink has a tiny bit of caffeine, thanks to some green coffee extract. Instead of water, it's mixed with coconut milk to create the shade of pink that makes it so Instagrammable. It's topped off with chunks of fresh strawberries and blueberries that add to the fruity flavor :)

[salvator here]

I tried the new pink drink and it wasn't that good actually. Would be better to make it yourself and save the money. Green tea based drinks *can* improve GABA in the brain according to some.

[salvator here]

Wondering how everyone here is doing?

We just have to let go anything negative that is dragging us down and 'shift' our focus on that basic things that are pure. Its going to be raining today and something as simple as rain drops on the head can be soothing.

Hope everyone here is managing ok, regardless of the situation.

[IAmCamille]

I'm back! I missed the community. How's everybody been? Well, I'm thinking of having something special to eat. Any recommendations?

[salvator here]

I'm back! I missed the community. How's everybody been? Well, I'm thinking of having something special to eat. Any recommendations?Welcome back; Camille .. I was actually wondering what happened to you. Sadly, as you can see, this place has the tendency to go very dead if we allow it. I'm always surprised when I check and this place is still going tbh.

But to answer your question: I've just been all over the place, I guess. Some days are rough with flashbacks and nightmares all night. This morning I'm badly struggling to ground myself because I feel so lost.

Anyway, so glad so see you're back and I hope you find something tasty to eat. In reality ... they say everything taste like chicken anyway Lol :)

[salvator here]

...I'm back! I missed the community. How's everybody been?...I don't know; Camille, as you can clearly see, I tried to get the "community" back and have quoted everybody that I can recall having posted here this year and nobody is coming back. Sadly, I think we may just have to face the fact that there is no reviving to this place. I'm sad and will miss what used to be here, but I'm going to stay at nomorepanic now for good. I only returned here when I got your notification and you seem to be a nice person and you're certainly welcome to welcome to join me over at NMP.

https://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/activity.php

AF will always hold a special place in my heart, but, like all things, nothing last forever and change in inevitable.

Be well everyone :)

[Enthydr]

I don't know; Camille, as you can clearly see, I tried to get the "community" back and have quoted everybody that I can recall having posted here this year and nobody is coming back. Sadly, I think we may just have to face the fact that there is no reviving to this place. I'm sad and will miss what used to be here, but I'm going to stay at nomorepanic now for good. I only returned here when I got your notification and you seem to be a nice person and you're certainly welcome to welcome to join me over at NMP.

https://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/activity.php

AF will always hold a special place in my heart, but, like all things, nothing last forever and change in inevitable.

Be well everyone :)

This made me sad. I hope everyone's just busy.

[salvator here]

This made me sad. I hope everyone's just busy.Oh don't be sad ... I hope I'm wrong and this forum will once again thrive as it once did. Ok, I'll just say it: Where the HELL is everyone?!?!? No such thing as too busy for anxietyforum. This is top priority so everybody come back and lets get this party jumpin':D

Yeah.. I know: I'm leaving, I'm back; I'm leaving, I'm back - call me fickle (I've been called worse Lol)

[Mindalex]

I'm thinking of giving someone another chance, but it would cost me the rest of my life. I'm not sure what to do...

[salvator here]

I'm thinking of giving someone another chance, but it would cost me the rest of my life. I'm not sure what to do...Trust your gut instinct. My dearly departed Father used to say: "A second chance doesn't mean anything if you didn't learn from your first." While I do believe in second chances; I also (firmly) believe 'fool me once, shame on them - fool me twice, shame on me'. Is this person deserving of another chance? Sometimes we hope people that have done us wrong will change only to continue to keep hurting ourselves repeatedly [codependency].

Good luck with whatever you decide :)

[salvator here]

I hope everyone reading has an awesome weekend. Stay healthy and strong. We've sooo got this !!! https://ih1.redbubble.net/image.1255075218.5554/st,small,845x845-pad,1000x1000,f8f8f8.u2.jpg

[Enthydr]

I'm thinking of going somewhere. I am bored!

[salvator here]

I have the opposite problem, people have to come to take me out and I can go out ... ugh. You should try and go somewhere.

[IAmCamille]

I'm thinking of going somewhere. I am bored!

Then just go out and hang with your friends or family. What's hindering you to do so?

[salvator here]

I'd like to go to starbucks today if possible.

