TheShortBus
11-11-2008, 06:38 PM
hi all, im a 20 year old guy and ive been suffering with anxiety i guess you could say my hole life :/..
my mom said when i was very young i hated to be in crowds, and meeting my parents friends. they always would just say i was very shy. this continued until i was about 6 or 7 i would say. i remembered being at the mall or something and just wanting nothing to do with it. i just wanted to get out and be home. once i was about 12 or 13 it was gone for the most part, but i still had pretty bad social anxiety. i wasnt completely shut off to people or anything like that, i just wasnt the first to start a conversation unless i knew you. this continued all through out school until graduated. and i got better as the years went on through out school.
my family never moved around or anything stressful like that, as well with all my close friends stayed around. actually the 3 guys i live with right now have been some of my best friends my hole life. so ive got good people in my life i can go to. but at the same time i guess that was some of the reasoning for not really branching out and getting close to other people through out high school.
i wasnt in a serious relationship until i was 18. she was one of those girls who people would have to do a double take when they saw us and say "wait shes with him?!....." so not only having someone that close in my life was helping me, but it just upped my self confidence level from like a 4 to a 200 :P. anyway we were only together for 4 months because she turned out to be kind of a whore... hints she would be with a guy like me in the first place lol. she pretty much completely crushed me after i found some stuff out that had been goin on with her.. and then i some how forgave her and we were goin to keep tying it. she left for school and we were still together at the time. then from the day she left, she stopped talking to me all together for no reason.. that was her way of breaking it off lol. i didnt see her for 3 months, and when i did we kept hooking up like nothing had ever happend, and then every time i saw her after that. anyway like i said shes not the best person, and really made my pretty depressed for about 6 months....
during all of this i was dealing with two of my good friends relationship as well. they would both come to me wining about what that other had done. the guy in the relationship was i guess what you would call my best friend (at the time..) so i kinda had to take a side.. so always being stuck in the middle of that stressed me out so much... and on top of all that he pretty much walked all over me and screwed me over more than one time...but like i said im really forgiving....
on my 20th birthday is when my panic attacks really started. first off my "best fiend^^" ditched me all day... so i sat around by myself on my birthday :/. wasnt to big a deal, i kept my self occupied. it got to be about 9pm and my ex and her best friend (who i forgot to mention was my best friends girl friend) called to wish me a happy birthday and wanted me to drive up and see them. i didnt really want to go but they told me her ex "my best friend" was driving up not invited.. so they really wanted me to come and deal with him.... some birthday wish lol. so after they begged me to come for like 20 min i still stayed home. i dont know why but dealing with all of that just stressed me out really bad and i would guess my blood pressure was sky high. so my mom gave me one of her low mg zolofts and it seemed to chill me out.
later that night my buddy called to talk about something. when he called it woke me up cuz it was about 1:30am. i guess the phone kinda startled me when i woke up or something cuz i felt really weird right away. i talked to him for a min or two and told him i wasnt feeling well and had to go. from that point on i started freaking out..... aka my first panic attack... i honestly think it was a pretty serious one too. i got so overwhelmed that i started throwing up and sweating... i jumped in a cool shower, but it didnt seem to do much. i just kept getting sick and it was really scaring me. i threw up everything in my system possible. i thought i was goin crazy. and at once point i was sittin in the shower and started having thoughts that i had cancer and i was goin to die soon. i actually pictured myself laying in the hospital saying good bye to my family... after that i think it seemed so real that i almost started to cope with the idea that i did have something. this was deffinatly the scariest thing i have ever experienced in my life. i give major props to people who have to deal with this kinda thing a lot!!!
