Getting Back On The Perch! - MY EXERCISE ROUTINE - Come Walk With Me. [Archive] - Page 3 - Anxiety Forum - A Home for Those with Anxiety, Fear, or Panic Attacks

Ponder

11-13-2017, 04:35 AM

Hmmm It was actually good to hear from my sister, however I am feeling a little sick since hearing about the possibility of a compensation pay out for us kids that suffered at the hands the nightmare kids home I blew the whistle on back in 2014. I'll spare myself and others from the details as all has pretty much already been said. Money is such a terrible thing! As much as it would go a long way to doing whatever with ... all the ifs and buts that are still up in the air + the reminder of that pastor from hell ... Hmmm ... Like I said ... I'm feeling sick.

Alas ... when I was asked my sister wanted my number I thought it might of been something about my step dad or mother having passed away. I would not know ... none of us have talked since my brothers death back in 2014. I tired reaching out once to bridge the gap but my mother rejected me yet again. This time I was thinking how I might talk with my sister to at least let her know I tried ... and that also the door was as open to her if she so wished. Turns out she wants to keep in touch. Regardless of what happens with the payout ... I guess I am happy for that.

Alas ... I am not sure my wife is so happy about me being back in contact with sis. My wife is even more anti religion than me. I'm willing to look past that if my sister is serious about respecting my not having any beliefs. Quite an irony given my forum trigger post. Alas, I think my sister is wise enough not to use the trigger words with me. I certainly hope so, as I myself need to be mindful when talking about Buddha and like wise trigger words on the opposite side of the fence. You might think they are the same, but when it comes to religion ... many of them are opposed more than they are in sync.

I don't know ... I do hope I will be able to have conversations once again without too many words like Blessed, God, Jesus, Hallelujah, Praying, Salvation and so on. Sigh ... But like I say ... without our own families on our own side of the fence which is yet another dynamic to this mess ... I guess there is room to attempt some kind of reconnection. Will have to come to respect. Using choice words that do not assume ... others believe as you/me.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Another Huge Day. Another late one as well.

I worry my wife is not happy about this reconnection. Guess I will just keep it quiet. I don't know. I hate keeping quiet. Not my strong point. I just wish we call all get along. Wrong World!

Ponder

11-13-2017, 01:15 PM

Got up and completed a 40 minute circuit of jogging with good effort. Unfortunately I am feeling not very well. My allotted visits by the government to see my therapist has run out; just when I need to see her the most. I hate to say it ... but I am feeling as anxious when I was when spouting all that I did around the time of my brothers death; drugging up of all that 'stuff' we kids suffered at that place.

It is extremely hard to clarify what's going on inside myself right now without souring my attempts to keep stable each day as I try. Go figure hey, just as I was getting frustrated at the amount of religious dialect senselessly bestowed in the forum of late ... then this 'stuff' of compensation re childhood abuse. Life just never eases up.

I think I best let my therapist know what's going on. Sure I am strong ... BUT ... not something I wish to deal with of late. Just feels like it's all about proving ones worth yet again. When all is said and done ... we are only left with what resides within. That's what I need to keep focusing on.

I attempt to do a flute video today. Poor little fella has to go for a blood test. He still won't even sit in a chair, let alone let others stick him with a needle. I doubt they will get blood out of him without damaging him. Both psychical and mental. It's to do with his seeming developing autistic traits and ongoing mystery fits/micro seizures. When I think about it ... all my shit is not so bad when I fathom just how society intends to force this little kid into a world of shit ... just so he can be labeled plus tow the line being thrown into the path of high risk re abusive fathers rights to that more important biological cultural position.

This world is truly fucked whilst it adheres to its insane ideals.

Alas ... what to do.
______________________

Make a list I guess.

1. Be on call to assist with the little fellas blood test.
2. Be nice to all those on the front line dealing with that.
3. Contact Therapist and update with all this new 'stuff'
4. Practice and 'Enjoy' playing my flute ... do a new vid. (Keep it light and about the flute!)
5. Maybe go for another run
6. Keep eating healthy
7. Play some Minecraft ... Not too much!!! Learn to balance - Balance it Dave!!!
8. Don't Mention this Compensation thing to wife any more!!!
9. Organize the shed for more space and supplies re charity work!!!
10. Just keep learning to play the flute !!!

Yet I smile ... hmmmmm ... I think of the king on walking dead and where he now sits. I wonder where the author intends to go with that. You'd have to be watching the walking dead series to understand that.

We shall end the all? Always about the ending I guess. The fact is ... for all the stings playing in this speech ... after the battle the king is far from smiling as he walks back into camp with only 2 with all his others fighters now dead. If the direction does not end with him smiling I think I will have to end the author of the script. ... and yet I smile :) ... It's not one full of bliss and BS happiness to which we a so sold. For me there is not time to kill ... I'm just rolling with the punches as best I can.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=waJlqAYFzkY

Just for more context:
The Walking Dead 7x13 Ending Scene Carol Asks Ezekiel to Kill Negan (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SKuHc4YWm8I)

I fight like this every day ... but how I fight is not to kill ... lest I kill myself. Without meeting the hardships each of us face - we will continue to see them grow. The way in which we meet these hardships will inevitably play into the outcomes that go on to affect others like so. So it is that I try to smile and go on living. My grandson needs me. I go on for him and if by chance I meet others like me that want to be friends ... I try to go on for them as well.

Awwwwwwwwwwwww ... lol just kidding. Alls well enough this fine day. I just hope Ezekiel can bounce back. Or like I said ... I will have to end that damn script myself. The writer can live. :)

Ponder

11-14-2017, 03:38 AM

Playing Flute for Mental Health. Having been asked how my flute playing was going I decided to piece together my resonant breathing practice into one fluid presentation. I rely heavily on alternative methods to medications such as psychotropics and antidepressants. Getting this flute has been a huge help to keep me medication free during extreme periods of anxiety and depression.I struggle with learning difficulties and extreme bouts of OCD. The flute has been the easiest instrument for me to play. It has also been the only instrument where I enjoy making up my own tunes. I can’t say enough good things about it. If you struggle with mental health issues and or cognitive deterioration … I highly recommend getting a Native American Flute.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XTI7JlJtNr4&feature=youtu.be

Ponder

11-14-2017, 01:06 PM

Had a cry yesterday at the therapists's office. Highly recommend it!

Ponder

11-15-2017, 05:01 AM

Deleted ... too toxic ... even for me.

_________________

Here is the background where for me this dramatic unraveling actually started in this forum:
Where we abused find each other on the web and begin to expose that fucking nightmare place.
WARNING Content ->Raw Emotion (http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showthread.php?24817-WARNING-Content-gt-Raw-Emotion-My-head-space-and-Check-List/page69&highlight=Warning)

Begins second last post on page of above link. Back in 2014 with my brothers death.
___________

I'm going to make a cuppa then process this some more.

Ponder

11-15-2017, 05:39 AM

Hmmmm ... Just took two Valerian root tabs which is extreme for me. I wonder if I should take four? Then listened to my flute playing above. Is any of this going to bring my brother back? NO! That puts it all into perspective for me. What about all the others that killed themselves as a result of the abuse? Believe me when I say it's been more than a few. The you get this pen pusher sending a 50 page document reasoning his proposal for his exuberant fee? It's not even so much the amount ... I was unable to express my rage as my response above again mostly guided by someone else. BUT ... seriously ... the way in which this society ... authorities speak to those it oppresses really makes me wish I was dead. Hard to explain if one not be a hard and complex case. Just saying how I am now feeling ... hard core emotions dwell deep! The essence of suicide well within ... BUT don't go calling the fucking cops as happened to me last time I was just trying to express. They tend to just push buttons and make things worse.

The later being the stigma that money is not going to make go away. And fuck this monkey mind once again with all the jealousy, resentments, judging and so on now bursting at the seems. I really should have an advocate in this mess. Not having one is just yet another exploration that leaves vulnerable people wise open. This is why people who are unable to function are in fact abused by the very system that poses how it is that one should live.

This is fucked ... it truly is ... I am fucked ... I truly am. A fucking head cased to be sure.

Hang on man ... Buck the fuck up Davy Boy!!! Be happy your getting something at all!!! ARRRRRR ... but if you where in my fucking shoes from where I now sit ... knowing what I know and having suffered as I have ... you might understand how this right now all feels like shit!!! Why I now wish I was fucking dead.

I fully intent to sign on the next reply as I don't want to be the one holding everyone up. Yet to be sure there will be those who will always be out to get more. It's not about the fucking sum... but the way in which it's all being done. I don't process like other people ... like possibly most reading this. I'm probably not making sense. I think I am to myself which only makes me all the more sadder. I was on the mend between seasonal changes ... just getting into the grove. Now I feel severely derailed.

I'm a little needy insecure man with a high pitched anxious tone that has fuck all confidence which is why I always exposing myself online because deep down I feels unloved!

What kind of fucking price do you put on that? It can't be done.
__________________________________________________ ___

Interesting assessment to be sure. Where the fuck does such a response come from? Not sure that's an ape like response. More like preconditioning resultant from an hyper-vigilant existence under the cop out phrase of an imperfect system ... PFFT!

I'll bounce back ... I know I will. Just using this space very much like I did when I snapped after my brother's death ... which again ... in a round about way led to this unraveling as it now be lay me.

Now thinking on how to finish off before hitting the sack ... if sleep is indeed possible.

Ponder

11-15-2017, 06:02 AM

Well the shed is nearly full of donations for the charity work we do. Now waiting for a call to go move it all into a house for a single mum that has nothing or any domestic violence victim and their children. Ironic really given my current situation. Fact is ... if the organizes knew the back story to my life and how I vent here on the net or even got a glimpse of my youtube channel ... they would in all likely hood be rid of me regardless of my passion, genuine intent and works I give so freely. In fact my wife worries very much about this stigma combined with my history and short circuitry. Living like that makes me very sad. Makes it hard to really shine for the person I really be. We so hold each other back in the ways we have all been taught think, feel and see.

Sigh ... not to worry. I leave shit like that to happen by change. Other than all this shit and my inner demons now stirring within ... I feel the acknowledgements I have made be enough to allow me to be transparent with myself ... despite still struggling to see. At least I made an attempt.

I now this very mintue feel a deep connection with how it was my brother felt when he tried to tell me that he would soon be dead. How to keep things in focus and go on for my others that I know need me is at times a living hell!

Breathe! ... 64 beats a minute with resonant breathing ... although a little late to be playing that flute.

I take one more Valerian ... with a bit of luck I will be able to run in the morning.

Night Night. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleep.gif

Ponder

11-15-2017, 06:24 AM

Yea ... just going over that thread once more and from page 80 on ... it relly does open up a can of worms. No wonder I am not doing well. You know that pastor actually had a web site that is now closed like all the others associated with this mess where he talks about his uni degree outline behavioral methods used on young boys. How to make them comply and submit ... kind of thing. It really was an insight of sorts considering the abuse he inflicted on not just us boys but the girls as well. To think he was awarded some bullshit honorary medal of the highest degree that is still today not been overturned.

Here they wish to give compensation YET allow this award to still be valid. Is how his family want to remember him. I reckon given this admission of guilt re the BS money ... there should be a case with overturning said medal.

We at least got the pedophile from the primary school sacked as he was actually in a position of power within the court system. That was a fucking outrage when my wife and I discovered that. They did not hesitate to remove him when we brought his history to attention. Poor little bro attended the same school where he worked ... the mind boggles!

Alas ... no one wants to really know the truth. Just throw a $$$ into the mix. She'll be fucking right. Home and hose ... problem fixed! Pffft

OK logging off ... might actually see how long I can stay away as well. No doubt shamed myself to some degree ... but does that really need be? My therapist may reason this shit I am going through now is quite valid ... for me to be feeling as I do. I'm not into burring this kind of thing. If I did that when sleeping in the gutter back in 87 ... I would for sure of killed myself then. Hardened and tempered I be ... but this is why I hate the term being called tough.

Hmmmm ... Alas ... there has to be more than just simply living ... or learning to live with it. Context is everything I guess.

3 2 1 ...

At least we got a yes for gay marriage. That's a good win in my book! Perhaps there is hope after all.

Seriously Dave ... Log Off!!!

Ponder

11-15-2017, 01:14 PM

This morning I came close to almost making an appointment to start taking meds once again ... almost! Instead I am right now coppying over a playlist as have decided to start doing 10K runs again. Straight out my door, over the pavement and up the hills; although will use what grass is available when the route permits. In additional to that I will just do push-ups till I drop when feeling like heading into the shed looking for a rope. Is the best solution for now. Also just keep dumping in here ... although trying my best to avoid that. Truth is ... I am still feeling like shit ... although hazy after taking those Valerian last night. I will mostly have some pickups today at any rate so that might help to keep things off my mind. It really is like day one of my brothers death all over again. Sigh.

Somehow I will get through this ... just like I did before. I might actually go pop back into the mental health facility I have been avoiding of late. At least I can get some free one to ones down there ... although sometimes it may be best to avoid doing so as not sure if the focus will do me good? Just like now one might reason ... although my songs have finally copied over and now I head out the door.

Minecraft today for sure. World of Tanks I think too much right now. OCD laying of bricks will tide me over for sure!

Sigh ... time to put myself through the paces.

Ponder

11-15-2017, 01:18 PM

... AND YET I SMILE ... BUT ... now feel like Ezekiel walking back into camp without his tiger as depicted on last episode of walking dead.

martin05

11-15-2017, 07:14 PM

Hi Ponder. Sorry all of this has been dragged up again. I hope you're able to reach equilibrium some time soon.

Is your spiritual practice of any use at the moment? You mention Tolle a lot is this thread, and having casually read the books a few years ago, I remember him talking a lot about letting go of the attachment to the past and judgement of things, which he says comes from the ego. Also talks about letting thoughts and emotions come and go. Easier said than done though, I know.

Ponder

11-16-2017, 03:00 AM

Thanks Martin ... my tanks is empty tonight. I made some alterations to previous posts and going to rest for a whiles.

Appreciate you reaching out. TY.

Ponder

11-17-2017, 03:10 PM

You’ve got good balance Martin. I’ve noticed that between your light hearted, fun, and encouraging posts. That said your welcome to share ‘any’ of your less than favourable experiences with me.

Yea … I’ve well and truly been knocked off the rails since having contact with my sister and the dynamics surrounding that. I indeed know very well the points you raise with Echkart Tolle and thankful that you have brought them up. Fact is for all I know ... or think I know, which really for all the talking I have done; is really next to nothing. BUT ... I do know that I have to allow myself to experience what comes and that's pretty much what I do regardless of how off putting that may be for others. Especially myself!

What Echkart says on the surface comes with a LOT of insight that can only be obtained through personal experience and not through the reading of words. The connection we make with said text is only as good as our ability to learn from all that we have endured. I think endure is a good word as that can also include all the positive experiences as well [nothing like that crap this is streamed on radio, tv, daily home pages and all that jazz] ... the way in which we weigh both the suffering and desire to move on seems to be key in all of that for me. That 'Way' being the Rock Bottom that Echkart talks about in his book The Power of Now. More so how it is in fact a prerequisite in order to grow. That being an obscure context but works for me.

I'm still riding with the pain that's surfaced most recently. I need to let it takes it course before I can let that experience go. I hit out in here as I do. Places like this allow us to (grow if we can bare to endure) do so. Or at least I have been permitted to do so in this forum at least. [B]Note* This aspect I note has been praised by varioius forum members quoting in their own way the various benefits that come from the self moderation that takes place here on AF. I do hope this dynamic remains for sometime yet. Other Mental Health Forum online are quick to shut down people who personally express or even worse ... they change their words and then resubmit. Doing so damages the most vulnerable of us all. I would reason that in the end it protects no one but more enables. Again ... not black and white. A topic for another time. Pros and Cons on both sides.

Hmmm - There is more pain to come for me yet with this whole compensation for abuse back in my past and the alleged damage it has done. (Past, Present and Future dialogue more than any kind of proposed closure ... the compensation process by legal standards encourages it actually and often winds up with more people doing themselves in. Food for thought is all ... another grey area.) I always said how I hated how people were crying out for the money with the Royal Commission and also the way the Royal Commission was just a smoke screen to undesirable/embarrassing exposure - acting like a puppets for the elites ... yet I fell in line/succumbed to the systems carrot waving and actually directed all of those who made contact with me (to the commission) resultant from my expression of pain re my other thread in this here forum. I'm still oozing out my own conflicting BS as I continue living. This is to be sure. My only thing is that I am always doing it live for everyone to see. ... I smile slightly because for all the vulnerability and form of insecurities others may peg to that ... it's actually helped me (and others) more than for all the damage it's done. It's who I be. Transparent ... regardless if detriment as I've just said. That said ... I do still hold a lot in ... it's just that I don't seem to do well holding back ... when perhaps many times I should. Yet another balance thing I am working on in order to be more socially apt. Maybe part of my new DX regarding Adult ASD ... but then that in itself can be an identification trap ... re - Echkart ... but not so black and white as this world for all it's faults does require a kind of categorization in order for those less apt to receive the basics in order to breathe. Sigh ... again ... less is more to let go of all that!

The latter now helping me to deal with this Compensation Trap. At least helping me to better process the pain ... as to your well timed reply and better yet ... the direction in which it has helped me focus. Again ... you got good tact Martin. :)

Others will cling to the pain in order to make some kind of appeal so that they can get more. That's exactly what echkart says that drives and creates more pain. It's also exactly how our system operates ... generating more pain as it continues passing the buck.

The system wants to pay me and others off, while my grandson is being authorized to have visits with a father the courts know has previously beaten him and his other kids ... no doubt due to the fathers own inability to handle the residual pain that Echkart often reiterates from book to book. It's a cycle to be sure. I am deeply connected to it at the core. I have worked hard to break the tendrils but am still super sensitive to the potential of both negative and positive states of energy. Sadly due to the long term effect of negative influences in my life outside of my control '&' of course those unconscious choices I have made and still continue making today ... the effort required in order for me to keep on track or not be sucked into a black whole is quite extreme. ... but that is OK ... I seem to inherently understand the process enough to keep myself getting back up and know that my purpose is to endure ... to help those still close to me and perhaps even those like yourself who are kind, generous and interested enough to read or just know a little about me.

I get on with me day and let some of that sink in for myself as I take in your kind words re equilibrium.

Thanks again.

Ponder

11-17-2017, 05:49 PM

Hope this finds you well sis. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/hug/hug-from-behind.gif

martin05

11-17-2017, 09:05 PM

I appreciate you taking the time to write all that up! You didn't have to, but it was cool of you to share your thoughts.

Hope the day treats you well, although I'm never too sure what part of it you guys are experiencing all the way down there, lol.

Will try and write something a little more substantial when I've got more time.

Ponder

11-18-2017, 02:11 AM

That's what this space is all about. Sharing our thoughts.

Down here is as upright your end there, or as upside down on both end of the spectrum. :)

Is cool Martin ... just cruise at your own speed. Let the text flow as short or as long as you feel. I'm good with whatever.

Ponder

11-19-2017, 01:17 AM

Part of what I did today:
____________________________

As someone who struggles with dyslexia and various other cognitive issues, I thought I would design my own interactive tab. I'm curious as to what others think of what I have come up with so far. I started watching people on YouTube and not being able to find tab for some of the exercises, I decided to write down my own tab from watching the player.

I have only done this once thus far. I downloaded the video and then cut the piece into sections. I then watched and mirrored the performer using pause and frame by frame button when I needed. Once transcribed I then practiced more by repeating the sections with the video cuts on playback. I then finally decided to work out how to make an animated object follow the tab using video editing software.

I'm really stoked with the results. Yes ... the process is quite laborious ... BUT ... I have to say by the end of it all I can pretty much play the music I am learning back to front. I'm always seeing a lot of comments on YouTube ... "Where is the Tab?"

I'm curious if anyone can else can follow the layout of Interactive Tab I just made up?

Is it simple enough for others like myself with various cognitive issues? Perhaps I am the only one that struggles learning music?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fvTdAenHInY&feature=youtu.be

Ponder

11-19-2017, 04:27 PM

The Saga continues ... I'm throwing it all out there because it's how I dealt with it before and how I still wish to deal with it. Sigh ... Is good to see my imperfections and BS side as well. Someone about to knock at the door ... yesterdays coffee still has me spinning:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZbXyRMjF4lw&feature=youtu.be

Ponder

11-20-2017, 01:52 AM

More exercise out of the way. Big trip away tomorrow. More hospital visits for my wife. Will catch up with my Son again. That will be nice. Keeping to eating clean has been hard but something that I am still focusing on. Have upped my hygiene routine as now is a time where it would be very easy to slip. Exercise was enough to tired me out tonight ... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz although a little late in the day.

Here's to a good night of rest:
https://image.ibb.co/mcfVF6/night.gif

Ponder

11-20-2017, 04:20 AM

Just before heading off to bed, I knocked over a glass of water onto my laptop!!! Grrrrrr I stupidly placed a glass of water between my mouse hand and my keyboard. Is a major Danger Zone and I should of known better. Guess all the stress of late is making my complacent in other areas. Thankfully it was clean filtered water. Anything like a sugary drink would of been a LOT worse. That said, I was unable to power down and my screen blacked out. I was instantly like WTF and ended the phone call I was on whilst up ending my laptop so the water would drip back out the keyboard. TOO LATE!!!

