Been doing ok for a while, until today

[willheal]

For the past 7-ish months or so I've been handling myself pretty well. Once things calmed down with my anxiety I was flourishing. I felt like I got control over my life again in a big way. The break from it was wonderful, and I felt like I had purpose again.

Today I had some issues, though. In the morning I realized I misplaced my keys. I tried retracing my steps and I realized that I suddenly couldn't remember anything from the past 2 days. And then it extended to the week, and then the year. It actually felt really uncomfortable to try and intentionally remember stuff. It made me feel like there was a pressure in my head & I started descending into a fog. I texted someone I trust about it, saying I was worried because I was unable to recall some memories and I felt funny.

I sat in a fog going back and forth between panic and self-assurance most of the day. I still haven't found my keys. I'm still not sure what I did today or yesterday or the day before.

My perception went haywire, too. I can only imagine this is dissociation. It's my best guess. I'm stuck in a fog and I only feel like a third of my brain is working right. I just feel ...weird. Like I'm not fully conscious. Like I'm typing this autonomously but my brain is really asleep. I was worried something might've happened to my brain, but my motor skills are perfectly fine. I doubt that's the case.

I've never had a dissociative episode this strong or one that lasted this long. It's frustrating and scary and I want to be normal again. I don't even feel like I'm fully alive like this. I tried to have a basic conversation earlier and I was just completely blank. Couldn't follow what the other person was saying.

I'm starting to fall asleep now but I'm worried that in the morning it'll be worse. I hope it's just good ol anxiety & dissociation. 'night all. I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow.

[gypsylee]

Hey there,

If it makes you feel better - you sound quite coherent.

I find I get these kind of weird episodes when I've been alone for too long.. I get really "ungrounded" and my mind starts to play tricks on me. Have you been on your own much lately?

Hope you feel better when you wake up :)
Gypsy x

[fixmybrokenmind]

Glad to hear you have been doing well.

Try and get as much rest as possible over the weekend. If it doesn't improve maybe see a doctor and explain your past

[willheal]

Thank you both kindly. I feel a tiny bit better this morning. My mood is much better and I'm functioning just fine, but my mind is still fragmented. My memory & my introspective thoughts are seemingly all gone. Everything's functioning, but I still feel robbed of my existence. I'm going about my day like a robot.

One of the things I noticed in my little reprieve from anxiety is I still had the tension and stress, but I felt a sense of control. Even when I felt panicked, I still knew it was something I could manage & would pass.

I have been going through a lot lately. I'm moving, I'm writing a book, I work freelance and I can easily put in 60 hours a week. My family's been out so I've been house sitting (Gypsy you hit the nail on the head. I haven't had much human contact in a week). Honestly it's no wonder. I felt like I could manage it, but I'll try and rest and get better rather than trying to control everything

thank you again

[fixmybrokenmind]

I always take on too much and when I crash it is always brutal. Learning limits is huge.

We will be here if you need us!

[gypsylee]

I always take on too much and when I crash it is always brutal. Learning limits is huge.

We will be here if you need us!

I underestimate how much I need other people and tend to isolate myself, which is really bad for my anxiety/depression. At the same time I can't be around other people too much because I'm introverted and they drain me. So I'm forever trying to find a balance between the two.

I recently befriended my neighbour though and he's quite interesting/intelligent (which seems hard to find and is one of the reasons I isolate myself). It's a good situation because I know there's someone there but we aren't in each other's faces all the time. But yes, one of my biggest problems is admitting to myself that I need other people.