Getting Back On The Perch! - MY EXERCISE ROUTINE - Come Walk With Me.

[Dahila]

Cullie check my flowers on my profile on FB, and do get into forum , Ponders forum. I am so tired with the whining here I do not post a lot maybe once in a few days , I would give a lot to go with you on walk, I would not talk there is so beautiful. I hope your son is excellent young man now, he have an eye of photographer
You said you accent ;) Cully once I left a message on my answering machine, It was a while after my mom passed away, then I pressed the message, Jeeeeeeeeex it was like her voice, Now I do understand when my brother tell me I sound exactly like her. Then another time I left the message in English and had opportunity to listen it, Such heavy accent I have no idea how my customers do understand me. Better they return :)
Where is JOhn , gone already?

[martin05]

Some amazing photographs in this thread. Cully, I could look at yours for hours. It really relaxes me. And Dave, I keep expecting a spaceship to land in that field of wheat!

[Ponder]

Cool story about the answering machine D. I'm sure you guys sound human either way. :) Love the photos on FB. Your getting better yourself with taking shots Dahila. The gardens look really good. I can appreciate the love that goes into that.

Thanks for the kind words Cully. I collected all the accessories for my new compact sat down and went through the details in my Vlog but then messed up the encoding and corrupted the video file! :( I really made an effort because I knew you would like to see my new compact. Anyways ... I came up with one pic for the day and played around with it in Photoshop as I normally do. I still don't know all the functions but I must say its fast becoming my favorite camera! I will try and do another presentation of that camera tomorrow in the afternoon my time.

Today's snap shop in my back yard ... the grass needs mowing big time ... I have so much yard work to do!!! I will take some afternoon shots of the overgrown garden and include those in the vid ... if I don't mess that one up as well.

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4322/35954921926_8bc52ac96a_c.jpg (https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4322/35954921926_8bc52ac96a_b.jpg)

It's good that you have popped back in Cully. Your encouragement is very healthy for me. TY. It's been a while since I have made an effort with this kind of thing.

LOL Martin. I hear ya. I love Spaceships too!!!! Cully takes the best photos of all the possible landing sites! hehe

Here is the last part of the video I did not stuff up ... but will show you the camera ... I made the video with hopefully tomorrow.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZirzhlRbkU

Please forgive all the weird idiosyncrasies and stumbling of words. The reason I am pushing myself with these vids is to help me with such things. For the most part it seems to be working ... it really is good therapy for me. I miss a lot of my previous journal writings but will soon have a good place in which to write that will be more suited for that side of me.

In the mean time if you have time ... keep popping in here guys. If you do - I will too.

Righto ... time to find another spaceship! Good call Martin. : )

Hey YEA! ... thanks for the request iwantobeok. :)

[Ponder]

Prison Planet Theory: https://image.ibb.co/k4AK25/Reptilian.png
( a couple of pennies dropped for my last night and this morning just going to make some notes before they are spent!)

But first: John is doing what John does D (we all are) ... & John is awesome at what he does! Hi John!!! I know your still with us buddy and we are all thinking of you!

Dahila ... I still can't get the images of your garden out of my mind. The things that we all do when our minds our free is really amazing when compated to just how much garbage we use to distract ourselves from ourselves. But enough of that talk ... at the risk of alienating myself once again; I am going to talk some more. LOL

Speaking of Aliens. I was listening to a sub on YouTube that I do from time to time. He is into the Greys/Reptilians and the Prison Planet Theory. Great drama!!! Would make an amazing TV series and possibly an all time block buster but somehow I don't think the lizards will allow that.http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/toothless-chuckle-smiley-emoticon.gif

woops ... still writing. Doh!

[Ponder]

Prison Planet Theory Continued ... Hmmm Damn It. I think my developing nuggets of insight have slipped me once again. I just need to get into the grove. Not so easy whilst I got my oats on the stove, prepping some beans as well and have a doctors visit plus a seminar shortly after that - BUT ...

Long story short, I've decided nailing oneself to a cross just is not worth it. It feels like all these repressive stories based on fear do nothing but to keep one glued to ones own nightmare which oneself feeds. Your only a battery for someone else if you allow the drama to connect. If you don't allow the contact then the power cannot connect. Thus terminating toxic thinking is the only way to disconnect from either the confusion or despair of processing it all. To be sure it all makes for a great distraction, but when the thinking gets despairing then that purpose then only serves as an obstruction that does more to harm than it does to give reason. Reasoning also in itself leads to the insanity of it all.

So other than nailing oneself to a cross by giving oneself over to the drama of said thinking ... I also found some similarities from what feels like the two opposing stories - The Prison Planet Vs Reincarnation ... which in fact seem very much part and parcel to me.

Don't Come Back! the presenter says at the end of his prison planet spiel: (this will most likely not make sense to those who don't know much about the Demiurge - but that's OK ... I'm just making notes as I observe)

I mean like the whole reincarnation story is just as dramatic, intriguing and mind numbing as the multitude of conspiracy theories that abound. It would seem we beings are easily manipulated when it comes to such things. Yet the terms we choose to pick when contemplating like so seems to be key with where we go!!!

Don't Come Back! ... seems to be the escape route for both, yet if you don't subscribe to either one, then perhaps there's no reason to run? Yea ... that there be the middle ground. The Middle Kingdom that requires no seeking in order to be found. Nevertheless just as positive experiences can't really be felt without those we deem as negative - it's good to keep an open perspective on what's driving this *&^%ed up world. No matter what reality we pretend to exist in, I'm down with positing what I need feels saying, uploading whatever vids ... BUT once it's all been said - I'm fucking out of here and don't intend ever to come back!!!

Both ways ... It's a NO to the Lizards and also No ... to more of those BS ... Life's Lessons. I'll be turning both of those stations off!!!

I'll be off Treking. :)

https://image.ibb.co/fKZeKk/ST.png
BIG DAY today ... but will try and get around to that vlog on my compact camera Cully. I'll try FB to let you know as well.

Later guys.
No time to edit srry guys.- edited whilst waiting at the doctors. :)

[Ponder]

Here Cully ... I ended up doing a vid on the new compact camera.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IXO-3t_1c2o&feature=youtu.be

I only hope to give it us much respect you do your gear. Just about to watch StarTrek, but will show some footage of me and the little fella doing a bush walk this morning. I love the little guy to bits and trying to give him as many positive experiences I can before he is ripped from his mum and thrown into a world of trauma. Thankfully the will be supervised episodes, but not by anyone the little fella knows.

Take care dude ... I best go leave a message on FB to let you know the vid is up. Keep putting out those stunning shots cully. I have never stopped viewing!

See yas all in a bit. re the bush walking vid.

PS ... Thanks D for the kind words on Youtube. :)

[Cullingford]

Hi ya Guys great story with the answer phone Dahila I had a look at your wonderful garden and flowers. The pagoda you have there is very nice ( not sure if that's the right word for it ) I bet it's great in there when it gets too hot outside. It would be lovely to go for a walk with you and have nice chat.

Nice to meet you Martin I am glad you find some peace in the pictures sadly no UFO.s now that would be a thing. I used to work with a man who swore he saw them regularly he would say sometimes they come close enough to see the rivets on the burners! I don't think he was ever right again after Joe Kennedy's blew up over his house and took the roof clean off it.

Dave Love that weeds picture nice depth of field for that, I took my decent camera with yesterday and vowed never to use the bridge one again.


https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4325/35887160681_126915fb0a_h.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/WFe5zF)

Right I am off to have a butchers at that video of yours.

[Dahila]

Fantastic pic like alwasy Cully, You should join Ponders forum, it is small but very nice. Thanks for the kind words :)

[Ponder]

LOL Cully. Very Nice! What kind of temps are you guys getting at the moment. Just trying to get more into the grove you've capture well there. Looks nice and cool. Is that somebody's backyard?
Hi D .... only just saw you there, currently making a video of the little fella. Hope your having a good morning your end?

[Cullingford]

Nice video Dave I can see why you like the camera so much the flip up screen must be a big bonus it must save you getting dirty knees if you want a low angle shot. I definitely see your point about the size and portability especially if you are on a hiking trip who would want to lug a Dslr around if that baby can do the job. As for the temp here a sticky 79 which is rare and way too hot for me I don't know how you put up with it . Pop me a link for your new place so i can have a nose around.

[Ponder]

Thanks for being a part of my forum D and also showing interest Cully. I will for sure send you a link once I start doing more with it. I am been real busy with others things. The whole family court drama with my grandson it very distressing. He is quite a vulnerable child and the risk factor that he now faces is very real. In the mean time, we just focusing on giving him as much love as we can. Let him know we understand him well. Sadly his father often ridicules his children for not communicating well and he has already overtly doing it with our little one since the courts started ordering Skype calls. Sigh. : ( - This is a guy that leaves his kids dirty nappies and then proceeds to shame and punish them by means I will not even bother to go in. It is really, and I mean really! - hard - to remain objective as I know I myself am far from perfect and often trip over my own words when I know I have been guilty of shameful things. I only wish this little guys father had an ounce of remorse. :( ... as doing so it what heals us all.

Yea ... this whole family court saga has come out of know where despite us having known the day was coming and doing our best to be prepared. For now ... I do as I say and give this little fella all the love I can muster - teach him how to navigate for himself. Instead of ridiculing these kids for not meeting anothers standard we would do much better to help them out instead.

I know you saw my preview clip on this next video D ... but this is the final full version showing a lot more interaction between me and my grandson. He seems to be a natural in taking in nature. I think we all are but sadly it's educated out of us as we are slowly beaten down by an oppressive world. I have no problem conveying it us such. I am blessed to have my grandson at this present moment and my current purpose is to protect him as I must.

I used my little phone to make this video with so once again the resolution is not much chop. I at least finally worked out how to keep the sound in sync. The damn frame rates from some smart phones play havoc when it comes to encoding with various editing programs. It's not a pro job ... but I am sure you will love this one D. It's approx 9 minutes. Grab yourself a cuppa, sit back and enjoy this little fella as he teaches us how to look. He sees elephants everywhere he goes - He even saw a dinosaur! :)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=06w3ppP9Sf8&feature=youtu.be

[Ponder]

Felt like I was walking myself (actually he was as much leading me. :) ) through the bush - LOL - narrr ... of course we are all different ... yet the same. Is my thinking we look similar here just in my head or what? Of course as close relatives we wish for it no doubt:

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4293/35869713462_9d4314574b.jpg (https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4293/35869713462_2fb14493c2_o.jpg)

[Ponder]

Just so you know D & those few others following and or lurking re the links in here ... I make my vids private after a while and the above is unlisted (and will also be private not soon after posting) Once private links will be broken. I am only saying so people wondering what is the go with the other broken links a little further back. So now you know what that's all about.

D do you have a google account? If so ... I can add you to my private list so that you will always be connected and get my updates. I don't want my Youtube account to be like a self promotion thing ... I like how we have a private sharing and whilst I don't mind sharing with peers in here ... I ask that others do not share my linked videos either. At any rate ... I will make private not long after sharing. If I know these vids are like more like an intmate connection among friends/peers ... then I can be more relaxed when making them. At least for now while I am currently feeling ... hmmm well it just feels better this way I thinks.

Take care guys ... time for to balance things out.

PS - if anyone in here out of the 6 subs is wondering ... you will still get update as I will upload public for the first period, then unlist them and then private them. If you want to stay onbaord with the private one ... please feel free to message me and I can hook you up to my private account. I don't mind keep the doors open to like minded folk. :)

OK that's a wrap ... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

[Ponder]

Not feeling the best today. Still feeling tired I guess ... in a procrastinating type of way. SIGHING is how I begin this video and it's pretty much just an imperfect ramble with my own opinion that struggles to let go of itself. I'm critical and even judging in my assessments but for me ... that's OK. I am enjoying very much the process of Vlog Therapy. It's working for me. :)

Adios ... until next post ... OR VID!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Kqn7mY9BeU&feature=youtu.be

[iwanttobeok]

The good thing is you have a custom schedule.

[Ponder]

Srry iwanttobeok ... I am so simple I struggle with the obvious. May I ask what your referring to? My routine? Srry ... not computing well atm but keeping chin up - I do try to keep it flexible. I have to. I actually struggle with changing it often though. Thank you for your reply. I appreciate it very much. :)

[Ponder]

I have a schedule that for the most part I aim accept responsibility for regardless of what others may claim to be in ideal agenda. A routine that I attempt to include those that I love and one where I may be more considerate of those that I dare to think "don't obey the rules" ... who am I to judge? The latter a work in progress and one I am mindful of being very important part to my mental health. (remain non judgmental and just be as accepting as I can be) Sometimes I have to be careful that I actually include myself in my routine. chuckles at such a thought. I may appear to be selfish one day and then completely selfless the next. LOL

Tomorrow in the morning I will get up and go for a light run. Motion for Emotion.

Time to bounce back.

[Ponder]

Personal Responsibility: How to adopt personal responsibility without it being a chore? (Like getting up and taking a piss)
https://player.fm/series/audio-dharma-gil-fronsdals-most-recent-dharma-talks-116753/dharmette-judgement

[Ponder]

This one nails it for me:

Einstein Remarks:
"A human being is part of the whole called by us the universe, a part limited in time and space. We experience ourselves, our thoughts and feelings as something separate from the rest. A kind of optical delusion of consciousness."

"This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty."

"The true value of a human being is determined by the measure and the sense in which they have obtained liberation from the self. We shall require a substantially new manner of thinking if humanity is to survive."

Quoted from ... Spiritual . . . But Not Religious → Blog found → here (http://spiritualnotreligious.blogspot.com.au/2011/08/einstein-to-alan-watts-and-beyond-who.html)
__________________________________________________ __

This is why I do not subscribe to any kind of world view that limits us as described in the above. I must learn the above remarks off by heart so that the next time I am ask to give my thoughts on such limiting views, I can adequately respond as above.

Night Night ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

One last share:

Philosophy is not enough:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FxWZc1cRLnA&feature=player_embedded

I like the spin on this as it does not comes across as doomsday preaching, nor does it feel like the new age marketing of the so called secret. It spells it out in a way that claims either extremes of peace seeking or out right domination is not going to be enough. How to live in the face of extinction seem more appropriate for me and in that comes a great sense of liberation regardless of just waiting around for the supposed great shift so many are hanging back to see. For many its the second coming and others an invasion fleet. Again ... another two useless concepts of extremes ... but I also see for me a point being made that peace seeking in many cases can just be another distraction in the form of philosophical masturbation ... kind of thing. "I am suffering aka IMS" ← (a previous forum user here at AF) used to call it mental masturbation. I have to agree despite being often caught up in it myself.

None the less is also a time for healthy contemplation with perhaps the goal being how to endure whilst helping others as remarked in the previous post ... re Einstein and Watts.

I really don't know ... I'm just cruising with what comes to mind ... nothing more - nothing less.


Tomorrow Little fella has his first contact according to the "orders" and is currently sick. I guess I am not as tired as I thought ... will keep YouTube -ing for a little longer I thinks.

[Ponder]

BINGO! - Now I can sleep http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleep-in-bed.gif

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k2kBzr5i_QY

[Ponder]

The good thing is you have a custom schedule. As compared to what? I know you mean well as to encourage me iwanttobeok but I'd like to explain why I don't think your comoarisin applys to me as I don't participate in society. I am in the world but not of the world. Your well meaning comment allows me to explore this and I thank you for such an opportunity.
___________________________________________

I don't participate in things that bind me.

I have a choice, (that one day I hope will not even apare as such be more automatic / choice is an illusion) it just taken me a long time to work that one out. Until I did I felt oppressed. I felt my schedule was the only in place in which to pay my bills, my things and to eat and sleep. I became bitter and started projecting my opinions, thoughts and feelings onto others in a way the shamed and blamed when not seeing others suffering in the way I felt myself to be. Social Media is a place where I the self professed hard done by type the good hard working compliant me who become more powerful by making myself the thought police and projecting how it is that everyone else must live as I do.
____________________

I can't stand seeing others contently living in their own routines unattached to their my of thinking. All my money and my possessions are not enough to me happy - not unless someone else is suffering under me. I need fear as is the only thing that drives me.

I am educated to compare others to myself in this one. Is the way I have been taught since birth.

Everything I do is customized so that I can do what is within my abilities ... as anything less is oppressive. I fully encourage my peers and loved ones to disconnect and discover just how liberating it is to create one's own set of guide lines. I'm learning to do it in a way that does not harm others. The best way to do that is to remind myself like what Jesus said: "Be in the world - but no of the world." ... I try not to get caught up in analyzing every word ... that's what religion does. I Just go with what feels to be true for me. Whilst society loves me to fear ... society fears feelings and intuition.

My truth and intuition tells me I must not participate in a world that seeks to dominate as the world I live and see ... so clearly intends and does.

I create my own schedule separate to that of the world's. Whilst I am taught (constantly embedded) that we my world view is defined by everything I have seen, thought, felt and the choices I have made ... I also see the world itself as a collective having created it's own point of view → one that's as responsible for the toxicity it blames and shames of me. So whilst the world is busy selling this notion that I must address myself, I would warn myself to be more careful about the sickness that is instilled in the world; separate from my self. Once I find my true self, I remind myself not to be dragged back down by this self destructive world.

Nature is my schedule. Society seeks to dominate and control it. Society will never control me because I no longer subscribe to it.

I seek to work with what I have and that way I will never be found wanting. I Ignore all those incessant advertising campaigns designed to make me think in despairing ways.

No matter how much I am taught to think I am missing out on and how much I don't need ... I turn the tables by contemplating just how much I already really have!

The more I don't seek it, the more I find it. How else do you think I end up with all my gadgets. I don't work that hard for it! Living contentedly like so drives those atypical hard working self made police more insane; but that's the cancer of our society and a problem for other individuals whom I must learn to help.

Best I can do is love myself and then do what I can to help others as best I can. A kind of selfish trait that then becomes selfless when the penny finally drops. In fact the sooner I drop the penny system the sooner I will start to heal. Leave the world to squabble over it's pennies ... I really don't need them. In fact pennies are the bane of this worlds existence.
_______________________________

Editing ... in the process of rewording to be more personalized for me ... others can do and will do as they must.
Editing done ... Less preachy but gets my point across where it needs to be ... instilled in me. No doubt this kind of talk will always sound preachy to those of us that resist and cling to an educated need of being lead.

NOW ... In the most kindest and loving way ... allow me to simply say FTW! Just kidding ... fostering in alight-hearted way.

Time to get on with my day.
PS thanks for your kind comments D re the little one in the Youtube vid.

[iwanttobeok]

I guess I meant that you can afford to say use your motivation at night one day and early morning the next, unless a specific time is your goal :p I thought of an office worker stuck in monotony, stuck doing the same thing again and again.So a balance :) So your harshest critic is still you as opposed to you and someone else. Therefore, you can be more of a metaphorical penny-pincher for your resources about something else.

[Ponder]

Arrrr .... then why did you not just say so.

I all makes so much more sense now. :P

[Ponder]

Well said ... Hope you have a good day to. TY.

[Ponder]

iwanttobeok ... I am out of sorts with my grandsons first visit with his biological father at the contact centre today. I guess that is where my disconnect is coming from. In fact I know it is. To keep my mind off it I am going to make some food up for mt grandson today. He does not eating veggies so my plan is to come up with some way to mix veggies into an acceptable blend for him. Going to try a rice mix. He is very particular with texture. I am soaking the rice - Thus far have not thought of much else. I guess flavor is the key with the little ones. Will most likely put in a little honey with a touch of salt. Not sure.

I am open to ideas ... anyone?

[iwanttobeok]

Sometimes it's easier to eat veggies that have a flavouring on them like a vinaigrette, or as/in soup, or as little shapes like cubes :D

[Ponder]

Sounds like feasible. Thanks for the tips. He is real fussy when it comes to eating. I've been told he does not like rice, so on a mission this afternoon to see if I can overcome that. Thx again for the advice. Shapes I think is a good one.

[Ponder]

Yesterday was really hard - feeling a little better today, but think it's going to take a while before things settle here at home. We are all out of sorts with the whole drama surrounding the little one. Doing our best not to project as we are aware of the negative effects when allowing ourselves to be overwhelmed with mixed emotions.

Meditation was good this morning.

[Ponder]

Recorded - World of Tanks Game - with a friend on my short list: (we were lowly ranked - I ended getting a few achievements with a decent score for a non premium account)
Mastery Badge: II class - Earn more experience in a single battle than the average highest experience of 80% of all players in the same tank within the last seven days.

Defender - Reduce the amount of enemy capture points on a friendly base by 70 or more.
If two or more players have reduced equal amount of capture points, the achievement is granted to whichever player earned more EXP.
_________________________________

https://image.ibb.co/guZYX5/Yoda1.png

Here’s a World of Tank’s game I recorded the other day. It was a slow start for me as I had to take a phone call not long after the timer counted down. My team mate and I first knock out a Tank destroyer, then Heavy Tank and then proceed to take on a Medium Tank. I got a little confused as another friend of mine jumped back on skype.

At this stage of the game we were on top but now things were quickly changing as a few more of our team were knocked out plus our flag was then being captured. Thankfully we knocked out the guy capturing our flag and ended up winning.

We did pretty good seeing as our tier tanks were pretty low in the line-up. It was a job well done with a team mate that usually wins. GG!

It's my online dart board or Yoda's playground without his lightsaber.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUPuMfAEvtw&feature=youtu.be

Now off to do some work in a Meditation Post. BOOM!!!

Edit ... found this. It's a real blast but you might have to understand the Game World of Tanks to understand just how funny it really is.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=meT6Gc1JI6o

[Ponder]

Just real quick - Something I picked up for 2$ whilst out and about:

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4316/35315152543_60843d89b2_z.jpg

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4307/35990073441_d18d13df13_z.jpg

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4318/35990073811_318d1e8e02_z.jpg
https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4315/35990074381_dcf2f76dea_o.jpg

[Ponder]

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4322/35990074161_b2b66f78ce_o.jpg
Retails for not much more ... looks very interesting ... something I'm down with.

Time to watch Game of Thrones!

[martin05]

You might have stumbled upon a bargain there! I have some very weird dreams. I'm never sure what to make of them. Let me know how you find the book.

[Ponder]

I have to admit though as open as I am - I am wary when it comes to structured belief systems that are designed to gauge and measure the outcomes to events, thoughts and actions (ie astrology) and already I can see how this book has elements of that. (only skimmed thus far) That said - I find it interesting and able to take snippets that may or may not ring true out of the many examples give from A to Z. Having a flexible attitude/mindset helps. I am coming to see my understanding is never the same and that the meanings during that course often change.

There is a line of thinking to do with intuition that I am gleaning. The talk on subconsciousness/consciousness is also very interesting.

My interest in dreaming is more to do with creating and living in another world rather than trying to make sense of the one I am in. More like adjusting my antenna so when in the waking state I am no longer seeing this world through a Reptilian Brain.

https://image.ibb.co/iRayjk/What_Is_A_Reptilian_D_Chace.png
The Complete Dream Dictionary - Pamela Ball:
Reptiles: To dream of reptiles indicates that we are looking at our more frightening lower attitudes. We may have no control over these, and could therefore be easily overcome by them.
Lizard: The lizard appearing in a dream represents instinctive action or 'one-track' thinking.

Is OK though ... I'm not dreaming of reptiles just yet. I am however investigating further the story of the "Demiurge." I have questioned it many times and pushed it to the side but can't help but keep coming back to it. I look at it as one story of many. When it comes to the same process of gleaning as I would any other story ... there is a LOT of sense to it as much as there is craziness to it.
_____________________________________

I think more on that with my reptilian brain and make a separate post for that.

[martin05]

No, I can't remember ever dreaming of reptiles or lizards either. I do get a lot of dreams about committing acts of violence on family members. Those are quite weird, as I'm not a violent person. I did a Google search and apparently it's just a subconscious way of trying to process unresolved family conflict, which I guess makes sense as every family has its issues.

I know a lot of psychologists have said dreams can be very revealing as to whats going on in your psyche. I might start logging them for a while to see if there are patterns.

[Ponder]

The Demiurge:
https://image.ibb.co/bKDCAQ/Demi.png


Talk about a mind *&^%! It's one hell of a story that encompasses ALL of the stories! I have no idea where to begin. All I can say it that I am gleaning as much from this story as I do say Allan Watts or Echkart Tolle. It highlights FEAR quite well. How it's used and How it's energy feeds the Reptilian Mind. For me - I take the Reptilian Image out of the equation to better understand the substance to the story. Words fail me here because I am not even sure it substance is even correct. I do know that between my Christian upbringing, all the other religions I have looked into and the array of spiritual teachings I've opened up to ... that when I am able to take out the dramatic, sensationalized, and romancing to the deumiurge and likewise branch stories ... there is a very powerful, sobering and eerie insight of sorts that comes from hearing this story out. It's taken me a few years now with new insights coming to mind as each time I grow in other areas and then come back to hear the demiurge story one more time.

The major conflict I see with all these like wise stories is that our Earth is not going to be here for much longer. (on the cosmic scale) As much as I am into intuition, spirituality and consciousnesses, I also beleive the science with regard to our own suns eventual demise. Alas these stories come up with interstellar travel capabilities and that species one comes from planet X in the Gama Quadrant and so on. It is the latter that I care less for when hearing said stories told and in fact pretty much when I switch off and leave those audiences who thrive on that kind of fictional hype. I'm open to those who talk about it without actually naming star systems ... but again ... avoid presenters who come up with stories that have as much thought put into them as a Pay TV's documentary on what a family of dinosaurs had for breakfast and where they then took a shit so many millions of years ago. More over what the consistency of that shit was and the color is was during that early morning light.

I'm now convinced there is going to be no heaven on earth and that most of the worlds religions are all based on the same twisted stories from thousands and thousands of years before the inception of their own. I do beleive we are spiritual beings of some sort and that our consciousness goes back into creation. Like it or not, ( I do struggle with it) how close and similar the demiurge and reincarnation go hand in hand.

But that's a relationship I am still trying to fathom. I guess the question or grounding I try to lay out for myself when taking on all these theories is what can I take from it and how can I make the most of it for now? SHEEP .. Defiantly how not to be a sheep! On that it's been really useful. Like I was saying, once you remove the Reptilian Image and all the other terms that trigger ones own bias/judgments/preconditioning's/programmings and so on ... You start to really see just how on the mark this story is when it comes to world manipulation and how and why the world currently is. It also puts all those religions into perspective as well as their associate need for conflict - plus outlines the relationship to that of the state being one and the same. FEAR and how its fed off ... human control and suffering; how that's fed off.

Information Technology = Tipping Point? To what end? All very interesting stuff. Alas ... just like I am not so quick to jump on the band wagon to well thought out structured belief systems that predict the events, thoughts and actions of others (including dreams) - I'm being very careful that when I look to connect with whatever I find my true self to be, that I don't wind up having fits over images projected by the same drama that excites the many. In this respect eastern philosophy seems to bode very well - minus it's dogmatic followings/pitfalls.

Sifting through all this information, side tracking all those trying to make money, the charlatans, the fame seekers and so on ... does seem to yield people out there with heaps to offer. It all seems to come back to finding the power within oneself. I'm not sure If hiding behind a cloak of good will is going to help. That's another story many people seem to get distracted with. I'm still thinking on that one.

I just finish this by reminding myself once again - How does this story actually help? Well I'm no longer singing the same tune which is a great help ...bahahaha. Way too many people doing that. The other thing is it's helping to stop sounding like a tape recorder when it comes to things like climate change or even my own past stories. I care less for the need to go out rave on about the latest "cause" ... things will unfold as they unfold. It's helping me to tune in with my most inner being whatever that be ... more so has given me the will to want to find the real me. Not all the BS that society constantly sells and preaches. Yadda Yadda ... you get the picture. I do enough of that all by myself.

I actually wont link anything except drop the name David Icke. That will be enough for anyone content in their suffering who are stuck with judging others to call any of us entertaining these theories as bat shit crazy. Lucky for my I could care less what others think. (or at least I that's what I tell myself) I'd rather be considered a nut than have anything to do with main stream society. bahahaha bahahaha bahahaha.

Well that was fun.

Adios until next post. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleep.gif

[Ponder]

Srry Martin. I did not see your response. That sounds hard core. Your assessment sounds on par to me. I would not see myself a certain way because of what I did in my dreams. But I do like to contemplate later if able what takes place in my dreams. I'll share a passage or two from the book later on just that. Now is definitely time for bed.
Later dude. :)

[Dahila]

to explain the dreams you must work with them, They are very symbolic. After around 8 years of writing down the dream, and the mood in it, I got a pretty good idea what it means for me, They are different for different people so the dream dictionaries will tell you only a bit. Hair a sex symbol. Sun is a symbol of safety.
I trained myself somehow after this long time of writing down the dreams.
I found Dream Dictionary complete waste of time and money ;)
I am pretty good at interpreting dreams for other people too. I have this book :)
Martin I think you maybe overwhelmed with family issues, is there any dis-agreement? Are they critical toward you? Do you feel that you do not fulfill their expectation?
Violence in dreams is about relieving suppressed emotions

[martin05]

Hi Dahila, sounds like you're on the money. I do have some unresolved conflict regarding family. My dad is in a depressive state due to alcoholism. I can't really get through to him. It's not as bad as it sounds, but it gets the emotions all conflicted, as you can imagine. Last dream I had was of me beating him up, almost as if he was a helpless child. Wasn't particularly pleasant! I woke up thinking "woah, wtf?!"

Do you think these dreams are just a normal way of dealing with conflict, or do you think they're a sign I should try to deal with emotions better in the waking state?

[Ponder]

Hi Dahila. Hope you are well. I like to think nothing is wasted on me : ) ... I skimmed a little more this morning on text that relates to the approach of dreaming, visualization, and also some juicy stuff on ESP. Extra Sensory Perception & lucid dreaming. I have an interest in OBE, however I look to that as a more inward journey rather than an escape; which is the same context I failed to mention in my previous post re creating new worlds in my waking state. OBE is more approached and or talked about from a fear based state. Everyone wanting to escape. It's amazing how much more color comes to light when keeping an open mind with an open heart ... but not so easy to do when we carry so much unresolved goo.