I actually got water in the SATA HHD (Secondary Hard Drive) ... when unplugging the hdd there was actually water in the hdd connector which is a worry. Water behind the battery and pretty much seeping through the whole motherboard. Grrrrrrrrr

Thankfully I knew how to dissemble and loosen various other parts. Screws all accounted for and labeled with parts put away. Using the food dryer to dry over night. Gingerly so!

Fuck it ... I only bought the thing a few months ago. ... As stated going away for a few days so will switch off food dryer in the morning and fix when I get back ... although I will be stressing until I get back now! Best high end gaming laptop I have ever owned ... Only high end gaming laptop I have ever owned. Grrrrrrr. I am confident it will ... fuck it I will pack my bag tonight and put laptop back together in the morning. Food dryer seems to be doing a good job and I also did with disassembly and angling the unit for optimal air flow and bla bla bla ... if It don't work by morning after the treatment I have given it ... then I am well and truly FUCKED!!!

Alas that food dryer has fixed a few phones ... a friends DJI Phantom drone ... SO lets fucking hope it can fix my laptop.

All Hail the Excalibur Food Dryer. : )

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4526/24666889898_e4fb661a9f_o.jpg

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4569/24666888728_5352222d3f_o.jpg

It might not look like much below ... but any water like that is a major issue. Thankfully I knew what to do and acted immediately. Note the amount of water around the HDD bay below ... the hdd itself took in water and the connector output as too the receiver was soaked. ... which is why I am drying the HDD in 1st pick up above. SIGH .....

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4531/38539198841_c226aaf1b7_o.jpg

OK ... I think I can pack my bag and sleep now.

Here's hoping for a good result in the morning. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/nervous/nervous.gif

sm3392

11-20-2017, 07:10 AM

I find walking helps me

Ponder

11-20-2017, 02:42 PM

Hey there sm3392. :) ... I was almost bouncing off the walls myself this morning. Thx for the upload man. I will download later.

I've been a flat out this morning getting ready to go away for a bit.

Morning After for my Wet Laptop!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o11AtyPnQHo&feature=youtu.be

Ponder

11-21-2017, 01:49 PM

Whilst in the Big Smoke having wife checked out re a medical condition we caught up with my Son & Daughter:

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4579/38511487466_57d9197bb0_c.jpg (https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4579/38511487466_4dd930f1e3_o.jpg)

Considering how mental unstable I have been feeling of late, I got to say that picture reflects the benefit of keeping up good relations. Good news is this young couple intend to get married pretty soon. My eldest daughter also planning a wedding as well. Thankfully they will be small gatherings.

Still in the city and feeling very worn out! It was a long trip whilst stressing over the legal garbage and also my wife suffering as well. Going to see my son thins morning before heading off. I also want to wait till daughter is finished work before leaving, if not just to have a quick cuppa and say goodbye. I have been afforded such courtesy in my past and found it to be very respectful. We see how we feel waiting that out. I do prefer to head out early but she is a good girl. I like her very much. My son is a lucky man.
__________________________________________________ ___

On other fronts. I'm scared to really let express how I am feeling of late. I have been holding back heaps re how I truly feel with this whole compensation BS and the way in which it's being done. The advocate I have had a few conversations with came out with the phrase 'secondary abuse' and my spin on that is it's probably not considered abuse as the system is hung up on sexual abuse and proof. The latter two are really fucking me up something chronic and why it is I might do well to start hitting out the text like back in 2014. Believe me when I say screw the money. It won't bring back any dead brain cells which is what's now taking place as I now once again find myself back in yet another perverted experience.

The thing about the justice system and those screaming out for the carrot ... is the stereotyping and stigma that both create and feed. I ended up once again contacting the accounted and basically telling him what I thought about the money, that he was not looking out for us kids. That I would no longer be talking with him. He can talk to the people who are no advocating with me. He apparently does not even know what he is doing and I have been advised not to sign. So that's pretty much that kettle of fish. Essentially I am now prepping my mind not to receive anything, BUT, to highlight this whole facade for the secondary abuse it brings.

I'll try to leave it at that. Truth is despite that pic and the image it reflects, I have at the same time been thinking about jumping out this high rise in which I'm currently sitting. As soon as I open the window that noise is the first thing that hits me. In fact I have been extremely sensitive to noise of late. We had to move tables last night because of the speakers above our head. Sigh ... It's next to impossible to find anywhere in the city that has a quiet place ... not unless you go back your residence and close the place up and switch everything off bar the air conditioner.

hmmmm ... enough dribbling. On with the day. I'll make some kind of sense out of all this other crap soon enough. I try to take this toxic process and turn it into something good. Maybe I now have some closure after all where I can now have a shot at writing that book!

Adios ... until next post.

Ponder

11-22-2017, 03:19 PM

Insanity! Going Insane. Anxiety and Depression hey? My wife wants to now leave me. I'll show you why soon enough. Woke up today unable to process point blank.

Ponder

11-22-2017, 06:08 PM

User Removed ...

... Court Case in Process.

Dahila

11-22-2017, 07:13 PM

Hi D. I am so sorry you have down time, Yeah it will never leave as to be. Will watch the video when have time. I am checking on you my friend, I do not forget you ;)

Ponder

11-22-2017, 11:23 PM

I think you be one of the very few that understands what I am going through D. I think fitting note to end on. Time to take one of my walks.

This forum 'attachment' also needs to come to an end as well.

Catch you in FB.

Thx D

Ponder

11-23-2017, 01:24 PM

I think that bombshell will suffice as my parting gift when it comes to letting go on all fronts. Recovery mode for such a level of regression ... as all ready touched on in here over the years will be retouched and then some -

somewhere else.

https://hardcorecases.blogspot.com.au/

Adios
~ Ponder

gypsylee

11-24-2017, 03:59 PM

Aww Ponder come back! I enjoyed your blog post on the other site :)

Ponder

11-25-2017, 05:01 AM

I just wish I had something upbeat to say. Truth is I just not long got off the phone yelling abuse at 000 because they cautioned me for calling the emergency line. I was suppose to call police link as the police station here is closed most of the time ... especially at night. Anyways some inconsiderate fuck is playing his music like his living in a pub. After a couple of hours like so I thought it might be nice to go to fucking bed with a little peace instead of woof woof reverberating off my windows. I eventually called the police link number and mellow dramatically matched their tone like knowing from previous calls that such is usually a waste of fucking time. Now the dick is choosing music that reverberates even more. SIGH. Not to worry ... other than my fit on 000 they'll be wondering who the fucked call. I smile to think of that at least.

It really is all bad timing for me. I finally got legal advice regarding the recent bombshell that's brought about a case of PTSD. My Psychologist is on holidays + my visits all used up. I do have other supports though ... so thankful for that. I ended up back on the mentor program that has worked really well for before.

Thank fuck the music has finally stopped. I'll try not to hold my breath. Is good you open the door for me to use this space. I really was losing it like I did in my recent vid. I'm going nuts gypsy ... I'm worried about how drained I am. I have no ill feeling towards my wife yet the stress winds it so that we are both reacting more than anything else. She is even more tired than I. On top of that it's hard to see the confusion in our grandsons face when returning from court appointed visitations yadda yadda. SIGH

No worries I will not gas light any more than that. You know it would actually be nice if this whole compensation thing did not feel so sordid and guilt ridden. To actually have something to look forward too. I'm not the only one losing it through the process. I guess it's totally normal to feel the way I do.

ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ... I tired using ear plugs but they don't seem to be as effective with loud music as they are with traffic noise. Then again I was only using very cheap ones. Like $2 kind of thing. I just remembered I have big ear muffs I used to ware when mowing lawns. Somehow I still don't think they would be much good up against loud stereos and woofers. I'll have to research on how to combat that. Ringing the police is a huge trigger for me. Many things are hardwired like that for me.

I think I am about ready to sleep.

I'll try not to rush back because I really should start exercising some restraint. Thanks all the same for helping to leave the door open in my time of need. :) ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Ponder

11-25-2017, 12:42 PM

Be kind to myself. I wonder if I should eat my own liver. Lmao ... Just kidding Barong. Re the Prometheus Poem.

Is all good. I go do some push ups and glow like a devine light. Foster some hope for today's round table discussion via messenger - on how to fill out some complex forms.

Ponder

11-25-2017, 02:20 PM

Just before walking out my door I had a thought. I'll just use my new blog to do my daily solitary commentary as I do. My wife tells me all the time how I am different ... not normal.

I won't go away Gypsy ... but will just try and practice being like normal ... like practice socializing as you guys do?

How's that sound?

Anything is worth a try right? I mean come on ... you guys must think I am seriously nuts ... right?

lol ... that's asking for it hey.

Anyways ... I best go say hi to the sun before she gets way to bright.

Peace as best you guys can find it. I think I have enough of a plan to bounce back. Tummy is feeling light but not overly hurting. Expression seems to always work for me. One way of the other.

FTW and all our advice. No offense of course. PINK knows what I mean ... this I am sure. :)

gypsylee

11-25-2017, 02:24 PM

Well this time last week I was in hospital after rolling my car. I don’t recommend doing that but it puts some perspective on things. Hospital is the WORST too.

martin05

11-26-2017, 05:08 AM

Good to see you back mate. You're the life and soul of this forum now!

Dahila

11-26-2017, 05:21 PM

I am not posting, I am not posting, Gypsy be careful please, you would break my heart if you have another accident ;) bye peeps

gypsylee

11-26-2017, 10:23 PM

Oh I will Dahila!

Ponder

11-26-2017, 11:14 PM

LOL D :) I know I know :)

At least I have made consecutive posts in my blog so far. I intend to pick up the vibes soon enough.

I had a better day today. Went back to group in an outdoor setting. Took a photo out on a fire trail. Will post in blog later on.

D ... would you like me to turn comments back on in my blog? I can do if you would like? I guess I can just delete those I feel are of the telling me what to do kind. Would be good to hear from you like so once more. I just don't use FB much at all and trying to easy up with my own tellings in here. If that makes sense. I kind of hinted at that in one of my last posts in mt blog.

GYPSY - I hear ya on your cont post entry re your own blog. Mail order brides is not something that gels with me. I know there is a lot to your story that is not told, but I just wanted to say that with my Biological Father it was not such a great thing for mine and his relationship. Sadly it affected ties with all his kids. He is passed now ... I know a lot of guys that have gone down that road and I'm yet to see much good come out of those arranged marriages. That's not to say it can not happen ... but yea ... it seems open to a lot of abuse and suffering all round.

Question Gypsy ... you find it better to have comments switched off?

I am off for a Jog.

:)

gypsylee

11-27-2017, 11:36 AM

Noone comments as far as I know lol, so it hasn’t been an issue :)

Dahila

11-27-2017, 12:11 PM

D. do nothing for me, but maybe some good people could give you some insights, Tons of people go through similar struggle. The blog without comments is kind of dead, I would (if I was you) comments section but before published they must be moderated, so you would have to read it and let it on or off .........just thinking
I really like the clean look of that blog, no distraction :)

martin05

11-27-2017, 02:15 PM

I didn't know your blog even took comments, Gyps. I'm going to leave one now.

Ponder: You could re-open comments and specify what kind of comments are acceptable. The rest will be deleted. The message should get through pretty quickly.

Ponder

11-27-2017, 02:16 PM

Gypsy - I don't think you have comments enabled? ... OR ... I at least am unable to see where to comment is all. Do you know if you have comments enabled?

D. Your right. A lot of people have and or are going through similar struggles. TY for pointing that out. : ) The well meaning comment the said "Surely other people's actions do not affect your suffering ... " despite ongoing context imo is detrimental for those experiencing PTS which is why I ended up being unable to process that persons attempt to share their insights as they saw fit; and ultimately reason why I turn off the ability for comments.

THAT SAID - Your mention of Moderating Comments I like! I know it's hard for good friends such as yourself to come to AF and comment due to the triggers within this forum. On that note I am hugely grateful for your help.

Due to this fact and how important it is to me that I have an open door for the likes of yourself ... Especially yourself : ) ... I will after a few more posts enable comments with the option for me to moderate. Right now I am not ready to deal with those who don't really know me ... not just yet. Perhaps after a few more posts.

Great Idea D ... I fully intent to re enable comments with moderation in due time. So please ... at least while I am continuing my blog which I fully intent ... do pop in when you have time and strength. I would love to start hearing about your own struggles as well ... or ... by some miracle perhaps you no longer have any at all. hehehe ... Savours such a thought ... if only we could all be so lucky ... to find such a state of being in this oh so wonderful world. arrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I do hope is the case for all or at least a point, no matter how fleeting, that we experience more often than not; at least experienced at some point being better than nothing at all.

Righto ... off to blog some crucial thoughts.

Psychosocialization Yesterday: Something I was in great need of. Glad I went.

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4586/37968404224_64dc60ab8e_o.jpg

Where I sometimes sleep ... I am overdue for a nap! :)

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4526/26910321039_55b313bf2b_o.jpg

Ponder

11-27-2017, 04:48 PM

I'll use this space to brain storm as I draw from my Whistle Blowing Thread before further documenting the facts. INTERESTING FIND:

" ... - the final bloke/Step Dad from the arranged marriage via the church - was also set up as a resident Psychiatrist! The places they sent us to and fro where just as interesting too." (http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showthread.php?24817-WARNING-Content-gt-Raw-Emotion-My-head-space-and-Check-List/page73) ← 6th post down from top of this link.

I ponder to think about this guys responsibility to inform of the abuse we kids no doubt would of 'inadvertently' expressed when they came to visit? Being a Psychiatrist an all. A so called Professional to which many in here are so quick to refer when they themselves are grasping at straws. Trust me ... being a certified professional entrusted with the welfare of others and having a duty of care means little when it comes to personal gain.

I have often spoken out against so called professionals and whilst one could reason bias on my part, I know well what I talk about as someone who's live decades many sides of the fence. This really is interesting stuff reading back like so. Just though this was quite a revelation in the context that this Psychiatrist/DR did nothing to assist exposing the nature of our reaching out when we did. Did We? ... and now the system wants to upon one who knows nothing of the real me to make a judgement call.

Yet another topic to be pondered. My mother admits to approaching various people about suspected abuse ... so my step father the DR must of been privy to said accusations yet nothing happened. At any rate ... the themselves kept sending us off into other homes. Secondary Abuse at best, Primary Abusers at worst.

Is what it is, was what it was ... Don't think for a moment because someone is certified whatever that they have your best interest at heart. Hmmmmm ... I think point and case.

martin05

11-27-2017, 05:50 PM

The well meaning comment the said "Surely other people's actions do not affect your suffering ... "

A very Buddhist idea. The smug Buddhist seems to be becoming a Western phenomenon. I can't seem to browse the net or watch the TV anymore without seeing a Buddhist somewhere claiming the big guy 2,500 years ago had the answer to everything.

Hey, I'm no Buddhist though, so maybe he did.

Do you still meditate, btw?

Dahila

11-27-2017, 07:14 PM

D. Every day is a struggle, however I am only good when I stay in workshop focusing on my products, this is the only time when I do not struggle. I struggle to say good morning to my partner, i struggle to keep going from early morning to the bed time, that sometimes is this hateful time when I am tossing for hours. That's ok I have less time left on this plane, Each day takes me closer to the blissful end ; I hope.
You know that i take clonazepam, can not survive without it , I do not like it, but well at least I have some kind of life. I do not think I will overcome my childhood trauma, no way, nothing works ..........it is going to stay .
D. you look for a little of peace, it is unreal not in the world we live.... eh I wish I could be more optimistic, You see what this Forum does to me :)

Ponder

11-28-2017, 12:32 AM

LOL Martin ... What can I say ... I agree. :) Typical of those preaching who have no personal experiences to share or have none of the historical facts to which they refer. Equates to Mental Masturbation I guess.

Yea, I still meditate - believe it or not. :) I just see differently to your average westernized well being snobs. Sigh ... must be getting tired ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Dahila sums things up nicely. I much prefer honesty over positivity D ... so no worries there.

Yes I understand my abstinence from medication is not appropriate for others. Yes trauma for many of us is very much about learning to live and accept what has passed. That level of acceptance being what makes or breaks us. Whatever ... because I really am just dribbling shit ... this I know. I am and I am not ... what the fuck ever.

I often get back from a morning run and or a jog struggling to say good morning to Lisa. I know she struggles just as much. We all be burned out logs in one way of another struggling to keep up some form of glow. Please do keep in touch Dahila - I too would like to have life long friends ... especially those who are nearing the end of time!!! They tend to see through a lot of the BS and touch on things that really matter - that is when we are not being so cynical. lol - You can't have one without the other and in fact I don't like people who ignore those that struggle. WTF is with my constant poetry like literation? I hope the fuck I don't come back as a rapper ... in fact I hope I don't fucking come back at all!

I thought fuck it today myself ... and bought my grandson a treat knowing he would not finished it off - so when he asked me to put it away (in the glove box of all places - No IN THE GLOVE BOX!!! Must Must put it in the glove box!!! lol I love him to bits!) after eating the top - yours truly did a magic trick and made it disappear. Thankfully I did not make as much a mess as he. One thing is for sure ... we both enjoyed having a treat!

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4566/38635051706_7a823d6016_c.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/21S3JR9)

martin05

11-28-2017, 01:19 AM

What kind of meditation do you do? I've tried breathing meditation, but it's always triggered my OCD.

And that's a great pic by the way. One you'll treasure for a damn long time, trust me. :)

Dahila

11-28-2017, 05:47 AM

yeah, D, you know that I do not lie, I have the comfort of telling the true, I wish I could live without meds, I had tried, The biggest problem is my insomnia ......With the smallest does of clonazepam I do not feel like zombie, Do not feel it at all. I think maybe it is a safety blanket for me? I am getting panic attacks from time to time, but less than one year ago. Still can not take a nap, ever. I am getting up early and have busy day so maybe this is the way to deal with it. I try to keep busy all day. Distraction works great for me, I am still meditating, probably will meditate on my death door too ;)
The small one is so cute :)
We love them do we not D?
Martin, meditation is not thing you need to struggle, Breathing meditation is (in my opinion) kind of difficult, I tried then I went to mantra meditation, then after some time I started to follow my breath, It is easy you focus on the air and go with it in and out, in and out. There is a lot of ways to meditate and everyone must find one. I meditate when in garden (now is kind of cold) completely focused on the sounds and the air..........There is thousands ways of meditating. You meditate while walking
I think your problem is; trying to have some kind of definition. You do not need it, go with the flow, let the energy go through you do not judge, do not think

Ponder

11-28-2017, 03:26 PM

I meditate for my OCD Martin. :)

It's so good to be reading others for a change! TY ... Thank you Dahila as well for persisting in here. Means a huge deal to me.

Have an EFT session to attend this morning and have to ride my bike as my older daughter has my car today. I don't mind though. I like my bike. :)

I think more on replying to mediation myself later on.

Don't let me stop you guys though ... has been a good read. TY

martin05

11-28-2017, 11:55 PM

Thanks Dahila.

The meditation part itself is actually pretty easy. The problem is I usually find I'm locked on my breath for the rest of the day, unable to move my focus on to other areas for extended periods of time. I had a similar problem as a kid. I remember being at school and focusing non-stop on swallowing.

I should probably look into some kind of cognitive treatment for it, but it only really comes on now when I'm very self-aware or get overly stressed.

I like the idea of a walking meditation though. Especially now it's fall and there's so much to be mindful of.

salvator here

11-29-2017, 08:05 AM

Hi Ponder..

Sorry I've not been on the forum as of late, and I'm truly sorry to read things haven't been going to well for you lately, I hope somehow things improve for you.

Take care :)

Ponder

11-29-2017, 05:00 PM

Hi Salvator! It's great to see you back again. Thanks for the words of support much appreciated. Hope your doing OK as well? I am pleased to report I am being more optimistic as letters of support come in for me.

I just made a blog post something to that effect ... blog location can be found in my sig.

Walking Meditation is awesome Martin ... although I don't necessarily do it as often prescribed. The EFT session I want to yesterday was awesome!!! I wish I had time to write about. I actually find myself having run off again. More letters I have to pick up to qunatify who I be. yadda yadda ... re my blog post.

Compulsive traits hey or compulsive thinking hey? Tick tick tick tick ... :) I really would do will to chime in when I get back. Try not to think of meditation in the expected way. I meditate in a split seconds. I seem to meditate between the intervals of non stop compulsive actions. Between each flick of a button or between each revolution of an fidget spinner! Like finding or appreciating the moments peace that one can find between each step when out for a walk. You nailed it also with your appreciation for time of year and said environment ... more so your connection with such thoughts. That's where it's at ... a far cry from one's usual perspective of cross legged inhalation. :)

We live in a world of BS images where the need to create our own in more the ticket.

