I Worry I Won't Find My Way Back - PLEASE HELP!!!

[salvator here]

Sorry I don't post anymore, just not doing well at all, and its getting very scary now.

I'm having times where I lose myself so badly, and so severely that its getting harder and harder to find my way back and regain my own personality traits again. I'm struggling very badly and disassociating so much that I don't even recognize myself in photos. Recently I had my photo taken (I normally refuse to have my picture taken because its too painful) and remember I was suffering at the time of the photo. When seeing me in the photo I hardly recognize myself, especially in the eyes, as I look like somebody else; I resemble the person/personality I was portraying at the time, and its getting worrisome.

Since my return from 2 hospitalizations (1 late last year, and 1 early this year), its been pretty much a circus in my head and up and down and I've been unpredictable/inconsistent to say the very least. Honestly I possibly should not have even been discharged had they been paying attention, or actually cared. Truthfully, they just let me go because I don't have good insurance and don't have the funds to pay.

I can't go back to the hospital anymore. I already have large unpaid bills and can't afford to get in any further financial trouble only to be cast aside only to wind up right back at square 1 again.

I just can't do this anymore. I hardly go out as it is and spend as little time as possible around people now.

I'm feeling pretty hopeless now and don't see any light at the end of the tunnel for myself. I've been thinking about suicide every day (several times a day actually), its starting to seem like the only answer to this mess. I've already called suicide hotlines several times and it really does no good at all. Nobody cares anyway and I get the feeling they are laughing under their breath. I can't afford to follow through with anything they suggest anyway. They have suggested day programs many times and my response it always the same.. 'is it free??'.. they shut right up on that. They only say to go to the hospital and where has that gotten me?!

I don't know what to do at this point, but its reaching the point that I tired of fighting for now reason.

I'm not getting better; only worse! I've been in and out of the hospital several times over the last 10+ years and I've never fully recovered from my breakdowns. With each one I've gotten even more out of touch with reality and I don't really want to do it anymore. I've become bitter and hateful towards the world and society and its eating me up every second I breathe. Its painful and wearing. I didn't want to become this way, but its happened.

Sometimes I feel its just too late and I don't like what I see up ahead. I don't now how to change things. I don't know what to do?! Not a clue. Just waiting hoping and praying that the time I feel somewhat normal it will last and will stick, but those times are few and far in-between.

There are so many other things I just can't go into right now (maybe another time when if I can think clearly enough), but just too much on my plate and I and getting weaker instead of stronger. What seems to work for others (and should logically work) just doesn't for me. Meds didn't work.. therapy didn't really help.. all the advice from medical professionals just didn't apply to me or what I'm going through and that only makes me feel all alone. I've actually been told this [exact words from an APRN] "we can't help some people, and some people can't be helped".

I'm sorry.. I know this makes little sense and is loaded with errors, I'm just not doing well at all and haven't even left the house in well over 2 weeks. I wish I could just say I'm feeling manic/anxiety/depression, but there is much more to the situation than that.

Again sorry.. I don't even know what I'm expecting by posting this.. but any advice is greatly appreciated.

[gypsylee]

I sent you a PM.. *hugs*

[salvator here]

Thank you for the PM and hugs, Gypsy. Sorry I didn't reply. I haven't been doing well at all. I just don't know what else to say at this point. Just out of words and out of steam. See no logical reason to even bother trying. Actually I have lots to say but there is not point and it won't do any good. Its just not that simply as anxiety and/or depression now; I'm fighting a losing battle is seems. No help, nowhere and nobody to turn. All too much on my plate with no resources in which to deal/handle everything. I feel like life has "gotten me'.

[gypsylee]

Heya Salvator, that's ok :) I've been struggling as well.

[salvator here]

I'm sorry you've also been struggling.

Let's hope we both catch a break...soon :)

[salvator here]

Just to clarify a bit on the original topic.