The book also has elements of (NLP) Neuro-linguistic programming which I also find interesting. The symbolic approach that you mention D I am now seeing as an integral part to the process of both self-realization & manipulation/delusion. Where self-realization comes from being open and self - manipulation/delusion - comes from being closed. It would seem to me that we humans have been deluding ourselves and others since the beginning of time.
The book also relates to the seven spiritual centres or something to the effect of a chakra system which I also find fascinating as well. I’ve read up on different sources to that for years now, as well as a number of others takes on various spiritual concepts but have never subscribed to anyone. I guess I never will. Images and symbols and their allocated meanings are always changing for me (and others as you pointed out D) I don’t believe things, concepts, thoughts, actions remain the same and that it’s in fact a trap to subscribe attaching oneself in such limiting ways of seeing/being. Otherwise we just get all upset every time an image changes.

So it is that I read in-between the lines and let whatever comes to mind either sink in or drift. (no thing or word is as it seems) That’s pretty much how I sponge. (or try to) All these posts and interactions I try to make my attempt to write my own book. : )
_______________________

Martin – is good that you acknowledge your dreams the way you do. I’ve come to believe the more we process all that unresolved "stuff" that we went through during the period of our initial human conditioning the better able we are to later process full stop to which we may then begin to live as living should be. From a mental health perspective this is encouraging - at least it is for me.

The better able I am to connect with what matters the less aids I require in this life to function. This in indeed a sticky point many. Eventually my body will no doubt succumb to pain and I'll then consider it a wise action to take whatever medicine I feel my help me ride this journey out. I question myself on the use of chemical intervention Vs working with nature herself. These are my questions and I will continue to keep asking them if it keeps me cleaner for longer. The more I give myself over to medications, the more distorted my dreams will be. I had way more dreams whilst on meds - but no where nearly as intuitive when I am not on them. It's not the dreaming that I see as a useful tool but more the reason I wish to have them and how I seek to use them.

On this note … it’s time for me to right/write my boat as I have been struggling with our most recent ongoing family crisis with the use for drugs. I am glad I have not. I like to learn from whatever life throws at me. I don't learn whilst nullified on drugs. (drugs and me don't mix! [I WISH THEY DID] I will die a painful death ... Hopefully I will still welcome it) - Whilst I have been for years now employing different methods (prior to the last few that’s seen a transformation in me) – balance is what I need to work on - right now - in order that I remain drug free. Adding to that a sense of determination that does not taint my resolve to remain soft - as with too much pushing comes a hard exterior that’s not so open to the SUN.

So it is that I go gently into my day that I may also drift as freely into the night. I really know - fuck all - but yet - those discriptive words slip of my tongue as softly as tiny seeds drifting in a gentle breeze.

My affirmation for the day (yet another sticky point for most) is back to eating super clean and slowly rotating like a pig on a spit ... BUT under a gentle sun. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/summer/cool-sun-smiley-emoticon.gif

Nice to see you again D … Your lesson/reminders in symbolism go a long way to helping me. Very glad you mentioned it once again. (They really screwed me up when back under the banner of the church – but now I have a much wider variety of images to work with these days. Of course to my detached families disgust J )

Adios until next post.http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/golf/golf-ball-smiley-emoticon.gif

[Ponder]

As a side note: The conflict I have with the term imbalance, is usually with the tool that`s typically used when gauging who and what that imbalance is. People & Boxes, Desires & Wants, Places & Things.

Wrong World Vs Wrong Peole. No Vs = No Needs.

Edit: Stability is not necessarily a good thing. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/word/wtf-smiley-emoticon.gif
Additionally consider Mr ponder - that one needs an element of imbalance in order to obtain true balance. The down side to homeostasis is well known within holistic circles - but I leave that nugget on info where that sits. It's enough to say that cases of immune deficiency have skyrocketed since the implementation of stabilized levels.

Time to go stress out a little.

More edits to follow.

PS - Phew ... is good to be back on the treadmill. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/gym/treadmill-fall-smiley-emoticon.gif ... oh crap!

[Dahila]

D. thank you I like your post.
Martin you do not blame yourself for your father problems, you need to let it go.l You can not have control over anyone. You want to help but sometimes is just better to be there and do nothing :)

[Ponder]

Thanks D - You always seem to understand me well. The best thing about this place was meeting you!

GOOD NEWS EVERYONE - Your all invited to join the world wide web's Meditation Forum! I've started a journal and finally put up added some notes and linked a No Bullshit Guide to Mediation: (http://meditation-forum.boards.net/thread/25/meditate-bullshit-guide-meditation)

Forum Now Open:
http://meditation-forum.boards.net/
https://image.ibb.co/mDuokQ/Forum_Open.jpg (http://meditation-forum.boards.net/)

Here is my first Journal entry → here (http://meditation-forum.boards.net/thread/26/daves-journey)← I encourage others to consider the mental health benefits of starting your own online journal. I'll link a sticky on that topic once done.

Yep ... time is a getting away on me now. I have some stuff I am looking forward to in the morning so I will link my latest World Of Tanks Upload for those interested in watching others having fun. LOL Just kidding. I actually got quite a bit done today:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SbPzyGW7uh0

Photo for the Day:
https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4319/35979045582_26f6cc384d.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/WPm1L7)

Goodnight - Hope you all have a good day ... http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleeping-smiley-face.gif

[Ponder]

Awesome Poem:

Kobayashi Issa (1763-1827)
tsuyu no yo wa / tsuyu no yo nagara / sari nagara


So this world of dew
is a world of dew.
And yet ... and yet ....


Issa's most famous haiku, written one month after the passing of his daughter.


For a short dialogue on this poem, see: https://philosophadam.wordpress.com/2... (https://philosophadam.wordpress.com/2011/03/13/kobayashi-issa-and-the-and-yet-of-human-existence/)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KiNBY5o6dKo

I came across this Poem via a Dharma Podcast:
Max Erdstein: The Poetry of ImpermanenceRecorded: Tuesday, June 27, 2017 (http://www.audiodharma.org/talks/audio_player/7958.html)

_________________________

Some of my notes:

Coming to terms with impermanence for me is starting to give me a sense of peace as I learn to live with what is and see my loved ones as an extension of me. Adding to that I am working on seeing others as the same.

It makes all that striving to be better, to having more, to finding the secret completely irrelevant. No doubt one's journey is different to another, yet many of us that have had to deal with long terms hardships and extreme loss may come to understand this poem in the same way.

I can say that for me ... accepting change on such a deep level helps me better sit with my discomfort. The sun bites less in summer and feels much warmer in winter.

[Ponder]

YOU CHOOSE THE TAPES YOU PLAY:

https://image.ibb.co/ihTCzk/akai1710w.gif I've had anxiety since I was born, I just want to die , My life is so hard, I'm never going to get better ... http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/sad/depressed-smiley-emoticon.gif





https://image.ibb.co/ihTCzk/akai1710w.gif I've been overcoming challengers all my life, I live for whatever comes, My life is what it is, I don't need to get better! https://image.ibb.co/e4gt5Q/Sun_Water.gif



_____________________________
Don't like the way things are? Then change the tape playing inside your head. We may not have many choices left this day and age, but we can always change the way we think. Empower yourself by finding choice where -
you've been taught none exists:

[Ponder]

http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/spiritual/meditate-smiley-emoticon.gif

[gypsylee]

Cool pic of grasshopper Ponder :cool:

[Dahila]

yep people program themselves to suffer, instead on focusing what is not happening

[Ponder]

Thank you Gypsy, here is one from last year ... a larger version:
https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4324/35821319740_d6e30ea7c0_b.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/WzpCn3)

Well said D :)

[Ponder]

My Latest GIF Creation:
https://image.ibb.co/dT6a25/1_MB_GIF_Nature_Banner.gif

I had to come in under 1mb to embed this banner in my newly created forum. Is pretty cool hey? If you like to make full on posts that go off an a tangent then these kind of gif graphics can be used to help to bring attention to ones point. Given how we are all now programmed like so it kind of makes sense. I'm actually still looking into creating a vision board as a powerful tool in my home environment. Or just making a gallery of gifs like the above one. Visions Board Therapy is as controversial as affirmations. It's quite subjective and that said; I'm really happy I can open myself up to using images in such a beneficial way. I just don't do well when I am projected to such media without the choice to either close the page, walk out of the building, turn off the switch ... you get my drift. However when it comes to creating visions either in my head or using a pictorial guide ... they are indeed a very effective tool in helping to keep my grounded and or give me a boost.

I best keep moving ... Just leaving a few encouraging notes.

[Ponder]

Had another play around and figure I will change the theme to something like this:

https://image.ibb.co/e6GALQ/Escaping_The_Rabbit_Hole2.gif

The hardest thing about truth seeking is keeping perspective when the truth is damn right distasteful and bleak. Yet it makes for a great story & thankfully those dogmatic ones are fast losing their charm. I would not say from my perspective that there is any kind of "spiritual" awakening about to take place, however more people are awakening to the truth when it comes to global mass control techniques. Sadly I feel many of those awakening are still rolling out of bed and caught up in the fog of debate or up in the clouds with blinkers on for to stand and watch is just too much of a strain. I don't blame them either way. YAWNS ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I also joined the forum linked below to delve more into the conspiracy research. I must say I am finding it all rather 'fascinating' to say the least!
https://forum.davidicke.com/index.php

Main Stream Media - The stuff you watch on your TVs is BS (so is most of the stuff on our browsers home page - you get the drift)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ynPeru8qbV4&t=3s&index=3&list=PLU7uB3u-JFwu-F3AJpv2Wxfkd2Ti0g9Lc

Sadly people are too busy caught up in their false identities to fathom just how hood winked they really are when getting home after a long day of slaving and switch on their TVs. Those not working are too busy working out how to obtain more things. Sigh ... Pre conditioned Anxiety!

It's a deep *&^%#ing hole ... that's for sure. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz z

Before signing off though ... There is a light at the end of the tunnel ... or at both ends of the rabbit hole/black hole. :) I can't quite put my finger on it just yet ... but it's somewhere back in my post I did about the Void ... that part of my meditation where it's wonderfully quiet! One day I will be able to convey it. Hopefully before I am dead.

[Ponder]

I think I summed it up in my new avatar. :) If your having trouble finding the light, that's because you are the light. The bigger question is why are we lead to beleive we are not?

[Ponder]

Afternoon Walk in Moderate Sunlight
https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4314/35479382973_ec180688d3_b.jpg (https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4314/35479382973_5be35c1c31_o.jpg)

https://image.ibb.co/hzaGAQ/creek_reserve.gif


This was my first stop. Nothing like a bit of flowing water to help one tune in for the rest of the walk. It was pretty cool and shady which required me to push the settings on the camera to brighten this clip up. I'll try to remember to record some sound and link it to the picture next I take a similar clip. Below is the bridge which this creek was running under. Just click on the below pic to enlarge and scroll around to take a closer look:



BRIDGE

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4306/35478680763_d69f02dbe6_b.jpg (https://www.flickr.com/photos/71988794@N08/35478680763/sizes/o/)

__________________________________________________ _______





The next pic below: is where I was attacked by a magpie and then a plumber bird. I'm going to have to pick my routes carefully if I don't wont to be pecked along the way. The bridge in the background in olny about 3 foot high which requires me to bend over pretty low with my day pack on to get to the other side. The thing I like about this route is how the sun highlights it pretty much all along. This shot is more about the expanse and the low bridge in the background.

Floodway Bridge Joining Retirement Village

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4317/36151056931_8228462f63_b.jpg (https://www.flickr.com/photos/71988794@N08/36151056931/sizes/o/)

[Ponder]

Cont ...

Floodway Bridge No.1
On the way back home - sun getting lower and I've been taking my time.
https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4294/35450144734_e64c94c037_b.jpg
(https://www.flickr.com/photos/71988794@N08/35450144734/sizes/k/)
South West Fence Line
Across the way:
https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4319/36117485022_970e9dd459_b.jpg (https://www.flickr.com/photos/71988794@N08/36117485022/sizes/o/)

GOODNIGHT ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleeping-smiley-face.gif

[Ponder]

I'm now up to doing 15 minute morning meditations! It's starting to become a habit now. Finally. It's taken a lot of work but getting easier. I'm also starting to enjoy my walking once more. I started off early and ended up being out of a couple of hours. I put together a compilation of 19 photos from beginning to end.



Following The Light:
Click → here (https://flic.kr/s/aHsm1GVNg4)← to check out the Flickr Slide Show in Full Resolution.

https://image.ibb.co/cr2jX5/Morning_light_with_transitions_3mb.gif (https://www.flickr.com/photos/71988794@N08/sets/72157684432606633/)


I was pretty much thinking how important it is for me to map out my walking routes to get as much sun as I can whilst out. The sun is a big part of my stability. It's not a good idea to get too much here in Australia because of the extreme UV index, however it's still important to get sun none the less. I've been off my medications for a while now and I know what works for me and what does not. To get quality sun means getting it when it's low (here in Australia) and to do that effectively in suburbia mean picking streets that are not too obstructed and also orientated like vegetable rows that get the maximum of sunlight. Topography also helps where streets are situated higher than others. The latter can be a bonus in high density areas prone to pollution but that's another story. It all adds up.

I know I must sound like a nutter at times but my passion to connect with the sun through direct exposure, eating plants and so on really is a huge part of me keeping off meds. It's not just the beneficial chemical process that take place, there is a heightened level of consciousness that helps me to supersede all the toxins I have no control over and also offsets the permanent damage that's already been done. The sun and being out under it for long enough periods to experience the changing levels is where it's at. It's not just about exposing yourself but how you connect with it. I try to explain:

I know a fair bit about the benefits of cardiovascular exercise and nutrition when it comes to addressing ones health. It kind of all falls apart when you try to relate all that to simply losing weight. Cycles are critical to long term health. In terms of stability when looking into long term weight loss with the focus on maintaining → Cortisol levels is where it's at. STRESS. The best way to regulate stress as long term is a natural lifestyle that allows for changing levels ... just as how everything that thrives in natures does. Our modern way of living is to keep us comfortable and on an even keel 24/7. To keep us balanced all the time. The whole concept on stabilizes levels is actually making humans weaker and more depended on modern medicine.

Enough said. Point is ... 20 minutes in the sun is not really giving you the benefit of chaining levels. I know I can gain as much a connection to the sun walking in either twilight or dusk if I have been spending a few hours or even a few 20 minutes bouts at different times of the day. In fact ... 30 minutes in the early morning, with 30 mid morning or mid afternoon and then 30 minutes in the evening can pretty much be the primmer to put anyone back anyone back into sync that's suffering with sleep issues. It's all about being exposures to the different light intensity/frequency/temperature as the size rises and then sets.

That is only one aspect ... but it's the place to start and doing it with the simple act of walking with this knowing in your heart is a sure fire way to keep even the saddest of us living with rays of hope! Just include it on top of what your already doing and if you do it long enough with a passion to lift your spirits I promise you ... you'll always go back to it despite ongoing issues that life throws at us. I know I do!!! Each time I go back to it, the healing effects just get better each time.
__________________________________________________ ___

Srry for the ramble. Is about time for me ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZssss I'm not quite perfecting everything ... just utilizing the knowing that comes to me naturally as I keep getting back up and redoing what I know works so well for me. I guess it all comes back to that realization that we are in fact the light. Sometimes it's just that we need to actually go and stand in the light in order to feel what it feels like in order that we can make such a connection.

Whatever works for you guys. There's a lot more to living naturally in a toxic world. It never used to be this complicated - but if there is one piece of advice I could give no matter what or where anyone is at ... that is your looking to make changed that last ... then commit to a walking routine that gets you out 3 times a day. Start small like with twice a day and maybe just pop out into the back yard to sit in the sun. Just break things up a bit is all.

Adios ... until next post.

[Ponder]

Incredible thing happened today. My meditation chair must have some kind of residual energy. I've really been focusing of late. Whilst sitting in it playing chess outdoors today I starting shifting between dimensions. Thankfully each time I came back the electronic chess computer had processed it's move. Don't beleive me ... well this whole claim is evidence based - see the pic below!


https://image.ibb.co/d9h6fQ/Playing_Outdoor_Chess_embeded_in_singe_layer.gif

PS this post is endorsed by PT - Your Portal Technology specialists!

[Ponder]

My Biggest Problem Today:

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4342/36192047931_8e943e7e6f_b.jpg (https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4342/36192047931_acb6f14fda_o.jpg)


The computer actually played aggressively against me today. I did not have time to finish however it was an awesome game. I'm definitely going to play more in the days to come and play outside as well. Was a good change of pace.

[Ponder]

Righto ...Inspired by one of our newest members I have finally decided to pick up my brothers guitar since his death back in 2014. Thx Liftmeister!

I've toyed with it once or twice, but never really installed the learning software on my com like I used to use. I only know like 2 riffs at most ... there are some old rusty ones I could pick back up but will suffice learning new tunes. I like Spanish tunes, a few classical and some bass picking with melodies. I am a slow learner so is going to take me time to learn new tunes and my wife will no doubt wish for me to keep it down. I don't mind picking quietly so should be find there:


https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4323/36285482106_4e663c4551_b.jpg (https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4323/36285482106_bc3a63c062_o.jpg)





I need to download an updated version of Guitar Pro in order to play one of the Spanish Files I have. I'll work on that tomorrow sometime.
Here is one tune/exercise I might start learning with - going to start real basic:

(I often choose to hear these in steel string mode as I don't mind playing some of these pieces on a dreadnought guitar)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCFxoPmgepQ&feature=youtu.be

Got to love these tangents I have hey. I know I do!!! Lets see if I can pick up from the last "line" of strings I was belting out all those years ago. :)

[Ponder]

Not much happening. Still yet to beat the electronic chess computer on lvl 16. One day soon enough I guess. Shopping out of the way, started weeding back year. LONG OVER DUE. House inspection soon so have a lot of chores to do. Hmmm ... have been relaxing with exercise and put back more weight on ... BUT that is OK! ... Yawnsssss :) ... Got a call today about getting back on the Mentor Program which will be real helpful with all the bullshit re family court. Could not of come at a better time for me. I'be been grasping at straws of late re humanity. Things we do to pass the time:
https://image.ibb.co/jxQiCF/WOT.gif
I've been fascinated with human history of late . Mostly the part that's nearly been eradicated or simply not taught. Here is two YouTube videos that explain really well the suppression of human consciousness.
Part 1 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMMYsJbs5a8&list=PLU7uB3u-JFwu-F3AJpv2Wxfkd2Ti0g9Lc&index=6) & Part 2 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-cNJi3c9C9M&list=PLU7uB3u-JFwu-F3AJpv2Wxfkd2Ti0g9Lc&index=5&t=1s)

I have put this guys book on my amazon wish list and have for now settled with the above two links and the below YouTube Vid of the Author reading aloud of chapter 1 from his book:
The Illusion of Us: The Suppression and Evolution of Human Consciousness (https://www.amazon.com/Illusion-Us-Suppression-Evolution-Consciousness-ebook/dp/B01C2YBH3U/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1466446220&sr=8-1)

Chapter One YouTube:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l5ElVoR6J0w

[Ponder]

Remember when sending a text message use to be done like this:

https://image.ibb.co/fP5Uma/Sending_a_text_message_10.gif



Or going back only to say about 1970 to 80 when we used to play in a magical placed called OUTSIDE?

https://image.ibb.co/cu45Ra/enhanced_buzz_13473_1439492956_9.jpg





Man ... how FAST things have changed.

https://image.ibb.co/dfZx6a/Robots_Human_Vision_990x521.jpg

[Ponder]

A really cool game of World of Tanks. I took out a heavy tank and copped a hard hit. From there I crack a shit and pushed on through taking home a win. :)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=413Cc88g3Y0



Putting all conflicts aside ... I now light a candle and wish you all well.
Adios ... Until next post!
https://image.ibb.co/c4yARa/Farewell.gif

[Dahila]

D so you already quit the new forum?

[Ponder]

Just getting ready for bed D ---- so will have to make real quick. No ... it still there ... the concept still lives on in my static head. :) I have been real busy over here:
https://forum.davidicke.com/showthread.php?t=318341
https://forum.davidicke.com/showthread.php?t=318348

But you have to join to see what I've been doing. I've been mixing it up with others on another site. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/trollface/devil-troll-smiley-emoticon.png

You know I typically go back to things that I start. That one may just take some time. It just made sense for me to go join another place to get some stuff off my chest. I kind of tried to explain but I leave that in FB :) Have had to do a lot of driving around and also need to get back into my exercise activities ,,, have a house inspection again and more driving around for court related appointments.

Thanks for asking though. I hope this finds you well.

Here is the last post I made ... but over at the David Icke Forum:
__________________________________________________ ________________________


A Newbie Ramble - Because I need to. Still trying to make sense.

Yea we are in this together ... but here is my take, my confusion. I'll share it for what it's worth in case there are any like minded people that would like to assist.


How do we get off our knees? How do we spread the message and what is the message?


I was chewed up by the church as a child and spat out in my teens. It took a lifetime to unlearn. Now I am called the devil and have been disowned. My brother was not so lucky. He killed himself back in 2014.


I was already in the transition of turning to new age "stuff" and dabbled in eastern philosophy. Sadly my brother before his opting out had a hard time processing any of the new information I was offering. He went to his early grave full of blame and shame. It was quite tragic - it still is.


It was several years before that something in me clicked. I started using bio feedback and self hypnosis + guided meditation with great success. I tuned into nature and felt a new lease of life welling up in me. Eventually this period waned - but - it left a lasting positive impression on me. I'm not sure why this honey moon period was as it was. I think I had more learning to do as my intuition as I had come to learn it, reasoned that I was once again being subject to the same old BS I had previously endured with the church. A sense of club mentality, dogmatic systems of belief with obvious hierarchical systems. Every one was talking about "The Secret" How to look more attractive, gain more money, wealth, more status. Anything you wanted all you had to do was read this book and just beleive what ever you wanted into existence.


I still found it fascinating knowing to well the same fallibility that I saw within the charismatic, Pentecostal and Evangelical churches was rife with these new fang dangled soon to be what I later refereed to as plastic yuppietarians whom many later went went the the way of cereal packed namastes. Basically I lost myself to an overwhelming bitterness during those years as I felt that was no answers in site. It was as if everyone was simply buying whatever BS hit the shelves.


Some how that light that had previously come to life in me the years before ... still kept lit like the pilot light of a hot water system. I stopped labeling these followers of whatever book/way and or guru worshiping and just accepted it was what is was and is what it is. I focused more on the bits of info each of these systems were hijacking, rehashing and reselling from the other. Perhaps hijacking is to strong a word as by this time I started becoming a lot less judgmental and more interested in the art of gleaning.


I came across mindfulness which really helped. By way of Jon Kabt-Zin. His Google presentation which was the beginning of my sub 2 hour video all you could eat buffets. I also downloaded his audio book Everywhere You Go There You Are book. Shortly after this I started taking in Eckhart Tolle. I listened to the both for hours and hours. Pod casting on my walks ... text to speech and on and on. The stuff these guys had to offer really sank in well for me (although I am a slow leaner)


THEN ... comes the Zeitgeist Series. This was just as much an eye opener. I had to be careful not to get caught up losing myself as a sense of something similar to what I saw in the new age movement seem to be rife on our local Facebook group. The Australian one. Is hard to explain. My wife and I found the wider world sites to be less negative and more open to seeking solutions, but the home chapter was very segregated in their views. People who had more status and money seemed to be more open to each other and less receptive to those who had less to offer. After trying to reach out and seeing this ... we opted out and simply just kept the info we had gleaned and shared it with family and friends. Many of who were not ready to accept.


THEN ... I came across a guy on Youtube called RICH who was talking about sole contracts. I think I was searching about something else but you know how it goes. Then things lead to the Demiurge and I'm like WTF is this shit? BUT I was absolutely intrigued with the psychology and how it fit in line with the Zeitgeist Series revelations re control mechanisms. All I need do was remove the images of reptilian aliens that popped up in my head and I was like WOW ... this story makes a lot of sense. I even thought it crossed well with the reincarnation scenarios of eastern philosophies to which in my then view was quite depressive; another form of imprisonment and punishment. The latter I now don't see quite the same although still do.


I popped back and forth between RICH's channel and a website he mentions that I can no longer find. Eventually I grew tired of the story as it just seemed to be constantly on doom and gloom. I was however very interesting in the OBEs ... BUT not from your usual teen age / immature mentality. Again ... I had to sift through all the club/cult mentality and hysteria often associated with such fascinating dramas. I was looking to go within not to escape ... however next comes the doubt bind.


Introducing Alan Watts. Everything is now a double bind. Again ... fascinating stuff. I've already read in here a few views that find this gentle giant all doom and gloom. I'm not sure I completely agree with that assessment because there is just too much I don't know. I can only judge my own assessments and still I don't know enough - but the common theme is that's totally OK ... and in fact a requirement in order to grow. lol That is not to say we ignore the truth ... but a level of ignorance need not be a bad thing.


Terence McKenna and a host of other names I have crossed paths with ... which about brings me to my capacity in this post. It's taken Years of gleaning and self reflection on a heart felt level. Over the last 3 and a half years I have lost a 3rd of my body weight and kept it off, no longer on antipsychotics and won back the respect of my family and peers. This I only mention to attest to the truth I have gleaned being somewhat of a salvation for me.


So it was not long ago I discovered David Icke and I really like the way he tells the demiurge story. I have to admit though ... I really do care less about the control mechanisms on our planet right now. I mean no offense to those that gain a lot of comfort from clinging to such things. I just feel there is something bigger happening in my point of time and the bigger scheme of things. I am more attracted on the discourse that relates to energy transfers, consciousness, inter dimensions, relationships of concepts, contexts and more of the underlying dynamics that can be used to help us make connections that count and offer more than just hope. Although hope is better than the constant selling of fear that's hijacked in the same way new age paper backs seem to proclaim their own ways to prosperity and success. The latter being the other end of the scale which is as depressive in other ways.
_________________________________


Righto ... I pull up now. Srry if I have made no real points. It was indeed a ramble. One I have been wishing to sift through for quite some time.


I just wish I could work out what it is that I wish to accomplish by taking more of the alien scenario in. I know it's another level of remaining open and I know that's been extremely healing for me. Stripping away layers of old ideals and beliefs is a powerful thing, but I also think there is room to adopt more ... but only if those new ones I take on board can be as easily peeled.


Yea ... I best give up although can't really say I am ahead.


Thanks for listening and letting me open up. If you feel anything that's of worth to say then by all means please do so. I sense there is a lot of negativity out there ... but will just ignore as is recommended to me. I use the ignore feature earl on and just stay in touch with those of you who come across in tune. I can always switch back latter if need be.


The spiritual element that tends to compassion and kindness can often be misconstrued as whimsical and I understand why. Oh Dear ... Oh Darling ... and so on ... forgive the generalizing as is not that simple to gauge with intuition ... just trying to make a point. Moreover just how threatening compassion and kindness is to those who thrive on fear. So it is that I prefer to stick with the dears and darlings despite my own reservations going down that route. Smiles.


Oh Dear ...


Once again ... thanks for the space and thanks for listening.


Sweet Dreams.
Goodnight. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleep.gif


PS - Forgive the typos ... sever dyslexia

[Ponder]

This game I took out the little guy out and was rewarded with 1st place as received 1st Mastery Badge! Tank was ranked second lowest on the team.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nw8MO5MSQqk&feature=youtu.be



Adios - Until Next Post
https://image.ibb.co/nEZoEv/until_next_postl.gif

[Ponder]

Don't take shit too seriously! Life is too short.

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4356/35985470830_efdba14d8e_o.jpg

[Ponder]

Its all starting to sink in:
https://youtu.be/uA69MLQQeck
Just a few more like.

Edit ... ding!
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Iail_al0-ZQ

[Ponder]

A night sleeping unprepared in my car:
Did not get much sleep. Woke up to head lights peering through my front widescreen.

Me trying to sleep in my car:
https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4385/36347324736_cbf9da2e9f_o.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/XnTxjG)


Basically I was unable to sleep at home due to the amount of smoke in the air as a result from a neighbors fire pit. It's an old issue and one that I found best just to jump on the car and head down to the bay in order to breath. For whatever reason I am very sensitive to the smoke and unable to breath through my nose whenever they have their fire burning. I actually have a hard enough time with my nose in ideal conditions.

My removing myself from the situation worked quite well, however I did not pick a good spot sleep in my car. I ended up parking by the ocean side with a good good breeze and near a toilet block which was a big mistake. Cars kept coming and going all night and eventually I wok up with headlights peering straight through my windscreen. I was not impressed. I asserted my presence wondering if these young fucks had a petrol can. I had no need for any words other than a "Have a good evening!" and then I moved on.

They followed me - I pulled up and doubled back behind them on a main street high beaming them through their back screen. I motioned to record with my dash cam which was already running. They went through a set of lights and I turned the other way ducking through a number of backstreets. Eventually I arrived back home about 5 hours after I left ... 3:30am The smell of smoke was still in the air but much more bearable. I went to sleep woke up and wrote this little story.

Now it's time for a cup of tea. Next time I will pick a good more appropriate spot ... one without a toilet block! : )

[Ponder]

Time to take a break once more. Balance things out a bit. The conspiracy theory crowed can be quite draining whilst offering little hope.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Still Resting:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wwjcNiQQWAw

Still a Fake Person on a Fake Stage of my own creation in a Fake Matrix. I think I'm getting closer to the truth. But only I can know that. :)

[Ponder]

Imo ...that was a good find. It's time for me to reset this thread as I did the last. Before doing so I would do well to define a new intention as to where I am now and where I want to be. I'm tending that only point of interested is well-being.

I'm closing in on dropping many schools of thought now nearing my latest cycle of deep filtration. I can pick them up another time or if I'm lucky there will be no need. It's time to clean out the filters and start organizing those bits of information that are relevant to me.

In order to set a new intention and or make new goals on a road focused on "recovery" (still not the best word but will suffice) I feel it beneficial to break down some of the above presentation when I have time.

..... Until next post ....
https://image.ibb.co/nEZoEv/until_next_postl.gif

[Dahila]

yep focus on you , utilize the knowledge you get, and stop watching to many videos. You know that people like us need peace and do not well with excitement. My daughter come back from vacation, so I have no dog , I had changed the sheets wash the blankets, the dogie was everywhere. Honestly I am not used to animals anymore, not on my bed and following me all the time for ten days. I like peace and calm.......I hoped you will continue with the mediation forum............eh

[Ponder]

eh ... lol. Hi D. I hear what your saying. Had a good session with the therapist today. NOT MINE ... I think Pfff when people talk like "My"doctor or "MY"therapist. As long as they think like that, they'll always be sick.