Catch up later guys.

Ponder

11-30-2017, 05:44 AM

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Big day working on comp claim. Half of that is on my blog.

Managing to hold it together. Nearly done. Hopefully the documents and all the attachments will be in the mail tomorrow. Some how I think it will be a few weeks before I settle.

I've been very lucky but also I have myself to thank for all the effort I have put into my recover as such I have been able to receive a LOT of help. I ended up with quite a lot of letters of support.

I am really looking forward to my next EDT session and actually will attempt two of my own practice ones before my next appointment.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Over and out. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleeping-on-a-desk-smiley-emoticon.gif

Ponder

11-30-2017, 02:42 PM

I found the damning Newspaper article online. They can't easily remove that one: → Here (http://trove.nla.gov.au/newspaper/article/107062827?searchTerm=Pastor%20Frank%20Fullwood&searchLimits=)

Having been encouraged → Here (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZbXyRMjF4lw) and supported by a good influential friend ... I have decided to pick the gauntlet back up and have this fucking child abuser's Order of Australia Removed!

I might look and sound like a fucking nut (no debate there) ... but this story is begging to be told. Especially now these fuckers are drawing a wage from it with monthly withdrawals (from the so called child funds PFFT) whilst we are all meant to idly sit by. The way this accountant and the process of retraumatization... well, FUCK THEM! I still can't get the system and vultures out of my head. Takes a big breath.

Now if I can just find the archive of 'that' molesters glorified website!!!

Having now combined the above archived website, newspaper clipping and have what looks more like a court affidavit and story book - why the fuck not go the extra mile. I intent to highlight this process going on right now in said story and add it to the long list of FUCKING SUICIDES! You here that you fucking CUNTS!

Keep fucking reading ... like I say ... Fucking Vultures!!!

Ponder

11-30-2017, 03:00 PM

Quantify this you Fucking Vultures!!!

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4581/38035179584_98c80fbe18_o.jpg

Goes in the post this morning!!! Thank fuck for that.

...Righto On with my Day

Ponder

11-30-2017, 11:17 PM

Excellent meditation session today :)

Ponder

12-01-2017, 03:26 AM

OK that's enough bitching for now. If there is one strength I am known for, that is getting back up and moving towards healing. This pressure I am under is not going to go away anytime soon, but I'm also well regarded for the wide array of copping strategies I can call upon when in great need of keeping myself from going off the rails or slipping into a deep black hole. Meditation ranks high on that list for finding both find space where none exists as well as helping to ease extreme stress head aches.

Thanks to my mentor I am now getting into EFT more seriously. I gave it a go before but had too much on my plate. When I do something I like to do it properly or not at all. I like the guy so though it only fair to contact him and let him know pretty much what I am saying now and that perhaps in due time I will return and give it a good go then. Hence to say my most recent break down which is still reverberating and most likely will until the damn compensation claim is done and dusted. So He offered up EFT which is now the perfect time. The sessions I am doing with my mentor are quite long ones. I've got some serious shit to work through. Anyways ... other than working through the sessions with a qualified practitioner, the best thing about this practice is just like with meditation ... the client can become their own teacher. Like MOST alternative therapies, they are only as effective as the willingness of the one whom practicing. Acceptance being the first key word in like wise practices. This is where one goes beyond just reading the book!

That said ... allow me to first share a book. ITS FREE ... I just found it!
https://image.ibb.co/ixoX7w/book.jpg (https://www.amazon.com.au/Emotional-Freedom-Technique-Secret-Healing-ebook/dp/B01BGKG308/ref=sr_1_3?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1512121379&sr=1-3&keywords=Emotional+freedom+technique)
At least for me it was free ... I hope it is for you as well. It's actually not a bad read for a book that costs nothing. I have done a lot worse ... that's for sure. What I like about this book is it's take on affirmations. EFT is more than just tapping. It goes on about that key element of acceptance being the starting block but then heads into the importance of forgiveness when it comes to clearing blockages. I am still learning the process myself. Imo it seems to have a strong link with self hypnosis dynamics which is right down my alley.

For now I just need to work on affirmations ... the set up affirmation. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz very tired once more is all. I think more on this later.

The other book I am thinking about buying is Meditation As Medicine: Activate the Power of Your Natural Healing Force (https://www.amazon.com/Meditation-As-Medicine-Activate-Natural-ebook/dp/B004G8QNHG)

Still thinking on that. Anyways ... most days I am not a raving lunatic ... I actually have a lot of helpful stuff to share from time to time ... in fact a lot of the time. I've been in a rut for a long time I guess. Both my wife and I are Ill going through some hard times these last few years. None the less ... we pick ourselves up and keep doing what we can.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz If you have not tried EFT ... read a few books, YouTube and see if your think its worth open up. You DO have to open up for any of this to work though. That's why I prep as seriously as I do when approaching these type of methods. You can't just think your way through the process when it comes to the practice. But nothing wrong with a few good books for guidance and motivation if one is so inclined.

Ponder

12-02-2017, 01:13 AM

Huge Day spent writing up a a Guide (http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showthread.php?37290-101-How-To-Embed-Images-Into-Your-Forum-Posts!). :) Was a good distraction. Thx Gypsy!

Ponder

12-02-2017, 02:56 AM

I've decided to take two Valerian Root tablets tonight. Hoping tomorrow sees me starting to evening out a tad more before contemplating further. There's been more talk about nailing another X preacher from the catholic church that turned to working with youths in Darlinghurst / Paddington - Oxford St Sydney during the mid to late 80s. I don't mind joining the pieces together, but don't think I've the strength to pursue everyone that's breached their position of trust. They are not straight forward cases compared to the one that paved the way for my unfortunate story. Herbs now kicking in ... watch some Netflix then engage blue-light filter on my phone to nod off with some ASMR in bed. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz

https://image.ibb.co/n7Fp5G/tabs.png

The benefits of living clean - herbs work when not overly used. Requires timing with the right digestion ... & when done right ... seems to work for me:
__________________________________________________ __________________________
______ Side *Note ... Been spending too much time indoors ______

https://image.ibb.co/mJD95G/tenor_1.gif

martin05

12-02-2017, 06:48 AM

Lol, I like that gif.

I had a meditation session a couple of days ago. Went pretty well. Unfortunately I've been unable to continue cos of a virus, but will try and test the waters again soon.

Do you incorporate any Buddhism in your life to go with meditation, such as the 4 noble truths and the 8-fold path?

Ponder

12-02-2017, 02:14 PM

☻→ Relaxing music and candles. Music for Relaxation Meditation Concentration. Anti Stress music (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oob_EFd4pHw) ←☻

Hi Martin. I'm really pleased that your giving meditation another go. It really does come down to our ongoing experience, time as we perceive it and since you have now mentioned it our perception on suffering. Deep stuff I know ... but my take on the teachings of Buddhism I have allowed myself to take in thus far. Before I dive into that before my morning walk which I've been neglecting of late, I just want to say that for all my intentions and past experience, I struggle heaps with meditation myself. My only tip with respect to your current condition is that I have head it so many times, that it's during the times that challenge us most that we truly benefit from the act of meditation. This leads me to thinking in terms of our illnesses having the potential liken to a charged battery that has the ability to give life to a powerless globe. Awwwwwwwwwwww ...

During the late 70's and early 80's electronics was still in it's infancy. Compared to today and without things like internet, smart phones, tablets, personal computers (PCs) and the wide array of AI that we have today; staring into a bulb gauging it's brightness with its filament resonated pending the amount of flowing energy was my form of meditation before I even knew that practice existed. I miss the wonderment in that and yet for all the differences I can come up with to make whatever comparisons with the past and angst over a future that never comes is this feeling that somewhere deep inside me is an awe like state that keeps me connected; if not only in a trickle state. The answer is YES - there are elements of the 4 noble truths and the 8-fold path (even a desire to acknowledge the good that comes from the 5 precepts) that reside in me despite the way I cling to suffering.

Western Buddhism ... what can I say ... I think you made that point only a few posts back. Very black and white when it comes to suffering. In the same way people absolve themselves from responsibility through the shallow act of prayer (not dissing that act itself) and pretentious ways of being. Reminds me of that recent comment in my blog ... "Surely the actions of others do not cause your suffering ... " Told to someone experiencing PTSD reliving child abuse ... la la la ... need I say anymore with regard to western Buddhism. Such is the extent of its mindfulness.

That said the Four Noble Truths (http://www.audiodharma.org/series/2/talk/4858/) & Eightfold Plan (http://www.audiodharma.org/series/35/talk/7032/) do have a LOT to offer in helping us better understand the nature of suffering and moreover how to accept and grow from it. The links I have provided is from a source I have plugged many times in my threads, short lived blogs and like wise ramblings. A great source of information in a way that relaxes me. Gil Fronsdal (http://www.audiodharma.org/teacher/1/) (Check out some of his talks below his avatar. Inspiring stuff!) reminds me a lot of Jon kabat-zin in both his voice and being; at least as far as I feel when listening.

I'm heading off for my walk now ... I'll think a little more on what those virtues mean to me. Thanks for bringing them up Martin. Much appreciated.

Hope this finds you and the others well. ;)

Ponder

12-03-2017, 03:30 PM

Not much time but wanted to share that whilst I was actually in the process of practicing Smiling Therapy ... my good mate Barong uploaded a really positive video that really inspired me to give my smiling session a good go.

Here is Barong's Video ... Excellently well put together ... Short & Sweet and will leave you feeling good! :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNB66h5K7rM

Barong's Video was coincidental but really great timing for me.
I'm off for a little social activity today which is also positive stuff.

Thx again Barong ... Have a good day folks.

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4539/27040313539_70593be5b5.jpg (https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4539/27040313539_7abb50ea5c_o.jpg)

Ponder

12-03-2017, 07:48 PM

Today's Weather Report ... everyone still showed up. Glad I went. :) This mornings smiling therapy has seen me through - Time for some creative play with a good friend in Minecraft.

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4580/23956196987_311e1808ff_b.jpg (https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4580/23956196987_7b7dad95ad_h.jpg)

Ponder

12-04-2017, 09:47 PM

Uploaded photo from phone. Just out on a road trip at the moment. I took my son in law to see a hypnotherapist a couple of hours drive from town. I took this awesome photo adjacent the therapist backyard with my phone. Using the mobile app I could not access the BBCode, so I'll just put the link down below.

I think I'll go and stare in the paddock a bit more. Later guys.

https://flic.kr/p/CwX3dr

Ponder

12-05-2017, 05:06 AM

A flower bud I took of photo of about 6 years ago. I thought you might like what I did with it D. I really enjoyed reaching a meditative state glancing the paddock today. Trying my hand at some creative editing once again. Words failing me of late, but this depicts the focus I attain when is such concentrated states. Big day of driving. Was good to bond some more with my son in law. Night night. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4553/23984031127_fcb78846ae_z.jpg

Dahila

12-05-2017, 08:02 PM

It is beautiful :)......................

Ponder

12-06-2017, 02:29 AM

Early Morning South East Coast QLD Australia - Just out for a casual stroll with my compact camera:

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4545/38868309471_275cfc23cf_z.jpg (https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4545/38868309471_c4d43dc90b_h.jpg)

____________________

Took this one directly adjacent from shooting position of last photo but up on the street. I'm leaning up against wall next to the stair railing as seen in the reflection off hotel doors.

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4581/38838086722_04af93ef4e_z.jpg (https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4581/38838086722_055edaf787_h.jpg)

Very very tired ... yesterdays drive catching up on me and still recovering from PTS ... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Have another EFT session tomorrow. Must remember to ask questions re setting up the affirmations and the 2 part process related to that. As much as I have been trying to keep on track with healthy eating, I have been struggling to get back on track since my recent derailing. Boy oh boy ... the junk food triggers are seriously hard to combat once I partake of even the littlest bit. I will aim to get back out in the morning sun and take a few more snaps. Picked up the flute and since already forgetting the riff I just learned ... I was pleasantly surprised that I was able to just play whatever at any rate.

I'm still moving forward ever so slowly since the whole drama that's still unfolding. See what happens - over the next few months. See what this so called compensation actually brings. In the mean time the accounted is pulling $19.000.00 for one months and then another $50.000.00 for the next while he decides what he is going to do with us. Ludicrous to think the guy in on the board of directors for Australian Volunteers. The he is pulling those kind of funds from a pool of money meant to compensated affected children. Pending the outcome, the wife and I are sitting on that story re ethical services over in NewZealand. Like I say ... see what happens. Looks like he is drawing the whole process out to get what he wants. Ethics ... ethics!

Adios ... until next post.

Dahila

12-06-2017, 07:05 AM

The junk food base on three tastes; salty, sweet, and sour, the combination of them is usually in foods that contain a lot of carbs and sugar. I do believe in addiction to that "food"
The carbs are immediately converted to glucose and stored on stomach area, for later use, the problem is we never go hungry so day after day we store a bit more,,,,,, insulin is fat storage
Maybe junk food is connected with some stress relieve D? My weakness is bread, but I am eating only two thin, very thin slices with some things in it on Saturdays, while on Market, The bread is rye bread homemade.
Pics wonderful like always

Ponder

12-06-2017, 02:00 PM

SO TRUE. I really needed to hear that. Thx D!!!

Ponder

12-06-2017, 02:03 PM

As a result I was inspired to make this post. Hope this finds you guys well.
http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showthread.php?37306-Positive-Thinking-Don-t-think-it-Be-It!

Ponder

12-08-2017, 05:04 PM

My Main Meal for the Day (around mid-morning or lunch time.)

SALAD Base Foods:
Tomatoes (Roma have less acid)
Cucumber (Good for water retention)
Carrots (Filler - Fibber & good snack/use to avoid triggers)
Beetroot (fibber and good for digestion)
Spinach Leaves (Green Nutrition!)
Lettuce (Filler when not using flat bread/roll ups)
Bananas (Filler as is other fruits when added to salad)
Capsicum (when on special – excellent source of nutrition)

SALAD Dense Nutrition & Fats + Flavour:
Ginger (digestion and flavour)
Organic Coconut Oil (healthy fats)
Olives – (Nutrition and healthy fat)
Flax Meal Healthy (Brain food - Fats)
Chia Seeds Nutrition and filler ← especially when pre-soaked.
Lemons/Juice (flavour, digestion and nutrition)
Avocado (1/4 is enough – concentrated healthy fats)
Seeds (Pumpkin and or Sunflower Kernels)
Nuts ( healthy fats and energy)
_____________________________________________
Regarding Nuts & Seeds … Give to me and I will Soak and Dehydrate for you. Nuts and Seeds that have not been activated contain Phytic acid which inhibits nutrient absorption. If not activated avoid using them within 16 hours of eating anything else.

My Notes … as relates to me. This info will vary according to individual tastes, aims and routine.

Some items cost more than others. The spinach leaves for example I will eat in small lots diced up very small on top of lettuce. Another way to make the spinach go further is to use a flat bread on occasion.

Making up a salad without any of the dense nutrition will me feeling hungry. You don’t have to add everything. That list is mostly what I use however sometimes when I am in a rush I will use mostly 3 of the base foods with 3 of the dense foods and fats minus the flavours.

Fact is though … for these kind of raw salads to work the magic and fill me up for the best part of the day, I generally need to add a lot of the fillers with small amounts of most of the dense foods as well as the ginger and fats.

Mixing some coconut oil in ginger and even a bit of chilly with lemon makes a nice source. I sometime might use lemon with a vegan mayo as well.

When done right I generally don’t need flat bread. Using more of the cheap fillers with a little of each of the expensive dense foods usually seems a large bowel do me right. Using cut up banana/s in my salads also goes a long way.

This is the RAW part of my day and also the bulk of my food.

I will hit on breakfast and dinner later on. I do not consider breakfast as the main meal of the day, however I do like to include some dense foods in a smoothie or make a small carb serving on days I know I am going to burn the fuel. Dinner is good for helping me sleep but I have it way before bed.

More to follow later. Like I say … this is my balance approach that works for me.

EDIT ... forgot to add BEANS ... legumes as being the 'big part' of the above! I'm not into the protein myth but beans have plenty of that. I usually soak and cook my own, otherwise just rinse some caned one and leave in a container after being rinsed in the fridge.

Ponder

12-08-2017, 09:12 PM

Yea yea BS Dave: http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/yellow-hd/blushing-smiley-emoticon.gif

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4690/27149826959_a8853a9cd7_o.jpg

Seriously ... I'm just eating Sushi. Hahahaa ... if that's any better. What's a guy to do whilst out in the Australian Heat in between running around for everyone. Sigh ... I'm doing alright compared to a lot of people sitting here, but I feel for em. It's like a God Damn drug store and I know what it's like to be hooked. I still hang out for the Kababs and chips!!! as well at the Chinese on the pictured on the right. Not that any of the other stuff is any better but I sure as hell know that deep fried stuff makes me depressed/sick as soon as it goes down the hatch.

We figure the least damaging of all the other shops you can't see is the sushi bar ... but like I say ... its mostly sweet rice. I also got a spring roll so kind of BSing myself with the deep fried speech. Good news is I am back to waking up early and walking briskly. :)

Ponder

12-08-2017, 09:31 PM

My wife commented on the above when seen magnified ... many of the sitters look quite depressed. A western Food Court I guess. I never realized eating was such a chore for so many.

Click for full size comparison:

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4589/27150136549_6e5fd04393_n.jpg (https://www.flickr.com/photos/71988794@N08/27150136549/sizes/o/)

martin05

12-09-2017, 12:56 PM

Your meal plan looks great. I actually feel healthier just reading it lol.

What's your wife's diet like? Do you guys eat similar stuff?

Ponder

12-09-2017, 03:31 PM

:) I don't always stick to eating clean, but it 'works like a treat' when I do. Hmmm I think that analogy is flawed somehow.

In an ideal world we would eat the same but not exactly. Similar in eating healthy, yes, but not the same arrangement of foods. We both use an electric steamer for our dinner. We both avoid eating meat. (we don't buy meat in our shopping at all and also avoid eating it while out. Generally we are vegan, but not religiously so. Vegans are unhealthy when only eating for ethics - we are mostly plant based and avoid eating animal foods) Lisa eats more tofu that me. We also look to keep the grains low. The way we heat things up is something we pay attention to.

Breakfast I eat steal cut oats (100gram + is something I like to avoid ... I am looking to give up oats sooner than later) with spirulina powder ever second to third day (every third day preferable), whilst Lisa drinks a Banana, Almond Milk, Dates, Flax-meal and tumric shake every mornings. I'll make up a Banana, spirulina, Date, frozen Blueberry Shake mostly every second day with two days running here and there. The steal cut oats is when I know I am active that day. Everyday I agree cooked oats is bad for the digestion but won't harp on about it. What works for one is not always that best for another at any rate. Lisa still has a gall bladder whilst I do not. Yadda yadda to other issues such as hormone and metabolic imbalance down to immune deficiency and bla bla. It sucks but living in a toxic world such as is and not having a steady stream of the require money to eat real food means many of us have to science the shit out of available pretend foods in order to meet the needs for our broken/breaking anatomy. is what it is ... the above picture speaks volumes when it comes to the reality of how the majority eats and too the results. Low energy and negative mind states.

For dinner ... It's using the steamer mostly. Altough we differ in our arrangements and cooking style (slightly) we both have around 90% Vegetables with the other 10% being processed foods such as coconut cream, curry paste, vegan cheddar, vegan mayo, tofu, tempeh and so on. I generally have 50 grams of wild and or brown rice (soaked when I am on track) When I am on track and in weight loss mode I will just steam 100% veggies with a little home made organic coconut oil honey ginger sauce. Home made bean mix for my meat. half hour to an hour after that I will have some soft paw paw. I also use one apple and one pear cold press 'on occasion' before bed 4 afters after my dinner.

We both eat our dinner around 3 - 4 pm (when on track) and go to bed early ... Lisa heads of to bed around 6-7pm and I will head off around 8pm.

All of this is when we are in sync and doing well mentally. Trying times as you know make keeping on track much harder. We have been doing this for a few years now and able to get back on track when loosing our way. Generally one of the other will pull the other up when we given in to the drugs as pictured above. Once you start eating the junk if one is not mindful it is very easy to get lost and if let lose for longer than a week, its extremely hard to get back up. It would be like starting from scratch again when both of us were morbidly obese!

We are not much to look at, but we feel much better than we used to. Alas ... we do look considerably thinner than we used to!!!

I just add ... RAW foods mostly is my aim with my super salad being my focus for the day. I sometimes make a point by eating Salad for my dinner as well. I'm in super clean mode when I eat like that and generally feel pretty good when I do it right. I'll just throw in pumpkin soup here and there for comfort food. Generally though ... with enough fats like avo and activated nuts ... my salads are pretty awesome ... that just take like 20 to minutes to prepare sometimes is all. Again ... when motivated the whole food prep thing can be meditative and something I look forward to like going for walks or exercise that you know makes you feel good.

Is good when you know you don't need much food ... the less I eat and the more I feel good that better it is to know there is not much to do. Kind of like why water fasting is really cool for those able to do that right. Imagine not needing to eat. *&^% yea ... instead we make it like a drug and make it a culture thing. I often see it more like being a slave to food ... but that's another story.

