It doesn't matter how I am when I feel normal

[willheal]

Because when that panic hits it sucks me into hell.

I just had a 2 hour panic attack. It started (I think) because some bad stomach pain from indigestion makes it feel like my heart is just going to stop or give out. I won't go into too much detail, I don't want to think about it again. Same thing happened a week ago and it ruined my night. When I'm rational, it makes sense. When panic sets in? I'm completely blinded. I just knew I was going to pass out and die. I started writing instructions on what my family should do with my stuff in an email.

This came after a long sprint of less horrifying anxiety symptoms. Mostly intrusive thoughts and a little depression. I was used to them. I'd rather have those back.

Today it wasn't AS bad because I was able to control my breathing better so I didn't go completely numb. This is impacting my quality of life and it looks like I'm going to need to be on medication again.

I lament this so much. It hurts you in a way that no physical pain can. You know that dark feeling that you catch glimpses of? The impending sense of doom, or that nagging feeling that something is irreparably wrong and you need to brace for it? I feel that so vividly it's like a curse. When people suggest I control my breathing I often can't because this is surrounding me. It's gripped me in some strange way and my body, my thoughts, and everything are no longer my own. And then it passes, & then it's OK.

Maybe that sounds a little melodramatic, but yknow, it's really that intense.

[gypsylee]

Hi there :)

I know EXACTLY what you mean. I've found breathing to be the best (non-chemical) remedy but sometimes the only thing that works for me is chemical.

Not sure about it hurting in a way no physical pain can though - I've had acute Pancreatitis and had to be knocked out on morphine for a week in ICU. I think I'd take the panic attacks over that because when you're in that much pain you get panic at the same time.

Anyway, the basic explanation for it is that different parts of the brain are at work and with anxiety/panic your system is full of stress hormones. You're ready to fight a bear but there is no bear, so it gets even worse and lasts longer than it should.

Hang in there!
Gypsy x

[willheal]

Thanks gypsy. This has a been frustrating 20 year battle. I have so many things I want to do in my lifetime but this limits me. I feel like most of my day is wasted suffering

[gypsylee]

Oh I'm the same.. I was diagnosed in 1993 with Major (Unipolar) Depression and I still struggle, but a lot of it now is to do with my ex-husband and teenage daughter. There is a light at the end of that tunnel though!

I just sort of accept that I have a sensitive nervous system and I'm also very prone to addiction. Staying sober from alcohol is my biggest achievement (it's what caused the Pancreatitis) and it makes a massive difference to my state of mind. I'm 43 now and this isn't the life I had planned lol, but I'm hopeful that I still have many years left to do things. I'm off to the doctor today to get blood test and ECG results, so fingers crossed.

:)

[willheal]

Oh I'm the same.. I was diagnosed in 1993 with Major (Unipolar) Depression and I still struggle, but a lot of it now is to do with my ex-husband and teenage daughter. There is a light at the end of that tunnel though!

I just sort of accept that I have a sensitive nervous system and I'm also very prone to addiction. Staying sober from alcohol is my biggest achievement (it's what caused the Pancreatitis) and it makes a massive difference to my state of mind. I'm 43 now and this isn't the life I had planned lol, but I'm hopeful that I still have many years left to do things. I'm off to the doctor today to get blood test and ECG results, so fingers crossed.

:)

I hope everything went well, and congratulations on the sobriety! I'm glad to hear you're holding out hope. I was in a bit of a family situation and any plans or ideas or hopes or dreams just get pinned down. btw I've been here for a while on and off now and just noticed your avatar was tank girl. Nice!

I ended up going to the ER and getting an ECG too. I just couldn't hack the panic this week. Turns out I was in SVT but that reset itself. They gave me a lot of good, practical advice though. And a tiny bit of xanax so I don't feel like a walking raw nerve. The Dr said I was gonna be ok but I need some type of medication intervention before my next psych appointment so I have to call up my dr and get something sooner hopefully.

Sigh...some relief for now, at least.

[gypsylee]

Yeah.. Apart from a few minor things it's all pretty good :) The ECG was just a routine thing the doc requested because of my age and diabetes. Seems my heart is still doing it's thing though. I'm not really a health anxiety type - much more social anxiety - maybe because I had such bad health in my 30s, with the drinking and subsequent hospitalisation, I'm kind of amazed I'm still here haha.

I'm on Prozac (which I just got upped from 20 to 40mg), Mogadon (benzo) and Oxycodone (opiate) at the moment. I just had a hellish couple of years - including my brother's sudden death, my daughter moving interstate without me being told let alone asked, and my mother ending up in a wheelchair with noone but me to help - and I pretty much went to pieces. The doctors were sympathetic enough to understand that without something to take the edge off my panic and depression that I would compulsively drink. So I'm not exactly clean (I was completely drug-free for 3 years before all that) but compared to when I drink I'm 100% better. I'm working on cutting down the benzos and opiates, hence the increase in Prozac. As I say though, the pharmaceuticals are FAR safer for me than alcohol, which now makes me go completely crazy and sometimes suicidal.

Good luck.. I hope your doc is sympathetic like mine. Having a GP and psychiatrist who I get along well with has been a literal lifesaver for me.

P.S. Tank Girl rocks :)

[willheal]

Oh the doctors were so very sympathetic with me. They must have mountains of patience there even when I was at my worst (embarrassingly...screaming in panic in the intake room). One of them took me and said "let's go take a walk." It immediately calmed me down. And something changed that day... I feel kinda different and I haven't had an anxiety attack since. I'm not quite sure I understand it yet.

I'm really glad to hear about your improvement. It's really inspiring to hear that & I hope things keep getting better for you