For all of the Christian anxiety sufferers...a question

[tiredoffeelinganxious]

Ok, this is a weird one.

I was raised Catholic but drifted away for quite awhile. Recently, I've re-discovered my faith and have been attending church, reading some devotionals, doing a bible study, etc. So I understand that God has a purpose for my life. However, with all of my intrusive thoughts, I keep wondering, what if God's purpose is for me to go crazy, to help other people realize it's ok to suffer with mental illness and to get help before its too late? What if God's plan is for me to commit suicide, so my friends and family members would raise awareness for suicide? I know how crazy this sounds, believe me. It is just all of the WHAT IFS? There is so much suffering and pain in this world, why should I be any different? Like I feel like I don't deserve to be happy, but everything I read says that God wants us to live a full life on this Earth. I'm just having trouble doing that. Can anyone relate to these thoughts I'm having? Thanks in advance :)

[Kirk]

My deceased mother used to say, life is what you make it. Religion is of course faith based, but if you believe in Christianity, than you know that
no one wants you to committ suicide, go crazy, etc.

[salvator here]

Hmmm..

I really get this!!

I was also raised Catholic and attended church regularly up until about the age of 13, my mother and father just stopped going and my mother and I searched around for a congregation a bit less judgmental; needless to say we didn't have much luck. Maybe around the age of 14 or 15 I began another search to try and understand my faith and it almost made me also feel like suicide was the only option as well. It was at that point that I was told (and fully believed) that God HATED me and I was doomed to end up in hell. I guess it sort of destroyed me and I struggled with this well into my 30's. I guess, by my late 30s I finally came to terms that God does not hate, nor wants me to commit suicide. I believe God doesn't make mistakes and we were put on this earth for a purpose. I'm not sure I've discovered it myself, yet, but that is what keeps me going. I'm no longer affiliated with any particular religion but I do believe in God (maybe my beliefs wouldn't matched others, but I'm secure in my beliefs). I also don't consider myself to be a Christian any longer. Maybe to explain it better, I don't believe in the trinity.

I'm not sure exactly what you are dealing with or going through, but Kirk is right, the God you believe does not want you to commit suicide or go crazy. However, there is nothing wrong with helping other people that are struggling with mental issues to get help - that is a honorable purpose raising awareness about suicide.

I (personally) feel over the years, some religions have become poisonous and toxic to our well-being. I'm going to stop here to avoid a rant of my own that wouldn't help you any with your situation. I would just say this, if you are feeling that your church is making you feel worse, you could consider searching around for another church with nice non-judgmental people that care and want the best for you, and to celebrate your faith rather that use it as a weapon.

Good luck and you DO deserve to be happy!

[fixmybrokenmind]

I totally feel you on this, however my experience was slightly different.

I was not raised religious, I found religion when I was at the lowest point in my life. Realizing that there was still a purpose for my life was quite possibly the most pivotal point in my recovery. In fact I wish to speak on it more around these forums but I don't like the idea of pushing beliefs on anyone.

God does not want you to commit suicide, in fact that would interrupt his plans for what he has in store for you and the impact you can make in this world. I totally relate with you being curious as to if gods plan was to show you pain. Perhaps rather than to show people its okay to have mental illness he wants you to share your story to help others? I've seen places so dark I did not believe I would pull through, yet god always made sure I had anchors that would never let that happen. When I started to believe I could get better and tried to see how god could be making a masterpiece out of my train wreck everything started to come together like a puzzle. I can gladly say I am 100% mentally stable again only a year later.

Rather than taking your own life, perhaps god wants you to help others who may be in the same boat? Through doing this I can almost guarantee you will experience therapeutic benefits. I started a blog in hopes that one day, someone going through what I went through would find it and I could help them with what I went through in the past. Whether it is optimism or ego, I believe I can change someone's life one day with my experiences and as a man of god you can too.

Even a live dog is better than a dead lion - Ecclesiastes 9:4

Also I fully agree with salvator that the right church is key. A good portion are corrupt, but the right one can change everything

[tiredoffeelinganxious]

Thanks for your replies everyone.

I have found a wonderful church in my area that is very accepting and I can really relate to the pastor. Everyone is really nice and normal. These thoughts come from within me. But you're all right-God does not want me to suffer but maybe he has bigger plans for me to help others when I am better. I feel like this low point in my life has called me back to him. Fixmybrokenmind-I'm going to check out your blog!