I feel I'm losing myself into severe depersonalization and disassociation. At times, I don't know whom I am and I have to really struggle to find my (way back to) my real identity. Sorry again, I may not be making sense again, but hopefully you get it. Weeks at a time I feel like somebody else and I realize its a (bad) coping mechanism. Sometimes I wonder (have for quite some time) if I indeed suffer from some form of DID. I think its possible, but even if I did, I'm not so sure I would want to correct it. I just wish I was able to maintain myself throughout it and have it be more of a persona, rather than a total jekyll and hyde thing (which sometimes It IS lately).

That being said, given enough time, I do manage to find myself. Its getting so severe that with each time this happens, it takes longer and longer to regain myself and my footing. At least I'm alone so I there really isn't that many people to even notice the change. The few people I do run into regularly at stores like the cashiers and clerks notice it, though. They just think I'm totally nuts so again I don't really care.

At this point, I'm actually afraid to even see a doctor about this. They would likely commit me once again because I become unpredictable and unstable. To be honest here.. the last several weeks were somewhat of a blur and I was very unstable. Some things I cant and shouldn't mention but I was in a dark place and somehow it slightly lifted a bit late last week. Still feel weak/shaky and poor balance on my feet walking. Can't concentrate or read well now. Suffering flashbacks badly and feeling just surreal overall. Haven't gone out much and being around people is bad because I appear "disturbed" and I just can't hide it now, or even disguise it enough to get by. Stuttering and nervous speaking.

Okay, that's about it for now I guess.

Maybe I'll write more later because I do have so much to say and maybe just blurting it all out could help.

....Nap time for now!

[Ponder]

Hi Sal. I hope your resting well. Was just thinking about how to reply to your interest in life after death. I can see now why your wishing to know. Life sure can be hard. I know that fringe your on very well. I got to tell ya though - and this is coming from a guy who's placed a roped around his neck more than once - suicide is just as traumatic as our living hell. It's not the answer and in many cases it ends up making life even more unbearable after the fact; regardless of a botched job or not. The fact that we get to a point that we seriously think about it destroys brain cells like multiple hard core binge session all at once. Take solace in knowing your not alone as there are quite a few of us in this forum right now not doing so well. Far be it for me to mention names, but I do read and pick up on various posts. Indeed there are a number of us struggling like so. Nevertheless your pain is your own ... that is if you have no place or way to express. Thankfully you have this forum and also a talent for writing. I know as I have read well a number of your other threads.

I've started going back to nature. It helps to quiet all the noise in my head - dulls the constant ringing in my ears and helps to reduce overall emotional pain. I'm back on a waiting list for a service called PHaMs (Personal Helpers & Mentoring Service) because like you I have been struggling to communicate and process full stop. I was really bad about 4 weeks ago and whilst I have made gains by trying to eat right, exercise, psychotherapy, journaling and vloging, among other things ... I still struggle in many social situations. For me there is an element of permanent damage, however whilst I can accept that ... I also refuse to see it as an unfortunate thing. I know that no matter how hard things get, there is always a way to rejoin the dots, rebuild the bridges, reconnect and or simply find another track.

Recharge man ... just like you finished your above post - Time for a Nap! I get so wound up that my brain refuses to sleep; even when my body has had enough. I often go on the nod in front of my telly watching my favorite episodes. That's when I should really go and lay down and take a proper nap. SLEEP is crucial to our mental health. It why I push my body the way I do, as well as feed it with real food.

I don't know what's going on in your life right now or the others ... all I can say is try to focus on breathing - Go find a tree ... even if you live in the city - find a tree and go sit or stand near it. Forget about trying to find out who you are. I can tell you living as a Lost Soul is not so bad once you ride with it. In fact is has advantages. Alas it helps to be around plants to get some kind of focus. Hold your palms face up and look at your hands. Try to feel the life force flowing through the tips of your fingers. When you say you feel faint and dizzy ... take a moment to feel the electricity ... the tingles. Rub the tips of your fingers of your left hand very gently and slowly against those your right. Look at all your fingers at the same time just before they make contact ... FEEL them make contact before they contact. Now if your still not feeling it ... blow gently into the palm of one hand and then lightly brush the soft skin of your palm with the finger tips of your other hand. I'm pretty sure if your still breathing, you'll now start to connect with one of your senses.

