Wife of Man with Panic Attacks: Please help me understand

[BeBrave]

Hi All,

I'm new to this forum and need significant help.

My husband has been suffering from panic attacks for about 15 years now. I've been in his life for about 2-3 of them. He now has them several times a month (or sometimes per day). Also complicating matters, he has OCD tendencies.

We have been having some major issues lately in our relationship. We have a lot of challenging factors at play, along with the fact that there are times that I suffer from anxiety as well.

Most importantly, my husband says I give him panic attacks... I'm not sure what to think of this. Honestly, I feel like all I try to do at times is resolve normal married relationship issues and somehow it escalates into this major fight...and boy, does he say some truly horrible things to me without any remorse or apology.

What is happening here? What can I do? Is it really me contributing to his anxiety, or is it his anxiety (and OCD) prompting an abnormal reaction?

He's seeing a therapist now, so that's good. But his family has often talked to me about their concerns...his obsession with buying expensive items, lack of healthy priorities, and inability to manage normal life challenges, etc.

Please help.

[FruitSalad]

Hi Bebrave,

This is definitely a good place to get an understanding from. Some of the stories here are incredible. They are all so strong. I also had OCD, it is almost gone now. On the subject of others causing anxiety, for me that has happened as well. It's not because i don't love that person, it's not like that. Sometimes it's your love or frustration with not being able to feel the love you have for a person. You caught me at a good time in my life. I have significantly conquered these issues so far by a very clean an vibrant diet. (google: Robert Morse). The next step, that I have just started is focus on others, helping others and in the end loving everyone. Now that my body is clean (2 years of detox) I am easily able to accept these new challenges, but it would have been very difficult without that for me. I was toxic, and if your body is toxic, your thoughts and emotions are too.

Please don't take it too personally -- I know that's hard. I know it's strange, but these are just emotions we are dealing with, they can lash out at the closest object. It's really just a release of energy and should be seen as such. He is in great pain.

I hope that helps, PM me if you need.

[fixmybrokenmind]

My girlfriend (of 6 years) is supportive of my anxiety and it means the world to me and I love her even more because of it. That being said I never let my anxiety harm her if I can help it, and I also view everyday as an opportunity for growth I don't turn to a negative lifestyle to cope.

Maybe you should see a therapist yourself, they can be very helpful for the second person in the relationship as well. Lots of insight to be gained through therapy

[Teafrenzy]

well the first thing to know is that it's not your fault.

I am also a panic attack sufferer and I also suffer from general anxiety. I snap at people as well as loved ones, but in my case, I always come back an hour later with a sincere apology and tell them it's my anxiety.

I would straight out ask him what time of day his anxiety is at it's lowest, then having received your answer, wait until that time and ask him " did you really mean to snap at me or was it anxiety?" Just like that. Don't accuse him, don't tell him he's a big jerk. Ask him like you went up to a stranger and asked what time is it.

My guess is that he will apologize profusely, maybe even cry and tell you it was just anxiety.

From there you can think of some coping strategies, like maybe ask him to put on his favorite sports team's baseball cap every time he has had a recent attack, so you know when to stay away from him.

From there, he just needs more therapy, perhaps more medication and more time.

If he doesn't improve within a few months, you will need to decide for yourself how to proceed with the relationship. What he's doing is not really "his fault" either but you need to be happy too.

[BeBrave]

Hi Bebrave,

This is definitely a good place to get an understanding from. Some of the stories here are incredible. They are all so strong. I also had OCD, it is almost gone now. On the subject of others causing anxiety, for me that has happened as well. It's not because i don't love that person, it's not like that. Sometimes it's your love or frustration with not being able to feel the love you have for a person. You caught me at a good time in my life. I have significantly conquered these issues so far by a very clean an vibrant diet. (google: Robert Morse). The next step, that I have just started is focus on others, helping others and in the end loving everyone. Now that my body is clean (2 years of detox) I am easily able to accept these new challenges, but it would have been very difficult without that for me. I was toxic, and if your body is toxic, your thoughts and emotions are too.

Please don't take it too personally -- I know that's hard. I know it's strange, but these are just emotions we are dealing with, they can lash out at the closest object. It's really just a release of energy and should be seen as such. He is in great pain.

I hope that helps, PM me if you need.

Thanks for the response...it's so complicated. His therapist told me not to take his hurtful comments seriously because it's the anxiety talking...but then he'll say that he actually feels those things. (Thanks for that, hubs, geez.) she also said that I'm not the reason for his anxiety, his anxiety is the reason for his anxiety. But being the stubborn guy he is, he doesn't really buy that and continues to point out my failings and how we're just not a good mix (Thanks again, hubs.)

He's got a bit of a Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde situation happening too. To others, he presents as calm, laid back, and balanced. Never has a bad thing to say about me. But in private, he escalates into this person who blames everyone and everything but himself and launches into these verbal attacks that are killing me inside.

