Strange rumination

[Kudzu]

Awhile ago I was leaving a store with my arms full of heavy items. A woman and her small daughter passed me and I continued on without looking at them. I keep thinking what if something had slipped out of my arms, hit the child on the head, and injured her severely. This is a variation of a tic, for lack of a better word, that I have where I check behind me a lot. If I pass my a toddler for instance, I will look back to make sure I didn't inadvertently kick it or something and when I'm driving if I hear a thud I'll circle back to make sure I didn't run someone over. I think that last one might be somewhat common.

[jessed03]

Hi,

This sounds like a type of OCD. Don't worry about the severity of the term, OCD is just an anxiety disorder. Sounds like your obsession could be something to do with harming others. Your compulsion sounds like it's to check you didn't.

The 4-step plan Jeremy Schwartz outlines in his book Brain Lock has been helpful for me in the past. You just have to be mindful about your thoughts and habits to make sure nothing is slipping through the net and re-affirming your compulsive behaviour.

You can buy the book on Amazon, but there's a good outline for free on this site:

http://www.ocduk.org/four-steps

[Kudzu2]

Yes, I do worry that I've inadvertently harmed someone. Common sense says if I'd had I'd notice it but I somehow don't trust my own senses. I guess because my mind tends to wander.

[magicmarcus]

hi kudzu,

i used to have this really bad... where i worried that because of my action or inaction someone was going to get hurt.

it was a mad form of ocd where i would check and make sure everything was safe, recount things that happened thru out the day, and obsess over what i did, said, went, thought, ect.

super maddening - what i find help is to listen to the thoughts but pay no mind to them... just let them go like streams of water without picking them up and dwelling on them.

often times when the mind finds that those thoughts do not get all the attention... it stops sending them lol

hope that makes sense :-)

[mindful]

You need medications from psychiatrist. OCD comes from biochemical imbalance in brain

[Kudzu2]

I'm on medications but none for OCD as I've never been diagnosed. Still going to this place can trigger these feelings in me. Does anyone ever doubt their own senses? Also I've been having very disturbing dreams again. More than scary, like troubling on an existential level. Not sure how else to explain. Can anyone help? :(

[gypsylee]

My dreams have been getting to me as well. It's not so much the content but how I feel in them.. Anxious beyond belief; always trying to get somewhere or find something.. I wake up and feel like the most disturbed individual on the planet.

[Kirk]

I have very vivid dreams sometimes as I have been on Propranolol for 10 years and that is a side effect.
Without going into detail, I wish some of the dreams I have had came true.

[gypsylee]

Well I recently started taking these supplements and I'm wondering if something like Passionflower is making my dreams more vivid. I'd prefer not to have them, although some are very telling about the roots of my anxiety..

[DizzyPixie]

One can do CBT too, it's not only drugs that work... It depends.

[Kudzu2]

I think often of time slipping away from me, regret, missing opportunities. In this dream I was in my 60s but still looked like I do now, in my 30s. It was as if all that time had passed without me noticing and it was a terrible realization. I won't say my 20s were bad but it wasn't really until the second half of that decade that I began to feel secure career-wise, had a decent social life, and had the life experiences that most people have earlier. So I think a lot about that sort of thing. Time goes by scary fast. A few nights earlier I woke up in sheer terror because I realized I was going to die and there was absolutely no way I could escape it. Obviously I've always known that but for some reason I awoke in the middle of the night my mind racing with panic at that thought. I know human beings can't live forever and I sort of am okay with that but what scares me is getting to the end of my life and realizing I hadn't lived my dreams. I've always been so cautious. I don't take risks. I've overcome that to some extent but even now, I feel I'm likely to give up on things. I'm making less money this year than I did last and it's made me question going back to school. I'm sticking it out for now but it won't be easy. Can anyone relate to how I feel?

[Teafrenzy]

I think often of time slipping away from me, regret, missing opportunities. In this dream I was in my 60s but still looked like I do now, in my 30s. It was as if all that time had passed without me noticing and it was a terrible realization. I won't say my 20s were bad but it wasn't really until the second half of that decade that I began to feel secure career-wise, had a decent social life, and had the life experiences that most people have earlier. So I think a lot about that sort of thing. Time goes by scary fast. A few nights earlier I woke up in sheer terror because I realized I was going to die and there was absolutely no way I could escape it. Obviously I've always known that but for some reason I awoke in the middle of the night my mind racing with panic at that thought. I know human beings can't live forever and I sort of am okay with that but what scares me is getting to the end of my life and realizing I hadn't lived my dreams. I've always been so cautious. I don't take risks. I've overcome that to some extent but even now, I feel I'm likely to give up on things. I'm making less money this year than I did last and it's made me question going back to school. I'm sticking it out for now but it won't be easy. Can anyone relate to how I feel?

Totally. It wasn't until I came down with my panic disorder though that I started to question the meaning of life. I was content. I had a decent job, friends, really no anxiety. I was so optimistic. Really didn't occur to me that I was middle aged. I felt 25 years old. I have felt that way for 18 years.

[DizzyPixie]

I think often of time slipping away from me, regret, missing opportunities. In this dream I was in my 60s but still looked like I do now, in my 30s. It was as if all that time had passed without me noticing and it was a terrible realization. I won't say my 20s were bad but it wasn't really until the second half of that decade that I began to feel secure career-wise, had a decent social life, and had the life experiences that most people have earlier. So I think a lot about that sort of thing. Time goes by scary fast. A few nights earlier I woke up in sheer terror because I realized I was going to die and there was absolutely no way I could escape it. Obviously I've always known that but for some reason I awoke in the middle of the night my mind racing with panic at that thought. I know human beings can't live forever and I sort of am okay with that but what scares me is getting to the end of my life and realizing I hadn't lived my dreams. I've always been so cautious. I don't take risks. I've overcome that to some extent but even now, I feel I'm likely to give up on things. I'm making less money this year than I did last and it's made me question going back to school. I'm sticking it out for now but it won't be easy. Can anyone relate to how I feel?

Totally, totally, totally, and I'm in my early 20's. This panic attack at the thought of the inevitability of death, and the fear that maybe I won't manage to do all the things that I wanted to do... Then I try to think that I have time, and maybe when I'm old and dying I won't be afraid of death, maybe I'll believe in an afterlife or maybe I'll have found a cause worth dying for, or I'll feel I've accomplished my mission in this world. Or maybe I'll be a healthy 80-year-old, I'll expect to live another 30 years and I'll die peacefully in my sleep. That's why sometimes I'm afraid of getting a terminal illness, because then I won't have the time and I'll know it. When I turned twenty I thought "fuck, the 1/4th of my life is gone, and that IF I'm lucky". I'm not making it any better, am I. I mean, sometimes I think that I didn't have normal teenage years because of an accident and I'll never have this time back. But, you know, nobody's life is perfect and exactly how they want it to be. I think we'll all have things that we won't do, eventually, but that's not what matters, in the end the trip to the North Pole that you always wanted to do but didn't manage to, won't take away your life's worth or joy. Life isn't a check-list.

Wisdom's a gift, but you'd trade it for youth
Age is an honor, it's still not the truth
We saw the stars when they hid from the world
You cursed the sun when it stepped to your girl
Maybe she's gone and I can't resurrect her
The truth is she doesn't need me to protect her
We know the true death, the true way of all flesh
Everyone's dying, but girl you're not old yet

(that's from a song)