During this whole process ... that is to say if your successful in making contact with your body re feeling it; you should find the those racing thoughts or just dull depressive ones had momentarily taken a vacation. Echkart Tolle talks a lot about the benefits of inhabiting the body in order to take a break. Here is a 10 minute clip → Eckhart Tolle How to inhabit your body in a stressful environment (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UCY8UnPNV1g)

Srry for too much text : ( ... Just trying to help ... give you something that can help with the pain. The technique of inhabiting the body in order to take a break from negative thoughts I find quite helpful is all.

Thoughts are not so much the culprit- but sometimes it's more a case of the way we hold them.

I'm sending you the very best thoughts I currently I have. Use them sparingly - I don't have many good ones left. Just kidding.

Keep looking into the power of concessions. - for now ... just learn to inhabit your body for in that lay the power regardless of whether we know or not ... start learning to feel the unfathomable by accepting what's within. At least that's what I am telling myself.

Peace as best you can generate it.

[salvator here]

Thank you very much for your reply Ponder. I've already read it several times and its quite helpful. Each time I take something else new away from it and I appreciate it that you took the time to write such personal advice.

I may write more if needed, but for now, I will try to soak up what you've written and see if it makes a difference. There are parts of it that I was not considering and I think I should try to change my prospective and get away from traditional beliefs/teachings. For some those methods/techniques may work, just not for me so I should realize this and stop resisting it.

So many thoughts and points have been jumping around that I would like to just blurt out which explained why I've just been sitting here typing and backspacing over and over; so I'll just leave it at that for now and appreciate the insight into myself that is currently happening and avoid gibberish typing.

Thank you both for your healing energy as well.. It means more that you'll even know.

Take care and no need to reply.

EDIT:

Jeeez...had to come back and correct all those crazy typos ;)

[salvator here]

For me there is an element of permanent damage, however whilst I can accept that ... I also refuse to see it as an unfortunate thing. I know that no matter how hard things get, there is always a way to rejoin the dots, rebuild the bridges, reconnect and or simply find another track.I truly hope that one day I will learn to also see it this way for myself.

[bdsxuyenmoc]

I truly hope that one day I will learn to also see it this way for myself. lên cho anh em cần

[Ponder]

lên cho anh em cần

Translation → Here (https://translate.google.com/?text=undefined&hl=en&langpair=ja%7Cen&tbb=1&ie=undefined#vi/en/l%C3%83%C2%AAn%20cho%20anh%20em%20c%C3%A1%C2%BA%C2 %A7n).

True ... we're all siblings here. Good call. :)

[salvator here]

I sort of also feel this way. Go figure the odds of us all winding up on this forum together by chance. We're all struggling with something, yet, we always have something to say to help others even during our own troubled times. If only I had this support in real life, but I'm lucky to at least have it online.

[salvator here]

Wasn't going to.. but I am going to journal a bit. No need to reply to anything here, but should try to see if I can get in touch with whats going on and read my words the next day. Again, I feel I have gotten some good advice already and hope to give some of it a try. Need to get this out and please, don't feel the need to post anything like typical "talk him down" words. I'll be fine, trust me. I'm NOT going to do anything. Its just a dark place that hopefully I can make some sense of, maybe by my own words. I just don't know. So while to thread is titled "PLEASE HELP", I'm not asking for help or support here, just am not going to create a new thread for this one. This isn't about my social phobia.

If I was to say I am doing better I would be truly lying right now. Although I pushed it aside throughout times today, and this morning, the feelings come back in a vengeance. I've made the conscious decision to just chalk what I'm feeling up to intrusive negative thought patterns. Its a cycle that I've been unable to break lately, and although it slightly lift a bit, because the root cause(s) are not dealt with, the pattern continues and the end result is always the same. I will say this much, I am able to (almost) totally recognize the warning signs now. I can see the dangerous patter when it starts.