So anyways ... Yea ... relaxing today. Good call D :)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HBnes-Twf6w&feature=youtu.be

PS good to see you again. I will make time to FB chat with you soon enough. When we both have time.

[Ponder]

I could not help myself:

https://youtu.be/xh6V8xigZc4
Night D :)

[Dahila]

yeah Scientology make me laugh and he is really good. I love listening his talks

[Ponder]

I know what you mean ... http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/laughing-hysterically-smiley-emoticon.gif

[Ponder]

Time to start taking some of my own advice. Hmmmmmm ... not much time this morning and have sand still stuck in my eye. OUCH!!!!!! The little guy's back foot flicked up an eye full when I was chasing him by the waters edge and holly *&^#!!! I was like instantly frozen in meditative thought and how the *&^# am I going to deal with this situation with the little one still in full speed mode jumping all over the place. I manage to gently wrap in him one arm, BUT - consider what it's like trying to negotiate with asd symptomatic traits seeking to be in full control while I now have to make this moment about me. *&^%!!!!!!!

It was kind of funny looking back. Poor kid was having trouble processing whilst I attempted to explain that I had a sandcastle chunk grinding my eye. I'm like one arm outstretched, JOEY - JOEY ... come on buddy we got to go and clean out pops eye. LOL He is like fully No No NO NO ... Long story short I managed to get back to the car - strap him to finally operated on the side of the street. Once done when went back for round two if only to end on a good note.

eUnfortunately I woke up this morning with still some grit wedged under my lid. It hurts like hell. Have showered a few times without success ... rolled my eye and lifted the lid and all that. I just try to relax and maybe attempt the cup trick. It's just that it really and I mean REALLY hurts. Enough crying.

I go do breakfast ... then grab a cup and try one more eye wash ... last resort go and see if one of those doctors down the road can actually help!


ANYWAYS ... yea ... would be cool to start writing back some of my own thoughts and give that of others a break. Back to creating ones own reality. Mine always seem to have more light at the end of the tunnel and more about enjoying the now. That said though ... has been good taking in other peoples perspective BUT more so allowing myself to go to uncomfortable places. I think that's half the problem with this current world. Everyone want 24/7 comfort and they want it without doing the work. Hence the last few posts and ------ D if your reading ... I am fully in tune with your frustration at this incessant need of FULL TIME validation. You kind of hinted or said as much in one of your recent posts. I could not agree more. Validation is quite a good thing ... but man ... it takes on a different smell and reeks in placed like these.

Until next post: https://image.ibb.co/iRayjk/What_Is_A_Reptilian_D_Chace.png

[Dahila]

yep, that's not funny thanks D.

[Ponder]

It's that time again. Vlog number 21! Once again they are unlisted and only liked via this thread with no intention of self promotion when it comes to likes, subscribes and or hits. I guess one could question the self promotion side of things with any kind of online content whether it be a YouTube video down to a journal like this. Like the saying goes, Intention is everything. Knowing what one wants is said to be key, but I struggle a lot with that word want. I think it's mostly a confidence issue to be sure and whilst I like to be read ... to be seen ... I really don't want anywhere near all that crap that's constantly sold on TV. More over the mindset that comes from wanting to want in order to achieve. Now I am talking in circles and beleive me when I say I annoy myself doing such things.

To do things backwards I start off with the following as is the note I finish of my Vlog with:

Seven of Nine ... The BS Truth about Individuality:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BMfuNDnG3rw


Vlog 21 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PU4lad_gu5A&feature=youtu.be) ← Here.

PS - I still love your signature Dahila. :)

Until next post:
https://image.ibb.co/nEZoEv/until_next_postl.gif

[Ponder]

What do you think of the new avatar? I've been cutting them out of Terence McKenna Youtube vids and importing into photoshop:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-RrvAyatd3s

Not sure what the fixation on SEX is with the people who put together his presentations. Seems to be a rather hung up crowed bent on drugs and sex. Gypsy once asked my what I thought of Terrence Mckenna vids. I got to say with the amount of sexual content depicted over his dialogue ... that the graphics designer/S must be nymphomaniacs hanging out for another hit? I also think there is a type of yuppy club mentality associated to the "thing" of taking drugs as well. It would be good to see some of his content without all the buzz - music and art - being always layered overs his talks.

Ironic that I should think in such a way as somebody into images myself. The romancing is unbalanced [as am I] imo when it comes to his video presentations - HOWEVER this has nothing to do with the man himself. I'm yet to really determine what I think of Terrence Mckenna.

May he be Resting in Peace.

[Ponder]

Goodnight zzzzzzzzzzzz

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=92i5m3tV5XY
Or:
//youtu.be/wnh9NmU_oKc (https://youtu.be/wnh9NmU_oKc)

[Ponder]

Today's highlight ... I finally beat my electronic chess set on level 16. Have only slept 3 hours as wen to the hospital get my eye irrigated re the sand in it from the beach. There was some very fine bits still in it as the cornea we scratched. On antibiotic drops. I cringed when the doctor joked saying I was free to go whilst she had a laugh with the attending nurse. I have a history at that hospital and given they have the power to in fact imposed Involuntary Treatment Orders ... I did not appreciate that joke. I was fucking tired, sore as and in a lot of pain. I was feeling quite vulnerable thinking that last comment they made and they way they laughed about it was really fucking low! I lodged a complain and now letting it go. They really don't give two fucks about vunrable cases, otherwise they would think more carefully before opening their mouths.

You have to have a history of having your freedom taken away to understand. Regardless of wrong or right - like I said professionals should be more thoughtful when opening their fucking mouths. I was only up their a few years ago as a suicide case.

This is why I really don't care for society and like to stay the fuck away from everyone in it. Just goes to show no matter how much ground you make, the world is never going to change. Like I said in my vid ... nothing's changed. Escaped a bashing only just the other week whilst trying to just fucking sleep.

I guess I'll bounce back. Just need to avoid certain types of people. Hospitals, doctors and all those kind of toxic folk ... next time sleep in the bush and not on the street.

Not in a good mood today - as if you can't tell.

But glad to of finally beaten my chess computer on level 16. That will suffice ... Now heading over to pick the little one up for an overnight stay. ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz I guess I will zonk out when the little one does.




Chased him down with my Knight, Queen and King. :)
https://image.ibb.co/nD04ev/Chess_Levle_16_White_Wins.gif

[Ponder]

Not doing well tonight. Mind is ruminating over the smart ass remarks and the way they laughed at me up at the hospital. Going into the mentalhealth group ﹰI'm part of sometime tommorow to see if that will help. Eye is slowly getting better although still sore as all $#@k!

[AbeCro]

Smart ass remarks are hard for me to deal with sometimes. One tipped my anxiety back into overdrive back in may when I joined this group, most of the time I can joke and b/s with people. The site has helped me the most with getting back on track and learning to let go of all the small things as best I can, so much info I didn't know about anxiety.

[Ponder]

Glad your able to still post. Real life situations have a far greater impact on me than the offenses that take place in these digital playgrounds. Information overload can be a real bitch. The quality of it in places like these takes a lot of work to sift through but at times pays off.

All the best.

Time for me to get up and get on with life in world of form.

[martin05]

That was really unprofessional of them. As if a hospital visit isn't grim enough already. You could complain, but I guess you just want to give the place a wide berth, right?

Nice work on beating Lvl 16. I think I'm gonna invest in one of those boards. I used to have one as a kid. I remember enjoying it.

[Ponder]

Thank You. I really appropriate being heard and apologize if my responses are coming off as inconsiderate. I really am struggling but pleased to say after popping into the mental Health facility for support today I am feeling much better.

I am in the process of making a formal complaint with the help of the centre I go to. I'll just try not to get to caught up in it. I got quite abusive in my emails over the weekend but thankfully now can explain more coherently later today. I'm also getting an advocate to come with my to a new doctor. I often go through doctors like toilet paper. It's a failing on both sides of the fence, no just my labels. As much as I don't want to go to the hospital or see doctors, I admit that there are times where this can't be avoided no matter how impervious or resilient I try to be.

Yea ... those electronic chess sets are quite a fun distraction with positive benefits on my brain Martin. I make a post later when I have time as I am thinking of getting another one ... maybe. I explain why later.

Thank you again Martin and AbeCro for popping in.

Abecro ... I really am sorry about the smart ass remarks. Whilst we can say we are just human I know it does little to take out the sting. Best I can say for my part is that I am willing to work with others who are willing to work with me regardless of those times we disconnect.

I think this is the way it can be with myself, martin, gypsy and also others that may often find ourselves on different pages. Yep some of us can be as inconsiderate as those we are frustrated with. I know this ... I also regret being that way during whatever periods ... I still feel that we should challenge each other from time to time without going overboard or venturing into the realm of abuse.

I am srry guys ... have not bee well of late but I try not to make it an excuse. Just saying is all.

Thanks again to both of you for popping in.

AbeCro ... I say again all the best. Your welcome back in my thread anytime.

[iwanttobeok]

What the hell were they thinking? Taken out of context, it seems so messed up, let alone in context. That's so dehumanizing and sounds like Mean Girls. Unfortunately, despite what people say about America being lawsuit-happy, many people let stuff like this happen. And yes I understand the situation from experience.

On a brighter note, I'm going to see where I can get me one of those chess boards XD

[Ponder]

Thanks iwanttobeok.

Before I post about my thinking on getting another electronic chess set, I share my final complaint that I emailed in response to a request that wanted more information. I will also attach to a letter and send it by mail. It takes effort to stand up for oneself but I know we need more people to follow though with complaints if any of us are to be heard:

Not the best complaint as I am still really tired from a huge week but like I said ... better to lodge something rather than note. The encouragement from the group I intend really helped:


My complaint for what it's worth:
_______________________________________

Please disregard my two other emails which were reactionary. I am on a disability pension for mental illness which made suffering the humiliation of their joking with me (re Your Free To Go now with the laughter at my expense) I have a history where my freedom has been taken from me and also been self admitted on suicide watch in the hospital. Regardless of wrong or right the but joke that was made had the potential to see me relapse in a serious way.


I think you should take this complaint seriously. I actually took a petrol can into an employment agency in Toowoomba QLD before being pensioned off. The humiliation I suffered at the hands of said resident doctor and the way the attending nurse laughed at the end lead me to going home in quite a state which lasted until I had the chance to touch base at the local Mental Health Psycho Socialization Service (AKA Flourish) where I could have a one on one about the indecent. Whilst there was no danger of me going back to burn the hospital down, I did feel like killing myself. I understand saying that is no skin off society's nose hens the way many of us that suffer with mental illness are treated.


I only went to the hospital because all the 24 on call doctors where booked out the health care nurse I called said I should get my eyes checked out at least within 4 hours. I was very tiered, sore and vulnerable. That said I was rather well behaved. I explaiuned that I had trouble communicating. That I have trouble of hearing and suffer from ASD. I was only upset in the beginning when I had to repeat my story with the resident doctor who immediately developed an attitude towards me the moment I protested about repeating my story. She even googled me with her eyes when talking to me.


I actually checked myself knowing I needed help so was very complaint and regretted my initial objection to repeating story. From that point on this resident doctor was very snappy with me up until the point where she made the but joke when I had my backed turned making my way to the door out. It was not what she said but the way she said it. "Your FREE to go!" and then both she and the male nurse laughed. I felt like exploding there and then, but I did not. I just left feeling extremely humiliated and then of course you have my reactionary email the span of the next two days.


I am actually active in my mental health recovery attending Flourish (a peer based mental health service) where I do courses, interact with peers. I have been having regular psycho therapy sessions for years running now. I eat clean using nutrition, exercise and many other facets of clean living to help keep my stable. I am receive help via a mentoring service with one of the local employment agencies and also run a registered charity with my wife.


I don't do drugs or drink. I am respected among my peers.


The way I was treated at the Harvey bay hospital by that resident doctor and how she but spoke down to me and then but joked me on the way out the door as if I was being held against my will was disgusting. I am well aware the hospital will not tolerate abuse from patients and try very hard not to react because I am not feeling well. I feel these public servants should also be accountable when dealing with vulnerable people.


I regret my last two emails via the online complaints. I really do. I have remorse when I act out like that and it makes me regress. I am sorry for the way I have reacted but at least I did not carry on like that in the hospital or do it in a way the negatively impacted on anyone else. I was the only one that has been impacted like so.


Please consider adding this to my complain seeing as I have now had time to be counselled and provide more additional information.


I was given a printout at flourish to make a formal complain.


I will print this out and attached it and also send it in.


Thank you for your time.


Regretfully
Mr ------- -----------

[Ponder]

I beat level 17 today. :) below pic half way through game ... ended up with most pieces off the board and a queen promotion to win the day. : )

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4349/36164885950_ec31a0158a_b.jpg

I'm just looking over a few electronic sets on eBay and can see I am lucky to have the one I have. These retro sets are getting hard to find in complete working order.

Search under:
Electronic Chess

I used to own a much smaller one but found it was not so great for my eyes. I also found a smaller set to be too bunched up from a perspective context which is not great for my mind. The sizing between pieces and board is also another important factor to consider:

---- My older set I got rid of: (click pic to enlarge)
https://farm9.staticflickr.com/8737/28637667276_d5472179d6.jpg (https://www.flickr.com/photos/71988794@N08/28637667276/sizes/o/)

Pros & Cons of the one I have. (Picture at top) ... AA batteries is great. They last for many hours - dozens of games with each lasting many hours. I don't like the C size batteries and think getting older sets like that will only result in very slow response times. In fact now being at lvl 18 on my board requires a lot of patience - BUT - I don't mind. I am a slow player and now do some chores in between my moves. The set can take up to 5 minutes to make one move when past lvl 16. That said once there are less pieces on the board the game speeds back up. Learning to play slower is good for me ... I am now seeing a lot more patterns to the game since persisting and taking my time. I think AA batter boards are a good choice.

There are a lot of new sets out now but I don't like the small sized ones. I like my board to be at least 25cm square. I find that the perfect compromise for me. Portable without being too small.

Some boards allow for setting up certain scenarios and playing Mate in so many moves. Mind does not do that ... just now in the process of tracking one of those down .. but not a tiny board. I also don't like the liquid crystal display only boards ... I mean the type that only have a little embed LCD chess board, however I may put up with if I can find everything else I prefer.

In the mean time you can also just use a mobile phone with a cheap board. That works just as well ... It's that I like the FEEL that comes with an all in one unit. It feels heap better when it's just me and the board without the need to fumble around with other devices. I'm getting sick of using my phone all the time.

https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1681/25247431864_06e3c8c663_n.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/Et2FTo)

That size was more a gimmick that of use to me, however using the phone with a larger board is still quite enjoyable when I want to play quicker games. Hopefully I find a faster response electronic all in one board, but like I say that one I own its pretty damn fun!

Anyways ... I keep looking around before I hit the sack.

until next post.

[Ponder]

Novag Make some pretty good sets. Here is one currently selling on Ebay ... however I don't think will be available when I have the money next month.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7sAvribpPvA

Ebay link (http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/NOVAG-OBSIDIAN-Electronic-Chess-Computer/282608716305?_trkparms=aid%3D222007%26algo%3DSIM.M BE%26ao%3D2%26asc%3D45736%26meid%3Dba1c05dc639647e dad1931e2381c4ed2%26pid%3D100005%26rk%3D2%26rkt%3D 6%26sd%3D263104718695&_trksid=p2047675.c100005.m1851) for AU

This set is quite strong as far as chess engine goes with many of the options I am looking for. I would buy for sure if I had the money now. Hopefully there will be something like it when my time comes. I'm not selling my other one this time. Like I said ... the good ones like these are getting harder to get.

A new one will do ... but has to be at least as big as mine or the one in video. The USB varieties like DGT are way overpriced.

[Ponder]

Research complete for the night ...
http://www.ebay.com/itm/Millennium-ChessGenius-Chess-Genius-M810-Grandmaster-Electronic-Chess-Computer-/152537728403?hash=item2383f50593:g:zWwAAOSwQoFWO2Z N

That would be a good set for all the functions and power of cpu BUT and this is a BIG BUT ... the readout really sucks! One of those tine little lcd chess screen layouts. I'd much rather prefer the LCD letter readouts which is much easier on the eyes and more resistance to outdoor light.

OR settle for a cheap talking one as a compromise:
http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/Chess-Master-Electronic-Talking-Voice-Chess-Games-Computer-Set-8-in-1-Brain-Game/142377618908?hash=item21265e0ddc%3Ag%3A51QAAOSwEzx YR3jU


There are a few kids version of these for around $40-$50 that would also suffice but again ... I much prefer the readout of the older sets.
I think I will opt out using a smart phone and separate board for more powerful and rich features ... but stick with retro sets for that all in one complete feel.

OK OCD done ...
Night ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Dahila]

D. I wonder if you can do something for me. ON MF , can you delete my account. One less place to float my email. You quit on it so do I, can you do it for me, if it is not too much trouble? Forget it, I just had done it. Thanks :) I miss our chats

[martin05]

Thanks for the research Ponder!

How did you develop your chess game? Did you read any books, or did you just develop better strategy through game play? I play a very aggressive game, which is ok against amateurs, but higher levels and better players are able to guard against my aggression fairly easily.

[Ponder]

D, I deleted the forum over a week ago. No one was interested. I often start things and pick them up later. Some I don't. It was not my intention to let you down. Srry. I go through a similar phase as do some of my other friends playing online games. The family courts and new orders re my grand son is very intense. I actually spend a 'lot' of time looking after my grandson and daughter despite my time in here + my routine which suffered quite a but during my recent forum phase. None the less I learned more about meditation. Currently I am mentally exhausted as to is my wife. Things will pick up soon enough. I guess the time difference only makes it all the more harder. I have an old work mate on the same timezone as me also wondering where I have been. Things will pick up soon enough. I do enjoy our fb chats which we can still have. :)

Hi martin, I learned to play chess in primary and high school. Although I excelled at sport I actually hung out in the library quite a bit. My step father also liked to play. I also played in two different prisons. Seems to be popular in prison.

I used to play aggresive and did quite well playing like that. However I found others with a higher rating soon knocking me off my perch which made me question how I rush things. I never studied chess books, openings or any technical stuff. Just read briefly about it all. However I do have a puzzel book I enjoey from time to time and just now starting to watch online training videos. I really love playing the electronic chess set as it's teaching me to take my time.

I'd be happy to play email or corrasponsance chess with you? Game Knot is great for that? Just take turns during your waking moments when time permits.

I best get up now and go for my walk. Excuse typos. Lazy post in bed from phone. :)

[Ponder]

https://image.ibb.co/fP38Pv/Unplugged_Complete_Logo_Copy.png

[Ponder]

Toying with a new Idea I think my grandson will love. I know I will. Building a train layout that will fit into a large suitcase. There a many designs out there, but this is the best layout I can find thus far for the space. It's a two tier loop giving it a little more expansive viewing other than just a single loop. Like I say ... just toying with the idea. :)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_WDDZnFW9AY

https://image.ibb.co/ijQ72F/Train_1.jpg

Having it in a portable case will make it easy to take over to my grandsons place as well as keep it all localized to stop him from pulling it to pieces. :)

I'll be able to make a few layouts and stack the cases on top of each other. Different themes. Hmmm - I wonder what I will think of tomorrow. lol

Here is the → blog (http://www.scottpages.net/SuitcaseZ.htm).

Opens up the door to modeling structures like → these (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Fxn8Cn9CFA)

Night night ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

[Liftmeister]

Hope youre keeping it up with the guitar!!

[Ponder]

I guess this is a good example where hope is not always enough. :) The short answer is NO. It has not rinsed well for me. Too much OCD. I installed the software, downloaded tabs, set up an area, and did a hole lot more to get things going - BUT it then fizzled out. I am only keeping my guitar because it was the last thing my brother poured his soul into before he killed himself.

I have many bobbies to keep me grounded. If anything I am in the process of cutting back. The Chess Playing will stay. My recent in-depth research into Model Railway has lead me to deciding it's not for me. I'm up and down with many things. During that time ... things like chess, drawing, reading, writing, photography have pretty much always been with me. The guitar has not. If anything my latest attempt has helped me to understand where I am at, and that I really don't yearn for it like I once did.

I'm looking to get back into something ... but at this stage I am not quire sure what.

Walking! I am back into walking and soaking up the sun. Back into doing my best to regulate my emotion.

[Ponder]

I'm just kicking back before clocking off on yet another day done on planet Earth. It's quite a draining place for many of us to live - hey? So may dynamics within our day that require us to look in order to protect those we love, not to mention the effort to 'account' that we may acquire the means in order to eat, sleep and breath. One's status as based upon the measure of our society, deems the amount of shame and blame associated to our identity to which many of us are inexorably preconditioned to think is the only way. It's pretty fucked hey. Yea it is! Just as well as I don't subscribe to such sheepish ways. None the less it's pretty fucking depressing either way.

Yep ... is what it is. Fuck that shit. I'm done with pussy footing on the subject and going back to my old ways of filtering by saying it like it is ... then of course moving on.

Is all good ... atm I am listening to:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_VXSpSiDEM

Once you unload that fucking shit for what it is ... it's not so hard to breathe. ... well most nights I guess ... BUT ... I guess ass we get older and our body starts to fall apart ... striving for grace makes those rays of sunshine feel like that's all one needs. Fuck the rest that everybody is trying to outdo the others with. Sigh ... Yep. That rain in my headphones and the flutes are sounding pretty damn good.
__________________________

I do beleive I have pretty much driven my anylitcal thinking mind into the wall enough times over this last week to make me appreciate that good old feeling of just staring into space without a fucking care of what word or thoughts come next. Yep sir re! Nope ... sorry mate, don't know my phone number. If that's what you have then that will have to do. : ) It truly is amusing to see how so many people are disgusted when others really could care less of what others think BUT then you get those few who know what it's like and well ... seeing those people is like when your in less pain that you can enjoy those rays of sunshine ... that's what it's like when you meet others who also don't give two fucks. Yep ... the're out there, you just got to stop giving a fuck in a way that knows no bitterness to what is in order to see. Like now being able to curse without the tension or disgust that others take on when it crosses their rigid belief they may or may not read. Off you go ... on ya way ... that's the spirit. Go start a pray chain for those of us that challenge you so. Is OK ... you can forgive us for our ungodly ways. We won't hold that against you. You will do that yourself.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Is a sad world indeed that we talk and think of each other in such ways. Is why so many in here are always full of anxiety as they subscribe to believing and living in such ways. Same old shit ... church or not ... it's all the same.

Oh yea ... we got the GAY marriage vote happening here atm ... Still in the stone ages here. Same old shit on the News. LOL @ the media still using 9/11 as a comparison to terrorist attacks. People still are so gullible to believe it was anything other than their own government who orchestrated that. GTA Grand Theft Auto seems to be the new way of killing people hey? Whatever ... Ya reap what ya Sow Society. No grief this end. My family is already suffering for us to really care what happens on the other end. Fact is my son could be run over in Melbourne as seems to be where the craze started no so long ago. Another missing Seven Year Old hey ... Oh Well. Shit Happens. The sun will still rise tommorow and I have a grandson to keep from being abused in a court system that really only gives a fuck about it's own authority and NOT the interest of said child. For those of us at the end of the stick on a daily basis ... we know it's really all a load of BS.

Best you can do is aim to be beaten less as possible ... for those of us born into shit. No worries though ... we just consume a little more to ease the pain. If your comfy then you can afford to attach to all those news stories and be taken up in the 'oh mys!" Awwwwwwww ... or Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr ... both as detrimental as the other.

Yep ... no room for padding the ass tonight.

Just got to keep getting back up ... exposing myself to what little is left of nature and working on my receptive abilities to keep my spirits up enough to defend the foot close to home. As the world begins to get worse with each passing day ... so the effort increases to make it from day to day. Fuck Yea!

Time to go recharge. ZZZZZZZzzzzzz Please to report I am still meditating. Fuck Yea to that as well. hmmmmm ... thoughts tick tick tick .... tick tick and more tick tick.

I'm a head case to be sure but that's OK ... there are a lot of people out there that need some compassionate head cases that understand what it's like to no long be able to function and or want to live in this fucked up world. Hang on? Did I say compassionate? Smiles ... yep ... it's there ... in the midst of all these foggy words. That's to be sure. Is easy once you just let out the thoughts as is ... like this ... what the fuck ever.

arrrr .... that rain is good. Breathe in .... Breathe out .... Breathe in .... Breathe out.

Where to next ... keep walking Dave ... Just keep walking and fuck everything else. Get up early and do what has to be done ... keep moving ... fuck everything else.

Prepare you thoughts for upcoming doctor re advocate who is coming ... Monday for that one. What do you want ... what is the point of even having advocate. I guess the fact I need one is going to be the point. Go figure doctor? I wonder if that will even fucking compute. Fucking idiots never understand. No respect for mental illness let alone going to see them when sick. Sigh. Yea ... fuck all the medical BS!!! ailments ... I think the point I will discuss on Monday and me being in need of having advocate will just be about that. The fact that I keep going through doctors like toilet paper. Not about wrong or right ... just about the fact that it's a real problem and that we be ... me and my advocate presenting like so that ... that fact alone ... can be fucking understood and accepted for what is.

It really is fucked ... Now I just ramble on that. You know ... I don't go in with an attitude ... I just go in affected every fucking time. Most doctors give you that fucking goofy smile or plastic nod when not drained and rolling their eyes. They never remember the last visit, or bother to look up your file unless absolutely necessary. They don't seem to care that I can't fucking hear them properly or understand the speed at which they talk. All that fucking clock watching and staring straight through you and ... well you get the picture because I don't think I can spell it out any clearer. They are only interested in giving their prescription, their DX and could not give to fucks about what I have to say as anything that deviates from their perspective is written off as mental illness and a welfare case.

I actually think I am wasting my fucking time yet again. We shall see I guess. I just need this new doctor to know Yes ... I know I am a fucking head case! But I'm not fucking STUPID and deserve to be treated with respect. Man I looked high and low all over town for a clinic without fucking TVs that project all their BS into your head. NONE ... they are all fucking shoving their advertising down my head with multiple screens with multiple channels at the same time. I can't fucking stand it anymore!!!! No wonder people can't sit fucking still in one spot without fucking devices plugged in their ears or just sit still and quiet. I know I fucking can ... despite that constant static of this fucked up world!

[Ponder]

cont .... Seriously ... I yearn to go to bed at night without any fucking ear plugs in my head ... yet its no so easy it is?' My wife admits she is now addicted taking her phone and having to use certain apps and watch so many epps or whatever you tube vids to fall asleep. I fucking HATE it with a passion. I'm getting better with it though since I started meditation which kind of sounds fucking crazy giving how fucking batty I can get when in public spaces ... mostly those clinical ones where they judge you ... have to warrant the spending of tax payers money and all that kind of fucking shit ... make sick people beg. That's why I had a fit when that fucking stupid intern doctor told me I was free to go and then laughed about it with a nurse. No! I'm not sucking schizo ... that was fucking disrespectful from a demographic of new doctors who blame and shame those beneath them. that's the society in which YOU all live. I don't call it living anymore ... I do all I can to avoid having to go to places like that by refusing to take the meds that lead people back into those white fucking rooms where everyone is projected to all that static and end up sleeping in chaotic rooms in places that are supposed to heal.

Sigh ... truth is ... most of us wish we were dead! That's how effective their system is. ITS OK to say it like that. It's the truth ... sad as it be. Pffft.

No matter ... my goal is to learn how to die outside the system. How to refuse their BS abusive torture of running you down whilst professing to heal. That's what abusers do and its what our systems does. Learn how to heal through accepting the sickness of our society as much as accepting the pain that comes from aging in a toxic world. Is all about damage control outside of the system. No doubt there will be those need trips as I get older ... but fuck man ... I really need some kind of hard copy guide to take with me each time. To read and re read ... some kind of copping strategy. I really don't have the stamina any more to sustain the BS in those public spaces.

Yep ... F this W!!!

Good Night. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zz

[Ponder]

I needed that. Looking forward to getting up in the morning as I do enjoy the morning sun and getting my basic chores done early. There are good things happening in my routine of late. I refuse to give into my negative thoughts. It's OK to see the world as is ... but it's better than OK to keep moving forward and doing what one can to ease my pain. That just makes sense! Moving, sunshine, eating and consuming less. The next step is to share more of my time with others. That's a biggy ... but I am starting to see the benefits in that was well.

OK finished on a better note ... very important that. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Feeling pretty good this morning. Not overly excited ... just good enough. :) Once I get the basics out of the way and of course get my morning sun ... I will aim to make a City Skylines Clip and upload to this here thread. Been a while since I dived into that game. I'll just check out some cities uploaded online. I'll download one of those and do a video of slowly passing through and over the streets. Sounds like a plan.

Have a nice day folks.

---- Until next post ----
https://image.ibb.co/nEZoEv/until_next_postl.gif

[Ponder]

Did not have much time so just uploaded another World Of Tanks Game: It was a close match.

Click on gif to watch the full game:
https://image.ibb.co/dhoj45/WOT_GG.gif (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2efJNtGf3XA)

[Ponder]

Off to the doctors with Advocate today. This should be good.

[Ponder]

Pacing ... winding up but telling myself I am unwinding. Man I hope this doc hears me out.

[Ponder]

I just had a mental health advocate come with this this morning to help me transition to yet another doctor. (Going through doctors has become a problem for me)


We organised a spot away from the screens and also made the receptionists aware that if I don't hear to please inform me when my name is called. The advocate will be coming another two times to ensure this practice is followed up and that I am comfortable trialing this method out.


I still aim to stay away from this places and view the dynamics of using screens as toxic to people's health. Nevertheless I will work on turning this issue into some form of mediation practice. I have hearing aids but they kind of exacerbate trigger sounds.


The biggest hurdle is fostering an understanding between the receptionists, doctors and myself. Once this can be ironed out I beleive the triggers themselves will be a lot more manageable. Stigma plays a large role into the mismanagement, handling and outright disconnects that commonly take place in public spaces filled with over stimulus and sensitive peoples. This is on all sides of the fence.