For now ... I try not to think!

Ponder

12-10-2017, 02:38 AM

But right now I am struggling with bread. My wife brings it into the house and controls herself much better than I. Bread is like like a massive trigger for me. I know you have said that many times Dahila.

I've tried to ignore it ... but it's also true for me. It's been a comfort food over the last few weeks now and it's starting to weight in. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/funny/1/belly-dance.gif

Dahila

12-10-2017, 05:39 AM

yeah I am quiet successful not to see the bread, I have my grandchild after school almost every day of week and I am making food for her, she wants bread all the time ehhhhhhhh

Ponder

12-10-2017, 02:53 PM

Yea, I was really pleased to hear how you have beaten back the bread scenario. LOL @ ehhhhhhhhhhh. When you say it I literally hear the sound of 'perfectly' pronounced sarcasm. You truly have that one down to an art. :)

On other fronts, just got news that my Sisters 14yo son has leukemia. :(

Life just keeps throwing a curve ball constantly. Sigh. Is not that form of cancer one of the more treatable ones? I should probably Google, but still processing stuff is all. Srry if my mention of it is too much of a downer. More sobering for myself in other ways. Not sure if this counts as a vulture that one respects as per that Prometheus Poem. I'm still struggling with that one ... embracing suffering and all that. (despite myself having harped on that tune previously when feeling strong SIGH) I am sure there is wisdom somewhere in it ... but I think you understand well my recent reluctance in the good old suffering teaches us D.

Have you seen 'The Story of God' with Morgan Freeman on Netflix? I disagree that we 'need' Evil in order to be compassionate. I think the conflict is more in the defining of Evil rather than the question of whether we need it in order to coexist. I think more about balance rather then Needing Evil. Religion do doubt needs evil in order to recruit and exist.

I go rake the yard and gell with that. I'm certainly not looking for conflict just so that I can feel the peace. Such a statement was one of many conflicts throughout that Netflix series, however there was and is still some good insights to be found within the lines of script.

Hope this finds you well D. Chin Up. :)

I find a way for us to escape this planet and come back with a plan in my next post. How's that sound?

Dahila

12-11-2017, 08:21 AM

I am so sorry , that really bad news about your niece. I think without evil you would not different between good and bad, Human beings are emotional creatures. It is like white would not exist without black ........Compassion; you are born with it, life will not teach you to be compassionate, you are or you are not.

Ponder

12-11-2017, 02:47 PM

Interesting perspective D. I think I was born compassionate, but lately feeling a lot of anger thus whilst wishing to be peaceful am currently full of mixed emotions. Emotions hey. Not sure I care for them really. The ability to detach from them I think I am more interested in. So much preaching out there against such an act. Always trying to have us feeling either one extreme of the other.

It is my nephew not niece ... but thanks for the condolences. Much appreciated.

I fought back the urge to have two slices of toast after my dinner last night. I won that battle ... see what happens today. It really has been a full on drug of late. The whole PTSD 'rolls eyes' drama has taken a bit to get over. *&^% the abbreviations that so many people cling to of late. Pffft ... I think we would do better to spell the #*&îng words out. But no ... it's soooo easy to use little abbreviations and labels instead. Another form of mental masturbation for the mind and those of us that love to kid ourselves.

Sun looks good but has been VERY harsh of late. Might get into the weeks while I still can.

Thanks for popping in D ... very glad you have been OK of late. Have you done much with your cards recently???

Dahila

12-11-2017, 04:45 PM

D. it not suppose to battle, I would eat this two slices of toast. If you deprived your body and mind of something it will sneak on you. Just give into desire once and treat it like one time occurrence.
Yeah I wish I would not to give into my emotions, but it is not achievable for me, I am all emotions. Maybe that's good, Could I help people if I was not emotional and compassionate?
I do not think so. I do my best to cut down on this ocean of emotions, working on it, and losing the fight ;)
I am working with cards from time to time, especially when I need some creativity to run through me,
When I do limit the readings to minimum , i am much happier, I only do it for people who really need it :)
you made a point, f*****ng point D , Man I love you dearly, my friend

Ponder

12-11-2017, 05:21 PM

.................................................. . :)

Ponder

12-12-2017, 03:45 AM

Family Feuds Suck ... do they not? It's a tough job trying to remain neutral. Night folks ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Ponder

12-12-2017, 04:27 AM

I was really impressed with the following so figured I would post here in my self made journal:
Dr. Russ Harris - Acceptance Commitment Therapy (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC-sMFszAaa7C9poytIAmBvA)
Happiness Trap by Dr. Russ Harris (https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=Happiness+Trap+by+Dr.+Russ+Ha rris)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=93LFNtcR1Ok

martin05

12-12-2017, 02:34 PM

Cool vid. His stuff seems a nice mix of Buddhism and pragmatism. Mindfulness and acceptance, but without the desire to reach the religious state of enlightenment whereby one becomes a bit of a vegetable.

I really must check out his book.

Ponder

12-12-2017, 03:39 PM

Don't underestimate the benefits of becoming a vegetable! The ability to thrive of sunlight, water and basic elements is as liberating as it gets. Imho I would rate such a as the ultimate freedom.

Being a vegetable Rocks! http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/eating/tomato-smiley-emoticon.gif They feel more than we care to admit. :)

Yea Religion ... holds us back.

martin05

12-13-2017, 03:23 AM

Lol, I can't argue with that. I've never seen a stressed out veggie.

Ponder

12-13-2017, 05:25 AM

Martin - Keep searching my friend! I like your style. I felt the very same way about Buddhist Drone Syndrome. My view has slightly altered but I get why the term is widely in use. It's important to still feel ... I get understand that too ... and beleive me when reaching states of - No Thinking -/ NOTHING ← notice the missing G replaces 'K' on the end of Nothin ... as in NO -THIN 'K' - The feeling that then takes place is so much more than any of the terms we think we know as happiness, joy and bliss - so much more than what we know of prosperity and abundance. All those terms are far limited compared to reaching states of nothing - of no thinking. I try to explain in my latest Vlog ... if you care to see... I link below.
______________________________

Thanks for the encouragement to post another V-log Barong. I do beleive it has helped. Although I go over much of the same stuff - it's like playing a tune. I'm getting better the more I practice. Or at least I like to think so. :) I feel like something has clicked this time around or just about to fall into place. It's more a knowing than any kind of intellect that I could put into words ... although I try. I think my V-logs are more about tone than the words themselves. The latter is very important to me.

The render job is taking a while on this video. I might go lay down for a bit and if I wake up, I'll upload then ... otherwise will post in the morning. I put in some updated flute playing in the beginning and end.

In the mean time be sure to check out these links:
How to Stimulate Your Vagus Nerve for Better Mental Health (https://www.optimallivingdynamics.com/blog/how-to-stimulate-your-vagus-nerve-for-better-mental-health-brain-vns-ways-treatment-activate-natural-foods-depression-anxiety-stress-heart-rate-variability-yoga-massage-vagal-tone-dysfunction)
My mentor and EFT practitioner put me on to this ... for me it's a paradise of information on so many levels!!!

Also these ones as well:
Could Strengthening Your Vagus Nerve Be The Secret To Crushing Your Anxiety? (https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/the-vagus-nerve-anxiety-how-to-strengthen-it)

10 Vagus Nerve Symptoms and How To Treat Them (http://www.brainprotips.com/vagus-nerve-symptoms/)

The Vagus Nerve and Health (https://selfhacked.com/blog/28-ways-to-stimulate-your-vagus-nerve-and-all-you-need-to-know-about-it/)

WIKI Vagus nerve (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vagus_nerve)

If your looking for one thing that leads to many ... then check out all you can about the Vagus Nerve! The facts about good health are not new, but the relevance in how much of it is all related is what I find very - Very interesting.

Ponder

12-13-2017, 11:44 AM

Uploaded .................................................. .................

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0JCfb-0CiAM&feature=youtu.be

Dahila

12-13-2017, 04:42 PM

I am so impressed D. <3
Happiness; life is a learning process, i have no doubts, I do not know why we have to learn all the time, but happiness is to fell down and get up and keep going .
I also struggle with the moment when i get to feel to be nothing and bum I lose it, I remember that it is I, eh but still even a minute of being nothing is so refreshing and healthy.
I am impressed with the video, with your playing, talking, everything. om 16 th minute, I started to lose myself, very good D. It was awesome,
You calmed me down.
Getting older has it's benefits, we are not scared anymore, I know that all downs are temporary ;)
Thank you for the vid D

martin05

12-14-2017, 09:09 AM

She's a beautiful instrument, isn't she? The sound... it's so calming. You were a bit of a human charmer there. Lulling me and Dahls into a state of calm.

Was the breathing hard to get the hang of? I've only ever dabbled with the guitar.

Ponder

12-15-2017, 03:57 AM

Hey there guys. Thanks for the kind words. Much appreciated. My day was once again running around after others however I found enough time to show you how I breathe Martin. Unfortunately I had audio desyncing issues where the longer the video rendered the more out of sync my flute audio overlay became. Thus I ended up just doing no editing so what you get is the uncut version (albeit low res) of me attempting to explain how I teach myself to breathe, meditate and play flute. Just another version of me teaching myself the important points that all lead into the knowing. You know the drill with me ... no short answers and best learned through the doing.

I show you the tip about dropping one's knees below the hip line for the most ergonomic position in which to make breathing much easier. Usually sitting in a low chair is best to achieve such a result. If your interest I'll into doing a show and tell on how I approach a meditation sitting and how I keep myself on track as my mind wanders. I'm getting pretty good at keeping on track with my meditations of late.

Anyways ... thanks for the question and again for the encouragement guys.

Hope you rested well D.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=efDaAi88Fww&feature=youtu.be

Adios until next post. :)

Ponder

12-16-2017, 02:00 AM

Highlight of the day was installing Farm Simulation 2017. :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OE-sKkdFgaE

Anyone here play it?

Ponder

12-16-2017, 10:22 PM

LOL D - Re feeling special. :) Thought you might get a laugh our of that. I figured since we get so bogged down with life being so oh wonderful and glee it was time for a little 'fuck it!' therapy ... if you know what I mean.

For instance ... I've kind of been like fuck it with the weeds of late. See below for context!

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4687/39097114241_9424b9bc60_o.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/22ySVWz)

Time to tend my crops in Farm Simulator 2017 on my pc first ... those weeks can wait a little more. :)

OH YEA - I just answer in here Martin:

When we go to my wife's parents we don't have to make anything up for Xmas lunch. We get spoiled. At home we usually order out and then pick up and or both pitch in ... however Yes ... my wife does more of the prepping for sure. :)

martin05

12-17-2017, 08:30 AM

That game looks bloody relaxing. I don't really play many games. I only have a Chromebook, so I can't download much.

Can't say I'm too worried about weeds myself, what with the weather we're having here. Here's a shot from close to my house.

https://image.ibb.co/c1PQEm/WP_20171210_13_45_17_Pro_LI_preview.jpg

Ponder

12-17-2017, 02:31 PM

YEA! NICE!!! I really wish I was there freezing my balls off! Funny how one side of the planet yearns for the other, however once you acclimatize it then looses its charm real quick. Hitting Temps exceeding 40 Degrees Celsius over here in Australia atm. Heat Stress really sucks. I always seem to have more options available when it comes to the colder weather.

Love the photo!!! Thanks for sharing it. Much appreciated.

Yes I am absolutely loving the Farm Simulator Game. It runs on my older laptop smooth as butter. Yea I don't think you can run much on those Chrome Books other than Google. Is why I don't own one ... that said ... I bet the battery life is excellent on those things as too the ability to still use office, read eBooks and no doubt many other things. I hope you enjoy your Chrome Device very much and that it brings you a lot of peace. :)

Ponder

12-18-2017, 12:53 PM

I think I found a new life in Farm Simulation 2017 :)

Dahila

12-18-2017, 04:53 PM

I never get used it, everytime the winter comes, I start to feel alive, I love cold, frost, snow and everything about winter :) Must be that *8888** n hunters blood in me :)

martin05

12-18-2017, 06:23 PM

Cheers mate. I took it with you in mind actually. Been meaning to share some stuff for a while now.

How's the snow where you are, Dahila?

As for the old Chromebooks, yeah, they're not too bad. You're screwed if you love your software, but for general use they're alright. Great screen size, great battery. I only had a couple of hundred bucks to spare when my old laptop broke down. Not handy when it comes to building my own stuff. Can't complain too much. Until I can get something more powerful, I'll have to live through you with the gaming lol.

Dahila

12-19-2017, 08:08 PM

Martin before great lakes freeze we get a lot of snow. Today is plus so almost all snow banks are gone, last week it was snowing for 48 hours :)

Ponder

12-22-2017, 03:46 PM

Hi Guys ... Sorry I have been real busy caught up working my new farm. :)

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4599/24364687247_61429d6d9e_o.jpg

Actually one of the steak holders just contact me so I have to go again. Will take a break soon. Promise. :)

martin05

12-22-2017, 05:52 PM

Lol no worries. I was beginning to get a tad worried. You're like clockwork on here.

Any chance you can get some gameplay uploaded? Maybe even give us a quick tour around the game? It'd be cool to see, if you have the time/energy.

Ponder

12-23-2017, 04:35 AM

Tomorrow might be a bit rushed as the day before we leave for the the big Xmas lunch. Takes a bit of work editing things ... BUT I could maybe just log in and do a screen capture and or join a few others I already made. See what happens.

It's been a huge learning curve as I am playing in realistic mode ... but I can talk more about that in the vid. I started off just trying to go for the $$$ but as soon as I started to play for real things got really tough. I have worked it out though. :) It's a game that takes a LOT of time which is fine by me.

Thanks for asking Martin ... Hope you guys are well.

Adios until next post. Yea I should do Vlog ... If anything ... I need to get off my ass and do a few laps as well.

Ponder

12-23-2017, 04:39 AM

Almost forgot ... just chilling at the end of the day. Was a hard day of gaming!!!

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4730/38361068905_774dac38d2_c.jpg (https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4730/38361068905_d90ae9ead6_h.jpg)

Ponder

12-23-2017, 01:03 PM

Damn - 6 am already as I type. Well I just made a post in here so that's hopeful. lol though ... not sure I gave much hope. Just more of the truth as I perceive it.

Sigh ... OK I have shaved and brushed teeth + had my lemon drink; although not in that order.

Lets me see ... I must now go out under the back porch and do my resistance exercises then drive up to the hockey oval and sweat out ten laps. FUCK IT!!! That's what I am noW going to do ... should hit the 7am sun which is actually quite hot here atm ...

I want to put together a Vlog before I go away tomorrow.

Just hanging in there I am. A lot of shit going on ... BUT FUCK IT ... I know what pain management I need. I go do that now so I can enjoy may day as it unfolds and have all in place for the next few as well.

Take Care guys ...

Adios until next post. :)

Ponder

12-23-2017, 02:47 PM

Nailed it!!! Now all I have to do is hang clothes out, go to the shop, check car tires, fluids and so forth and pack my bag for the big trip.

Hmmm - I will have something to eat in between all that and then finally do some kind of Vlog using the Farm Simulation.

Something like that. I'm sure I am missing out a lot but no doubt will find out along the way.
_______________________________________________

;)

I'd love to fit in mowing the lawn, more weeding and doing edges ... but fuck ... that's just going to have to wait I think. Hmmmm ... or maybe not. Would feel great to get all that done before going way ... GOD DAMN IT! The kitchen still needs doing. Sigh ... smiles at any rate.

See ya soon Martin and hopefully D as well.

Hope this finds you both well.

Adios
Until Next post
~Dave.

Ponder

12-23-2017, 03:00 PM

Oh YEA!!! I got the weeding next to the shed done :)

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4687/39097114241_323d15ee22.jpg (https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4687/39097114241_0bbbe57b0c_h.jpg) --------->> https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4734/38371040655_706b95e21d.jpg (https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4734/38371040655_7eaa93a68a_h.jpg)

Was a huge job ... I had to madock - dig up good and proper all the roots. Is now well cultivated and ready to plant when I am ready to do so. I got to old bails of sugar cane mulch read to go on top until I find time to fertilize more and then so on.

Ponder

12-24-2017, 03:36 AM

Just letting you know Martin I through something together BUT I will have to upload while I am sleeping. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

martin05

12-24-2017, 09:31 AM

Oh cool. Don't feel you have to put yourself out though.

Have a good trip. Catch up after all the madness!

Ponder

12-24-2017, 10:38 AM

Not at all - All Good. You know me. I just at times do well to give myself a running commentary in order to get stuff done. Nothing more. :) I enjoyed getting a lot of chores out of the way and then sitting down to come up with the following ramble:

Its a long one - but once again ... I have a really good time and acatually learned a little more on how to play. I find the game very relaxing to play, however it may be very boring for others who just like to run and gun all the time is all.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P0RCc47cvAA&feature=youtu.be

I'm heading back to bed for a little more sleep before my long drive. No drama this end ... I wanted to do this. Thanks again for asking. :)

I just bought all the DLC content before going to bed. I love the game to bits!!!

Later Guys.
ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzz

PS - Srry I was unable to render the graphics more. In game the graphics are actually stunning!!! It's just a file size thing that restricted me somewhat ... all the same, you will get a general idea of what the game is like ... although my example is very limited as I am just starting a new game on hard. Hope you enjoy the laid back presentation ... laid back as is for me.

Ponder

12-24-2017, 08:49 PM

Surrounded by 15 people/family/acquaintances and feeling like my tummy is about to burst! :) - Has not been a bad bash thus far. Highlight of the day was calling my mum after 4 years of no talking. We had a light hearted chat which seemed just right to start the ball rolling again. Rolling in a better direction too. :)

So no complaints really. Far from it. Have now reconnected where it counts with both my sister and mum. Has been a long gap of silence since my bros death. I think we are all comming to terms now.

Best I can wrap the end of this year. Does not seem right for me to complain. I hope I'm able to foster the right words and tone with respect to ongoing relations during that time of the year we are less mindful.

Time to spend 20+us on Steam! :)

Adios ... until next post.

martin05

12-25-2017, 05:27 PM

Now that's what Christmas is all about. A full tummy and money to spend on the Steam store. :cool:

Glad your day went smoothly. Things here were calm but pleasant. Some time spent in the morning opening presents with my young nephew. A meal and a few drinks in the evening. I can handle that.

Haven't watched the vid yet. Will do so during a quiet moment. Thanks for the upload.

Dahila

12-26-2017, 04:56 PM

Actually, I was invited for Christmas Eve dinner to my daughter's place. It was important to because it was first dinner in her place , very traditional Polish dinner, We officially welcomed her partner to the family :) Next day they came to my place, It was only 5 of us, but after dinner when I was back in my house I got first panic attack in a year
I had no idea how this event stressed me up. I could not make it in house with 15 people in it, D. you are tough man, :)
Martin I am happy your xmas went good, :)

Ponder

12-26-2017, 09:19 PM

Srry you got stressed out D. I am not tough - I'm just over stressing I guess. I know my escape routes well. :)

Ponder

12-27-2017, 03:37 AM

Back on the wagon I guess. :)

Ponder

12-27-2017, 04:31 AM

Hope your feeling better D? Have seen you posting. I guess that is a good thing. :) It's also good to see you in here as well.

Just let the world be as it is. Let the sheep murmur and the headers heard. I'm up for air having spent a hundred + hours in Farm Simulator 17 over what seem like not much more than a week (seem hard to beleive) Somehow I have still been getting enough sun ... but will have to work on more sleep.

Not sure what to say really. Just been having a huge break from delving too deep. Life still draining us as it does - Not much in the way of artificial blessings ... just a few logs burning out with constant surprises that unsettle the coals and makes it hard to get relief. BUT - is always that way it's been for us. Is very amusing in here of late. LOL ... snigers to himself. I think I can go lay down and watch some Youtube now and get some sleep. Maybe have some more crazy dreams. Is not so bad when that happens. I also a good break of sorts.

Oh Yea ... Martin & anyone else interested in PC Games... I purchased the following bundle over the Xmas Period on Steam: → Train Simulator 2018 (http://store.steampowered.com/sub/215404/) ← looks like a really good deal!!!
Downloading it now - and since I am still heavily into and learning the Farm Sim ... I won't be rushing this one.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crMwNNV0drM

Now there is a New Series Staring called TSW Train Sim World ... but after reading from hard core fans and the like, I was sold on the fact that Train Simulator has a LOT of support and the latest updates have well and truly ironed out any kinks. I agree it's too early to buy into NEW releases and to be quite honest am over buying into early games ... especially those pre release games.

Anyways ... My grandson loves trains so will like get a kick out of seeing me attempt to drive these things. Yes the graphics look outdated - BUT - they still look rather immersive to me. Will be interesting to see how my laptop runs this game. I think instead of recording via the use of onscreen recording software, I might do better just to video the computer or me playing the computer to give a real sense of what it looks like. I've seen a few people do this to good effect.