I will have to somehow push everything aside to shut things down and hopefully be in a better frame of mind when I wake up. I want to give this a fighting chance before I totally throw my hands up in the air. The truth is, while the medical system and traditional methods (doctors / therapy / meds) work well for some, they simply don't for me. I could easily find myself in a revolving door situation in and out of psych wards and never get any further. It has gone far beyond anxiety and depression. There is much more going on and, oh, wouldn't it be nice if a simply pill would fix everything. I would gladly take it and just be done with this affliction. Its going to have to come from within in my case. Since the only medication that helps me during times of distress are low-dose benzo's, and I am unable to get a prescription from a doctor at the clinic (they don't prescribe narcotics period), I will have to find other ways since other meds either don't work, or make my situation worse.

Sorry to just leave on that note, but its all I can do in the mental state I am in, currently. I'll be back soon to write more and hopefully be able to explain things better.

[Ponder]

Makes perfect sense to me. :)

[salvator here]

Hello Ponder and Gypsy..

Hope you both will find a way to enjoy something today.

I was going to write but stopped it short for now.

Just this..

I need to get out again regardless of how I'm feeling, and I'm willing to accept whatever occurs today and put aside any (unrealistic) expectations. The weather looks nice again so it would be a shame to not take advantage.

Take good care of yourselves and best wishes to anybody reading.

[Ponder]

That's the spirit.
Thx for the well wishes.

Weather is also good this end. :)

Be well.

[salvator here]

Going to keep this short.

After thinking about this further, I've decided to finish this thread right here and just express my deepest gratitude to everyone that ever offered support and advice to me during my time on this amazing forum. I'll always be truly grateful and privileged to have met the caring folks on here. I will be doing my best to take the advice I've received and hopefully use it to improve myself and my situation.

Thanks so much and I wish everyone success going forward in this life. The people here at anxiety forum will always be in my heart and I cherish the time I've been here.

Sincerely Yours

~S

[Kirk]

I am sorry to see you go, but I understand and hope all works out well for you.

[gypsylee]

^Same. You know where to find us! :rolleyes:

[salvator here]

Thanks you Kirk and Gypsy, I'm sorry I missed your replies, I've not been able to get on the forum as of lately due to many reasons (some of which I'll address in another new thread about much of what has occurred this year up to current)

Ponder.. Just wanted to say that I did (in fact) use much of your advice throughout the summer and it did help me.

I wish I could say I'm doing better, but would be nothing further from that truth; sadly! Just been really rough and unfortunately I wound up turning back to alcoholism and I hate myself for it and it got REALLY bad again and I was so proud I got totally sober but as you can see, it didn't last. So much more to say later about things. Been tough to get through and I'm sort of surprised I'm actually still here tell you the truth. Good news though.. I'm back on the wagon currently. Just so much to try to get off my chest and where to start ?!

I did miss it here, but things were starting to go 'off the rails' when I left, and life in fact did just that very thing. I don't know if I can pull things back together at this point as each day is just a struggle to function even at the most basic pointless level. So many intrusive and paranoid feelings/emotions and illogical thought processes and sleep is (sometimes) the only relief I can get from this whole mess I'm in. A ton of bills I can't pay. Okay, should stop there.

Anyways.. take care and I'm appreciative of the help and advice that was given in this thread.

[salvator here]

Actually, I think I"ll just go on a bit more here and not bother with another drama filled thread. I figured I'll just help others if possible and whatever. Trouble is when I really get going, I wind up making it worse and want to leave.

Basically by the end of May, I already knew where this was heading. The summer had its good and bad points. I did walk more and try to embrace nature (and you suggested, Ponder) and it was worth it. I was going severely manic as each day drew closed and finally had my breaking point and the end of June. Going to leave it at that and keep what happened private, as it serves nobody to cause triggers. By about October I was ( at least ) coming around and began to pick up the pieces. Sometimes I feel there isn't much left but I shall carry on and hope for the best. The medical system has shown me their true colors this year, by far the most. It's never become clearer that I'll just have to go-it-alone. I don't feel there is help for me. Besides (trust me - this is true) they actually just gave up on me and allowed me to go knowing full well my intentions - I even had a "Plan" - they do not care. Same shit, go to the ER and run up more bills and only to do nothing for me. It is what it is and I still do want to salvage some life for myself. Its not at all what I dreamed, my dreams and hopes are in the rear-view mirror now. It just time to let it go and see whats up ahead. I get the feeling it will be interesting, this I assume. No more 'revolving door' in and out of the hospital if I can help it. Money...yeah right. I've not go much anyway so should allow that horror to roll off the shoulders at this point. I think part of the problem is I'm trying to get my life back and this won't happen, that damage is done. I'm 44 and live with too much regret, but I can't get the 'do-over' I so seek. Got to put the past in the past somehow (not sure how).