I really feel our current systems our hard enough for those considered 'normal/neurotypical' let alone that those of us deemed abnormally so.
_________________________

Sitting there with advocate:
I took the opportunity to explain what goes on in my brain:

3 screens. Flashing, Texting, Constant Chatter with flexed tone projected from the walls on all sides! (general media presentation) ... It starts off with the flashing heightening light sensitivity that then makes my peripheral vision more hyper sensitive. The TV's/Screen now heighten the movement of figures outside my control - I'm now hypervigilant. Phones seem to be ringing off the hook with their clinical high pitch tones that pierce thorough my focused attempts to calm myself. Footsteps then become just as annoying as too the conversations of everyone. What once started as flashing from the screens is now a flashing from every point in and around.

So it is that only way I can sustain being bombarded like so is to get up and walk backwards and forwards. I do my best to pick the less populated rows, aisles, skirting edges or whatever part of the building is less distracted for others when I go about copping as best I can. When all else fails I'll pull out my phone and start videoing others to let them know what it feels like to be subject like so. Of course that does not go down well and only leads to feeding stigma and full blown outbursts/meltdowns.

What meds are you on? Sigh ... Thankfully the advocate assisted me on this one as we spoke about that atypical response whilst driving to appointment. We talked a little about my alternatives and brought the doctor up to speed by explaining it's more about the seeking of resolution and not so much about what pills I pop. This was the main reason I had to bring in a peer support person to overcome such stigma related responses.

The doctor then asked what was my diagnosis. I had already previously brought in the clinical psychologistreport (twice) which states the long list of labels and barriers that in fact was used to warrant my disability pension. Failure to acknowledge the records is where disconnect begins that has nothing to do with myself. Long story shot I will send in a digital copy after this post and inform them to once again add to the records. I will shortly be updating with an ASD account but once again is useless if they don't take the time to even skim before assessing whatever clients they see. At any rate that's another story which only adds to the anxiety of today's overwhelmed medical practices. That's putting it nicely.


Today's outcome was not a cure, but I'll be optimistic enough to say it's gone a long way to having that particular facility understand that I am capable of compromise if they in turn meet me part of the way. I think a few more assists with peer support in the waiting room should suffice. All these measures take a bit of acceptance and effort with all parties involved. Mutuality should not just be restricted to peers. Clinical facilities would do well to practice this form of respect as well. I'm glad I had the opportunity to have help and made the effort to go back instead of completely give up.


I'll say this much though ... The reality of what I must endure when waiting in these public spaces gives me more incentive to live as healthier life style I can afford in order to avoid having to attend such places.

That's a wrap on this topic for me ... thanks for listening.

[Ponder]

Some work I did tonight in the ASD forum I sometimes frequent. Keeping transparent ... and OR is as much I wish I could be.


A common motif here is the bullying, lack of acceptance and often traumatic life events that we were subjected to in our childhoor/teenage years for our lack of conformity to the NT world. So I have a lot of questions today, and I could use some help with those.


1. As an adult, how do you cope with that?
Being badgered over wetting my pants, being left handed and lack of processing ability did for sure have me targeted on many fronts, however I have come to find the bullying, lack of acceptance and subsequent traumatic events came from those more affected than me. It’s a realization that still needs work, but one that has come from allowing myself to fully feel/embrace the flashbacks as they come. I don’t go forcing myself … I just let them come.


2. Do you still get intense flashbacks of those times?
I’ve been through the ringer with child sexual assault by those entrusted in the church. I’ve been judged, shamed and rejected by the church. I rarely have flash backs because I have come to know the truth in a way that’s taken me a lifetime to unlearn and overcome. Therapy has been good for me. Both with clinicians that I have come to trust but above all in the way I have learned to council myself. More over coming to know thy true self. Letting go of the stories in a way that seeks to let go of all ideals and beliefs. If I may be so bold as to assume, it sounds to me many here have a good grasp on that.


3. Have you found peace with that, or do you occasionally get bitter?
Peace as best I can find it. The term is as shallow to me as say today’s version of happiness. It can be such a trap. I’m more about being in salvage mode without the need to try and fix. Without the need to be more than what I already am. When not striving to be better … (although that's an act I adopt when feeling low - its more in the balance and not deluding oneself in the self betterment process is all) When in that state … yea … I find peace. Bitter is also a word I have come to change … I get frustrated from time to time. Bitterness I let go of quickly as I now have a good grounding on how toxic negative emotions can be for myself and others. I often get frustrated but that’s OK. Meditation and peeling back the layers of indoctrination and societal conditioning really helps. I’ve woken up to the illusion of present day living, make my own choices being careful not to accept or reject the ways of others.


4. Any PTSD or depression that you think can be directly traced to those events?
It’s all related to that. That’s why letting go of the stories/past is critically important. Yet one first has to fully experience those flash backs that come and go and do so in a way that allows for total acceptance of one’s self. External sources can only guide – only the self can do the letting go. I’m more depressed these days with what lays in my path. This worlds failure to accept it’s responsibility as a whole, (residual effect) the way it labels individuals, creates new problems perpetuating a continual need in order to perpetually remain in a state of fix.


5. Do you ever feel that things would have taken a completely different turn if you had had a diagnosis in your childhood or teenage years, and had gotten the adequate assistance and trainings/therapies?
For Sure! Even in a world ‘still’ bent on creating problems, solutions without addressing the cause, I could see less pain coming from say an evolutionary path to working towards. The DX I am about to get will see me better understood … Hell … I am even better understanding myself through any kind of lens that differs from old stigmatised labels now commonly scoffed at and rated according to type and dose of medication.


6. Do you ever feel guilt over times when you didn't stand up for yourself enough, even though you couldn't have in reality, or guilt for times you went too far in defending yourself?
Shame and Guilt is the Cancer of our Society. It’s how the masses are controlled, it’s how atypical abusers manipulate and it’s how we are prone to our addictions. Should of and Could of is a pattern I have also learned to break in as much as negative emotions having that bitter taste. In the same way I train myself to no longer be indoctrinated and or controlled by mainstream patterns of living, the same approach can be adopted to breaking the addictions of negative emotions. I’m not saying I’m cured. I don’t believe in cures.


My greatest liberation in going from victim to victory is seeing there is no such thing as winning. There is no victory to be had … there is only now without the past or any need for what we're taught to fear comes next. There’s nothing to forgive, let along forget. Having seen myself as both victim and perpetrator and seeing the cycle for what it is, makes one see just how imperative it is to no longer jump in the ring to be either hit or be hit; hit on or hit out.


7. What has helped you make up for what you couldn't receive before adulthood?
Accepting that there was nothing ever wrong with me to begin with. That I already have all I need within myself to heal myself. That I don’t need external sources in order that I be at peace. Once I am in tune with that, I naturally gravitate to socialize with those I feel comfortable with, in my own time, with as few as I like and above all; no need to be associated with any ‘club.’


8. Are you satisfied with the social skills you've developed by your own means?
Yes – because it so happens I play an active role as a peer member at a local mental health facility. It’s not a club. Just a few peers where I am understood and where I seek to understand those like me.: )


I give myself points for avoiding 'much' of my story. (some elements linger - is getting better) Letting go of it is really hard but is where it’s at … but having said that … I find allowing others to yell and scream as much as they need is as affective as any other means. Eventually the stories will play themselves out. It’s just that some of us would do well to wear helmets as opposed to not. In a manner of speaking I was a helmet case. Thankfully I am past that stage although I admit my frustrations can still get the best of me. But I now see that as perfectly normal. Question anyone or system that tries to muzzle you. I always do and always will.


Peace as best any of you can find it.

[Ponder]

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=w-qNg9Gk7Dk
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

My Latest Idea: https://highspirits.com/collections/all-flutes/products/432hz-earthtone-flute-a-aromatic-cedar
I've thought about it before and chickened out because I'm quite shy when it comes to learning a new instrument. Like I said ... the guitar I simply can't handle my OCD nature. After researching the native flute once again ... I've discovered that this kind of flute can be used as a tool for meditation and breathing. Just inhale and exhale with a few changes in finger placements and timings. That's it in a nut shell. No need to delve into Finger Tabs. At least not when starting out using the flute as a meditative aid.

I'm in no rush ... just thinking about it is all.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYkr9wCZZUk



I had a good afternoon walk. Right at the last bit I went inside to grab my camera and swiftly walk back into the street to catch the sun before it clocked off.

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4406/35921669333_645918eac1_o.jpg

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzz

[Ponder]

In keeping with "Fuck It!" ... Time to get off my ass and exert myself then prep some hard core salad.

[Ponder]

Today was a good day. :) Zzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Bingo & Goodnight:
https://youtu.be/G4FTuatyFtE

[Ponder]

Took my Lounge Room Chair out for a walk. :)
https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4336/36726259406_77dd5dc33a_c.jpg (https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4336/36726259406_77dd5dc33a_b.jpg)

Mixing it all up. Eating well is not enough just as exercise is not enough. I'm prepping my mind, body and spirit to kick start a new lease of life for the oncoming summer season. For those that know me, they will recognize this chair as my lounge room chair. The chair the sits squarely in the middle of our living room in front of a large display screen. Is good to mix things up a bit. I like to think I can still feel healing vibes in my chair from the previous places I have taken my chair. Of course it's all in my head ... but if it's all the same to those reading on ... it's all real to me. The connection is deepened as I take the time to snap this image and then later go the next step by actually doing the sitting and living the experience as I again now do just finding words as best I can to explain.

Learning all this shit online means squat if you can't take the time to practice what it is that you think you know or what you have read from others who they themselves can only know ... through their own experience. The last couple of mornings have been really good as I've been investing more time with my grandson ... more so playing like a couple of geese down by the beach. Tomorrow I am giving him the day off ... let his legs recover while mine do the same. :)


Cool Watch on Netflix ... FEEL RICH!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QxXXYD2Pk3Y

[Ponder]

Another Vlog entry. It's been a while since the last one:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_K1Jbi_g5Lo&feature=youtu.be

[Ponder]

Another theory that ties in many concepts of how we earthlings be who we are today. "Theory" Take it or leave it. Not for the rigid types invested in belief/ideals. It is however a grain of salt that open doors to true potential. Is how I view most stories like these. Another take, another spin. Spiritual Science:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=swe3EOKCbFI&list=RDswe3EOKCbFI&index=1

[Ponder]

Simple BUT Effective:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=usjxOxDQYHI

[Ponder]

ROCK & ROLLLLLLLL!!!! I came across this guy whilst searching everyday people playing a shamanic drum and rattles. I think this guys is awesome!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n2Hbs2IlRZY

I first came across him in this → one (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CudLNxHgVk4).

[Ponder]

LOL @ This ... I'm still buying a WII U !!!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UxVh22IHOeA

[Ponder]

Time to download some tunes and go running ... :) It was a good group today. I'll be starting off the next group and the topic is going to be "maintaining Mental Health Recovery"

On that note ... my routine has had to be really flexible of late ... yet I have been managing to just do what needs doing despite going through the motions at different time slots.

Tick tick ... I feel like trotting ... so trotting it is.

[Ponder]

Time for some ASMR but first ... Another Day Done. Good one for eating clean. Always good when I am on track with eating. Food intake reflects how most of us deal with life for the most part these days. That's my bet at least and I think its a safe one at that. Good to be trotting again, but more so in control of food. It's official ... I'll be riding a bicycle once again. Just one of the ones done up at the centre I go to. Gave it a test ride today and it seemed to handle pretty well. It's nothing special ... just an old bike with only 6 gears. Low and high enough to me get around and manage the hills. Looks neat and tidy as well. They did a good job overhauling it.

Still a LOT of stress going on in the background but not going to complain ... is what it is. I seem to be managing to wing through the demands placed upon myself. If anything I might just pull myself back from some the amount of support I have been giving and just do what is required type of thing. Lesson up the pressure somewhat.

I know I have been a scatter brain over the last month. Is how I have had to deal with all the stuff. Many challenges going on in my family and the recent therapy for others I factor is also a part of that. I remember well when starting out in therapy how it can take days for stuff to start moving after the appointments. Is the same with the little fella when having to do his visits at the contact centre. The latter has taken a lot of work to envelope the bubble of protection and see to his early intervention re developmental delays. I'm loving our morning times out by the beach. Heaps of learning on how to handy him but also learning more about myself. Nevertheless ... I can see I'm needing to pull back a bit on that front. Will just keep the feelers out whilst I keep tending to my own tracks as well.

Yep ... Anyways ... Been having a bit of fun with my wife or more meaning bridging the rather large gap by playing those old video games via PC emulation output to the TV ... using a third party SNES classic controller:

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4383/36743660692_4903ae42b2_o.jpg

I actually installed MAME arcade and having a blast with some of the 70's and 80's games. Galaxian is a hard one to play but I really love the nostalgic sounds of that one. Galaga was an easier version that came out latter in the 80's. I wish I could find the photos of the MAME acrade machine I built. It was a cocktail version with the two arcade seats. I had it in a room with a pool table and awesome dart board set up. I figure my grandson will take to the old control sticks in a good way. This time I am just going to set up and USB controller to PC with suction caps holding the controller to the table. Much MUCH cheaper that way. Maybe I go back into building arcade machines in a year or two. See what happens. So much going through my head.

I don't have the bike just yet. I'm going to have to be real careful as the last time I had a bike is when I ended up almost killing myself with over exertion and not knowing when to stop. Thankfully I feel I have learned my lesson in regards to that. I actually don't rust road users and truth be told I'm feeling a little skittish about riding a bike. That said ... I am also looking forward to going on some solo adventures, although wish I had a friend close by who would be interested in doing a few bike outings. I might look into that by asking at group. A day trip where I can take a few chairs, table, food and what not. Meet up somewhere and then ride out a lake/park or whatnot.

Think I will go wind down with some ASMR before bed. ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
USE HEADPHONES & TURN SOUND UP ;)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oONUkmLP7fA


Adios until next post:
https://image.ibb.co/nEZoEv/until_next_postl.gif

[Ponder]

V-LOG - Retro Gaming ... Sound goes out of sync two thirds of the way in as I was doing stuff at the same time as rendering. My Bad ... I'm uploading as is because I have other things to do. Was a laid back as I could get for the day ... no more retakes. :)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vraw_zix0lI&feature=youtu.be

[Ponder]

I got to say that RetroArch (http://retroarch.com/index.php?page=platforms)'front end' for playing the old retro games is pretty awesome! Last night I focused on SNES (Super Nintendo) The wife and I started on the older NES which was Nintendos first box as I understand it. I actually stared playing video games on the first apple computers as well as the famed Atari Console not discounting all those cocktail cabinets down at the local pinny parlor. I was like 9 and my brother 7 when we started hanging around Arcades. We kind of had to do it on the quiet during twilight hours as kids our age were not suppose to be frequenting the place unaccompanied during those times.

At any rate I am no expert on Retro Games ... but was just an avid player and it's great to playing them once more. Getting back to the topic of RetroArch. One of the filter options I used helped to smooth out the graphic and it really felt like I was playing on an old CRT once again. In fact playing it like that off my 24inch desktop monitor was on par with how it was when playing off a decent family sized color TV back in the day. Once I have RetroArch setup I'll show you guys what I mean about the shaders and how they can clean up the block effect that results from playing some of these old games on today's LCD/LED monitors. That said ... imo some of the games actually seem well suited with a little palatalization such as the 8 bit games. I'd just looking into some kind of mild scan line option to smooth the out yet retain an authentic look.

I can see I have really stumbled onto something that's going to keep me distracted in a fun kind of way. I'm seriously thinking about getting a RaspberryPi PCB/System and following various tutorials to install RetroPi (possibly the associated Media Streaming Software as well Kodi) - The Kodi aspect I know very little about however it does sound interesting - especially if I can tether off my phone.
___________________________________

I'll just stick with setting up RetroArch for now.

Time to go exercise:

Adios
https://image.ibb.co/nEZoEv/until_next_postl.gif

[Ponder]

Just bedding down for the night and grateful I have a bed to sleep in. Just thinking of all those people out there twitching to the sounds of vehicles beeping and people walking whilst their trying to sleep. Just finished watching this vid which kind of brought back some hard core memories for me.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mdaqp9pREKs

The thing I like about that video is it's not about people handing out money, feeding them fake food, or asking them how they became homeless or asking them what kind of work they want to do. (Fucking idealist question tailing on the end of my last sentence there! Grrrr - is what leads people to sleeping on the streets) I don't know ... Is fucking crazy this world we live in. You know ... sleeping in the streets like that kind of glitched the functionality of my brain. I can tell you it's not just the cold that makes those homeless 'hide' under their blankets. It's a cowering of sorts ... giving into the ideals of passerby's ... even those that play the role of rescuers leave a damming wake that they can never know.

For all the soul searching and focus I put into my own stability based on living and let live ... there is still well of discontent and frustration over how - so many people live trapped lives ← (NOT talking about the homeless!) and contribute only to more pain and suffering whilst aiming to justify and play judge over those most vulnerable. I could care fucking less what anyone of those individuals has ever done because no fucker should ever have to live a life shaking and cowering like that.

Poor Bastards ... I go to bed thankful not just for the matteres and covers but also for not having to hear that toxic sound of humanity full stop! Not long now ... our species will soon be dead!

I generally don't like to make comparisons ... but Anxiety has nothing over what these guys are suffering on their cardboard boxes and under those flimsy covers. NOTHING!

Here's to all those victims ... I don't give two fucks as to what or where any of them come from. We are all victims of this fucked up world. If I outlive my wife, or I am kicked out or when the time comes that I am on my own ... I think I will catch a bus to the coldest city and go out shivering like so because the pain of living in this world all alone like that is not as bad as freezing to death.

I remember well after watching this vid ... it brought it back to me like it was yesterday.

Yep ... I really hope we wipe ourselves out sooner than later. Preferable before my grandson has to suffer 'school.' Of course ... he like all the others will have to suffer.

Is just how I feel.

Back into salvage mode straight after this post. Is what it is OR was what it was because now ... this contemplation is no more than passing thought/s ... that's now come and gone. At least whilst I have a warm bed and not under constant surveillance / victimization.

F- This - W http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/rude/1/middle-finger-2.gif
__________________________________________________ ________
Note To Self - reassess well-being goals upon rising in the morning. Still got enough purpose to keep living. Be more careful with where your looking. Yep ... sounds like a plan ... well edited and well finished. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleep.gif (http://www.sherv.net/)

[Ponder]

Could not help but keep on this facet of Homelessness and the BS videos that littler you tube on the subject:
______________________________________

Society delegates the elements of warmth, love and family during short religious and secular idealist periods of celebration which typically equates to one of many atypical forms of continued indoctrination. This very facet of human existence creates the need to which idealistic establishments then go about preaching, teaching and prescribing. Typically, these homeless videos make for a good tear jerking, heart stringing and emotional tugging hit; like an alcoholic consoling his pain by taking another drink. So it is that we make videos like this to explain away the real problems of homeless. Most Homeless Videos (especially on YouTube and main stream TV) is all about the music and presentation … showing people how nice it is to give. Which of course eventually leads to - ‘you got to give to get.’ The ultimate religious and secular ideology based on an evidence based destructive value system. Homeless is actually measured in three states:Primary – Secondary & Tertiary. The problem is not just about people sleeping on the street. It starts way back in the school rooms with what we are being taught as the value of human life. I lived hard core on the street without the means to create my own documentary and now living on a disability pension with mental illness purely as a result from long term toxic exposure to humanity from the gutter up. Society can take their value systems, their claims of accountability, all that talk of responsibility and shove them where the sun don’t shine! People can keep their religious ethics, their idealistic beliefs to themselves, because none of those views could ever understand the perspective of human suffering whilst subscribing to solutions outside themselves. In other words, always passing the buck. Guilt, Blame and Shame is the foundation of all this giving! This is why all those Homeless YouTube videos about people giving money to the homeless equates to BS!!! That’s more about people appeasing themselves to the deeper issues facing our society … again … spawn from the very values that so many sheep equate to imposing their views –atypically- to those beneath them. With all this giving … come the historical story as to how and why someone end up in the street. “What kind of J-O-B do you want to do?” Is but one of the many BS demeaning questions that used to coat another layer of shame and guilt. If matters fuck all to me how anyone ends up in a situation where they are shivering and cowering under a flimsy cover … hiding from all the piecing sounds of cars, busses, trams, and hustle and bustle of people. The agonizing trauma of despair at such a level from the gutter up can never be justified by another’s limited world view. Again … as someone literally short circuited with live experience in all facets of long term homelessness; I can truly say that most people who subscribe to main stream ideals such as Xmas and likewise BS festivities have no fucking idea as to the real causes that lead people to sleeping on the street. That’s pretty much all I got to say about that. Want to know more – give me a little time. I’ll do up a video response. If I feel it’s not toxic to my state of mind. This response may seem a little hard core, but is actually quite mindful from my perspective. People may mean well … but sometimes they got to hear it from the horse’s mouth. Sadly many people today are so easily controlled (brainwashed) thus easily overwhelmed with perception management and that hearing the truth is simply too painful. Yet another side effect of living in 24/7 comfort. Most of the problem is not so much the discomfort of homelessness; but more the ideals of those who think they can FIX simply by holding their hands out. AKA – the giving of money, clothes, beds and all that kind of thing … Nothing but a distraction from the real issues … just part and parcel of that Fake Food → Sickness → Doctors -Pharmaceuticals and so on … You get the drift.
____________________

Adios until next post.

[iwanttobeok]

What's sad is that people won't understand when you say "school". They are so used to the idea of pre-determined destiny.

[Ponder]

Yet another distraction.

[Ponder]

(; ) ... I'm not going anywhere if you want to further explain Iwantto?
__________________________________________________ _

Time for me to determine my sleep pattern for the night so I may comfortably sleep in.
ZZZ http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleep.gif

[Ponder]

NP ... I will attempt to ellaborate:

It's atypical of most haves to claim that homeless people choose to suffer as they do. More so from a view point that absolves current ideals.

Predtermination ... like the Free Will argument. You chose to be that way! In that light Predtermination is often used to bash people with, like how most Bibles are used.

The other side of the coin is that those who have further to fall, keep falling like so because they do indeed choose to give in to this notion of having no controll. That sadness you mention I think to be more in the illusion thats so craftaly indoctrinated. A wedge that' strategically placed between the haves and have nots.

Somthing like that. Enough edits done.

Time to drag my ass out of bed and move on.

:)

[Ponder]

Don't feel like it .. but pushing through for the day.

[Ponder]

Yep, good point Iwanabeok. Takes a while to sink in for me ... but yea ... good point.

[Ponder]

Good day in all. Anxiety lvs doing OK. Is a shame most people only like to talk when not doing OK.

Still working on configuring those retro games and still thinking about getting a raspberry pi. The old refurbished bike I picked up does the job good enough. It's good that I can now I can mix up my physical activity.

Fear of the walking dead soon to be back in the works. Bit of a dry spell with game of thrones coming and going a quick as I can pass wind then a quick dash to the toilet.

That's about it really. Might throw some rice on and go for a rid. :)

Adios ... until next post.

[Ponder]

'I' now determine that upon rising I shall awaken feeling refreshed. I shall slip into my running atire and easily do a steady 10 laps of the sports ground. I also envisage a good resistance workout later on in the day. Sensible sunlight exposure,hydration and fuelling throughout tha day also on my list + assist with chores. Lets others be as they must. Proactive not reactive.

TY cosmos for the old haggard bike. It's an awesome addition to my stabilty tools.

Is all good. You've done the best you can for today.

Night night Dave. Zzzzzz

[Cerious]

Thank you for posting this-- I'm in the early stages and am desperately trying to hold onto my life right now. Are you working right now? I do not know if I should return, or take a leave..

[Ponder]

I will never participate in the worforce again. Whilst the sysyem has deemed me unfit, I refuse to 'work' as doing so only enables/empowers the insanity of this world. I have come to accept myself as Societal Byproduct. In that acceptace I have learned to live to redifine 'the terms.'

That's probably not helpful. Most people see work as an expectation to obtaining somthing more as well as fitting in. Whilst I have been affected and todays reliance on certification greatly disadvantage me in this mainstream predetermined dynamic namely called 'work' I again say, "I refuse to partcipate."

I even manage to get my name removed from the voting poll in a country that can legaly make your life very uncomfortable for not voting.

That said, you wont ever find a harder worker than I. The only time I am not working is if I'm ever caught in a moment between breaths. :)

Working is for slaves. I choose only to be seen as one but actively engage in living a free life. I only hope to share with others how liberating it can be finding the sweet spot between homelessness and slavery. For now its time to get out of bed, slip into my atire and go for a nice steady trot. My previous intention really help, but I must say TY for poping in and your comment. It's also helped a lot.

Catch up later.

Have a good evening/morning folks. :)

[Ponder]

Respectfully ... I do wish you well. The above is just my unique point of view which I believe is shared by the majority. Especially by those working. They just don't know it. Too busy stressing and or gloating; for them there is no such thing as inbetween.

[martin05]

What is your job, Cerious?

It can be good to focus the mind on something other than internal conflict. At the same time though, some work isn't conducive to well-being.

On the exercise note, I love cycling. It's over taken running now as my favourite exercise. I took a walk today and it felt weird using my legs in an up and down motion instead of a round and round one lol.

[Ponder]

Please leave the job networking to the professionals, just as the medication section in this forum should be left to the so called professionals. Just don't count on those elements because they are deemed to be in some place of authority.

Very happy for you martin. Going at a pace that works for the individual is the ticket, not something any of today's J-O-Bs focus on. Quite the opposite in fact.

[Ponder]

What kind of bicycle do you have Martin?

[martin05]

I've got a pretty basic hybrid. Works for me though as it can get around the city but do some off-roading too. Kind of wish I'd installed one of those cheap computer thingys so I could see how many miles I've racked up. Would be cool to know.

[Ponder]

I can vouch for the cheap bike computers off eBay. (They perform very well for only just a few bucks - although I recommend wired when buying a cheap one) Pretty basic to install with a conversion chart to help settings for different wheel sizes. My obsessive nature did lead me to doing more miles than was actually good for me as a result of having such a device - BUT - I think I learned that lesson now. Trip distance is another effective piece of info without the need of having to use a high powered battery operated mobile devices and GPS. Just jump on the bike and map your own routes. In fact now that you have mentioned it, I think I might get another one myself. If not only to gauge the accuracy between bike device and phone apps. I generally do when I get back into my bike phase.

I'm peddling an old refurbished mass produced elcheapo 26inch 6 speed Dunlop MTB Bike [Rigid - No suspension at all] with only a wide spring seat to assist in comfort. Here is a pic I just took to show you:

Full Size (https://www.flickr.com/photos/71988794@N08/36241879524/sizes/o/)

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4352/36241879524_5ecbf4a002_b.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/Xdz78N)

I'm having to keep fiddling with the gears as the cables and springs have not had much movement. I expect it will take some more use to get the full range of movement happening where in the near future less maintenance will be needed. A good learning curve and very practical seeing as I don't work. :) If the cycling takes off again, I may look into buying a cheap full suspension MTB and slap on some semi slick tires. You know ... the ones that are flat in the middle with just a few knobbly bits of tread on the sides.

I'm mostly looking into commuting but given I am over mingling in the traffic these days (being older, more sensitive to exhaust fumes, less physically apt) I'll be practicing up on bunny hopping gutters and so forth to get around. I generally dismount when crossing heavy traffic areas. Unlike many others I see, I also get give way to pedestrians on the footpath. It peeves me to see people riding on the footpath that don't give way to pedestrians! Grrrr BUT ... is what it is ... Now I have a bike I can be the one who pays others such respect. I only wish I could trust others when on the road ... but I don't. I will ride on the low density roads during quite times and I do so confidently ... but again ... I'm not chancing it anymore in high density areas. I once swore I would never ride on the footpath. Alas I am now doing so. I'm on and off the road according to pedestrians and traffic ... plus time of day and route.

I'm actually enjoying mapping out new routes with as many left hand turns with roads in mind but then also allowing for quick dismount transition plus various bike paths. Having a mountain bike will also allow me to go into those reserve areas I love to hide out in as well.

Might go for a ride now. I note that it's magpie season with plenty of birds swooping. :)

[martin05]

She's in good nick, isn't she? That's a result getting a fully ridable bike. I got lucky with second handers a few times, but then came unstuck a couple of times. Some expensive parts ended up breaking. Figured I might as well just pay the extra and get something new so at least I know where I stand.

Do you have any designated cycle routes over there, like through parks or by rivers? I'm pretty lucky here. The cycle route by the canals goes for about 35 miles, so there's plenty of room to stretch the old legs. Full of greenery too. I'll try and take a few pics next time I'm out.

Will probably bring up the mini computer thingy too in a few days when I get some cash, if that's alright.

[Ponder]

Yea lads at the centre I got it from did a good job. There are some things you just can't expect from an old bike. Mostly wheels that don't have a slight buckle and also time for the cables and springs to find their place one again. I did a 10 mile return trip yesterday to visit my daughter and grandson. It did a good job although I still need to make some gear adjustments. It's actually bike group day today so will take it in a do some work in the background on my bike.

Sadly Australia really SUCKS when it comes to bike routes. There is an ever slow move in various towns and cities to include more cycle ways with each passing year. If we don't nuke ourselves in the next year, I still feel I will be dead way before we catch up with Europe when it comes to designated bike paths.

That said, I am lucky to live in a town where there is in fact a couple of bike paths. One dedicated bike way (shared with pedestrians) is about 8 miles which is considered very long and a rare over here. some of the others are just a few km and there is a lack of bike friendly/ lanes (on side of road) that connect the paths. It's actually pretty stupid town planning not to provide cycling paths in 2017. Considering the impact on pollution and the health benefits for society both mentally and physically when contrasting the pros and cons ... well ... just another another negative spin among many on our wonderful society. :) Not to worry ... they took the easy way out and changed the law that people of 16 may now be allowed to ride on the foot path. At least the did it in the sate I am now living.

_______________________________________

Hey Martin ... do you mean this thing about the mini computer:

https://image.ibb.co/e83Eta/Raspberry_Pi_3_Ports.gif
You can't see it all in this shot but Yea it's pretty cool that this thing has all those USB ports, Ethernet, on-board wifi (Pi 3 only) even bluetooth. Too much for me to list ... here I found this run down on it. Just click below pic to get a good low down in it:

INTRODUCING THE RASPBERRY PI 3
https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4434/36902817266_b615c8dbdb_b.jpg (https://hackaday.com/2016/02/28/introducing-the-raspberry-pi-3/)

This is probably why I wont be buying a new bike this time around. It might be 35 US dollars but over there it selling for about $60.00 au which does not work out to be an evenly converted. We are being charged more.