Anyways ... I'm really loving these Simulation Games. I've seen the Truck one Euro Trucks I think it's called ... I will leave that for another time I think. Too much at once is not good for me.

PUB ... Player Unknown Battleground was such a waste of money for me. I am over those kind of games. Again ... really happy to of found the Simulation Genre.

I think that's enough blabbing for now. Once I get my Farm happening more with the animals and have some more fields with different things growing, I will do another vid on that. Little bit by little bit.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzz Best get some sleep ... Oh year I got some yard work done today. That was good!

Ponder

12-27-2017, 04:56 AM

Here is an even more interesting approach with trains in mind:
https://www.trainzportal.com/product/view/trainz-model-railroad-2017

Model Railway building is EXPENSIVE. I am LOVING the intentional to play on a digital level and create whatever without having to spend much other than a few DLC here and there.
The train sim I purchased is more about driving the trains and with scenic presentations from a more up close perspective. I am sure it will be fun ... BUT ... to be able to build my own model railway would be awesome!!! I am definitely going to research into this some more.

OK enough done ... I really must get some sleep. OH YEA - Trainz on Steam has some variations that are actually Multiplayer (http://store.steampowered.com/app/315660/Trainz_A_New_Era/) ... that looks fascinating. I must put on my wish list. Again YES the graphics are not what everyone is used to ... BUT - its not about that. It's good enough to be immersive and offer a rather exceptional sense of hobby creativity that I have never seen before. These train sims that take on the hobby aspect are really quite remarkable.

Adios until next post.

Ponder

12-28-2017, 06:21 AM

Got in some exercise ... will do some more tomorrow as well. Get back on the wagon. Feeling good about it although having a few late nights. Not to worry. So anyways the farm in my other life is going well. A slow process but I am still loving it all the same. I started learning the train simulator tonight. I actually stated last night. For a rather outdated graphic system it really uses a LOT of system resources. It's simply not optimized in the same way other PC games are. I understand why but to tired to explain why it's so taxing on hardware.

Now having said that ... I actually managed to record a some in game play using software on my laptop whilst playing the game. This will be the game I have to video off screen to actually show how it comes up ... but for now ... I turn some of the settings down to get reasonable smooth footage. I played a more scenic game earlier but having trouble finding that scenario therefore ended up just video a random train run. Slowing the train down and speeding up is a challenge on some maps/scenarios. I enjoy it very much.

I'm actually not sure how the render of this video is going to work out because I am actually rendering whilst surfing the net ... not exactly a good thing ... but I just feel the need to kill time. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzz. File size is not so big so should be a quick upload tethering off my phone. Then it's night night for me. :) More sun - more yard work today as well. In between all this hard PC gaming ...

OK just processing the video on youtube now. Again is a small file size uploaded from my phones hot spot for quicker uploading. The detail does not really show how good it is and once again despite the old style graphics .. I think there not that bad really. What I do like is the smooth playback I am getting and that's whilst recording on my laptop. There's a lot going on in this game ... too much to explain right now ...

Night Night ... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

If you play it in window mode or on a small device it will most likely look better. ;) Runs smooth as though and a LOT of fun with trying to keep the right speed! I've over shot a few stations more than once.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T7-c8YXmEss&feature=youtu.be

Edit → Here is two screen shots I captured from a scenic run I did ... this show more the detail. Old school graphics but nicely detailed ... with is with 8XAA CCS ... I had to reduce it back to 4X and lower the graphics slightly to get a smooth recording. It really is a nice feel ... driving about and changing camera angles taking in the sounds and the scene. Not to mention trying to drive the train and pick everyone up on time : )

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4691/27573599089_da97b39d21_z.jpg (https://www.flickr.com/photos/71988794@N08/27573599089/sizes/o/) https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4593/27573599449_61d6869652_z.jpg (https://www.flickr.com/photos/71988794@N08/27573599449/sizes/o/)

Dahila

12-28-2017, 05:33 PM

Incredible, I can understand why you spend time on game, I do to just some stupid repetition. Not real games. I gives us a breath

Ponder

12-28-2017, 09:30 PM

:) I'm just in a spot where these games are helping me to keep a lid on things. I've also changed the types of games I'm into of late.

Hope this finds you well D :)

Ponder

12-29-2017, 05:38 PM

Got some issues going on ... but trying to keep my spirits up. Possible health anxiety ... but going to see a doctor instead. Yes that's right - ~Ponder actually going to see a doctor. hehe ...

Dahila

12-30-2017, 04:02 PM

Got some issues going on ... but trying to keep my spirits up. Possible health anxiety ... but going to see a doctor instead. Yes that's right - ~Ponder actually going to see a doctor. hehe ...

I hope it is nothing, keep us posted please

Ponder

12-31-2017, 03:30 AM

Just a white spot dead centre in the middle of by tongue. Towards the back of my tongue. I thought it was a pimple or stigh/sty kind of thing but it's been about two weeks. The pain subsided but still ended up being rather irritating in a sapping (energy draining/depressing) kind of way.

I have been brushing my teeth regularly and using mouth was as well as making fresh ginger tea. After thoroughly washing and sterilizing my hands I squeezed it a little where I can't say for sure if anything came out. Now I know your not supposed to do that, but I was climbing the walls at that stage with frustration due to the irritation (more than pain) AT ANY RATE is was during this physical examination I was giving myself that I discovered a lump beneath the white pimple looking bump as I pressed down upon that point. HMMM WTF!!! I thinks to myself. TONGUE CANCER ... Fucking Great!!! What's Next. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/rolling.gif

Sigh ... Anyways ... I have had painful white spots before and split tongue syndrome with periods of mouth thrush. I must say no ware near as bad since I started eating clean. Fact is this time of year I have given in pretty hard and started eating shit once again. It comes as no surprise to me that my mouth is experience a few issues. I am pleased to say that since focusing hard on oral hygiene and once again starting the process of eating clean that the lump has reduce in size and the irritation now less. 'touch wood' Perhaps it was more inflammation as opposed to dead cells having formed in place ... although I am now worried at the possibly being an X smoker and all. My bio father who recently died ... died of throat cancer. Tongue cancer can easily spread into the glands. I'll be keeping a check on that!

So it is that I have been trying to keep my spirits up for healing sake. I know how easy it can be to let the immune system give in when we ourselves give in to all else. Bit like how IMS said before with the parable of cancer and the like. Hmmmm ... Ponders on that for sure. I just have to be careful I don't allow my body to reach that point where that despite all the spirit we can muster ... the body just packs up and says ... Nice Try But Too Late!!!
_____________________

Anyways Cool Story. Best go clean my mouth out now come to think about it.

:) Thanks for checking in D ... much appreciated.

I hope you are as well as can be. Here here. :)

Dahila

12-31-2017, 06:33 AM

oh I had it before and each time it is candida, home made kefir took care of that. Right now I do not drink milk, just wipping cream with my coffee , no bread or wheat products it is over two years I did not suffer with it. What caused it for was fruit especially oranges, Now I do limit it, I had not had orange in over a year. Yeah immune system is a b, is it not? Happy New Year D, maybe it will be better for us. ;)

Ponder

01-01-2018, 01:25 AM

Sounds like a good call D. My system does not do well with fermented foods. Been their tried that. Maybe a little dose of ACV but not too much. Glad you mentioned it. :)

Yes ... maybe a good year. :)

Dahila

01-01-2018, 07:27 AM

do not despair, just remember we do not have to go for long time, the relieve will come when we leave this ****** (respect for you) plane.............and become one with nature

Ponder

01-01-2018, 02:41 PM

Your a good friend D. I know well those words. I'm going to sit with that a little longer. I'll just say for the times it's often been told how wonderful and how full of love this world be ... I'm seeing a LOT of contradictions come from those same people who often preach such romantic notions. I mean not to personalize on the culture or upbringing to those individuals but simply highlight the contradictions in general.

I Ponder more on what you said because it rings a bell with me. Not sure I want to open the door on pain to it's full extent ... but it's worth baring some of that pain. I feel if we do not - the pain only gets worse.

So it is that I am quite relieved that you just said what you did. :)

Respect - You definitely got plenty of that. Without out we all wind up dead. Like fresh fish in a mall adjusted prison.

Dahila

01-01-2018, 03:46 PM

In my opinion pain is senseless, suffering does not make us better or world more beautiful. It is the worst nightmare in life to be in pain as physical as mental, Sometimes the last one is the worst, No pain killers will give you relieve when you heart does not want to beat anymore. .......
I think the world is awful and is not going to get better rather the opposite. So much hate everywhere. Imagine this planet without us...............it would be a beauty, peaceful beauty

Ponder

01-02-2018, 03:42 AM

No wonder we hide in our PCs, games, air conditioned and heated homes. Sigh ...

Went to the docs ... being treated for oral thrush. Must remember to treat myself before bed.

D - Is so hard to watch the grand kids go through this world the way it is now. I completely agree with what your saying - yet there is a part of me that's feels we need to focus on alleviating the suffering as much as we can. Four ourselves as well as others. Do our best to try and not feed the pain, the hate, the depression and all that.

In this instance though ... I feel commiseration is in order. We cry for this planet and it's current state together. :) I've drawn a spiritual blank of late. Exhausted I thinks more like it. Spiritually drained; just like this planet. What can we do?

Ponder

01-02-2018, 04:44 PM

It only started since I ate meat over the Xmas break? Eating plants, nuts and the assortments of high density natural fats is more than enough to keep my immune systems on top. That said, food is only one element to our physical state. Basically I'm just saying that plant only eating is not unhealthy as many see it to be. I've been doing it a while now and pretty much know it's more the processed crap the *&^#s me up. Yes the occasional bit of meat can give me a boost but so does cold pressing my veggies and fruits. Truth is our food point blank is really not food anymore. Even that plants they mass produce only have 5% or nutrient they once had. (Research carrots) I still have a bit of meat from time to time D - But I really don't need it to boos my immune system. The reason it's low is because I have been consistently low since my recent bout of PTS.

Juicing just a few apples and a pear with some green spinach and beets gives me a boost (Despite the way they are now grown) ... BUT ... the toxicity of this world, the way we live and all that jazz is too much weight for any kind of clean living we ascribe to do. I only try to do it to lessen the pain ... BUT ... our end it written on the wall no matter what we do. How we meet it, well that's another tune. I'm no longer buying the suffering makes us stronger scenario because those that sell it really have not suffered. I'm sure you know what I mean on that score. OR those that have had hard knocks are akin to factory workers who win lotto then proceed to tell others how to work. No wonder the world is full of so much angst. Is how we have wired ourselves or is how we play to the tune of programming. Either way ... the world can't sustain the way it is. As hard is it is ... your right ... things are set to get a LOT worse! More US & Thems mentality coming with all kinds of 'justifiable' abuses/crimes. Rolls Eyes. Those sitting pretty will be the worst abusers of all. The latter being the one's that typically tell others, "You learn from your suffering; know thy place" ... yadda yadda.

martin05

01-02-2018, 07:37 PM

You not a fan of inter-marrying, Dahila?

I noticed a lot of mixed couples on the Xmas tv. Muslim men, white women, that kind of thing. I don't really pay any attention to any of that, it just struck me as weird because it seemed way over represented. Maybe people are right when they say the media has an agenda.

Ponder

01-02-2018, 08:58 PM

Several Years Ago ... My Mum and Dad ... Despite making some horrific mistakes as parents, I'll always stand by their choice to be a couple.

https://farm8.staticflickr.com/7441/11265736673_c170826f52_c.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/iavR2c) https://farm3.staticflickr.com/2834/11265618006_10ba864248.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/iaveKd)

My Son and Daughter ... Wedding Tomorrow : )

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4521/37851194254_23a79edcf6_b.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/ZEMgku)

Another long drive tomorrow and then the wedding. Good food later on. : )

Ponder

01-03-2018, 12:53 AM

Martin ... ??? Where did you get that from? Personally if I had to do things again; I too would not have any children. This world is not worth the pain.

Yes the media has an agenda.

Ponder

01-03-2018, 12:25 PM

Immunity is like a community. Once you think one part is more deserving than another; it all falls apart. Matters not how small one group is or what color. Just as I care less how large one group is and whether they all believe in the same thing.

The ideals that have torn this planet apart and see those few living off the backs of the many to whom fall in line like oppressed sheep (who've been programmed to follow as they do); are beliefs we would all do well to let go off.

Only then can our Community Heal. The same applies with our Imune System. Once you take nature out of the equation there is no pill that can be manufactured to deal with imbalance.

No doubt we shall continue to manufacture ideals just as we do our pills.

That said, time for me to hit my back porch Gym.

Have a great fucking day. I know I will. :)

martin05

01-03-2018, 12:45 PM

Perhaps Dahila's main issue is with culture, rather than race? I mean, we all know skin pigmentation doesn't mean much when it comes to a person's personality.

However, those from certain cultures can often have rather worrying habits and viewpoints. Where I live, for example, there's a large Muslim community, and their adherence to their sky fairy is terrifying. They make most Christians look like innocent pre-schoolers.

Maybe Dahila's worry isn't that her neighbor might be of a different complexion, but that these worrying viewpoints become normal in her community and her granddaughter's community.

I don't know, maybe I'm putting words in your mouth, Dahila. In which case, I apologize.

Ponder

01-03-2018, 01:14 PM

Whilst I get what your saying, I am having a hard time with you speaking about Dahila in the 3rd person.

I'll let Dahila speak for herself since I know D is here and at any rate, it would be best to ask Dahila even if she were not here. (D is always with me in spirit)

I think the apology is undermined by your delivery if you can fathom my own offence. D is like my sister and is more than capable of talking for herself. Personally I have no idea where or even why your creating issues where none exist.

I will ask you again though:

Martin ... ??? Where did you get that from? ...

Just between you and I (Martin) I am getting frustrated with being asked so many questions where my response go without acknowledgement. Seems to be a pattern from where I sit. From what I have seen it's not just with me. Therefore I put it down to that just being you. I'm coming to accept it ... but for my own worth - it's worth mentioning; because I don't do well being left to hang and that's just me.

3rd person is insulting dude. Like hey - Dahila I apologize on Martin's behalf. Perhaps Martin's main issue is with culture, rather than race? Yadda Yadda

Thing is man ... you just insulted me as well by talking about D like that.

Grrrrrrrr ... I'm out of here.

I see you later D ... when I get back ... or later tonight after the wedding I make a post and upload some pictures.

Once again dude ... be careful how you hang yourself. I've been ridding on this other issue of being left to hang with so many questions from you. But I have no issue in raising it to your face ... I suggest you give D as much respect and don't talk to me like that about my friends.

D will be here soon enough to talk for herself. Like still? WTF where did all this come from???????? D has no issues of the like from my perspective. At any rate - offense taken. Note my personal issue I mentioned with you. Lots of questions then left to hang. I'm growing tired of it. Later martin.

Srry D :(

martin05

01-03-2018, 01:39 PM

"Where did that come from?"

I didn't answer as I thought the answer was obvious. Dahila said a few posts ago she didn't like the idea of her grandchild interrmarrying. "Yes thinking what my grandchild do in this *88***n world is intermarrying." A post ago she implied it was a global conspiracy against the white race.

While you were proselytizing, I was just trying to understand her point of view.

If I put words in your mouth Dahila, or misinterpreted you, then I'm sorry. You know I respect you and so was very much interested in your opinion.

Ponder

01-03-2018, 04:51 PM

I would not of asked if I understood. Due to the fact I did not read such as an 'issue' - I did not attach myself to said information. Therefore I could not recall it thus missed the trigger for your question.

As for the word proselytizing - Thx for your opinion.

I'll stick with the issue of talking in the 3rd person and having been left hanging. It's somthing that's been adding up and also rate as the real measure of one's lvl of respect.

For the most part we have got along ... but It's true I don't like to be left hanging. Your not the only one that constantly does that to me. Proposes Qs then leaves it at that.

I'm just too old school. Best leave it at that.

Ponder

01-03-2018, 05:10 PM

Of course I am a head case pure and simple. Miscommunication combined with low tolerance for whatever. D summed it up nicely with no longer scared to say what is. Fuck holding it in 24/7. Although sometimes it pays to give in and or submit here and there. For all my so called converting to that term you just used with me, well lets just say, what I say is just how I think. I don't give a flying fuck what others think. Clearly not. So it is I care less to convert but just spell it out as I fucking see it which is what I just did. Not here to convert. People can take it - or fucking leave it.

Any other terms for me?

Ponder

01-03-2018, 05:54 PM

Nearly There ...
https://preview.ibb.co/g1DCGb/2018_01_04_10_45_37.jpg

Ponder

01-03-2018, 06:17 PM

Time to get off the phone and use its GPS.

https://image.ibb.co/mHLv2G/20180104_111355.jpg

Nearly there.

martin05

01-03-2018, 08:07 PM

Disappointing you brought ego into the conversation. And you've created a story and an us vs. them situation, too.

Easy to lecture everybody else, hard to live by your own words, isn't it. I guess you too are just another sheep, led blindly by emotion and impulse.

Dahila

01-03-2018, 08:20 PM

I am here only for D. to give him support because opposite of you I do understand a lot about his or mine problems.............
D. I am fine, thank you :)

martin05

01-03-2018, 08:27 PM

Ok, so I misunderstood the first point. That happens. What did this mean, then? "Yes thinking what my grandchild do in this *88***n world is intermarrying."

P.s. I'm not young, I'm 63.

Dahila

01-03-2018, 08:40 PM

Last Saturday I lived for 40 min in worst nightmare, I was driving in the worst snow storm I had seen. I could not see the road, there was not indication of road. I do envy you Mr. P the clear roads.
We have incredibly cold temps in the last two weeks and for Friday and Saturday they call for over 20 cm of snow,,,,, :( again
As a result Panic attack a huge one ..........eh of course not when driving, I am too focused on driving to get panic attack but later on

Reason for edit; Mister M on ignore, does wonders to have some on it

Ponder

01-03-2018, 09:35 PM

Multitasking here D ... will read in full later on.

https://image.ibb.co/dtmo6b/2018_01_04_02_30_04.jpg

Ponder

01-03-2018, 10:18 PM

Your welcome over here any time D. :) somehow I think you might die of heat stroke.

Ponder

01-03-2018, 10:26 PM

Cool snap from semi high rise building
https://image.ibb.co/iWWuew/20180104_144615.jpg

martin05

01-03-2018, 10:43 PM

You're a liar, Dahila (Danuta). I found your Facebook page on a gardening site. It's filled to the brim with anti-muslim and anti-immigration content. Post after post you direct hatred at certain communities. Most noteably Muslims. You know you complained about intermarrying and so do I. Don't lie to me by saying I misunderstood because of a punctuation issue. There was no other reason to mention the word "intermarrying" if you didn't mean it. You just backtracked because Ponder had a very different view point to you and you're scared of falling out with him. So nice of you to take his side when he virtually accused your views of being racist. At least I tried to understand you and stick up for you, you snake.

And Ponder. You're about as big a hypocrite as it's possible to find. Filled to the brim with bitterness and ego. You lecture at every possible opportunity about how misguided and imperfect everybody else is, but then you do the exact same things as they do given an opportunity. If you had an ounce of integrity, you'd never criticise a living soul again. But we all know you'll be bashing the world again tomorrow (maybe even tonight!) completely ignoring the fact you too create endless stories, court conflict, and divide folks into us/them.
I also think you know your friend Danuta has some disturbing racist views, but you don't want to admit it because it goes against your world view. So you focus on me as it's easier than admitting the truth to yourself.

Ponder

01-03-2018, 11:15 PM

Seriously...thx for sharing. Just as I said with D, I will fully digest after this wedding lunch. Then I will reply in full. I do feel we have shared well at times ... many times. Just of late there's been a need to readress - and yes - I often find myself to be a hypocrite and don't like the feeling it brings when I see myself being that way. We can get past this if we try. Like I said ... I fully digest after this lunch. Truly ... thanks for sharing as you have. Is tottaly OK with me. D is D, I am me and you are you. It's OK. We work it out either in this moment or the next. Back soon enough. Time for a beer. Yes - Hypocrite I know.

Ponder

01-03-2018, 11:41 PM

Korean Food : )
https://image.ibb.co/itNBRb/2018_01_04_04_37_34.jpg

Ponder

01-03-2018, 11:46 PM

Yours Truly
https://image.ibb.co/kfU2XG/20180104_162037.jpg

Ponder

01-04-2018, 12:29 AM

Righto Martin ... I'm back at the B&B. Only had two beers and now just cooling down from the pretentious dress and all the steam it brings. I digest now and get back to you soon enough. Just know for me it's not so much about one's view but more the respect we give when reaching out or simply sharing or trying to connect. When I rant, I rant ... it's not personal - first let me read back with Ds response, then I also explain my own reactionary dribble as well ... then I digest more of your own context then see if I am able to bridge any kind of gap.

Ponder

01-04-2018, 01:50 AM

Yes D and I have known each other since oct 2013 when I first joined. I have come to feel that both D and I know that we both don’t always see as the other does. Yet there is so much we share that has helped us connect where others could not. I welcome the differences because of the ground we cover through mutual respect and a lvle of tolerance that most others would care less to muster during those times we misread, react and or plainly lose our heads.