I think that's it concerning this and I don't want to dwell on it every time I come here. I want to enjoy my time here rather than is only add to my depression.

On a side note: since this is a new page, if interested, go back a page to see the previous post and maybe it helped somewhat to get that all out :)

[salvator here]

The problem is I can't accept it. Its not going to get better. Its too late. I don't like what I see up ahead, its pretty bleak. I'm in such a dark place and I've already tried to post many times here but just keep deleting it. I see no point in even bothering to post for myself anymore. Nobody can help me. I'm far beyond help at this point. I hope to just sleep right through Christmas and News Years (I usually do if possible). I can't drink. I just can't or I won't stop this time until......... I've just had it and There just is nothing left and I feel hopeless and sick and it won't stop. Just won't!! I want to drink myself to death most days and call it quits. It is hopeless for me. I can't get hospitalized again. Same shit every time, revolving door and they couldn't give two shits about me. I've No help whatsoever. No help! No relief!! Even sleep is no relief. The nightmares and flashbacks make sleep scary. Nobody cares, I don't mean people on the here in real life. I don't care anymore sad to say. I think I just want out and want peace. The constant torment never stops. I feel so unwell both physically and mentally.

I wish I could just accept it. Maybe that would help, but I'm not sure. I don't even know how to explain what I mean by accepting it. I just don't have the words for some reason. Maybe later if I can't think clearly. My mind is a mess right now and all I can seem to think about is..............

I think I'm just venting more than anything.

I'm so severely sad and depressed.

See.. If I were to accept it (my fate), if don't think I would feel much of anything at all. Maybe I could/would just walk around in a blissful cloud with no fear or regret.

Ahhhh,,,, I need to just stop. Screw it!!

[salvator here]

More bills I can not afford :( :( :(

Can you belief it, I'm still worried about money at this point?!?! I don't have anything to take anyway!!!Nothing!!!I don't even own anything. God back to the ER,,,,,yeah right. The hotlines are completely and utterly useless.

I meant to write go back to the ER. But I am thinking about God and religion so no wonder I mistyped God.

Why even bother to edit at this point. I'm a complete basket case. I'm a wreck :(

[salvator here]

Must try to unwind. Should just turn on a cartoon or something benign.. Television is becoming such a bad trigger hell right now. Everything triggers me especially the holidays programing. Seems like nothing but politics and other propaganda that I've no business worrying about in the shape I'm in. If I head more crap about family gatherings and celebrations I'm GOING TO SNAP!!!

Just forget it for now. Tomorrows another day, I suppose. Hopefully wake up in better condition.

[salvator here]

Maybe the whole Christmas thing was alright when I was a small child and my grandparents were alive. I don't know thought, everything was pretty fake from the large food spread that usually make somebody sick and arguments never to fail. Over the years family grew apart and they did not abandon or disown me - I disowned them and wrote them off as they become a huge source of my depression and anxiety. I'll never know what its like to have this family I see on TV and people that love and care about you. I wouldn't even want that right now and the holidays only make people feel guilty and seek this out when (in some cases) some dysfunctional family units should not even attempt to (re)create this hallmark card depiction of the traditional Christmas dinner. Just my humble opinion and I mean no disrespect to anyone that finds happiness and joy from the holidays. I would never wish to take that away from other that have it. Count me out of that sort of thing though. For some reason this year is worse and I'll just keep to myself the reason why, for me anyway.

Okay, I should unplug the computer as I'm no longer thinking logically. Sorry if I offended anybody reading. Just me going on (and-on-and-on) about my pretty pathetic life.

