Anxiety and suicidal depression every day for months because of society

[JGF87]

I was diagnosed with depression at age 8. I'm now 29, and the longer my life goes, the lower I sink emotionally. While the majority of my sadness used to come from a lack of confidence and straight up self-loathing, a chunk of it also became devoted to both fear and hatred of the world I live in after 9/11 and the resulting neverending paranoia, xenophobia, and increased conflict it introduced to American society.

This past winter, I met a therapist who finally figured out the right steps to take for me to be able to love, respect, and have confidence in my own personality, kindness, and skills. Unfortunately, I've still spent over two years developing even worse depression and now anxiety over the big picture things I have no control over. The Ferguson riots and the beginning of a neverending deluge of reminders of how racist, oppressive, and hateful our world is and always will be was the start of my downfall. Then everything that happened to make most people declare 2016 the worst year ever happened, kept happening, and is still happening (I bet every year afterwards will just keep getting worse instead of humanity learning, too). In the last week before the election and for weeks afterward, I went from never having had panic attacks to multiple ones every day. My limbs locking up, my mind feeling off, everything.

On average, I used to have an extended depressive moment once a week, or occasionally twice. Now, I've had at least one every single day for over three months. I've been making major accomplishments in my own life, but I've long been at a point where they all mean nothing, along with the dozens of all wonderful friends and family I have. I can't go a day without those same friends and family reminding me of how awful our shared existence is on Twitter or Facebook, and as much as I want to just shut all my accounts on those sites down, the type of career I'm working for makes that impossible. And even on days where I just stay off those sites on my own, my mind is at a point where either seeing certain things in public triggers me (I saw a Muslim family at a Wal-Mart last week and broke down crying in my car afterwards, thinking how unfair and miserable life must be for the billions like them), or I trigger myself for no apparent reason/ I can't even turn to the media I used to love for recreation and escapism, because now it feels like everything under the sun is including a political or ethical message on our horrible society (Zootopia, Mafia 3), or the industries I love are having more sexist, racist, or corrupt issues forced into the spotlight more than ever.

I've talked to over a dozen people, tried anxiety meds and soothing things like tea and meditation, and cut back on sugar and caffeine. Nothing works. I wind myself up every day and typically weep for hours over how hopeless everything is. I've seen a ton of doctors and tried probably over 30 medications, most of which have just had bad side effects and done little for my actual mind, so I've sworn off trying new ones. I've been told countless times that the big picture isn't as bleak as I think and that my acquiantances aren't as upset as I think, but how does that explain the neverending torrent of heartbreaking posts they make that's resulted in me unfollowing almost all of them? Or how I keep hearing that people are getting "ready to fight" for peace and progress? Just sounds like a neverending increase in hate crimes, mass shootings, and maybe war, with either extinction or perpetual dystopia afterwards. There's no relief when I look to others or am on my own, and if this will be my life for years to come, I want to end it.

A big thing people have told me many, many times is that having a lot of horrible setbacks in society is a natural cycle that always results in great progress being made. The problem is, regardless of whether that proves true or false for the world going to hell this time, it will take years - maybe even decades or centuries - before we see any signs of recovery, and in my current state, combined with the fact that my therapist has said it takes years for someone like me to become stable, I can't imagine how I'm going to reach the deadline next May that I set for myself in 2013 and not kill myself like I've desired for years. I'm an atheist (No way any deity that cared about its creations would come up with mankind), and the likelihood that I'll cease to exist after death is the only concept that brings me relief, because never feeling or thinking anything again means I'll never suffer again.

How have any of you dealt with similar feelings? I've already tried three other forums and posted over 50 Reddit threads dealing with these issues and gotten nowhere, so I guess I never learn. All the more reason to leave life behind.

[Fashoom]

Hi JGF,

Thanks for sharing what you’re going through w/ us here. It’s not easy to open up, especially to strangers. Writing/journaling is a great way to address anxiety and depression, so I hope just putting it all out there was at least a little cathartic for you.

Millions of people in the US and the world over are feeling much of what you’re feeling. These are explosive times, and it can seem like the world is running down. Your compassion for Michael Brown and the people in Fergusson, for the Muslim family you saw at Wal-Mart – that is a great quality. There is nothing more important. It’s people of conscience, people with compassion like you who keep the world spinning round.