I think it’s more to do with the fact that we both feel the same way despite our differences which I care even less to really focus on. I may welcome them, but it’s what I focus on that counts and I know D must feel the same way because we are still friends after so long … despite my own episodes, views and so on.
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You’re a good friend D and I am glad you pop in from time to time to check in on me. : ) It’s true when D say’s it’s her only reason to come here. I have often called during those times I get tired talking to myself.

Again – I don’t care about our differences or views … it’s more about respect when sharing with each other. We have always been fairly straight up.

Just reading your bit now martin about D being a liar and my being a hypocrite:
I did not accuse D of anything Martin. I contrasted your own words with my own truth. I did in without judgement, without even mentioning any one individual. I was very careful of that. Anything you read into it is of your own doing, not mine. There is a big difference in that. This is how I can respect D whilst at the same time bring to your own attention where I stand in terms of what I share – a couple of photos … a few reactionary words … then my own backtracking with a few edits to pull my own head in.

I don’t like the differences we humans inherently draw upon and then the judgments and following abuse that comes – but I will allow others to have their view if they are still willing to be friends with me knowing full we my own truth which to most who really know me … is plain to see. Publicly So.

Is why I do my little videos from time to time, share my photos as I have nothing to hide. Yes on occasion I will try to hide this or that feeling and show boat my self-inflated ego but for the most part, that hypocrite side whilst very real in all of us … is not that much of an issue with myself. I’m known more for my honesty and in fact been told I would do better to learn to lie for my own good. The latter I am often told by various job employment agencies. lol - Yet whilst I am hopeless at manipulating people and I can spot manipulators from a mile away. I think this is something both D and I are very good at. Actually in this category I think D and I are experts.

You take what I say very personally: (it's not meant to be directed at you - just as D's comments are not about you)
I have detected this of late and previously tolerated your probing questions. Your lack of reply to my effort in answering started to show me just how un-genuine you yourself really be.

Who are you and anyone else to tell others that we or they cannot rant against this pathetic world? It’s our view and we will share as we will. If I was really so bitter as allow all the venom to consume me, then why do I continue to share as I do? Do I look like I am having a hard time in my most recent photo? I do so well today because I am not afraid to share as I do. I believe this is the same for D because I too know of her pain and it’s very real, yet D is able to muster up what is required to no doubt put a smile on her grand child’s face when the world is choking on our ideals.

I back my views up with the real me. You can’t get much more real than that. Nothing phony about me. You think my flute playing is about ego? Takes a lot of humility to get in front of the camera and share one’s heart like that. Yes at times I am prone to the ego like we all are – but I don’t really believe my demeanour is anything like that. It’s taken me a lot to build my confidence up. Srry but I am going to have to reject your claims in regard to that. I work hard on finding reason to keep soldering on (using idealistic terms so that most in here can understand)

The world is crap and I will continue to spew out my view as I deem fit. You need to respect my view for what it is … and do so without all the deceptive questioning and especially the lurking of peoples social networking accounts clinging to their every word. I have seen D’s FB page – I am her friend. D is entitled to say whatever the fuck she wants. I don’t judge D because I might read something that does not chime with me. When I react to other people it only works out when I ask myself what is it about me that makes me react the way I do? The Buddha way helps me with things like that.
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For instance – I felt bad for going spastic and making a video about it thinking how could I allow myself to go off like that. Alas – I am glad I did. I learned I had not gotten over much at all and D latter hit the nail on the head explaining that we really don’t get over things as is often encouraged or prescribed. It’s more a case of learning to live with – or so I guess.

The other thing is I often affirm what I would like to do, yet I often wind up doing the complete opposite. I know this to be true – yet for the most part I do what I can in order to lessen the pain … which is why I prescribe for myself rather than go the usual quick fix route. Doing so requires spelling out the BS for the BS it really is. A lot of people do not like this as most are still asleep – acting like sheep, clinging to and reacting everything and everyone around them according to their experiences and preconditioning. It’s when I strike nerve that I others will shoot me a question without really taking the time to later follow it up after I have taken the time to further reply. As has been the case with you and I. I eventually grew tired of it my friend and then when you disrespected my other friend – well let’s just say I pulled you up for what It was.

I don’t care about your accusations about D – your lack of response in the past with myself I found to be disrespectful enough. I allowed that because that kind of disrespect is common place … sad but true. People say one thing but then do another. You can say what you want about me, but when it comes to doing what I say or leading my hand, I pretty much always follow through. Thing was, you kind of overstepped the mark when you started talking the way you did today in this here thread.

To me it’s a case where you are the one that has the issue – any accusation that is being made is being done by you. Not Me – I just shared my angle and you know what – even if what you say about D is true (I don’t believe it is) D supports me in ways that outweighs any said short comings. Who are we really to judge? If you don’t like other peoples view or the way you see them to be – then stop asking questions and leave them be.

If you want to bridge the gap then fine … talk about things that help us connect. The last couple of posts between D any myself are of a commiseration that we both agree. Don’t rob us of that – Just come on in from another angle and open up discussing other topics that wont feed your one's monkey … or so to speak. We all got one … maybe two monkeys sitting on our sholders .

At any rate … My son has just walked in with a can of Jack Daniels – Think I will now go digest some of that.

Srry for the stress – is what is … happy to move on … but not if it’s going to be more blaming and shaming. I think we have all had enough of that.

We don’t all have to see the same way – but it helps to try and get along. If we can’t then best to leave others alone.

Ponder

01-04-2018, 03:11 AM

My grandson taking in the views - He recently sat on my lap and played Train Simulator 2017 on my PC - The experience really helped him process this scene. :) I thought it was a real treat myself:

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4692/39488213881_804ca340b3_h.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/23arqeP)

This one I call Bridging The Gap - Martin I regret the way things worked out today. Is there any way we just let things ride and move on? I'm srry I was unable to be more tactful. I know we still have a lot in common. I know there is a lot about me that's not right. You've said a lot of stuff that's made a lot of sense. Just saying I'm willing to leave the door open this end. I just wish we could all get along. I understand if I have done my dash. Night night. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4690/39462629312_4af0b8ddd7_h.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/238bhQy)

Regretfully
~Ponder :(

Dahila

01-04-2018, 10:21 AM

Beautiful photo, especially the little Joey, The wedded couple very beautiful they really are, both of them.
just so you know M is on ignore, I am stating again I am here for you and like to see Gypsy too. I edited my posts too
M does a lot of cunning and manipulating people here, there is a war going on against Ponder and Dahila, How come Anne says for years that I am on ignore but I am not, i never was on her list of ignore,
It happens the moderators know a lot about it, People think that moderating is not existing here? They wrong

Ponder

01-04-2018, 01:41 PM

Nothing has changed for me D. Nothing to apologize for. :) My Son gave my wife the bouquet and I took his ring box and thought why not ... let's try once more. This was the result:

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4736/24636180187_5e23f4d8a5_b.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/Dx1S4n)

Always warms the heart to see our partners smiling. :) No bitterness to be found here - just one's ability to soldier on. 'rolls eyes' Don't you ever change D - your ability to vent yet retain your compassion is a valuable trait. It helps when we see all the sides of a persons character, not just that which we like to attack. Although the latter is something we all find easy to do and thus go about attacking each other on a whim when feeling low. I'm talking about my wife and I right here and now. Her battle with MS and resulting major depressive disorder or whatever lable one would ascribe ... and then me - Hard Core Head Case to the Max! - it's systemic in our family - in human kind point blank. It's not easy trying to make the most out of a sad situation when you have no wedding to attend.

You know me D - for the most part at least ... I do try and get back up despite tripping so many times. You are the same! Just don't be a stranger on me now - don't let yesterdays derailment sway us from what works.

Is another day today - time to make yet another move. Once we stop moving ... we become susceptible to self harming and sadly harming others. Its no easy ride on this plain. IMS says that best.

What is moving? Moving is quiet mind and it's typically in the act of moving that my mind finds peace. This involves meditation which is no movement at all. Life is full of contradictions is it not? Shall we then call life a hypocrite? Not meaning to cling to what you said Martin ... I am just learning from it is all. I often think back and question what I have said and what I do. It's a big deal to me. Is why I do what I do ... keep moving ... keep talking ... keep breathing.

Wishing you all well.

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4594/27727965939_146c49ea2c_b.jpg

Well wadaya know ... green lights all the way. Cool! : )

Dahila

01-04-2018, 02:35 PM

it is beautiful, seeing your wife with happy smile, enchanting ;)
it does not matter how many times you fell, it is important that you get up and go on :)

Ponder

01-05-2018, 03:22 PM

Thx for kind words. :) Back Home D - same ol drama but new year. Little fella is throwing up. We think he caught a bug of his baby 2nd cousin which is all well and good. Then his mother got her finger stuck in a blender which required as to drop everything and drive to the other side of town asap. I ended up spending a &^$@ load on soft gauze, tape, antiseptic and so on - when we got there the cut was not that deep - GRRRRRRRR ... (alas I admit I am glad for her finger it could of been a lot worse!) ... is the story of our lives I guess - we feed each others angst.

New year hey ... is only catching up with me now. That Xmas gathering and then the wedding back to back ... too much for me. My routine is shot to pieces ... have to start again ... yet again. I have to make up a new mental health plan. Lots to do in fact.

Time to eat. :)

Dahila

01-05-2018, 07:09 PM

yeah every day the something happens. I left the message for you , hey it made me upset like hell but hey, I am back on my feet and running. You know me a moment of despair and I start to feel ok. I hope the little one feels better soon, I do not envy you the rush to ER with your daughter. I had it with my son, all the time in emergency room, stitches and stitches.
Still snowing and I wonder if I will be able to leave the house tomorrow. Keep your fingers crossed for me , Till next time

Ponder

01-05-2018, 10:04 PM

In FB? I am reading you and srry there seems to be others as well. At least those you don't know about? What's with that anyways? I swear non of the vids or pics I have shown have had FB on them? Your the only person other than Cully I have on FB from this forum.

Beats the hell out of Me???

Ps I have bugger all friends on FB. I just don't use it that much. It's toxic as far as I can see.

Fingers crossed. :)

Ponder

01-05-2018, 11:33 PM

You know what ... don't answer that. Lets just move on hey. Let the negative mind set run it's course rather than feed it. Don't be a stranger now D. :)

Dahila

01-06-2018, 04:34 AM

no I am not, today what an irony I look at the clock and was sure it was 6:30 but it was just after 5 am so my day is going to be long ..... Let's not waste any space on them. oN FB I have you, Cully, Jesse, gypsy. Nixon moved on, and deactivated the account.

Ponder

01-06-2018, 05:13 AM

Righto :) ... I see what you mean D. Just saw the dribbling kids having a hard time with hearing how life really is. It's only toxic if we allow it to be. You fell into the same trap I often do myself. Walking into a space that only feeds on negative banter and is closed off to all else. The woes me mentality. Different to the commiseration we often share. Woes me is poor me - it's everyone else's fault - where as 'fuck society' is more about it is what it is, take the label but don't beleive in that shit. Not being afraid to say it like it is. Yep these forums indeed be soap boxes for those who know how to use the soap. Is a good place to come and have a good wash. It don't work if you just go along with what everyone else says. That's for fucking sheep! ... and we know where the mentality leads.

They are just kids D and the others well even ourselves in a mall adjusted states ... we be kids as well. I see just as many 50 and 60 yolds playing childish games as well. I've been enduring both sides for a while ... which is why I normally just focus on in here. :) Doing so has served me well all these years. You know the bent out of shape kind don't like to see others doing so well. It even happens with us. I know ... I admit it myself.

The best way to dis-empower others who wish to harm you with words is to take them on board in a way where those terms that ring true enough ... you take them words and go YEA ... true ... what can I do to make it better? COOL ... yea that might work!!!

Them forget them, let them ride with their own discomfort as they struggle with their own truths as they best process them. Yelling, screaming and or just plain bitching ... is the way of the world. Praise be to Jesus. LOL Like whatever works - Right?

heheheeee fuck em D. Is all right in here you know. let em dribble as they do. If people don't want to read then they won't read - if they want to read then that's find too. It's their choice.

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So anyways ... grabs a bar of soap and soaps up. I downloaded a torrent - UM MAR!!!! Naughty Boy. Pfffft ... LOL ... TrainZ ... another awesome game that's more a tool for model railway builders. I mentioned it once before. I don't think I will ever have the money for that hobby, but this software brings the hobby to life on ones desktop or in my case laptop. It really is FUCKING AWESOME ... fuck yea ... Praise Jesus ... Thank You ... Oh Lordy Lord!!! Woops ... I think some remnants of negative energy outside this threads front door creeping in. heheheheeeeee

Where was I ... Oh yea ... I upload in here a little later.
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Poor old Max will be passing soon. I can feel it. I've been feeling really guilty for fracturing his leg back when he was a pup. I threw him on the ground too hard where his basically had a limp ever since. I wont go into details except to say it was very much an accident that I have never really been able to live down. He has been the only dog we have gone full term with out of a few others we had in our younger day. I don't beleive we will be getting another pet due to the life time commitment pets are meant to be. It's going to be hard on the kids although they have had some close enough family pass over the years ... Uncle Danny being one. Yep - Life is to short to worry about unrelated and inconsequential matters.

Have you had any recent deep thinking's on the big picture D? Just looking forward to the end of time perhaps? It helps not to just think it terms of our own end as it does feel good to know this world too will end. I know how you refer to humans going first and like the world recovering without such infestation ... but I think is good the sun will soon enough engulf this rock. So much for the heaven on Earth story when you factor in the science when science is said to be worth factoring that is. For some ... one moment it is ... but then the next it's not. Go figure. Richard Dawkins would have a field day with that one.

I am holding out for the cooler months of the year D ... perhaps you are for the warmer ones on your end? Plants have an optimal time of year ... we'll be right soon enough. As long as your able to type and have the will to do so D ... I urge you to keep hitting out those keys in a way that best makes you feel ... more so at peace. If that means dumping all the heavy shit in order to float ... then by all means - say it like if fucking is! Smiles. It's not about pleasing others. We come to places like this to help ourselves and when reaching out during those time we think we may be of use to others ... that does not mean telling others what they wish to hear. Eventually the nappies have to come off ... even for those still in their 60s. LOL ... just kidding my friend. Just kidding. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/laughing-hysterically-smiley-emoticon.gif

OK ... my render has finished. I upload it later when done. Is just me trying to make sense out of that Model Railway Building software I mentioned. The mic over is actually quite low because I never took the time to test it out as I do with most of the screen recording apps and games I play. Too tired I guess. A lot of us got sick with some kind of virus ... happens when you mingle with too many others ... apparently the little baby picked it up on his first day at day care. Yet another sad story of have we humans now live. Why the fuck we still having kids?

Anways D --- Life is too short ... OR is is to long? lol ... full of ironies to be sure.

Take care ... Thinking you, yours and mine ... catch up soon. ; )

Ponder

01-06-2018, 10:32 AM

In order to keep the soap box going .... another Vlog entry:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hy3ddU9HbuM&feature=youtu.be

Very Relaxing and therapeutic. :)

Ponder

01-06-2018, 03:10 PM

Apologies D. Only just saw your response. I was tried last night after yet again allowing myself to be distracted by me PC games.

Good Old Time :) ... We invented it and are paying for doing so ever since. Eckhart Tolle talks a lot how TIME as we know it / invented it holds us back more than the claims of intellects who would argue that time organised us into any kind of 'better' species. WOOPS ... there might be a sermon coming on again. Shhhhhhhhhh - might wake the kids up.

Excellent points yet again D!!! Integrity in all those names you mention and see how they gravitate together outside this platform. It matters not how long for but more the quality of connection during the time connected. Does that make sense? Bare with me here as I take your point and whilst without really caring I take my own advice and take on the words of others who would rather see us run. If anything the childish behavior that we all go on with is that which clings to all that drama and loves to mingle in all that banter that's based on easy peasy cliche, metaphors - you you know ... all that preconditioned bs sheep line up for. Shallow and pretentious comments that in fact keep others away. "Oh not another one of those kiddy forums where those poor young ones have suffered for so oh long? lol ... there's more irony for ya.

SAS is majorly effected with this condition. Social Anxiety Support Forum - It's popularity is what drives the cancer in that place. Again for me it's more about the quality of connection and if I know one thing about this world, you wont find peace in a place that's driven by it's numbers. More over this pathetic and constant niggling in here over forum activity is more a cry from others missing out on the space to dribble frivolous and obnoxious garbage that only feeds the labels these platforms were supposedly set to alleviate the negative effects.

In this way I totally agree when you refer to the toxicity in places like these. It's a great topic that can be used to reflect back the superficial banter that comes from disgruntled forum users who do not like to use the ignoring feature. If the forum is good enough, then they will use said feature and move on ... if not ... they will continue to dribble "Oh We are praying for you" Like WTF ... that is going to do more damage in a secular forum which is why I said, rejected religious types that can't get along with their own 'group" the latter being a big issue with ideals like that ... aka US & THEM.

We have been around a long time D and have seen all those pit falls where through no fault of their own the younger ones require more time in order to see. It's normal for them to lash out like so. However lurking peoples private lives just proves how sick those individuals really be. The getting together and publicly attempts at shaming and all that kind of thing. I just put it all out there. Abusers hate that. I'm so fickle it's kind of dangerous for those types to play games with me. lol I smile because most people like that don't mind pointing the finger and calling those they single out retards, but oh how they are concerned at the work in manipulating such oblivious individuals. So it's not just a case of ignoring these shallow selfish types but also requires a lelve of intent to keep being one;s self for to deviate is it give the other some form of power which is all they want. They are nothing but powerless people in a power hungry world. We all are!

Hope that iggy button is working well for them, if not perhaps they might learn something?

Time to get me some sun. Charge up my battery some.

Keep being you D and will do the same for me. One big happy family in here is who we be. hehehehehe. Humans who needs em? lol @ mood swings as well. That be nothing more than Cycles and there is nothing wrong with cycles ... it's who we are and how the universe ticks. Just ask mother nature. Alas ... humans would rather control here as opposed to learning from her. Is who we inherently be and live in a system that relies on us to be selfishly driven. aka consumption - We all consume but what is it that we are consuming and what's it's impact? Are these the questions we here from these would be shallow types that only know how to consume without question? No ... I find that more sad than I do toxic - but only whilst I am strong enough to keep afloat ... it is tiring for sure D and yea ... then it's toxic.

Facing challenges is what we do. I've spoken many times on this front but the fact is I'm not preaching to those that claim I do. Smiles at that one because is so true. This point is really my strong point and I also know it's yours. It really is the only thing of worth that keeps us going. That commiseration that still makes a stand against the irony which be our daily challenge of living in this world. I know you get that. Is worth more than gold. Such will always fall on death ears to those that are now so frustrated with us. But is good ... we takes thems words and use it to make us stronger.

I've covered well enough now those shallow claims and injected a good bit of reality that has us come off stronger - for lack of a word. Places like this need balance ... more importantly folks like us need balance point blank ... we ME need balance. I sum up by saying that whilst you take medication, you do so much more else and understand in ways beyond their chemically limited perceptions - mostly because your not poisoned in the same way as them. You don't allow your meds to control you like that. These ones are climbing at the walls with much of what we say because it requires more than a vocabulary that goes beyond meds.

With those ones D - is pretty much as simple as that. I just make it a point to take their hate filled words and use them to fathom whats's really going on. It's not the medicine per say, but the US and Them which is rife within those idealistic groups, militant, religious, patriotic and need I go on ... each time I nail it even better from my point of view and NOPE ... they will never shut me up ... in fact the more they dribble the more passionate I get. I say passionate rather than strong because strong gets tired too and with age we slowly burn out as is they way it's intended. So in the regard I like to think I am speaking for us both because I know where your coming from when you repeatedly say this toxic place.

I continue to stay here D because as you know I am genuinely short circuited and the structure of this place without such authority reigning down with it's agenda based intention allows for complex hard cases like me express as I must. I would reason this place would be more shallow than it is without myself, but I don't want to inflate my ego more than the others are already doing for me. lol hehehehehehehheee

OK I best get off ... this was a blast. Thanks for the opportunity iron out the kinks my good little righteous friends. We now surround you with a blanket of protection from the good Lord Almighty. You are free from guilt to do and say what ever you wish for I have spoken in Christs Name and when doing so I am absolved of all responsibility! I can now do anything!

Like I said ... these guys missed the sign post back @ Yahoo Christian Chat. But that's OK ... Pull up a seat guys ... is there anything else you would like to drag up?

Dahila

01-06-2018, 04:31 PM

you make me laugh D. Yes people who wants to climb on our backs and belittle us, are the ones who suffer the most and do not know what to do with it,
Let them be , some are so naive that they have the "refreshing intelligence" . sorry it is the second time but I can not think about it without laughing outloud.
Manipulators, cowards will be here a short time, I miss people like J. Nixon, IMS they make sense ..........well I am so tired , I looked in the morning at my clock without glasses and thought is 6 am and it was 5 so long day but not so bad considering the cold weather we have. -23Celsius in the morning. I will be back later or tomorrow
Thanks for wonderful chat and post ;)
BTW the people who keep us on "ignore" never use the option
Editing ; I am so sorry about Max. I went through it and I can not do it again. The comfort of not saying goodbye to them is really important for me.