well all that actually ended up lasting about 2 months.. i did nothing but lay in bed. i didnt want to leave my house, i guess you could call it my safe zone. i ended up looseing about 10 lbs because i didnt have an appetite at all. because of this i was in the bath room a lot sick. after awhile i really felt like i was goining crazy i started noticing things that i do like i was really ocd or something. i would watch every step i took down the hall, watch my hard as i reached for a door knob, and i felt like i was halving to physically tell myself to turn it.. i felt like i was watching my self though a camera or on tv or something, was a really weird and hard to explain. i finally got an appointment to see a psychologist i was felling a bit better by then, but just the thought of everything just scared me so much. she was quite the odd ball :p but very nice. she made me feel a lot better by making me realize how many people really go through this. she gave me 40mg of paxil and .5mg of xanex to take every day. it seemed to help for about 3 months, and then i just got sick of taking it. i just felt like i was having to rely on the stupid meds to feel sane and i didnt like the thought of it. either way ive been fine for the last 3 months off of it now...
until four days ago.... woke up with the wost panic attack ive ever had.. im also moved out of my perents house now, so i feel odd goin to my room mates in the middle of the night... so i just laid in the shower for about an hour until i calmed down. i havent had an attack since then, but just havent been myself. i feel like im looking through someone elses eyes or something.. and i have trouble getting to sleep. ive got constant thoughts of death and stuff like that that running though my head to where its almost hard to concentrate in class. and that is really killing me at school. im getting my associates as an electronic systems technician, and im goin to graduate in a year. so all the work and lecture is gone by very fast. im pretty much taking 60+ hours of credits in about 13 months.... so you can imagine if im not paying attention for even 10 min ive missed a hollllllleee lot..
i actually went to see my mom yesterday to talk to her about maybe goin back to see someone. we talked for about 30 min and then i went to the bath room for a second. a few months ago when i locked my self away in my parents house having the really bad panic attacks i was in the bathroom a lot being sick, so while i was in there yesterday i dont know if it brought the thought of it all back or what, but i just broke down and started crying out of no where..... it just really bothered me to even think about it.. i actually felt a lot better after i got it all out and talked to my mom though. when i was going through it all really bed before all i wanted to do was cry, but i never could even if i tried to make myself. so i guess it may have just been a really big stressful build up from the last few months.
soooooo yeah that was kind of a big ramble if you actually took the time to read it :p. i started taking my meds again today, but i still feel really weird. just thought i would share my experience and see if anyone could give me some tips
my mom said when i was very young i hated to be in crowds, and meeting my parents friends. they always would just say i was very shy. this continued until i was about 6 or 7 i would say. i remembered being at the mall or something and just wanting nothing to do with it. i just wanted to get out and be home. once i was about 12 or 13 it was gone for the most part, but i still had pretty bad social anxiety. i wasnt completely shut off to people or anything like that, i just wasnt the first to start a conversation unless i knew you. this continued all through out school until graduated. and i got better as the years went on through out school.
my family never moved around or anything stressful like that, as well with all my close friends stayed around. actually the 3 guys i live with right now have been some of my best friends my hole life. so ive got good people in my life i can go to. but at the same time i guess that was some of the reasoning for not really branching out and getting close to other people through out high school.
i wasnt in a serious relationship until i was 18. she was one of those girls who people would have to do a double take when they saw us and say "wait shes with him?!....." so not only having someone that close in my life was helping me, but it just upped my self confidence level from like a 4 to a 200 :P. anyway we were only together for 4 months because she turned out to be kind of a whore... hints she would be with a guy like me in the first place lol. she pretty much completely crushed me after i found some stuff out that had been goin on with her.. and then i some how forgave her and we were goin to keep tying it. she left for school and we were still together at the time. then from the day she left, she stopped talking to me all together for no reason.. that was her way of breaking it off lol. i didnt see her for 3 months, and when i did we kept hooking up like nothing had ever happend, and then every time i saw her after that. anyway like i said shes not the best person, and really made my pretty depressed for about 6 months....
during all of this i was dealing with two of my good friends relationship as well. they would both come to me wining about what that other had done. the guy in the relationship was i guess what you would call my best friend (at the time..) so i kinda had to take a side.. so always being stuck in the middle of that stressed me out so much... and on top of all that he pretty much walked all over me and screwed me over more than one time...but like i said im really forgiving....