[salvator here]

I enjoyed going to Starbucks today. it was nice as they know me and accept me as I am and I don't have to pretend to be "Normal". Right now, I'm thinking about watching Hell Fest tonight.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=olBLvQ26_eM

[Ponder]

The perfect place for a killer to do his work. Interesting spin. Australia Netflix does not have this. Australia Netflix have *&^% all to be honest. All good ... it's coming in via another channel right now! Good traffic too. : D

Glad you had a good time out Sal. I might go out and tinker with my bamboo and hopefully make an entry myself a bit later.

Thanks for the Jackson vibes too. ;)

[Ponder]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMv0Pg1AxFc

[salvator here]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMv0Pg1AxFc

I would recommend you give these two a look see .. I love em :)

http://funhtml5games.com/?play=retroracer

https://www.funhtml5games.com/?play=outrun

Enjoy!

[Ponder]

lol Sal ... Very cool. Much appreciated. I have to say though I am quite sensitive to the missing content such as tiers squeaking, slightest difference in clarity re the music with your link being slightly smoother - plus the extra traffic and signage and a couple of other things not quite right. It's the little small changes and when it comes to sound it must be exact when I am taking a sip of nostalgia. Don't get me wrong - that's a cool place on the web and I remember (I think) how you previously once said how you like to chill with such games. I do to on occasion, but find it hard to do so on ones modeled off those I used to play over and over and over and over.

When I used to sleep on the streets regular back in the 80s there was one an arcade I would regularly hang at in Kings Dross Sydney and Outrun was my game of choice. It was kind of my drug and helped comfort me. I would lose myself in that game. I like that fact that I was sitting in something surrounded on all sides sitting low and felt comfortable cut off from everyone else. The movement going left to right was also comforting. I was good at that game and typically made what little I have last for hours and hours. Having been labeled with various traits, (autistic ones on the spectrum) - the slightest changes to games that are permanently imprinted in me (and they are which is why I love retro game) tend to se me recoil. It's rare that I will play retro games based on that ... hmmm ... predisposition I guess you might call it. However when it comes to hitting those games that mimic the original, that predisposition turns into an advantage as the joy I get is like day one when I took to those simplicity games the way I did.

When I was thinking of that game the outrun, ('thinking of' being the topic of this thread) it brought back many memories not only of the wonderful void I would find comfort in (autisticly so - lol & whatever ) in the midst of a crazy place like Kings Cross was back then - I was also thinking about how crazy and complicated both games and life has become since.

Thanks for the links Sal ... I enjoy playing new arcade ones I don't know. That way I am less triggered. : ) Ha ha ... good call though.

Question for you Sal, if I may ... Did you play much pinball and or arcade games back in the late 70s and early 80s?

[Ponder]

This has some great crackers in it:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hb0iPO_ZML8

[salvator here]

I ate too much and feel too full. Thinking about anjoying a cup of tea now.

[Ponder]

I wish I could stop eating Sal :(

[Memaw52]

I'm thinking of tomorrow, the day after and days after that. I'm trying to think positive but I'm feeling empty inside.

[salvator here]

I'm thinking of tomorrow, the day after and days after that. I'm trying to think positive but I'm feeling empty inside.Hello ... I've given up trying to think positive anymore and just take is as it comes now without being too negative. Not worth the let down. I also feel very empty inside and I'm just on auto-pilot these days. Just trying to get by the holidays and hope for the best. I realize hope doesn't mean much without some effort and faith, but I'm losing faith each passing day for the future and I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I think we just have to keep going somehow. I don't know.

[salvator here]

Thinking about dreaded holiday already ... ugh. Hope everyone is doing well or managing somehow.

[salvator here]

Sort of thinking back to childhood when the holidays seemed very nice. On the bright side .. I don't have to buy a single thing for anybody :D

[Ponder]

................................... :)

[salvator here]

So glad I got outside today. Been rough lately and from the bed to the couch to the couch back to bed isn't good. Feel weak in the legs and need to change this. Overall much better and eating dinner and will look for something on Shudder.

[salvator here]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QMZS3BgWIA8

Ah ... this seems interesting ... will rate in the AM

I hope everyone is doing well or managing alright.

[Ponder]

Sold - I'll watch this one later as well. Thx.

... doing ok

Hope others as well too ...

[salvator here]

OMG ... Jim Carrey - The Mask (1994 film) is on :D :D :D

[Ponder]

OMG ... Jim Carrey - The Mask (1994 film) is on :D :D :D

Yea that was a pretty good one that.

[salvator here]

Tomorrow I'm going to 'Deck The Halls' ... meaning ... I'm going to knock out my neighbors Mr and Mrs Hall :D

[Ponder]

Haha ... ...