Not to to worry. By the time I finish paying bills with my next loan I will may just have enough to buy the Pi3 and all the 'extras' as well. Apparently people claim that HDD speed with regard to best bang for buck is achieved using USB sticks. Thankfully I have a micro Samsung EVO 256GB U3 micro sd (http://www.samsung.com/us/computing/memory-storage/memory-cards/micro-sd-evo-256gb-memory-card-w-adapter-mb-mc256da-am/) card still worth about $220-$250au that can handle 4K video. I think I will just use that. :) I can use it to compare against some cheaper usb sticks I have lay about that place. Depending on test results I may end up learning how to partition yet again in Linux and boot multiple OS's that run either retro games/media centres and so on ...

I'm itching to learn some basic programming with this thing ... maybe even some very basic games that they are teaching kids to code these days.

If this is the little computer thing you mean ... for sure man! ... I'll keep you updated if in fact I do end up taking the dive into this kind of thing. Few weeks to go before I finish paying my last loan and get another. : )

[Ponder]

I thought this was a cool video about minecraft and the PI ... Note how he says the Pi 2 runs Minecraft better ... The Pi-3 only get better again which is why I am researching if the pi-3 can push beyond minecraft in the way of games. No doubt it has limits but would be fun to push this kind of tech. I've also been looking into cooling mods and clockability. :)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r82gOQUU9oY

__________

UPDATE:

Here is the PI3 running full version of minecraft:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXFMo8psp-U

I suspect the set up and config is different by no doubt tutorials abound on the net. Pi2 is reported not to be able to play full version anywhere near as fluid as Pi3. Check the comments in video out for further details.

[Ponder]

EVEN BETTER:

VC4 Open Source Driver Testing with Jedi Academy (PC Gaming on the Pi)

https://youtu.be/P-1EHdHxEk8?t=324

From the description → "With this driver you now have access to full OpenGL 2.1 support which means that a large number of 3D accelerated apps and games from the Debian repositories will work without modification now."

WOW! This is exactly the kind of video acceleration I was hoping could be tweaked from the pi. VC4 Driver! Have no idea what it is atm ... but I will! :)

Have a friend on the phone now that wants me to hurry up and get this build up as we can play old style networking games of the web.

[Ponder]

Looks like we are buying a two seater lounge to work on our relationship issues. I knew sitting in my camp would pay off in the end. Shhhhhhhhhh, don't say I said anything.

Was another big day. I ended up trading in the rigid frame for a bike with dual suspension. Of course the wheels on the FS wobble a lot more but I dont mind so much throwing todays choice around a lot more.

Night night. Źzzz.

[Ponder]

Righto Davy Boy ... UP & AT EM!!! Some mild stretching to iron out the depression followed with a few laps for the anxiety. Take the little one to the beach for social phobia and smile to work on that hostility.

Lets do it - 'Rolls out of bed!'

[Ponder]

Did not do any laps today. I did however end up taking out another bike for a test ride. Have decided to keep this one:

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4333/36302636883_51fbfc633c_b.jpg (https://www.flickr.com/photos/71988794@N08/36302636883/sizes/o/)

Its takes effort to pedal but when does it not? Its extremely comfortable compared to a rigid and this is especially so because most of the places I like to ride. I can't say enough good things about these cheap and heavy bikes. It's still early days for my cycling legs but like all other things I am pretty sure I'll build up a good resilience to heavy peddling. I'm all for comfort these days.

Note the Spring Saddle I am sporting in the below pic:
https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4414/36718781210_8b1aae0bcd_b.jpg (https://www.flickr.com/photos/71988794@N08/36718781210/sizes/o/)

The trouble with these spots is the amount of motocross and 4X4 activity. I was able to cycle to this spot without having to drive here. I'm still working deciding on whether or not to cycle on the rural roads where cars are going full speed. There have been cyclists hit with most ending up dead. It happens, but so dose lightening. Hmmm ... will just have to get a some high viz material for me pack. See what happens. In the mean time I have more places to scope out. Might practice riding along the rocks down by the bay ... maybe maybe not. Would not surprise me if I get a flat from broken shells but then again I wont know until I try. I think perhaps I make that my next stop. Sounds like yet another plan.

Come to think of it ... it should be a quick trip with the bike to catch the odd sunrise/set. Some cheap eBay lights might be a good thing ... God Forbid!

Go outside, take a seat ... walk if you can't ride. Is good to mix things up a bit. I think at next men's group I will print out a few photos of my midway setups/lunch 9as above) stops and sell the concept of a get together at various stops. Like I say see what happens.

Adios until next post. ;)

[martin05]

Cool pics.

Have the inevitable arse aches kicked in yet? Lol!

How are you finding the extra suspension on the new bike?

[Ponder]

Yea, I'll never be free of a torn ass hole. lol (So far so good ... more diet related/consitpation Vs Healing - yadda yadda) The bike riding might toughen things up a bit ... lol

Suspension = Heavy and but very comfortable over driveways, gutters, rocks, sudden drops and what not.


SO - was it the a raspberry pi computer (that I asked and mentioned above?) you were referring too in one of your earlier posts re:



Will probably bring up the mini computer thingy too in a few days when I get some cash, if that's alright.

Still curious to know what you meant was all? Srry ... I'm slow and always like to know I am being understood. It's a retarded thing.
Edit ... if so .. that would be awesome!!!

[Ponder]

Now now, didn't anyone tell you it was rude to ask questions without answering any?

[martin05]

Oh yeah, sorry, I wasn't that clear. I did mean the Pi. I started learning some basic coding and computer building skills a few years ago, but got really disheartened by the snobbery in the community at the time. So I gave up, which I regret now. I'd love to get involved again -- getting my own kit set up for my needs, maybe learning some very basic code.

Unfortunately I might have to put the idea on the backburner for now. My laptop screen's gone all wonky. Not sure I'm gonna have much left for hobbies after I fix it, which sucks!!! Although I suppose it gives me something to look forward to over the next month or two, whenever I can scrape together some spare cash.

[Ponder]

I'm geniunely sorry to hear that Martin. I too have been juggling the thought as things like, shoes, jocks, socks, car maintainance, car laon, credit card debt and all like wise thoughts come to mind when thinking of the pi. Cheap is definitely a matter of perspective. I hope your able to come up with a display alternative. I like using a desktop monitor with all my notebooks to preserve the laptop screen. I might scratch the idea myself yet and just settle learning to code on my laptop. I think I might just stick to learning basic web code as well and forgo games.

Thanks for your reply.
---------------------------------

Right now I should try to get back to sleep. Went to bed early and woke at 1:30am. Have a long road trip today. Family court again. Going to stay at inlaws with court the day after we arrive. It will be the first time I have seen the father since he bashed my then 18month old grandson. ... Pauses with mind block ...

I can't believe the courts will eventually allow the father to have unsupervised and overnight access again. We are doing our utmost to ensure such is put off as long as possible and all other measures are put in place. I just hope I can keep my cool. My wife and daughter reported that the father was staring them down at last session of court. This time my grandson is required to be assessed which means I am required to assist while other parties are seperatly interviewed. I feel like printing out a4 size prints of the bruises he left on our grandson and pulling them out when he starts his staring routine. Alas that will only freak out my wife and daughter all the more.

For now I just work on getting back to sleep. Zzzzzzz

I got a ton of anxiety to work through!!!

[martin05]

Oh blimey mate, that's a rough one. Good luck with everything over there.

[Ponder]

Thanks Martin ... lol ... no one Down Under really speaks like that, except Americans that watch too much TV.:p You made me laugh though. :)

We managed to get to our destination today in one piece and the little fella is having a blast with the great grandparents.

Tomorrows the big day (with more to go over the next few months :( ) we have all been anxious about. Tomorrow we have to travel for a couple more hours yet again ... then back here for another night before heading home. We are very lucky to have relatives to put us up and save us the hassle of a 10 hour round trip with lots of stress in between. I don't think I could sustain the trip otherwise ... let alone the little fella being put through all that.

Seriously ... unless you know you can trust your partner as a loving and caring individual that respects and appreciates the value of having kids ... don't even think about it and if by accident it happens and you wish to go through with it ... don't base your decision on the hope that it will bring forth - some kind of fantasy outcome. Time has proven ... time and time again ... that more often than not, it all ends up in one hell of a mess. It's a very hard cycle to break.

It's not worth the child support payments. They will all be eaten up in travel costs, not to mention psychological support and other varioius professionals to help pick up the pieces. It will cost you more $$$ and worst of all, your child will suffer a life of trauma early on which will greatly affect development. Your life will be a literal hell. The court systems in place will victimize you as too those that beleive in such BS ideals.

Trust me ... either terminate OR go it alone (don't tell your partner your pregnant!) with perhaps the support of your family if your lucky to have one that's not so affected with said scenario. Is very hard when girls are groomed so young to get this message through ... which is why they should be teaching this kind of thing in school. Teaching it as the primary lesson with addition and subtraction coming a distant second.

Think about the kids your bringing into this world.

Just my 2 cents is all .... Yadda Yadda

Adios until next post:
https://image.ibb.co/nGmDmv/Kid_TV.gif

[Ponder]

It was tough going through the trafic. We arived late and in a bit of a rush. I was asked to wait outside on my own. Just having coffee and riding the buzz with not much else on my mind. The ladies felt too uncomfortable with me wishing to go in. Fair enough. I understand. They are nervous as well. Wife texted to say her and the little one is in a locked room while daughter is being questioned.
https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4377/36798463550_9e5a4c764b_z.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/Y4KKb7)
Generated from my Samsung SM-J105Y using tools.rackonly.com (tools.rackonly.com)
Excuse typos. Left glases in car. Time to go find a public toilet. Think I will have to launch an app for that.

[Ponder]

Not doing well ... all the more I am positing:

70 *&ÎNG $ for 3 hours parking - WTF!!! Talk about heart palpitations. I was directed to get back in the vehicle before the boom gate could be raised. We put the card in like 3 times with no effect accept the machine telling us we owed near 100 bucks. You've got to be *&^%ing kidding me was all I could think. We'll have to check the account later at they probably charged us like 70 bucks 3 times.

I don't know guys. I am loosing my mind the more I have to go through all this crap. I remember all to well that court building as if it was yesterday. It's been well over 20 years and after sitting there with my coffee observing the comings and goings It's sad to say, but nothing has changed. The same old clowns with their gowns taking up 2/3rds the space on the walkway with the bitter faces and white haired hats go about thinking everyone should clear a patch just for them. The young ones sporting their image wanting to walk about like those clown so too they can have others clear a path for them. No one gives a fuck about the kids. Pffft ... "The Best Interest of the Kids" they say. What a crock of shit!

The whole thing was basically a waste of time. They cut out my daughters support by not allowing my wife to be present during questioning; regardless of the psychologist letter stating that if accurate information was to be obtained from the little one's mother than her support person should be allowed to be present. NOPE ... they may of well muzzled our daughter by no permitting her a support person. I thought that was really fucked! You see ... fact is Myself, my daughter and my grandson have legitimate barriers when cornered in a room with emotionless clinical vultures whose only purpose is to steer you in a direction that's aligned with their learned text.

Sigh yea yea ... I'm not doing so well. I know. Just hitting it out as all this compliance is getting way too old. I've broken out in some kind of stress rash and cortisol levels all over the place. :(

Is easy to stay fit and healthy ... well balanced when you don't have all this kind of stress in your life.

I was spot on in my other post when I said it's a hard cycle to break. Despite trying so hard, no more drugs, no more drinking, no more toxic food and so on ... the system stays the same and continues to chew up the residual of my family. I won custody in that building some 20+ years ago and now my oldest boy is battling his own addictions and a system that restricts him from seeing his own child. Worst of all I will soon have to sit back and watch my grandson be abused by a man hiding behind a church. A man that is supported by a regime that's big on corporal punishment. Using peers to make individuals submit. To see vulnerable children abused in such ways ... back with an authoritative administration hell bent on it's own establishment to which is really the essence of that BS claim - "best interest"

No one cares ... I get that. Is what it is. People get tired trying to expose what it really is ... this is way Law is meant to be complex. This is why people over 30 from a lower socio economic could care less. This is why most of those are all on meds. Yep ... is gong to be a hard task ... but we are ready to resist and fall into non compliance when the abuse starts. We shall resist. Fuck the authority of this land and the courts ... all those brown noses looking to become clowns walking the streets taking up space with their trolleys, boxes and paper work.

Fucking clowns ... just like the GPs, Psychiatrists and mental health nurses. Once you have seen them all - and doing round 2 you'll get a good feel for just how in tune this perspective is. We don't need their validation and they can dictate as much as they wish. I'll be there for all my kids after they've been beaten by this system. Already I can tell my oldest understand me better since having to deal with the (LOL @ copout term) → 'Imperfect System'. Pfft at such an off loading term. Just like one generation blames the other, the professionals will continue to focus on the symptoms and ignore the cause. All comes down to the Create Problem, BS solution, Intake Problem, BS solution, Create new problems onto admin new BS solutions and so on.

At least have the fucking sense to give concessions on those BS parking fees and if you must charge near a $100 for parking ... then charge those Fucking Clowns $2000 to work towards the so called best interest of kids.

Now to go rob a bank!

Adios Until Next Post:
https://image.ibb.co/ihTCzk/akai1710w.gif
Like I really give a fuck! :)

None of this is surprising since we live in a country that still have to vote on same sex marriage.

I was glad to hear that when they used large doll to represent Dad and then a small one to represent the little fella... the little fella says NO - that's poppy. I still can't fathom that there trying to overturn the kid's decision to call individuals as he sees fit. I guess we do still live in an age where left handers are force to write with their right ... in a manner of speaking!

Bias aside ... and you really do have to be in my shoes to understand my plight ... we are so still living in the dark ages.

PLEASE DO KEEP PUSHING THE NORTH!!! I am SO hoping for Nuke to fly. Many of us are.

Sigh ...

Next post ... Positive Thinking. :)

[Ponder]

Want to find a password to someones router to use their WIFI? I could not be bothered getting up to ask and tried the following tutorial. Works like a charm and can't wait to try it out on the neighbours when I get home:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=doawW0uj7Rc

[Ponder]

My mother must be praying for me. I've got body lice once again. :( The little fella as well. Can't do much till I get back home. Is one nightmare after another.

[martin05]

How long until you're back home? Sounds like it's been a nightmare.

[Ponder]

3 hours and counting. Somehow I don't think arriving home is going to solve this one. 'If' its not psychosomatic and I actually do have mites under my skin, well lets just say its going to be an interesting jouney once again. My wife thinks its all in my head. I figure If I will roll around in her bed and populate her sheets with my pyscosamtic bugs and see where that leads. :)

[Ponder]

Back home ... seen a doctor for what that's worth ... have to up the hygiene routine as body is caving in to tinea complications re my skin. I've done well with my mindset for the most part, it's just my body giving in. Since being updated with more as to the court family assessor's attitude, 'victimization' does not even come close when terming the power mongering and abuse that goes on with such judicial systems. Long story short, tis the clinical system that feeds and creates it's own problems.

Today I am off for some peer based psycho socialization where we create our own solutions. FUCK THE LAW OF THE LAND AND EVERY IDEAL IT'S FOUNDED ON! Fuck you too if your a flag flying patriot & or bible thumper that subscribes to such BS notions. The more you victimize the more toxic your problem. Such a system does more to tear apart families than all this BS about welfare agencies boasting how they are for keeping them together.

I'm still venting to be sure. I have another granddaughter that I have not talked about but the truth is I just don't have the capacity to take that little one on board. That little one is tied up in a hell of her own with another family doing what they can to stabilize that boat. Best I can do is be there for my eldest son. I stand by my claim regarding these young professionals that get about in the system as they do looking out for their own interest with little regard for the lives that they abuse. It's an abusive system point blank. I aim to detach with my only inclination being still tied up in it all being that of grandsons force visitations to the byproduct of this BS system.

Righto ... time for coffee then on 'me'bike and off I go to mingle with affected peers like myself. :)

FTW!

[Ponder]

I had a good day @ Bike Group. Despite all the shit I have written about ... I still went out and did something. I'm glad I did. :) I may currently hate this pathetic world and those that live in it ... but I own the way I feel ... I choose to feel this way and if feels fucking great to accept the way I feel. :) Fuck Yea!!!!

That's my evening therapy.

Moving On - Loves Yas!
https://image.ibb.co/nEZoEv/until_next_postl.gif

[Ponder]

Well that was cool. Just listened to the casini space probe plunging 75000+kph into saturn. That mission outdating most users in here. Here's to the next mission.

[Ponder]

Feeling a little more spirited. I put together the following as my post for tonight:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_wc0qd4e16o&feature=youtu.be

[Ponder]

Morning Post - Text To Speech. TTS: Acceptance & Moving On.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=prV5p6Zpa5o&feature=youtu.be

[Ponder]

http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleep.gif Tis important ... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Going to try a new group. See if I can fill my days up a little more. Is good to hang out with peers that reciprocate. This journal is good for some things, but kind of lacks when it comes to feedback. Although the voices in my head are doing a good enough job of that. For now at least. :)

[Ponder]

I really enjoyed the group I participated in today. I started by taking a couple of photos before engaging with others. The following is a snap shot of the park table where we later sat, had a good chat, some coffee and a few biscuits. We also kicked a ball back and forth as well as went for a walk:

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4356/36486044883_4c882b96e8_b.jpg (https://www.flickr.com/photos/71988794@N08/36902129890/sizes/o/)

The psycho socialization is something that I highly value. This is a new group I am trying out. I have men's group tomorrow and then a course by the same mental health service the day after + bike group the second day after that. The best thing I liked about today's group is the outdoor setting. It's about a 40 minute drive from where I live. I rode my bike to the centre where I met with a few others and we where then driven to location and met with other locals in that area. I was informed today was a small group being 5 in total. Sometimes they have up to ten. Lately most of the groups I have been attending are usually around 6 attendees which is a sweet spot for me. I don't mind larger groups though as I like being around like minded peers. I am very lucky to live in a place that has a peer based support centre. Peer based operations like the one I attend are a rarity. I've been struggling with mental health most of my life and been frequenting many different kind of centres from a host of drug and alcohol rehabilitation centres, church related mental health groups, court refereed appointments and various other group therapy based organizations all of which were based on a clinical model that had nothing to do with a peer based model.

The peer based model I am referring to is best summed up with the following book:
Intentional Peer Support: An Alternative Approach (https://www.amazon.com.au/Intentional-Peer-Support-Alternative-Approach-ebook/dp/B0155XU7Q8/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_product_top?ie=UTF8)

I'm still yet to read the book. I am however very close to finishing IPS course via the centre I attend. The course is based on the book and pretty much the framework that the centre I attend bases its work ethic on when dealing with 'clients' such as myself. I have no intention of becoming a peer worker as such, but do see myself as a valued peer that has much to offer from a reference point as remaining an ongoing client.

In my opinion as soon as I adopt the official role as 'peer worker' it kind of goes down hill from there. I'd like to explain further as it's not so much a case of lack of confidence on my part to which has been brought to my attention many times in the same way I already mentioned being commonly identified and misinterpreted as a 'strong individual' re resilience. It's where I find the Peer in Peer Based concepts falters due to in house politics despite the well thought out frame works as detailed in said book. Additional rules hem me in and change the nature of who I really be ... if I was to accept a formal role of 'peer worker' ... in fact it happens in any kind of J - O - B ... as commonly termed and administrated in our complex society.

None the less ... Peer Base Mental Health Concepts are an awesome branch when not associated with historical rigid and idealist ways of doing things. I'll never fit in ... ever ... to those kind of ways of doing things. I don't mind the community spirit of such establishments, but will always reject being hemmed in.

Enough said. I know I repeat myself ... but so do the greats like good old Eckhart Tolle and Jon kabat zinn. Of course they say it way way better than I can. Essentially I just don't fit into this far far from perfect world. I've grown to walk the other way without caring what others think. If I was to accept some kind of role as in playing some kind of part in contributing; it would be to lead others astray! In terms of what most think as normal living. I now only wish to mix with hard and complex cases not discounting those considered as 'special'. In fact I much prefer to hang with those of us considered retarded and look to avoid normal in the same way I avoid riding my bicycle on the road.

I think that's a wrap for now ... best get my last part of my routine out of the way ... ruminate, relax a little more and then perhaps make one more share before hitting the sack.

[Ponder]

Elyssia - In Starlight: New age music with beautiful female vocals

Nice Vibes, Nice Voice, Nice lyrics and Nice visuals.

Lyrics:
And we stand in Starlight on this world
All the things to come yet unfurled
Many secret moments neath the skies
As we stand in Starlight on this world


Hear me know, for I do sing to thee
Ever sweet, yet distantly
In a sound for souls so lost and far
Listen now and come to sing with me


Say you when, your troubles filled your heart?
There I be to wish them depart
In the starlit sky all shadows die
As we stand in starlight on this world


Ahhhhh etc


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IQ-JsnwYOPI

http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleeping-on-keyboard.gif

[Ponder]

Woke up very early this morning and decided to ride with yesterdays good vibes by rendering the following drawing:

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4398/37139694242_1b92b2baeb_b.jpg

Just got some steel cut oats on the stove. I love my oats. Sun is warming up now. Will do my ritual breakfast in the morning sun and a little meditation.

The stress never seems to stop but I guess it's all in the approach. I was thinking triggers are not the be end all. Build up of stress and how we let that affect us is probably just as much an issues as addressing triggers. Although ... undoubtedly they go together as surely as the mind and body.

Yesterday I took the little fella to the library whilst mum and nanna attended the solicitors office re the ongoing family court saga. When I pulled up in the car park the little guy started to melt down because I had not parked in the right spot. Not quite sure where he wanted me to park I tried another position. Third time lucky I arrived in the same spot the last couple of times we had visited. Finally we could disembark from the vehicle and trek on into the library. The workers there at times give my grandson and I a little attitude as I typically ignore others when looking on wondering why the little one needs to be so vocal when expressing. I just join in with him matching his vocals as I help to answer his passionate questions.

I get a text that it's time to leave which usually takes me another 10 minutes of full on tactful persuasion before we can leave. He gets really attached when we arrive somewhere and is not so quick to just be upheaved. I don't blame him really ... I'm pretty much the same. Wrong world ... definitely wrong world. I just hope when this kids father gets a hold of him for unsupervised visits, that he learns quick ... you don't push these kids. No doubt he will try to break his spirit like most other establishments do when enforcing their ways. That about pretty much sums up this world.

Sigh ... No matter. My other half is struggling today. It's just one appointment to the next. She is more upset how the court assessor cut despite our daughters letter from psychologist advising that our daughter needed support during information session where details are sort. Again ... the system enforcing its own agenda over so called best interest. Fuck em all ... fuck the snotty nose library workers, the court officials and every other pen pushing brow beating brown nose self centered self righteous fucker.
______________________

Righto ... time for my oats and recharge in the sun. I got some more socializing to be done.

[Ponder]

Scored some decent bike parts up at the Tip Shop. Good day. Nothing to complain about. :)

[Ponder]

One of my favorites:
https://youtu.be/sIErBrStvxc
Zzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Vlog - Bang Bang Bang!!! "Who the fuck is that at my door?"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7_6EOypwcKQ&t=7s


On Another Note:
I am going start talking about the importance of sleep again. Just my view on it and will start sharing the resources that have helped me. Here's is a link to something that I have found very helpful:

SOUND ASLEEP The Expert Guide To Sleeping Well.docx (https://drive.google.com/open?id=1OOSpnezXBvcOw63fGAzO8ZG-U9RIWYHaduWkCrQAaGg)
The format is not the best however if your handy with opening and transferring text it's really is no problem at all.

[Ponder]

“How does sleep heal toxins that form in the blood during our waking hours?” OK Good Question. I will answer this for you now:

1st Hit - Opening Statement from → How Sleep Clears the Brain (https://www.nih.gov/news-events/nih-research-matters/how-sleep-clears-brain):
"A mouse study suggests that sleep helps restore the brain by flushing out toxins that build up during waking hours."

Very Interesting. I have heard about this finding mentioned in a sleep documentary that I watched during a plane flight and also mentioned in a few web articles as well as a Youtube Video.

Video explanation of this process: (Relates well to above article)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=COFgTI_-1IM

I'm pretty sure this is the gist of the post I was questioned about. I feel this answers the question pretty much in a concise manner so therefore will hit enter before rambling on with my own views.

To the person who asked ... I hope this information helps.

[Ponder]

To finish off on a relaxing note and with an idea that's going to offer me an AWESOME and much needed ESCAPE:

Guild Wars 1 - Not 2 - The original piece of mastery in the area of MMORPG.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7KkANX5gEE

With a bit of commentary:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bgyS_-HiD54

This game was WAY WAY ahead of its time. Just a quick read here will explain that → Guild Wars Wiki (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guild_Wars)
Released over 12 years ago in 2005. It was renowned for playing on low end systems back then yet produced stunning graphics for its time. This alone should make it a must have for anyone with an low end system today. I intend to have the trilogy pack by end of next week. Although there is not much of a community for things like PVP and the like ... there is just so much more to Guild Wars that you don't even need to play co-op. Although co-op it's an amazing game. Hoping to talk a friend into this one actually. See what happens. If anyone here is interested don't be shy ... send me a PM as I am happy to play with anyone. I met a lot of good folk playing this game!

There just has not been anything like it for me since this game. Immediately upon entering into Guild Wars 2 I knew I had wasted my money. They changed it too much for my liking. Other games started to use micro transactions, too much emphasis on farming, grinding - ALTHOUGH there is an element of that in Guild Wars and I do enjoy a good grind - But it was different some how. Possibly because everyone was on the same playing field with no micro transaction to get ahead. Sure you could buy into some aesthetics but introducing purchasing gold and all the BS killed games like this. Just my opinion ... but it how I feel. Diablo 3 is too much about the killing. Again Guild Wars has a lot of killing in it, but you kind of have to think more about how you go about it. over a 1000 skills with only 8 slots. The game mechanics are awesome ... just so much you can do with it. The more I think about it the more I can't wait till end of next week when I can purchase it.

The MUSIC is something I got lost in many times ... sound effects are also well mixed. The world itself is also amazing and not something I have gelled with in other games like it. Most probably because having play guildwars and seeing such a good game being lost I have been unable to stand exploring other worlds based on micro transactions and the like. The maps are really huge and you really do need to explore it all in order to get the most out of the game. The questing is a real pleasure to pay. Again ... something I have not enjoyed in other games. It does not feel as repetitive as many others ... I think because of the game mechanics and just how big the maps are. HUGE story and Huge Maps.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Reach my limit now ... this will be an awesome distraction. Not much info on guides ... but I don't think you really need much in that way. This is a game where you enjoy working things out as you go along. I guess I may find some archived guides here and there ... boss maps and likewise aids.

Night night ...

[Ponder]

Guild Wars is up and running. Here is a Game Recording I put together:

I was able to use my old details from all those years ago to get Guild Wars up and running once more. I downloaded the installer and put in my details and was able to come up with the following video. I was unable to capture things as clear as I see it due to the rendering size. I wanted to keep it small so as not to take up much space and time. Best I could do was center a 720P rendering in a 1920P composition. That should give a gerneal idea of what to expect. I was actaully impressed given the age of the game. Guild wars was really ahead of its time.

Things to note for me ... is the Music. I absolutely love the music and sounds. Don't expect many people to be running about the place. There are a few and I really don't know what districts to hang out in. I have made a couple of Guild Wars friends already as it is since logging in, so that's a good sign as far as I am concerned. What I am playing this game for the relaxing experience of questing at my own pace. There are heroes you can take along with you and control if you wish ... otherwise they fight just as good on auto. I did not show this in the video although a couple of computer generated AIs jumped down from the trees to assist.

This game should run on any system now ... I'd even bet it would run on an office laptop. I might even try it on my wife's $300 eBay laptop just for kicks. I think it's great that the servers are still running and people still playing. The game is still for sale on steam. You get the full features of this styled game ... without all the associated BS the ruins the mechanics. You really can't lose. IMO it's currently one of the best deals as far as old games goes ... best game regardless of price when it comes to classics from that period.

I look forward to sharing a few more vids of a new character. See what happens.

I have pretty much forgotten how to play. I will have to start a new character from scratch to learn all over again:
The colors will also be more vivid in game as well when compared to this render.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AYtPeJG70ic&feature=youtu.be

Sorry for the sudden ending ... still having issues with having to change frame rates for certain file formats and bla bla bla ... I'll work it out one day!

[Ponder]

Another late one. I actually had a good chat over at the mental health chat site. You can find link in the news section to the index of this site.

Need to work more on my routine. Have had a LOT going on. Might cut back on some of the groups actually. The riding of bike as been very challenging on a social integration level ... mixing with traffic and people kind of thing.

That's kind of a story in itself. I actually practiced taking it easy on the foot patch being as considerate as I could be. There is a LOT of hate between cars, bikes and pedestrians. I had to question just how toxic this whole bike thing could end up being for me ... BUT ... after exercising some kindness to others ... like getting off my bike, nodding to others, giving way and so on ... there were some people who's faces lit up. That kind of made me think it was worth the effort in focusing on what works. I think I will try a few more times on how to commute in a way that best suits me. Thankfully it is actually legal where I live to ride on the foot path. I just have to work out the grey rules.

I am getting better at throwing my leg over the saddle where I just cruise on one peddle with two feet and then skip into a walking position where I then slowly take up position at whatever crossing. I then slowly walk across ... then when it's safe to do so I slowly resume back on the footpath where I will later be found dismounting to let a mobility scooter ride on past ... and so on I have been practicing interacting like that. Like I said ... very challenging stuff. I do prefer the back suburban roads ... but I am getting better each time dealing with the CBD the more I practice getting about.

Adios ... until next post. ;)

[Ponder]

Today's Bike Ride: I'm starting to look forward to my bike rides as I find more routes that challenge me. I don't mind the sacrifice in speed and actually like the extra effort it takes to climb hills on this bike. At the moment I am still building up my leg strength yet am fit enough to get a good sweat up. I'm not quite sure if I am yet fit enough to ride to the hockey oval to do my laps however would like to reach a state of health in which to do that. Fuel is getting so expensive here in Australia that when I am fit enough to trot regularly it's costing me bit in fuel to get to my preferred running locations. I like to avoid the pavement at all costs.