Regardless of what your therapist may have said, you are not unstable. You are a compassionate person who is deeply sensitive, and that sensitivity to all the craziness in the world serves as a trigger for your anxiety and depression, which are common medical conditions millions of people have.

Self-compassion is so important. Try this – next time you cry over the state of the world or something you see, say something to yourself like, “I’m a person who cares. When I see suffering in the world I feel a bit of that suffering.” In other words, practice self-love. Feel positive about your own kindness. Isn’t that what you value? Isn’t that what will fix these intractable problems?

Will the world change overnight? Of course not. But dedicated, caring people have made an incalculable difference in the world. They have carried women, religious minorities, racial minorities, people with disabilities and many, many others to new levels of just treatment and respect in the world.

Thanks again for sharing yourself, welcome, and please come back again.

[gypsylee]

https://fractalenlightenment.com/32950/issues/six-signs-you-may-be-a-disaster-shaman

Thinking on this, the main message is you have to create amidst the destruction. Create your own little world.

You say you're an atheist because "no way any deity that cared about its creations would come up with mankind". I agree but that's using "man made" rational thinking. You have to go beyond that.

:)

[Anne1221]

I am going to encourage you to not give up hope and there is help out there for you. You just have to find the right person to help you. Your depression gets started by things in the world that are beyond your control. You remind me of myself in that. But I don't worry about the world in general or what I hear on the news (it makes me sad but it does not control how I feel about life) but I have tremendous anxiety over things not being under my control. I had to try too many doctors to count, and too many medications to count but finally found the right combination. So don't give up and keep searching. I think you're going to need to find the right combination of medication/therapy. The right medication/therapy can allow you to see things in the world that are not right, but it won't affect you to spiral so downward. Millions of other people are seeing the same things as you, and yet life goes on for them. You have to find out why for you it is bringing you so down. I'm the most empathetic person in the world, so I get sad, but it doesn't bring me down. My inability to control things going on around me, well that's my problem and boy it is a big one. But the right doctor and right medication allows me to continue on.

[Kirk]

I agree with Anne.

[Fashoom]

How are you doing JGF?

[JGF87]

I've tried to submit replies to this thread twice (Both today and yesterday), but just got a notification both times saying a mod would need to approve them. Still nothing.

EDIT: But this went through instantly. Strange.

[JGF87]

I'll try to do the proper reply I've been intending now.

I appreciate gypsylee's link, but spirituality has truly become a no-go for me. I'm just too jaded to have any engagement with it.

Knowing that I care, and that I'm trying harder than ever in my life to spread joy to random strangers (Smiling and being grateful at stores and restaurants, giving money to beggars and donation collectors, making every effort to not think for myself first in random situations) have honestly brought me no joy, because I don't think I can ever do enough to make myself feel better. All the problems I have with society are huge things out of my control and influence, at least to the point where I'd feel relieved. I just got my Christmas bonus yesterday, and immediately donated $150 of it to the Human Rights Campaign. My feelings didn't change in the slightest.

I know that it's normal to have moments of despair over society, especially given recent events. It's less normal to have it take over your life and consume you daily just based on your thoughts alone, especially when, taking everything into consideration, I have a secure, stable home and family life, and have experienced more personal growth this year in my lifelong goals than I possibly ever have. I've just become unable to let any of that sink in and hold any meaning or value, even when I stop to think about it. My own life feels so insignificant knowing that I'm one of a mostly suffering and oppressed eight billion. Self-compassion and self-respect are no longer problems for me. Focus and perspective on the bigger picture and my own day to day life are. I've known my parents long enough to know that they aren't malicious, stupid, or uninformed in these kinds of things, and they have been so resilient and steadfast in their hope for humanity, their ability to go on with their lives, and their overall positive and productive demeanors and outlooks, despite them also hearing everything that has destroyed my will and mental health over the past two years. I want to believe I'm the wrong one here, but every time I ask someone like them to explain their viewpoint, nothing they say makes any sense to me. I try hard to see things their way, but my relentlessly cynical brain finds a way to counter every fact and likelihood with pessimism.