D. do you know why barrel without anything in is so loud when you knock? :)

Ponder

01-07-2018, 01:55 AM

LOL D ... now you make me laugh - re barrel. Nice one ... very witty:)

There is some warm weather in Sydney's western suburbs. Whilst weather stations reported 47.3 Degrees Celsius, it got as hot as 52 Degrees Celsius ... that's like 125+ fahrenheit
http://www.abc.net.au/news/2018-01-07/sydney-hits-its-highest-temperature-recorded-in-79-years/9309552

Not long now D ... No long now ...

Dahila

01-07-2018, 09:13 AM

we have opposite, I would die in this temps, my suffering in high temps are terrible, I prefer winter but will no so frigid temps than summer, 52 C Jeez how can you survive it? yep @barrel I hear a lot of empty spaces here;)
just look at the statistics how many people check us up :)

Ponder

01-07-2018, 03:11 PM

I don't know D ... I am doing my best to see the mid point of summer out. Each summer just keeps getting hotter! The sun has finally stopped rising higher in the mornings. (touch wood) The hardest part of summer not just the intense UV and Heat but the fact the sun is high very early. From a Circadian Perspective this is starting to effect me. This means walking at 7am (generally like to go around 5ish) in the morning can actually be uncomfortable if you missed a few days of walking or just plain not used to it. I let my self slip this summer and am feeling it early in the mornings past 7 am.

IMO this is driving more of us indoors. We have already been soften up with aircon tech from our cars, to malls and everywhere in between. In fact the power to drive this tech is outputting the ingredient that's heating the &^^$@ing planet up. As for renewable energy, our &^%!ed up country is still using coal!!! &^$!ing insane. Oh well.

I would do well to start getting back up early now. Especially since the sun is starting to slowly recede from those early stages of the day. I am a morning person and have been greatly effected with the sun beating down as hard as its been at those early points of the day.

See what happens ... I went for a walk first time since wedding. : ( and : )
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Stats - meh ... but yea I get your meaning. People forget about the amount of people reading the forum point blank. Their just pissed using that forum activity BS excuse when directing their bitterns towards us because they don't like others who object or speak out. People know we are affected as well. It's why we are here. No offence intended D. We do not profess to be cured and nor to we preach anywhere near as claimed by these disgruntled sheep. We are just two worn out battle axed hardened freaks not afraid to say what's on our mind. Popularity contests and or being seen to fit the trend is not something that holds us back. The fact is there are a LOT of people out there hurting who are unable to speak, yet they understand us better than those hollow types. They are active through reading is all ... which for me is good enough. I am thankful for their presence!

Another way to say it ... is that yea ... I see the stats. I choose to see it more not of those that hate looking on ... but more as the silent majority reading on. In that way, I am more able to hone my words in a way that's more self healing than anything else. I know my cycles well and not afraid when others struggle with the use of 'mood' LOL - I get accused of that often ... but is OK ... I am now making more sense of it for all the hate. : )

Is a good cycle now in fact as like I say ... the sun I feel has yelled all it needs for this year. For sure there is a lot more to come of the next month to six weeks. Alas ... I just feel for this year at least ... we have sustained the brunt of it and now is time for me at least ... to get back outside and move on. In a way that only I know how. Perhaps time to start doing some more of me Vlog therapy vids.

Hmmm sounds like a plan.

Anyways ... thanks for once again becoming a little active yourself. Much appreciated D. It not the forum that's toxic. Its more about what we choose to take on. Yet ... I respect the form of trigger it can be dependent on where one is at in this &^%!ed up plane. I'm just trying to encourage you while yet respecting your needs.

just don't ware yourself out like I often do myself. That said ... getting back up seems automatic now. lol

All good.

Have a great day D and as well as all the others having a good read.

Adios ... until next post.

Dahila

01-07-2018, 04:36 PM

Hi I am finally rested and relaxed the temps went up so I am planing to go outside tomorrow, I will die of claustrophobia in house. Yes I think you are the best when go with the sun. I remember your pics at 5 oclock am, or the sunrise...
I think there so many people who are in forum and are not desperate enough to ask for help or are so depressed that the do not ask.
young people from anywhere 1- and up are suffering in this ****k** world. eh
I am like IMS when you get older and stop carry at all the anxiety is slowly backing up. I have a problem to deal with stress as you do, I get irritated, upset, pissed, you name it,
I do not smoke, drink or do drugs so there is no place for me to hide, just to talk to friends , do not have many of them who do understand anxiety and fear........Maybe most people do but they feel is is a weakness.
I think people with anxiety or any other mental disabilities are the strongest, they survive against the odds. Day after day........

Ponder

01-07-2018, 05:39 PM

... but at what cost? Finding a system of feeling to get to the other side is where it's at for me. Is it worth it? What's on the other side?

Glad the temps are moving in a better direction. Cycles. : )

Ponder

01-07-2018, 09:22 PM

Just down at the one of the local mental health facility. The one I normally go to. lol at the recent comment suggesting that I must be mentally defective. It's usually those ones you just mentioned that state the obvious. : ) It's just opened back up after the Xmas break. Although I was having a break from attending towards the end of the year, I must admit I have been missing the encouraging notes, posters and so on about the place. Just now looking.

Not many folk here. Seem like there is an intake going on just to the left of me, whilst others are out in an outdoor activity. Monday's Group. Is usually a good group that one. One I have enjoyed most times I've gone. I just took a snap shot but will post edit back at home as was a quick snap due to not wanting to draw attention. No one is in it so I will post it later on. Just keeping records ... you know me D - Like to keep it real! Not much fake about me.
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Thinking more about your responses - Is true for me when I ponder about those passing by. For those questioning forum activity and once again this includes those reading - this forum still hits up third down from the list on the first page of google. Go figure. Nothing wrong with this forums status when you factor this in.

Reality D - We can't blame those so sensitive to the terms anxiety and depression- but we can point the obvious out even if it falls on deaf ears. Better in than out - right? ← Edit - Prime example of my dyslexia getting the best of me ... no wonder I am missunderstood → better out than in is what I meant.

Yea - I know ... ZZZZZZZzzzzzz tired I understand - getting to that point where all that backed up pressure dulls the fear. Not quite as simple as that for it also obscures our perception as well - at least if I am to be honest. For the most part though our latest discussions have been on target for my liking. I just need to be careful or we ... that we don't dig the hole deeper than it already is creating unnecessary pain through too much focusing on what obviously does not work.

Sigh - I don't know. Just passing the time a little is all. did a long stretch looking after the little one who's been struggling with an illness the last couple of days. I think he is slowly getting better. I mostly do what I can to keep his spirits up as well as keep his systems evenly cooled during this insane heat. Sadly both him and his mother live in an old weatherboard hose that acts more like a sauna during this extreme season. Alas ... that too we are past the worse of. Will only get better from here on out.

Might go see the others as I believe I can now hear them - returns from their outdoor trip.

Whilst down here - I'll read some encouraging poems. :)

Ponder

01-07-2018, 11:05 PM

Where some of us go other than just using the forum to reach out:

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4730/24702674257_6293912118_o.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/DCTEqR)

Turns out there were no groups on. I was informed when one of the staff came out in the parking lot to see if I was alright after I decided to get up and go home. The peer workers were busy doing other things prepping for the weeks activities intended to start next week. They usually make it a habit to connect with people when they first walk in and offer up whatever help may or may not be desired or required. Despite the fact is can at times become rather clinical with the changes recently being made under the NDIS National Disability Insurance Shceme - the Peer Based work is not so bad when you feel the workers are genuine in their attempts. Way better than your average hospital and or mainstream government 1st line of defense re mental health. lol at the latter term. Mental Health on the NDIS is at best sketch for now. That said it does seem to be impacting the way these services are reaching out; despite claims "Nothing changes." What do I know ... I'm just a long time service user. :)

That said ... I'm not going to dis the service point blank. We need them more than ever! I am glad they exist. I just went on the very quiet day like when school opens back up but not holding classes. Going in and reading all the positive stuff on the walls was good for me. The positive stuff is not overly done either. I think they get that many of us are over all that. Had it been busy I would not of been able to pull off this shot. I've been wanting to snap one like this for a whiles. They only just moved into a new building. It's now government funded but not what I called 1st referral material. Most people before getting here have already gone through quite a few channels. Not always ... but mostly.

They do one to ones where like I say ... is facilitated by individuals that have lived experience in mental health issues rather than credentials solely based an intellectual capacity. That said - the peer workers are pretty clean and stable. Much more effective than that 1st line of defense I previously mentioned. Interns and complacent white coats that then lead to hard core peer workers not so clean and stable typically found at the first point of call Mental Health Service are places best left as stepping stones. The facility above is more about long term support for those who wish to help themselves. Completely voluntary and self referral. Others can recommend the place, but if your not into attending - then you probably wont.

I guess I am just highlighting that there are other places out there than just in here.

Even though the place was empty this day, I still felt a little recharged after walking out. The guy that hurried over to check on my in the car park when leaving also bolstered my hope for having attended. I made the previous post in a cool room using the communal PC and also made a coffee; my one and only for today. Hmmmm ... to hell with it I have one more. :)

"A place for poorly adjusted people with health and social issues" ... mmmmm ... narr I don't like the sound of that ... it's rather negative don't you think?

A place that accepts people for whom they be; not the labels others project. More over a place for individuals active in their recovery.

I must make appointment on the way out of GPs tomorrow for my new mental health plan which allows me so many visits to see the psychologist that also helps me.

Time to start perking up and affirming more of my usual plans. Nothing hypocrisy in that. hehe ...

Remember EFT - "Even though ... all this negative stuff ... I deeply and completely accept myself." Must also contact mentor and check appointments for that as well.

Yes D ... this year will be OK.
__________________________________________________ __

That's today story. Happy to share.
~Ponder

Dahila

01-08-2018, 08:13 AM

I have a major snow storm but temps are ok so I am planning to go outside to get some fresh air, I had been reading about the heat wave in Australia it is so hot that roads are ruined, Jeez keep you and your family Safe!
Good the little star is getting better.
I remember 20 years ago saying that you have panic attack it was such stigma, now that is changing, I do not hide my anxiety anymore,
I hate labels too. That place looks so very neat and inviting.
The cost of surviving is high , that's true but we do it for our loved one. Do we not? If I was completely alone, I would be gone already. I know so many people depend on you which add to the stress and worry eh D. I am here ;)

Ponder

01-08-2018, 03:13 PM

:( He broke his arm/elbow [fracture] yesterday after returning him home - No ones fault!!! (You know how people like to use this stuff against each other! Still I tell it like it is!) He is a little stick of Dynamite. My wife is amazing. I could not deal with hospital. Me enough problems lel alone little one's asd which took 5 people to hold him down for blood test last time round. In this issue my wife was the strong one. Our daughter is also doing a great job as well. I think the little one will now slow down a little more. :)

Thanks D you know me well ... yes the last few months have been very hard, but your right ... I am needed.

I go now as again am needed. Lot of support to give.

Thanks for yours D. Much appreciated. You have kept me smiling heaps these last few posts. Do they not realize they only make it worse for themselves when they attack us personal like so? Sigh ... Some mothers do have em I guess.

Other than a broken arm ... we are safe enough. :) Life goes on. Glad you got some crispy air to keep your mind in good stead.

Have a good day all.

Dahila

01-08-2018, 05:25 PM

yeah I know how it goes, my son started to get stitches at young age 10 months, He was like little one always moving, never calm and in one place, I thought he can be in few places at once. Thanks to my mom somehow I had raised him, however I got my portion of waiting in hospitals for his operation; open break on leg (jumping into moving car), wrist, and few others things. .........
I told you before I do not know how you do it, without falling down. People do not know you or me they have no idea.........

Ponder

01-08-2018, 06:48 PM

Well, those who stick around and take the time to read have all the opportunity to get to know us as I hold nothing back. What you said in that other thread re the BS on Curing One's Depression - Pfffft - is SO TRUE. That's what I like about you. You see it all and also not afraid to express how you see. Not to worry D ... We are there for her as well as the little one. She and all my kids are as close to my heart as the little one. It's sadder still that you get sheep in here that wish to defend society, yet I think more a case they find our words to harsh - too close to home. I agree Fuck Society! I just thought I would say it in here to give you the last word over there.

Lisa says it all started with my daughter when a teacher took away her friend and made her sit in a place she felt all alone. (Not teachers fault - is our Systems Value On Authority!) From there she never seemed to recover - all those traits my grandson and I are being DXed with ... she too struggle with many of the same. Of course to varying degrees. Sadly denial has taken hold with a sense of superiority and a yearning to be so much more than she already be. As I commonly say ... but is the truth of the matter with how our fucked up system expected us to be. -Us & Them- Earn or Fucking Learn as to Swim or fucking Sink!

I thank you for what you said about my daughter. Often we try to hide from such things. I understand fully her expression - [Remember how I said the judge victimized her in court over that fucking child abuser - Grrrrrr) It's a fucking cruel world for kids and it's only set to get a fucking lot worse!!! BUT - it's all about learning to live with the truth instead of burring it. They don't want us to say anything ... Alas ... we do what we can to inspire - mostly by making jokes and laughing at these would be refreshing intellects. She too get's a good kick laughing at such types. Is good for the soul. I can still make her laugh despite our mall adjusted family dynamic:
https://image.ibb.co/h0U0Rm/simpsons.png

I thought you might also like the following:

https://image.ibb.co/etmde6/Jesses_Wedding.png

Also please to report still on speaking terms with my eldest son who unfortunately is not in this pic. I think I go ring him now.

Adios ... Until Next Post. ;)

Dahila

01-08-2018, 07:00 PM

wow, I was going to ask about the oldest. The bride is so tiny, they look beautiful. If I did not know you I would think you are very happy there, Lisa is. Which is excellent for her, as much good moments as long as it lasts. I hope it is going to be long time, and sending her the best vibes.
I do remember the situation with the judge. :(
My dear daughter went through process like that, it took years for her to recover to get to accept herself, she is now very calm and doing very well :) So is my grandchild with excellent mom :) till next time

Ponder

01-09-2018, 04:10 AM

I thinks it's still going to be a case of mummy's and daddy's fault for a while yet with that one. We have all been through that to some degree. Thankfully we have mended the bridge enough that either of us can ring the other. Glad to hear your daughter has come out the other side with well balance grand child and of course ... grandmother. :)

I've started doing my digital train set. :) It's like painting in 3D ... then I get to take a virtual ride through the world I create. More on that later:

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4704/24725307647_1ef1b4ed7a_h.jpg (https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4704/24725307647_9324618b54_o.jpg)

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Grandson is adjusting to the cast and broken bone well enough. Both Lisa and I had Vegan Pizza over at our daughters. Her Shout. :)

Dahila

01-09-2018, 06:58 PM

It looks awesome, why I do not have games like that? :)

Ponder

01-10-2018, 12:18 AM

Seeing as I can't really answer that question, I'll take it as a statement. :) It's the third intense game in a row in as many weeks. lol Farm Simulator 17, Train Simulator 2018 and now TrainZ A New Ea. The latter is more like a full demo version for me that allows me to create routes but unable to drive any routes other than those I create. I like the game very much and intend to purchase when I have funds. That way I can download routes and install more assets which will allow me to work with more models.
_____________________

On other fronts ... hmmm ... damn cyst like pimple or whatever it is in the middle of my tongue is getting annoying. The doc wants another week of oral hygiene treatments before making her next move. Been like a month for me and next time I attend appointment will be two weeks seeing the doctor. I ask for it to be lasered but she said a few more tests before referral to surgeon.

Going to have a break tomorrow. Day to myself ... will catch up on my own chores.

Back in full swing with mentoring program - have to wait another 2 weeks before applying for next mental health plan. Then can work on finishing DX re Adult ASD. Once that is done my support worker, psychologist will assist with application re NDIS which will further assist with more plans re mental health. I've got a lot of info to sort through but Lisa is helping me with that too. The way things are going, the little fella looks like he will be getting assistance too. It's a fight that like things in this life ... but we have been doing for so long ... we'll fight to meet the needs in order to receive!!! Is not about a white picket fence any more - you got to fight tooth and nail to fit the requirement as hand outs these welfare payments no longer be. Alas ... we let those sheep think and preach welfare mentality sermons if doing so floats their boat. Just not in my earshot as I'll debunk that projection quick smart.

"Hi how you doing?" is more open as opposed to 'What do you do!" The latter an oppressive view point that plays into the welfare mentality sermon. Sigh ... The more they post question filled with judgment, the more people who will be applying for benefits. Go figure. : ) ... I'm just an observer because I no longer play the game. I'm just jumping through hoops from here on out. I suggest others start doing the same. Is easy to let go of all that drama ... all the BS about economic and social status. As long as you can pay rent, eat and get from A to B ... there's really not much else you need. Anything else is just a bonus or in many cases ... a ball and chain.

You know ... when I ask the old codger 'How you doing?' and then replied to his BS question 'What do you" with "I do nothing!" He match my sarcasm with more bitterness than I could muster as I was kind of smiling while he just got more narky.

Any suggestions D for how I handle these judging questions when I go to say hello?

I mean like "SO What do you do?"

Ponder

01-10-2018, 12:27 AM

Grumpy Old Bastards:

https://image.ibb.co/m3vGj6/what_do_you_do.jpg
How about "I do lots of things ... none of which will satisfy you." lol I think not.

We can do better than that D ???

What do you think? ← Perhaps a counter question. :)

I know ... "Srry I did not realise this was a J-O-B Interview?"http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/rolling.gif

Ponder

01-10-2018, 02:23 AM

Just purging ... ZZZZZZZZZZZ been looking into spiritual healing D. Yet again. It's a cycle. : ) You know me. Talk more later. :)

Dahila

01-10-2018, 07:05 AM

no just smile, and say, I do a lot of different things, and what DO you do? this is how I talk about what I do , when not with my customers, they already know what I do ;)
I like to play dumb; How do you do ?

Ponder

01-10-2018, 03:58 PM

Thx D :) Sounds like good advice. Glad I asked. :) Subconsciously I think I was prepping a topic on the value we place on ourselves and others. In that regard our Society is pretty much that hollow barrel/drum you mentioned earlier. Knock Knock? : )

I had a little 15 minute quite meditation this morning. One of those ones where it's just about no thoughts at all. I woke up really tired this morning. Although on time for my healthy routine (5am) I decided meditation would sit better than forcing myself to do my one hour long walk. I reasoned I have drained myself a lot over the last few days re other people whilst focusing on my new bout of routine. The meditation seems to of worked. Thankfully my past efforts which although spasmodic in short periods do in fact add up over time as long as I keep returning to said practice as I do with all those things I actually like. I know what works and meditation is high on that list. Sigh ... and smiles at the same time.
_______________________________

Yea ... like I said before I am back into Spiritual Healing at the moment. Connecting the dots. Just like going back to what works - I am finding the process a little easier and more effective each time I come back to it. Just was well I am more able to let the conflicts slide; there are many in the spiritual world as there is to relgion and worldly ideals; just not as dogmatic.

Reiki is my focus atm, although there seems to be just as much a consumerist market to that ... as say Yoga and the like. For many its more about rubbing their hands together as if making a genie pop out of the bottle. Warning bells go off with the Law of Attraction doctrine now popping up with its distorted perception on well being and prosperity. Hmmm Perhaps spirituality today is = in its conflicts to religion and world ideals? I know the term GOD is completely worn out. Alas my own perception is exactly that ... my own! I sift out the word GOD and all related biblical stories from various presenters over the web and still find a lot of insight to be had. In some ways I think the confusion is as meant to be. It's all in the sifting ... the journey so to speak. The latter cliche now being as worn out as GOD.

Seeing Auras - is also on the cards but is very hard see past the quackery and misguided reasons people wish to see. This kind of brings me back to this issue of filtering out our distorted perceptions of why we are even bothering to seek as we do. What is it that we are running from and or tuning to? Yadda yadda ... perhaps comes back to the hollow barrel when trying to fathom why it is that we do what we do. QUICK FIX comes to mind with the many out there talking to the talk Vs walking the walk yet to even think in such terms is a judgement approach which then is a closed mind that shuts out the truth. I think now of the symbol Distant Healing with the context of past and future being an illusion with intention being more the point of focus that defines the here and now. Yea ... that works well for me. That flash of insight is a combination of concepts throughout Reiki, Mindfulness, Buddhism, down to authors such a Tolle himself.
_______________________

...but like I say there is a LOT of conflicts to sift through and whilst many of those be attributed to personal bias through lived experience ... there are some worth mentioning that I feel cross the spectrum that effect the many.