[fixmybrokenmind]

Awesome I hope you like it! It is funny timing, I am currently working on an article on how religion changed my mental health, it would be a perfect read in relation to this post. I should have it up in the next few days :)

[Kirk]

My daughters friend who lives in the western USA, found religion and it helped her overcome her anxiety and she now lives a more stable lifestyle.
I personally am not religious, however.

[The Intolerable Kid]

As far as I remember, suicide is considered a sin with all kinds of unpleasant dogmatic punishments levied against you. If you're a believer, you'll want to avoid suicide. As far as tying in SA with religion, perhaps it comes down to the Henry Wadsworth Longfellow quote "Whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad." If you think the divine plan is for you to suffer, you can't fight city hall (or, in this case, the Pearly Gates.).

Speaking for myself, I am not superstitious, so I don't think there's a magical entity designing a life of SA and other obstacles for me. I feel like I am a happier person that way. I don't depend on magic, it's my responsibility to find meaning in my own life. No offense meant, just my 2 cents.

[Anne1221]

You need to separate your anxiety from your faith, if you can. All of these sentences that start with "What if...." are your anxiety. I do it all the time, probably at some point every day. "What if this happens..what if that happens and on and on." That's my anxiety. Now, my faith is based on the word of God and Scripture. I know God has a will and a plan and a purpose for me. And the joy, the true joy of Christianity is that I am never alone, never just out there on my own, but always, always He is with me to help me. It's not easy, and there may be suffering involved, but you know what happens when you suffer? It brings you closer to Him because you develop a relationship with God. Remember He said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." And He won't!

[PanicCured]

What if God's plan is for me to commit suicide, so my friends and family members would raise awareness for suicide

I can answer you with absolute certainty the answer is 100% NO! Please realize this is absolutely not an option. When you are in deep anxiety everything seems really sic-fi religious, providence, and meaningful, but that is because you are in a bad state right now feeling hopeless. I suppose dark moments are actually a good time to get spiritual and realize more meaning in your life, maybe there is a higher purpose for you to step out of the daily grind and think of higher things, but in a more finding life's meaning kind of way, not suicide! No that is not the plan for you. Call a Suicide Hotline if you are entertaining those thoughts.

[tiredoffeelinganxious]

Thanks again for the replies everyone!

I am definitely not suicidal, I more worry "what if I go crazy and kill myself?" I'm having a hard time with these crazy thoughts that go through my head, what if I hurt myself, someone I love, etc? I am doing CBT and my psychologist tells me to remind myself "these are just thoughts, nothing is going to happen".
I agree that going through a hard time will bring you closer to God, which is kind of why I feel like I am struggling right now. This forum is so helpful though!

[RoadToRecovery]

Thanks again for the replies everyone!

I am definitely not suicidal, I more worry "what if I go crazy and kill myself?" I'm having a hard time with these crazy thoughts that go through my head, what if I hurt myself, someone I love, etc? I am doing CBT and my psychologist tells me to remind myself "these are just thoughts, nothing is going to happen".
I agree that going through a hard time will bring you closer to God, which is kind of why I feel like I am struggling right now. This forum is so helpful though!

Hi Tiredoffealinganxious. I agree that it is not God's will for you to kill yourself. I think it's great that you are getting back into church, as God has been the cornerstone to helping me to recover from a four year period of a crippling anxiety disorder. I've found scripture memorization to be very important, especially memorizing key verses that specifically address worry.

Also, I want you to know that "crazy thoughts" are a very common symptom of anxiety disorder. Remember, that "crazy people" don't worry about going crazy, and there's no link between being fearful and going crazy. Anxiety disorders can produce this and really mess with us psychologically and emotionally. Stress hormones (adrenaline, cortisol, etc) are very powerful when they enter our bloodstream.

Also, if you haven't read this already, I made a very lengthy post on another user's thread titled "Help!" from a forum member named Jaylaree. I think you would find this post helpful to read if you have 10-15 minutes of time. I went into detail about my anxiety disorder and how I've been experiencing success in recovery. I hope you can find the time to read it, and it is a help to you!

[fixmybrokenmind]

It has been three weeks since I have been able to go to church and finally managed to go to service today. I forgot how good it makes me feel! Definitely helped bring my anxiety down a notch which I honestly needed this week.

It still astounds me how beneficial religion has been for me, faith honestly changes everything when you have anxiety.