AliasEQ
11-04-2016, 08:38 PM
Hello family.
I drop in here from time to time and try to help whenever I can. Sometimes I just sit in the shadows (yes, I’m secretly a ninja) and observe as the others on here help. I don’t know how many times I’ve said this, but it’s never enough: I’m truly and genuinely thankful that I found this forum when I was going through the yet hardest time in my life. We discuss problems, give advice and offer help even though we don’t know the person on the other end. I even think that we sometimes forget that. We sometimes forget that we've helped someone from going through a lot of unnecessary damage in their life. I’m thankful that I found you guys and I do appreciate all the help and advice that was given to me.
I've broken through barriers and obstacles I never thought I would 3 years ago. I was pessimistic, ignorant and confused of what I was going trough. Today, I can almost say that I've won the battle. Unfortunately, the only thing that is holding me back from saying that is this forum. I've come to realisation that I must leave the only string between me and that horrible period of my life. Not implementing that the forum is in any way negative - but it is a subjective reminder of that awful time. It's kind of like coming off medication. I'd like to be here and help but it can't be at the expense of me not being be able to go forward and move on in my life. So, this will be my absolute last thread that I post. In this post, I will also leave my "story" in hope that I can help anyone else going through what I went through, even though I'm not around. So here we go...
My name is Elias. I'm 21 years old. I currently live in Sweden. When I was a kid, I used to hate drugs. I used to always tell myself that I was never going to even try drinking or smoking. I was into football and I was really good at it. Unfortunately, I had economical and family issues and we had to move around the country almost on a monthly basis. I could never focus on what I loved to do. Life started to hit me with even more problems. I started having physical problems that just drained my motivation away from me and I eventually gave up on my big dreams. I was disappointed in myself. My image of how I wanted to live and how I didn't want to turn to drugs faded away with my dreams. I started drinking early and I started to experiment with other drugs. I guess that I've always been anxious, but I never really paid any attention to it.
Exactly three years ago I made a mistake that had some horrible consequences. I smoked laced marijuana that opened a portal to a sh*t ton of problems. I'll never forget that night. Even remembering it is scary. I was hanging out with my cousine and we were both smoking. To be honest, I don't know if the weed was laced or if I smoked too much, because he definitely didn't react the same as me. I was smoking and suddenly I felt like I got a hit. My vision instantly went black and my hearing went away for a couple of seconds. At least it felt like a couple of seconds. When I got my vision and hearing back, I was standing on the other side of the table. I went into a full blown panic attack.
My heart was racing, I started hallucinating, hearing sounds, seeing things that weren't there. The depersonalization/derealization was even more scary. I was mostly terrified because I didn't know what the f was going on. I thought that I'd die that night. Worst night of my life so far. The day after that, I was abit slow but normal. I went to work and I didn't have a single problem. I told myself I'd never smoke again.
One month later I did it again. Same thing happend, no hallucinations this time though. However, my anxiety was through the roof and the following day - I was still having panic attacks. I went out for a walk and I still didn't feel any better. I sat down in the middle of the street and started to cry like a baby. There I was, doing the sh*t I told myself not to do and now I have permanent damage... or so I thought. I called an ambulance and told them that I was having a heart attack. The person I was speaking with obviously knew I was having a panic attack. He was the first person to calm me down. The ambulance arrived, they checked if everything was fine physically and it was. They told me it's my body playing a prank on me and that I don't have anything to worry about.
Now, at this point, I was much calmer. I could finally think and look into my problems. I google my problems and even though googling your problems is a bad idea - this time, it was a really good idea because I found this forum. I started dealing with DR/DP, panic attacks and in general, my anxiety. I started slowly knowing more and more and that made me so much stronger.
I'm now completely free from panic attacks and derealization/depersonalization. Even if I somehow fall back into it, I have the tools to get out. I believe that everyone can beat their anxiety. Sometimes this sh*t feels like it's impossible to get rid off. But you will and trust that you will. I don't know you, but I know you're strong and that you can win this battle. Life, resistance, will hit you with everything it got. But stand the f*ck up or else it will keep you on your knees forever and you will regret your decisions. So, good luck to you, friend. Stand strong and give your middle finger to lifes resistance!
“Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever. That surrender, even the smallest act of giving up, stays with me. So when I feel like quitting, I ask myself, which would I rather live with?” - Lance Armstrong
I drop in here from time to time and try to help whenever I can. Sometimes I just sit in the shadows (yes, I’m secretly a ninja) and observe as the others on here help. I don’t know how many times I’ve said this, but it’s never enough: I’m truly and genuinely thankful that I found this forum when I was going through the yet hardest time in my life. We discuss problems, give advice and offer help even though we don’t know the person on the other end. I even think that we sometimes forget that. We sometimes forget that we've helped someone from going through a lot of unnecessary damage in their life. I’m thankful that I found you guys and I do appreciate all the help and advice that was given to me.
I've broken through barriers and obstacles I never thought I would 3 years ago. I was pessimistic, ignorant and confused of what I was going trough. Today, I can almost say that I've won the battle. Unfortunately, the only thing that is holding me back from saying that is this forum. I've come to realisation that I must leave the only string between me and that horrible period of my life. Not implementing that the forum is in any way negative - but it is a subjective reminder of that awful time. It's kind of like coming off medication. I'd like to be here and help but it can't be at the expense of me not being be able to go forward and move on in my life. So, this will be my absolute last thread that I post. In this post, I will also leave my "story" in hope that I can help anyone else going through what I went through, even though I'm not around. So here we go...
My name is Elias. I'm 21 years old. I currently live in Sweden. When I was a kid, I used to hate drugs. I used to always tell myself that I was never going to even try drinking or smoking. I was into football and I was really good at it. Unfortunately, I had economical and family issues and we had to move around the country almost on a monthly basis. I could never focus on what I loved to do. Life started to hit me with even more problems. I started having physical problems that just drained my motivation away from me and I eventually gave up on my big dreams. I was disappointed in myself. My image of how I wanted to live and how I didn't want to turn to drugs faded away with my dreams. I started drinking early and I started to experiment with other drugs. I guess that I've always been anxious, but I never really paid any attention to it.
Exactly three years ago I made a mistake that had some horrible consequences. I smoked laced marijuana that opened a portal to a sh*t ton of problems. I'll never forget that night. Even remembering it is scary. I was hanging out with my cousine and we were both smoking. To be honest, I don't know if the weed was laced or if I smoked too much, because he definitely didn't react the same as me. I was smoking and suddenly I felt like I got a hit. My vision instantly went black and my hearing went away for a couple of seconds. At least it felt like a couple of seconds. When I got my vision and hearing back, I was standing on the other side of the table. I went into a full blown panic attack.
My heart was racing, I started hallucinating, hearing sounds, seeing things that weren't there. The depersonalization/derealization was even more scary. I was mostly terrified because I didn't know what the f was going on. I thought that I'd die that night. Worst night of my life so far. The day after that, I was abit slow but normal. I went to work and I didn't have a single problem. I told myself I'd never smoke again.
One month later I did it again. Same thing happend, no hallucinations this time though. However, my anxiety was through the roof and the following day - I was still having panic attacks. I went out for a walk and I still didn't feel any better. I sat down in the middle of the street and started to cry like a baby. There I was, doing the sh*t I told myself not to do and now I have permanent damage... or so I thought. I called an ambulance and told them that I was having a heart attack. The person I was speaking with obviously knew I was having a panic attack. He was the first person to calm me down. The ambulance arrived, they checked if everything was fine physically and it was. They told me it's my body playing a prank on me and that I don't have anything to worry about.
Now, at this point, I was much calmer. I could finally think and look into my problems. I google my problems and even though googling your problems is a bad idea - this time, it was a really good idea because I found this forum. I started dealing with DR/DP, panic attacks and in general, my anxiety. I started slowly knowing more and more and that made me so much stronger.
I'm now completely free from panic attacks and derealization/depersonalization. Even if I somehow fall back into it, I have the tools to get out. I believe that everyone can beat their anxiety. Sometimes this sh*t feels like it's impossible to get rid off. But you will and trust that you will. I don't know you, but I know you're strong and that you can win this battle. Life, resistance, will hit you with everything it got. But stand the f*ck up or else it will keep you on your knees forever and you will regret your decisions. So, good luck to you, friend. Stand strong and give your middle finger to lifes resistance!
“Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever. That surrender, even the smallest act of giving up, stays with me. So when I feel like quitting, I ask myself, which would I rather live with?” - Lance Armstrong