I'm toying with the idea of getting a camera that's centered in a pair of sunglasses. More so the Pivothead Durango Video Glasses that have been out for a couple of years now. I'd like to make some of my Vlogs a bit more interesting. Searching for secluded spots tend to make me feel uncomfortable. More so when looking for places in town to do a vlog. There are a few cons to using cameras like this. Mostly the angle aiming a little high ... however for bike riding this should not be so much of an issue. I have seen a video where someone seemed to overcome this. I figure I can tilt the braces on my ears if need be. I don't know yet. I always think up grandiose ideas; only later to trade them in on something else. I'm not buying a new bike. This old one is doing the trick pretty good!

Today's Bike Ride: It's going to be a good spot as the heat of summer sets in.

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4401/37230704632_a012ac824d_o.jpg (https://www.flickr.com/photos/71988794@N08/37230704632/sizes/o/)

AWESOME SPOT!!!
https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4344/36590706953_ff1e245c27_o.jpg (https://www.flickr.com/photos/71988794@N08/37402512895/sizes/o/)

Before I arrived at the above spot I was sapping up the midday sun. Here I pull over to view the paddock on top of a hill that sadly ... is private property. There are a few rolling hills on the other side I wanted to ride across. This bike is made for such riding on I love the workout it gives me.
https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4465/37402513715_e6d1441dbb_o.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/YZ8Ef8)



This bike riding takes a bit of effort in this part of town. I like it!
https://image.ibb.co/ge62zQ/Untitled_2.gif

[Ponder]

My New Best Friend - Does everything I need it to: (An oldie but a goodie :) )

Taken with the Galaxy Note 8
https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4360/36550746034_36efb97813_o.jpg (https://www.flickr.com/photos/71988794@N08/36550746034/sizes/o/)

[Ponder]

I got this feeling that I'm just taking up space and holding others back. I've really struggled with moving on despite trying several times. I'll at least wrap up this thread.

It's been up and down but helpful for the most part. Time to take a new path.

[iwanttobeok]

Hey, at least you care about how you affect people, even if you aren't making as negative an impact as you say you do. Some people need to evaluate how they stand in terms of that. But feel better :)

[Ponder]

I just needed some space was all iwantobe ok, but thanks for the kind words. Much appreciated.

I share this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YnhR6bbrcqY

Video Description:
Sadly the little fella has been having these episodes where he seems to collapse on the floor. He can still move a little bit but is very weak. After he is able to get up he is very weak for a couple of hours after where he can not perform basic physical tasks such as climbing on a bed. He gets dizzy and his head goes lop sided. Apparently this in not uncommon of ASD kids. The ASD is still under diagnoses .. but these latest events kind of have us less worried of the latter.
Listening to the little guys responses after watching this has us quite concerned. Hopefully we can sort this out. Sadly there is a lot of stress going on in the background re family courts forcing orders that are about to dramatically rock this little 3 y/o's world. :( Very sad for us all to watch. He will be at major risk as too his conditions no doubt exacerbated. We are trying to focus on solutions despite hitting many blocks along the way.

Towards the end of that episode I unwittingly said ... "I think it's all in his mind - at the moment" I really don't know why I said that. I was nervous and scared. I was throughout the whole ordeal. I kind of meant to say that "I think the worst is over and he is now struggling with what has happened and still happening" Is easy to say in hindsight and I kind of tried to correct myself as my wife ticked my off for speaking so tactlessly. (I guess after being told myself all my life that it's all in my head makes the phrase a hard habit to break, although no excuse for being so tactless all the same) Clearly after watching this vid ... and knowing well the history of his other epps and how he was after this ... we are going to have to watch the guy very closely. SIGH ... this is only one little bit of the trauma yet to come.

MAN ... Tomorrow I have to take drive my wife for yet another long trip to a special hospital re her MS (multiple Sclerosis) ... at that same time my daughter will be stuck at her house on a phone conference with the family courts who intend to make orders that are going to place the little guy at further risk. Sadly our daughter will have no support and have to deal with her son who is a major handful at the best of times. So much on all our minds it's really hard ... during this phase of continual stress building and building. My heart is torn for this little guy ... also for my wife and daughter as we are each suffering in silence if truth be told ... and I am one for telling it to be sure!

SIGH ... it's always about our next move. I think is that case for most of us in this life.

I think tonight this was a good post and more than enough reason to be taking up said space. Anxiety and Depression to be sure. This shit is the tip of the ice burg and I am clinging by a thread to keep my sanity ... I swear it. The pain runs deep this day, but tomorrow is another day!

No doubt one's pain can become one's purpose. Not to project but to protect ... that we all may grow as best we can with what they day throws at us.

It's easy to be mr or mrs guru when life is a breeze ... yadda yadda ...

Chin up ... time to get some sleep.

Thanks again iwantobeok.

[Ponder]

Best I can finish off with is this:
https://image.ibb.co/mcpU15/flute.jpg

After paying for the little guys Psychology appointments I had enough left over to buy myself a flute. It's going to be part of my mediation practice. It's on the way from america as I type, although can take between 14 to 20 odd days. My memory is shot which is why I am no longer playing guitar. I can't play guitar from the heart ... but after hearing the Native American Flute and seeing some tutorials on how to play up and down the scale I was sold on the idea of it being the easier instrument out of all the ones I have tried. If all else fails ... at least breathing in .... and then out ... and then back in and so on is going to be a win win situation for me. May as well learn to make some nice vibes while breathing.

Oh yea ... I got one that plays at a 432hz ... here it is here being played by the guy that owns the shop:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_MlcVrEhlE

I even got a flute stand to keep it aired out ... a flute cleaning kit, swede padded flute bag and couple of instructional books/dvds.

It's something NEW, it's positive, its another tool in my well being kit. If it can keep me off the meds which really just make things worse for me ... then that's a plus in my book!
I ran out of funds otherwise I would of got a drum as well. :)

OK ... Best hit the sack ... bid day tomorrow. I try to dream ... I have actually been having some pretty lucid dreams of late.
I did just take two herbal Valerian root tablets ... hopefully they will help me sleep. They usually do since I eat clean and don't take meds. In fact I hope I will be fresh enough to drive.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ night night.

[Ponder]

Vlog 25 On me Bike: Just a random Vlog whilst out on my bike. Had a good day actually. Not sure why, but I seem to keep getting online gifts from other gamers. It's a real nice feeling when people are so generous like that. Is nice to know there are actually good people out in the world.

I'm kind of out of breath during this video as it really was a Hit and Run vlog ... spur of the moment. In and Out. Although I did a cheesy set up and ending. : )

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LobZYxj9dRQ

I picked up a good book recently. I could do with practicing my speech. I might read a few poems from it in my next vid.
https://image.ibb.co/gH0YVb/Being.jpg (https://www.amazon.com/Being-Susan-Hayward/dp/0959043985)

[Ponder]

The Transition:

I can't quite put my finger on it. I'm only writing because it's usually the prescription given to those who've just come back from the astral realm . Whilst most people worry about coming back to this one, I can tell you it's not my preferred option! At least not at this stage of whatever scenario I'm able to accept or even comprehend. In fact I doubt I can adequately capture the dream I just had, other than to acknowledge it for the 'trip' I just took. This was not a lucid dream as such. Just thinking about it now kind of raises the hair on my skin. In before making my herbal tea and just now sitting down, I checked myself in the mirror and all the hair on my body was a rigid and standing on end. I challenged myself to look at my silhouette as I had done before going to bed as I had fully intended to take this trip before bedding slipping into bed and shutting down. The following is more about that journey.

First though I make the following *Note → I've been stuck in this Anxiety forum for years now. I relate that fact to one where I am still here, talking to myself! ... as similar to the despair of being stuck on this earthly realm were too, in this current phase I am now destined to also endure a long period of loneliness. I am seeing this as nor good and bad, wrong or right or good or evil; merely as the experience to which I have felt and feeling. To what level of control I have is not something I feel the need to impress but merely let unfold at a rate that syncs as it must; a natural occurrence if you will. Something not to be forced as we very much the case with how tonight trip unfolded.

About that ... hmmm ... details are seemingly to me not the knowledge to which I wish to draw from but more the process of events so that I may better allow my continued journey to unfold more smoothly ... with less pain ... although I am not sure pain is what I experience although calling out to those who intend to harm me to hit as hard as they can. For sure details and events play their part. Remembering is not such an easy thing. Nevertheless tonight's episode was extremely real - as real as it gets. I came to with tears in my eyes. More from a realization of just how alone I really am and also knowing that I will probably never be understood ... at least not by those commonly stuck in the dream state realm of this world of form.

In that regard my trip just put me back in this same world but on another stage was all:
___________________

Phase of of this trip began earlier today when I was wide awake learning from several different materials on astral projection. I've read a little and even posted on the subject before. I have lucid dreamed many times before. This time I wanted to consciously leave my body. I remember and even now just thinking about it my skin kind of crawls ... I made a point to look across the hall with lights off with only enough illuminated light, to make out my dark silhouette reflected back at me from the bathroom mirror. I wanted to be prepared to meet my shadow self. This coming from my latest delving into sharmonic readings. An interest into using rattles, drums and of course, the newly purchased native american flute; still in transit itself. Looking forward to learning that as well.

So anyways - I ended up drifting off after watching the following vid: (which I thought was really good!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8VB6h_bWR3Y&list=PLU7uB3u-JFwvFmGVFkyCgBvyXVtL0vTbl&index=12

Then I had what most would consider a dream ... I'm thinking more a dream like state in which to me everything was as real in this here waking state [world of form] (although most humans are thoroughly conditioned and still asleep unaware of the concept of souls trapped in a body [ponders how some term 'trapped' more as 'schooling/lesson' - I guess that comes down to concepts such as Aliens Vs Religion.]

Anyways ... I saw no silver cord, nor white light buzzing above more head or even envisaged coming out of my body. Although the latter I tried as no more than a means as a runner in his blocks sets up for a race. I merely set the intention. Again, what really had me prepared was the fact I had been prepping for days before. I physical activity that I paced myself with, what I ate, the previous sleeping patterns up to how I synced with nature and the sun as too avoided most of the toxicity this world and all that's in it adds to that mix ... right up to the end where I challenged myself to look into that bathroom mirror at my shadow self before hitting my bed. To me ... all those events where far more important than the myriad of online dotted guides of how one must envisage this or that. For me ... it does not work like that. It's more about understanding the process and aligning it all with wherever I am currently at.

SO:

I kind of just drifted in and out with a very dim light next to my bed. I remember coming to and thinking ... it's time to switch off that dim light and let yourself go. So I did.

I now take some time ... I hit enter and think of what happened next.
__________________________________________________ _______

[Ponder]

What did happen. Again ... my memory is already failing as it is during its waking state ... let alone recalling from whatever realms.

I ended up in a general base hospital. It's all now very sketchy. Once again, I am more interested in the process but I will try to explore the details as I fully intend in future episodes (or not) ...

I was in search of help. I know that much. I saw a close distant friend from the waking world who told me to just inject 50 milligrams of Triglyceride (or something that sounded like that) with 60 milligrams of 'something else?' - I was in some cubical and accesses drugs I was not suppose to be touching ... I injected myself with said drugs to which my friend then disappeared as did his two kids. I was then aimlessly and somewhat leglessly getting about. I do remember trying to hide the evidence of what I had just did. I could not find a sharps bin to properly dispose the needle which was fully exposed. I did not have the needle cover. I thought about putting in on several ledges I stumbled upon but then did not want anyone to get hurt. I was running out of time to dump the needle as I was becoming more unable to stand let alone walk. "What am I going to do!" I was now attracting attention of nurses and doctors as I fumbled from one room to another without a clue as to where I was going.

Long story short ... or not ... A security guard was standing over me with one of those police telescopic sticks used to beat people with. For some weird reason a few people standing about in white coats told the guard to start beating on me. I implied that it was not going to work on me, that all it would do is make me yearn to be beaten all the more. He started hitting. I yelled out for some more. "Hit Harder!" I keep yelling. Eventually the guard starts to tire and the white coats look unsatisfied. Now no longer yelling, I softly imply that such was a waste of time; "It does not work on me." They simply left.

From there ... a TV Character from an Australian Hospital Drama Series back from the waking world came to my aid. I felt she was genuine and wanted to help. There where again white coats present. I objected. They all left including the TV Character. This one doctor remained ... white coat and all. We talked ... those details would of required me to write straight into a dairy next to my bed. I did not. I just caught the essence of the process and perhaps the ending.

I felt that last doc like the TV character was genuine with wanting to help. I explained how I was hurt and just looking for something to ease my pain. I explained about my friend but did not want to identify him for fear of him getting into trouble. Once I mentioned injecting the drugs and also about the person (my friend) who told me to take them ... the doctor seem to understand. Fact was before the guard started beating on me ... I was having some kind of fit coming in and out of consciousness. I was trying not to convulse and also deciding if I was going to foam at the mouth or not. I use the term decide in that last sentence because it's at this stage of the trip that I realize I've taken a trip. I'm not going to say a lucid dream. This was kind of different in that I felt like this time I was more coming back. I only took pause during the conversation with the doctor where I was now observing myself in all this not to mention accessing research on how to make the most of this event/trip.

I tried not to make too much sense of the details other than to ask why I went where I did and why what happened did ... why did I paint such a scenario (not to fussed on the I or if I did) - "are these real tears?" "What are these emotions?" "Where are they coming from?" I slowly came to and felt the tears now running down both my cheeks. I paused again to savor some kind of relief. There were other details such as doubt and fear ... but I kind of new not to delve too much into the drama but more just experience what was happening with perhaps more so ... just trust allow things to unfold. It's like I was making some connection with the difference of Lucid Dreaming and Astral Projection. A transition between the two kind of thing.

For now it really is all about the process. All the stuff about fear, being trapped, drama and all that ... that's the kind of stuff I am intentionally working on overcoming so that my future attempts with coming and going from such states ... whatever they be ... can be more rewarding. I know I am pretty much done with this waking world. I really want no part of it. That said I am learning more about how to endure pain and also how to accept not knowing what it's all about. I am also accepting my own degradation (layers unfolding/exposing) and deterioration ... my failing memory, my failing brain and my failing body ... and so on ...

There is a lot going on in that process ... far more than I can write tonight. I see a lot of growth happening ... and perhaps finally a transition coming where I might actually break free. :)
_______________________________

Tis a void in here for now ... but that is OK by me. Voids need not be a bad thing.

Adios until next post.

[Ponder]

Sound Therapy. Something a little different than your average band:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FxzACJ8s5TU

[Ponder]

The Native American Flute arrived. :) It's a real pleasure to learn!!! I am loving it. So much so that I actually don't care who hears it. Hmmm almost. I've already pulled it apart and got to know it quite well. I think this instrument is going to be a keeper for this slow erratic learner:

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4481/36781054354_8ffcdc8eb9_o.jpg
Native American Flute A Minor 432Hz Walnut - EXCELLENT TOOL FOR ANXIETY & DEPRESSION ... ANYONE CAN LEARN TO PLAY IT!!! Just inhale and breath out. :)

[Ponder]

Just an update on the flute playing. I can attest that the Native American Flute is indeed an easy instrument to learn. For me it's been the easiest and most pleasurable instrument I have taken on. I've only just learned the one scale. That's enough for me at this stage. My focus is meditation and breathing. Little bit by little bit. I'm just going up the scale like strolling up a mountain and then branching out with a few bird beats ... then I snake on down the trunk of a tree. It's the first time I have ever been able to play without all that intellectual mental masturbation that so common with western music and most other arts technically assimilated and pulled apart. Of course, I would probable not view it like so if I was left brained inclined. Thankfully I am left handed. :) Whatever the *&^# that means. Just messing with yas.

On another front I've been having to deal with my skin crawling once again. Enough said.

Until next post.

[Ponder]

From this mornings walk:

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4484/37301352690_6abb76dfab_o.jpg

Itching like crazy where it feels like I have body lice all over again. Sigh. Things we go through. Must be my body's electric field. :)

[Ponder]

Still battling with whatever this body itch is ... might be a reaction to the midgis. Sigh ... Managed to get out once again this afternoon. Did an hours working out my push bike by way of a long stretch then doing laps in the back streets near home. Currently having a lot of showers re the itch. Have been using clove and olive oil, then later washing off with natural soap with a rinse then Dettol baths. I was up at like 2am ... not sure how I will go tonight. Going to take the antihistamine during the day and skip tonight ... best on an empty stomach I thinks. Been washing my sheets and clothes in hot water paranoid about scabies / body lice. Man ... I had this thing for so long before it wore me down ... took me to the brink ... was around the time of my brothers death. RIP

I try to keep my spirits up. Yea ... I can see the damn midgis on my screen now as I type. Maybe my partner is right. Just a bad reaction to the midgis and not body lice. None the less the reaction I get feels like things crawling all over my skin. In my eyes and even in my nose. They symtoms pretty much mimic body lice ... BUT ... I stop thinking about it as much as I can. Might have to oil up later or just have another dettol bath. Deal with that when the time comes.

What else is happening ... I wonder ... things could be worse. Has not America launch any Nukes yet? Hmmm I was so hoping. Maybe tomorrow they will expedite things. Both troubles makers as far as I am concerned. Arrrr so many troubles we got hey. I figure if I am not itching for 10 minutes ... then I'm doing pretty *&^$ing good! :)

Might go dribble in my other thread.

Things could be worse.

Scratch ... scratch!

[Ponder]

Off to go make friends with the morning light. You know it's also good to make friends with yourself. At first it might seem weird but the bonus is when all else fails at least you can fall back on yourself. :)

I'll take my new phone and see if it takes a better pic.

Later guys ... Later Dave.

Heheheheheheeeee Is good to go insane from time to time. I try and stay in that vibe as long as I can.

[JohnC]

Off to go make friends with the morning light. You know it's also good to make friends with yourself. At first it might seem weird but the bonus is when all else fails at least you can fall back on yourself. :)

I'll take my new phone and see if it takes a better pic.

Later guys ... Later Dave.

Heheheheheheeeee Is good to go insane from time to time. I try and stay in that vibe as long as I can.

Hey P i just popped in to see whats been going on. Native American Flute.... Can't wait to here you blow out a relaxing melody. be safe and i hope all is well with the family.

[Ponder]

Hey Bud ... hope all is well with you and yours too. : ) Great to see ya man! I'll for sure link a tune once I have the confidence to play something in person. Long way off although very much enjoying the process of breathing with my flute.

Huge day today. Lots of walking and had another exercise session with my pushbike. The high point of today was coming across these awesome trees. I kind of broke away from the group in a trans like state taking in the majestic vibes coming from these

I was like WOW!!! I got to take a snap of that!
https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4509/37543346906_7055a63077_b.jpg (https://www.flickr.com/photos/71988794@N08/37543346906/sizes/o/)

In under that tree:
https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4506/23739271268_15b0b5954f_b.jpg (https://www.flickr.com/photos/71988794@N08/23739271268/sizes/o/)


This lady has the right idea ... although the smoke she is sucking on kind of negates the benefits: (Hope your giving up is going well John?)
https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4491/37543344146_f208e0471a_b.jpg (https://www.flickr.com/photos/71988794@N08/37543344146/sizes/o/)

These guys have a tree all to themselves! You'll probably have to click on the pic to see as the lighting was not that great and I did not have a powerful enough flash:
https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4444/37333856320_c3961647b4_b.jpg (https://www.flickr.com/photos/71988794@N08/37333856320/sizes/o/)

[Ponder]

Another big day. :) I have progressed on the flute. Now learning a full on breathing exercise that sounds really good as well. Back to doing some body weight exercises. The itching is a little better. Something I am still tethering with atm. Keeping my spirits up on that front. I have been dreaming every night now which is pretty good for someone drug free. Nothing worth going into detail right now ... just a few things I need to let go of I think.

As stated in the other thread I think I will pick up the hole deal with the astral realm in this here thread. Was fun while it lasted. lol ... always learning though. What's next? Good question. Hmmmm

Time coming up for another Vlog I guess. Whatever works right? It could be so easy to let myself go. I know that much. I think this is the longest ever with keeping the weight off I have ever gone. I've put on a few kgs here and there but seem to lose it easily enough. Usually I end up putting up to 20 or even 30kg back on. I know from experience I am too old for those ups and downs ... has to be gradual and then made a lifestyle otherwise I'm a heart attack job for sure, not to mention suicidal tendencies to the max. Every day is a chore in this world to keep on top. I just don't think the main stream media really understands the extent to that plight when it comes to sugar coating depression and anxiety with the examples I've seen hitting the screens of late.

Sigh ... I don't think even the esoteric crowed nor many of the famed spiritual teachers understand quite that plight as well. I guess I am just tired tonight. Tethering with this body itch has been quite sapping I must admit. I've done well not to go into detail on it actually; although probably just did.

To escape or not to escape ... To avoid the light ... or seek it out ... making sure to continue past GO not stopping to collect ... to only seek out a pin point of light all the way across the realm on the other end? Screw all the entertainment and drama in between.
Off to bed ... see what happens ... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

John buddy ... I sincerely hope you and yours are as well as can be.

Night night. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleep.gif

[Ponder]

Today I mowed and cut the edges of both my neighbours front yards. One was expecting the real estate the next day to take photos and was behind on his chores. He was exceptionally pleased that included his yard. The lady on the others side I don't get along that well with so figured I would just offer a bridge for the sake of hope. I just sung out in the most diplomatic way I could "Hey, while I'm at it would you like your edges done?" She had visitors with her out the front and seemed to like the idea of having me do her bidding. LOL ... Just kidding. None the less she was a taken back. I did a real good polish job for both the neighbours and got plenty of quality sun. :)

My wife was like - "What about our back yard?" I guess I get some more sun tomorrow afternoon.

I'm giving up Men's group for Music Group. The mental health center has moved into a new place. I'm not quite sure about it just yet. It's very comfy but mostly all white. Sadly they also have TV screens on the walls in different rooms. The had the main stream media in the client common room. This is going to present a real problem for me. At home I have a choice to switch it off, but not the case in what is now an official Government Building. It would seem this direction of peer based therapy is going to regress into something more clinical.

I did my best to remain respectful in an email I just sent. All I did was simply present my concerns. The thing is they have a policy about discussion within the centre that religion and politics are not to be brought in. With the screen projecting main stream news and it's associated politics in the common room ... well let's just say right there we have a conflict of interest. The other thing I brought up in my email was having a support worker from their own service accompany me to a medical centre to relieve my anxiety with TV screens in the waiting room. We found a spot and came up with a resolution that's actually been quite helpful. Alas ... you can imagine my surprise when entering the new mental health psychosocialization facility where I now attend groups and seeing the damn NEWS projected in the common room. Quietly I was like WTF!? Talk about irony.

Alas ... I made it clear the facility is not there for me ... or just for me. That I was just airing my concerns as it's a very real issue for me. If you don't say anything then admin wont know. I wish more people would speak up on issues that affect them. I also stated that I would deal with the issue either way. I could choose to sit outside and or consider the whole ordeal as a challenge for me to overcome. Just ignore the irony whilst quietly watching in an amused like manner as political debates and world views conflict. I will find it interesting to see how sheepish some of the mentally ill are as well as might be surprised to observe others like myself who would much prefer something less tense - be aired in the room.

SIGH ...

But for now ... I feel good that I did something nice for my neighbours. I think the flute playing is having a positive affect on me.
__________________

Tomorrow is Music Group. I think most of the guys play guitar. I'm not taking my flute however did mention I am learning it. There is no way I would be able to jam with the guys. The thing with the flute is more a meditative and personal thing. Unless others were wanting to learn flute it's best I leave that at home. At least until I am good enough to perhaps give a demo of breathing exercises for those interested in another tool for dealing with anxiety, depression and or mental health. For that I am amazed already what the breathing and tones have done for me.

We did work out though that I can do some percussion while the others play. Getting an Indian drum is next on my list as well as a rattle. They don't quite have that style of percussion, however they do have some bongo drums, an egg shaker and tambourine ... possibly a triangle as well. I told them I was down with all that.

That's pretty much my plan for tomorrow.

Of course ... finish my own yard as well.

Adios until next post. :)

[Ponder]

I have created my own Native American Flute Tab system ... still working on it though:
https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4456/37405245310_23ec7ff630_b.jpg

The size of the flute represents the difference in note length with drum beat to assist with reference between whole, half, quarter and like wise duration of note. Distance between each image is something I am factoring in. Each sequence of images is one breath long. This is part of a resonant breathing exercise breathing out for several seconds, taking a breath in less than .5 of a second and then breathing out for several seconds with 10 sequences in total. BPM is 64. Good for reducing stress whilst at the same time creating some nice tunes. I am still learning this ... however have had to create my own system of learning. I am also playing in conjunction with having cut a video of someone demonstrating this practice. I have divided the ten sections in a scene where the person is put on repeat with the same part being played over and over again. Since having come up with my own tab that accounts for the timing of each note I am now learning a much faster. Designing the process is in fact taking a lot more time - yet well worth it. My wife was complaining about the repetitiveness of my learning so had to come up with a more flowing system or at least one that only required a few repeats before moving on. This system also allow me to transcribe using only video of people playing without any provided sheet music. Although I do require a video that clearly depicts the fingering.
______________________________

I can now see room for inflection/emphasis ... will work on that too. Would be good to animate ... one thing at a time though.

Time to take a break.

My son is on an airplane heading to south Korea. I am happy for him. He is the first in our clan to set foot off a land mass and will soon be the first to land a foot in another land. :)

[Ponder]

Remember how you used to cheer yourself on when feeling a little flat, but knew the effort would be good for you? Yea I do ... Sigh:

Well ... Up and at 'em Dave!!! You got this!

If you want to be an author then start taking control of your own life.

Literally ... one foot in front of the other; and throw some push ups in there as well!

No brain fog this end! &^$@ that shit. There's a much better way and you know those GPs and like wise so called professionals can't be bothered telling others you about!

I still get the haze from time to time, but much better to break the tension with an affirmation followed with immediate action no matter how gentle the movement is. Next thing you know mild starts end up smashing walls because moving is better than not at all!

__________________________________________________ __

Ready Set GOOOOO. The snail now begins its daily haul. :)

Until next post.
KEEP MOVING!

[Ponder]

Fuck it ... Now that that's done I'm going to have a coffee. A french press one. Going to meditate while I make it. :)

Then learn some more of my 1st flute tune. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/drink/coffee-drinker-smiley-emoticon.gif

[Ponder]

This is pretty much a snap shot of the last couple of days on my end of the scale:

Life Without A Clothes Dryer
https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4481/36978378274_624f47431e_b.jpg (https://www.flickr.com/photos/71988794@N08/36978378274/sizes/o/)

I attempted to assist elsewhere in the forum today in response to books on depression. I ended up sourcing what looks like a decent book from a white coat in the field. Not often I give credit to the revolving door types. I think this one looks not half bad. It seems to draw up a good balance between therapy and medicine ... as in highlight just about everything else that is required in order to rewire the brain. The latter actually being another title to another book by the same author. Rewire.

https://image.ibb.co/m9geYw/shot_1.jpg (https://www.amazon.com/Undoing-Depression-Therapy-Doesnt-Medication-ebook/dp/B000SIULP8)

I went one further and used a text to speech to come up with the following for those interested in hearing more about this book ... The Introduction to this book:
You can choose 1080p to read along or click on the amazon pic below vid to explore even more about the book.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dS_uszotBzU&feature=youtu.be

https://image.ibb.co/ieZNmG/shot_2.jpg (https://www.amazon.com/Undoing-Depression-Therapy-Doesnt-Medication-ebook/dp/B000SIULP8)
__________________________________________________

I'm actually going through a really hard time watching my grandson being forced between families. Just when I thought all my hard times were subsiding through the act of letting go, more stuff just keeps coming up. Alas is the story of life and all it brings. Focusing on positive experiences really is the best medicine in my book. No matter those negative ones to which we have no control, we can always create positive ones within the sphere of our control. That's my plan tomorrow with the little one. He only had his first unsupervised visit today and no doubt having trouble processing. I'll take him for a walk in the bush which I know he loves + also given him a dip in the bath with a few bubbles and a duck! It's hard to find words and even then he's only 3 with ASD and sadly now having a few more of those episodes I linked a some space back in this here thread. BUT ... like I said ... just have to focus on creating those experiences that bring about smiles, healing and peace - at least as best as can be had.

That introduction actually makes quite a lot of sense on how and why we tend to cling to our pain. If I were to focus on a strength based perspective I would do well to foster those traits in both my grandson and I that allow us to adapt so well. There's a good chance that we shall grow out of those predispositions if we keep up with what we know works so well.

Sigh ... Did some running - chi trotting more like it. Racked my brain with more flute tab and of course searching on some books and making that above vid. I think is enough.

I call it quits, hit the sack and see if I can make some kind of intergalactic trip.

Maybe post that book in the depression section fist.

Until next post ... Night night ... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

One last entry ... have no idea ... but going to bed with this one. I figured the white coat perspective needed balancing. :)

See what happens : )


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=get7A_JIDUU

[Ponder]

I actually lasted longer than I thought I would taking that in as I drifted off to sleep. The whole thing about soul mates and the gender focus I find as limiting as our human bodies. Ihmo (which is always open to change) - My time here and thus experience and perspective has shown me that if we wish to fine tune our bodies like antennas to better transmit and receive; we need to get past this monogamous existence and expand our perceptions beyond our current understanding of gender base relations. Other aspects to this presentations that sounded off pitch for me, was the focus on manifestation as it relations to the 'LAW' of Attraction where today self -ish Intents plague our society in as much as people caught up in the marketing and entertaining of romance and likewise drama related 24/7 moments. So it is those blissful notions of soul mates and gender based relations combined with manifesting one's desires misses the mark for me. The latter has it's place in my book, however the context for me is not aligned as presented here; minus the bliss, romance and drama.

What did resonate for me was pretty much everything else. (I think as I did fall to sleep) Although I will have to watch this again as this deserves much more attention than me listening to it in my bed. Emotion surely does seem to play a big part and I learned a lot more about the role of the heart! I know I have suffered a LOT of brain damage due to a life long bout of clinical/Major Depression and a number of other certified mental instabilities. However I have adopted a lot of the concepts presented in this video to great effect at repairing and salvaging what it left. Belief is a powerful thing only if I allow it to change from one moment to the next according to how my inner world sits and feels with what's going on and or being said.

