Need help - dating someone with high anxiety

[kraig76]

This is all pretty new to me, and I'm not really sure where else to go and I don't have anyone I can talk to.

I've been dating a girl for the last 3 months or so, and everything has been GREAT! There have been a few stressful situations due to the fact that I'm quite a bit older than she is, but as I've met her friends and family and they've gotten to know me, everyone has approved of our relationship. I am completely in love with this girl, and there's nothing in the world I wouldn't do for her.

Now, almost since the beginning, she has been at my house. She was living with her sister, and one of her sisters friends, and just wasn't really happy with her living situation, so I was very happy to have her. Again, everything was great and we were both very happy. No anxiety issues to speak of. There were some mild problems around school, but that was to be expected. Their lease on the house is ending in December, so I suggested just moving the rest of her things into my home and her becoming a permanent part of my life. She was happy with the idea and agreed.

Her sister started freaking out, and saying "well, what if it doesn't work out? where will you go?", and this is where the anxiety really started showing. She started becoming more and more distant, and most of our conversations are now about her anxiety. She tells me she loves me constantly, but it's hard to tell if she's IN LOVE with me anymore. I'm more worried about her being in love with the idea of me, than being actually in love with ME. I constantly let her know that I'm here for her and that I'm not going anywhere. A few times I've tried to talk to her to make sure this is what she really wants, but then she just gets upset because this raises her anxiety levels and make her start doubting herself.

I know how I feel about her, and she says everything is ok, and that the issues are all in her head. I've been listening and believing this for several weeks now, but it's pretty constant. I try really hard not to add to her stress, but now I feel like I may just not be the one she wants to be with, she's just telling herself different.

We talk via text pretty much all day, as I want her to know that I'm there and am thinking about her. We started talking last night and have decided this may be a bad idea, as there's not a lot of evening conversation topic when we talk all day, every day. Maybe some time to miss each other will be good.

Does anyone have any ideas or suggestions? I love this girl with all of my heart, but ultimately I just want her to be happy.

[aml0017]

Well first off, it kind of sounds to me like you are the one struggling with the anxiety lol. I understand you may have some questions about her feelings but her reaction doesn't sound unreasonable to me. She is young and you have only been together 3 months and moving in together right away, that is pretty fast. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but I don't think her apprehension is necessarily a bad thing. If she is having anxiety over her decision, then you are right, pressuring her is not going to help anything. Please try not to take her anxiety too personally, it can make it hard for someone to be fully present in the moment when their mind is preoccupied with worry. Sometimes anxiety is not rational, meaning it doesn't reflect real feelings so much as your brain is just geared to worry about everything.

For now, I would say let her vent her fears to you without judgment. Just listen and reassure her without necessarily trying to give her advice or fix her. Don't pressure her to keep reassuring you that she loves you and wants to be with you. You are not wrong in wanting to be reassured but you can't force someone to love you, nor should you want to. In the meanwhile, try to get out and do something fun together, even just to take a walk or have a nice meal out. I agree that the constant texting is probably overkill, it is easier to "connect" in a text than to do it face to face. Give her a little time to work through the fears and doubts. That is all you can do really.