Lizzifer
03-04-2017, 10:23 PM
Hi everyone,
It's my first post here and found this place while looking for a forum that might be able to help talk me through my current situation.
A bit of background: in the fall of 2015, I was diagnosed with cervical cancer while I was about 3 months into a job that was a temporary maternity leave coverage position (it should have lasted a year). I was really lucky in that it was easily resolved. Just a quick little procedure to remove the tumour and I was on my way. The lasting effects started to show themselves about a month later, when I started struggling with crippling anxiety. I've always had anxiety, but having had cancer at the age of 31 and feeling like it would result in an inevitable death sentence blew it into overdrive. I couldn't function at work anymore so had to prematurely leave my position. I couldn't eat more than a smoothie over the course of an entire day, and leaving the house was nearly impossible. I would wake up nauseous and dry-heaving every morning and suffered panic attacks almost daily for about two months. My doctor and I decided at that point it would help for me to go on anti-anxiety medication, so I did. Since then, it sure has helped make the worst of it get better. I've stopped obsessing over cancer and scaring myself into worst-case scenarios. Since then, however, I haven't worked. I've recently begun feeling ready to go back, and was lucky enough to land a great position quite literally across the street from where I live.
I start on Monday, and over the past few days since I was offered the position, I can feel that old suffocating bubble boiling up again, wondering how I'm going to be able to handle going back to work. The 8-hour days, the social exhaustion, learning a whole new job, training, more exhaustion, and having more responsibility than I've had in over a year is scaring the s*** out of me. I know working is normal, that most people go to work every day, no big deal, and at the end of the day go home no worse for wear. But in my mind it feels like the equivalent of scaling Mount Everest is looming on Monday. I've forgotten what putting a 40 hour work week in feels like because my last year has been nothing but anxiety and I haven't had room for anything else, and it terrifies me. I want to be normal. I want to function normally, go to work, do some good, come home, and be able to relax without getting panic-stricken about having to go to work again the next day. I have a feeling I'm going to love my new job that I was so lucky to get, and I adore the people there, so why can't I be excited?
It seems so stupid, but I can't seem to get over the feeling of impending doom.
It's my first post here and found this place while looking for a forum that might be able to help talk me through my current situation.
A bit of background: in the fall of 2015, I was diagnosed with cervical cancer while I was about 3 months into a job that was a temporary maternity leave coverage position (it should have lasted a year). I was really lucky in that it was easily resolved. Just a quick little procedure to remove the tumour and I was on my way. The lasting effects started to show themselves about a month later, when I started struggling with crippling anxiety. I've always had anxiety, but having had cancer at the age of 31 and feeling like it would result in an inevitable death sentence blew it into overdrive. I couldn't function at work anymore so had to prematurely leave my position. I couldn't eat more than a smoothie over the course of an entire day, and leaving the house was nearly impossible. I would wake up nauseous and dry-heaving every morning and suffered panic attacks almost daily for about two months. My doctor and I decided at that point it would help for me to go on anti-anxiety medication, so I did. Since then, it sure has helped make the worst of it get better. I've stopped obsessing over cancer and scaring myself into worst-case scenarios. Since then, however, I haven't worked. I've recently begun feeling ready to go back, and was lucky enough to land a great position quite literally across the street from where I live.
I start on Monday, and over the past few days since I was offered the position, I can feel that old suffocating bubble boiling up again, wondering how I'm going to be able to handle going back to work. The 8-hour days, the social exhaustion, learning a whole new job, training, more exhaustion, and having more responsibility than I've had in over a year is scaring the s*** out of me. I know working is normal, that most people go to work every day, no big deal, and at the end of the day go home no worse for wear. But in my mind it feels like the equivalent of scaling Mount Everest is looming on Monday. I've forgotten what putting a 40 hour work week in feels like because my last year has been nothing but anxiety and I haven't had room for anything else, and it terrifies me. I want to be normal. I want to function normally, go to work, do some good, come home, and be able to relax without getting panic-stricken about having to go to work again the next day. I have a feeling I'm going to love my new job that I was so lucky to get, and I adore the people there, so why can't I be excited?
It seems so stupid, but I can't seem to get over the feeling of impending doom.