advice/help? (family thanksgiving drama)

[domnominic]

So.. I'm gonna type out a really long wall of text to try and give the best information on the situation..

I have worked at my current job for a year now and have no friends from work(and honestly no friends outside of work either), that is, until recently when a few people have started becoming my friends.
A super friendly guy from work invited me to Thanksgiving at his house with his wife as a "informal friends thanksgiving". And from his description it sounds really fun and nice (and also terrifying because strangers, eating in front of other people, and people might try to talk to me...)
I never want to go to anything because I am to anxious, but I kinda wanna go.

My mom is giving my an ultimatum.
She is pissed that I wanna go to his place. I literally always do what she wants.
This year family thanksgiving is being held at my aunts house.. I stated that I wasn't going to go to her house months earlier (and that I would just say that I was sick or something) because of how she treats me.
She is a rude control freak to everyone...

But at this point I need to give you a little bit of a backstory:
When I was 17 I got a puppy; The litter's mom died when they were only two days old and the owner was trying to find people to take the pups. I ended up with a little one whose eyes were just opening who needed to be bottle fed(well, that was how all of them were, but he was the runt). He was TINY, about the size of a soda can. Fast forward a little bit, he is now 4-5 lbs, a cute little playful pupper. I went to lay down on the couch and brought him with me, and my aunt BARGED through the front door and scared me and got my puppy super excited. He was a tiny little 4-5 lbs who was super excited and wagging his tail with his butt in the air wanting to play. Literally the least intimidating thing in the world. And then she started screaming and yelling that she was gonna shoot and kill me and my dog. (because he is a pit)

I have stated that I don't want to go because I am angry and also feel uncomfortable being around her, but especially in her house.
My mom gets super angry with me and tells me "to just get over it" and similar responses.

I am 21 and live at home in my moms house. (I know, I know, don't get on me about it)
She is FURIOUS with me and told me that if I go to this persons thanksgiving I better move out. (which I am fine with and can do)
I am an adult and I can start living my own life and making my own friends and my own decisions..
Am I over reacting? 4.5 years and not a single flipping apology from her? Am I over reacting to my mother? is my mother over reacting?

(sorry, I am super tired, I apologize if this is scattered or doesn't make sense. I am more than willing to answer any questions to clarify)

Am I overreacting to things? I feel like if someone threatens to kill you and your dog because of it's breed that you are allowed to be like "hey, I don't want this kind of crazy in my life" am I right?
Again, sorry if this was confusing or wasn't clear.

[gypsylee]

Hey and welcome :)

Well, this is right up my alley because my mother is a control freak and even now that she's 75 and I'm 43 we STILL have big issues. But you have another one as well?? As in, your aunt?

If you are fine with moving out and can do it.. DO IT! I have a friend in Europe who I've been emailing for ten years now and we're really close.. She's almost 40 and is stuck at her mum's place and would do anything to get away (her mum is a bitch as well). If I could go back to your age knowing what I know now, I would get the hell away from my mother. I almost cut her off a few months ago in fact but we managed to sort it out and it's a bit different when your parents are in their 70s.

So no you aren't overreacting and are definitely allowed to be like "hey, I don't want this kind of crazy in my life". There are so many parents/relatives who seem to think that just because you're related they can treat you however they want. I'm actually dealing with this at the other end as well, in that my daughter (15) is living with her arse of a father. Long story why she's with him and not me but I will be doing everything I can to help her get her own life when she's a bit older.

All the best.. Let us know how you go :)
Gypsy x

[BlessedBackyard]

You have a right to not attend if it makes you uncomfortable or worsens your anxiety, so overreacting or not, I don't believe you should have to go. I agree with gypsy, that moving out sounds like a good option. And building a friendship with someone you feel comfortable with sounds like a great idea, so in your shoes, I'd probably try to go to your friend's Thanksgiving, too.

My initial reaction about your aunt was "Oh no, she didn't! I wouldn't want that kind of crazy either!" but I also realize I'm only getting one side of the story. Can I play devil's advocate for a moment with a few clarifying questions? 4.5 years is awhile to hold a grudge. Have you spoken to your aunt about the situation, so that she knows how you feel? Have you interacted with her at all since that time? Am I right to assume "rude control freak" is based off of much more than this one encounter? I guess my point is, we can't say whether you're overreacting or not since we don't know your aunt. But when it comes to toxic relationships, it helps to let them go, especially for us with anxiety.

I hope you are able to have a happy Thanksgiving!

[Anne1221]

I would forget about the aunt and the issue and put that behind you. She may have said that in a moment of anger. You have a bigger issue to resolve: do you go to the friend's house for Thanksgiving and defy your mom's orders or do you go along to be with the family. Forget what the aunt said because holding onto that grudge is only going to hurt you, not her. Be the bigger person and let it go. I'm sure she didn't mean it and said it at a bad moment. Now, if you had said your aunt had a long and sordid history of being cruel to you, that's another story.

Can you work it out so that you can be with your family some of the day and your friend the other part of the day? Maybe just stop by and visit with them and bring a dessert.

[Dahila]

you are an adult and you make your own decision, It is not easy to live with control freak (it took me years to get of that frigging defect ) I was controlling my children too, but i got it somehow, that is not good.
the story about pop brought me to tears, I love dogs, Do you still have it?
few years passed, maybe it is time to try to ask her, why she is mean to you. Sometimes simple question can solve the situation
I would take your friend invitation and enjoy your thanksgiving,......... there will be another one and another on .
Try to talk to your family be firm and voice your opinion. yOu have right to have one.
Good luck And welcome to forum :)

[domnominic]

If you are fine with moving out and can do it.. DO IT! I have a friend in Europe who I've been emailing for ten years now and we're really close.. She's almost 40 and is stuck at her mum's place and would do anything to get away (her mum is a bitch as well). If I could go back to your age knowing what I know now, I would get the hell away from my mother. I almost cut her off a few months ago in fact but we managed to sort it out and it's a bit different when your parents are in their 70s.