I mean, I have my own stuff to deal with...a narcissist ex husband and trying to manage custody of our son. I see a therapist and am on low dose anxiety/depression meds to help manage my moods. My now husband says that my mood really affects his, and he just wants a happy wife so he can be happy. I mean, is it really that simple? Or is he in denial that his anxiety and OCD affects everything in his life? Or, is he just selfish and doesn't want to help me with my own issues?

We have a lot going on, no doubt about it. I just feel like there's a graceful way to try to handle it or not...and we have to be patient with each other's issues, not condemn them since its out of our control. Regardless of how my last marriage ended, I'm committed here and choose unconditional love. It hurts to continually hear from my husband how much he wants to walk away...

[BeBrave]

well the first thing to know is that it's not your fault.

I am also a panic attack sufferer and I also suffer from general anxiety. I snap at people as well as loved ones, but in my case, I always come back an hour later with a sincere apology and tell them it's my anxiety.

I would straight out ask him what time of day his anxiety is at it's lowest, then having received your answer, wait until that time and ask him " did you really mean to snap at me or was it anxiety?" Just like that. Don't accuse him, don't tell him he's a big jerk. Ask him like you went up to a stranger and asked what time is it.

My guess is that he will apologize profusely, maybe even cry and tell you it was just anxiety.

From there you can think of some coping strategies, like maybe ask him to put on his favorite sports team's baseball cap every time he has had a recent attack, so you know when to stay away from him.

From there, he just needs more therapy, perhaps more medication and more time.

If he doesn't improve within a few months, you will need to decide for yourself how to proceed with the relationship. What he's doing is not really "his fault" either but you need to be happy too.

I know...it's really hard because I know the man he is and this is all happening on such an extreme level. We have a lot going on, and I don't think he has the tools in order to effectively deal. It's like, in the game of life, he only has a limited amount of tools in his toolbox because his anxiety and OCD are both holding them hostage. I'm really praying that this therapy helps and we figure out a possible routine that might bring him back to himself.

Like I responded before to FruitSalad, he's a bit of a Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. He never really blames me for his anxiety to others in public (maybe because he knows it's wrong?), but then blames me all over the place in private, which leads to talk about him walking away from the marriage. I feel like I'm going absolutely crazy! I want to know exactly what I'm doing wrong and what it is I'm doing to provoke his anxiety. Speak at all about my feelings? Speak with some intensity? What do I do wrong so I can fix it?

Anyway, I'm at a loss but trying to be patient. I love my husband and I vowed to him through good times and bad. I keep asking myself, what would happen if I got sick and in turn was incredibly difficult? Wouldn't I need and want for him to stick around to help me, regardless of what I said and how I acted out? So I'm trying to do the right thing in the long run...

[Aka_Hobbes]

I snap at people every once in a while, most of the time its at my fiance, and it has nothing to do with her for the most part, its simply just because shes the only one around. So dont take it too personal. So it might just be because youre the only one there for him to take it out on, shitty, I know. If thats the case, and if you want to stay with him, youll just have to learn how to deal with it mentally, understand its not you, and maybe just stay away from him at times. Which leads me to my next point, he could be snapping at you because youre being too aggressive with trying to help him. I used to have acne when I was younger, and I told a couple people how depressed I was about it, so they would always ask how I was feeling. And thats awesome, its great to have people that care about you, but on days where I was in a great mood and they would ask, it would only remind me of how sad I was about it, and in turn it would make me angry at them for reminding me. Also some days I just didnt want to talk about it, so when someone asked how I was doing and I told them I didnt want to talk about it, and they kept asking, id eventually snap at them. Now I dont know your situation, but it could be entirely possible that youre being too aggressive. In my case this one person specifically would ask how I was every time I saw them, and it made me feel even worse, as if I was worse than I really was. I would think to myself I dont need someone asking how I am all the time, let me come to you, dont question me like I need constant support. It would make me feel pathetic. So think about that. Theres one more thing I wanted to mention, and this is a last resort. I dont want to be the one to tell you this, but you came here for help, so im not going to ignore the elephant in the thread. You said he doesnt show remorse for the things he says, well I was in a relationship like that. My partner would do and say things to me that no one should ever have to go through. She would always blame it on me, or say it was her anxiety, and use it as an exscuse. When it reality she was just a bad person. Now he might just be too prideful to admit he was wrong, and his anxiety could really be the cause of him being so hurtful, and if you think thats the case than ignore me. But maybe hes just a mean person. I know you dont want to believe that, and I really hope thats not the case, but have you actually thought about it? I mean when I snap at people I instantly feel horrible for it, and im extrmely upset about it until I make it right with that person, especially my fiance. If you say you love someone, and want to spend your life with them, than you should show remorse when you say things you shouldnt. I dont want anyone to have to walk away from someone they love, but if that person is hurting them and blaming it on them, maybe theyre better off without them. Please dont be upset at me for saying that, I just wanted to put it out there because anxiety can cause you to snap at people, thats normal, not saying sorry is also normal, peoples pride can stop them from apologizing because they dont want to admit they were wrong, or admit they have a problem, but blaming it on you? That makes me a little concerned. Like I said, you know youre situation better than I do, and that last bit of advice is meant as an extreme last resort, but id like for you to think about it, and really try and decided whether or not its really anxiety. Anyways I hope everything works out, sorry this was so long lol.