My therapist doesn't think I'm unstable. He says my problem is that I view everything in absolutes, including the world, and the reality according to him is that the world and mankind aren't generally good or bad, but a massive bunch of diverse, unpredictable factors that can't be so easily categorized one way or the other. That sounds like a viewpoint I'd much prefer over my current one, but I have no idea how to get there. And I just can't keep trying new medicines. I took one two years ago that, just on its own, caused most of my teeth to rot for years (Still suffering constant pain and decay and spent over $4000 on root canals and fillings the past few months alone), made me gain 40 pounds in a month (Still haven't lost all of it), caused me to wake up at 5 AM every night, made my legs seize up with pain after walking more than 10 minutes, and made it difficult to urinate. The last new one I tried also made me start acting like a druggie on withdrawal within 3 days of starting it - Shaking, involuntary muttering, and a sense of paranoia. I'm not trying new ones any more. The risk is too great.

It becomes harder every day to even want to work towards mental healing when I know every day for years will bring more self-inflicted heartache. I'm scared to get up every morning. I'm tired of crying for hours every day. I don't have the strength to sit through years and hundreds of consecutive days of this. I just don't know what to do any more.

[gypsylee]

I've tried to submit replies to this thread twice (Both today and yesterday), but just got a notification both times saying a mod would need to approve them. Still nothing.

EDIT: But this went through instantly. Strange.

That is indeed weird because there are no moderators lol. Other people have said they've had similar problems though (I never have in the three years I've been here).

Can we not call it "spirituality"? :) I mean science (quantum physics and whatnot) is even pointing in "new directions". I can't even start to articulate that stuff but yeah.

I'm still far from immune to depression though and my bottom line sometimes is just the fact I have a daughter who needs me and parents who have already lost one child. I'm pretty sure my brother's death wasn't suicide but it was related to anxiety/depression (he had Temazepam, Diazepam and Effexor in his system as well as the heroin). He had a 3yo son, had just found out his fiance was pregnant again and had a new job lined up which he was excited about. My guess is he was "celebrating" but noone gets hold of those drugs unless they're seriously anxious. So me commiting suicide because of anxiety/depression became even less of an option after Feburary 2014.

I haven't mentioned this much but something that keeps me going is animals. I have a couple of Bearded Dragons as pets but I also have animals that visit me. For seven years I've been feeding these brushtail possums at night and this year I've started feeding the cockatoos around here. Both these can be pests (especially the cockies!) and ideally you shouldn't feed them, but hey the world isn't looking that ideal to me right now. I've had really bad moments of despair where I've just sat outside at night and felt better when the possums turn up. One of the cockies now waits for me to get up and I tend to feel really anxious when I wake up, but the cocky (my friend and I call him "Original Cocky" lol, because there are lots of them) nearly always makes me smile. The dragons aren't the smartest animals but they have their own personalities as well and make me laugh. They're a bit like reptilian dogs (I can't have a dog here and not that keen on cats). So I guess in terms of that article, this is me communing with the natural world. I've also started to enjoy a bit of gardening. Nature is pretty therapeutic.

:)

[JGF87]

I saw you make a similar post in the topic I first posted in. I have no obligations like that, and though I know me dying would devastate my family and many connections, that stopped mattering to me years ago.

[gypsylee]

I just added to that post (re animals).

[jenkyleg]

Hi JGF87,

I know this is probably cold comfort, but I too share many of your fears and anxieties, including your habit of countering reassurance and good thoughts with pessimism. You are not alone in your suffering.

We are in a period of national uncertainty, yes, but I think we need to take it a day at a time. Know there have been worse times in our country's history. People have had similar fears for decades, and yet, we've always persevered. I don't know what the future holds for us, but I do know it may not all be bad. We just can't see how yet.

Hang in there and keep that little flame of hope alive. I'll try to do the same.

[magicmarcus]

have you ever thought that perhaps the fact that we see this in a different light than so many others means that we are here for something.

like rather than looking at this as i feel this way therefore i cant handle it anymore... perhaps there is a responsibility to do our part and be the change we want to see in the world.

for years i went to therapy with anxiety issues over violent movies and the therapist said "what if you are the way we are supposed to be" what if my view is the sensitized version we should all have.

the world could benefit from the way you see things... we have the rest of our lives to "end it all" but right now we can make a difference... if even just in the heart of one person.

yes... i have dealt and deal with these all the time. unfortunately society not only "ignores" our view... but also suppresses the good things in the world done every day.

we are different... if you relate to the feelings shared in this thread about wanting the world to be a better place... that's a good thing... and the anxiety caused by that may be a good anxiety because your soul, mind, core, whatever you want to call it... knows that there is more we can be as humankind.

instead of going back inside and anxiousing, entering the depression cycle, and feeling hopeless... i try to find something i can do each day to help turn someones light on and help them see that we can be more.

hope this helps... just a different perspective that helps me look forward to each day.