So no you aren't overreacting and are definitely allowed to be like "hey, I don't want this kind of crazy in my life". There are so many parents/relatives who seem to think that just because you're related they can treat you however they want.

Thank you for putting that into perspective for me and letting me know that someone else dealt with the same thing. And, I mean, it's not ALL terrible.. (Like when I don't live with her we get along pretty well.) But hearing from someone who's been there give me some hope :)

[domnominic]

You have a right to not attend if it makes you uncomfortable or worsens your anxiety, so overreacting or not, I don't believe you should have to go. I agree with gypsy, that moving out sounds like a good option. And building a friendship with someone you feel comfortable with sounds like a great idea, so in your shoes, I'd probably try to go to your friend's Thanksgiving, too.

My initial reaction about your aunt was "Oh no, she didn't! I wouldn't want that kind of crazy either!" but I also realize I'm only getting one side of the story. Can I play devil's advocate for a moment with a few clarifying questions? 4.5 years is awhile to hold a grudge. Have you spoken to your aunt about the situation, so that she knows how you feel? Have you interacted with her at all since that time? Am I right to assume "rude control freak" is based off of much more than this one encounter? I guess my point is, we can't say whether you're overreacting or not since we don't know your aunt. But when it comes to toxic relationships, it helps to let them go, especially for us with anxiety.

I hope you are able to have a happy Thanksgiving!

Honestly with her, me being uncomfortable (physically or mentally/anxiety-wise) has never been a concern for her. She doesn't experience it, so it must not happen or be real..

I really wanted to go to his thanksgiving, but I got too nervous to ask about it again, so... I'm not going to his either. :/ I'm really sad about it.

I agree, really any amount of time is a long time to hold a grudge. No, I have not talked to her; but she has sh!t talked about my dog (whom she has literally never met) and just in general when she knows I can hear her she's done the same about the breed in general.

My only interactions with her are at family get togethers where the host invited her too. So that pretty much just means Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the 4th of July. (My grandmas birthday is the 4th so we have a big bbq and a joint birthday party for my grandma and me because I was born a few days after the 4th). My grandparents have given her several talks though apparently, because every Xmas and Birthday BBQ she refuses to acknowledge that I am there and never brings a gift for me or even says "Happy birthday" to me when we ALL KNOW that it is a joint party as it has been for as long as I have been alive. Not that I have a problem with that at all, it actually makes me extremely uncomfortable. (to the point that as a child I would beg.. BEG my mother for my "present" to be to not have a birthday party because it made me so anxious to have to deal with that)

Yes, "rude control freak" is more than just this.
countless things throughout my life.. But memories that stick out:
- the dog thing
- When I was about 10-12 years old she kept harassing me that I should wear makeup to try to be pretty(like, I know that I'm not, but DAMN). long story short she forced me upstairs and put makeup on me despite me telling her that I really didn't want to and that my skin is VERY sensitive. it was a fight but she put the makeup on and said "there, you look better now" and left. I washed it off the best I could, but it was too late, my eyes were already swelling shut and my skin was red+hives. All my mom said was "well, then next time just tell her you don't want to do it.."

"when it comes to toxic relationships, it helps to let them go, especially for us with anxiety. "
^thank you. I don't know if this really counts as toxic, but I am more than ready to let it go!

[domnominic]

I would forget about the aunt and the issue and put that behind you. She may have said that in a moment of anger. You have a bigger issue to resolve: do you go to the friend's house for Thanksgiving and defy your mom's orders or do you go along to be with the family. Forget what the aunt said because holding onto that grudge is only going to hurt you, not her. Be the bigger person and let it go. I'm sure she didn't mean it and said it at a bad moment. Now, if you had said your aunt had a long and sordid history of being cruel to you, that's another story.

Can you work it out so that you can be with your family some of the day and your friend the other part of the day? Maybe just stop by and visit with them and bring a dessert.

"Now, if you had said your aunt had a long and sordid history of being cruel to you, that's another story. "
- she does kinda have a history of that, even to other people(including her own husband and son)... :(

[domnominic]

you are an adult and you make your own decision, It is not easy to live with control freak (it took me years to get of that frigging defect ) I was controlling my children too, but i got it somehow, that is not good.
the story about pop brought me to tears, I love dogs, Do you still have it?
few years passed, maybe it is time to try to ask her, why she is mean to you. Sometimes simple question can solve the situation
I would take your friend invitation and enjoy your thanksgiving,......... there will be another one and another on .
Try to talk to your family be firm and voice your opinion. yOu have right to have one.
Good luck And welcome to forum :)

At this point in time I don't think I could handle trying to ask and talk to her like that.

Yes, I still have my dog!!
Little pupper Dominic (I believe around 4 weeks) VS. Big Derp Ears Dom (4 years old)
18431844

[BlessedBackyard]

Aw, such a cute dog!
I'm home alone on Thanksgiving, though I was invited to 4 dinners by various family members. It's sad to want to go but feel like you can't because of anxiety. I know it's easier said than done, but put this one behind you and work on the anxiety so you can go to friends' celebrations in the future. With anxiety, it is what it is, and beating ourselves up about it is counter-productive. Do something special for yourself today. For me, that includes time in the kitchen because I love baking but rarely do it.
And from the sound of it, your aunt certainly qualifies as a "toxic" relationship.

[Dahila]

what a beautiful pitbull, I envy you ;))