The whole thing with Bio Electric Fields is spot on for me. Whilst I don't play into the limiting romance and drama that sells books and plays to the limited parts of our hearts (a very short lived experience bound for suffering) I do believe the concept for attraction as well as 'repelling' speaks volumes as to how we are all so easily controlled ... as well as to the dynamics of healing. In fact there are many dynamics how this key aspect to our humanity can be used for both healing and suffering. Especially living is a world as toxic and counter intuitive to bodies so reliant/affected on and by electric fields. There seems to be more going against us in the way of technology, overpopulation, the amount and type of radiation emanating from both devices, people, and the planet.

Nevertheless, an understanding on how we tick and where our focus should really be is something for us all to self reflect in order to make sense of the chaos currently being lived out in this physical world where no matter one's reality/s; this being the realm where we all live and breathe. Perhaps this existence is no more than a school in which to learn how to adjust our antennas for places of higher existence - to learn the lessons derived from our current limited state of desires and shells.

[Ponder]

'AST - ACCEPTANCE STRESS THERAPY - How to Grow Under Stress!'

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJq8IovXFYQ

[Ponder]

Not liking Star Trek Discovery at all (I thought enterprise *&^$ed things up enough then this? Back flip like StarGate universe which did get better, but then like Battle Star Galactic which barely saved itself in the end.) Each to their of own of course. Just not my luck the last two times around.

I am looking forward to Game of Thrones whenever it's coming back on.

I post this one for a bit of motivation: I like the characters this guy plays. Seen a lot of him now:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SOg0l1wAsHo
________________________________

Edit → this is a good YouTube review (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3hghpXZGK8w&t=3s) on Star Trek Discovery with the ending I thought to be a fair observation. Good if your into that sort of thing. Not exactly the Star Fleet material I have come to know in Star Trek. [But then I am a cranky old bastard that does not like change. ... not that cranky ... really. :)

Hope it gets a little better like star gate universe did ... but then they axed that one all together after that.

[Ponder]

Today's Medication Regime is as follows:
1. This morning I took a run around the block.
2. Mid morning I will take a psycho solicitation ← Edit ... Socialization [helps to spell hey :) ) session
3. Lunch I take a Psyco Therapy session
4. & 6 hours before bed I will take another run around the block

Side Effects ... Good Health & Nothing a good stretch can't fix.
____________________________________


Additional Meditations to follow. :)

[Ponder]

If you want to take meds, then take them. If you don't then don't. Whatever you do ... YOU be the judge of what it is that you want to do. I'm throwing that one out there because there are a lot of people who prescribe to methods that work for them, but then go around telling others that they should be doing the same as them. Alcohol and Drugs are on top of that list with medication on par with that followed with eating processed foods and or junk. Living clean is the radical way of living these days counter to the claims of industrialized health fads and all that. Spiritualism is pretty much the same.

If I have something to say about my radical take on dealing with my baggage I pretty much keep it in here because I know going elsewhere to tell others they "should" take my meds is like pissing in the wind. Whatever works right. You know if it's working or not ... taking something you no is not right is also pissing in the wind. lol That's why for me I no longer take meds. I know for me ... their use required upping the dose which in turn meant I needed more meds to counter exasperation of current and new conditions ... again pissing in the wind. If I was not pissing in the wind, I was just kidding myself ... hence telling others just like me, what they should or should not!!! ... yadda yadda ... you get the drift.

Sigh ... Just got back from an intense cycle ride. Sadly I buckled my wheel slightly going full speed down a main road then suddenly off track through a wet paddock onto a dirt track which made for both a short cut and scenic ride. Just as well it's only a $20.00 Bike :)

I don't fucking know ... I just pretend I do. I've been Med Free for nearly 3 Years Now! :) ... and I'm doing pretty damn good. I still struggle ... but that's life. I feel way better than when I was on prescribed meds. The fact is a LOT of people are living with Anxiety and Depression and remain medication free. It really comes down to what you want. Sometimes they work and other times they don't, yet for others it's all their able to fathom as their capacity to know the difference is predispositioned to being our of sync. Unless of course one is able to go through the trauma of detoxing - off- the meds and implementing the lifestyle required to know what healthy living really is. Then of course a huge education ... almost like rocket science to live naturally in an unnatural world designed to have us all chemically dependent.

Fact is WE don't need medication to overcome these self manufactured conditions. WE? Who the fuck is WE? What's good for the goose is good for the Ganda. If your looking to take control of your life and sick of tacking fucking medication and listening to others preaching and telling you what you should or should not do ... then start making decisions for yourself. Try something else. Obviously if they are working, then you would not be so fearful of taking them ... right? If there doing what their suppose to be doing, then I guess there is no need to fear em. Just don't go about begging the question inviting others who solely rely on them to make decisions that you ought to be making. IN a heart beat just like any Junky hooked on whatever, you can be sure they will tell you, you NEED them!
__________________________

_____
Moving On. What's next? I have not eaten MEAT for months (and several before that!) and seem to be doing alright? Yet another BS Myth. Seriously ... you got to try things for yourself. It really is liberating. Alas ... the world is shit. I'm better it matters not how fucking clean you live and how intentionally pure you wish to be ... the world will still lob up a pile of shit on your front door from time to time. It's just that we are taught to take the quick fix ... whatever the fuck that be for you, me that guy and gall next door. The more dependent you become on passing up challenges the more disable we be. Although not everything need be a challenge. That clinical message is getting old down at the centre ... although I can still see merit in it's origin.

Hmmmmm ....

I've learned 6 phases of 10 ... or a number of bars withing on long breath for 6 long breaths on my flute. Looking forward to sharing that mediation breathing exercise. Is pretty cool how I am learning a tune at the same time.

OH YEA ... I discovered the Music Group was not for me.
That's a story in itself ... I go make a cuppa, have a shower and settle down for that one.

First though ... you got to take all that other shit I said with a grain of salt. Fact is I am regarded well enough with plenty of likewise peers who take meds and I respect them as much as I claim they of me. The take home message is just make your own decisions as well as don't kid yourself. I'm all for whatever works ... but I'm not for prescribing meds in forums like these. You would do better to self diagnose with Google as opposed to using forums like these; not to mention the doctors themselves are just as bias. ... trial whatever yourself and you be the judge. Sadly ... unless you detox, you'll never know whats really affecting what and thus what's ailing, what's working and what's not. How bad you do you really want to know?
_____________________

I'm betting once I am done with the shower, I may not be back. It's been a good couple of days off the net though. Sigh ... Emptying the head to a point no body knows or one in which I relly care less what others think. :) If you want motivation to go med free ... keep watching this space. No need to reciprocate. I know people can read.

Adios until next post.

Perhaps I look like I should take meds ... but happy I can goof around without them:

Don't BS a Bullshitter ... If I had my other hand free, I would sick it in my other ear and poke out me tongue. : )
https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4454/37789371261_3352058ef9_b.jpg

Whatever the fuck works ... This works for me! Sadly people prefer us to be anxious and depressed ... else they wonder what the fuck we are on. lmao @ that one. NOTHING ... but Oh How they want to either tell my I should or rather make it a prerequisite that I must. Compliance is such a BS term ... active in recovery without chemical stimulants ... "OH He is one of those ... right ???????" Stigma used to be having mental illness ... now it's being med free. Is OK ... SHHHH ... just keep reading. I'll keep journaling what works for me ...until such a time ... it all clicks and this little fairy really does end up free.

... and you thought you had problems ... lol

Back soon enough.

[Ponder]

Speaking of music I would do well to play some. So here's the thing. My choice of music is not main stream enough to fit in with your average get-together jamming crowed down at your local head case centre. I went twice and twice it just did not feel right. Other than skipping the chorus like an atypical dyslexic reading text that had about as much appeal for a vegan reading a meat eaters menu, so it was for I, as I attempted to follow the chords and lyrics up and down the pages to be followed as we all played and did our thing.

The first week I used an egg shaker then did some guitar. I did not attend but for the last 20 minutes due to the extreme and eradic noise. This time I started with guitar but then resorted to the egg shaker which I put aside due to a few contorted looks at the suggestion to even make it an event. I copped a few looks earlier as to missing the words but was encouraged to keep playing a beat. I was like ... "is all good ... this remind my of church and how I struggle with what words where to be sung next ... bla bla and dyslexia and so on and on ... all good" Fact was it was not. The whole praise and worship mentality came flooding back. That mentality is not something easily understood by those not accustomed to extreme radical practices back in a day where such was not the fad it's so clearly become today. Long story short ... I began to realise - no wonder I don't like music that's accompanied by lyrics of any kind. So affected by the 'charismatic fellowship mentality' that I can no longer stand 'any' gathering that banters like so. Long story short ... the facilitators wanted to know "what can we do about that Dave?" "Nothing" I replied. I'm into a different angle with music is all. Your method is not something that works for all. What works for me ... once again ... is not so readily available by way of groups. Seems to be a regular pattern with me. Main Streaming no longer cuts it for me.

SO ... what to do. Groups attendance need not always be the thing when it comes to music and healing. I've been doing more than enough groups to get my fill and now that I think about it, I may do well to try something else. I'm starting to wonder if hanging full time at the mental health centre is as limiting as say continually hanging in a place like this? Hmmmmmm - I've been warned before by another who suggested that hanging in a room with a label on the door can be a setback in itself ... although I would reason that depends on how rigid is in the way they look. Not sure I see Anxiety of the door when I come to this place ... At the moment and up till now ... I see that I have been accepted as is. The latter being a very VERY positive enabling and welcoming attribute that's made this place work for me. Touch wood is continues to last. No matter if not. All good things come to an end. In fact part of my purpose is in learning to deal with just that.

So ... The flute and I will remain solitude friends. I'd love to have others to play with and or share the joy and discovery of just how easy it is to play. Sadly there are no flute circles here and the ones I have found near are hundreds of kms away and use a church based language with terms like "fellowship, Christmas, Lord and so on" which is completely the opposite of why I play.

I think the difficulty is that with many of the alternative methods that are making head way in this otherwise counter productive mainstream degenerate self perpetuating revolving door clinical models ... is that they are pretty much privatized and caught up an economical model that is as limited to that of the clinical. Until such a time where more of us that can not afford to access these communal fads that look more like well being, well to do spiritualists types that are a cut above our mere status and or means ... we will in all likelihood never evolve as a collective ... but for ever remain separate as seems to be the driving force of our societies way. Unless of course we are content to find our own way. Can We ... So often we are told that we do not have the power unless we get if from someone else. Hmmm ... I'm in two minds about that. We do in fact have the power within, but then I am at that point I am now looking for others who think like me. I don't think it's going to happen in this forum or even down at the head center where I have been going. Yet ... there is a sense of unraveling in caring less and just reverting back to my ways of old ... in regards to just being as is ... being kind and compassionate to self. Alas ... back to the real purpose of journaling point blank.

Hmmmm ... cool ... sounds good enough. Life is too short, yet still long. Guess it depends on where one looks.

OK ... time to watch a vid that a friend linked to me.

Adios Until next post.

[Ponder]

Looks like a good watch - short and straight to the point. The Text to speech a bit much for some (My friend complained ... lol) but is actaully right down my alley! :)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PUZ73HqugYg&index=24&list=PLU7uB3u-JFwvFmGVFkyCgBvyXVtL0vTbl&t=19s

Man ... My natural Therapy is Kicking IN ... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Here's to a good nights rest, a killer morning stretch and then out the door for a relaxing trot OR meditative walk; up to my body to decide. ... Night night ---http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleep.gif

[Ponder]

Vlog Entry ... Flute Therapy + the Usual Ramble:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWJFUl4mfSI&feature=youtu.be

[Ponder]

I've been making some good gains of late with respect to my spiritual seekings however as indicated recently in this thread and vlog update I am struggling with the focus a lot of people are putting into the so call sexual energy aspect of their spirituality. I guess the conflict I have come to first in this regard is the identity crisis that comes with either being Male or Female. I came across the following which makes a lot of sense to me:

Eckhart Tolle. Spirituality, gender, sexuality, lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, non binary. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9s0DBFnJS2I)

That deals more with the gender side of things ... I wanted to hear more about what I consider to be a limitation when it comes to our body's desire for Sex as it relates to spiritual growth. The following kind of spelled out just how I have been feeling on the issue then the closing statement was kind of like hitting the nail on the head as to how in our western culture we are so enslaved to the extent we go to satisfy our egos:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BK4oD61g9Rg

Take it or leave it. I still struggle with the body big time myself, but I'm reaching a point I am just over being a slave to it. In fact ... this video made me think just how much I can become a slave to eating clean and or the vigilance I at times catch myself putting into my routine. None the less there is a balance to that in the way of discipline that's more healthy than not.

I'm just on a mission at the moment to demystify the importance of sex as it relates to spiritual growth. The more I look into it, the more I can see it's just yet another limiting factor to be overcome like all other things ego related. It's all in the vid. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Night Night ... Sweet Dreams. In fact my dreams have been leading me to much of these topics of late.

[Ponder]

Nothing to report ... Just wanted say to anyone reading: "I wish you well :) "
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Actually ... after claiming I was going to clean up my eating act ... I had a blow day with food. BUT that's OK. Blow Outs are perfectly acceptable in my book. Just don't ask me when it's going to be published. LOL ... It's an eternal production living itself out in the here and now. At least whilst your reading this.

Night Night ... no rush tomorrow http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/waking-up.gif

[Ponder]

No wonder my family was hung up on SEX: My brother often told me how he always felt guilty (RIP Bro ... not that he can hear me?) because he could not look at women without lust. Most of my family could not use the internet which is not uncommon for many Christian folk who struggle with Desire on daily basis. I too was often conflicted with what generally felt natural to me (if not for mummy and the text they had me read) although I did not seem as hung up on the thinking about it compared to those more devout than myself. Then again, I was pretty devout ... just not as brainwashed ... I was always asking so many damn questions; more than my christian family could bare.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCK2cXduvRg

Alas ... the same fallibility is in secular society ... or at least why soft porn is the rage with most entertainment these days. Whilst I acknowledge my own dark shadow, it's not hard to see that which has been passed on is now commonly projected where most people think sex will solve their answers like a chocolate cake solves depression. OR if your having trouble crossing into the 5th dimension ... one moment please ... dial a soul mate ... wank wank and I'm ready to cross!

As you can tell ... not much happening today. :)

Finished watching the last ep of start trek voyager. Shame about discovery. Will just have to keep the entertainment going on in here.

Hmmmm More frustrated with all facets of society that typically promote and sell likewise desires so cheap. Two sides of the coin ... Religion and Secular ... Taboo and can't not enough! They feed each other well and the result is Planet Earth 2017. I see no so called 'Shift' in sight. Not unless your saving up all that sexual energy? That's one for the puritans to contemplate. Don't look now ... You just missed your flame. Best dial up again and see how much for the next one.

[Ponder]

I guess I best balance things out a little - Going to bed with this one:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UwZEnCOhSdM

[Ponder]

75.7KG - Failed Starts. I've had a few of those this time around as the season progresses from one to the next. Time to jump back on the scales. 75.7kg. Going by how I feel my optimal weight is around 72kg without any weight training or intense exercise of any kind. I was just doing it with food, relaxation and walking. As for BMI I have found that to misleading. If I was to drop my weight down to the supposed recorded BMI I would have to go all the way down to 59kg which would be paper thin for me. Whilst I am only 168cm 5.5 ... My bone density is comparatively thick compared to the average folk. I'll put that down to genetics, outdoor living and an easier life as a heavy laborer. Of course my bone density could take a dive if I stayed indoors and kept eating that fake food they sell at the supermarkets, driver-throughs and in the malls + lived an inactive life. I might want to give up the exercise, however becoming inactive is not an option.

Of course I don't want to fall into the trap of just saying "I'm a thick bones person!" That excuse is quite laughable to me. Heard it too many times from people who seriously need to lose weight. I'll put down my goal weight for 69kg. Once again - LMFAO @ 59KG being my 'optimal' wieght according to the so called professionals that everyone says to go and see. Seriously 69kg is going to make my family start calling my Anna! hahahaha short for Anorexia. I was 69kg then. I felt pretty good! Sustaining it though was pretty tough. In order to reach what the professionals say for BMI ... I would have to lose a further TEN KILOS from 69kg where I was called Anaa ... to reach 59kg. At that weight getting out of bed to go for a piss would have me exhausted let alone trying to get through the most basic of my daily routine.

So it is you can't take these BMI recommendations to heart. At any rate, let's see how I go trying to get back down to 69kgs. I'll let you know if the family resorts to calling me Anna. I'll let you know how I actually feel and if I am confident in sustaining it.

Sounds like a plan. Something new to rave on and blog about.





https://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/t/wxuXUyt/weight.png

[Ponder]

Saw my therapist today and told her I'm giving up the whole 'integration thing' with attending the local mental health groups. Sick of trying to fit in. It's wearing me down. The social aspect is helpful, however the air of expectation to social challenges based on their guidelines is not only limiting but long term ... starts to feel oppressive. The clinical upgrade they recently had is really starting to weigh many of the clients down. Others are talking about going to less groups. The whole saga with music group (which should really just be called a Jam Session) reminded me just how much people are really like sheep. Everyone just following the words. So it is I brought these points up today and many more in the therapy session and decided it was time to give that place the flick. Might go back another time ... but not any time soon.

I do like the Mentor program I am 'back' on. That's more of a personal affair not hemmed in with having to account for the wider group.

Keeping my weight on track is still something of a priority, but I have to admit ... I think I need a break from being a 'try hard.' I have no doubt I will naturally fall back into my 'recovery/survival' mode ... but when I do it without having to feel as though I need to please the system ... then I will be more successful. Yep ... Time for a break for sure!!! No plans for self betterment and or fine tuning myself on any level. Fuck It!

Phew ... I feel much better already.
__________________________________________________ ____

I guess that counts as being kind to myself. What's next ... ???

How about being kind to others? Yea ... Helping my wife with a new project. Remember how we started up and still have that charity running to help people at risk of homelessness by advocating for them in matters of tenancy issues? Well my wife is getting involved in a new scheme to assist women in domestic violence. Seems to be more groups popping up taking matters into their own hands. The only thing I don't like about such groups is when the government starts controlling them. At them moment I am once again doing trailer runs but this time opening up my shed to assist with furniture for those that qualify for emergency housing. We did some laundry for another group which also provides clothes:

You know me ... always looking for a photo opp :)
https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4504/37621033110_10b5ee9bfd_b.jpg (https://www.flickr.com/photos/71988794@N08/37878328931/sizes/h/)

It's one thing to do loving and kindness meditation and send good vibes, then another to do something a little more tangible. As long as I don't have to deal with too many self righteous donators asking "Now are you sure it's going to the right person?" My wife deals much better with those types than do I. Grrrrrrrrrrr. I just hitch the trailer and do the loading and unloading. :)

Nothing else to report.

Night Night ... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zz

[Ponder]

Vlog - I installed 3 Indie Games. Proteus, FugI & a Autumn. All relaxation Zen like Games. I meant to upload earlier Barong but fell to sleep. %am my time now ... I was up a bit late and had a huge day yesterday doing some charity work. Going Back to lay down for a bit. Once I sort out my morning routine I'll be looking forward to start getting more familiar with these games. I'll for sure end up trying my hand of the Darker Indie Games later on down the track like INSIDE and the like. It's good to have some games where the purpose is not to really have any other then just enjoy the experience as I perceive.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8SmZO5hwcUM&feature=youtu.be

[Ponder]

To keep things balanced I took out my tier 9 heavy tank and devastated the playing filed! :)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sRNjo88Sejg&feature=youtu.be

[martin05]

Cool vlog. Reminds me of how I used to play games as a kid. I'd do the missions for a bit, but would then get a kick out of just wandering around.

[Ponder]

Hi Martin. :) Yea ... Guild Wars was very much like that for me. I have reinstalled it. Just waiting for a friend of mine to get computer back and install it himself. I often wandered off in that game. It was partly why I selected Ranger and Beastmaster as my Char.

Great to see you back in the forum. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/yes/yes-fist-pump-smiley-emoticon.gif

Note to self. Just finished up doing a collab on youtube with the infamous ← just kidding : ) Barong Baj Baj who has an awesome youtube channel! (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCLpN6BgYPi129yaPXa5G7rQ) It's good to see a few people now outreaching using youtube. WonderBro (https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=WonderBro) is another forum user who has a channel on Mental Health as well.

For now I just wanted to make a note for myself as I have such a failing memory these days.

I would like to expand in my own channel and perhaps in here about my brothers Passive Suicide. It was a topic that came up in Barong's video we just finished. What is passive suicide? Good Question! I also would like to expand more on what drove my brother to such a mindset and ultimately his untimely death. More over why I beleive he gave up like so and was unable to break out of his drug induced psychosis. To be fair ... I always refer to the later more as religiously induced but lately coming to see it even more universally byproduct of our "imperfect system" to borrow a terms many clinical professionals are so quick to infer.

I am thankful to Barong (Thx Barong!) for inviting me to talk on his channel. I'm just now thinking to make a few notes to come up with a bit more content for myself. Once again, I will link to that youtube vid once the editing and uploading is done.

I think more later when I have time on this issue of Passive Suicide as I beleive is very much a major issue in our current times.

Adios ... until next post.

[Ponder]

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking:
Possibly not the best time to make an entry, however I have a video rendering in the background that I wish to upload tonight whilst sleeping so will pass the time with a little rambling. I might put off the side note above and recommend a book I am listening to at the moment which offers a lot of psychological insights into the area of Introverts and Extroverts. I would do well to upload chapter one however run the risk of the copy right police jumping down my throat! Sigh. That kind of thing frustrate me a lot. More so people that threaten others for sharing like so.

Anyways here is the book on Amazon:
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking (https://www.amazon.com.au/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking-ebook/dp/B004J4WNL2)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=74kBqeq__OQ
The video above has more episode available on this topic. (Mostly quotes from the book the relative notes to presenters experinace) Be sure to look on the you tube side bar to the more eps.

I've been assimilation Chapter One via an Audio Book version. This time not text to speech but a professional reader. I actually like the tone of the reader who reminds me of another audio book I own. A very gentle and soft speaker.

The main thing I remind myself as this book unfolds is to remind myself that one can be anywhere on the spectrum between Introvert and Extrovert and NOT to box oneself in via labeling one self either way. It's not that simple. It really pays to remain open whilst digesting this book. Doing so enable one to take so much more in. What really stood out in this book for me is the how society props up extroverted behavior and why is does. In contrasts to that it also highlights how society frowns upon the introvert. One comment that I found aligned with my thinking on amazon was that book is really beneficial for highly sensitive people.

I actually see other elements that fit into the context of the messages that come to light that again remind me NOT to get too hung up on being either introvert or extrovert. Thankfully this is talked about in the book. People tent to CLING to one of the other as we typically do to any label and in the doing of so we severely limit ourselves. Thankfully my insights from Echkart Tolle keep my mindful of such traps. Every book/author/Title has an agenda and at times can be easy for readers to lose themselves with tick and flick questions by way of answers that feed to ones desire/s of wishing to be a certain way. Again ... it can be such a grey area that requires mindfulness in order to reap the most from these kind of books.

I'm finding it an excellent read myself despite being somewhat and reaming somewhat skeptical. Only because we a so prone to box ourselves in with being one way or another. It saddens me when I see it happening so often in forums like these. Many books add to this problem by not reiterating the need to be mindful when listening as too most of the labeling systems being more a spectral indicator as opposed to absolute categorizations. I for one take on many forms of both Introvert and Extrovert and that affect is influence not only by genes, but also past experience as well as environment and ongoing experiences. It's an ever evolving state of being which plays into other elements/ dynamics of behavioral and social events that expend into further fields of the psyche.
_________________________________________

Played some more World Of Tanks (Pc Game) today and met a 60+ yld who lives on a boat in the US Florida. Not everyday I platoon with people so readily to jump on their mics and have a chat. Sadly having trouble rending that episode ... I will try one more time.

[Ponder]

Here’s that video where I make a new online friend whilst gaming. I was already recording a game whilst in the process I was requested to join a platoon where the other player and I started chatting over the mic. I would of shortened the video however struggling with my editing program therefore had to upload the file in its entirety.

The gentleman later questions why more people don’t speak on the mic. Having ready a little about introverts and extraverts I reason that it’s most likely because we have more introverts these days. I then realized I was boxing people in and missed a few points the book makes about introverts actually being skilled at social interaction. It’s just that they prefer to spend a lot of that energy towards only a few close friends and family. I’m only human and often fall into the conditioned way of thinking. It’s a full time job catching myself out and or looking to think before I speak which falls back into the category of introverts. LOL … again … it’s all spectral … a scale where one can fall in both camps with varying degrees of skill sets, predispositions and or abilities.

It’s not until after the second game that we chat more on how old we are and why not so many people are using mics. Was cool to meet a 63 told gamer playing from his yacht. Defiantly on my friends list. : )


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f62_4Tuxeh8&feature=youtu.be

[Ponder]

Chapter 2 of that book really exposes the Tony Robins Syndrome. 10/10 for that.

[Ponder]

Latest train of thought: The misconception of low vibrational states of being – BEING – projected onto introverted personalities – OR – High Vibrational states of being - BENING - liken to seekers typically smooshed in a crowed like mentality soaking up the teachings of motivational gurus that claim not to be gurus.

Time to go eat ... Just nail me as online eccentric. Apparently introverts love speaking out on the internet. - Apparently ? http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/red-neck-laughing-smiley-emoticon.gif

[Ponder]

Passive Suicide! More of us are living this way than we care to know.

Introductory thoughts:

Will there ever come a time where there is nothing left to say or the need to express is much less than one's will to get through each passing day? That interview I did with Barong has raised more questions than the answers I was able to give within such a short amount of time. It's also more difficult to come up with words directly on a mic than compared to the ease I find when sitting behind a keyboard with only my own thoughts. It's true there is a deepness within me that cares little for stroking the cat or playing the game in order to grab anothers attention or making myself more appealing in the hopes of reaching more people. That said I do have a desire to help others. I think we all do to some degree.

I'm feeling it's time to start writing from the heart once again.
__________________________________________________ ___________________________

"I'm going to die before you." were my brothers prophetic words that I will never forget. I remember then crystal clear as if it was yesterday. It was the only affirmation I had heard my brother make. I'm not sure if I captured that moment just right in the interview with Barong, but I do remembering pausing all over again when I spoke about passive suicide during that discussion. "I'm going to die before you." No exclamation mark, just heart felt words that I somehow believed myself. I could only match my brothers gaze with as much empathy I knew he had, which was as much as my own; more than enough to want other like ourselves free of such pain.

Sadly he died only a few year later whilst I was positing in this forum. I was already having a hard time of it and still in my own infancy of recovery journaling like I am still doing now. Hard and complex cases we be. Long story short he was found face down on his lounge room floor, huddled and with rigor mortis well and truly set in. He died alone at age 43 in government housing with his front door wide open. I don't think he ever got past age 9, 10 , 11 and so on. In many ways I can say much the same for me. We were close brothers despite the family always trying to separate us. Despite having different fathers which we did not know although suspected ... we spoke with identical inflection. That how I know - how much empathy my brother had. The problem was an inability to handle our own emotions.

My brother always strove to be something other than himself. Whilst I often attribute much of that 'need' to the fallibility of the church, I can see just as much pressure coming from secular ideals as well. But for now let's just say his hard core addictions helped to soften the pain of constant rejection of never finding satisfaction, contentment in many of the mile stones he had in fact reached. The church and those in it did never accepted him for who he was and thus he prayed in silence with his drugs. He did so right up till a point he knew was coming when he so affirmed to me that he would surely die before me. He knew what was coming. I feel he was not so much frightened as he was saddened. I actually felt pretty much the same way, although would rather he had affirmed something else.

Alas ... it really was no surprise when I was informed of his death. The funeral was a messy affair and I no longer have a mother like I was did although she is still living. I also lost a sister as well. Fact is I really only ever had my brother when it came to family ties. He was the only one that accepted me despite having "turned my back on God" is it was termed. I knew it was coming and tried to warn the family but they pretend he was a good christian boy. The refused to acknowledge his pain for what it really was. That said, so did he in the end ... although I don't feel he really knew as we was so brainwashed from my point of view.

The reason I 'went on' and he did not, is that I tuned into myself rather than looking outside myself; where as my brother was stuck in an abyss. I felt I had more hope within compared to the futile effort of staring into an external void that never responds. It was actually not long after he was having conversations with his heater talking to mosses and other biblical characters that he was DXed with drug induced schizophrenia (societal byproduct more like it) and then he died from a cocktail of drugs. A cocktail he had been mixing most of his short life.
__________________________________________________ _____________

I wonder is it any different eating the way we do, taking the meds we do, knowing full well that we are in fact slowly killing ourselves? Self medicating with the a culturally accepted stamp of approval in order that we may soften our pain ... many of us taking psychotropics just so we can sleep. Taking a variety of pills in order to fit in where otherwise we could not. My view point is that a larger part of society is passively setting about for an early death. We put our blinkers on so as not to see all the morbidly obese kids, the rise in defective ones at that and then the droves having heart attacks from ages 20 to 40 with 50's now being catered for like geriatrics. In terms of population this is the norm. All those well to do and so called privileged types running about following their gurus and dreams are but skin deep when it comes to the reality of how many under them are being smothered with such ideals.

Passive suicide is very deceptive and we live in a deceptive world. I'll give my brother one thing ... he at least had the balls to tell me how he felt. I only wish I could of done more for him ... but each of us can only make the hard core choices for ourselves. I did try to explain my insights as small as they were back then, but he was deeply intent on solving things the way only he could. He is now dead. I only hope that there is no reset or coming back, however if indeed there is ... I hope he has a better run this next time round!
__________________________________________________ ____________

So that's passive suicide from my perspective. Someone that's had a rope around his neck more than a few times!!! Next question ... What keeps me going?

I attempt that a little later on.

Night Night. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleep.gif

[Ponder]

Did a couple of runs to build up the furniture collection intended to for people who have nothing. Just have a few single beds, small tables, kids clothes, toys, linen and kitchen gear thus far. Hoping to pull in a few queen sized beds, dinning tables in the next couple of pick ups. It's keeping me busy and is a good feeling helping others who you know are truly in need. We don't get to see the people, but know they have been screened as people on the spectrum of homelessness. That's good enough for me.