[FruitSalad]

When he get's nasty with his words, he is generally talking about himself, not you. Yes, you feel anxiety, it may be directed at your but not because of you.

[BeBrave]

I snap at people every once in a while, most of the time its at my fiance, and it has nothing to do with her for the most part, its simply just because shes the only one around. So dont take it too personal. So it might just be because youre the only one there for him to take it out on, shitty, I know. If thats the case, and if you want to stay with him, youll just have to learn how to deal with it mentally, understand its not you, and maybe just stay away from him at times. Which leads me to my next point, he could be snapping at you because youre being too aggressive with trying to help him. I used to have acne when I was younger, and I told a couple people how depressed I was about it, so they would always ask how I was feeling. And thats awesome, its great to have people that care about you, but on days where I was in a great mood and they would ask, it would only remind me of how sad I was about it, and in turn it would make me angry at them for reminding me. Also some days I just didnt want to talk about it, so when someone asked how I was doing and I told them I didnt want to talk about it, and they kept asking, id eventually snap at them. Now I dont know your situation, but it could be entirely possible that youre being too aggressive. In my case this one person specifically would ask how I was every time I saw them, and it made me feel even worse, as if I was worse than I really was. I would think to myself I dont need someone asking how I am all the time, let me come to you, dont question me like I need constant support. It would make me feel pathetic. So think about that. Theres one more thing I wanted to mention, and this is a last resort. I dont want to be the one to tell you this, but you came here for help, so im not going to ignore the elephant in the thread. You said he doesnt show remorse for the things he says, well I was in a relationship like that. My partner would do and say things to me that no one should ever have to go through. She would always blame it on me, or say it was her anxiety, and use it as an exscuse. When it reality she was just a bad person. Now he might just be too prideful to admit he was wrong, and his anxiety could really be the cause of him being so hurtful, and if you think thats the case than ignore me. But maybe hes just a mean person. I know you dont want to believe that, and I really hope thats not the case, but have you actually thought about it? I mean when I snap at people I instantly feel horrible for it, and im extrmely upset about it until I make it right with that person, especially my fiance. If you say you love someone, and want to spend your life with them, than you should show remorse when you say things you shouldnt. I dont want anyone to have to walk away from someone they love, but if that person is hurting them and blaming it on them, maybe theyre better off without them. Please dont be upset at me for saying that, I just wanted to put it out there because anxiety can cause you to snap at people, thats normal, not saying sorry is also normal, peoples pride can stop them from apologizing because they dont want to admit they were wrong, or admit they have a problem, but blaming it on you? That makes me a little concerned. Like I said, you know youre situation better than I do, and that last bit of advice is meant as an extreme last resort, but id like for you to think about it, and really try and decided whether or not its really anxiety. Anyways I hope everything works out, sorry this was so long lol.

I totally understand you, and thanks for taking the time to write a thoughtful response... I've thought about everything you wrote a great deal, even before you mentioned it.

We have figured out a lot of things since I last wrote on here. Part of my husband's anxiety actually has to do with his extreme insecurity about where he is in his life, and he was blaming me for it - simply because, psychologically for him, that made sense. He's not where he wants to be, and who's to blame? His wife, who has been holding him back (not true, but somehow rational in his mind). We have since talked about things, and are working on strengthening our relationship. He has recently apologized profusely - also because certain behavior came to light that he has a lot of remorse about, thankfully. We believe some of his anxiety was guilt over this behavior, too. So even though he still is prone to panic attacks and is fearful of certain situations that might provoke them, some of his anxiety has been alleviated with therapy from both a trained professional and actually, our brilliant pastor who understands human psychology better than most therapists, I think. It had nothing to do with me, and now he fully understands this, which has helped our communication tremendously. And yes, he now admits to being an ass for a stretch of time...

I've realized throughout all of this that I unconditionally love him and can't even imagine walking away from him at this point. I can't say I'm not hurt by his words and actions, though. That needs time in my heart to heal. But weirdly enough, this situation with anxiety, etc. has elevated my feelings for and connection to him in a profound way. It's like, when faced with great difficulty, I was able to get over a mental hurdle in my mind to get to the next emotional level in our relationship. Kind of a miracle.

[MrsAbbo]

Hi,

I'm going through similar with my husband, although I'm the one who has the panic attacks and anxiety. He has anxiety and depression, we just seem to be arguing so much more recently. I'm always to blame though, nothing is ever his fault. It's always me being a bitch or talking to him like shit. Yet like you have said, he can say the most nasty, hurtful and horrible things to me with no apology or remorse for hurting me. I've lost count of how many times he has told me to fuck off.

I tried to message you privately but I'm too new 

Hope you are well.

Mrs.A xx