on my 20th birthday is when my panic attacks really started. first off my "best fiend^^" ditched me all day... so i sat around by myself on my birthday :/. wasnt to big a deal, i kept my self occupied. it got to be about 9pm and my ex and her best friend (who i forgot to mention was my best friends girl friend) called to wish me a happy birthday and wanted me to drive up and see them. i didnt really want to go but they told me her ex "my best friend" was driving up not invited.. so they really wanted me to come and deal with him.... some birthday wish lol. so after they begged me to come for like 20 min i still stayed home. i dont know why but dealing with all of that just stressed me out really bad and i would guess my blood pressure was sky high. so my mom gave me one of her low mg zolofts and it seemed to chill me out.
later that night my buddy called to talk about something. when he called it woke me up cuz it was about 1:30am. i guess the phone kinda startled me when i woke up or something cuz i felt really weird right away. i talked to him for a min or two and told him i wasnt feeling well and had to go. from that point on i started freaking out..... aka my first panic attack... i honestly think it was a pretty serious one too. i got so overwhelmed that i started throwing up and sweating... i jumped in a cool shower, but it didnt seem to do much. i just kept getting sick and it was really scaring me. i threw up everything in my system possible. i thought i was goin crazy. and at once point i was sittin in the shower and started having thoughts that i had cancer and i was goin to die soon. i actually pictured myself laying in the hospital saying good bye to my family... after that i think it seemed so real that i almost started to cope with the idea that i did have something. this was deffinatly the scariest thing i have ever experienced in my life. i give major props to people who have to deal with this kinda thing a lot!!!
well all that actually ended up lasting about 2 months.. i did nothing but lay in bed. i didnt want to leave my house, i guess you could call it my safe zone. i ended up looseing about 10 lbs because i didnt have an appetite at all. because of this i was in the bath room a lot sick. after awhile i really felt like i was goining crazy i started noticing things that i do like i was really ocd or something. i would watch every step i took down the hall, watch my hard as i reached for a door knob, and i felt like i was halving to physically tell myself to turn it.. i felt like i was watching my self though a camera or on tv or something, was a really weird and hard to explain. i finally got an appointment to see a psychologist i was felling a bit better by then, but just the thought of everything just scared me so much. she was quite the odd ball :p but very nice. she made me feel a lot better by making me realize how many people really go through this. she gave me 40mg of paxil and .5mg of xanex to take every day. it seemed to help for about 3 months, and then i just got sick of taking it. i just felt like i was having to rely on the stupid meds to feel sane and i didnt like the thought of it. either way ive been fine for the last 3 months off of it now...
until four days ago.... woke up with the wost panic attack ive ever had.. im also moved out of my perents house now, so i feel odd goin to my room mates in the middle of the night... so i just laid in the shower for about an hour until i calmed down. i havent had an attack since then, but just havent been myself. i feel like im looking through someone elses eyes or something.. and i have trouble getting to sleep. ive got constant thoughts of death and stuff like that that running though my head to where its almost hard to concentrate in class. and that is really killing me at school. im getting my associates as an electronic systems technician, and im goin to graduate in a year. so all the work and lecture is gone by very fast. im pretty much taking 60+ hours of credits in about 13 months.... so you can imagine if im not paying attention for even 10 min ive missed a hollllllleee lot..
i actually went to see my mom yesterday to talk to her about maybe goin back to see someone. we talked for about 30 min and then i went to the bath room for a second. a few months ago when i locked my self away in my parents house having the really bad panic attacks i was in the bathroom a lot being sick, so while i was in there yesterday i dont know if it brought the thought of it all back or what, but i just broke down and started crying out of no where..... it just really bothered me to even think about it.. i actually felt a lot better after i got it all out and talked to my mom though. when i was going through it all really bed before all i wanted to do was cry, but i never could even if i tried to make myself. so i guess it may have just been a really big stressful build up from the last few months.
soooooo yeah that was kind of a big ramble if you actually took the time to read it :p. i started taking my meds again today, but i still feel really weird. just thought i would share my experience and see if anyone could give me some tips