[JGF87]

have you ever thought that perhaps the fact that we see this in a different light than so many others means that we are here for something.

like rather than looking at this as i feel this way therefore i cant handle it anymore... perhaps there is a responsibility to do our part and be the change we want to see in the world.

for years i went to therapy with anxiety issues over violent movies and the therapist said "what if you are the way we are supposed to be" what if my view is the sensitized version we should all have.

the world could benefit from the way you see things... we have the rest of our lives to "end it all" but right now we can make a difference... if even just in the heart of one person.

yes... i have dealt and deal with these all the time. unfortunately society not only "ignores" our view... but also suppresses the good things in the world done every day.

we are different... if you relate to the feelings shared in this thread about wanting the world to be a better place... that's a good thing... and the anxiety caused by that may be a good anxiety because your soul, mind, core, whatever you want to call it... knows that there is more we can be as humankind.

instead of going back inside and anxiousing, entering the depression cycle, and feeling hopeless... i try to find something i can do each day to help turn someones light on and help them see that we can be more.

hope this helps... just a different perspective that helps me look forward to each day.

People have told me for years to join a cause and make a difference, but just hearing about these things secondhand triggers me for hours. Besides, causes don't work any more. I was deluged for months with people telling me the horrors that await if people voted Trump. Did it mean anything? No. I hear all the time about people trying to broker peace between cops and black people or get better gun control. Does it every get anywhere? No. And besides, I just donated $150 to a LGBT charity and felt nothing. I think I've become a nihilist.

I hold no power or perseverance to change anything. In fact, just seeing you say society will always set out to suppress or ignore my view makes me want to die more. I should really stop going on forums like these.

[JGF87]

Hi JGF87,

I know this is probably cold comfort, but I too share many of your fears and anxieties, including your habit of countering reassurance and good thoughts with pessimism. You are not alone in your suffering.

We are in a period of national uncertainty, yes, but I think we need to take it a day at a time. Know there have been worse times in our country's history. People have had similar fears for decades, and yet, we've always persevered. I don't know what the future holds for us, but I do know it may not all be bad. We just can't see how yet.

Hang in there and keep that little flame of hope alive. I'll try to do the same.

A flame of hope is a foreign feeling to me.

[gypsylee]

I actually just woke up from a dream about a guy who commited suicide in about 2012. I had the hots for him bigtime when we were younger (and my subconscious apparently still does!) but could never pin him down heh. A mutual friend messaged me a few years ago to say he'd ODed (deliberately). Apparently he had a couple of kids but had been depressed for a long time.

Another guy I knew hung himself on Australia Day 2015. I know of a couple more suicides by people online.

How would you do it JGF?

[JGF87]

Discussing suicide methods never gets me anywhere good.

I should probably leave.

[JGF87]

I'm just so weak

[magicmarcus]

People have told me for years to join a cause and make a difference, but just hearing about these things secondhand triggers me for hours. Besides, causes don't work any more. I was deluged for months with people telling me the horrors that await if people voted Trump. Did it mean anything? No. I hear all the time about people trying to broker peace between cops and black people or get better gun control. Does it every get anywhere? No. And besides, I just donated $150 to a LGBT charity and felt nothing. I think I've become a nihilist.

I hold no power or perseverance to change anything. In fact, just seeing you say society will always set out to suppress or ignore my view makes me want to die more. I should really stop going on forums like these.

wasn't really speaking of a cause... if you can help just one person... that's making a difference.

i am pretty sure if you stopped watching the news and reading all the stuff out there and instead focused on other people... your life would turn around and you would start to feel better right away. forums may fuel this as well... while forums are a good tool... if you read all about stories of anxiety all the time... you will probably start to get worse symptoms of anxiety... if you watch the news all the time... you will start to think the whole world sucks. it does not.

the problem with anxiety and worry is that it is all internal... its about what we feel, what we want, what we perceive the world to be.

whats not on the news is all the good people doing good things... feeding the poor, helping babies, loving the hopeless and the addicts, there is good all around us.

there were two times in my life i was seriously suicidal... to the point of being taken into custody one time... i'm glad i didn't go that route.

not going that route was the best thing that ever happened to me.

i would advise seeking medical attention immediately.

