totalcfh
01-06-2017, 07:13 PM
It started some days ago. I dreamt about my ex gf's death. In the dream she died due to a disease. I woke up crying a lot.
I live in Brazil. There are lots of fked up stuff here. Still, I never felt the way im feeling right now. Im naturally a little anxious, but I was cool with a lot of stuff. I consider myself lucky. Bad stuff rarely happens to me or the ones I love.
But nowadays i get the feeling that death lurks around the corner. I dont fear for myself tho. Until some months ago, I used to buy weed in the slums, casually walking around and talking to gangstas holding AK-47s. And I never felt in danger, even when walking thru shady places. Hell I would go there right now if I wasnt trying to quit smoking, and I would feel safe.
But I cant stop fearing for the lives of the hundreds of people I care for, family and friends. In the news, or in casual conversations, I always hear about bad stuff happening. People dying, mugging, fighting, etc. So theres always this feeling that the world is a giant minefild, one wrong step may kill you. As I said, I feel quite confident for myself, Im always pretty sure of the current situation Im in.
But I cant ignore the feeling that I cant protect the ones I love. It seems that the probability of death is too high, so I fear for everyone who goes out for whatever reason. I know I might be overthinking a little, but i just cant see the odds in our favor. All I can see is Evil Triumphant.
Am I supposed to just accept life as it is? The fact that I am powerless, i cant do shit for the ones I love? Do I have to accept that theres always the chance of someone I care for being shot, or stabbed, or punched to death?
I cant live with this tiny probability that someone I care for is going to face some horrible, painful, tragic death. Thats not how life is supposed to be.
I live in Brazil. There are lots of fked up stuff here. Still, I never felt the way im feeling right now. Im naturally a little anxious, but I was cool with a lot of stuff. I consider myself lucky. Bad stuff rarely happens to me or the ones I love.
But nowadays i get the feeling that death lurks around the corner. I dont fear for myself tho. Until some months ago, I used to buy weed in the slums, casually walking around and talking to gangstas holding AK-47s. And I never felt in danger, even when walking thru shady places. Hell I would go there right now if I wasnt trying to quit smoking, and I would feel safe.
But I cant stop fearing for the lives of the hundreds of people I care for, family and friends. In the news, or in casual conversations, I always hear about bad stuff happening. People dying, mugging, fighting, etc. So theres always this feeling that the world is a giant minefild, one wrong step may kill you. As I said, I feel quite confident for myself, Im always pretty sure of the current situation Im in.
But I cant ignore the feeling that I cant protect the ones I love. It seems that the probability of death is too high, so I fear for everyone who goes out for whatever reason. I know I might be overthinking a little, but i just cant see the odds in our favor. All I can see is Evil Triumphant.
Am I supposed to just accept life as it is? The fact that I am powerless, i cant do shit for the ones I love? Do I have to accept that theres always the chance of someone I care for being shot, or stabbed, or punched to death?
I cant live with this tiny probability that someone I care for is going to face some horrible, painful, tragic death. Thats not how life is supposed to be.