Hoping very much to fill the shed with enough to fill two houses with every conceivable item that fits their needs. Other people on the volunteer list handle things like schooling, emergency food and hygienic packages. The whole focus is on on families exiting domestic violence. Basically this is what I am now doing when not online. We are the first point of call for are area. Others across the country are starting to get on board as well. The PEERHAPS project did not go in the direction I was hoping but is still going strong in the hands of my wife. This new project we are doing is more suited to my skills. Is good to have purpose once again.

In short ... it's now part of what keeps me going. :)

https://image.ibb.co/cPtuy6/Furniture_for_those_with_nothing_blog.jpg (https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4488/37950593656_cf9fc1524c_o.jpg)

[Ponder]

I've not so much been suffering from Anxiety as I have been from eating wheat! In fact most of anxiety today is caused from from the way we eat, NOISE pollution, lack of sleep right down to the way in which we absorb information and the amount of it used to influence us in all that we choose to do. But not to worry:

The key in that is knowing where I'm failing and that's been by current weakness for wheat based foods as well as various other forms of processed quick fixes. I've even resorted to taking supplements thinking that'll help curb my personal issues. Problem with the latter I have not really been consistent with and also by allowing the inclusion of fake foods that only bloat me and set of a chemical reaction that's pretty much the same as sugar ... well ... I've been pissing in the wind yet again. Time to call a spade a spade and start putting in the effort where it counts. If I'm going to dig a hole as least dig one where I can then shove in all my short comings, cap it off and enjoy the fruits as is typically what comes next. Sadly the price of bananas has gone up yet again. Doh!

I've been through a bit of a lull actually. Is good to admit it. Is like taking a deep breath to create the space for what's ahead. I've been getting a little more self conscience of late on my walks and or feeling closed in as others either pass or approach. Is all in my mind, this I know. Best way to tackle that has been write up this as I just did and now go put one foot in front of the other and call it a day done.
__________________________________________________ ___________


Notice it - Name it - Alter it. NNA A few times I have mentioned that technique. A very quick strategy to overcoming obstacles that gets in ones way. A form of mindfulness if you will. Catching triggers and reactions as they happen in order to become more proactive in the moment. With a little practice you begin to Notice triggers and events which you then give Name appropriate to your own understanding of such taking place. Noticing and Naming these hurdles allows one to Alter the situation in a way that lets you move on without all the drama we are so used to creating and clinging to. It helps to break negative cycles and or stops new ones from forming whilst developing healthier coping strategies.


I'll be back ... no doubting that. As this here space be my self made digital mojo that also keeps me going. To be fair it can also be a place where many of us get into a rut with negative thinking patterns. ← SEE ... what I did just then was Notice something else that I have been doing from time to time and or of late. Naming it would be something like ... hmmmm ... Bitching and Whinnying ... to alter it is something I feel just happens naturally as a result of learning the process to Noticing and Naming. Once you start fostering a desire, Alterations in the form of positive pathways seem to take place naturally through the realization of just how simple and effective this process really be ... it's all in the process and in the doing; the practicing.

Hope some of that makes sense ... Just remember NNA ... Notice it, Name it, then Alter it. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/happy/thumbs-up.gif

Until then ... chin up.

I'll take my camera and bring back a snap. ;)

[Ponder]

Who Left The Door Open? What can I say ..."I was born in a tent."

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4468/38026355611_2910a7bd66_o.jpg

Need to make more time for this kind of "look out" Was a very enjoyable bike ride. The new table makes setting and packing up a lot easier. Scored it for less than 15 US on Ebay. Well worth it.

[Ponder]

Sometime after making the above post and later in the day I realized I left my damn sunglasses down on the rocks whilst taking the below photo. Long Sigh!
Will have to pick up some cheap ones for those times of the day it gets real bright as well as cycling and walking into the sun. Ya live and Ya learn ... or not:

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4443/26259405879_32ab8243d0_o.jpg (https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4481/37326807304_48b264146c_o.jpg)

I'm really drained of late. Diet is still off track. Not sure why I am feeling so down. I guess it's the creeping affect of letting myself go. Just can't find that spot in which I typically launch myself into another good round. Like finding the sweet spot on the rim of a singing bowl and holding for several rounds. Here's hoping tomorrow helps me find that spot. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[martin05]

My brother always strove to be something other than himself. Whilst I often attribute much of that 'need' to the fallibility of the church,

The church is as bad as the harshest of advertising in that respect. It convinces you your natural human behaviours are immoral, then offers the solution, forgiveness (as long as you keep coming every week to receive it). I'm amazed people still believe the church is a force for good.

Anyway... I'm actually a tad envious looking at you out there on your bike. Somebody stole mine a few weeks ago. The world kind of feels that bit smaller without wheels! Getting back into running though, which makes a nice change.

Hope you find better rhythm today/tomorrow.

[Ponder]

Excellent analogy Martin. Many forms of relgion play to such a tune. Mass control at its finest. The issue extends beyond the church into cultural society on all fronts. Just got off the phone with a mate talking about the stigma and cycle of debt. I uploaded part of that conversation ... see below in the vid.

The backdrop is low resolution to make the upload smaller. The game is mine craft style and quite relaxing to play.

Just a practice run of recording phone calls with a good mate of mine. We have plans to start doing more talks on Mass Control, Prison Planet Theory, Consciousness and Matrix concepts.
Too many gurus out there with pristine audiences practicing to be something other themselves. The result is average people becoming reluctant to speak. These calls go along the of "Ask The Average Joe!"
Intended for another channel in the near future where we welcome anyone to either join in or email us topics.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tena6LGZor4&feature=youtu.be


Really srry to hear about your bike. Kind of makes me feel better about having a very cheap one. Hope your able to get mobile sooner than later.

I am feeling a little better today thank you. Mostly because I am eating lighter foods.

Pop in anytime Martin ... goes for anyone guys. Feed back welcome.

Actually Martin? ... you want to pick a topic of interest for my friend and I to discuss? Anything Mental Health related or anything that relates to our intended topic as listed in the youtube description. We could use a bit of encouragement. How about it? You got a topic for us in mind?

[Ponder]

Video Game Vlog ... 'The Talos Principle.' [Philosophical Puzzle Game] Hey Guys ... Had a good day! My son is home from South Korea with his partner and now staying at my place for about a week. After he found out I've been using steam games to do some of my Vlogs, he authorized me to use his library of games whilst he is offline That means I now have access to over 235 games. WooHooooo! Can't wait to try some games out before purchasing a few for myself. A good way to demo I guess but with full access.

I manage to upload a fairly decent render of The Talos Principle. It starts off missing a beat - My Bad as the saying go although for some reason I really don't feel that bad about. :P - I typically DO NOT edits my vids as 'I make a point' to just upload my vids:
as is! ... I'll think about it if I ever get serious about having a dedicated channel for the sake of getting more hits. I did make a good attempt with several rendors to respect the quality graphics this game was showing up on my laptop. The file size I chose for the upload really holds it back, however that said ... it's better than my usual allowance when it comes to my usual uploads.

Hmmm ... just checking it out now ... I think I will have to get my hands on Sony Vegas. Anyways check out this awesome game below as I work out the puzzles in an 10 minute dash to the temple where my journey ends, but really begins:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OVoVLqw824w&t=8s

Another Link:
http://www.devolverdigital.com/games/view/the-talos-principle
__________________________________________________ ______________

... and to top things off I also scored a wind chime from a Temple in South Korea:
Those bells ring for quite some time. :)
https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4444/38057342472_57224bbddc_o.jpg

[Ponder]

Looks like my son is staying for a while with his partner while they look for work and a place to live near by. I'm happy about that, however already finding it hard diet wise. I was struggling as it was, but now have decided to kind of give up trying to get back to supper clean. In fact ... I'm kind of letting go and will see where that leads. The lad and I did agree to work out together here at home ... but I have heard that one before. :)

Worst comes to worst ... I will have a brand new challenge all over again. I'm just hoping it won't be like losing 30kg all over again. *&^% that shit!

I need to ease up on the junk food though ... my body is breaking out with that crap. I know how easy it is to desensitize as well so watching out for that to be sure. That's the tipping point that leads to hell!

Night Night ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Some light-hearted fun! A video about Dad's Prune Juice.

Staring Dad, Son & Daughter. :)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7boRmOc7laM&feature=youtu.be

[Ponder]

I thought it might be a good idea to duplicate this post in my thread as the General Section does not tale long to push down posts not really meant for discussion. In the interest of those that would like to know more about me, you can do so at the following links where I did a collaboration with another AF forum member [ http://anxietyforum.net/forum/member.php?277598-Barong-Baj-BajBarong Baj Baj
] on his you-tube channel.
______________________

The following is a three part series of an interview between myself and Barong on his YouTube Mental Health Channel where Barong interviews various people who struggle, live with and come to make the most of living with mental illness. Many of the interviews (as is the case with the following) are done within a relaxing open world environment using various PC games. It's good to see more members using Youtube to share and help others. If your interested in taking part on Barongs or even my channel, please don't hesitate to PM us from within this forum. If you just want to hear other peoples stories from likewise peers, then sit back relax and check out the following vids and or check out Barongs Channel for more interesting and fun videos.


1. Getting to Know me a bit (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXKAH_S8cag&feature=youtu.be) https://image.ibb.co/im3qTG/Video_icon.png
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXKAH_S8cag&feature=youtu.be)
2. My mental health story (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rpOMaTEDOr8&feature=youtu.be) https://image.ibb.co/im3qTG/Video_icon.png (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rpOMaTEDOr8&feature=youtu.be)

3. Some positives going on in your life (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZGzOnn0LqfQ&feature=youtu.be) https://image.ibb.co/im3qTG/Video_icon.png (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZGzOnn0LqfQ&feature=youtu.be)


In order to promote this kind of outreach and encourage further participation, please like and subscribe. TY. :)

[martin05]

I wonder if this is a forum first, a video collaboration!

I'll have a watch now, seeing as I can't get to sleep and it's like 3am. Speaking of sleep, if you ever want to add a few tips to a video, anything that's worked for you, that'd be awesome. Poor sleep has been the bane of my life tbh.

[Ponder]

Noted. Sound like a topic to me. One that is often brought up in here. I'm kind of too tired to get started on that. LOL @ the irony. I do hope your able to recharge sooner than later. I kind of do too much or not enough. Balance is still very hard. This morning I did a round trip of 50 minutes of solid cycling with a 40 minute minute run at the half way point doing laps around the hockey oval. The day before I started a new resistance program on my back porch:

I made an animation so I would not forget my routine but forgot to include 2 exercises, which kind of validates the need to start recording what works for me. (below is sped up due to missing frames ... I'm big on going slow and correct form! Funnily enough I see people exercising like this at the gym) Do enough of this combined with cycling, walking, trotting and various other activities like outdoor exposure and what not ... you'll eventually sleep:
https://image.ibb.co/b04TFw/Exercise.gif
Hmmm ... Helps me at any rate. The trick is to be consistent and not go overboard. Of course there is a LOT more to the puzzle living in the complex world. I'm coming to see more and more now, that perhaps I'm not the hard and complex case I am made out to be, but that it's more a case of the world that complicates things that winds up those living in it to a point that leaves them out of sync.

Yea ... Is a good topic Martin. I see what I can throw together. Thanks for bringing it up.

Much appreciated.

Once again ... I hope this finds you well rested. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/yawning.gif

[Ponder]

Hey Martin ... Care to elaborate any more on how sleep has been difficult for you over the long term?

Your a reasonable active person if I have read some of your previous posts correctly? Worry can be a barrier to sleep big time. Trying to determine between the build up of worry over a period of time which no doubt adds to sleep interruptions Vs say Major Anxiety over a job interview & or traumatic event that's reliving in ones head are note worthy things when identifying barriers.

Generally speaking Sleeping is reported to be an issue for even the most stable of us. Sign of the times! Just overheard a news report about a watermelon farm that would not let their workers take time to drink water during their 3 hour stint of picking. ← Here in Australia! This resulted in one of the workers dying from heat stroke. Crazy that we have places that get away with such extreme rules in order to push people to their limits in order to get MORE out of them. What's more is that we often do it to ourselves as well.

There's a million things these days that get in the way of our sleep. If it's not others pushing us so hard or ourselves, it's generally the exposure to high energy surroundings with constant loud noise of the most unnatural kind and of course our toxic diets + our modern multitasking patterns of over thinking.

How to put all that into focus and come up with a few tips? Hmmmm

I guess the first place to start is to assess one's own predispositions with any or all of the above in mind.
__________________________________________________ _________________________________________

When in doubt - http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/spiritual/meditate-smiley-emoticon.gif

[Ponder]

Struggling a bit tonight ... My grandson is having more episodes with muscular tension around his eyes and headaches that have him in curled up in a ball and in tears for 15 minute bouts. Headaches are rare for kids his age. Getting him tested is going to be hard as his ASD tendencies are becoming quite strong. He is extremely touch sensitive! His first appointment with a private pediatrician is finally tomorrow. (Has seen a lot of doctors building up to that) As a grandparent there is much outside my control and it tears me apart to see my grandson in so much pain. I also fear for the stigma that awaits with regard to compulsory schooling + the unsupervised visits where he has already come back injured twice. Yes ... the whole family court saga and welfare risk assessment is still under investigation and requires much support from my wife and I. The systemic nature of it all reflects well the residual effect of our 'less than ideal' IDEALS. Rolls eyes ...


Looks like another long trip to a hospital with the right equipment once again. We all have to go as the little one who is the focus this time round needs his mother to be supported, and then my wife requires that I support her due to her illness ...
... then of course there is mine. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/happy/rolling-on-the-floor-laughing-smiley-emoticon.gif Who's going to support me? :)


Its fucking hard to endure all this. To see the little one in pain like that and then also see my daughter buckling under the pressure of it all. If it's not enough with her 3 year old having been beaten by the one who's now been given permission to have access, then on top of that she's been brow beaten by the courts. I thought the oppression would ease up once my kids left school but our society would see it that the suffering never ends for those that don't fit the mold. The drain on my wife could be worse, yet in many ways is just has hard to see her sapped like so. Thankfully my other kids are getting by well enough ... although under the illusion of work and white picket fence paving the way. That said ... I'm pleased the're not suffering in the same way as the little one, his mum and my wife and I. However I know all is not as smooth as may be perceived early on ... time will temper the truth as it must come for each of them.

For now though ... YEA ... Poor little 3 yold kid having massive head aches, little seizures and then under all that stress with the courts and high risk visitations.

How the fuck do I sleep?

Good question!
__________________________________

I seek to unplug ... My time is nearly done. Nearly 50 ... 49 come this February. Only 20 more years ... maybe less. :) At least soon I will have 50 notches on my belt. Each one like a death of sorts. A lifetime represented with each knot carved on my belt. I kind of wonder if my brother is reborn as my grandson.

My Brothers death was around the same time the little one was born. Imagine that ... passive suicide reborn into the more extreme autistic of the clan with painful seizures and a prolonged childhood under the stress of high risk visitations due to broken family ... systemic eternal deterioration on the principle of degradation as some kind of spiritual lesson? I would like to think not ... although there are many punishment systems of belief that would have us think / fear to such a way ... OR ... we perceive like so as part of our own distorted view from living a life of suffering and not yet learned.

Hmmm getting tired now ... like I said ... I think only 20 more years to go. Just 20 ... then maybe then ... I won't have the capacity to worry like so.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzz

Night night.

[Ponder]

This really made me stop and think:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d0Avfihg060&index=37&list=PLU7uB3u-JFwvFmGVFkyCgBvyXVtL0vTbl&t=1620s

A bit of an irony in the sense it almost makes me 'scared' to say 'I' at all. So without further ado → 'I' only got 1/3rd of the way through before falling asleep. hmmmm ... It's hard to to say the word I when utilizing a personal diary; public or not. I also question that one still requires space for self in order to clear out blockages that result this aspect of selfish desires, feeding the ego and likewise negative attention all focused on self.

BUT YEA! ... this resonates so much because I for sure fit this build as much as I have complained, bitched and moaned about whatever other than self. I guess I or 'one' (I now see how the term ''one' can fit the mold when wishing to avoid the false self - I/Ego) - [No, I don't really see a healthy ego]) should listen to the other two thirds of this video whilst out on my run.

It's very hard not to fear and not to project. I pay careful attention to this aspect with my children in mind. I am especially being very careful of this with my grandson ... BUT ... despite holding back words ... I guess the energy of fear says enough.

Not stuff I wish to hear ... but part of the process in order to get to the other side of learning how selfish the ego really is but more importantly; what love really is. How the monkey mind seems to resist when hearing the message on selfish living yet it makes a lot of sense when one considers the world/system/simulation in which we live. I can't help be feel - something has to give!..where 'Being & Giving' seem to be the take home message in above vid as opposed to doing and taking which be that world in which most of us live.


Love and Fear ... Consider learning this context it in the above vid. No pressure ... just sharing is all. :)




Righto ... time for my run. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/birds/chicken-run-smiley-emoticon.gif

[Ponder]

It was a good run with plenty of sweat. Enjoyed very much.

The only thing I would say did not sit quite well in the above presentation for me was Tom's claim that sometimes violence is required. I'm not sure someone who has truly suffered a violent upbringing would do well adopting violence. I don't think Gandhi used violence to whom he refers. At least not in the sense of fighting by means of inflicting pain back onto others. Reflection techniques no doubt reflect pain, but the use violence from those of us that have suffered and greatly affected with mental illness ... If such byproduct resorts to using violence as some kind of means to love ... well let's just say it will result in anything but love. As for the rest ... I found many insights from said talk.

[Ponder]

Random Vlog entry. Is good to keep throwing myself in front of the camera building on my confidence and give myself a pep talk! :)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ujK9Xo_4ypU&feature=youtu.be

Edit ... would not be right if I did not throw in an edit. I just noticed I have an reptilian eye effect happening throughout different periods of this video. Very weird but Interesting.

[debbie23]

I think exercise is absolutely fantastic. Doing Yoga plus my Mantra Magnets, which are these earrings you clip on that vibrate on your earlobes and reset your amygdala in stressful situations, have literally saved my life.

[martin05]

*And we're on air in 3... 2... 1...*

You look in good shape, despite letting yourself go. A lot of it's about getting that momentum really. Laws of physics and all that. Once you get in motion it's easier to continue.

I guess that's what's up with my sleep, just lots of bad momentum really. How long did it take you to get used to 9pm bed times?

[Ponder]

Hi Debbie ... Any chance you could share me a link to the magnetics that your using? Ear Rings are not my style but I would like to find out more about the magnets your are using.

lol Martin ... Yep yep ... Going through the motions at this stage, but momentum is building up and is feeling good. It's starting to stay with me in between each push. Momentum is motivation whilst motivation helps with momentum. Then there is of course ... Motion for emotion.

Hmmm 9m bedtime. Yea it's working real good. It did not lake me long because 9pm bed time was one of the first implementations of my life changing decisions when coming off meds. I'm used to it now. That said ... letting that bed time slip is one of the first weak spots in my routine that leads me to 'letting myself go'

Alas ... how did I first implament 9PM bedtime. hmmm ... with great difficulty. It was not easy. Learning about BLUE LIGHT SYNDROME was where I started

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/q-a-why-is-blue-light-before-bedtime-bad-for-sleep/

Damn ... I have to go ... will be back later to sort out the 9PM Bed Time riddle when I have time. Making Time is another tip ... but for now ... Learning about Blue Light Syndrome and how it messes with our sleep is a great place to start. It's where I started.
________________________

Thanks for the kind words Martin. Much appreciated.

3, 2, 1 ... Adios until next post. :)

[Ponder]

My turn to toss and turn. - An old image comes to mind after a weird and disturbing dream. The landscape changed many times from a world literally falling off the canvas like sand without structure to a man who fell of his motor bike in city traffic only to be squashed by the bus and all else lined up behind him. During the dream I was observing no less than an enthralled spectator to a production I knew nothing about the plot. I was not disturbed by the images until I started to come to at approximately half past two. I went to bed quite tired around 7:50pm and estimate I feel fast to sleep at 8:00pm.

Alas I now post the following image and come up with a new story once again.
________________________________


Yes I am redrawing some old stories here ... these kind take more than one go to dislodge.
_______

When did I first know the world was mentally ill?
Left to right then bellow → 1. Myself - a DSP recipient on Welfare Benefits for being mentally ill - [former street kid, male/gay prostitute, yadda yadda dregs/byproduct ... still living] 2. My Brother - [Tried to fit in but did not fit. Idealist Induced Schizophrenic now dead via passive suicide.] 3. my oldest son - [Prostituted his sitters, become an Ice addict that's not permitted to see his kid]

No it's not a curse - It's just one of numerous undesirable systemic stories in an 'imperfect' world.
https://image.ibb.co/cuMJnb/Devout.jpg
Originally and most recently a question was posed to me as "When did I first realize I was mentally ill?" I then answered by picking a point at which one foster family packed me up and sent me back to my mother under the illusion that I was only visiting. It was not until my mother explained that the family no longer wanted me combined with the fact nor did she, that things started to kick in that something must of been wrong with me. I was passed around from one family to the next until such a time I was living alone on the street. Fact is, I was a fairly resilient kid that did not take to violence and drugs in the way that many others did. That said I experience all those things hard core like I do with all I experience. It's true enough that my nature seems to be one that takes everything to the extreme. Such a trait has many cons, however also many pros. There was something in me quite powerful that protected me along the way. I used to beleive it was my 'Lord & Savior' hmmm or maybe the 'Holy Spirit?' It really did not matter because whatever you call it that connection always stayed.

PROTECTION I say? Judging by the left to right description one could hardly reason much protection ... where in my head could I fathom any form protection? I'll get to that. To be fair, that description is only the tip of the ice burg. It covers many facets of the byproduct that is rarely discussed. Most forums would shut down such expression, as too any idealist establishments, corporation and associated agents. Today's world is purely for main stream compliance that only spot lights prosperity and success. Hence everyone's desire to become the biggest and the best.


Some years later with another 3 kids and a second chance with another partner - [27 years to this day I am please to say]
I'm still clinging to a belief structure that goes on to oppress my kids: One of my most painful experiences ; coming to see just how damaging doing so really is. :(
https://image.ibb.co/gk4tLw/praying.jpg


I add a sad face to that because remember that feeling when you first found out as a child that either Santa or the Easter Bunny is not real? OR ... that we don't live for ever? Or ... that those you thought that once loved you would die and you'd never see the again. Things like that ... A devastating feeling that typically calls for the adoption of some new belief in order to heal. Sadly many of our patterns or the very essence of belief itself wind up presenting us with a life time of suffering ... at least if we are serious in the self reflecting. So it is that I have come to fathom.
__________________________________________________ ________

Hmmm 5AM now ... I'm feeling like a run. This new bouncing back I do with my body to help me reach desired states has my purging once again. However is all good. I intent to write more like this. Feels good. Has been a long time coming. I said I was gonna!

Passion ... I was very passionate about the belief that were imprinted onto me; both religion and societal ideals. Thankfully the 'Army' decided I was defective before I did ... however I now know it's more a case of this world being the one that's Mentally Affected, which Is why I smiled inwardly during a recent interview when asked, "When did I first come to realise that I was mentally ill"

So it is that I know talk about 'When did I first know the world was mentally ill?' Whilst it's more a progression of insights that come to a head often termed as an awakening ... one of the biggest insights I came to see, was with how Christian Schools deal with those they deem as unclean; those that do not fit. The same is true enough in secularized establishments but not quite as extreme, although toxic enough. I look forward to exposing more through personal experiences - or not.

How to come through all that and still see some form of light. I'm still getting to that ...

Chin Up
Time for my run and some more purging ... 3. 2. 1 *Adios ... until next post ...

[Ponder]

Lastly:

What's even sadder is how quick people are to recoil from the truth ... Is what it was and now be what it is. Is - in being whatever and however I choose to hold such realities and furthermore; my choice in how I give. Of course too much, too ripe, too raw, too true for the many; unless published and endorsed by a certified authority. Thankfully we can create our own realities and when we become our own audience - another's validation means little. Until such a time we take control and decide to think and see for ourselves, we shall continue to let others write our stories. For me - I write my own and it always takes on new meaning.

Do you write your own story? You might think you do. If it's main stream and follows a pattern of ideals or fits into a specific mold or culturally popular theme ... Such stories are bounded by the same pattern of thinking that does more to beg the question than it does to highlight an ounce of truth. So too we live our lives in a world bent on bliss, fulfillment & meaning. Always striving to live to the fullest where anything less is considered worthless and there is no rest without meaning. Is why so many of us are left wanting within the act of adopting belief and ideals. The process of belief itself is as restricting as it is defining ... as to define is to confine. So it is with ideals.

Write down something new, no matter if its the same old story ... just give it something raw or better yet ... something undesirable. In this way you'll be sure to come to the truth in a way that matters most ... a way that heals YOU! Forget what others think. Those that can't help but read ... will be glad you did.

OK ... Now I go for that run!

[Ponder]

Hmmm ... just did a HUGE post on ASMR (http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showthread.php?37211-ASMR-Have-You-Tried-It-amp-What-Do-You-Think&p=242836#post242836). Now time to go for my walk, BUT ... wanted to update my thread. ROUTINE!!! routine and routine. In order to keep routine I best get off and go for my walk. I can feel the sun beckoning me before it gets to harsh. hmmmm ... I have some new goals. Some I am already making good gains with and others I am nearly ready to undertake. I think that is enough said. My pep talk down and now time to go act. See what happens when I get back. :)

SLEEP ... have not forget about this Marty ... still contemplating ... in fact I have been sleeping like a log. Every time I think about answering this topic to the tenth degree I am like ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ than not long after hitting the sack! http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleep-in-bed.gif

[Ponder]

Take a deep breath ... just relax ... take another breath ... deeper and deeper ... SHHHHHHHHHHHH ... that's right ... your doing good ... http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/smoke/smiley-rolling-joint.gif I mean whatever works right? Well actually the latter smoked like that only freaks me out but seems to work for others. Anyways ... the opening of this post is kind of open to a lot of trolling with an introduction like that! I'm continuing on from the ASMR post linked in the post above. Poor old Whispering Crystal (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6f9CM5K0hug) used to cop a lot of heat in her comments section with 'Deeper and Deeper!!!' on so on. I myself almost switched off as the resistant part in me was crying out CORNY!!!! WTF?

Suffice to say for whatever reason I persisted with this or that video and flicking through the play lists; I was surprised at how the guided meditations/hypnosis sessions were working on me. Like I sad in the asmr thread 'The One Lilium' was another asmr artist that I came across early on. This was before asmr really took off. Early on it was simply more about Guided Relaxation. I actually found one of her earlier videos that caught my attention. The contrast I make when looking back at the earlier vids is just how much a different path that branch has now reached. Of course that is purely subjective to my own view; from where I sit and how I think and feel. Some have said it went down a dark path for them. I think not to choose such words but simply say it's not really been a path for me. I am happy though that Lilium seems to be happy with where she be.

In the following video ... I was drawn in by her sense of passion, inexperience, and genuine intent. Her videos and followers grew pretty quick as did her experience. As with us all, the latter saw a loss in innocence, but that said ... despite her tree ending up in a patch not for me - I do love how sincere she has always been and remains to be.


Lilium - Before becoming an ASMR QUEEN!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IM4cuHgRWFc

It's a big step going from the above guided relaxation to the kissing and licking of plastic ears. It's not what I originally had in mind. BUT ... whatever works I guess. Go Lilium http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/cats/licking-cat-smiley-emoticon.gif
Click here for → Instant Gratification (https://youtu.be/9RwGGixLVYE?t=467)
https://image.ibb.co/gYpL2b/lick_lick.jpg (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9RwGGixLVYE)

Like I said ... she certainly retained her passion and sincerity!!! She is a master at was she does and when it comes to making ASMR a drug ... she wins hands down. No messing about with Lilium. Got to love that about her. Alas ... I only wish she would do more of her guided meditations like she started off with. I and many others. I just think something has been lost along the way; as well all do. That said ... her channels no doubt is continually utilized by the masses. Perhaps people reading me may have found themselves a new vice.

All the power to those who find this hits the spot for them! https://image.ibb.co/ey49vw/lust.gif

I wonder though if there are those reading on that now get what I mean when I say that along the way something was lost? Over the years there has been debate on how ASMR is seemingly taking the path of soft porn? It's a topic to be sure. My take on the term 'soft porn' is simple really. Lust and desire through an act that facilitates a sexual urge. I'm no saint and even at my age still experience strong desires - BUT - it's not really a path for me. At least not when I am aiming for long lasting peace and tranquility that does not leave me feeling sapped when done. Go figure. Hmmm Sexual Energy now comes to mind. I've heard it all and still reason that to be more an unwelcome distraction than any kind of gate way to the next realm. Kids ... go figure. Give them a couple of decades and they'll soon fathom. Sigh ... but drugs sell well and the young make good addicts.



So ... hmmm ... where to from here?

I guess I will go hit up with some world of tanks. Good ol Lilium there has me feeling all sparked up. Thx Lillium. I guess at least I know where to go when feeling low. : )

Adios until next post.

[martin05]

I did take your advice re exercise. I've re-started jogging and walking, and I feel it's making a difference. Night comes and there's a twinge of tiredness, whereas before I was wide awake. I expect that will continue to develop once I get past the baby steps and start doing more intense stuff. So thanks for the reminder.

Never tried ASMR though. I feel a bit like a church choir boy at a college party. There seems to be so much I'm missing out on lol. What drew you to it?

[Ponder]

Hi Martin. It's good to hear that you're getting back into being active; especially if it means getting outdoor exposure. The combination of activity, being outside and sunlight are the key ingredients that I find work for me. Other than my previous mention of reducing blue light before going to bed at night; making my room as dark as possible is a must!

https://biology.stackexchange.com/questions/9490/why-do-you-need-you-room-dark-for-melatonin-release

Little bit by little bit Martin but do keep building upon progress thus far. I'm still in the early stages of my activity and feeling a bit stiff from day to day.

Please do if you're able ... check back in a couple of times a week and let me know how you're going with your exercise. Your activity is inspiring for me. It's good to have an online training partner. :)

I'll have to answer the other part of your question re ASMR tomorrow as it's getting late now and past my bedtime.
---------------------------

Please forgive the spasmodic sentences as I am dictating to my phone using speechnotes. It's actually quite accurate as long as you have an Internet connection whilst using it.

So as the saying goes, adios until next post!