For instance you know how Metta Meditation is about the fostering of gratitude? (rhetorical no need to answer - although please feel free if you so wish : ) ) - what about those of us that have no one in our lives to hold up like that? Yes I have my grandson and he is for sure my current source of gratitude. I did not always have him and I have not forgotten what it's like to have no one. Mental Illness & Spiritual Healing Techniques is something of a void with respect to finding helpful information on; as in for those of us grappling with the basics on the practicing itself.

An example would be teaching people the power of gratitude through the understanding if how such a state of mind holds no room for negative patterns of thought. All to often we are asked to think of someone we love or someone that that warms our hearts for all the good they bring to our lives. I say all to often because I am not one of the mass individuals looking into this spectrum of self help from a positions of wealth. hmmm ... to better understand that read on → Comes back to club mentality / industry / - I know I keep repeating it due to all those hollow barrel images used to sell much of the commodity. This constant referral to bringing up loved ones does not account for the current cancer where so many of us are unable to see or feel this love so refereed to ... what then? Basically those of us affected like so tend to think - what a crock of shit! As long as no one is thinking in terms of people reaching out towards this healing as mentally affected with no one to call upon or no one in mind with this fostering of gratitude.

So there ... that's my point with "All to often we are asked to think of someone we love..." With the world and many of it's inhabitants being as toxic as it is and they be, is reason why I solely use nature when fostering gratitude ... to reach said healing states. It's hard to look at a sunset or sunrise whilst sustaining negative thoughts. Yes I do use my grandson - but at times this can be for me a trigger for angst - given what I know he will come to endure. The contrast in that is how I measure. They way I hold him in my thoughts and my wish to send him resilience in all it's healing forms. Again ... from a mental health perspective I feel there is a huge blinkered approach that does not account for current real world suffering. Both from an individuals core perspective to the current state of this planet.

I've reached my limit for this post. Hope you enjoyed some of that D or anyone else that's still reading me. Smiles to think of how others rate this as but a mere mood swing. A big huge smile in fact. : ) I feel much much better now. Thanks for reading.

Summery on the last bit that's quickly fading is how I also use spiritual concepts with methodologies such as EFT and all that it too ascribes to such as neurolinguistics, self hypnosis, re affirmations, regression techniques and like wise behavioral therapies all of which point towards identifying root causes. The quick fix mentality that drives the current market sees people today running from discomfort on all lvls which is why I reason I am seeing so many of the same twisted and miss guided perceptions re letting go of negativity in spiritual circles. So it is that Love and Light echos like someone knocking on a hollow drum. We nail this aspect in another post ... later on.

That's kind of finishing on another open topic for me:

I've pondered enough for this session.

Adios until next post. : )

Dahila

01-10-2018, 07:28 PM

I still meditate, I like the appreciation meditation, compassion, and forgiveness,
I am with you on reiki , reading aura, however you know that I do have some expierence (well not knowledge) in all of that. The thing I see the place people have something wrong, ie problem with heart will be dark spot under the chin, I see it when I meditate and take some clients. Lately not much of that. I do not want to waste energy unnecessarily.
Someone must be special to me to get the reading. Reiki; why people need to label it and hocus focus all the time, I am not able to understand. If you have the power to help , just help without talking about it, just put your hand on the person..............well people make money on it,
Going back up each time is a bit easier in my opinion. till next time ;)

Ponder

01-10-2018, 10:47 PM

Is good to hear you have your own system of healing D. I am thankful for the few that share their knowledge without all the associated business costs and so on. Knowledge for self healing where it's about helping people to help themselves so that they are NOT reliant on others is the education that should be for free. Where people go about helping themselves and like you say - if to help others, then just do it rather than refer have people shell out for courses. On that note there are some people I watch on Youtube whom I have learned quite a bit from. I am thankful for what I pick up. I don't necessarily always agree but I know that much of the time that can be as much about myself.

For instance this is a 20+ minute session on the power of Validating Oneself - or is as how I came to see it. More over the title is well suited for issues that often arise in forums like these:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qFjL62-9Qyw

I find it's more for the gleaning and there's a lot of polish and influencing techniques that I kind of I grimaced to get through which kind of makes this video even more for me. :) There is much in here that helps me to write without a care for what others think as much of what comes out for me is in fact self validation. Is not news to me, but is good to see others telling it similar. It's only when they sell it that it starts to lose it's shine. I don't know much about this presenter, and yet to see her asking for $$$ in the same way others press that issue with outstanding links and so on. Comes back to whats on offer and how it rings ... as well as whether one is ready to listen. I often get different messages from the same people depending on where I am at.

Dahila

01-11-2018, 02:25 PM

Everything in this world have a price attached, eh I mean everything, No one help anyone without some kind of financial gratitude

Ponder

01-11-2018, 02:49 PM

True ... is the world in which we live. $$$ Balancing money seems more important than human life. Never been any good with Balancing money due to the value we are taught to place on it. It taints the message; I know that much.

Still Going!!! He as actually learned to ride the bike more since he broke his arm. Tis the cost I guess. :)

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4747/39638040941_c90556f5cc_b.jpg

Ponder

01-12-2018, 12:35 PM

Back Into City Skylines. GREEN CITIES expansion I bought I whiles back:

If we actually built cities like that. We have the technology? Cool Song - I really like it. : )

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R482NDB5OTA

I wonder if this one can hold my attention. LOL

Seriously Guys ... life is too short. Hoping this one will be the one calm me down. Definitely Nice Atmosphere :)

Off for a walk before that sun gets too high.

Adios ... you know the drill ... I'm still here.

LOL D :)

Be well all.

Dahila

01-12-2018, 03:07 PM

yep, it will keep your attention but eventually you will get bored with it too:)

Ponder

01-12-2018, 04:11 PM

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ... I love Cities Skylines:

https://image.ibb.co/hwzd2R/hours_played.jpg

I will see if I can improve upon that.

Alas ... your are no doubt right. Thankfully I have more than one game. :)

Ponder

01-13-2018, 03:15 AM

Big Day Town Planning:

https://image.ibb.co/nL4Jmm/playing_time.jpg

I also played Age of Empires II HD edition and World of Tanks on the side to keep my gaming buddies in good stead - (my eldest daughter being the AOE Champ) :)

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

... As well as watched Two eps of Vikings.

Grass needs a mow!!!

Ponder

01-13-2018, 11:49 AM

3:36 AM is what my screen is telling me now. Before that I lay in bed wondering if I should attempt to do a little astral projecting as is supposedly the best time to do it. Then I lay wondering why are there so many guides on how to do it but so little info on why we should try. What is the the intent vs a hollow shell going through the motions. To lay/sit motionless without emotion is both attractive and repelling at the same time. Is why I have been distracting myself so much of late. I think the increasingly hot summers are not helping. It's so hard to keep cool. I can't stop thinking of my grandson and daughter struggling in this heat. They can not afford the 'money' to keep cool, and in many ways nor can we. Now comes the question of worth because one cannot afford to keep cool. From there it's all about blame and shame. That my friends is the reality of this synthetic system in which we live. No matter what settings we tune our high tech environmental controls, as long as we are not prepared to step out our comfort zones, the more unable we are to venture outside - unable to see what sufferers see. How uncomfortable it is to hear them speak?

This bit of text is not looking for answers but merely purging in the wee hours of this morning. I'm cycling as I see fit. On other fronts ... I said it before and I'll say it again ... I don't like seeing mental illness used against others from a spiritual perspective. It seems there is no where for any of us outsiders to turn when it comes to today's well being clubs. Mental illness I have come to view as a natural occurrence resultant from living outdoors in a world only meant for shopping malls.

The only spirits that attack each other are none other than our own. It's not some alien or bad looking fairy or a flying teapot on steroids. I guess we need such images for the dramatic stories that sum up one's systems of belief.

So whilst we continue to keep our cool, to keep distracted ... we can continues to ignore those outsiders who share their discomfort by labeling them mall adjusted. The truth is that mental illness comes more from an inability to deal with the truth rather than it being a case that one cannot see. Alas ... who is it really that can't deal with that truth?

Wow ... took a long time to throw this together ... but now I think I am ready to go outside.

Adios Until Next Post. :)

Ponder

01-15-2018, 02:18 AM

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzz
:)

Ponder

01-15-2018, 04:13 AM

Well this will test out my laptop for sure!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=By7uuZZjXbY

Its a reasonable gaming laptop but somehow I think I may have to go with Flight Simulator X for a smoother ride. See what happens. Downloading for a rest run over the next couple of days. Here's hoping.

I really LOVE flying but it's so damn expensive for my means ... this will have to do. I used to play Microsoft Flight Simulator well over a decade ago - like 18 years more like is FS2000 (6 years before before X) , so figure if I have to ... I'll be happy enough with Flight Sim X as updated last in 2007. It seems to have a ton of add ons as well.

BUT - I just have to try X-Plane 11 first. :)

Time for bed. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleep.gif

Ponder

01-15-2018, 08:48 PM

OK ... just got back from group. : ) Has been a long break and I fear I spoke too much but hey ... I know I am not the only one thinking the same and or who spoke so much. hehe

Well ... I am happy I managed to get a link, downloaded and got it to install. A few glitches as not quite the full thing ... that said ... I got what I wanted to see:

New Video Upload on my gaming account. I'm fairly impressed all things considered. X-Plane 11 in known for being hardware resource intensive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ww6SMRYoCPU&t=71s

It will take time to load as I uploaded as a large file. Was the only way I could recreate the best as I saw and experienced myself. I am fairly impressed that X-Plane 11 runs as it does on my laptop. Basic specs:
*CPU - 6th Gen i7- 6700HQ 2.6GHz (Turbo 3.5GHz) 6MB Cache
*GRAPHICS - Dedicated nVidia Geforece GTX1060-6GB
*HDDs - 256GB M.2 PCIe SSD + 1TB SATA 3

Rest of the details are in the description.

Just using keyboard and mouse however now am keen to get a joystick. Using these flight sims and doing missions is actually quite relaxing due to the scenery ... the realism. Fact is I find sound as important as graphics. Flight Sim X is reportedly better for sound as well as having way more DLC - missions ... Don't yet ... just reading still. I am going to download the same as I just did ... but not having full versions will limit my compassion to some extent.

For now I go take off and land and see where that leads. :) Is all fun ...

Doing Yard Work and getting sun in between. Working on stabilizing my routine and relations. Yadda Yadda ... Is about stability and recovery during those periods of highs and lows ... yet a cycle there will always be.

Off for a flight.

Adios until next post. :)

Ponder

01-16-2018, 09:43 PM

Have to put a family member down on Friday. Very sad moment. :( It's been a long time coming. Got a bit of food poisoning last night. My wife suffered the most. Won't be buying from there again.

I guess life goes on. Installed over 18GB last night. War Thunder. It was a request from a friend. It's not my favorite and in some ways is just taking up space. Things we do for our friends. lol Narrrrr - is a good game ... just one more than I really need is all. I am really enjoying X-plane although about to log back into City skylines for a challenge.

On other fronts ... hmmmm ... the balancing is going well enough. For instance I logged into here so I would not log in elsewhere. lol ... like steam. Although that is really just running in the background.

Yard work is going well enough. Not looking forward to taking the trailer to the tip. I get pretty anxious doing that. Wierd thing is I am actually getting better at reversing ... its just the atmosphere and waste I think. I also get a little confused with where everything must go, which lines to follow and all that kind of thing. BUT - I have persisted enough times to know the gist of it. Planning ahead helps a lot ... also going on opening times early in the mornings. Not quite sure which is the best day ... avoiding weekends preferably.

You got to be good not to end up a pile of ash!
https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4763/39027315524_8055e2b30d_o.jpg

Ponder

01-17-2018, 04:49 AM

Putting Max down is going to be hard. Might have to take a hand full of pills for the anxiety. No Thanks ... think I will ride this out the old school way. He has been with us all the way. This is going to leave a rift in the family for a whiles. We are planning for someone to come to the house and give him the needle. My wife will not be present. Is too much for her. I am going to be here with my eldest daughter. I don't even think my wife want's max's body here when she gets back. However my daughter and I agreed we need at least half an hour with max before dealing with cremation and the like. I respect my wife's wishes .. is her way to deal with it. I don't do funerals point blank. I certainly hope I am the next one to go with regards to our immediate family.

It's hard core looking over at him now knowing he will be put to sleep in less than two days. I've been trying to reason if it's an immoral act, but then what are morals at any rate? It's all relative to personal views and varying circumstances. How does one make a judgment call when unable to discuss the level of pain with your animals. I mean not to judge at any rate. He is pretty much on his last legs, laboring in breath and giving off a constant pungent smell. I think he is no longer digesting his food and possibly slowly falling into kidney failure. It would cost quite a bit to get confirmation off all his ailments and then leave us with not enough for an assisted death when he probably needs it most.

I think is best all things considered. Just the first time we lose a family member this close to home. Sigh ... I hope the kids can cope. Is going to be quite stressful.

We will talk about it and face the issues head on, but only in a zone each family member is able handle. If we handle this right and support each other ... then there is no need to go running to a GP.

Righto ... off to bed to process and hopefully given Max a good send off by being with him on his last day. That being tomorrow! Max's Last Day.

I think it will be a good send off as I know he will no longer be in pain. In fact ... there are many of us on the plain that could do with such assistance. Beats all those feeding tubes and despairing stints in a morbid geriatric home still having to answer to the tune of some short staffed, hard nosed & overworked nurse. Like I said ... comes down to one's personal views views and varying circumstances. I can see why it's now legal in more countries to assist with death. For many it's no doubt a good release ... although hard to fathom how one could experience anything not knowing what comes next?

Night Night ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzz

Please to report little one is out of cast ... Latest Xray indicates the damage was not as bad as first thought. ... Life goes on for that little one. :)

Dahila

01-17-2018, 06:24 AM

I am so sorry , it is terrible, I called vet to home, hoping that it is going to be easier for my girls. She was gone so quickly but I was left with such hole in my heart, not to admit that my blood pressure changed from low to high, and It was a trigger for me. The worst was my family, they knew that I had her from the time she was 7 weeks and they thought I do too much drama. I could not function for months. 11 years passed and I am drama queen always think about her...........she was such help with my anxiety, the walks, long walks helped me..............eh..........no another dog ever

Ponder

01-17-2018, 05:52 PM

Yea, I remember you saying D. Same here with life time pet. Some of the kids here now saying their goodbyes while they can. We keep thinking narrrrrr ... he looks OK ... but then he starts shaking and the smell is still strong .... yadda yadda. Lisa and I still agree it's the right thing.

Anyways - Selling the flute and all it's accessories now. :) hehe ... You know me. I'm that impressed with the flight sims that I opted to sell a few things to purchase the software. Not exactly cheap. Just sold my computer chess set and still fell short of what I need. That said I pretty much got back what I paid for it. I usually look after my things with resale value in mind. My account on eBay and skills for selling is good for things like that. Looking forward to the end of sale actually. That said I am procrastinating with editing all the pics. That's usually the lengthy part that most people overlook and to their disadvantage I may add. Whatever Dave ... as long as I make enough to reach my target goals. Enough for a flight stick would be a nice bonus. Finding a left handed one is what I need. Being a genius and all. You know how it is with us leftys. :)

PS - Thanks for the commiseration D. Much appreciated.

Ponder

01-18-2018, 06:25 PM

Bit nervous ... nearly time for Max's needles.

Ponder

01-19-2018, 06:54 AM

It's times like this that words fail. Lots of hugs all round. I think it's just as sad that it takes events like this to make us connect. ZZZZZZZZZZ

Dahila

01-19-2018, 09:19 AM

They leave such huge hole in your heart, Can not even post about it, I am still grieving my girl even 12 years will be on February 2

Ponder

01-20-2018, 05:34 AM

There is certainly a void in the house about now. The vet was a little to quick suggesting to bring in a bag after the deed was done. We explained that we will be using the bedding he was on as previously arranged with the next service to arrive about an hour later to pick max up. We were well aware of the chemical processes that follow death in relation to ejection and smell. We still required time to let go and I pointed out that although maxes heart had stop beating, that his brain and more to the point, his soul could be very well present for some time yet. No doubt the vet was just doing what they do ... a J-O-B. Yadda Yadda. It was good that we could do it in our own home. It was a good gathering ... just our intimidate family - no strangers ... no drama. Just how every funeral should be. Sigh. If only.

Anyways - It's been a good release; all round. We do so much in our culture to hide from such an inevitable outcome. In fact we exploit the fear and make much profit in the form of both $$$$ and control. But whatever ... I have more pleasant things to write home about tonight. At least while there is still some breath left in me. :)
__________________________________________________

Talk about challenging to learn and fly a plain. I really got my hands full with that. I know it might be an easy task for a finely tuned brain, but mine 'aint' what it used to be. That said I am doing well enough. I'm hopping to fly this little puppy in the near future:

https://image.ibb.co/j8zSrw/1.jpg

It's been a LONG time since I tried my hand at flight sims and it would seem they have come a LONG way. I Joust bought back into Microsoft's outdated series due to their excellent in game learning centre. Once I pick up the basics and can navigate ... I'll look forward to taking on the more graphical and responsive X-Plane 11. If indeed I stick it out. If only I can get enough for my flute to get myself a decent flight stick. : )
__________________________________________________ ____________________

Not much else happening. I just did another Video. It's kind of for one or two people from the Flight Simulator X community on Steam. More a technical and review of the rendering add ons from a newbies point of view ... a very confused one: http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/confused/confused-face-smiley-emoticon.gif That's what my newbie channel is all about. I'll post in here for those who have nothing else better to do. You can watch me bounce off the airport a few times. lol

I manage to walk twice today. No where near as long as I usually did that time last year ... but it's a good enough start to get back into the swing of things.

Take care guys ... Adios until next post!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjBA-Gv968U&feature=youtu.be

Ponder

01-21-2018, 04:42 AM

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

I hope your all doing well. Take a deep breath. I'm just going through the motions. I'm not really feeling like seeing people of late which makes going outside to walk and get fresh air difficult. I am forcing myself to do it though because the outside air helps me clear my head and the moving on my feet helps to get blood flowing through my heart more than happens whilst sitting for several hours in front of my screen.

I best get to bed and try go outside in the morning again. Trying to do it twice a day ... it really helps. Cycles you see. Getting ready for the cooling I know that will come soon ... it's all relative despite the extreme heat. Even in my lowest points ... I know I got to keep moving ... even when I want to human contact outside of my own immediate family. I don't mind making friends online ... funny how that works - perhaps not ... it kind of makes perfect sense.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Night night - http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleep.gif

Ponder

01-21-2018, 06:22 AM

Another Later one ... Flying @ 4000+ Feet in a light plane. Very Calming ... Now I am ready for bed ... I think ... :)

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4758/25942402308_cb59ac94f9_o.jpg

Dahila

01-21-2018, 11:11 AM

I do get it, After 12 hour on market and a lot of talk , i am so drained I would like to go to sleep but it will elude me, It takes for me like 3 days to recover

Ponder

01-23-2018, 12:17 AM

Despite the smell of garbage ... it was very peaceful : )

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4714/24979188817_aab9b5983d_o.jpg

Still not doing very well ... but doing what I can to keep myself mentally motivated. I know it will pay off later and actually makes me feel a whole lot better in the moment once I take the first step. For me timing is everything. I don't like it once the traffic pics up and people start fussing about the place. Is what it is for now.

Ponder

01-23-2018, 03:46 AM

Phew ... feeling a little wasted - ZZZ Been a while since I have hit the keyboard feeling refreshed, even longer since I've done a Vlog Therpay Sitting. I've been trudging alone well enough with my morning efforts as depicted above. It really is good for the brain all things considered. I've set up my mediation chair once again and placed it in the spot where max passed away. I think about the letting go that took place with us all patting, hugging, grieving, crying and so on. I figure in my own weird way that I can use the residual energy that reside more in me than the spot itself ... yet makes for a good focus / setup point. I see how I go with that over the next couple of days. In everything we do ... it's all in the approach. Intellect in these matters only serves to get in the way ... in fact intellect in most cases pretty much results in short term gains.

What else ... ? Trying to keep focused on things that keep my interest in between what I deem as my responsibilities. I got the chores of making doctors appointment for yearly new mental health plan out of the way as too contacted therapist to advice plus confirmed tomorrows meeting with mentor. It might not sound like much but it does take more energy than getting up out of bed. Motivation is also something it takes as I really don't like jumping through the hoops unless I have an interest in desired outcomes. Desire being the key word as it's pretty pointless to be strung along if one is not willing in the first place. Otherwise you really are just a pawn in someone else's game. Beats defining oneself only by the labels and pills the system prescribes. Just because it's a control system does not mean we have no control.

On that Note it's back to EFT for me tomorrow.

EVEN THOUGH :) .......... I still Deeply and Completely Accept Myself. Filling in the Gaps is where it's at. Hmmmm ... how would that go for me of late ... Even though??? I have let myself go, feeling low, Even though max is gone and the world still feels all wrong - I deeply and completely accept myself. I still have my family - I have my daughters, I have my sons ... Even though we may not always get along ... and or say the wrong things ... I deeply and completely accept myself.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleep.gif