[Ponder]

Thanks for the read! Hope this finds you feeling well enough.

I for one am glad you shared. Feels good I'm not the only one doing like so. :)

You have good awareness Sal.

[gypsylee]

I second that. Vent as much as you want, Salvator.. There’s nothing much else happening on the forum anyway.

You don’t sound like a complete basket case. I feel like that a lot, myself, even though I rationally know I’m not. Mine comes from having a really critical, perfectionistic parent, which has become my inner voice.

Anyway, it’s getting late here and I can’t write as well as I’d like to (see, perfectionism!) so bye for now :)

[Ponder]

Gypsy ... You just scored 10/10 because you are perfect just the way you are.

Sal ... I feel the same way about Xmas and society in general. That realization is a process that's as much about us as it is others. Imo your starting to see clearly. Your one of the special ones. Forgive me if sounds cliche. Out of 40 million people waiting at a London bus stop, the only one I would strike up a conversation with ... would be you.

Not that either of us would have any reason to be in London. Shudders at that very thought. :)

[salvator here]

Thanks so much guys.

Agree with ponder, Gypsy this one is for you :)

P!nk ~ Fuckin Perfect

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ocDlOD1Hw9k

Thanks Ponder, and that did make me chuckle a bit ;) Would you believe this.. I've never EVER been on a vacation. Never! I've always hoped to travel out of the country some day. Maybe one day. If I even make it out of the house and to the next city over I consider that a vacation sad to say :rolleyes:

Seriously though, I'll write more later because I want to respond better to your post about the realizations process and seeing things clearly. I'll just say this because its what is coming to mind, so I"ll just get it out now. I guess once ones "eyes" are wide open (and the rose colored glasses are removed), couldn't (shouldn't) just go back in the dark and ignore it. I don't think I could even if I wanted to. I used to very Naïve. I don't know.

Special is right though... no doubt one of a kind, that is me :evil:

Thanks again.

[gypsylee]

Awww thanks guys. Haven’t had much sleep and feeling a bit sick in the stomach at the moment so your kind words mean a lot.

[salvator here]

You're welcome. I hope things improve for you. I've also been sleep deprived and it does make life (feel) gross. A good nights sleep would do me wonders right now because I can't possibly function well enough on only 4 hours a night. Lately that's been about it because I get myself so wound up before bed every night and the nightmares make sleep everything but refreshing.

[nathalia1011]

do something go out and and be friends with good people where it can help you out of your problem .

[nathalia1011]

i hope that someday someone's gonna be there for me in good or bad days and keep moving on and chin up.

[salvator here]

Can you believe I've (supposedly) not hit rock bottom?!

All the proper records to prove both physical and mental illnesses, yet somehow, I'm ineligible for services because I'm considered "functioning". Not Hardly!!

I"ve (truly) got nothing to lose and nothing to gain.

Truth is.. if you can crawl your way out of the hospital, you're not viewed as sick enough.

[salvator here]

Maybe that answers my own question.

I don't like being viewed as sick and I like to be vied as functioning. Because of this, I find myself in this revolving door. Spent many countless years trying to prove I'm not [edit] unwell all the while thwarting my own care. Either way I lose!

[salvator here]

Life has proven, rather than count on/hope for other people to be there for good times and bad, can only truly rely upon yourself when the going gets rough. Actually, it is during those times that you get to see peoples true colors. Especially your own family. That being said.. I don't long for a family I never had to begin with so I consider that having 1 less burden on my shoulders. "friends" only took from me and never gave back in return. Don't need once sided friendship right now.

Thank you though, nathalia. When I hear "Chin UP", it reminds me that I'm doing just the opposite (walking with my head down). Should consciously change this even if faking it so to speak.

[Ponder]

I'll use that phrase from time to time, but will refrain from using it in here form this point on.

I feel the same way when it comes to trust. Sometimes though, people benifit when others show them trust. However it's a fine line once you've been bitten a few times.

[salvator here]

Thank you.

Should've really just created a new thread. May still another time. Just been rough lately I think.

Take care.