[JGF87]

I haven't voluntarily looked at news sites or networks in ages. I've been hospitalized twice for depression already and seen over a dozen doctors. I've basically run out of things to try.

[gypsylee]

I haven't voluntarily looked at news sites or networks in ages. I've been hospitalized twice for depression already and seen over a dozen doctors. I've basically run out of things to try.

I'm currently listening to the audiobook of "You're Making Me Hate You" by Corey Taylor (lead singer of Slipknot, Stone Sour etc). That guy knows all about depression. The book is summarised as follows: "Whether it’s people’s rude behavior in restaurants and malls, the many indignities of air travel, eye-searingly terrible fashion choices, dangerously clueless drivers, and—most of all—the sorry state of much modern music, Taylor’s humor and insight cover civil society’s seeming decline—sparing no one along the way, least of all himself." It's very Henry Rollins, who is another "celebrity" all too familiar with depression and one of my heroes. You might find comfort in listening to/reading people like that.

[gypsylee]

Do you have any siblings, JGF? Christmas is hard for my family because it was the last time we all saw my brother (3 years ago). I just got an email from my dad and couldn't quite put my finger on why I got this creepy, empty feeling. Well I think it has to do with my brother being gone.. It's left my (already small) family kind of raw and fragile. I assume you have parents. Please think about the people you leave behind before doing anything suicidal.

:(

[JGF87]

That book sounds like a miserable time. Unlike most people, I find no pleasure in discussing or lampooning the bad things about society. Or keeping them to myself. I'm sad every day no matter what I do.

I have 2 great siblings, a great and supportive mom and dad, and a large, healthy, and caring extended family. I've been opening up my true despair and suicidal thoughts to several cousins over the past year, and nothing's changed other than making more people worried about my possible suicide. The thought of my death devastating them used to be a big inspiration to live years ago, but I've been worn down for years. I don't care if I make them miserable - the world's going to destroy them soon anyway. We just had an assassination and terror attack in the past few hours. Humanity is evil, doomed to destroy itself slowly and painfully. Nuclear war is truly on the horizon. Life is worthless pain.

[JGF87]

whats not on the news is all the good people doing good things... feeding the poor, helping babies, loving the hopeless and the addicts, there is good all around us.

Tell that to those killed by evil. Or those who suffer to their dying days because of injustice, racism, and overall oppression and corruption. Being good is worthless. Living is worthless. Dying is worthwhile.

[jenkyleg]

We just had an assassination and terror attack in the past few hours. Nuclear war is truly on the horizon.

While I also worry a great deal about nuclear war, today's events are not likely to trigger anything like that. I tried to link a Twitter thread here but my post count is too low to post links. I will PM it to you as I found it to be very informative and comforting.

World War 3 seems to be a meme these days. You see people chattering about it on Twitter, Reddit and elsewhere after almost every global event, no matter what. It drives me nuts with anxiety, but none of these events have led to the "big one" yet. Have faith.

[JGF87]

While I also worry a great deal about nuclear war, today's events are not likely to trigger anything like that. I tried to link a Twitter thread here but my post count is too low to post links. I will PM it to you as I found it to be very informative and comforting.

World War 3 seems to be a meme these days. You see people chattering about it on Twitter, Reddit and elsewhere after almost every global event, no matter what. It drives me nuts with anxiety, but none of these events have led to the "big one" yet. Have faith.

"Yet" is the key word. An apocalypse is on the horizon, so I'm going to get out early.

[jenkyleg]

"Yet" is the key word. An apocalypse is on the horizon, so I'm going to get out early.

Well, don't check out just yet, OK? The end is not here today.

[gypsylee]

I'm on the same page as you today JGF. People suck.

https://youtu.be/kl7W7Hz7F5E

Edit.. No intention of killing myself though. This negative energy just makes me stronger!

[JGF87]

It makes me more devoted to suicide.

Goodbye, everyone.

[Gemma89]

It makes me more devoted to suicide.

Goodbye, everyone.

Hi, I wish I knew something to say that would help you but I'm in a very bad way too and suicidal all the time. Maybe just try to hold on a little more and I will too? Wishing blessings to come your way xx

[gypsylee]

Homicide is a possibility with all the tourists here for Christmas :mad:

[JGF87]

This has turned out even worse than I expected. Now I know to leave forums like this behind.

Best wishes to you all, but I won't be coming back or responding to any messages.